I want to know why...

all I keep thinking about is how could you love me
so immensely;
so intensely;
so sensual;
so seductively;
so intimately,
and yet all we are is
friends!?

I want to know how can you touch me
to where my bones shake and my flesh craves you, so much so that I'd be happy to take ya last name!?

Why kiss me and put your soul into everything you do to me?

 Your spirits on a  rampage and it ran through my body like a tornado mixed with a rumbling lustful hurricane!!

My eyes watch you and what your administrations , they see every thing and my silly fickled heart lurches forth as you enter in and out of me - pounding rhythmically like African drums as you make me ******;.  


while you're kissing me; ******* me - touching my very essence with your  fingers amongst other things.

 while you're all over me and yet all we are is friends!?


More than friends with benefits and I never offered that - so how'd we end up thusly hmmmm!?

I never offered to be a FWD
Because I know my heart's  toooo precious and my body and souls toooo delicate to attempt it,

I'd be defeated before we ever got this close & this far
yet here we are
Just the two of us - me and you.

You said let's take our time and see where things go, but as it's going -
it's flowing in a different way  that I've not expected- obviously with me as ya sacrificial lamb; spread out on a mouth watering platter .

Funny thing is I'm saying NO as  I allow you to lead me down your rabbit hole;  flipping me upside down in 69 positions  and then some

My tantric- karama sutra king.

You're causing havoc on my heart and my mind
******
you're sexually destroying my inner peace because you've got me  "a'****'ed"
yes there's a compromise to be had cuz my addiction for you differs from being
A'DICKED!!! 

 I'll explain: my body wants you; my heart craves your inner beauty;  my Honeywell desire all that you give, but my mind&soul longs for a commitment!  
Can you understand & see there's a difference?

I'm speaking from my spirit.

You got me caught up, wrapped up in your swirling embrace.
You're suicide
and
heart break  
but
I can't get enough & won't let go.

The weight of your body's pressed against me - down on me as your muscles stand tight and taunt leavinf me breathless
And it feels so right like yo. you're home to me but we're just
friends!?

The ways  you say my name has me delirious  and giddy.
I light up at the sound - everytime you moan it out, shivers go through me.

Ugh see that right there - that smile, don't do it.

I watch  how you touch every part of me, from
licking my toes ,
to kissing my lips,
from ******* on my fingers,
to moving my hips,
from dipping in and out
and out and in.

That's that **** that has me trapped & tripping all over THIS
friendship & myself
and I never want it to end.

Mmman oh man you really don't know, you be making me lose control of my senses& my ******* mind!!!

Tell me how?

Tell me why!?

Why would you do this to me?

Why would you allow yourself to open yourself up as you do and be so vulnerable with me;

beautifully so, I'm sure you know the effects you have on me;
it sends me to my knees .

Babe you're my walking waking dreamlike fantasies!

I'm worried,
scared even to think of all the possibilities!

Yo you quench all my desires and solidified my dreams.
You've made almost everyone of them come true .

My cups spilling  to overflowing with your loving
Sadly not your
love

So
why you holding me so tight
so intimately and we're hugging and held up in ya house
like this!?
it's unrealistic
it'll turn explosive,
my worrying heart
says for me to stop
but
everything you do is effective & messy
yet fun which tells me maybe
I should run and never look back but didn't I tell you I'm addicted ("a'dicked").

Yo ya got that  charismatic persona,

ya shy-boyish smile drive me wild.

You're skillful I'll give you that, but why you play so hard to get when we already have what we have!?


You stroke the core of me to my spirit with your own,

As you lay deep inside me and love me down in every possible way;  you spoiled me and tamed me while letting me spoil you. Yet we're just friends huh.
So much so that ya ravish my body and you let me wreck havoc in your senses and drink in your essence.

You and I play &  tease, tasting one another but you refuse to open up to me.

I **** myself up every time you're near.
Playing this love making game with our wicked deed.  

Tell me why do you explore me like a new  toy with your mischief curiosity concurring me like a new undiscovered land
hmm & we're just friends huh!?

You have this ability to see right through me to see to the heart of me
the parts I hide and ya say I'm reserved meant only for a specific person must be you huh.

And yet you hold yourself aloft, ya hold yourself off; you keep yourself at a distant where I find myself trying to reel you in; ya not giving too much and I wonder why is that!?

How can I get around that wall,
how can I climb that fence,
how can I penetrate that space-  a place where few others have been!?

I find it funny- sadistically so, yet  I find it downright obnoxious and wicked- that you do this to me and I have no one else to blame but myself because I can say no at any time and yet when you look at me with those beautiful hazel eyes I get weak;

I melt for you & melt into You!

I fall for you and I stumble-somehow you always catch me!

ahhhhhh

All I can do is ask you why?

Why do you
do this to me!?

I'm trying so hard not to put my feelings into it; but every touch;  
every stroke;
every kiss;
every hug;
every bite and evey delicious pounding  
spins me right round back to you.

Ya massive member fills me up and I take it all even when I believe I cannot.

Look
look how good we fit
look how we mesh soul & flesh...

I can't help it- this friendship is more than I've expected.

It seems you got me- naw I got me loosing control.

*** I don't know what to think or how to feel.

**** I'm loosing it,
I'm totally confused- is this Love or is this lust!?

All I need to know is Why.

*Why me?

He promised*  to take me away to a place - where he could  *love me.

*Each time he touched me I believed in his words; in his world I felt safe

I was held in place with a promise ; with his touch.

His eyes witnessed the most vulnerable parts of me;
the me I hide from the world.

Why?

Why didn't he stop himself; why did he say the most ****** up **** to make me weak;

what's wrong with all this ;  what's wrong with me???

He doesn't forsake me.

