Colors
Dripping down, down
Mixing with the greys and greens
In your eyes.
I can see the universe…
Uni, one.
What I mean is that
You and I
Together, one,
Would make the colors in my world brighter.

We are all broken inside
A sliver of humanity
                                                                                  Shattered
Hiding the truth from us
And pelting words
                                                         --Curses--
Bidding us to use them
In all our haste.
                            We condemn ourselves to our own fates.

Tender feelings
For the one I love most.
Waiting here,
Wondering when you will take the journey back,
Smiling because soon you will be in my arms.

Our future together.
This still is a dream,
That someone can love and care
About Me
Feels unreal.

I can feel it in the way you look at me,
The way you talk to me.
Respectful. Genuine. Honesty.
I love the way you snuggle me.

Can you hold me now?

His rejection still sits there
Crouched
In the back of my mind.
Even though it's been so long,
So long that I thought I moved on,
I still can't let anyone get that close to me.
I can't be open…
It hurts too much.
Too much to wish and hope
That someone may actually care about me
After I let them in.
And letting them in--
I know they will leave
Once they see the broken and
Ugly inside of me.
It isn't a good thing for me to fall in love
Cause I've never been loved back.

Just give him a chance
Start slow
*To let him see the real person and beauty beneith

I can't grasp it,
Nor hold on to meaning.
It feels like random words,
Scattered letters,
Holding no substance
When spoken to me.

I've been waiting for you to rescue me,
My tears keep coming,
No one there to catch them.
I thought you were here,
But you must have left an hour ago.
A day ago?
A week ago?
My knees are weak,
My sweating hands pulling
******* my ballgown,
I step hastily away
As my heartbreak claims
Another year away.

Underneath the maple tree
I drew my last breath.
No longer a child,
My courage has fleeted,
Bravery abandoned.
I can no longer hide
As the flaming leaves
Cover placid skin.
Colder I grow
As I fall away to dust.

                                                          ­                     *There are worse ways to die
                                                             ­                        Than being devoured by
                                                              ­                                     The maple tree.

Breathe.
Live.
No matter how much it hurts,
No matter the pain they give you,
No matter the disease that
Gnaws at your heart.
God knows,
Knows that you are of worth,
That every mistake
Is only a mistake that makes you better,
Makes you worth all that pain.
Ignore those that hurt.
Forgive them.
They know not what they do.
They might hurt like you do,
The only difference is that
They can't contain that disgrace they feel.
You can.
You have.
Give away your pain.
Find an outlet.
Find a wish.
Give your pain away to your maker,
He will take it.
You need to live.
Live.
Breathe.

You are of worth.

Wanting your arms around me,
Just to hold me.
I shiver beneath
All the chilling words,
Telling myself that
You lie,
But I will never leave you.
Even if I turn to ice,
Or even if I melt.

Incredible,
Every moment I spend with you,
I feel that I am of worth.
Reminding me of the person I want to be
And the values that I hold to.
I have never met another like you,
You are precious and
Remind others of their goodness.

Thank you my wonderful friend.

Ostracized by
Everyone.
Except when shown
Issues, problems, things they can
"Fix."
They never see me anyway.
Be happy
They say,
You are okay
Those lies spoken too often.
Then I,
Left in the corner
When finally finding purpose.

Misery likes company.

People mock happiness.

My favorite dreams are those that are
Possible,
Yet so unlikely to ever happen.

Dreams can be a random mix of brain
Processing,
But sometimes truth is evident in dreams,
Only detected by God and the dreamer.

Holding hands for comfort,
Even in dreams,
Hands give strength and support,
As well as conformation of love.
I hope my "happily ever after"
Involves me holding hands for ever and ever,
With prince charming,
The man of my dreams.

I know he is out there:
I dreamt of him.

Even you don't know my fears,
Sometimes I don't.
I try to hide them from myself,
But they just eat
Eat
EAT
On my insides,
Begging my attention,
Boiling in my acidic blood,
Screaming in my ears,
My mind,
I'm growing numb to my surroundings,
Dissolving into my own background,
Yet it still
Eats,
Burning holes in my heart,
The soles of my shoes
Wearing thin as I try to run from it
Only to return
Again.

Frozen tundra,
Snowflake plains,
Like frozen fingers
Reaching out--
Choking the warmth
From the air.

The water breathed ice
In the stagnant air,
The puffs clawing
At unyielding flesh.
It turns red and raw,
Thawing into the impenetrable winter.

