I'm tired
Of being
Someone
I can't be

And I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I'm so
*******
Tired
And angry
And done
And tired
And tired
And tired
And anxious
And angry
And frustrated
And angry
And ******
And sad
And lonely
And tired
And tired
And overwhelmed
And stressed
And tired
And anxious
And angry
And angry
And done

And tired

And tired

And tired

And-


-Cnwlry

I am a pigeon.
Once a pet
Once loved
Wanted
Cared for
...But now...
"Filthy"
"Diseased"
But the only disease
Is the lack of care
That I can't live without.


-Cnwlry

Dear Dad,
I miss you.
Even if I know
You were a bad dad.
I'm still scared to stand up to you
But daddy...
I miss talking to you
I still miss having a dad
And even though I'm different
I hope you miss me too.
I've always tried very hard
To be someone you could love.
Even though I've always known
I'd fail.


-Cnwlry

Past birthdays
Wishing to make it to the next.
Well here I am
Mourning the girl who isn't.

-Cnwlry

A dark room
Hiding in the corner
Barely singing a song
Whispering the words
"Happy birthday-"
Choking back tears
holding arms to chest
"-to me."
Letting out a cry
"Happy birthday-"
Thinking about people
the ones downstairs laughing.
"-to me."
Celebrating since they won't.
"Happy birthday-"
At least it'll be sung with the right name.
"-dear Cole."
Tears stream down
Quickly wipe them away
"Happy birthday-"
Jumping, hearing a door slam in the house
"-to me."
Laying down
Rocking back and forth.

I open my eyes.
My birthday again.
Is it really two years later?
Fake birthday wishes sent.
At least this year I won't be alone.

-Cnwlry

Writing feels impossible.
It's not that I don't want to
Or that I don't have motivation for it.
The words are still inside,
Waiting to escape.

Maybe I got used to silence.
Finally. Right?
But I still have too much to say
And no one to hear it.

I try to say what I think
But no one gets it.
They say trauma is trauma
And if it affects me then it is.

But while I stare at the screen
Feeling hollow
I know that others feel the same.
So I will write.

I will write even though it hurts me.
I will write to you though I don't know you.
I will write till my fingers bleed.
I will write so we are not alone.

I'm here.

-Cnwlry

As I stare into your soul,
though I know it's untrue,
I worry that you'll leave.

-Cnwlry

I'm angry at them,
but I can't shout.
My face is hot
and I feel burned out.
Try to calm down.
It's just in passing
but this thing in my chest
It's still lasting.

-Cnwlry

The line goes
"Would anyone notice if I stopped talking?"
I would think so but
Maybe no one listens anyway.
I struggle to find the words
And hand pick the chosen many,
I wrap them up with a neat little bow
But people tear them apart
like kids at Christmas,
Or dogs at a bone,
Grumpy when it isn't what they want.
I don't think anyone would care
If I just stopped talking
But my mouth always bubbles over
With words I wish to say
Like water on a stove.
I whisper at myself to "Shut Up!"
But I brush it off
Like the tears on my cheek.
Just. Listen.
There are so many things
I need to say.

-Cnwlry

The mirror lied.
So
I fogged the glass
and drew my story

-Cnwlry

Texas hates the trans kids
"So do I"
Says the man you claim
to be my better.

-Cnwlry

I'll paint my nails
Fix up my hair
Anything you say.
Get good grades
Wear high heels
You never listen anyway.
Who cares if I am strange?

They dare to call me names.
So I'll change my clothes
Cut my hair
Just exactly as I please.

You won't hear me anyway
Who cares if I change my name?
Who cares if I dare come out?
So what? So what?

I put make up on
And starve til I'm enough
Is this truly what you want?
Is this truly what you need?

A daughter who is prefect
A daughter just to see

Who cares what I say?
Who dares challenge me?
So what if I shut my eyes?
"Fix your hair"
"Do your nails"
Anything I should do.

I will not listen anymore
To what you have to say.
Maybe I'll change everything
Even change the game.
"Wear a smile and wait a while"
I won't follow you anymore.


-Cnwlry

Ocean depths
Like grass on trees
Could very well
Be the death of me.


-Cnwlry

It's not my body
But I have to tend to it's care.
I don't want it
But it's not going nowhere.
Changing gender each week
wasn't my choice to pick
But I've got to deal with it.


