Sometimes I wonder if
this is truly worth the time.

Is it necessary
to constantly be breathing?
It's horrible I have to ask
yet I do wonder sometimes

how many hearts would break
how many tears would actually fall
who would want to hold me
like they never did while I was here?

It's horrible, I know
but it's reasonable to wonder
yet the sad part is
sometimes I feel like
nobody would.

i told him i could drive him home
after his safety was threatened
by the enter key.

he graciously thanked me
and curled into himself
the whole way home.

that evening, i asked him
if i had made the wrong choice
by smiling at him before school

all he said was no,
and that he appreciated my help
but that he was numb

today he asked me if i could
drive him home from school
next week

the quiver of his spacebar
was apparent to me even
without the barrier of speech,

his hesitance before
he touched the enter key
solidified the situation.

the enter key has hurt him
more than it has saved him
and i'll be honest with you

he is afraid to touch more
than just a key on the keyboard
he told me on the drive home

that he doesn't know affection
from inflection, that he recoils
at a handshake or hug

and honestly i don't blame him.
there are so many kinds of neglect
that even i can't name them all

but for someone who has been
left hanging in the dirt while the others
dance around them in circles

to simply accept how the world works
is absurd and unlikely. all of us
have our damages and we have all

been hurt by a touch.

so at the touch of an enter key
i tell him she lied to him
and he is, in fact, wonderful.

i have known you for years
and when i say years
i mean it feels
like eternities

i mean the sketches i have
tucked away in an old journal
feel like they were formed
in mountain ridges

i think the edges
of our friendship
are tucked away in the corners
of your favorite jacket

and are protected

from the harsh winds

of chance

i like looking through old
yearbooks
and of all the students throughout
history
never have i found one
like you

you are unique to those
who know you
and to those who don't

and yet those that don't
can't see how

your eyes
lower when you smile
but even
nightfall
couldn't dull their shine

your hands
grip
a sketchbook-
your child, i presume

your face
lights up
and becomes an autumn
sunset
when you remember
that thing you meant to say

but wait-

never mind

you calculated our reactions
and though i insist
you do not budge

but the
mischievous glint
remains

and i must ask

am i allowed...

is it okay if...

would you mind if i...

but i cannot
say

how being near you
overwhelms me
with this energy

perhaps

the warmth
will burn me
from the inside

and

perhaps

you will flash me
that smirk

and i will melt?

am melting?

have been melting?

i cannot explain except
that you are the reddish-gold
of crisp
air

you are
the
bubble
of
chills
in the crook
of my neck

i see you
in dreams

you don't act
like you would

but i know
it's you

i do not stand
a chance with you

i cannot
breathe
my heart
to you

i am afraid

you are

too

perfect

~

although

you

cannot

see

it

i feel so much better without you
in my life.

i'm glad i threw you in the trash
where you belong.

i can't say i
will never want you back,

but for the time being,
i'm glad i look more like a boy.

so *******
hair,
i hope you make somebody happy
at least,
the bit i donated,
but other than that
have fun
in
hell.

the palms of her hands
are calloused
from the constant
digging.

she is
digging a hole,
running on empty.

as she falls to her knees,

her fingertips
are enveloped in
the cool earth,
cooling the blisters
and bruises.

carefully,
she climbs inside.

and as the cavern fills up
with rainwater,

she feels her swollen tongue
and the rug burn on her skin
and the acid in her throat,

and she reaches for the comfort
of her shirtsleeves.

the grit
of cough syrup
and mud
between her teeth
makes her gag

over the patter
of rain,
she can hear a shovel
against rock.

another person
digging a hole,
but into the rocky portion
usually reserved for those
with nothing
left.

and so out she climbs,
cradles the digger
in her arms
and fills her hole
with flower petals,
dropping the lost soul
inside

and she wraps her fingers
around the soaked piece of wood
and metal

and groans with that familiar sound
of metal on rock

as she resumes
what they left behind.

