I pine away
for the sun of a distant sky
a star I barely know
yet the drums beats wildly

eyes sees a lush forest
when there is barely any saplings
a land of withering flowers

forget-me-not,
a bitter smile on a tired face
who nursed a little heart back
from a broken heart

yet the little heart still
seized a glimmer of chance, humming
unable to stop hoping and wanting
even when the minds balked and balked
for it knows to pine for the sun is to fall

there is a reason
why human does not have wings

yet the little heart keeps trying to fly,
foolish and desperate in its loneliness
pumping it self until it burst
gone was the mind, but hope scorches

I pine away and
I perished

Confidence says,
"Please tell me how to stop being an abstract thought, hiding in the corner of your mind. Cause I want to be real and fight beside you."

my heart soars
everytime i hear your steps
fluttering weakly as you walk closer
and closer and closer
it dies as a meek little thing
as you passes me to another flower

No, I do not want to be your yes.
Nor I want to be your no no no.
None of the no. None of it.
None of your yeses going to change my no's
I told you no not yes.
You know no does not equal to yes.
If that happen then I would still never say yes.
No, I told you how many times no yes.

Yes, no.

i wanted to
own happiness
keep it close to
my heart, and
never let go

not realizing that
you can never be
happy all the times
because

happiness is itself,
free

i can't sleep
my head's too loud to be ignored
my heart too heavy
my voice to small to be heard
over fresh new screams coming from
behind the doors of fake heaven

Careless nights, high on caffeine
head filled with cotton and yet
waterfall streams true
the truth is on the horizon, it whispers
yet like the apple dangling on a tree
so close but out of reach
a boat made of pillows
tooth and nails shape this body

smoke bombs
vivid colors, fumes that clog your throat
how humane it is to sacrifice yourself
just to see a hint of beauty in our life
we cough and we cough and we cough
until we spat blood out on our hand
brimming with the potency of sheer
stubborn humanity of wanting to live
in paradise of beautiful things on earth.

the town is crumbling
                        the bell is tolling
                        the dead ones are rolling

and we're still sinning
        while the whole world is burning

brimstone and fire
ready to engulf anyone
to burn or be burned
Shield that destroys

love, had made me
a weapon of
destruction

righteousness coursing
in my vein as the
ground burns where ever
i walked

love had turned me
into a monster

yet
in the blood
splattered mirror
i only see

a fool

words are often
hard to reach
says too much
but not enough

carry tsunamis
between
each syllables
yet

too often,
we play water guns

tonight we sip our sorrow, bitter
to the point of sweetness
nursing bruised lips, bruised heart--
painful in the way that it burns you
alive,

swaying in our stool,
teetering to the edges and wonder
what it's like to fall, to fall and never
come back,

they ask if we are only halves, only
broken pieces glued into hollowed
body,

but to feel is to exists, and
we're too sad to be anything
other than
whole.

By Nabs

XII. December
    A woman was humming a winter hymn.
She wore a thick Russian cloak, and her fingers were tapping the stained glass. Snowflakes framed her eye lashes. Vicious wind were hitting her old bones, weariness settled deep in her chest.

She had been away far too long.

Looking at a window, she saw her reflection.
Her eyes were sharp cold blue, but it was sunken and there were frozen tear tracks on her cheek.

Her fingers were gnarled, and wrinkles marred her face. Her used to be golden hair, was as white as snow.
She barely remember the days now.

A baby wail could be heard coming from a house, lit with thousand warm candles.

Looking up, she realized that she's a grandmother now.

XI. November
  The man pulled out his cigarettes, his riffle by his side. Sitting in front of his porch, with a glass of scotch, remembering the horrid symphony of gun shots. His shoulder was aching.
He had been a soldier, he had been at war, and now he was in his house.

But he was still lost in the desert.

He gripped his glass tighter as the deaths that he had caused flashes before his eyes.
He felt cold at the knowledge that settled in the pit of his heart.

He was not a war hero, he was a murderer.

The glass shattered.

X. October
  The wind blew her bright hair. It was similar to the color of autumn leaves and burning fire. She was wearing a scarf the color of lion, Lilies crowning her head.

She was holding up a shield.

A feeling of warmth, like one would get after drinking warm chocolate, washed over her. Her bright green eyes was filled with fondness at the sight of her stag cooing over her baby.

Ravens were cawing over her head, an omen.
Her face was grim, she knows they're not going to last any longer.

Death was arriving.

IX. September
    A bright yellow dot could be seen moving in the forest. It was a boy who was wearing a rain coat.

He was running around, playing by him self.
Diving into a pile of leaves, jumping over tangled roots, climbing trees, and picking apples.

He didn't tell his mother where he had gone.

The sound of trickling water lulled the freckled covered boy away. He stood in front of an old abandoned house. The smell of ginger bread was wafting through the air.

He ignored the hanging body on the tree, and put on the fallen hat.

For the first time, he felt he was home.

VIII. August
    He was named after the emperor. The one history called a legend. His parent had hoped that he could escape the chain of slavery that had shackled their family for generations.
He wondered sometimes if he skinned his skin, would he stop being a slave?

After all he would be pink instead of brown.

They branded him like a cattle. Passing him down from one master to another. Calling him pretty for his species. The marks always burns when he felt like his dignity was stomped on as if it didn't matter.

He knows it didn't matter to them.

The day he broke the chain, the grass turned red instead of withering

VII. July & VI. June
    They were born from the same chrysalis. Spun from silk and privilege. Yet one got tossed away and the other were put in a gilded cage.
Separated.