-Cnwlry

Don't let go of me
I'm too young to feel this free.
Tie me up in memories
Shut the lock and hide the keys.
Make me close my eyes
And hear all your lies.
You don't care for my cries.
I've been straining for some time.
Close me down, pushed away
I wish I didn't wake up that day.
You don't listen to what I say.
Isn't there some way?
Break free of my cage!
I'm burning all the sage
Give me back my wage!
I'm tired of your stage.


-Cnwlry

I've been hiding myself for so long
I almost forgot who I was.
I've closed off my light
To please others,
But I was never happy
Being that perfect little girl

I am not.
Your terms do not define me.
Girl. Boy. Non-binary.
Who cares what I am?
I am anything.
I will not remain that
sweet
straight
pretty
perfect
naive
little Girl.


-C3nwlry

Him
Savior.
Holding me
But I soon realize
It's just in my head
He is not to be seen.
As I grow up and open my eyes
What if I was the savior I needed.
The villain just a cookie cut.
The God they speak of never came down.
I have been left here on my own.
Struggling with myself.
The eternal hell I live.
boy or girl
right or wrong.
God wasn't there.
I get older.
I realize
I'm alone again, of course.
We are one person.
Both of us.
Alone.
Me


-C3nwlry

Loving you was my mistake
But I'll still love you 'till I break.
Just stay with me today.
I want this
If you don't
Then you don't have to stay.

Loving you was like a moth and flame
You lured me in, then played your game.
But I still stay here everyday.
I need this.
I liked this anyway.

Loving you was so bright
When you smiled you were my light.
But then that smile faded away
Now I'm lost
In the dark you left behind.

Loving you was like a lullaby
We listened close to the others mind.
But you said that it might change.
You gave up.
You left this anyway.

Loving you was my mistake
I still love you anyway
But you turned your back on me.
I don't like this.
I don't need this.

Loving you was my mistake
You stopped saying it back.
It really feels like hell
When I see the old texts you'd send.
I don't want this.

But I can't stop
Loving all that you do
cause I love you.
That, angel, is true


-3nwlry

He protects me in the dark
He shows up in my dreams
as My lover and my friend
And so much more.

And She shows up when I'm scared
and whispers of what I'm unaware
That They don't love me back
that I'm alone.

He holds me tight he tells me that
She lies to me every night
But for some reason I close my eyes
And I whisper that she's right.

She smiles with that evil grin
She knows that she's won again.
And his eyes are wide, and his light dims.

They aren't the same no they aren't.
I feel them, No matter where I go
They follow me home

I wish I could see him, in my wake
His eyes are so blue.

She shows up no matter what,
that persistent, young woman
She seems so beautiful, but then she screams.

He holds me tight, to not let go.
she grabs my arms.
She told me so,
She'd haunt me forever, bring me low.

He turns his back, to protect me,
I hug him tight, in my dreams.

I wish that he was alive.
So we don't have to say goodbye.
And I don't even know their names.

-3nwlry

I know that I'm a F up, mess up,
A really big mistake.
I know that you won't tell me, but I should run away.
I know that you don't want me, like me,
Hope to see me smile.
So I just stay here in my room, dreaming for that day.

-3nwlry

Oh you left me here alone,
And I can barely pick up the phone.
Cause you show up in my dreams,
When I don't ask you to be.
Oh You left me
And I'm lonely.
Guess I'm not over you.

I thought I was over you
At least a little bit, it's true.
Oh this is happening
Give me a moment
To catch my breath.
And I'm scared now,
Cause you're not answering.

You have a girl with you,
Is that true?

And I get it, I'm not for you
I'm not for anyone, anybody yet.
I'm fine, I swear that it's true
I'm just not over you.

I wish I was over you.
As I fight the urge to text or call,
Cause it will never be the same at all.

You left and you moved on.
I'm here singing this song.
That's okay, I swear I'm fine,
I just thought that you were mine.

Oh this is happening.
Don't look at me now,
Cause I can barely make a sound.

You seem happy,
And I'm lonely.
Cause I'm just not over you,
No I'm not over you.

At least I don't have to see you
Everyday anymore.
And At least I can't stare
while you hold her tight.
Please don't hold her tonight.

