I have wanted to hold you in these arms of mine for months...
But, I couldn't quite figure out which walls to push down in order to let you in,
What grounding I needed to find to lend you my voice,
My arms,
This heart,
This love.
All I could share,were these eyes,

My silent “yes

My scared “hello”

And I am utterly scared by you,
Or terrified of the you, you will make of me.
I’d like to feel enough to give you something to fall into
But I know I can’t do that.
I know I can’t be her.
I can’t be the girl to share your graces in the morning.
I want to hold you

So that you’ll be close enough to break me,
Break me apart
So I can have something to piece back together in the morning.
See I am good at fixing things,
And being broken.
I am not quite ready to be whole.

I have some wanderlust to fall into,
Some hearts of my own to break,
Some kisses to never speak about,
And languages for my tongue to become fluent in.
And I’m not ready for it to be you.

So let me hold you
In my arms…
Will you break me?
I need something to put together in the morning.
I am sorry that you cannot stay.
Right now, I am not yet, quite ready, to be good at you.

I am terrorized by the thought of your hands
And what storms they may cause
What doors they may open
The trail they may leave.
I am scared that they will grab hold
Real tight when I am too scared to allow them to,
They may learn me
They may let themselves devour my flesh
And surround my eyes when falls become of them.
I am scared that they will be able to catch things mid-air
That I was counting on them to lose.
I am scared that they will kiss my heart with warmth
Dance across my lips
Massage my spine with the courage I need to dance through sun dried desserts
Create a welcome mat to a home that I am trying not to fall into.
I am scared that they will be brilliant and beautiful
Skilled and flexible
Everything I need and want…
All I can fathom is terrible things
My own hands shake
Because you keep giving me beautiful…

I am not soft
I do not know how to be beautiful
I don't know how to be half in half out
I don't know how to calm these storms that want to see you.
I cannot dim this light
or handle you gently touching me
I am not fragile
I don't know how to be small
You keep trying to place me in your back pocket
While I am trying to stand next to you and hold your hand
I am tired of preparing for flight at the beginning of every landing
I am tourist trying to create a home to come back to...
and I know we can't make homes out of people
but I want to feel it when I'm with you .
I want you to feel it when I'm with you
I want you in this when I'm away from you
I am no gentle woman
Some days I am walking contradiction
but my soul is always evolving
always extending out of this being... beautiful
And I want you.
Yes I want you.

“I have let go of friends who are not friends.
I have let go of, “I love you’s” that leave the after taste of, “for now”.
I have let go of the men that want to crawl in bed with a woman black,
fantasized exotic.
I have let go of boy who reveres my loudness
But only when it doesn’t interfere with ego.
You mistake hubris for confidence and fail
to stand next to,
work next to,
build next to,
something more than real.
I have let go of woman who deems me not worthy of respect but
of her unnecessary redundant jealousy.
I have let go of his lips that seek release instead of pleasing me.
I have let go of hands more prison cell than wanderlust…
There is something worth touching here,
Worth more than just ******* here.
I have let go of bodies assimilating for comfort
instead of adding to the peace that my vibe brings into any room.
I have let go of you women more foul milk than friend,
More siren than Goddess
More damsel in distress than Queen.
I have let go of darkness for light
but, I will never choose between the moon and the sun,
Because they both feed me.
And people drain me.
So, I have let go.
I have let go
of giving in
and bowing down
of staying silent
of thinking myself 2nd
And wanting to be chosen 1st.”

-Indigo Morrison

You are divine.
As I gaze at you laying beneath me
I have never tasted any chocolate as rich as you
I have never felt any being quite like your presence
I am stuck in an elevator with you even when you are miles away.
I feel you
And you see me
And you love it.
I didn’t know happiness could pierce a person like this
But you have created such a center
That gravity holds no bars to.
I never meant to love you
Quite like this.
But your smile is the most profound thing I have breathed in months
And I will forever be changed in this.
You flow through me like the wind that dances through my hair
You have shattered all reason to run.
You have created a falter in my plans
That has upset my schedule so far into perfection
I so am in love with you.
God gave me strength in waiting for you
I have spent an abundance of my years running from this moment
But He brought you here
He made me for “here”
Be deliberate with me.
Stay true in you.
Right here.
Right now.
I have wanted you like this for all these years.