Least not  in the middle of the night in those sweet moments.
He's stolen my mind;

it's filled with thoughts of him & images of us; us in the chair; us on the counter;

us up against the wall;

I'm delirious, my minds failing me just as my body betrayed me.

*With images of him - lifting me up; all the way up, my ; legs wrapped around his neck;

he stand there holding me as if I weight nothing - as he drinks his fill of my essence.

I moaned ;  he whisperers he loves me ,  he loves my body;  he tells me I'm  beautiful.

Why?

Why did he make this ugly...

His laugh resonates in my heart ; I hear it all the time ; he's not here though.

I don't know what to tell myself
and I know
now
*He was never here.

It's all just an illusion.

Because;

He promised*  
to take me away to a place- where he could
  love me.
( But I'm still here & he's not)

I smell him in my hair ;  
his scent
lingers on my skin ;  
on my sheets too.

The thought of us ;
our bodies

merged into one.

Reminiscing
leaves a
pleasing
ache
within me;
causing my body to crave
him all over again.

His scent

is everywhere in this room.

  Conjuring
images of our
love play.

My soul
needs him
here.

Even if it's
temporary;

I want to
and
need to
have more than just

his

scent!

You still come to me in my dreams ; Untitled ...

there's no name;  there isn't a face that I can grasp on...

you have these light colored eyes;
dark brown -blonde hair;  

Untitled...

I'm entitled to think of all the happy memories; to cherish every moment.
Why don't you have a name;
you don't have a face;

you're a multitude of different shades in these dreams ;  
having the one thing that stands out- is what you were to me;  a vague memory;  a soft kiss on my forehead;
a soft-touch caressing my back.

My secret - my dream come true;
I have no regrets!

I never even met you.
I'll dream again.

I do think of you foundly ;
A famous poet once said
"what's in a name"
I don't know;
so you'll continue to be
Untitled.

To any who'd reads,sees,watch,listen&run tell THIS: I'M at A Place IN MY LIFE WHERE I AIN'T CHANGING FOR U & NO one else. Ppl You don't change for anybody else and if you can't or WONT rock with how I am then don't ******* rock with me for anything else! Deal with me how I am not for what you "think& thought" you could change me into. I got kids grown *** and not so grown *** kids and grandkids babies, I got bills u don't pay & don't care nothing about.I got mental issues on top of some other ******* issues and some more ****; SO IF MY *** TRYING TO SHOW U IM A GO AND GROW WITH U & FIGHTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU & I'M IN THE TRENCHES WITH YOU, WHILE HELPING yo *** CULTIVATE THIS ****- WE CALL FRIENDSHIP ROMANTIC OR PLATONIC ETC- then yo *** better not ever a day in yo life use me or try to run game on me! I'm going to love you regardless if YOURE RIGHT OR WRONG. IM A TELL U WHEN YA WRONG & yo u better tell me { NOT IN PUBLIC} EVEN THEN I GOT U BOO, BUT IF U KEEP UP THAT ******* AND IT AFFECTS ME OR MY KIDS AND all of OUR WAY OF LIVING OR hinders me from"MAKING A LIVING"; I will definitely DISASSOCIATE MYSELF FROM YO LIFE 100 %. EVERYONE knows me knows; I DON'T DO DRUGS & don't go round no one WHO does, not judging & I don't think I'm better THAN anyone too flawed to even ever compete... MY ONLY SO CALLED HABIT IS CIGARETTES, OF WHICH I GOT THE PATCHES FOR & SOMETIMES I LIKE TO DRINK MY WINE & WATCH NETFLIX- CHILL WITH whomever, BUT MAINLY BY MY GOT **** SELF. WHICH TOO, MOST KNOW I DON'T EVER REALLY MIND BEING OR DOING STUFF ON MY OWN! SOME PPL AIN'T GOT TO HAVE ME CUZ IM GONNA ALWAYS HAVE ME MYSELF AND I! I WAS BORN ALONE, IM GOING TO DIE ALONE &IT MIGHT BE NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE HOLD MY HAND AS I GO WHEN I GO. BUT BABY if you think or thought  I'd change for you this is your ******* wake up call! Listen; I've been in and out of foster care& group homes and in them; I was SEVERELY ABUSED, put down assulted and defamed etc. This ain't no sob story; been married a whole heep of times and went through similar **** like foster care etc with them so called men & was talked about like a dog & sometimes worse from so called family wether foster or blood etc. Ppl turned on me ,  believed lies & gave up our long standing FRIENDSHIP. I have been homeless and well off ; never rich{money wise} and have known struggles. I am sure many have similar stories; but this here is mines, I've danced on a pole and I'm not ashamed, I've worked in what I considered so called "Cooperate American", nursing& legal FIELD'S too
(white collard,blue,pink throw ups & more) lol and been to college many times. Im told by a a few psychiatrist that I'm a borderline genius but even Einstein couldn't tie his shoe without help! I have PTSD plus much more.SEEN DEATH &LOOKED IT RIGHT IN ITS FACE . WATCHED THOSE I LOVE&LOVED GO HOME TO GLORY - SOME OF EM WERE FROM MY WOMB.BEEN jumped stabbed shot at etc; I don't ******* scare easy baby and yo race don't mean **** to me unless it's you of whatever race color & Creed that's trying to do an injustice towards ME!So take me as I am or ******* delete me block me and or cut me off & outta yo life;CUZ I AINT CHANGING FOR YOU & NO one else!