I'll slip away...

I'm hard to hold on to,
Too variable,
Too changeable.

Too likely to change into something so sweet,
That the bitter of me leaving
Will hurt more than help.

You can't fall in love with me,
I'm too much to lose.

...You are too much for me to lose.

I hide it in my smile,
By the way I talk.
My words can hide the pain.
Not my eyes...
Never my eyes,
They have seen too much,
The anger,
Hate,
What destroys me.

Don't worry about me.
You may understand,
But never say you know me--
You don't,
No one can.

An opaque, calming breeze
Sweeps over the harsh days--
Covering the rainbow with a
Deep wash of indigo.
There is nothing more to do,
Fate, as written, is
Accepted.
Let the hollow envelop you,
Concealed from what the pain was.

Today I feel like blue.

It's cold inside.
Shifting my gaze and again the question--
"How are you?"
Smile--
A lie--
Though I've never felt so empty.
You didn't bother to stop and hear.
Tired.
Retorting, you say to sleep.
Truth: insomnia, stress, anxiety.
It's all the same.
What was I ever to start out as?
Now a forgotten tear in a notebook.
All I wanted was to have a friend--
You?
Ignored in passing conversation,
Unheard,
Unseen,
Struggling under a load twice my weight...
Yet I smile.
You thought me as the happiest person--
I was never happy-go-lucky.
I was just a girl
In a struggle,
With too much pride and many lies
To feed the rest of humanity.
How am I?
It's cold inside.

The flower cared.
Too much, some would say,
Too naive, too loving and innocent.
Easily taken advantage of.
They were right.
Yet the flower didn't believe them.
She wanted to care too much.

The flower knew the snail,
A brown snail with its home on its back and a hard shell.
A shell that spiraled up to a point.
The slow sad snail that sallied its way across the garden every day.
The snail said it would be salted one day,
Or slowly baked in the sun,
Someday soon,
If it couldn’t have a bite of the flower’s pedals.

The timid, naive, caring flower
Believed that brown snail
And stood still as the snail slunk it’s way up the stem
To the precious pedals.
At first the snail was kind,
But when the days wore on and the flower grew weaker,
He hemmed and hawed and hurt the flower with his words
Complaining at the scars and hurt.
The ones that were only there because of him.
He became obsessed, demanding more,
Demanding everything.
She gave him as much as he wanted,
Begging and pleading for him to stop,
And trying not to give any more.
The flower grew weak and nearly died.
If flowers had knees she’d be weeping and trembling on them.

A gentle hand reached down and gingerly touched the crumbling flower.
The hand was worn and weathered, streaked with dirt,
A gardener's hand.
The gardener got his shovel and
Put the flower in a ***.
He watched after the flower daily,
Watering, nourishing, healing.
He did not blame the flower for attracting the snail,
His only thought was to heal and help.
He saw the potential in the flower and knew how to renew it.

She began to heal.

The emptiness is growing...
...but I don't want to admit it.
I'm not fine.
I want to tell you,
Need to talk to you,
But I have no words.
When they come,
                                                           ­                                             I am long gone.

Magnificent
Is the feeling you give me.
I watch your eyes,
Your caring careful honest eyes,
Watch in fascination the awe, respect, and love evident in a single glance.
I’m as fragile as a bird in your hands,
Holding me close but not carelessly.
Tenderly.
Patiently, seeing me cry and
Being there to lift me up.
You are a refuge to me,
Home.
Smiling softly as I fall further in love with you.
Losing my breath every time I glance at you.
You are so beautiful,
Is this a dream?
I dance,
With you in my arms,
Without any music, because today and forever
I need only your song.

Perfect is not obtainable here.
We need mistakes so our
Miss tries,
Miss understandings,
Miss leads
Can then fix and stop behind
Miss takes.

Superficial smiles and
Clever complements
Plague the imperfect people
Wandering the wide world:
This eccentric earth filled with
Rock and Roll.
Too many people roll away
From any truth left,
Gauging themselves,
Their gluttony filled with
Their fake friends that are
Too much.
Too much like those that roll.
If the world was in a race for
The devil's lair of despair,
They would win--
They are well rounded in that area.

If I was more like myself,
Would people still be my friend?

Whine all you want,
The world will not change if
We can't take the change from our pockets
And cause it to go for a
Better cause than our own
Messed up feelings.
Cause you to change first,
So you can help the big problem
In the world.