I wanted him to be you.
But he never is.
And the next one just becomes my next flirtation with distraction,
until he becomes disappointment.
I keep stumbling into those.
I keep chasing after your spirit,
Settling when I see teeth sharp enough to let my secrets through...

I am scared.
I am love.
I am waiting for you ...but,
I keep getting him ...
I am terrified for my heart,
Terrified never to be open
Never to feel because I keep
stepping out,
then shattering
and caving back into my brokenness.

Still I keep reaching...
always lonely,
Trying to stay open for you...

I will remain alone until you find me,
Even if you don't.
Even if you choose not to.


-Indigo Morrison

I have lost sight of which direction in which to pick my feet up in.
I am lost here.
I am drowning in this sea of
Everything and everybody being like everybody else
And never being able to feel anything different
Anything better than this.
I am so scared that I will never feel anything again
That I wont breakdown
And come back together for this...
For my one chance
My one life.
I am wasting away here
Forgetting to remember why I am standing here,
Moving here.
Forgetting to remember why my hands shake,
Why my heart is concrete.
Forgetting to remember why my thoughts drive everywhere inside my head,
And no where near touching this earth.
I am not touching this earth.
I cannot feel this moment.
I am only scared here
And sorry here
That I can’t be here
And share something worth missing.
I am sorry that I have nothing to give here,
To build here for myself
but, mostly for you.

I see how much you need me to be here…

I am not the girl that you settle yourself for.
I am the woman that you solicit ***** words to but never touch.
The woman that you kiss but never wed.
That you dance with but never share home.

I am not "welcome mats"
Or "family dinners"
Nothing about me will ever settle you.
I am full lips,
And soft hands,
Dangerous mind,
And beautiful goodbyes"
I am pleasant "good mornings"
But only because I leave it there.
I am not see you later.

I am the after thought of beautiful,
Something elegant but,
not sensual enough to give into,
smart but, not notable enough to settle for,
I am heaven sent but not suited for marriage,
And I am wet dreams, not yet solid enough to build on.

I am too long, heart on sleeve
But not steady enough to keep you there.
I am kisses too far overdue,
But not striking enough to linger after in your morning.

I am sorry that I cannot be your sun
And I love myself too much to be your moon.
I am sorry,
I have to leave you here,
I am sorry,
I took up so much space in the aftermath,
The in between,
Of you and the one girl who will settle you.


-Indigo Morrison

"… I have all this red wine
and no you to share it with.
I wish you were here...
I'd hold you and
taste wine off your lips
until we needed more
from each other. "

your name is a trigger
for being wanted,
but not loved all the way through.
for being mirror that only reflects the good in you when you feel bad, sad or lonely.
your face triggers seeing myself walking on eggshells
and keeping one foot out the door in love.
your hands are a trigger for being held not tight enough and not nearly long enough.
your existence is a trigger of unrequited love that won’t stop
or fall apart like it should.

I am not woman still healing
from scars,
from wars,
from lives,
I’m not yet ready to talk about.

I am not beautiful nor broken
I am not a poet trying to stitch together my mind in a way that makes sense...

I am not a doctor
I am not birthed as healer,
As nurturer
I am not the light,
The darkness.

I am not black woman who leads
Black woman who dances for hearts that are too afraid to beat a little unruly
I am not at all dripping lonely
Or mimicking the sun when morning comes again
I am not both enamored by life and saddened by it

I am not the lighthouse
The storm
The final destination

I am not everything you’ve ever wanted
I am not the woman who got away
I am not what you stole from you.
I am not waiting to be whole here.

Everything is always, always
Life or death for me.
Which is why being here is so hard.
I am in my head
I stay in my head.
                           I can't get out of here.
My faith falls short when my control does.
I have so much trouble
I incur so much turmoil in surprise.
I hate this.
I wish I were able to treat the lows and the highs with the same grace...
But, grace has no place here.
I am obsessive
I am crazy
          Crazy happy
             Crazy depressed
Very anxious
Ready to run
Never sit down
Time to let go
Keep moving
Never stopping
Can't breathe
Too smothered
Gotta go
Gotta leave
Time to run... Again.