My skins burns
where your hand scorched me with
* your touch
the weight of it lingers there
as if
your finger tips etched itself inside my
*DNA

The smell of you suffocates
me
that intoxicating scent
like an ever present shadow where
you
used to be

Walking down
these halls in this now quite
home *
wishing they'd talk but like  you their
silent*
dwelling
here empty in what used be us

The foundations cracked  
the paints chipping away
like faded memories of 
our first kiss

the cupboards doors need some work too  

I can't get the faucet to stop
leaking like my tears they fall overflowing
& I can't fix none of this

How do I mend
everything that's wrong &broken

Pictures hanging
crooked like the back patio steps

I almost fell
almost fell so hard
with no one to catch me  you
should of
tried
to catch me so many times

Because
I'd of broke my neck
like you've broken my heart

The foundations
cracked
the paints
chipped
chipping away

Even though
this house is falling apart
I'll find a way to fix it....

Maybe
then this house
will once more be
**HOME

I'm insatiable  
I'm also soo fragile
with a uniqueness  all my own,
I am not superficial  and yet the contradiction would be paying bills on time and having material things matters  to me,
I have a vibrant will plus my spirits
strong too,
I love hard and fierce
I have ambitious desires  wants needs and goals,
I'm anxious  and have this deep longing,
an unquenchable thirst  almost obsession  like to express who
I truly am
yet
I'm
frighten ..
I want to be held yet don't always like being touched ,
I want conversation  yet like the peace of  quite,
I want to go out yet being in public scares me sometimes.
Somethings  make me shy even if I've done em  plenty of times,
Sometimes
I wanna eat out instead I'll  cook and then eat in bed,
I no longer wish to be a pet owner but no one will take care my half blind and semi deaf dog like me or any of the other 3
Who
like me have social anxiety,  
I like my independence  
but the
contradiction here is
I also
love being clingy  
I like kissing
yet rarely do and
when I do so I don't give my all, I want to learn knew moves  yet feel I know enough.
  I'm expressionistic; it may not be a word but it's the best way to describe  me
I want rough
***
but doubt I can go for hours
may not even last minutes
I also want to go slow ant take my time
learn something as I've previously  said.
I want gentle strong hands to keep me safe in their protectiveness
Let me be free in my mix of independence  & clingy
Accept  me
my tormented  brokenness
&
all my imperfections
I want to be more than why I am now and like most
I'M scared of changed
the scars
Run Deep
deep into my bones
Borne Into My Soul
meshing and mending into my heart
Even deep groves soaked into my broken pieces
like craving
deep into wood
deeper still to my roots
I want someone else to come do the work and fix me
Heal me
but knowing my journey
would make full grown men
run away  
I face this on my own.
I know I have to fix myself and heal
but who ever said
I'd have to do it
*Alone?

SO BROKE

I CAN'T PAY ATTENTION

SO BROKE

I AIN'T GOT NO SENSE
(CENTS)

SO BROKE

IVE ALLOWED
YOU HERE

WHEN I REALLY
SHOULDN'T

SO BROKE

I STRUGGLE
JUST TO GET AHEAD
AHEAD OF THE GAME

HEAD OF THIS LIFE
WHICH DRAGS ME DOWN

SO BROKE

I DON'T
LET ANYONE IN

SO BROKE

TO WHERE
I NO LONGER
KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

BROKE

ENOUGH THAT
I DON'T WANT TO
BE WITH ANYONE

YET THE
CONTRADICTION
IS
I REALLY DO

I WANT HIM TO STAND BY ME

HELP ME MEND THESE
BROKEN
PLACES WITHIN ME

SHOW ME SOMETHING
SO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

SOMETHING TO WHERE
I'D BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN

TO WHERE THOSE BROKEN PARTS
ARE SEWN BACK TOGETHER  

SOMEONE WHO'D SEE ME
MOST BEAUTIFUL

HE'D KEEP HIS WORD ALWAYS
HOLD ME NO
MATTER IF WE HAVE ***
OR NOT

HE'D TALK IT OUT
AND NOT WALK AWAY

HE'D TELL ME HIS DEEPEST
DARKEST SECRETS SHARE
EVERY PART OF ME

HE WOULDN'T
EVER CHEAT LIE OR STEAL

HE WOULD BE WHAT MY DREAMS
AND FANTASIES WERE MADE OF

LIKE I CONJURED HIM UP
AND MADE HIM REAL

OUR *** LIFE

WOULD BE
EVERYTHING

IVE EXPECTED
AND
BEYOND

AND
IT WOULDN'T BE
ALL ABOUT HIM

I'D GET TO
FINISH TOO

INSTEAD OF

CONSTANTLY
PRETENDING

I HIT MY PEAK

YEAH

THAT'D BE NICE

BUT UNTIL THEN
I GUESS ILL BE

  SO BROKE

I'm not going to do this
             I tried too many times
                    I'm not scared any more
                                          I just don't want the hassle
                      of all that
                   comes with YOU
                        I don't trust YOU
                      I don't trust anyone  
          blame my past
from childhood
to adulthood
            Blame my last ex
                                    he did the same as YOU
                                               looked me in my face
& lied
               Lying YOU though
                                        YOU actually believe
                                                    the ****
                                      that comes out
                                     your mouth and
    be mad
                           cuz I don't fall for it
                                            I long ago knew
     we shouldn't
of stuck together
                    as we did
                I settled for less
                      of what I deserved
                 because
I felt for a spell
                       I'd be enough  
My apologies
      My mistake
              My fault
       **IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN

I cried for the litter girl who still hangs on to a spark of hope, the teen girl who waits for daddy to come
the woman that sits up in the dark wondering where her husband might be since hes been out of work since 5 pm and its now 5 am with no sign of him coming in

I had a love once who got on a plane and found happiness with out me and then I stayed settled with someone who I knew couldn't ever love me not in the ways I've always needed to be loved so for a while I allowed it

I took a lover after begin alone for years  sadly I couldn't give him all of me, I've been torn down cast aside put down and made to feel I'm worthless that lil girl that wife and mother longing for her own yet not found it yet

Been abused and beat to where life had no meaning and has nothing to offer yet im to afraid to stop living yet to this lil girl inside this is not living this is just existing

I want to be loved again where I feel safe  and wanted needed and desire made love to until my longing goes away .

fairy tales are real I've held it once and didn't know what to do with it mental health be ****** I deserve my happy ending!

