I thought that I was fine.
Thought I was too tough to cry.
Until I slept alone that first night.

Every time my head laid on the pillow,
My eyes burned no matter how long they were closed.
Every time I looked around, I realized just how alone I was.
I laid crying my eyes out that night.

It was the first time but it wont be the last.

In a world of good versus evil
Where the evil believe they're good
and the good believe they are the good ones
Which one are you?

"You signed up for this."
"You knew what you were getting into."
"You knew it was going to be hard.
So stop crying."

It is easier said than done.
When half my heart is gone.

What is it like to be woman?

We hold power.
But we also hold fear.

Power of distraction.  
Fear of rejection.

A man may never understand
That on the way to a predominantly male scene,
We plan our argument.
In case we are disregarded because our *******.
In case they look at our little brother to answer questions
About our own cars.

A man will never understand what it is like.
To be told to wait til you’re married.
“Your husband might want kids.”

A man will never understand what it is like.
The fear ripping through our veins as we walk alone.
Especially at night, our keys between our fingers ready to strike.  
He will never understand what it is like.

To be a woman.
To be female.

And a woman will never understand what is it like.
To be a man.
To be male.

Freshman year:
"Creepy-Crusty Freshman"
We thought we had it together,
but everyone else knew.
We were just beginning,
We were separate, naive and secluded.

Sophomore year:
Forgotten students.
Not ready for college
Yet not a new baby to coddle,
We were simple floating and following the beaten path.

Junior Year:
Most stressful endeavors
ACTs, SATs, AP tests
Do good they said,
Prepare for senior year,
"It goes by fast"
So do this and do that, but don't do that.

Senior Year:
Apply for colleges!
Don't be late! Meet the deadlines!
Senioritis.
We wanted it to go by fast and they said it would, and it did.
So fast that our last day was March 16th
Instead of May 22nd
We had no idea that we would never say a proper goodbye,
that we would never throw our caps to fly high,
that we would never dance to tacky music for the last time at our 'senior prom'
We had no idea what senior year would be.
But we now know what it was not.
It was not easy
not simple or complete,
straight-forward or whole,
Not ordinary and certainly not fair.

2020 Seniors did not get a senior year.
We did not get open houses for the masses,
Or graduation with peers from our classes.

In kindergarten we were told to stand tall and speak up, and chin up. Make friends because they'll be with you your whole school life. One day you will cross the stage with them.

But senior year we were told to be quiet, wear a mask. Stay inside, don't say goodbye, good luck on your own. You'll graduate alone.

When did I get so old?
Too old to kiss my mom on the lips??
Too old to tell my sister I love her???
Too old to even hug her????
When did I get so old?????
So old my back kills me??????
So old my knees buckle???????
So old I’m losing my thoughts,
As if my cards are constantly being shuffled.
Why did I have to grow?

I could write

A simple rhyme
Simply to take up time.

Or

A quiet novel
Whispering about a lover who grovels.  

Or

A bold song
To share what’s been on my mind so long.

But

This is just a simple rhyme.
Simply because I have the time.

Then
Luscious and green
Pine, oak, maple, and more
The best ever seen
Lilacs, sunflowers, and daisies galore

Beautiful


Now
Pollute, Pollute and Pollute some more
Baby turtles dying
Because of man-made stores
Consumers still buying

Corrupt

I am inexplicably excited to experience that love.
The love my mother had with my father.
The love that movies are made from.
The love that poems derived from.
The love that songs are based on.
The love the is irrevocable.
The love that is idolized.
The love the joins two.
The love that is true.
I am inexplicably excited to experience that love.

It burns.
It's so cold.
The ice surrounds me.
My arms and legs are swallowed whole.
It feels like fire licking me, perspiration dispersing soaking me.
My lungs are no longer working, spasing in pain.
I need to inhale, but I can't.

I need to.
But I know I cant't.
My ribs are being crushed.
My life is being ****** away from me.
The excruciating pain that is this.
The overwhelming sensation.
I know I am dying.
Slowly, Painfully.

I need to breath.
I inhale deeply, searching for the air.
I am met with ice, more and more icy crystals.
I'm kicking and getting no where, I am trying so hard.
I can hear them calling my name, 'just a little more'
I cant go anymore. Their words are not enough
I can not make it out of this, I cant fight.
I cant fight my demons, impossible
They are drowning me.
I can't get out.
Goodbye.
I tried.

She thought we loved her cooking
And I didn't like to lie,
but could you just tell your grandma
"I really dislike this potpie."?

The cooked carrot and soft noodles.
It was like deconstructed *** pie.
The celery and stringy chicken.
She loved that dish, but most definitely not I.