The boy with corn silk hair and gleaming pearly wings was staring out of his room. He was locked with gold in his little cupboard. Only to be let out when they needed to show him off.

He stared down waiting for his shadows.

The girl with iridescent eyes and tattered black wings had lived in the ruins all her life. Her small frame was littered with cuts and the harshness of life.
But she stood strong, her back unbending.

She stared up at her light, and asked for his hand.

Fate decrees that neither could fly, with out the other.

V. May
    The market was bustling with people. A middle aged woman stood in her stall, selling vegetables and fruits. Her nephew was bringing her baskets full of wild berries for jam. He was 6 years old with a gap toothed grin and untamable hair.

His eyes were electric yellow.

The woman stared at the boy sadly. Remembering that day on the moor when wolves slaughtered her sister's family.
She thanked him and ruffled his hair. The boy gave her an abashed smile.
She noticed a man with a nasty smile, shooting her nephew a predatory look. The man approached her stall, asking to buy apples while looking at her nephew ravenously as if he was hungry for him.

She understood what she have to do.

She put on her sweetest charm and gave him an apple for free. The man nodded, appreciating the offer. Said his thanks and went back to the shadows.

The man didn't notice that the apple he had just bitten were kissed by Belladonna.

VI. April
  A mute girl was sitting in the palace garden. She braided flowers into her hair, adding pale green ribbon with a flourish. She wore a white dress with lace on it's border. She looked like a sacrificial lamb.

A knife was lying on the floor, she had just cut her hair short.

As she keep braiding, she dreamt of home.
Of the deep blue water, gentle waves lapping at her body, sea shells that she liked to collect, pearls braided in her hair, about exploring the oceans with her sisters.

She could barely move her legs, now.

She realized, belatedly, that maybe the price was too heavy.

III. March
    The marching band passed the town that day. Trumpet, drums, cymbals, and xylophones were shouting in harmonies. A marvelous fusion of sound, creating joy behind them.

A teenager, with curly hair and sun kissed skin, was staring at them in awe.

A violin was clutched on his hand, the last gift from his father. It was his first time seeing a marching band. He wonders if the delicate moan of his violin would complement them.

He knows that it won't, but it wouldn't stop him from wondering.

He was not his father.

II. February
  A family of three was preparing their dinner in the kitchen. It was the birthday of the son.

The mother was busy preparing the roast, cutting up vegetables and spicing the meat. The father was helping the mother preparing the roast, he was making the mashed potatoes. They were dancing around each other, as they navigate the kitchen.

Their son, who have a cherubic face, watched them with adoration.

One threw an onion at the other, the other caught it. Exchanging tools and spices with an easy glide. Kisses were traded, intricate steps were taken.
They both move with trust on their heel, and souls entwined.

Love was still in the air, even after all the storms.

Their son understood that no one can take the matching arrows embedded at his parents back.

After all, they stabbed it them self.

I. January
    A mother was lying on a hospital bed. Green buds were peeking out from the snow.
She had just given birth. Her breathing was labored as she struggles to breath. A frown appeared on her face when the nurse gave her a bundle to hold.

It was her baby girl.

The baby opened her eyes and let out a gurgling giggle. It was the most beautiful sound the mother had heard.
Big doe eyes, that resembled her mother's, watched as wet tears were falling from her mother's eyes.

The mother clutched her daughter tight against her chest.

Realization struck her like ligtning,
She knows that she couldn't give her baby away.

By Nabs

This cup of joe can **** you
Coffee beans with cyanid
Nights are wild and they are young
Black black with out sugar, please.

Sip those robust liquid
Like you would ask for forgiveness.

Scalding hot on your tongue,
Embers are dying in your eyes.

Take another cup, take another shot
Inject your self with self doubt
Remembering the pills wont help
Things are dying inside your head.

This cup of joe can **** you
Chocolate and overdose aftertaste
Close your eyes and breathe at last
No sugar, No. No hope.

Stir it a thousand times, counter clockwise
Taste different cause of
The anxiety staining your teeth
Pearly white no more.

Mint and a hint of insanity
Bruised lips, dead shot eyes.

Don't put the pills there, never ever there
Contaminate your self but not this cup.

Take sips, don't gulp
You gotta savor the flavor
Death on your tongue
Marvelous blend that ascend time.

This cup of joe will **** you
You order more and more
It taste bitterer than before
But the tears have never fallen to the floor.

You are a cavity
filled with whirlpools
a cancerous repetition of nebulas
pirouetting to a tone
you do not understand
any longer

there is no smile nor frown
only frozen veins,
traced to the point of
eternality,
fragile in its familiarity

tears do not have any place here
so you bleed it inside and
endure the frost bite

a never ending winter
who had forgotten its lover
shivering despite the
numbness
spreading like a forest fire

they say that there is no cold,
only the absence of
warmth

you went like rockets that day
up and up and up
until you drifted in outerspace
                                   waiting
          for a star to burst apart
dust by dust,
             light by light
oblivion by
             oblivion

                                  waiting,
             for them to unravel
             like you unr a v e  l  e   d


tracing the outer rim of your
asteroids, you
                               wandered
into every constellation in this
existence, take them by their hand
                    left them wanting and
scorched

craters littered your heart, filled
with asteroids belt
                 burying the starlight,
                 rings a shade of sorrow

you made your moon black, and
you said you deserved it

Once,
a little planet said to you
that you have supernovas
                              behind your
                                          eyes
only to see it die,
after

you told me,
          in between light years,
  that you are nothing but a comet
      dying at the heart with nothing
left to
lose


but you forgot, a comet is beautiful
                 because it falls while burning
                                  fighting to live, still
even when it knows it's
dying

By: Nabs

I want to love you like  I love the sun, thriving and burning. A burst of warmth, a need that if not fulfilled  would make me yearn and withering away, dying with out the sun rays. All consuming.