I watched as the
leaves changed
as
I change too

I felt lips slowly
caressing me
felt too
my hand wrap around
your broad shoulders
silly me
I forget my self
seem foreign accents
have a way of making me forget
or
was it in the way you kiss
which has me
loosing what senses I've got left

My body hasn't felt like
this and if t did
I doubt I'd forget

Forgotten from years ago when
someone like you during
November
held me
just like this
and
left traces of kisses
down my spine
but I messed it up
I couldn't
believe someone
like him
loved me
so yup I messed it up

Here we are
you & I
and
before we let it get too far
Just give me
what I came here for

Dance with me
our lovers dances
touch me slowly

Sensually splay
your palm on my breast
wrap your fingers in my hair
tilt my head back

Devour
my mouth with yours
as
you slide your other hand
over my plump belly
trace each stretchmarks
with your fingers

We've stopped

I pause
You look down at me
I'm panting  
your breathing heavy

You're starring intensely
at me with those  
beautiful  mesmerizing
lapis  blue eyes

mesmerizing

my breath stops
and
I'm lost within them
I can't even look away

You stand up
towering over me  
still gazing at me
with such
longing
as if
I'm the only one in the
world

I can't take it anymore
but
before I drop my gaze you scoop me up
into your arms

No words have been spoken but I know whats to come
We've been taunting and teasing one another for
days weeks and months

*Pressing our bodies up against one another
every time we got together

May's long gone and
after waiting from then
til November

Seven months
hmm
one of us is about to be in trouble
&
I think it's me

Time passes
and
all we're doing is clinging to one another
the air between us
is electric

We did this to each other
we've allowed it
to build up
so much and now
the moments here

I'm nervous

it's been such a long long time

Effortless you hold my weight
up in the air within your arms
my legs
automatically
wrap around
your thick masculine waist

I wish I knew
how you did it
stripping my clothes and yours

honestly  
I can't remember
how we ended up
undressed

All I remember
is
your administrations
to my person
&
how you
*kissed    licked  ******
almost every part of me

so delicately
so sensually
&
how your fingers
played with me

melting me from the inside out
and
how your
massive manhood
stretched me
as
you continued
your
delicious assault

UMMM

I haven't called you since
I haven't replied to your texts
It's not easy for me
but you'll not understand

I'm no good for you
I hurt those who seem to
genuinely care for me

Specially men
I've not had good
experiences with em

So when you
come as you are
with those
beautiful lapis blue eyes

I know
I'd get lost in you

lost
in what
we could of been
No could
not
of been
or
ever be again

because
I'd be a shell of myself

I'd find somehow
some way to
**** it up

I doubt you can relate
because
you don't
understand
but
trust me

I've seen
what you were
* asking*
without words
ever being spoken

So before
we go there
I'd rather not

Let's end it
as we did
and
PLEASE*
remember
we'll always have
**November

I admit
most times
I don't know what I'm doing....


Traded one
for something that refuses to grow
no matter how much
I tried to nurture it,

how did I figure it'd work,
when every part of my being
was screaming ; 

 "girl don't you do IT".

I did it....

I felt
I hadn't any choice,
I lost it all already
and
seemed the course
was set for me
with out me
making up my mind .

I did it....

I should of reconsidered

but for what and for whom?

I was alone
longing and now

I'm stuck,
trapped

longing  
for protective arms
to hold me
stead of
pushing me away.

Pointing fingers
constantly accusing
but
never to touch me
gentle or rock my body
slowly
with any affirmation of love,*

not your love; yours is toxic,

hurtful
demanding

manipulative,
and
always has me crying....  

   still......

I did it.

Now
I have nothing left
but regrets
more broken promises and this....

This

wedding ring.

Don't  
be or play  coy  
baby ;  
show me who you are,
from day
ONE,

NAHHH,

I don't
wanna
wait & find out
after the
honeymoon
faze
has worm off,

Let me see;

Show me the you in 6 months

The one & only
real
YOU.

WHO
you are
when
no one's
paying attention
YOU.

I don't want the 3 months everything is fine & cute You


The whatever you 
 like  
&
wanna please me
you.

The so eager to
spoil
me
&
shower
me
with attention 
 you,

because
this is all lovely 
 sweet
& brand new  to
YOU
type You.

Let me see you
The real you,

The I dont give a ****
YOU?

THE

I'm a  
mental wreck 
 break some ****
type you,

How about ;

The
I'm not who everyone
wants me to be
YOU,
the crazy
"Put the lotion in the basket"
  type you?

Let me see  
YOU,

THE REAL YOU

&

leave all
that
fake
courting

*******
you
AT THE DOOR

WHERE YA HUNG YA COAT!

Mind racing thoughts

As I screamed;  
with my mouth closed;
  too afraid to open up
and
let the voices  out

Who
knows what they'd say;
if allowed to shout Loudly
what's always
in
my head.

Secrets
left
unkempt
have ways
of
coming out.

Shhhhhhhhh

Please  don't  tell!

(they'll send me away again with medicine & try to  make me forget *)

Too hard
trying to
be friends with you is an emotional attachment that
I don't need

Especially since we were meant for something special

You told me oncr
You couldn't love me
the way you love me and go from
that  to just being my friend
I now agree

I didn't understand it then

because

I didn't love you the same way and now that
I've gotten to know you better

I got  to see what it's really about.

It's sad to say
I let you go
when
I should have
held on...

but I can relate to you now!

I can't love you
the way you need and or the way you do.
I can't
plus I refuse to be so close to you and turn from being lovers to only
  being your friend again!