We almost always had it,
ladled into a bowl, the smell well known.
The creamy pasta was deceiving,
the taste...well, i wish my taste buds were out on loan.

But she'd smile at us,
we'd smile at her,
we wouldn't say a word
and we would watch tv with her

I wish I could taste that concoction again,
I would eat the whole bowl.
How I wish I could hear the clanging of her cooking.
Cooking of the food I would swallow whole.
Because the dish is even worse now that she cant make it.
May as well be eating coal.
One can only wish for the stupid, stinky, lovely dish.

I try to write
poems, stories, and songs
All I want to do is express myself
Yet none are strong

Nothing is good enough
It doesn't express my feelings
It's way too tough

But
I suppose that means
It perfectly represents me
Simply, not good enough

Sometimes I wonder
If this world is just a blunder
If one day
We'll all be escorted away

Sometimes I hope
That's there's somewhere better
We will all stay
Till the world's been cleansed with soap

Sometimes I desire
For this world to die.
So that we can rebuild
Without all the smoke and fire

It's not just the people
But the buildings they make
That break our beautiful world down
Until it's all fake.

Forget world peace.
Create peace,
In AMERICA

I impatiently wait for the break of Dawn
For I fear someone will drop a bomb
And when morning comes they will awake
And then the world will begin to crumble & flake
The government will fall
and when the New Order Stands Tall
adaptation will be a must
Forget "in God we trust"
When they threw values in the trash
Life as we knew it changed in a flash
Forget about the Holocaust
Under their words, ALL humanity is lost
And anyone who decides to protest
Will be put to death.... At best
I sign as a whole
For the government has taken its toll

December 23, 2023

Too young to understand
Daddy's not coming home
Yet too old
Not to care

Little girl
Looking at her mom
Wondering, wondering,
What was going on?
Why was mommy sad?
Had me and brother been bad?

Too young to remember
When daddy was there,
Too old to forget
That he was ever here.

Little kids,
Innocent and pure
Looking up at mommy,
Holding daddy's picture dear

Little girl
Too young to remember...
Daddy's eyes,
His voice,
His smile or size,
Too young to remember.
Too young to say goodbye.
And now,
Too old, only able to fantasize.

A few days ago it was your birthday
I was okay until I saw your comment,
On my post for you
2
3
4 years ago.
So long yet it hurts still
Like it was yesterday.
People used to always say,
It'll  be okay,
It'll get better.
I believe but not today.
Not on your birthday.
On your birthday I'm not okay,
I won't pretend
I won't say I am.
On your birthday, I just want to sit.
I want to cry.
Because no matter how old you grow
Or the experience you sow,
It hurts.
To lose someone.
Someone so close.
Old or young,
Neither fun.
I wish you could be here.
We got you a cake,
Your name written beautifully on it,
But you can't see it,
Or eat it.
So here's to you,
For teaching me so much,
Teaching me to be tough.
For just your birthday,
I won't be tough,
I won't be okay

What do you see when you look?
Do you base on race?

If you were white,
Would you be a *****?
If you were black,
Would you immediately be a criminal?
If you were asain,
Would you be a genius?
If you were Mexican,
Would your family be large?

Or do you see religion?

If you're muslim,
Are you a terrorist?
If you're Catholic,
Are you stuck up?
If you're Jewish,
Are you greedy?
If you're Baptist,
Are you a hypocrite?

Rather then that is the first thing you see gender or age?

Say you're a woman,
Would you be weak?
Say you're a man,
Would you be the boss?
Say you're young,
Would you be dumb?
Say you're old,
Would you be wise?

Or maybe academics are key?

If you wear glasses,
Does that make you nerdy?
If you are "preppy"
Does that make you mean?
If you play football,
Does that make you a leader?
If you're a cheerleader,
Does that make you a follower?

If you were smart,
Does that mean you are bullied?
If you are dumb,
Does that make you popular?
If you were always loud,
Does that make you ignorant?
If you're always quiet,
Does it make you emo?

So if you use a scholarship,
Does that make you poor?
So you don't use a scholarship,
Does that make you spoiled?
Maybe you go to a private school,
Then are you a snob?
Maybe you go to public school,
Then are you a hoodrat?

Maybe it's appearance first noticed but what does that say?

Cause if you arent a size 0,
Does that make you ugly?
If you aren't big enough,
Does that make you unhealthy??
If you weren't muscular,
Does that make you scrawny?
If you're muscular,
Does that mean you're trying too hard?