“a maybe isn’t a yes”
as you ran your thumb
across my bottom lip

my hesitation was
palpable as my breath
hitched in my trachea

you could see i was
unsure, so you stopped.
“an ‘i don’t know’ isn’t a yes”

without a hint of disappointment
you rolled over and pulled
your shorts back up

over your thighs.
i feared the press towards
“come on, we don’t have all night”

but the press never came.
your roaming hands held me
elsewhere, bewildered and confused

like a creature rescued
from a life of torment
i whispered softly

“yeah, maybe not tonight.”

later you mentioned it took
me so much longer to
give myself to you

than the few girls
you’ve touched before.
if you had held me a few years

ago, we would’ve touched
on the first date, tasted
my anxiety sooner

because my “yes”
has always been one
of wanting to please.

i never wanted those boys
the way i hold you now
all five-foot-ten and blushing

when you pull my hips
to yours, it is without
a hint of deceit, without

the need to feel something
from nothing, without the
intent of simply feeling inside.

my head cradled in your palms-
“is everything okay?”
there is no reluctance

in being honest, no
parsed words- simply tears
and a hug. whether words

or lips, there is safety
with you, a safety that
would be sad to ignore.

i don't get
why everybody is
yelling
at me today.

i didn't sleep
and so i cried.
okay?
no need to tell me things
that will further my tears.

i have a lot
to do
today.

don't do this
to
me

i always expected your hands
to be colder than they are
and your pulse to be steady

but sleepy smiles breathe blue light
and you almost kiss my forehead
nearly interlock fingers

before you catch yourself
and lie there against me
it's my fear through you, i know

i've stopped thinking tomorrow
will be the same as always
there is no longer any "same"

this afternoon i saw the words
"you deserve someone who isn't confused
about how they feel about you"

it made me sick to think
that i'm supposed to be sure
about an uncertain sensibility

you're stronger than i expected
a sea foam green breath of air
youthful but so sure

a shape shifting creature, it seems
to them a staccato exhale
towards me, legato and full

an armful of existence.

i recognize it but do not feel
it besides an ache in my core
reminding me that it is unfinished

the end of which

i do not know

but i can taste in the emptiness
of the evening

you are a breath
of fresh exuberance,
but also of nihilism
and the way cold air tastes

how do i make you
begin to fall for me
in the way that i might
want you to

without seeming like i'm
pushing you to the edge
of what is safe versus
what is good?

is it wrong that i miss
the innocence of new love,
that i'm dreaming of the moments
i haven't felt in years,

or that the nausea
of my bones shaking through
my knees is a feeling which
i would worship to receive?

the idea of your presence is
more overwhelming than that
of your physicality, for when
time stops at least i can visualize

the idea of you.

it is more than the idea of you.
it is that dreamy trance of youth
near midnight, when the lights
overtake your reality and the music

drums in your ears and all
which is visible becomes all which
is love, it is love in its truest
and purest form. or even the late

night conversations dripping
with the beating of hearts and
the urgency of dramatics,
and although we know of its

purposelessness, we still try
to fix it for our own sakes.
it is the feeling of staying up
and out way too late, of road

trips, of the rips in the knees
of your favorite jeans, and the
way you readjust your hair when
you think nobody is looking.

you will never fall for me
in the way i might want you to,
but as long as i have your hand
to hold in this tempest of sorts

the metaphor will become reality

and it'll all be okay.

That sense of shame,
the feeling of exposure,
as if someone had just cut off all of
your hair-
it can plague you.

There may not be a reason
as to why it pulls you,
why it drags you
in its direction
but you know it's there
and you know
you shouldn't have
said a word.

Because now he can see it
in you.
He can use it and twist it
and turn you into something
you don't want to be,

so you set up filters.

Block him from ever seeing it
again.
How can he use something
he doesn't even know about
against you?

He doesn't use it on purpose,
but his subconscious
and his
worried side
may.

You want him to know you,
you and all your qualities-
your brightness,
your darkness,
and everything in between,

but you can't.