After everything we've been through
the best thing for us to do
is just move on; move it along

Replace each other with the comforts of knowing-what could have been.

Pretend with someone else that they are who we are meant to have;  instead of it being you or it being me.

It's sad that you're gone and I miss you

but I thank you for all the greatness that you gave me;
all the mystery; all the adventures the losses and the lust-felt loving, touching and caressing ...

The education on how to treat somebody right ; on how to laugh when you want to cry; in how to to find joy and pleasure in all the little things that we normally take for granted!

I just want to say thank you

I appreciate everything you tried to do and have done for me.

It's been awhile since I wrote down anything;  because every time I do, it's always about my misery.

Today; I smile, and I have so much joy in my heart, because;  you're happy, therefore I'm happy;  because you're loved

I'm jouful, because somebody else can appreciate you the way I never really was able to.

I see the smile on your face and I see that light your eyes.

For today I'm content knowing someone else has made you completely and utterly happy!

Sometimes it's ok: to cry until you've got no tears left

Sometimes it's ok: to lay still & watch the clouds roll by

Sometimes it's ok: to allow the music to take to another place

Sometimes it's ok: to remember it all

Sometimes it's ok: to listen with your heart

Sometimes it's ok: to say I'm sorry 1st

Sometimes it's ok: to be held by the one who's hurt you

Sometimes it's ok: to accept that which you cannot change

Walk away  and start again

It hurts and it's gonna

Nothing in life was meant to be easy

yet

I've always thought LOVE
wouldn't hurt
nor should it ever hurt

Guess that's what I get for thinking huh?

Sometimes it's ok: to let go

let go

give in
and
allow
the blissful waters
to cover you

wash you anew

Because

Sometimes it's ok: to give in and let everything fall apart

Sometimes it's ok: to cry until you've got no tears left

Sometimes it's ok: to lay still & watch the clouds roll by

Sometimes it's ok: to allow the music to take to another place
where there's nothing to mourn

Sometimes it's ok: to remember it all even if it hurts

Sometimes it's ok: to listen with your heart

Sometimes it's ok: to say I'm sorry 1st

Sometimes it's ok: to be held by the one who's hurt you

Sometimes it's ok: to accept that which you cannot change

You're not a super hero
no matter how many times
you come to anyone's aid
or disregarded your own needs

So it's ok to let your bi polar consume you

Let the voices  in your head take over

You'll not regret it

explode
scream & shout
for once
and
loose your composure

Violate the thoughts
you've held inside
let out everything  
you've longed to say

without
regret

without
remorse

IT'S OK

Specially
when you're already
lost all hope
and
everything's
out of control

You wont be
here any way

so it's OK
to speak your mind

release all your
pent up rage

come on

it's OK

SOMETIMES!!!

I don't know
anymore

I can't fathom
how come I feel
how I do

You've stilled
my heart

It doesn't even
beat the same
anymore

I'm tired
going in circle

You know
I'm already insane
I've been
lie to
mislead
deceived
disrespected
manipulated

I refuse to
take anymore

I refuse to allow
myself to
go through this
once again

Guess that's why
we're
living
a life of
pretend

Make
believe
everything's
OK

When all
along
I've felt
this
"You & Me"
is such
a huge
mistake

I knew it
along
time ago
and
I still stayed

Allowed those
who cared
about me
truly
to walk away

All for the sake
of being with
YOU

When for
you
it was all
games

Shame on
me
for
hurting
myself

I don't
know
how to go
from here

Without
causing more
pain
but go I will


I'll do IT
I have to

You
seem
like
you don't
understand
but
of course
you do

I've tried
too often
&
many times
to explain
plus
express all
this
to you

You allowed
pride & ego
to consume
you

You're
going to
do
what the
****
you
wanna
do

Problem
is
you
thought
I'd
play the
fool

Thought
I
needed
your
money
to survive

but
didn't
you
know

I've
been
here
plenty of times
been here way
too many times
long before
well before you

I'll say good-bye
to show me more
than showing you

I'll make it with out you

because you can
no longer live
a life of make believe
play house

Act as if everything's OK

you know what I mean

Um what's it call
oh right
*pretend

I've had a handful of relationships

Along with a few lovers too

Yet I'm not fulfilled
I crave the knowledge of passion desire gut wrecking ****** awaking

I can write stories that would set you on fire and have you begging for release

I can speak on countless times
I've allowed my body to explode in an ******* haze

So what?

Yup I've said it - SO WHAT?

I wanna know what it is to loose myself in our love making to be completely submissive to my body's cravings and allow myself to be caught up in the rapture of *******!

I have so many times allowed myself to have ***

You on top or I'm on top
We'll try some new postilions
yet all the while we're doing this; I'm thinking of what to cook or did I past my finals  and/or I'm fantasying about the way it could be

Silly me I'm no **** star yet I've watched a few and "acting" as they are - it seems like they have a clue on what it means to really let one's self go

I wanna know how to do the same

I want you to talked ***** to me (ONLY when We're doing this)
Call me out my name sometimes tell me whose it is

I want to be held down tightly as you ****** deep inside
I want my mind to be there too

I want my soul to scream out when I do
I want my body to convulse and shake -without feeling judge or laughed at

it happens  because I've heard storied
Even if it's yet to happen to me I fear it can happen.

I want to  be free to explore my wild side and truly let go of all inhibitions

I wanna be devoured by you
whom ever you may be
since
I'm on my own currently
and
I have no plans to seek out a relationship

YET

I still would like to try to have a lover -
that's something I've yet to do
We always ended up in a long term relationship
or
I end up married to him

Maybe having a lover isn't for me
but the other stuff  
most definitely is all for me

I wanna be lust after and desired so much so that he's almost stalker-like for me
but
he'd be wanted
unlike the current stalker out here
bothering me

I wanna know what its like to be truly concurred
*******
stripped down and have him make me feel
so alive in and out of the bed room

I wanna know what it's like to ride his face or be turned upside down to be as I've heard it called grudge ****** until we loose all time and space
where our souls collide and we forget every single thing!