Peace now.
Settled mind,
Time to come back.
Things to do
...again.
People to see
Places to go
Life to live
Body to inhibit
Smiles to give
Things to do.
Be here,
Be here now,
Try Tiara try.
Be here,
Be here now,
Try Tiara try.
...but I can't,
Gotta move,
Trying to stop thinking,
Don't want to get too anxious
Don't want to get too scared.

But, I am tired now...
I am ready now
To sit still
Stand tall
And feel something.

Night sets in
Candles glow
Scents are mixing
Dinner, me, and you.
Tonight it all adds up for me
This apron alone is put on for you.
You are fine, refined, redefinition
Of all black MAN.
I will exist right here
Right now
To share with you
Create a scene with you
Whatever you want to do.
Share fruit with me
Get high
Vibe out
Share your dreams with me
Let down your walls
Take off your shoes
Be confident in me taking care of you
Giving into you
Be free with me
Real with me
Rough with me
Sensual with me
Fall into your urges with me
Let me devour you
I will yield to you creating moans of me.
I'm just thinking on some real ****.
Some all night ****
No clothes
No boundaries
Just some exploration of higher elevations
With someone so beautiful.

And to be here is to truly leave.
I sound like madness,
But touch me and you will feel it too
Breathe me in and you will smell the desperation
in my goodbye.
I am goodbye
I will never be "come home"
I will never be safe
More flight risk
than shore
More star than moon

You will never find yourself here.
I will never find myself here.
And I'm starting to think "here" is everywhere
And happy is gone as soon as I stepped foot here,
When I first put down book for friends
When I became scared of men.
Maybe it was when he died
Maybe it was when he left
Maybe it was when you said you loved me as you cradled her...
Maybe leaving is my "hello"
And goodbye is my "I love you"

Maybe I am confused
Maybe I am terrified
I don't know how to be here
In this extrovert, overzealous world.
And I hate the way the sun hides everything
And I can only come at night.

You are more than 2am
You are breakfast in bed
And daydreams in classrooms
If I ever decided to be here
I would need you next to me...
You could be my nature
My near by Tintern Abbey...
I'll show you my hurricane.

You hold me like the stars hold the moon and I am indebted to this.
2. Your lips seal secrets that only you and God know and I wasn't sure I could share these with someone that I wanted to love me.
3. Your eyes are deeper than any 5 stanzas that I spit my soul into.
4. Your hands are a blessing and sin wrapped in one being.
5. I kiss you at 4 am every morning because I can and make love to you anywhere, all the time because this is yours.
6. I say your name in my prayers to God instead of saying thank you.
7. If you were to ever leave I'd still thank God every night with your name because baby, to be loved by you...
8. I like to watch you work and watch you speak, God has outdone himself in the man that he has made of you.
9. I simply compliment your perfection.
10. Michelle Obama has inspired me to reach in and bring out the Presidential in you.
11. You need me.
12. I need you.
13. Come back here to this if you ever feel away from me.
14. You are the book that I go back into a million times over just to learn to ******* and touch you better.
15. Stand in this. Feel this. Take this. God has blessed you with me.
16. Chocolate is my favorite flavor.

-Indigo Morrison

" I am my first love
I have let few men love me since
I don't want to ruin this heart
I can't afford to let go
I've never been the girl that breaks
I shatter
And I can't shatter for you

You don't even see what you have here
You are the type of boy
Who overlooks the moon
And never wakes for the sun .

I am so full of wanting
So full of honey
But you are worried about keeping your hands dry
And I am scared
That I will fill you up
And have nothing to come back to

See...
You are my second love
You smiled out of nowhere
I wasn't ready for you
But you lit everything in me
I felt it in your gaze
Your stare
You were deliberate
With me
I took a chance on you.

And I have let few men love me since
Because it always comes back to this
Just me
My first love.