I want to love you like a flower. Slowly growing and blooming into something breath taking and then withers away.

I want to love you like how water is. Ever patient and slowly trickling, and then bursting with fervor. Leaving a changed landscape behind, a changed me.

I do love you.

I love you, I love you like my memories of my first laugh, like a color blind person seeing colors for the first time.  A burst of an unnamed wild thing that have never been experienced by the soul before.

I love you like how the snow thaw in the spring. Slowly  growing, peeking shyly from the snow. A patch of a grass. Growing until it withers away again as the snow descends. And endless cycle who will be broken with the end of time.

I love you, until I forget about who I am, until all I can see and feel is you. Until I am drowning and between the  gasps of my breath, lies prayers to you.

There is a flowing river inside of me. A flowing river of fire and warmth, who will burn and drown me at the same time. Leaving only ashes and the wisp of prayers. An empty cache of what used to be.

I love you.


I love you, until it intoxicate me, until I am gasping for breath every second. Until my head grows blank and as every second passes in this infinite yet ephemeral time,  a glimmer of realization pass through me, like sand in the sahara desert. Scorching and yet softened by wind.  

Darling, I love you like we were not meant to be.

By: Nabs

In this long and dreary day
As I walked down the park, I long for the taste of peace
For It have not grace me with its caress in such a long time that I remember it in fondness
Leaving me feeling quite restless

I miss the caress of soft lips, mumbling words
Sweet sweet words that is like a blade to my heart
I miss the burn of passion, that leave me breathless, head held high
Marching with purpose in this world
I miss the laughter that would accompany me with every step I took

I wish time could be turned back like the black sand in the hourglass mother love so much

I saw a man sitting down on the bench
His hair unkept, his eyes were shadowed
Wearing a fancy tailored suit
It looks surreal to say, someone who one would expect to look regal in the air of wealth, could look so small
Swallowed by the suit that he was wearing as if it was his life line

He was shivering, despite having a warm suit cloak that was draped on his shoulder
Maybe its the grief that was leeching his warmth

He took out a silver flask, holding it carefully with trembling hands as if it was the most precious thing
He turned the cork slowly, as if dreading it
Tipping his head back, pouring gold down his throat with the fervor of a man addicted
Spilling some on his fancy suit, uncaring

They say it's liquid courage, but why as he take each gulp of the golden liquid he looks more and more like a person who is cowering?
A person who had been defeated

He looks lonely and at that moment, as selfish as this sounds, I feel the camaraderie between us
A bond shared by someone who knows how to long for something and yet being denied
Either by someone else or them self

I shook off the feeling, He reminder me too much of my father, and continue to walk

The destination that I had in mind was the old part of the park
The one that people abandon in favor of the newer one
Where the wild flowers and moss over took everything, making it their own personal kingdom
Where the trees are lush and the air feel gentle

When I reached there, I sat under the old apple tree
The roots are a mess of intricate knots, weaving into the earth, creating a the pattern that show the cycle of life
The branches are laden with over ripe red apples and the sweet smell of childhood, of running through my grandparents house pockets full of berries and wild apples
I am reminded of the time that home was available

The rustle of leaf have lull men and woman alike to oblivion

Thinking of lost time, of gleeful laughter across the grassland of change and puberty
Running around trying to catch moments and memories, trying to bottle it down
Making ambrosia from the ones that define happiness, taking and taking from the well of our soul
Forgetting that sometimes the well could dry, could grow musty and moldy, could cave in and turning the once full well into a gaping hole, a depression so they say

Depressions feels like a blanket of warmth in my hollow life these days

I notice a little girl was gathering the fallen leaves, not far from me
She was making in into a leaf crown, befitting even for a king
She was barefooted, hair the shade of flame with freckles adorned her face like constellations
She was humming a note that seems to tell a story of promises and better future

I looked at her, I saw dreams and my little sister
From the white satin dress, like the one mother used to made me and her wear when the first sign of spring was showing, to her gaped smile
I feel like I am seeing picture from a long time ago that I had forgotten I ever had
A picture that I used to hate but now come to realize I am fond off

I could feel my heart aching

I was cut off from my musing when A long and tall dark shadow suddenly befell her
A man cloaked by midnight stood behind her, with ink stained face, wild hair, and eyes as dark as the abyss
He reminded me of the man that took my little sister away
The air seemed to tense and still, as if holding their breath for the anticipation

Yet when she noticed the man she let out a smile as bright as a thousand sun, burning, in it sincereness
The world seems to let out a relieved sigh as she tiptoed to put the leaf crown on top of the man head
The man gaze seems to tender, then he cradled her in his arm

They both were so different
He was midnight, while the she was sunshine
He was cold, she was warmth
He was sins, she was virtues

And yet they looked at each other with gaze filled with tenderness and fondness

The yearning that hit me leave me dizzy
Envy wedged it self into my heart, for I wanted that bond that tied them both so much that my hands were trembling
I fill sick with want