Maybe a simply relationship
that has all the benefits of lover's and we'd also be the best of friends

Guess it'll balance out some how
I want my fantasy to be my reality
Eat me lick me kiss me hard bend me flip me

put me up against the wall
**** me fast and make me cry lust  after me hurt me

but don't stop
I want hours on end
until we're spent and tired
yet
we'd take breaks
but keep it going

I know how to have *** and ***
even ****** or even at times fake it
for right now though
I just
Wanna Know!*
(is what I'm asking for too much or not realistic?)

I have no reason to be upset

What I'm feeling really don't need a name!

I crave something that's unobtainable  

unbelievable for some just not for me because I believe in fairytales

I believe in magic  & happily ever afters

There's really something in all those princess movies but I like those  heroic love novel's  

where she's saving him as he's trying to save her

Those stories where they fight hard for each other & no matter time or space

They'll always find their true desire; Eachother!

I'm not mad
I'm not even upset
Because some day soon  
my story will be told  & it'll be a fairytale
Come true  

Even if it's only in my dreams

He laughs at all my corny jokes
I know
I'm not a comedian & still he laughs

He talks to me on so many levels
We really don't even care
what the conversations about

He rubs my pain away
massaging me
until I'm fast of sleep

He's not once put me down,
I see him so completely
different than any of my exes

He cooks for me
after a long day
He makes me my favorites

He opens doors
even pulling
out my chair

He holds me in the mist of my nightmares
never making fun of my mental illness

He doesn't pressure me to be intimate
or
request a ****** relationship
he
knows I'm celibate & respect this

He prays with me
  and
he prays for me

He doesn't take me for granted
always a kind word to say
and
never ever has he been
disrespectful

He makes sure all my needs are met
and
he's devoted to my kids

most importantly he does
everything
I've longed for in sometimes
goes above and beyond,

He's quick to protect me
defend my honor
never discussing me to anyone

well
not ever has
he talked bad about me
or in
the negative as others
claiming to love me have

He refuses to be
baited by anyone
where
I'm concerned
and
recent had to make
a
stalker leave me alone
but
what I like the most of
my new friend
is that
He Holds My Hand!

You had everything you needed

I couldn't give you all you wanted

but
I've made sure you had everything you needed

What went wrong
was so much more than what's seen on the surface

What's going on is way deeper
than a few hurtful words in the mist of arguments.

I can deal with this yet I refuse

I refuse to repeat this dance with someone new

I've passed this test before and I wont take it again

I'm spiritual tired, soul mind and body

I rather not accept anything from you

No more of me compromising
it's draining every single part of me

You
don't care and even though you see and hear
you're really not listening or paying attention
to key details

You throw blame at my insecurities  

Yes

I have some but I face them
and no matter what

I know
I'm  pretty **** close to amazing
plus
I'm working on me  

I know
I'm mental & emotionally banged up
which is why I have to
STOP  

YES give up on US  

and
keep praying you'll find your way

I only want and need peace

I'll pray for you but as for me

I'm praying
I
FINALLY
live 

 Praying
I gain
wisdom and understanding

Because

I've tried

I really did

but

I've known

even as

I've
come to realize

the truth

too late

That
it is possible
for
me to love

but

not always help

*A Broken Man

I have these feeling
nagging me

Weighting me down

I can't explain it to you

No one can know
cuz
they won't understand
can't
comprehend

I know we're born to die

Live for it in fact
but
it's been consuming me

Every single night
since
December  01 2015

I've felt this foreboding
soul
crushing
feeling
which leaves me in tears

These thoughts
aren't my own

Guess
I'm  not use to really being
alone

On my own

yearning for something
but my heart says
Death isn't it

I've tried to shake it off
ignore it
even face it

Truth of the matter is
I'm living in fear

I don't fear much else
just the thought of
life moving on
without me

Thoughts of
My family and children
thinking of me
fondly
and
still living their
life
With out me here

****
I don't want to be a memory

I want to be
here
Laughing or crying
feeling all life has
good or bad

I don't know what happens
once we're gone from Earth

Some say heavens for real  

Yeah yet

Maybe

Maybe that's my fear
that  maybe
I've done so much wrong

I'm not going
but as
I've said and always will say

I was born alone
I'll die alone
Still
it'd be
so wonderful
to have some one
there
just to
*Hold my hand!

We
 were
 all we had

I gave
 it
away

I let go
 of
your hand

Now

Now
 we have

Nothing left

Bitterness
remains

On my pillows

Were your scent
used to linger

A farewell 
 long since came
In the mist
 of our sweat

Crumpled sheets
and
a stain

Nothing
 even matters
and
further more

I've not changed

I grew up

&
 realized

We stopped time

 Only for a moment
until

There was
no
Hope

Our
 Wish
wasn't fulfilled

Dreams

 turned

 nightmares

&
Prayers 

Prayers went

 unanswered

We were

all we had

&
Now

There's Nothing LEFT!
© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N.