I am neither worn
nor torn.
There is no battlefield here to make of me.
There is nothing to help you digest
Me never giving into your "hello"
I am always "no"
I am always "next time"
I am always pick up book
before trusting people...
Contain  before express ,
And when I get too comfortable
it always comes out wrong.
I am always too strong, too much passion...
I am an overwhelming ****** marry
in a season meant for cosmos...
So no... there is was no storm here,
no hurricane
no damage.
I have just not yet opened heart long enough to let in  stranger...
It never crossed my mind
That there may be something better than feeling nothing.
That something that beats doesn't have to involve hurt.
That sharing doesn't mean losing you
and feeling doesn't mean I have to stop breathing.
I am waking in my numbness
I am stumbling from this self induced coma
Hoping to run into a hurricane that
makes me scared of leaving,
Makes me tired of sleeping.

-Indigo Morrison

And I'm not ready to have you...
touch me
hold me
enamor me
because once I do,
Once I let you in
I don't think that I will
ever be able to let go,
To let you leave  me.
As leaving is inevitable.


-Indigo Morrison

If you wanted me
I'd have given you all of me.
I have never been in the presence of something beating beautiful...
You are what secrets bared to the moon are made of,
You are feeling without seeing,
So much more live and all consuming.
You are eyes I am searching when I find myself at peace in coffee shop.
I am not simply running from lonely with you,
But wading through chaos finding peace in that storm
Sometimes next to you...
I would share in the rain
beating window,
And wind making a free woman out of me... with you.
I would share my freedom ...with you.

If only you'd look back at me,
You'd no longer find
Girl part hurricane,
Flying too close to the sun,
Always running,
Trying to create a love story out of your mouth and those hands.

-Indigo Morrison

You increase me.
You bring me quiet.
Your presence is peace.
You are what I meditate to embody.
You are river not beating down land.
Your lips are water caressing shore.
And still you are so full of fire.
You are all red room ...
And rich, smooth chocolate.
You are fresh earth
And bonfire.
I always want to end with you
Start with you
Give into you...
Coat your wounds with my laughter.
You deserve the calm you give to me.
... Please lie down your burdens,
Share your energy with me.
I'll lay it all out for you...
Forever will never be here
But this moment
Right here ...
Today ... with me is .
-Indigo Morrison

God has got to be angry
with the way I keep calling his name...
But, he some how isn't able to hear me
with the way I can't make myself keep breathing,
my eyes fill, but nothing leaks
I have nothing left to lose and he keeps missing my call...
Our schedules aren't matching up
And I can't find the heart to keep reaching for his...
My lips are swollen from all the biting,
my eyes are burning....
He wont answer me so I can rest,
So I can breathe ...
I just want to breathe.
....People create loneliness
So I keep trying to fill myself with myself
But its hard to love you when you keep forgetting to forgive yourself first.

-Indigo Morrison

My anxieties run through me like river
I am not all beautiful
But I am trying to be alive anyways
I drink coffee to join mornings
I take deep breaths to live inside of moments

I observe so I can see you without my presence as a distraction
I take in your lips so I know what coming together feels like
I dance with your hands to feel everything all at once
I leave the blinds open so I can move with nature

All of this is to say that I am working to be here
Please do not add to my mourning
I am human too
I am real
I have feeling in my chest
And I don’t want to shatter
So much so… that I never get to glow

... At least just once.

I am scared that I am going to become the runaway girl.
Close enough to touch but, not here long enough to hold on to.
I’m scared that I won’t be able to sit still for steady hands.
Its like coffee and cigarettes
Why take in chaos when you will always need the calm?
I need both
The calm the chaos
The real the fantasy.
I am scared that I will get normal and it won’t be enough for me,
That I will get every silver lining I’ve ever wanted and it still won’t be enough
I’ll always want more
I’ll always want the sun, the moon, the stars, the forest…
Nature is so much more beautiful than anything man made
Maybe that’s why man scares me…
They empty beautiful things
And tarnish gold.
But, I want to be touched by a man
Who sees the Queen in me
The chocolate
The Gold
And loves the stutter in my nervous
The weird in my beautiful
The good in my crazy.
I one day, want this
But I don’t know how to share me
Keep me
Love him
Not run
Not run
Stop running
From a man…
Because,
I’m Cinderella at 12 am
Hoping that he doesn't discover I’m not beautiful.

I guess I wanted you to know
this heart
this storm
the way pen and paper does.
I wanted my lips to be yours like morning coffee.
I wanted you to feel what a single song could do to sadness,
what I could do to sadness...
I can’t take it away,
but I could give you a break.
I don’t know why I keep writing about you,
wanting about you,
sleeping about you,
when you don’t have the love want...
maybe not for me.