I almost reached out

Shame filled me, so I ran away like I always do
Biting back the sob that threaten to spill, I ran away to the fountain

It's an old fountain that been there even when the years had not existed yet
It withstood history, though not without consequences
The water is still crystal clear even after centuries of people throwing coins there
Confessing their sins as the coins slowly sink while the ancient koi fish are dancing around lazily

I traced the fountain delicate rims, watching the the water ripples as rain started to drenched the earth
The smell of petrichor hit my senses, it smelled like musk and the sky longing to kiss the earth
I realized that all along I had hate rain because it would engulf me in melancholy so that I forget the blood that stained my lips


I saw butterflies fluttering by, daintily flying, making patterns in the sky
A storm of colors that left me with out my breath
Gentle yet unforgiving in its wake
Like my mother gentle reprimand, my sister promises, my father wine bottle shattering, and my brothers death


I wonder, as the rain turn to storm, how long had i been gone from home?

put your mask on, let's play pretend.
no smiles--no language.
only the glide of our hand, trembling--
like the way your mother body shakes when
you have been gone away too long from home.
whispers are allowed, but only secrets and morse
and the sweet after taste that you always tried to chase.
let us disappear into this play, immerse and submerge--titanic hitting an iceberg and sinking.
unstoppable, unredeemable. a tragedy.
but you and your soft lips and the slight rasp in your voice, the misery and the life and everything in between, made a storm that saves life.
so the theater applauds at the happy ending, love that saves the day.
completely ignoring, that the day only wants to end.

Cobwebs and dews
The creak of the white fences
Of ruins long forgotten
Of places names unknown

This is the road for the wanderers
For the wanderers to be lost
For the lost to be forgotten
For the forgotten to be unknown

To pick up this dream means to forfeit
But never fear
Monsters are long gone from here
In this ruins of unmarked

The road is long
Twist and turns, may it bound your bones
Creaks run rampant, wild wild things
To rest means to drown

A man will ask,
For your most important woes
The price of the answer
Will lead you through

Do not fear, this ancient times will unwound
Pebbles made from time
A maiden left untouched
To tempt those whose uncouth

Justice, in this domain
Is straight as the lining,
Between the sky and the earth
And it will never be bent
For it is silver and they stay through

Thunders rumbling,
Will be your company
For the wind,
They'll be your enemy

Red poppies,
Grow as every step you took
Wishing you luck
For those who sleep in this road
will never wake up

Do be weary,
For sure the road will let you astray
Cause taking straight lines
Will lead you to not be found

This will be an asylum
For those who embraces
Let joy overwhelm
To let euphoria posses

There is a price
For utter abandonment
Balance needed to be strike
Their names will never appear in reality

But do not fret,
Crystal and porcelain epiphanies
Littered this road,
Glimmering ephemerally

One of them,
Will lead you to the end of the road
For that is the only way to go back

****** knees, dark circles
wearing insecurities like its the new trend
baring your heart to the world
presenting it, thinking it'll hurt less
if you volunteer

but bile still creeps up your throat
as each stab of society knife plunges
into your head quarters
bypassing every defense you have
leaving shattered denials and false truths

you recite your gospels, your mantra
everynight you went down on your knees
you prayed and you prayed
until there is nothing but obliteration of
one sense of humanity

spider thread, you grasp them
and you hung from the ceiling
with all your dreams and silence
watching you as a spectator
as you spilled your gut
voice dead inside

crumbling like sandcastle
washed away by the wind
kissing names goodbye
freedom in letting go
blessing ourself with
half forgotten mirages
fantasy of being right
cheeks red from the
slap we give ourself
reality check we call it
abusing one self some call it
blowing raspberries
in field of thorns
hate the sin
love the sinner

They say,
"Your body is a temple."
Does that mean
I need to purge
my self out of it?

bells and wheatgrass on your hair
the way your wrist deflect
every hand shake coming your way
a smile that was never quite there
twitching between beaming
and solid wall

sand colored ribbon tied to your thumb
how you carve every word
from the dictionaries into the walls of your mind
making sure you always have a weapon
in your artilleries to shield you
from humanity and their helplessness

foggy glasses and dew stained mouth
every time you breathe out
there's pain lacing every
carbon dioxide exhalation
there's also release in the way
you take pleasure in knowing
you have less and lesser time existing

lime sneakers and muddy jeans
you keep telling your self that
the voices inside your head
will never be more than that
until the day the pungent smell
of guts dying sears them self
into your head space and lungs

streaks of paint on your neck
the taboo's you want to feel
gliding against your nerves
grating them until you stop feeling
empty between your ribcage
filling you so full of void,
you want to rip it open

red stripes on your back
you look at the broken mirror
in the failure you call a heart
how it still pumps and pumps
no matter how many times
you wished it stopped

meteors lining your veins
at night you close your eyes
and let the ocean crashes against your walls
tasting how salty the water is agains your tongue
thinking how sad it is
to love something that have life as their grave.

Cross your fingers
close your eyes
inhale the coldness
of the warmth that used to be
burning you as you
merge and fuse with the ice
of the arctic sky
while constellation hanging
a noose, a thin thing,
made just for us

You gave me roses
That grew in my heart

                    Never told me
   That their thorns
   Going to pierce my lungs

  Making it harder to breath
           When you're around

she cries
as they paint her
with blood from sacrifices

womb numb from
too much swords
unwanted,
yet bestowed
as if it is
a gift

her hand was shackled
to a pedestal
wreathed with flowers
back arched in
pain

they watched
as the earth stifled
her cries

bowing down
when she was
buried in the ground

Some times,
in this cage i called my mind,
i found my self staring at the horizon, reminiscing memories.