I don't wanna hear about it,
How your hands together fit.
Does her smile light up your day
While I'm here, fading away?
Oh, Do you say you love her
Just like you told me, the same mistake?

I used to be her, I know
I guess I won't pick up the phone.
If you're happy when I'm lonely.
Then just stay away from me.

I am fine now, I swear this time
I'm glad crying is not a crime.
If you knew how I felt about it all,
Would you still not call?
You said you love her too.
When I'm not over you.

-3nwlry

We've been friends for quite a while
We've always made each other smile.
I'm not sure when I felt a change
But now my feelings for you have a range.

I'm not sure if I like you yet,
These feelings might not be set.
I know I don't want to hurt you,
And deep down, I'm scared that you'll leave too.

And if I wait any longer
Maybe they will get much stronger.
But if I tell you too soon
You might run as far as the moon.

You might like me, I'm not too sure
And if you do, we are our cure.
I still don't know if I like you
But I want to try, I really do!

I'll open up my mind and heart
As long as you don't tear it all apart.
And if we crumble back to two
Just know I'll still be here when you feel blue.

So if you read this, at any time,
Please just send me back a little rhyme.

-3nwlry

I lie to myself sometimes.
Tell myself I'm fine,
That I can live without it.

I miss seeing my breathe
pour out in front of me,
so I can see my inside.

fog up the glass
that is telling me lies
It is not the true mirror.

I never thought
I'd miss it
as much as I truly do now.

The truth is I felt
That it didn't matter
what I wrote.

Now I know,
poems, don't just help
you cope.

Poems have the key.
Show the mirror
of what we could achieve.

They do not just
tell the past,
the pain, and woe.

They will help us fly.

-3nwlry

It's so not fair!
I dealt with him already
This sounds so rare...
I feel so very unsteady

I lost that lover boy
When he moved away
I felt kind of like a toy
But we went our separate way

But when he left
School started anew
And I found out in my math class
I lost and "gained"
that boy I used to know.
The one who was quite stupid,
but I liked him anyway.

The very one who left me lone,
When I got away.

He invaded my home,
with unwanted memories of pain
Everything is red and gory
I feel the tear in reality.

Fate does not seem in my favor
The one I love
Moved away
The one I wanted to stay away
came anyway.

This is so unfair.
This is so cruel.
Has anyone seen this before?

I lost one
and gained the run away.


-3nwlry

They told you "Careful"
Because they saw the frozen eyes.
Friends warned you
Because they knew the burning mind.
The people hissed
Because they saw the iron wall.
They all left
Because they tried to invade.
Your friends said "Watch out"
Because they felt its icy stare.
The people frowned
Because they all knew the cold retorts.
The people watched
Because they couldn't fight.
You said hello
Because you were afraid.
And suddenly
The lion shed its mane.

-3nwlry

And that night,
When the show choir sang that song.
I realized everything would be different.
Everything would change when summer ends.
They will both leave, in different ways,
And I will be alone, yet again
No one to hold, no one to talk to
Everything could change when school ends.
She will graduate. He will move.
The others will stop talking to me.
I will be all alone. They will be gone.
Everything will change when May ends.

-3nwlry

I cried last night.
For my words unsaid.
She will graduate and he will move.
And nothing will be the same.
That last song got me, And I cried.
I cried, mourning him.

-3nwlry

At that moment. That night.
When I watched them dancing at the concert.
I realized I love him.
And he will never know.

-3nwlry

I'd rather be hated than lied to
I'd rather be lonely than "Loved" by you

-3nwlry

I used to hate myself.
There's no other way to say it.
I used to hurt myself.
There's no easy way to tell.
But now that I'm months clean,
And I have a reason to stay.
I'm not sure.
I think I like me?
I might stay here.
We'll see how long it lasts this time.

They say it was my head.
They say it was my mind.
I think it was my outlook.
Maybe it was the year.
But I think I might stay like this
For at least a little longer.

I'm not sure.
Do I like me
Or do I just like this life?
Do I like the life
or is it just him?
Did he change me,
or did I?
I'm not sure anymore.
I changed a lot of things,
I cut a few fake friends.
I dunno,
This could work.
I'm not sure,
This might work.
Maybe I can be happy.