I've scheduled an appointment about 3 different times but, cancelled for each.
I didn't think there was any purpose in laying down the voices in my head for a stranger
When I've spent so much time building cement walls of silence between anyone who has ever gotten too close to me.
I have spent this lifetime creating sound proof dream catchers of my screams.
I am not known to grab hold of clingy hearts
Because, it's hard to hold on to things that are trying to do more than grasp me.
I say goodbye or pass them along as often as the tide comes into the shore.
But, I do not come back as it does.
But, the voices in my head do.
The doubts they hit me like teeth to concrete
The anxiety hits me like 10 ft deep waters with no air to breathe in
And I am not the swimming kind.
I am a runner, so it is hard for me to live in water deep enough to drown in.
I have created water deep enough to drown in.
I have become so controlled that I am numb to hands
And I fall to words so easily.
I scare me
My voice scares me
My thoughts scare me .
Night hits like the sun after a storm
And I can't figure out which one I am or which I want to be.
I have created a tornado of this mind
A wildfire of this heart
And a tomb of this body
And I don't know if I have self-shattered too profusely
And too quietly to fix it.
So I am here now,
You ask me why,
                              And I am here because now
The broken pieces can't be ignored anymore,
It's not getting easier in the morning anymore.
It's getting harder to wake
And I don't know how many more days I can be here
Like this...
This is my last chance to fix it
                                          fix her
                                          fix me.

Stop kissing the boy who keeps saying “**** love”
He means that ****
This is his truth.
And you cannot save him
There is nothing YOU can do to change his mind.
It has to be the one… and you have to stop believing that he is just missing it.
Stop trying to cradle shaky hands that you wish to pour your heart into.
We both know how this will end,
He will drop it
He will apologize, repeat, apologize, repeat…
Never stopping.
Until you realize that hearts can’t be held by men who aren't sturdy enough to love themselves
Enough to love a woman properly.
Stop calling him at 2am, drunk with emotions that need to be set free…
If he wanted you, don’t you think he would have told you already?
Don’t you think that he would have found a way to be closer to you than that bottle anxiously calling your hand, your mouth, your mind?
You have got to stop thinking that his “I love you” means anything
If his actions say “I simply like that you are here sometimes”
Stop chasing his scars, wanting to kiss them away…
These boys love war and will do anything that will leave battle wounds
Just so that women like you will feel the need to fix what doesn't even hurt anymore.
So please do not think yourself a hero
More like nourishment for ego
And a Band-Aid showing that things once happened here.
You will not need to fall in order to gain the adoration from the right beloved.
He will be standing, steady foot, quick tongued, with an advantageous heart for you
And he will allow for you to rise into him…


-Indigo Morrison

“I’ve been carrying this body
Hoping that one day you render me weightless
And find something worth worship here…”

...But will you take it off for me ?
That cool I mean...
I think you're rather beautiful and I'd like to
Cut through the *******
Flash forward to the real ****
Like why you feel your heart is too overdrawn to give a ****
Or why your smile yet fluid in its symmetry
Is flawed in its frequency.

You. Disarm. Me.
Be gentle in your stare.
Any longer and my love will come down for you.
Your lips have grazed my flesh a million times over...
In my mind, that is.
If only you'd take your cool off and let me see you...

"I want to taste the literature
Within you
Let me show you how to be free...
Your mind is the most beautiful combination of
McEwan sprinkled with a little Palahniuk, throw in some James
It is **** to me the way your feet stay on the ground,
No matter how high they lift you up.
Sometimes I watch you while you read
And I wonder what could possibly be
Slayed across that page so wondrously
As to grant the room with the parting
Of your lips..."

I have been begging you to stay here since you landed.
I have seen the hole you've kept hidden,
the sadness that you keep at bay in the daytime.

I have felt the nights devouring you,
Some nights the moon can't tame your sorry's,
when you are too tired  to exist here...
I understand the hardship of placing feet on ground when you wake,
and to not stop moving.
You are still unsure if you will be able to keep going if you pause too long.