Some times,
i found my self wondering about what if's
and that just made the ache in my heart stronger, made the cage seem much closer.

Missing something that could be, like a phantom limb.

Maybe we're all happy in another universe.

And maybe,
Just maybe we're all free to be true to ourselves.

By nabs

I think maybe
you're over reacting
a lil bit

Too much electron,
not enough protons
You need to stabilize

Playing overlord
is so fun when
Everyone pretend
not to see
that power
can be mercury to
someone's mind

There's no nuclear
in your veins
I assure you
I'm already a radioactive zone

no matter
how many radium
goodbye's you spew,
you can't convince me
to give you my francium

Oh, really
don't try to
blow it up
you really don't
got the talents for that

Just stop trying to be
what you're not
meant to be
Only carbons can
be diamonds

By Nabs

Have you ever heard
the sound of the wind dying?

It sounds a lot like your hoarse crying.

Broken moons, stifled sobs
smell of cardamom and pain.
Angry strokes, lightning brush
across this singed canvas.

Paint me with a storm.
Paint me with a storm.

Guttural rumble of disagreement,
muted in its pallor.
Second hand embarrassment
is lethal to the skin.

Broken bottles, broken souls
stuck in a machination of malfunctioning systems.
we never had control in the first place.

We put energies in our sorrows,
forgetting to store them for our backbone.
No wonder we can't stand straight
and look up to the sun.

"Amnesia", we would plead.
Cause all we remember is how to bleed.

Have you ever heard
the sound of the wind dying?

It sounds a lot like the day we went crashing.

By : Nabs

I was running away looking for a solace
When we collided
As though two meteors, out of their orbit
Crashes together creating a loud bang

Creating galaxies in our wake

You lit me up like a spark
Like I was firecrackers
And it would be to your delight
To see me explode in the night

We often clash and crash
As often as the wave crashes to the shore
But somehow i do not mind
You always soothe me at the end, after all

"An anchor", you confessed to me one day
To the silent question hovering between us
About what we are to each other
I almost replied that you were mine too

We are an anchor to each other
So this bruised ship of ours
Can still land on the shore
To be able to come back, even if only to each other

To not be lost they said
But I found that we are still lost
Lost in each other orbit
In each other oceans

I found, sometimes that i do not mind

We have faith in different things
A set of beliefs
But then again
Our foundation are made from the meshing off our jagged ends

A beautiful mosaics of broken pieces of two souls trying to balance each other

We are sowing seeds
While people slapping labels
Foolish and wrong
As if what we had is something for their consumption

It is supposed to be a glorious thing
Growing something
To see it bloom into something marvelous
Maybe thinking that the pest will always be pest is what doomed us after all

We tried to nurture it
To care for it
To prune it
But at the end it still withers in our hand

But not because of the lack of trying
Never because the lack of trying
You and me
we were cursed

With head as hard as rocks
Walls as high as the mountains
Heart broken in so many place
Trying to keep our heads high in this sinking ship of ours

It was a wonder we managed to collide in the first place

We bound ourself to each other
Maybe that was
What made us broke apart in the end
We never like to be tied down

But even though all things have to end
I am foolish enough to admit
That I, in my deepest heart
Wish for this to last

But alas, a wish is called a wish
Because it is something not to be true

I would like for us to keep colliding
To keep crashing through each other orbit
As if we are made to clash with each other
To keep pulling and pushing

Pulling and pushing

We're collateral damage
You and I
We know it deep into our bones
A myriad of explosions waiting to make another galaxies, another constallations

But fear always make the heart goes weary

I do not want it, this feeling
It came in sneaking
Like it knows it should not have been able to be in
But there is cracks in this fortress of mine

You tried to helped me
You tried so hard to help me
But there is pride in my soul
And my contempt grew out of the adoration that is slowly being corrupted away

I adore you
But I never could say it
There is always tension clogging between us
Maybe that is why we always bring knives

You know me
You know me better than I know my self
I know the taste of fear
It is a bitter pill that I keep swallowing everyday

The pill taste a bit sweeter around you

You made me fond of you
I never expected that
You become my solace
And yet i am too used to running

Maybe my save haven could only be found if i keep running

I keep building my walls up
There is a knocking sound
Persistent
But nothing can not be wore down by time

Even asteroids become corroded by time

Even stars will be killed by time

You and me?
We're a fool if we think we could have fought against time

There was one time when you told me
That I made you feel alive

You make me feel alive too,

So alive that i feel like every single nerve inside of me will burst just by looking at you

We were a two matches
Lighting each other up
Just to see it burns out
With all that was left were only ashes

How do one stop building walls?
How do one stop from falling?
How do you stop the barrage of feelings?

How do you stop from dying?

There is always a knife between us
Where we are tied with red strings
Perhaps it is red because it is a warning
A warning made by blood

Perhaps

Maybe

I woke up with bloods on my hand
We passed each other today
There's a different sort of magnetic field resonating around us
More chaotic yet more distant, more repelling
I swallow another bitter pill, keeping my heads up

Is this what love feels like?