He cradled her hand--
A heavy gray stone.
Her life was slipping,
Her past flowing like a river from her eyes.
His future ran out of his eyes,
In raindrops from a cloud,
A torturing storm where
Damage is unprecedented.

And yet--
His love was torched by every
Drop of that storm.
Her memories that were once happy
Now tinted by the last memory
She would have--
There was an anger she had never seen.

And as the beeps got slower,
Drawing out longer as she took her last breath,
Those few words
Said
Were not "I love you" but
"May God save you."

Again I was turned away.
Lines burned to ash,
The fire threatens quick and bright.

Again I was pushed away.
Their desire to hear was never there,
I dared for something more.

Again I was put away.
Clever criticisms fill my silence,
Cold hearts torment the one still beating.

Though I am surrounded by a million people,
I am alone.
Wishing for something more,
There is nothing left.
I might need to wish myself away.

"Please."

She choked the word out,
Stammering,
Tears dripping down her face,
Streaking her makeup down her face.
Pleading,
Crying.

But.
Her cries landed on deaf ears,
The words sliding off of his turned head.
Just like Lucifer,
The name he had before was misleading.

Prince,
He once was.
Now he is a servant--
A servant to the lowest serpent.

Crackles in the sky,
Ricocheting,
Electrifying.
Allegretto in its
Timing.
Indigo bled out,
New colors flash
Glowering.

A shriek in the house.

Stillness assumes
Till another spark
Opens the fear,
Rearing this chilling, rumbling
Music.

Above the keyboard are hands,
Working hands, trying to create something beautiful.
They can feel out the words,
But they cannot hear or see.

Above those hands are arms,
That can hold,
But they cannot see either.

Looking at you,
You are not just something beautiful.
You are beautiful, inside, outside,
Even if you can't see,
Even if you can't hear,
Or touch
Or smell
Or taste,
Your heart can.

And create something beautiful.

He sat there smoking,
His horns an illusion
(For he has no real power).
Black soul,
If he has one.
Making deals only to destroy.
Yet people walk to him,
Smoke with him,
Follow him.

And as they die,
He laughs.

Just drop me--
The thing he promised not to do all along?
Not meaning to lead me on:
Cuddling,
Kisses,
Telling me I was
Beautiful--
Me for once trusting someone,
Believing
Him.

And for what?
Being dropped again,
Just as I learned to love the feeling of falling. Thinking
He
Would catch me.

I knew it was a bad thing for me to fall in love,
Why did I doubt this
Intuition? For I am always right.
I cannot be loved back.
Why did I let him fool me?...
I am a fool.

Alone.

Empty.


sad

Would you have me
Quit and break
All the promises that
I made myself?
The promises that make me feel
Proud (for once)
Of myself?

I can tell by your shoves, that either
You want me to,
Or maybe you don't realize
What damage it will do.

Is it really love?
Is it really love if you don't realize
What damage could be done?

But you would... and you have...
Only because
You would have me...

Spinning.
Faster,
Faster,
FASTER!
Fingers interlocked,
Arms touching,
Will you let go or I?

I smile at your smile.
Our feet step in time,
Oh so perfect time.
I don't let go,
Will you?

You wonder.
I wonder what you wonder.
If you asked me a question,
I will always say yes.
You don't let go.
I won't.

Spinning again,
Faster than before,
Gravity may tear us apart.
Will I let go or you?

Avoid answering
By asking unrelated questions.

It works every time,
Even when it wasn't wanted.

A speckled light,
Unknown,
But more known than the secrets buried deep.
Most people look only on the outside:
A dim glow,
Scars, gashed across while
Other's footprints on the surface.
What is really of worth,
Trapped in the night sky?

The more I look up at you,
The more I realize,
It is forgotten,
The beauty fading,
The memories erased.
How I long to leave this place,
But only to join others that
Are like the two of us.

Tell me something
Guardian of the sky,
Do you dream like I do?

Summer is fading,
Winter coming fast,
And like a bird I long to fly.
I want to find you--
The one who broke down the wall
And fixed the heart,
The one who let the words come out.
I could never do it by myself...

...But now I feel alone.

Careless people
In pinstriped suits and
Cocktail dresses.
Around is passed the
Inward ******
Wishing to arise.