So you've got blond hair,
But does that mean you're stupid?
Or maybe red hair,
Does that mean youre quick to lose your temper?
If you wear makeup,
Does that mean you're hiding?
If you don't wear makeup,
Does that mean you're boring?
If you care what other think,
Are you self conscious?
If you don't care what others think,
Are you conceited?

What about....
What about if you were just you?
Would you be the same?
Would you be seen differently?
These things shouldn't matter.
But they do.
Oh so much
First impressions are most important
But oh so tough.

Why are you based on what you look like,
Or what you believe.
Why are you based on your gender,
Or how you do in school?

Judgements shouldn't be made,
But they are every single day.
In every single way.
But these things don't define you,
They don't explain you nor I.

We all bleed the same,
We see the same.
So why?

It doesn't matter if you're black or if your white.
It doesn't matter if you're Catholic or Muslim.
It doesn't matter if your skin is wrinkled or tight.
It doesn't matter if you're a woman or a man,
And it doesn't matter what size you wear.

Heart ache and Heart break
Are they the same?
Some say God only knows.
I know.

Heart ache is loving someone
Someone untouchable.
Heartache is yearning for someone you can't have.
Desiring their touch
Their voice
Their love
And being alone.

Yet heart break
Heartbreak is having something so good
And losing it in an instant.
Heartbreak is loving to end of the world
Only to be turned down.
Only to be laughed at
Stomped on
Pitied.

Heart ache and heart break
Both hurt so bad,
Yet heartache is okay
But heartbreak will leave you forever sad.

A dying rose
Yes that's me.

A fragile little thing,
Miscolored and broken.

Just a Tap
can cause oh so much damage.

But somehow
You never get the memo.

Always plucking
My fragile petals.

Always clipping
At my thing little stem.

But it'll be alright
I promise.

But before you pluck my dear last petal.
I warn you,

Don't.

My petal falls,
The pinky red color filling my eyes.

You didn't listen.
I rise.

No matter how small I seem to be.
You can never beat me.

Vines and thorns
Surround me.

They protect a newly found rose.
I, my dear friend,
I am the Black Rose.

You,
You are simply red.

My new petals shine and glow.
I was hiding behind my walls
Yet I realize I needn't be hiding.

I'm myself, black.
And nothing less.
I won't hide to fit in.
I will shine and be myself.

In the darkest corner there
Hiding far and near
He hides from
And hide from me
Seeking his one and only Anabell Lee

For a love that's not known
Is secretly shown
He searches, he sees,
His beloved dear Anabell Lee.

He might be young
But youth means nothing to him
For tied is not is tongue
When says 'I love you' to Anabell Lee

The last words he speaks
The Last time he sees
His beloved Anabell Lee
For the time :
One.
Eight.
Four.
Nine.

You may not see me
For my mask of sorrow hides me
You can see me smiling
But that's merely what I want you to see.
I'm not blind to your pity

Yes, yes.
You say I'm brave and oh so strong
"Everything will get better"
Please be quiet
For my ears are sore,
And this conversation is much too long

I don't want your pity
I don't want your sorries
Yea I'm hurting
No I'm not okay.

Yes I'll survive
Yes it'll be alright.
But I don't want your casserole
I don't want your muffins

I don't want your attention
Now that I've lost someone so dear
I don't need your homemade cookies
And don't want to sit and talk
And No, I don't want a beer

Yes I'm hurting.
No I'm not okay.
But I don't want your help.
Nothing will change anyway.

First as a thought
Then as a life
Once as a dream
Ending in a scheme

Once as a husband
Then as a father
For him,
Children were no bother

One is a daughter
And one a sonn
Once as father
His time was done

Once was a life
Lived in strife
Once was a boy
Who innocently loved his toy
And as this boy grew
His experience did too

He learned to live
Learned to love
The one he loved
As elequent as a dove
And as he grew
His love did too.
His love was returned
By the one he so yearned

And after a while
A white dress came to style
With two circles of gold
Their hearts were sold

As they raised their son
They awaited nine months to come
For a baby girl would soon run
Time passed with joy
Until the day momma screamed out
"OH BOY"
8:15 early mornin
The baby girl was born

There once was a daughter
There once was son
The once was a father
Who thought he had won

Two years passed
As life slowly collapsed
Well father got ill
And momma cried, paying the medical bills
Until her last 'I love you'

11 years late, still to this day
For mother, son and daughter,
Father will never fade away

Another year later
12 since he passed
The memories and thoughts
Of daddy haven't faded away

13 years since that fatefull day
Memories stay and stay
For many more to come,
Another year, on and on.
Closer to seeing daddy
In years to come,
daughter will be embraced again

There is a daughter
And there is a son
There's also a mother
Who will forever love my father