You know that if you do,
everything might change
and you only have so long.

You don't want it to change.

So you keep it down,
turn it off,
make him smile,
forget your words.

But it doesn't get rid
of anything forever.

Trust me,

you've tried.

keeping it light
drums towards 4am
playful and whole

how you see me, i couldn't say
but your fingers trace my back
like words you cannot speak

the words i spoke felt
right in my shaking hands
and you paused to consider them

next to 4am lies overnight
which is where hands wander
and the silence drips in urgency

you wanted to consume what you could
tasting without a mouth but your spirit
handfuls of raspberries cupped in your palms

i woke up to your arm resting
on my waist, i turned from you
in the night (i don't know why)

and while i wrote these words
you called me down, crying prophecies,
lips shaking and eyes swollen red

dark magic, you called it
or the presence of knowing far too much.
naming your spirit guide, i twisted my tongue

i will speak for you tonight
and remind whoever hears
to shake you of your walls

if that is something you might do

without force

i hold you to my lips

what is
one bite less?
what is two
in the grand scheme of things

i can't seem to stop,
yet i'm finding solace in it

he tells me
aim for 1200,
but what does he know?

i'm getting where i need to be
and nobody, living or dead
will stop me.

it's not that i don't want to

i just can't stop

not yet.

i realized i missed the wind
the moment the cold hit my lips

i've been fantasizing nightly
about head against chest
heartbeats keeping time with
the chirping of cicadas outside

i'm not used to missing hipbones
and legs intertwined
and a hand behind my knee

but as far as you're concerned

my weight in your lap,
one hand in my hair
and the other on my hip

very close
(i miss being very close)
your exhale and my inhale
and vice versa
i crave close

i don't know who i am anymore

you smell
of old cigarettes,
****,
*****,
and sadness.

you haven't been
sober
in at least
two
weeks.

yet
all
you
are
is
talk.

rolling eyes
meet your
sense of
complacency
with the power of
a small child
versus
a
large
animal.

going double the speed limit
isn't cute,
it'll **** you
and you don't care.

you live in
a chocolate cave
with lemon rind
edging,
but it's littered with
tobacco ash
and
wasted youth.

when the only contact i have
with you
is at 3 am
when the world is
dead
quiet,

and i appear to be online,

i become curious as to
what is really going on.

what is troubling
your mind
to make you
feel
so alone?

what
can
i
do?

you smell
of old cigarettes,
****,
*****,
and sadness.

especially the
sadness.

why is the thought "i want to go home"
the only thing in my head
when i'm in my bed?

when i'm sick
or feel like dying
all i want is to go home

it's been the same cry since i was young
begging for the comfort of home

but where is home?

i feel it's somewhere in the galaxies
where i cannot quite reach,
a heaven, perhaps,
a warm, inviting place
that i can only imagine
being full of love.

*i just want to go home

it terrifies me
that i can see a future in your eyes

a future
our future

i can't look at you
when others sit around us
your pull is too strong
and your soul too bright

do i want to see you?
and the way you laugh
and the sparkle in your eye-
what a reflection upon me!

i will not abandon you here
no matter how it overwhelms me

i am watching you fall in love
and i am not used to it-
knowing you want to hold me,
always running on an exhale

tomorrow and the next day
and forever are vivid
nobody annoys me more
or brings question marks to my eyes

quite like you.

i am at odds with a mirror!

this is not a love
that i know anything about
your hands on my face, in
my back pockets, tight on my waist

nobody has ever been gentle before
you hold me like a treasure
(i am not)

i have always been consumed.

i have always insisted
until now

i
did not ask
i
didn't have to
you
melted onto me
you
caught me by surprise

but it is your name (and name alone)
that fits so well
between my lips

and i end up spitting pearls
chewing marble
cradling ivory

(you are not your name,
you are tomorrow)

i'm sorry
what am i sorry for?
only God knows

but i would like to know
why
you can hold a beautiful girl
so lovingly between your fingertips
when but a year ago
it was me

you never loved me
i was there to satisfy your appetite
and now whenever i come over
i panic and cannot breathe,
as if you ****** the air out of my lungs
all those months ago

you held me like you loved me
i loved you
but you just thought we would be friends
with a little extra on the side

or how about the one before that,
never meeting in person
but giving myself away
the first chance i got?