No one knows you are lonely,
and sweetie you are far too lovely...
Share yourself with someone.
Give yourself over to being here, feeling something.
Pain and happiness are necessary to sharpen and soften the best parts of you.
The sun will not always rise for you,
but we can pretend.
I'd let you see the world however you want to
if you
stay here.

P.S. Thank you for staying here.
No one knows why, but the ones who love you sighed in relief when they knew you stayed to join the morning.
As did I.
As did I.

-Indigo Morrison

They fear for their children,
Their things when our black men come near.
But do they forget that it was the pale faces who were the cruel ones?
They shipped and trapped our brown for sugar, molasses...
For things.
They inspected
Destructed
Degraded
Detained
Stripped naked our black men for money.
They stole much more than our black men today.
Beat, broke, and chained our black men
Only to incriminate the black body
Only to create fear of skin that has been kissed by something not man made.
So forgive me if I say "*******" to the police in their attempts at racial profiling rationalizations.
Have you no education?
Have you no intellect?
Have you forgotten OUR history?
You cannot cancel violence by enacting violence.
You cannot stop a cycle that you have began if you cannot even look at yourself .
LOOK AT YOURSELF.
It must be hard being so **** stupid.
Being so detached
And having the good graces to ignore and not to teach OUR history.
The black body isn't what you should lock your doors from at night.
Are you scared you wont be able to see it?
Are you?
It is the ignorance of our society of the simple fact
That what starts here
Ends here.
And we are doomed to continue
This cycle of shedding the blood of each other
If you refuse to educate on where the violence
                                                        ­the cruelty
                                                        t­he ownership
                                                       ­ the belittling
                                                        of the human body began.

Tell the truth about the way we loved.
Savagely
Fervidly
Passionately
Wildy
We burned down the walls of our own bedroom
We gave the stars a show
The shore something to grab hold of...
We were endless
Brilliant in our together
Innovators in our type of beautiful.
We inspired...
Men to love women whose mind's were worth
kneeling for,
And women who loved men with respect worth
submitting to...
Tell them how we loved
Tell them
Their was love
in the  way our feet moved
in relation to the other
The way our eyes danced through
all of these people
Till their was something worth settling on...
For me it was you...
For you it will forever be me...
I will tell them...
because sometimes the things that burn
the brightest tend to leave one breathless...
In a world so self contained...
We could not burn down these walls for our beautiful...

it’s taken me a very long time to realize
you were never what I wanted,
but you looked like it.
you smelled like home,
you felt like peace.
I kept mistaking you for calm
when you were just an empty room when I entered.
...and if this is what love is,
I want no parts of it.
I take away my own joy too much
to allow you to leave me wanting
and waiting too.
I’m so tired of not lying next to love at night and I don’t want to fight for love alone anymore.

I will not cover my breast as an apology for this body
I will not bow my head as an apology for being beautiful
I will not smile at your misogynistic jokes to massage your ego
I will not let liquor give you an excuse as to why it is okay for you to pin my arms
And take my lack of communication as me wanting it
Me wanting you
To take from me something you would not get from a more alert woman.
I will not purchase pants
In favor of dresses and skirts that do not ******* say "this is yours"
Nothing about even my bare body screams "this is yours"
Nothing about my passing glance says "take me" unless I tell you to.
I cannot submit to a man who doesn't fix his mouth to ask me if I want to.
I will not walk this life as a nun hoping you don't pound me to the pavement in your struggle to take control
And gain this power you feel should automatically be yours
To overrule my *****.
No matter
How bare my breast are
How high my skirt rises
How flirty my friendliness is
How my back slopes
How my hands move
How firm my no is
                 my stop
                 I can't
                please don't
                please leave
                not yours
                don't ****
                please stop
                not yours
                not yours
                no
                no
                no.
And with a mind a weak as yours
You shatter
You break
You tear through flesh.
You forget we are made of the same bones
That their is flesh here
That now holds taint here.
I will never find an ocean deep enough to drown myself of you
Absolve myself of sins I had no say in.
And no matter how brittle my bones are
How broken my spirit is
My lips will seal themselves,
Hollow out any lingering screams
Because, society will tell me that I made myself too pretty
That I showed too much skin
in contrast to the heated sun
That I swallowed too much liquor
And walked too ******* ****
And danced a bit too free
all in preparation for
                                   concrete, cold, hard, forced, penetrated
                                   remnants of you.