-3nwlry

I go to the bathroom
And cry in the stall.
Such disappointment, such failure
I haven't felt in a while.
I thought I got better
Not good enough.
I knew I wouldn't make it.
I knew I couldn't join.
The optimism I had
Has gone within seconds.
Meyer didn't call my name
I didn't make it into the choir.
My friends did, I'm happy really
But I wish I could have too.
We smiled and clapped
But inside I cried.
Adam, Bev, Colton, Joel, Meredith, Larry
All made it in.
I was not wanted, not needed.
I though I would make it
But I didn't.
I might as well give up.
It's not like they'd care.
I'm not even that good
I sing, yeah, but not well.
Trying out was a mistake
Going was a mistake
Hoping, wishing, wanting
All those, everything was a mistake.

-3nwlry

I thought I was special
I thought I was good
But this disappointment is expected.
Just not in this amount.
I knew I wasn't good enough.
I knew I wouldn't make it in.
I now know it's pointless.
Yes, I like to sing,
But I'm not good enough for them,
The judges didn't choose me.
They chose my friends
Yes, they're very good,
But I thought I was too.
My mother lied to me.
My "parents" will laugh.
So I didn't make the cut.
So what? It doesn't matter!
It's not like I thought I would.
I'm not actually that good.
It's pointless to try out now.
I know now I am no good.
Pointless to go for my dreams.
I've never been accepted.
None of the competition choirs choose me.
None of them care
It's pointless for me to cry
No need to be sad.
I knew I wasn't good enough.
They just proves me right.
But, oh, I so wanted to be enough.

-3nwlry

I sit here all alone
No one to talk to, no one to hold.
As I sit here, own my own
I sing a little song.
I wonder if they'll sit by me,
The people I call friends.
I close my eyes and hum.
Then "hi" I hear
I look around,
There he is.
The person who's my friend.
No one else, still that's fine.
At least I have one.

-3nwlry

Dear step sister
I don't know what I did to you.
I'm sorry either way.
I don't know why you yell at me
And say the things you say.
I'm older and much more mature.
You say your voice is sore
But you don't think to stop screaming.
You tell me to slam my door, fight you, hurt you
Do what I want.
So I mutter "oh I'll hurt someone"
And go on a cutting frenzy.
Only in my mind,
My mind's eye sees the blood.
My arm remembers the burning sting.
My hand whispers in lust.
I remember last time
Only that was not your fault.

Dear step sister,
I understand you're a teen,
But just because you have stress
Does not mean others don't.
Learn empathy, be kind
I don't know what else to offer.
Yes, I'd make the Mac'n'cheese
If we had the boxes
Either way, we won't go hungry.
Trust me, you all eat enough.

Dear step sister,
I'm sorry for what I've done
If I did anything at all.

-3nwlry

Someday I'll fight the battles
Inside me, I know I'll lose.
They have way more to choose
To fight with me.
My insecurities can't be numbered
No one real has discovered them.

One day I'll fight the battles
Inside me. I'll probably lose.
They have way more things to choose
Way more tools.
When the day comes.
I'll cry out where I'm coming from.
I'll call out "mayday".
No one will understand the way
To get to my heart
My mind, my soul.
They say "the prettiest eyes cry most"
I think it must be true
People say mine are beautiful.
I just don't see it.

So maybe I'll fight the battles
Inside me, even if I'll lose.
I don't have much to choose.
They have me by my neck.
I don't know what else to do.
I'll cry out "farewell"
I'll call out "farewell"
"Goodbye" if it happens again.

-3nwlry

I wish I was a fairytale
Of another different realm.
To leave my life I peace
Ask sadness to cease
In the never-ending portal.
Be written down immortal.

Deaf to anxious woe
And misery to tow.
'round, 'round, the praise following
The only rule: no wallowing
In the never-ending portal.

A princess to be queen
Has no reason to be mean.
Her people love and sing to her
Up until she finds her sir
In the never-ending portal.

Her children will be kind.
Her, they will mind.
She, the ruler of the kingdom
If happiness there is no sum.
In the never-ending portal.

Here, I wish twas true,
I stand in morning dew.
Picturing that far 'way land
But, in reality, I stand
With the never-ending portal of poems.