it wasn't until he told my best friend
that landing in the hospital was karma
for me being a stupid *****
and then telling me
i was still on his "bucket list"
that i realized
who he was.

or even before that,
a beautiful boy.
seven months
i mistreated him
i broke him into pieces
which can never be healed
but i still remember how cold i felt
lying there afterwards

and the most recent one
didn't even want to play,
but i somehow won in the end
i wanted to feel loved
but i didn't know how or when
to say no

i'm not saying any of this is the fault
of these people

it's actually all mine

i played to get something i wanted

and i regret it now
and wish i was still clean
like pure snow

and i'm sorry

i'm sorry for playing with fire
i'm sorry for being afraid to say no
i'm sorry for wanting to feel loved
i'm sorry for using my body
to feel something

i still freeze up when i'm scared.

i'm so tired
but a tired that sleep cannot fix

i wish i could sleep all day and all night
so i wouldn't have to think

but i've been having nightmares.

i'm doing everything at once and yet nothing at all

"tell me if something is keeping you
from being the best student you can be"

how about i don't

because your mind isn't considered a disease

especially if you're an honors kid.

the hollow of night is fuller than i remember.

your careening towards space
glowing like lighting bugs

if there was a name for stars' tears
it'd be yours, pirouetting on
the tongues of clouds

and folded into the seams
of your jeans (the ones that hug
you like an apathetic lover)

i almost lost the steady pulse
of moonlight you whispered
about into the carpet

i love that **** carpet.

luckily i regained her rhythm!

you and your rhythm - you know
her more closely than my breath
knows the caress of hollow

i am
not part of it, you know,
i don't feel it anymore

no matter what you say.

"Just this once"
okay,
that's fine.

I don't really know
what to say
though...

sorry I guess.

I didn't realize,
and things won't change
but sometimes
I need to think about
what I do

before

I do it.

the curl of your wing drew
me in with the muddy tips
and gilded shafts, no contrast
against a parchment yellow sky

your skin a creamy sand that shone
with the heat of the sun and oceans below
oceans filled with galaxies, for the sky is
ever day and the sea is ever night

you visited me barefoot on paver stone
white clouds of dust between my toes
i could feel you with me always and yet
nary a word was spoken to soothe me

you cradled my head in your hands and
held me close as i sobbed over all i missed
and you pointed to the sky and assured
that the galaxies there were kinder than the sea

as you pulled the copper from your neck
and placed it around mine, i felt the sting of
stardust on my collarbone. it left a scar the size
of my future and you frowned.

the earth below shook.
i felt it in my teeth.

If I asked you
if you'd maybe like to try something
some time,
would you say yes?

Because honestly I've been looking
and I've been spending time
and you're really cute,
and I just...

Your answer is probably no,
and I know I should say something
anyway, just in case it's not,
but would you even care?

I don't even know for sure if I'm into you
and it's kind of childish to stay quiet
and I know that,
I kind of wish I knew for sure.

I don't know if you'll ever see this
and even if you do
you won't know who it's for
and that's probably best.

So please ignore this poem
because it's not even really a poem-
it's my rambling
of things I'm too scared to say.

I'm just putting it here
because I don't know how else to get it out
because I can't talk
to people about this in person.

In the hours between midnight and dawn
is when the world is most peaceful-
at least, that's what
I
think.

I don't feel peace often
but when I do
it's filled with
thinking about the ones
I love,
or,
at least I think I love.

It's spent daydreaming-
but is it daydreaming
if it's not day?

Honestly I'm still really confused
as to why I'm happy
and how I feel
about
you.