I am scared that I am dying
I have fallen so far into fantasy
That I have forgotten how to come home
I have lost my way of being
I am so scared
So stitched and sealed
That I think I’ll bare my vulnerable
And you won’t remember how to see me
But I want to
****** I want to
I want to be here
I am trying so hard to be here
To stand here
Sit here
And feel something
But it isn't coming together for me
The shards are not piecing themselves together as they should
And I am busy remembering to forget the breakdown
I can’t pinpoint when it came to this
I don’t know how to relax enough to figure this out
I want to live in this life
Be in this lifetime
Find a reason to stay here
Because I am missing it
And it scares me
And I am sorry if you love me
But, it’s so hard to stay here.

i don't want to go there
ever again
I don't ever want to feel
that way...
because this time
it would be by choice
and I can't choose you.
you were curious
you were bored
very lonely
so you picked me
even though you knew
you couldn't hold me
long enough to let me feel you.
and maybe
you liked me
thought I was beautiful
and I even believe
you thought you loved me
...but really you just didn't want me to leave
to leave you lonely
and you didn't care
that coming back
didn't mean staying for you
...and that shattered me

all this time
I thought I was building up
to you

I have felt much more with you than I have felt alone
I have never been so alive next to another person
I breathe so well when you are near
And fall so open.
You don't even have to touch me
But I feel you
All over
Everywhere .
I feel how much you miss me
You holding me is my coming together
I am covered in your love when you look at me
Never stop looking at me .
Your hands give my skin life
Your lips make my being leave ground
You are beautiful
You are mine
I want to never give up on you .

"You were a moment . You are not beautiful enough, you don't give back enough to interrupt my solitude. "

I feel as though I am dying here, waiting to feel something... to be moved irrevocably by something or someone...
and I am not the only one.

So I was done with waiting for the moon
I decided that love came when you opened yourself to the thought that someone may think gold of you
And my God did I see it when you smiled
You grew things
The way you touched me with those dark seas
And made me feel as if the room had shrunk
This all became unglued for you
I like the way you parted silences by kissing me
Making regret hesitating in giving into you
You are heart beats and stop lights
You feed me and slow me down enough to appreciate the way the wind moves when it is dancing for you
Sorry that I could not stay here
Sorry that I got scared
You made me see
Legs in snow
Lips in rain
Arms in storms
Eyes in night
Love in ***
Light in dark
I saw you in nature, everywhere I looked
And that is when I knew
That I was done with waiting for the moon.

I've got to stop chasing fireflies
Cali-lilies and trees
I've got to stop stomping down on earth
Trying to find the sky.
You have perplexed the sun
Set off the moon
And let beings fly high.
You've created remnants of storm clouds
That make coffee stains and cigarette smells linger
You have created kisses out of hands
Eyes out of sea
Waiting for Delilah's to bloom.
You have given spring a new name
Fall a new rise  
Summer a new wanderlust
And winter a new kind of cabin fever
...I see seasons in you
Strength in your truth
You have... come home eyes
And, here in my lost.
I am wandering here
But I am safe here
I will always be naked for you.

You were my first heart
The first taste I had of wanting
The closest comparison I had to
Sunrise and yoga
Black coffee and silence
Gentle hands and my skin

We were all of this
I felt like more than just this body with you next to me
Those vibrations were real
As real as this hurt
This letting go
This blue moon
This blue mood
Your lonely heart
Creating even lonelier hearts.

I think I saw the leaving in your hello
But I held on to you looking at me instead.
I am sorry for not turning away sooner,
For not running
I am sorry for not seeing that the pieces of you wouldn't come together for me.
I will do better next time  
At putting together glass meant for these hands
Meant for this heart .

I fingered apologies
all down your back,
as I kissed goodbyes into
the crook of your neck.

Bared my body bullet proof
as I shielded you from my beautiful,
I wanted you in this now,
without fear of my leaving.