Didn't you noticed how everything is different

NO more kisses well... not as much or like we once used to

We don't talk anymore, remember when we used to stay all night; we called it "breaking night"

We'd talk for hours about nothing at all until dawn & beyond

Not anymore & not sure what happened

What went wrong & what's going on

How come all of this is taken place

How can you loose track of what we stood for

Why would you and how come you don't seem to be in love with me

What did I do wrong

What's the matter with me

Whose taken my place because it seems that way

Isn't it silly & crazy how we used be so in tune
so in love
so happy

Simply put I'm banished
transcended to being merely your friend

I can't even call myself your woman
Or ya lady

OH My GOSH

This is crazy we don't do anything together

You don't touch me or really speak to me
Well you do but it's nothing tangible or important

When I say anything it goes in one ear & out the other

Do you know I'm here cuz I feel  invisible

I guess I don't have you  

It's as if you've replaced yourself with somebody new; someone who doesn't like me
&
Doesn't want to be seen with me
This new you doesn't even think of my needs

Seems clear to me that
You've
moved on
&
**YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME

I have this
feeling

I'll not try
to explain it

Deep inside
me*

It's telling
me
not to
*trust
you

I admit it

I've been
hurt a great deal

but seems here

You're
playing a game
only you can
win

You hold all
the major cards

SO
of course
You'll win

Only one's
that'll work

In this game is
the pair of

Jokers

Which doesn't say a lot
then again it says;

I'm the Fool

Not once
but
twice over

I've been a joke before
unbeknownst
to myself

The other players knew
&
They've cease to inform me

SO I've had no choice
to be lead on these string's
forever
&
Danced
to a foreign tune

This time
I'm a Joker
&
long as you're amused

Guess I'll play my part.

Act II Scene VII

© 2015-2077 by Ayeshah K.C.L.N.
All rights reserved.
No part of this may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means,without prior written permission of Ayeshah K.C.L.N.

UGH

Freaking really

Like you asked for it
and
as
we're
getting into the mood

You seem to be rushing things
I assume it's going to be good

Kids at the pool
and
you already  
know
how I do

You say you like it when
I tell you
take ya
clothes off
Yeah
I'm sure you do

but

ugh

for real

What's got in to you
You're rushing me it seems
It's not been that long

Slow down
Hold on
Undress me
first of all
Touch me
and
take your
**** time

I don't wanna ****
I want you to do it right
all night
if
we must
but
UGH

You're
groping and grabbing
You're being
all rough
I'd like to be teased
slowly please

Touch me
and
slide a finger in
maybe two
Get me in the ****
mood
Yet it's just
ugh
here you go

Racing to finish
and
we've yet to began
I don't want to say anything
cuz
it'll cause a fight
and
all
I long for is
multiple *******

You're leaning in
with that crooked grin
and
I'm thinking of ways
to make sure
I get licked

Something you
claim you love to do
but
guess not
right now
huh
boo

Seems you're
playing
I'm annoyed
and
ready to get it over with
You've hurried up
and
undress
yet
you've forgot
about me

I liked it
when last we did this
You took me slowly
but deep
and
you undressed me

Yet right now
doesn't seem
at all like
the last time

You rushed in
and
seems you can't find my spot
probably
dried the hell up
cuz
you're in such
a
rush

Well here we go
I'm sure it'll be worth it
most times
it normally is

Remember
when we went out salsa dancing
then went back to your house
your roommates
claimed I was being to loud

This isn't a time like that
matter of fact
this seems like a nightmare
it's 6 pm
the suns still out

I close my eyes as you finally find my spot
You're moving in and out
I'm so frustrated
I can't even enjoy
It's not feeling good
it's hurting
and I'm counting down the time

It's sad for us both
Your enjoying whats going on
and I'm waiting for you to be done
Fake moaning all the wile
yet inside my head

I'm trying hard to get into it
trying hard to enjoy it
I'm starting to get wet
and feeling good now
I peek out at you
and
I see you're
so into what we're doing
It's 6:15 pm

Your face changes
and I'm like oh ****
I try not to think of what is soon to come
I focus on the pleasure of what's being done
I'm getting closer to ******
I feel it building up

I'm ready
and I'm sure well erupt together
It's 6:20 pm
Um
UGHHHHHHHHH

NOPE!
you came and I didn't
Like
wow
*******
REALLY?!!?!
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved

I suspect
I would have
acquiesced
&
quietly  
halfheartedly
allow you
to take
ownership
over
a
contentious heart*

Your
acquisition
of this
wounded
vessel
has been obtained
but
the price ; pain

I've tried
so
many time
to
tell you
I'm
broken
empty
&
bitter.

There
isn't
any
help for
me
and
no room for
my
Contentious
*love
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved

I've changed
You've changed

Remember when
duck duck goose  
made sense

Giggling bubblely laughter  
was all that mattered

Redlight
123
Greenlight

Tag you're it

Ring around the Rosies

Pockets  full of posies

Remember it;

I've changed

You've changed

Life threw us  ashes

Ashes ashes

123 Greenlight

Didn't see it coming
yellow
  quickly
turned red

Ashes ashes

I can feel myself lifted

flying in the air

Your feet tucked into my belly

Your hands holding my hands

Remember that;

Miss Mary Mat Matt Mat

All dressed  in  black  black black

With silver buttons  

heading to a funeral home

That's what's she was doing
but it's not
exactly
how the children's song
goes huh

Remember when;
  
We'd stand in front of the mirror

****** Mary
****** Mary
******  oooooo don't  say it

I liked it best when
we played

ding **** ditch

Ashes ashes

life's ashes swirling  
grey dark hazy

Smokey mist glimpses
as my mind races

Glittered  pieces  
Like a kaleidoscope
fading in and out

Making funny shapes & faces

Faces with no name
whom I've known
when life was simpler

Ring around the Rosies

Pockets  full of posies

Posies ; deep pock marks

Scares an unnamed souls

  from crashing though  
a car's windshield

She wanted to text
she'd be home soon

123 Greenlight
yellow
  quickly
turned red

Ashes ashes

I've changed
You've changed

Remember when

Being young & irresponsible was seemingly
our job

We didn't  have to worry or wonder

Remember when;