Maybe
It is better like this
With bitter pills in my hands
To keep me from remembering

How you and I were made for destructions

there is a prayer
in saying
nothing

but true salvation
lies in letting your
opinion
color the world

make me a wish
snowflakes in the dark,
the tangle of our body heat
warmth that is never there

war was painted on your face
tasting like your father whiskey bottle
broken and nothing
everything

push and pull,
the tides that swallows
your screams and your prayers
bend me down, you whispered

but the shore have drowned a long time ago

vanishing smile that cries
like your cracked mother's china
begging and begging and begging
nothing

(everything)

you told me that love is dark
let the candles melt and
wax burned our tounge
hell hath no fury for lovers scorned

spilled wine on the table cloth,
nothing and everything will fix us
like a nice cold champange made of
confessions of our
sins

as i passes the streets
i see things getting rebuild
or a fave shop getting deconstructed
or old abandoned building turned into houses
it put me back to perspective
how fast time flies from our fingertips
it's like a fast forward button
you know it's there but you're oblivious to it
not knowing how fast you jump forward
always wanting for it to be over
to go to a period where you'll feel happier
forgetting to savor the feeling of just being alive
rushing through life like it's a chore
then reminders like this slaps you on the face
how much time have we spent
on wishing for better times, and never realizing that as each 'tick tock' of the clock means
more time have slip between your fingers
you can never hold on to time
they're like birds unseen in the horizon
but reminder like this remind us
we never really know how
precious time is until it ran out.

Sometimes I think
I saw him in my dreams
But I cannot seem to recall his face
He's been lost to me, ever since

Run, even when
the jeers are too loud
your legs feels like they will
fall off, and pain stabbing with
every footsteps that land on the ground.

Keep going, leave marks
unseen or careless
you are the one who will bite
your own fruit of labour.

(don't think about the flavor. if it tasted too much like your blood, swallow)

the dogs, rabid and feral
they will chase you
but they will cower when you show them
your gleaming teeth
all animals know to fear beasts,
especially the caged ones.

Let the wind, shake you up
bring a noose made of what ifs
and the trials that you endures
undulating coils filled with every
rejection that sneak itself into your ribs.

There are cracks on your sole,
some runs through your back
dividing your temple and circling your neck
bending down to your lips, dangles like
the consequences of reality
oozing colors but never spirit.

Run, keep running
until you burn up,
burned up and there is
nothing left but footmarks
on hard stone.

(Water is patience that you drink, but Fire is what we all breathe)

How to get used to loneliness:

You don't.

the bright colored sand
seems like delusion to me
shooting pebbles like it was nuts
like human does not bleed

fire that went out
thunders that went in
more so, more so, more so.
the chanting that never ends

on and on again
until the land is carved to the sky

tightrope walking on
litanies of monsoon
                      misplaced
yet, eluded by routines
in this like minded minds

too many
sugar spoon fed
                    blame and
depreciation in a
positive
      view of the world

too many
jaded mouths echoing the
same values that was ripped
          right from the spine of
                          human kind
beginnings

these days
youth means being
                unheard
unnoticed
only riots of sounds
that is deemed too
                foolish to
amount to anything
a neon sign of all the things
that would rather be
                              denied

leave me be, drifting towards
the pool, in which life
never start. never stops.

there is cigarettes burns
littering your cheeks,
and acid on your teeth
but you aren't a lifeguard
so don't drown.

I sing you a farewell and
a choir of rambling noises
maybe this will be what you
understand.

incoherent strings of letters
made into inconsistent words
left miracles in its bareness
there is no left overs, aching.

we aren't lovers,
don't simplify what we have
too much of that, repeating
will make any bond curdle

you and i,
were a myth, a legend
but all stories must end
and with a lingering glance
it burst into
nothing.

By Nabs

The well of words
Deep down in this breathing heart
Are drying and cracking before they reach,
This sinning fingertips.

These words
Taste dry, musty. Parching throats.
Crackled in the air
Louder than thunder and your screams.

As the spinning wheel
Stop.
Stopping forever.
Stop. Pricking blood from your vessel.

Embroideries, tapestries
weaved from the threads of life.
Unbound, unraveled
Marveled in the way they are being broken down.

Set fire to us,
And you'll see.
How prettily we all would burn
Inside this tomb, we called home.

She's the girl that'll give you cavity.
Dusted with soft white sugar.
Hair fluffly like cotton candy.
Skin as brown as caramels.
Lies as sweet as
the dimples when she smiles.

Dust.
    Dusk.
        Duck.
                            Your allergies, your tragedies.
                  Your lies, your trials, your smiles.
        Your wariness, sweetness, bitterness.
Hidden, always hidden.
In plain sight you left your traces.
    Constellations of footprints, paper pieces.
    A beating heart, that beats not for it host.
                            Thumping, crashing.
Silver scar, hunting knife.
Apollo and Artemis blessing.
            
              The pattern of your orbits.
                                                Pleasure.
Closure.
                          Erasure.
Deleted, that's what they said.
Said, said, says.
Liar, liar, pant's on fire.
    Denial runs deep, drowning
                  Always forever drowning.
Tracing your existence, as it blinks out.

You left, with unfinished business.
                              They scattered, the remains
                              Of the ashes of your
            Photograph.
A dent in my soul,
                                            A trench in my heart.
Beating in agony over the ripped part.

      A tome that will self destruct.
              