So I made my mouth both
release and distraction,
knees holding me together ,
hands racing down then up,
daring you to break our movements,
begging you to forget my shortcomings,

My ..." I can't stays"
My ... "You will always be beautiful"
My ... "I see you, but I am not yet ready"

Pulsing hot,
ready for whats next,
Bodies banging bullet proof,
hoping that I have driven you,
into me, but away from my heart...

As you whisper...
"Take it in"
"not just now"
"take me in"
"not just now"
"Take me"

... And then I realized,
I could never,
Come down enough,
Blow down enough,
Bang our bodies
bullet proof enough...
To make you not love me...

But, I am not falling.


-Indigo Morrison

You are so important.
You are the concrete built to keep cars from traipsing off highways.
You are the talking down of man when jumping off bridge becomes salvation.
You are the last kiss in hospital rooms
You are the goodbye in airports.
You are exit wounds that go straight through,
You would never lodge yourself somewhere unwanted.
You are the sun after a night almost decisioned as last.
You are the mantra I repeat every morning feeding me to love myself.
You are the reason that today will not fall to the right of the dash sign on gravestone.
You are diaries filled with prayers to God
that I was too scared to voice for fear that he would not recognize me.
You are every foot forward when I was scared my blackness was too big to enter into classroom conversations.
You are wild eyes when everyone is too in trend to take off their cool.
You are naked heart when cold has caused frost bite of these  hands.
Body yearning to be touched but too scared to be honest.
You are the silent
"You are here"
when depression floods me with "you are nothing"
You are the
"This will pass"
when anxieties infiltrate my home without knocking.
You are the silent "I am here"
When I grow tired
with hurt from people
I would lie down what ever blessings God has on back order for me.
You are not the absence of fear but the courage of being scared and to keep moving anyways.
You are hello's too long overdue
from girl too often overlooked.
You are the seeing of Queen over seductress.
You are the man, not loyal to being loyal but, fiercely protecting what is human,
what is steady,
what foundations you have built upon.
You are the calm found in chaos by girl too enthralled by rain to run inside.
You are secrets whispered to the moon
with the ulterior motive of being heard by the stars.
You are everything.
You are so important.


-Indigo Morrison

"I guess I am trying to tell you...
Your heart holds desire here,
More than drowning.
There are constellations formed around
the spirit in your eyes.
You are concrete for me
More than any human I am not kin to.
I am not running.
This moment isn't something my mind has to dissect.
I do not pick apart and put back together your words
like I once did.
I know you mean the language that forms against your tongue.
I know that your eyes will always give way to your heart.
I read you
Like I have never been able to do with a book...
Which says much more about your open heart
That you have left naked for me.
I always thought I'd have to give much more before a man is a man for me
But you have shown me.
That love meets somewhere in the middle.
Though you took a few more steps to let me know
You had no plans on leaving...
At least not without me.
I love you.
I read you.
I am here.
I want to stay.
I want you to stay.
I like that I feel this.

Life is short
You don't want me or my love
So why waste my heart?
Don't you think I'm beautiful?
I'd think you'd love me enough to let me go...
If not I'll just keep coming back because you keep smiling at me...
It really changes your face,
First handsome then beautiful
You should really let someone capture it sometime.
I think it's why I wanted to know you,
Maybe I should have looked away,
But you smiling
Is staggering,
I couldn't,
I could never.

I guess I like the way you smile at me when I say hello
I am always waiting to say it back to you
You are white chocolate
Mixed and blended at its finest
And you smell like heaven.
If only you’d be bold enough
To ask to share some conversation with me.
I could talk to you about my favorite teas
Or why coffee is the only reason growing is over for me…
If you ask me about literature, I swear I will light up like the sun
And I will never stop talking…
You may not believe me since silence crowds our space when you are near…
But all I know how to do is say hello back
To the beautiful man
Always waiting to smile at his local barista…

"I beg of you to tip toe on my lips
Dance beneath me
And when I fall short,
relax.
I am taking you
inside, outside
soft, rushing, hard.
Hands touching
            grazing
            grabbing
            holding ...onto
           slapping skin.
Melting.
And by melting, I mean you.
I can hear it in your moan
In the distraught face you make
Before you dance into me.
I taste you...
I crave you...
Just as much as I crave your release.
It relaxes me, it pleases me.
All due to your allowance
Of me making a monologue out of you.