-3nwlry

This depressive episode
It's lasting way too long.
I'm losing my mind
And my skin.
I'm failing all my classes,
I don't get enough sleep.
I'm fighting with my family
And losing all my friends.
I'm yelling at my parents
And lying about how I feel.
I'm losing my voice
From shooting the silence.
I'm crying every night
And cutting every day.
I'm losing all my reasons
Not to fade away.
I'm sleeping through alarms
And falling off the bed.
I'm crawling to get ready
Trying not to look dead.
I don't get up when I should.
I can't really tell.
I fired my therapist,
And pushed my parents away.
I curl up in my bed,
But there's no escape
From a broken mind
And a crumbled heart.

-3nwlry

As I stare at the empty stage,
"When will I find my place?"
I think that I deserve to live.
"When will I find my way home?"
I think that I am lost.
As I stare at the empty stage
No one else around.
I sit at this piano fence and play my song.
I think that I'm losing it.
"When will I find my place inside?"
I think I deserve to run.
"When will I meet my end of hiding?"

-3nwlry

Little boy, don't you worry.
Little child, dear to me.
Little angel, listen close.
Little babe, can you hear?
Little girl, just believe.
Little royal, just imagine.
Little baby, don't you cry.
Little dear, close to me.
Little timer, look close.
Little child, can you see?
The diamond in the sea.
Little rose, in the thorns.
Little me, don't you fear.
Little perfect, near to me.
Little babe, look and hear.
Little swaddling, reach for the moon.
Little angel, just rest now.
Little one, when you're older.
Little you, won't be mine.
Little thee, you'll be your own.
Little mine, please stay here.
Little child, let me protect.
Little ome, let me take the hits.
For little, for mine, you won't always be.

-3nwlry

Have you ever listened to me in your dreams?
Do you know me like you do a memory?
Do you my voice stuck in your head?
Do you know my name just as your own?
If you do, then you're amazing.
Do you cry yourself to sleep in your own?
Have you ever scared your skin as well?
Do you have your mother's picture by your bed?
Do you need some one to comfort you?
If you do, I'm perfect for you.
Do you smile to yourself?
Do you love you like you should?
Have you never felt lonely or misunderstood?
Do you not need some one to feel loved?
If so, you're better off alone.

-3nwlry

And all you have to say is "Are you okay?"
And all I say is "I've been better, but I'm fine."
I'm fine. I'm fine.
They beat me with their verbal assaults,
But all I have to say is "I'm fine."
Keep up the blockade, while I pull away.
They push and they pull, trying to get me.
I put up a smile, a front, a fake
And all you have to say is "Are you okay?"
I look at you and say "I've been better, but I'm fine."
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
They pull at me, behind the scenes
Telling me to say my name. I hide and dive right through.
They try to tell me who I am
What to do. They push, then pull and drive me to the edge.
It's been like this all my life.
I moved eight times, but since eleven,
I remember long ago
I was eight and bled from a paper cut.
Maybe that's where it went wrong.
So I hang my head and cry.
And all you have to say is "Are you okay?"
I fake a smile and lie, "I've been better but I'm fine."
You nod your head and leave me be
To drown in my own misery.
I've been better but I'm fine.
Eight words to hide behind.
Eight words. Eight moves. Eight years old.
I believe it's true.
That I've been better but I'm fine.

-3nwlry

Land and sea
They lovers be.
The waves rush up
To meet the shore
They lovers be.

Land and sea
They lovers be
The land jumps up.
And then under
Kisses by the sea.

Land and sea
They lovers be.
Once upon a
Not so long ago,
They lovers be.

Land and sea
They lovers be.
When man was scared
And feared the ocean,
They lovers be.

Land and sea
They lovers be.
Man could not swim,
Or control
The wild, wild sea.

Land and sea
They lovers be.
The land was burdened
By the man,
Who ruined sea.

Land and sea
They were lovers be.
When man left lone,
They were pure.
They lovers once.

-3nwlry

I can't hear you above the sound of the ocean waves.
I can't see you across the thousands of miles away.
Lie and tell but you can never escape the grave.
You'll go blind if you look into the sun's ray.
Whispered voices hide what they won't tell.
Shouts and calls show a deeper meaning behind.
Listen closely, you might hear the echo of the well.
Watch and learn, so you know how they unwind.
Careful, listen, listen to the ringing of the bell.
See the shells as they are refined.
You will likely be okay, too we say farewell.