                          A tomb for you and your memoir.

this frail body is black and blue
soft hands turned callouses
no longer rosy nor inexperienced

i no longer have them,
the thing you seek
a barren waste land with out fruit to grow
your seeds cannot grow here anymore

they said icarus loved the sun too much
that death was bound to give him a kiss
on his peeling back, the one where
flesh and waxes intertwined

i do not understand why
everything still trembles when you knock
but i have learned how to handle earthquakes
and you aren't as encompassing as you thought you were

there's a little girl that drowned, some years ago
fighting tooth and nail until she grew too tired
so she sunk and everything filled her
and she disappear between the lines

i do not resent you
we are not meant to be in a way
this were destined to just be

but i do not have what you seek for
and the walls have been carved
with exorcism rites, by the little
girl with chipped nails and bloated fingers

bitterness is a taste i am customed with
ever since that moonless night
but to let it poison such things as a smile
is a blashpemy to life it self

i have learned honesty,
behind words and the masks
the you left behind in those old suitcases
from your family

this frail body is tired and weary
in need of an over long due sleep
so sing me a lullaby,
about the kindness of cruelty

By: Nabs

A crystal clear laugh can be heard
Coming out from your lips
The fluttering of your eyelashes
Remind me of butterfly wings

You often speak quietly
Not out of shyness
But because you don't feel the need
To shout out your existence

The heaving of your chest
As you take each breath in and out
Made me remember the time
When you tried to choke it all down

Sometimes I see the spidery veins in your hands
And I think about lacing our hands together
How imperfect you are
And how the blood stains will always stays

We cried together, once upon a dream
I wipe your tears and you wiped mine
What comes off was a different thing
Yours were pain and mine was loneliness

Sometimes I wish I could trace your tear tracks
You never bother to hide them
You were never afraid to show it to the world
Maybe that is why they decided to burn you down

When I lay down, closing my eyes
And sleep under the willow tree
Often I see you hanging
Shards of crystals protruding from your back

Watching as the blood,
Drips down from your body
Pooling on the ground, turning the grass red Like the poppies you love so much

You often ask what love is
I would choke at that
And my answer would be lodged in my throat
Couldn't come out

Couldn't
Wouldn't
Such a paper thin difference

So I would reply with nonsense,
"Dude, why the heck would you ask me that? You're definitely asking the wrong person."
You would laugh at that
A loud free laugh as if it was wrenched out of you
And I saw you shatter more

There is one night
Where you sneak into my private corner
Where you smile mischievously
You left with a gift of awareness of your presence

You often fell asleep in the middle of a sentence
It was funny at first
And I would laugh
I could not find any humor after the tenth time it happen

Destruction often follow your footsteps
You would claim you do not intend it
I would pretend to not see
That you left wounds because you are wounded

"I'm happy", you abruptly claimed one day
You were lying through your teeth
But I could see that the cracks are getting wider
"I'm happy too", I said.

We laughed at how foolish we are

Sometimes time with you passes
Like sands through my finger
It is as if we have a hourglass
For our time together

I feel unsettled by that

We were pretentious
You and I
You would grin your **** eating grin
And offered me a high five

How could you be so perfect
With all the imperfectness you have
I never believed the word perfect
Until you with all your cracks, stood in all your glory

"I am drowning", you confesses to me one day
"In what?", I would ask
That night were a pitch black night
But I could feel your eyes boring into me

Later on, I would say that I am drowning too
You look at me startled, eyes glowing
Then you lace our hands
And letting the wind kiss your lips

I love you
But that is not and will not be
The words that will come forth from our lips
We know each other too well for that

There is a festival going on in the town
They're burning marshmellow in the bonfire
"And a body too," the wind whispered

You came to me that night with your edges melting and the thick smell of smoke

You said you're ashes now and you complement me

I wish I could hug you
That night when you're covered with ashes
But I did not allow my self
Because I, myself are dusted with glass

So we laced our hands together
Despite the blood and grime
Pain and Loneliness
What a beautifully wretched pair

Once we cried together
Wreathed by the ray of sunlight
Too bright for us to withstand
So we wipe each other tears

"Together", we said to each other
Tangling and knotting our hands together
Kissing each other temples while blood drips down
Falling together from the sky

I know you're bad for me,
but I'm addicted to you.
Cause you're my toxic anti depressant,
Couldn't do a **** thing but swallow.

Baby, your sugar coated lies rots my insides.

Talk to me only when you need me
c'mon use me as a waste bag
I'll listen to your words and fold it in my cards
try to use me to cure your self
I'm a one use injection, a temporary amusement
It's alright, i'm not mad
after all i'm only some medication
near their expiration dates
throw me away after you used all the pills
I'll paste a smiley sticker on my face
kindness is a thing you take for granted
overdosing does apply to you
even if you think you'll be the exception
leave me laying on the cold ground
getting touched by thousand hands
won't make a big deal of it anyway
If it hurt me, you don't really care

after all aren't I just a hole for you to shove all your things into?

I'm tired of being miserable
all frowns and slumped shoulders
rain clouds and negative comments
envy that rest heavily in the gut

I'm tired of being sad
where everything feels muddy and sluggish
minds thinking that colors hate us
a wet heart and a wet face in the middle of the night

I'm tired of being weary
to the smile that strangers gave
every intentions on someone eyes
how love you's are mostly lies

I'm tired of thinking that i don't deserve happiness
because the truth is?

we all do.

By Nabs

07.00 AM :
I rubbed my eyes, blearily heading to the bathroom. Nightmare haunting my steps, as if it doesn't want to let me go.

Waking up was less dreadful than getting ready.