Or how I feel
about anybody.

So I'll just embrace this moment of calm,
peace,
serenity,
and use it to figure out
why I seem to adore
you
and why
I seem to fear
you
and why
I don't know how I feel about
you.

You
are
such
a
mystery

to me.

I'm not sure what stops me
from emptying out
the pill bottles
I keep by my bed
and just letting everything go dark.

I'm not sure why
I want to see that darkness
either.

All I know is right now
in this moment
I'm trying as hard as I can
to hold on

and I know I'll make it
because I have up until now
and I know I'd probably fail anyway
but hell,
that doesn't mean I can't taste it.

And you,
I'm not sure exactly where you come in
considering I don't want to bother you
but I need to hear someone's
voice
and nobody is willing
to let me talk.

Maybe I'll just hold my breath
until I can't stay upright
any longer
and perhaps then
I won't be so bored,
or sad,
or ******,
or frankly
just angry,
empty,
and lonely.

I'm almost convinced my mind
isn't the only thing
wrong
with
me.

It can't be.

Honestly,
when I say that I love you
I mean it.
I don't throw those words around
like how a hurricane throws the trees.
I keep those words sacred.

When I say I love you
I mean it
from here
to looping around the stars and back
even if it seems like
I'm saying it just to say it
I really do
love you.

It doesn't matter how
or why, or when it happened-
all you need to know
is that you mean the world to me.

Yes, it's true you're not the only one
I love in this way,
but each and every person
is loved differently, too.

Some need to be held
and others just listened to.
Maybe they need me to smile
even if smiling feels impossible
but I do it because I love them.

I love many people
in many different ways
and I mean it with everything I have
when I smile and say
"Honestly,
I love you"

so at what point
is this war?

the decisions
he makes

have very real
consequences.

we're setting
ourselves up

for failure.

i don't know
what i'm supposed to
think.

everything
is
a
mess.

should
i
be
scared
for
the
futu­re?

i mean
i already am
but like
what
do
i
do
next?

it's
solemn
out
here.

I saw you today.

I'm starting to get tired of wasting my time
hoping for something that will never be.

I can still hear your voice ringing in my ears
hours after you have gone.

Is that crazy?

I feel crazy.

I can still see your eyes light up
when you smile.

Sometimes I wish it was me
making you smile.

But that's okay.

It's all okay.

I'm going to keep my distance
even though that never seems to work.
I'm just glad
I saw you today.

That was it.
He simply leaned in and asked
"Are we going to kiss or not?"
So you did
And that kiss became more.
It became
"Don't tell your friends about me"
"Don't make a sound yet-
my dad doesn't know you're here."
Hidden away as a friend
Yet you begin to wonder if he loves you.
Then you see her.
She's everything he wants
And nothing you are
Yet his fingers still recognize your curves
His lips still fit with yours
His eyes still see into your belly
Where the butterflies try to break loose
And he smiles at you.
But that smile is unfamiliar now.
It's not meant for you.
Your lips speak otherwise
Opening only for a
"Your turn"
But as he feels his way down
You can't help but remember
He'd much rather feel
Her instead.

the envy of water is truer than i
ever imagined it being. i can look
through you, i can see the charade
you are playing every moment

i reminded you i existed under
you, that i needed air and room
to breathe in the starlight of his
voice and the thickness of the sky

and i see you push me away, repress
me further into oblivion until i cannot
see the light for which i yearn, the
dampness of a tomb is all which reaches

this far down. and i know that to you-
and for you- at least this time, i am small
and insignificant. you are afraid of me and
the voice i possess and the cracks in your shield.

you can't put me away for much longer.
not unless you want to wonder why i
am around every corner shaking you until
you are afraid to move, why i cannot stop

thumping on your chest until the hurricane
on your tongue hushes itself and dissolves
into a perpetual calm, or why the mildness
of winter can't invoke a reaction anymore.

you colored me a funny shade
of aquamarine

but you faded me out until
i was more infinity than ivory.