Tag  you're  it

Ashes ashes

I changed

You changed
&

We All Fall Down!
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved

I like the thought of you
Of us being together

I like the thought of you being in my arms
I like the thought of you

I think of how you smile

I think of how you lay or should say how you would lay next to me

I think of how we'll sit and watch TV
It's  not really important what we watch
Long as we're spending the time together

I think of how your loving would be

Ironically  thoughts drifts in and out of how I'd want you to eat my food

Thoughts of  you'd say your full

I think of how  the love novels talks of this undying love and how it  speaks of demons giants and Dragons

How you'd save me
from all of them

I'd be the girl in the novels  and they live somehow happily ever after

I'm thinking that could be you and me

Yeah I like the thought of a fairy tale coming true

A battle or two fought over me

Of someone taking me away from my hole in the wall  castle

Someone um  like um  you

I got all the imaginary demons dragons and Giants ready for you to fight em

All up in my mind- imaginary then again their real in reality  too

For now
I'll pretend and think of you being my Knight in shinning armor

I like that idea better

How you'd slay them and comfort me

Holding me close to you on a mountain top as the wind blows in my hair

The end result would be
us
sealing our relationship
with a single chaste kiss

I like the thought of that

I like thinking of you

I like assuming one day
I'll skip the imprisonment of my mind

escape these single baring thoughts of being left alone

I'll escape the torturous mental illness and I'll be normal

Normal enough for you to love me and for me to accept it

Normal enough for us to come together

Normal enough for you to see me never as a threat

Only someone that is forever in your debts because you'd change my life

I'd cherish you - like you'd cherish me

I don't know what that's called
OH  yes I do
it's called husband and wife

These things are what
I think about

Yes all this   this um silliness
when um well
when I think of you
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved

Didn't you know who I was

and  who I am

Didn't you beg for me
to do this man

Stop playing
atop of everything  else

A shame

a **** shame

You're  caught and it's really messed up

I said I'd do it

but you didn't wait

You  took what I made

and  ya didn't even ask

Why
when you  know I'd share

Wait I know it's cause

You're  selfish

Now you owe me
another
CAKE

CHOCOLATE
if you have it please
Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved

It was a soft kiss

which took my breath away

My eyes fluttered then closed
as the kiss
deepened

The way you've presses me to you
spoke so loud

In my head I've imagined

us walking down the aisle if only for a moment

For  this moment
In this space
as time stopped & the world stood still  

I'm in your arms  

I'm yours    I'm beautiful     I'm  desired

All  from this little
KISS

Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved

I'm tired of hearing you talk

whining of what can't ever be

Boy please save it

I've heard it all before

Ya sound like a broken record

Repeating yourself over and over

Did you know everything is always "I"

Haven't ya heard there's no "I's" in TEAM

Complaining so much all the time of

What someone has done to "you" or didn't give to you

Did you know

You're always pointing your finger towards what another has done

Complaining how someone else was the one

it's just never because of you

Well blame me if you must

I really don't give a ****

I'm not going to change for you

or do the **** you think I ought to

Sadly you've assumed my life revolves round you

You talk of everything I've done

Like I held you hostage with a gun

As if I can make anyone do a **** thing

This is where we're so completely

different

Your claim of gaining a backbone

as if I've ever stopped you

My faults are my own

I have a daily reminders

So I surely don't need you constantly

making sure I know where I've went wrong

You want friendship  which isn't a problem but

don't make it seems as if I'm begging
for it
or
I'm the whole reason you left

You've planned on it way before the fight

Because I wasn't giving in to your demands

not allowing myself to suffer again

If it's part you and me

Why is it

My flaws are always talked of & pointed out

My deeds always mentioned & not forgiven

I wonder do you ever look to what you've done

You assume you've only hurt me

with your lies  & empty promises

Stole & took some of the best parts of me

Children are like eyes

Their the windows to our souls

So coldly where You
with an empty heart

You walked away
&
Left them in pain

And think things will be different

Forgive and forgotten huh

Well I'll tell you what

When I see a man

The one so long ago
who knew right from wrong
&
Cared enough to be better then this

Maybe I'll change my thinking

But until then You'll

Be just another guy

who fed me & the kids

A bunch of

LIES!

Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved

I don't like this feeling of falling in love
                                                I like it better when I'm in control
                When I have more of a choice
                                                It'***** me hard
                The knowledge which comes with falling
                                See I get so*
insecure
                                            Blame my last few relationships
                    I was let down put down & lied to
                                                   I was dumbfounded and stuck right there
                                             I allowed myself to be
                                     beaten abused misused and cheated on
                                         over & more over again
        I don't even know why it's called falling in
                                        when it seems more like getting stuck
                        Shocked out of reality
                                                               well that's the way it seems for me
                                                    I don't like this feeling of falling in love
        I like it more when we're in the 1st stages of friendship
                When we're both still a mystery
                                            When You don't know me
                                                    Seems those beginning stages are
less complicated
                                        *I like how it feels to wait
To anticipate our first kiss
                                                     or  our the very first hug
                                                I like it best when we date and everything's  
                                   up for grabs
                Nothing's really mentioned
nor are we even truly serious
                                                        T­hings just flow and we're not rushing to be
            hurt
                                       I like it when we act like children well more like teens
                                                    We talk constantly and there's no reasons to fight
                            No dictatorship
        No consequences for our actions
                        No one to ever answer to because there isn't any rules
                Well there are a few mainly
RESPECT & do to others
                                                      as You'd wish them to do to YOU
 *Beside this there too many rules
                                                    No real reasons to be jealous or worry about a things
                                    Come & go as we please
        You have your home & I have mines
                            No worrying over whose to do what
                                    See this is why
I don't like this feeling of falling in love
            (It Changes People)
            *Copyright ©
                                                    Ayeshah K.C.L.N 1977-Present  
All right reserved