07.03 AM :
Turning the water knobs, was like an exorcism.
More aware, more awake, yet the blankness was still there. I wonder If today's the day.

The shower was cold as always.

I went out to fetch the towel, I never once looked at the mirror.

9.30 AM :
The first period was literature.
We're learning about the classic fairy tales. The teacher asked us for questions.

' Why does stories only tell about the fairest of them all?"

I managed to seal the questions back to where in belong.

9.55 AM :
The girl next to me received a crumpled paper ball.
She's very kind, and have the sweetest dimples.
As she reads, I can see her self esteem crumpling up, not unlike a paper ball.
I hugged her.
She asked, with hollowed voice, If I wanted to know what was written on it.

I shook my head, I already know what it is.
It's the same word, that still echoes in my world.

'FAT ***', was written on the paper.

12.30 PM :
Lunch was always a tiring affair.
Noisy chatters and baleful glare.
Distaste at how the line seems to never end.
Counting calories to pass the time.

Glancing at my wrist, deciding what food to eat based on the way my hands circle my wrist.

12. 34 PM :
Navigating cafeteria was even worse.
It's like avoiding the poisonous full course, that an assassin serve at you.
Bullying as a side dish, teenage drama as the main course, illusion of escape as the dessert.
The hustle and bustle of school life.

You are bound to accidentally consume that poisonous ****.

12.45 PM :
After I finished eating mashed potato and green beans, some hyenas approached me.
They clawed pleasantries and congratulated me.

"What for?"

"You are thin now! That's like so awesome! "

"But--"

"Also a friendly advice, I'd watch out for that mashed potatoes! Thinking about all that calories make me shudder!"

They walked away with a bounce on their feet, and howls so loud that all the others are staring at them curiously.
I am left bleeding out and nauseous at the encounter.

I clutched my stomach, feeling claustrophobic.

Desperately, trying to banish the thought of emptying my self.

12.59 PM :
The sound of flushing, hits my ear.
Shame crashed against me with doubled force.

I heave again. Body trembling.

The bell rang.

14.00 PM :
It's the last period for the day.
It was health class, and the teacher are telling us about the importance of food. That denying your self sustenance was equal to slowly killing yourself.
He looked at me, I pretend to not see.

Last week, a senior died of anorexia.
His body was too used of rejecting food that he couldn't accept their proposal again.
His stomach balked at the thought of getting back again.
He said goodbye to the world after 7 days of divorce.
The funeral was a messy affair.

I knew him.

15.00 PM :
I opened my locker,
Head spinning from all the people that approached me today.

They were people I barely know.
Congratulating me on losing my weight. Said I was prettier. Said I look good like this. Said I should keep being this way.
Asking me, what's the secret?

They all asked with a saccharine sweet smile on their face, as if it is a good thing.

As if being sick, is a success.

I wonder if they will still call me pretty when they see the bite marks on my knuckle.

15.20 PM :
On the way home I saw a burger joint,
my stomach was clawing for food but my mouth tasted like acid.

I wonder if drinking water will be enough to quench my hunger.

15.25 PM :
I passed a water puddle.

I saw a gaunt faced girl, with a pale complexion.
Her used to be lush hair turned lanky.
Her lips were literred with cuts and bite marks,  her eyes had faint purplish circle.
She looks so different from the person I used to know.

I continued my walk, trying to ignore the emptiness that had stayed in my bones.

16.30 PM :
My mother went into my room, when I was lying in my bed, counting my ribcage.
She looked at me, and a pained look crossed her face. I can see that she's holding back her tears.

She hugged me gently, as if afraid I will crumble with a touch.

I wanted to say that I wont turn into a wraith and vanish like my aunt, but I'm afraid it would be a lie.

"I'm getting better mom. Look here! I got more meat!," I said to my mom, hoping she believe the lie.

I know I'm turning fainter by the day.

She hugged me tighter, brushing my falling hair.

16.53 PM :
My mother left me her baked cookies, I nibbled on it. Wanting to stop being so starving. Ignoring the way my stomach want me to retch it.

I took another bite and count it as a success.

21.00 PM :
I stood in front of the mirror, that I had been avoiding for months, hoping to finally see my reflection.
Instead what I see was all the calories that I needed to burn,
The flaws that my body have,
And plans about not eating tomorrow.

I wonder if It's better to burn my self to ashes.

22.00 PM :
I went down stairs to grab some water.
I heard my mother crying to my father.
Said she's afraid I would vanish away from her.
Said she don't think she can take it any more.

Said she felt like she was cracking every time she sees me.

There were red gashes on her arm.

I swallowed the bile threatening to come out, ignoring how cold I feel despite the heaters on.

22.05 PM :
I smashed the mirror with my knuckle.
Rage and hopelessness was coursing my whole body. I let the tears and everything out.
The pain was sharp, and shards of glass were graced with my blood.

At that moment I saw my old self flashing in front of my eyes. So I kept punching the mirror until it is completely splintered. Shards of it was falling to the floor.

Satisfaction was addicting.

22.45 PM :
I went to sleep with gauze wrapped, still slightly bleeding, fist.
Blanket securely covering me, hoping the nightmares will not come today.

They did come, but they were nuzzling me.

07.00 AM :
I rubbed my eyes, blearily heading to the bathroom. My fist throbbed.

On the fractured mirror was written,

OUT OF ORDER:
This mirror is distorted by socially constructed
ideas of beauty.

Get a new one.

(P.S: You look fine as always)