Girls--
Golden Girls,
Fancy shoes on,
The heartbroken dance to
Speedy music,
Growing faster every spin,
Wanting to be looked at
The way every girl does.
They wonder,
"Will I be loved when I'm old and
Not beautiful?"

Guys--
Tonic doesn't work,
The green light leaves.
They dance with the girls,
But can't keep a promise.
All the bright precious things
Fade. They will never come back.

Fancy shirts and parties
Will not heal the broken.

So we beat on.
These were careless people,
Destined to fail.
These were drunken on the
Idea of love,
Wishing for more than
They were willing to give.
These were beautiful little fools.

Eyes will watch and see.

Black and white flashes
Behind these closed eyes.
The echoes,
Growing too loud,
Pounding against the inside of this
Skull.
Crossbones. Poison.
What you've done to me.
It feels like every time I think of you
A hot knife plunges deep into this same
Skull.
Searing you again and again into my memory.

How do I get rid of that?

Listening to
The echoes in my ears,
Turning old words
Over and over in my mind,

It makes me wonder
When did I ever change from
A bothersome aquatince
To a quiet nobody?

It's the small heartless things I remember most.

I will wait for you.

In a coffin I lie,
A sentence served
Of life.
Watch me sleep--
I will wake again in your arms.
My heart is cold
Until you thaw it.
This ghost,
This haunting soul,
I will not depart--
Restless but
Waiting...

Come to me now,
For death calls with welcome arms,
Sleep will willingly drown.

I want to fall in love,
Fall hard,
But smiling all the way,
Never wonder what it would be like
To never hold his hand,
Cause I know he would never leave.

Make me smile,
I've been missing that lately,
Missing him,
The one I have never met yet,
The one I've been dreaming of.

I want to fall in love with a boy who...

Unravels my secrets one by one,
Knocking down my walls,
But doesn't push too hard.

Sees the pain in my eyes
He would hold me close without a sound.

Just holds me.

Would see all the tears I have cried,
The ones I couldn't bear to shed,
Wishing to find the missing pieces of me
And to fix my brokenness.

Writes down my half finished poems,
Memorizing my fickle words.

Confides in me his weakness and worries
Listening to mine with an open heart.

Above all he would never make me feel
Useless,
Insignificant,
Inferior.

Figures out what frustrates me and
Figure out my symptoms showing I'm stressed,
Depressed,
Anxiety,
Crying.

Cares.

Cares more than anyone else could, more than anyone else has ever cared.

Would not be afraid to tease me,
Even when I tell him not to but he would still know his limits.
He would respect my wishes and requests.

Would be the one that makes me happy,
Secure, and
Want to be a better person for me,
Him,
And everyone else.

Loves music and
Loves singing, especially with me.

Chases rainbows with me and
Takes crazy weekend trips at the last minute.

Would love to create-- art, gardening, music, carpentry, cooking,
Or a variety of these things and more.

Debates with me--
Not argue mind you--
And have his own will,
So we could make decisions together.

Agrees with me on most things.

Is intelligent and wise,
So we could talk about
Philosophy,
Science,
Calculus,
Psychology,
Religion,
Law,
Etc.

Is frugal,
But would never count the cost when it comes to me.

Would never withhold his forgiveness
And help, always trying to make me smile,
Even though he would always make me happy.
He would change his ways to be better,
No matter how good he already is.

Would marry me in the temple
But be nervous before the wedding,
Worried that this might not work in the end and he
Doesn't want to break me like other boys did.
But he knows that he would always love me
And this will work if we work together.

When he smiled, it would light up the world.

I want to fall in love with a boy that could love me with all his heart.

Alone in the Empty night.

The tears flow down slowly at first,
Resolving into a waterfall.
Uncontrollable fears, icy cold current,
Dragging down to
Unrelinquished pressure.
Sopping wet boots,
Suctioned to numb toes and feet,
A weight that won't let go.
Reaching up...
But there's no purchase on the
Slime filmed rocks.

Tortured... Drowned.

Adrift.
Without a grip,
Without a choice of slipping under the current
eventually.
Limbs limp,
Body spent,
The water rushes over my face.

We are all lost in the noise of someone else's mind.
No one can hear
Because the words are too strong,
Stinking in our ears and
Blocking the sound of true
Dawn.
Wishing,
Wanting,
Waiting.
Willing to wait
For the one who can hear us,
Even when we can't hear ourselves
For all the noise,
The noise that is in someone else's mind.