-3nwlry

Death isn't sad, not scary.
God blessed people who die.
Earth is cruel and getting worse.
Dying isn't bad, not terrible.
If life is beautiful, why not death?
Giving life also gives death. So why is it so bad?
Being dead is peaceful from what I've heard.
But it's also lonely.
Death is beautiful, happy,
A time for celebration.
yes, they may be gone, but celebrate their life.
Don't mourn their death.
When I die, I wonder,
What will be the cause?
Disease, age, suicide?
I am not worried when I pass,
I don't fear the end.
The unknown will be discovered.
When I die, no one should mourn.
Have a party, not a funeral.
Have a celebration.
Wear white, and colors, not black.
I want my death to be beautiful.
When I say farewell,
I want to be remembered
With smiled on their faces
Not tears.

-3nwlry

I sit here waiting
For my parents to pick me up.
Thirty minutes late
Still, I wait.
Maybe I should walk
I think I know the way.
She said she'd be here.
That was thirty minutes ago.
Now that it's three forty.
I still wait patiently
On the wall.
Staying in the shade,
Writing poems
Of little importance.
I hear cars pass by,
I look up hopefully.
Not seeing the one I know.
My last thought for the poem:
At least I'm not alone.
Boys and girls waiting
For parents to pick up.
Quite very late.
Still, we wait
Some of them give up,
Some of them walk
Not having free parents.
They might be at work
They might be busy,
Either way
We wait for our parents.

-3nwlry

Ghosts and spirits everyday
Ghosts and spirits come to play
Ghosts and spirits come around
Ghosts and spirits seek me out
Haunting my mind with thoughts and words
Spoke have followed to join the game
Some are waiting for the day
If I listen very closely
I hear their plea
To be set free.
The ghosts and spirits of my mind
Have joined with me
To combine.

-3nwlry

Every word in the world
Has been said before
No one can be original.
Try to surprise me,
I've heard it all before.
Everyone has, it's no secret.
I wonder if I could say something
That would make them listen to me.
The storm in this house
never shows it's rainbow.
The thunder is impossible to hide from.
I try and stay in my room
to escape the lightning.
But eventually it finds me anyway.
The stories that hide under covers
Folded into minds of those who toss and turn.
haven't truly been caught
they slip and slide when you try to write them down.
If only there was something
to help me put into words
but the words have all been used.
The sentences I speak are borrowed.
These thoughts I have are worn.
There is nothing in the world,
to describe this thought I hold.
We say it is impossible
to understand somebody's mind.
But we say we get it.
We don't want to hear the other.
Because we've heard it all before.

-3nwlry

"If all of us met in real life,
and some one was being picked on or hurt,
We would come at the enemy
with the fury of countless words
and millions of suppressed feelings."
Right after I said this, Right after I smiled
(For the first time in a while)
Right after I let go of the hurt I felt.
My father yelled
And blamed me for what I didn't do.
Now I feel them all again
The hurt, mistrust and panic.
My hands are shaky, palms are sweaty
I feel like puking, or possibly crying,
My heart is racing, blood is running
Head is spinning
Feet feel like darting far away from him.
My mind can't help wondering
If what I said was true.

-3nwlry

I have a little poem book
I carry it where ever I go.
I don't let anybody look,
In case they think I'm low.

Most poems are feeling depressed,
A lot of them sound sad.
People think that I'm repressed.
People think I'm always mad.

I have a book of poems,
That tells of all my years.
It's like my little museum.
It shows all my tears.

Can you see them glisten?
I just want people to listen.

-3nwlry

You are sad. So am I
When you are happy, as am I
You like me?
I guess I like you..
You stopped liking me.
Great! I didn't like you.
Somebody's lonely. Cause I feel it too.
Someone is scared, I am too.
They are shy, as am I
I feel their pain.
That boy is frustrated, I am too.
I see the way she looks at you.
I feel her love in my heart.
I don't want to. I just do.
I wish I wasn't like this.
I want my own emotions.
It's never normal,I feel what they do.
Being empathic *****.
I don't wanna be anymore.
I wish I had my own emotions.
But I never have
Now I think and realize
It doesn't matter.
I can have both.
Mine and theirs.
Theirs and mine.
I can feel like me.
I can feel like them.
I am who I am.
It's kinda like a superpower.

-3nwlry