The sun
Is glad to see your face,
Your unseen grace,
Your Hidden space,
Your
Silhouette now covered in sun beams.
It seems
You've been
Packed away for a very long time
Its almost a crime how you've
Shielded yourself from his hydrogenity.
The sun
Is glad to see your smile
Your pearly whites
And colorless lips
Soft,
Too cold,
needing,
Craving,
warmth.
His
Golden fingers graze your cheek
And Bring life back to your pallor.
Who knew
Living as a recluse would make you so blue,
So unidentifiable?
He Brings you back from the dead
Pulling your soul back out
into your flesh.
Fresh
And healed,
At least Temporarily
But it
is enough,
His touch,
To liven your now tanning skin
To Make you akin to his own:
A sunflower
Trapped in the dark
3 inches tall instead of 3 feet
Now starting to grow beyond skyscrapers with his aid,
if his light is what's causing you to
Stand up straight
His heat is what is reviving your heartbeat
A Crescendo from silence to a slight pitter patter
Almost as soft as rain.
Almost as if crying.
If you listen hard enough,
You just might hear it wimpering, waking up from it's hibernation.
It
Wants to go back to sleep
But he
Refuses to give up his efforts of recesitation
For he knows it isn't for naught,
For he knows that it is working,
Your heart stirring
Beating
Louder as you step further out of the door frame
Let him
Cradle your soul with his firey hands
Let him
Bring you back from the dead.
You Look so much more alive when you let him work his magic on you.
The world
Has missed you.
Looking around,
Your mind starts whirring,
Analysing The outside world.
The Green of the grass and the
Blue of the sky,
All Graces of the solar angel shining over you,
Shining into you.
Giving you sight,
Giving you life,
Giving you the things you couldn't have before.
Let his
Golden happiness seep into your freezing bones,
And,
Turn them into torches
And burn brighter, in the daylight
Than you ever did in the darkness.

somehow,
i always manage to ruin something.
Anything.
Everything.
I wish the things id touch would turn to gold,
instead,
they turn to black.
Everything i love
turning back as if i were never there in the first place,
and i deserve it.
I
used to be so happy
and healthy
and sweet
now i am nothing
but petty
and toxic
and mean
i don't know when
or  how
but something inside of me died
like a flower left in a vase a little too long
i started to wilt away
started to lose my petals one by one
kindness.....
             Joy........
                        self love.......
Leaving me one at a time
and then seemingly
all at once
as if when the last petal fell
I died with it.
I dont know what to do with this carcass
of a girl who once was
except to hold it up
if only
to catch a few final rays of sun.

She sits on her bed wondering if she will ever get better.
Ever BE better.
She wonders if her choices and emotions are her fault
Or a product of something deeper.
She stares at herself in the mirror
and wonders
If her tired eyes were caused by the torrent of tears, or instead, if they were caused by life's tolls.
But,
What she doesn't know,
Is that the only person who sees her in this way
Is herself.
She
Is only the underdog
To herself.

Hold your own hand Sarah
Because no one is going to hold it for you
No one is going to hold it for you
No one is going to hold it for you
No one is going to be there for you when you need it the most
No
Sometimes
You're going to be alone
So hold your own hand Sarah
When no one else will at least you will have yourself
Your strength
Rivals that of 1000 bulls
And When your hands come together
You can harness that
The strength your mother
Infused into your bones
Interlocking
fingers twisted together in a lonely vigil
their only company the half painted fingernails that adorn them
Fingernails
That can only ever scratch the surface of the potential you possess
You
Have potential
An unknown future laid out in front of you
Scaring you away from possible opportunities
Hold your own hand Sarah
Stop
Second guessing your abilities
You
Look at yourself in the mirror
And see
A beautiful person
Hidden
By a mask of pretty features
You
Are chaos.
A
Fire burning
With
Invisible flames
Only you can see.
Your
Beauty is visible
But only to yourself
Others
Don't see the real you.
While
You see flames dancing
They
See a brick wall with no doors
No windows
No way in
Your
Mind a forbidden garden
Except
No one even knows it exists
See
How can anyone want in on something
When they don't even know it exists
Do you even know I exist?
Hold your own hand Sarah
Hold my hand Sarah
Your consciousness
Witnessing all your poor decisions
More divisions, all created by you
Distancing yourself from those you love most
And blaming it on them
Blaming it on time
Even though you never seem to know how to spend yours productively
Hold my hand Sarah
Maybe if you
Grabbed hold of yourself
Grabbed hold of your mind
Territory that's mine
Then you'd figure a thing or two out about how to
Straighten yourself out.
Hold my hand Sarah
I promise I'll never let you down if you would just
Hold my hand Sarah
Because we both know
I have never let you down
And we both know
That together
We can be stronger
Than ever before.

Why
Do I always mess things up?
Turning
Friendship into crush into lack of said friendship.
I
Do not intentionally like those who seem to get me best,
But I,
Do not know how to not mess this up.
I
do not know how to not like her.
See I,
I have a girl crush.
The first since I was 15
So please
Don't take this, or my feelings too lightly;
And,
Because I'm not in a rush to
Tell her how I feel
I
Manage to be complacent with her friendship,
And her company.
See she
Could either become my best friend,
Or my nothing.
Because girl crushes,
For me,
Have always been nothing but unrealistic
Feelings unrequited,
Unreturned,
Unsatisfied;
So I
Shovel them into the mass grave of
Thoughts
And emotions
In hope that,
One day,
She'll dig them up like buried treasure
And treasure them
As if they were her own.
But how
Will she ever find their tombstone
If she doesn't even know what she's looking for?
Lost,
I ask for Her advice.
She
Always seems to have the best advice:
"follow your heart." she offers to me,
But,
Little does she know that means I would have to follow her all day and
I
Don't care much for being a shadow.
I
Ask her how to tell someone the truth about my emotions and she answers:
"With honesty"
And honesty
May always be the best policy for her,
But for me,
Only lies are worth living while I
Lay with someone else,
And the lies I tell myself.
So she
Stays in the dark of my feelings
And the real questions I want to ask
Like
"Should I let us remain friends? Or should I try to make us more?"
Make me
Into
Her companion
A
Two girl coven
With no room
For anything other than magic
And unmade memories
An
Empty grimoire
Filled with
Blank Polaroids,
Uncast spells,
And unspoken words
Of feelings unshared.
I
Don't mind the idea of a relationship unhad
But my brain
flickers like a broken street light
In warning that my feelings towards others are only fake
Refusing to let me ignore that he
Is nowhere close to she,
And that she
Will never truly care for me.
Not so long as she is oblivious,
And I am dishonest.

Dear Bryan,
I love it when you
Say my name
With the knowledge that with your last it will never be the same
Say my name
And change my initials to fit yours a little better
At least, one day, we’ll have one letter more in common
Say my name
And fulfill my dreams of being your queen
You say comfort is king
So
In OUR california king bed
I know you’ll do nothing less than make my cheeks red
Blushing
And sore
Say my name
And open the door to our future
Every enunciated letter a step closer to our life together  
Serenade me
Sing me to our reality with the symphony of syllables leaving your luscious lips
Love me like this is the first and last moment of our united consciousness
Say my name
Drive me crazy
On this roadtrip of emotions
Every border crossed and hotel room occupied a new chapter in our lives
Every gallon of gas spent
And motel room left
New memories that we will never forget
Say my name
Don’t refrain from shouting it from the rooftops like you say you want to so badly
One day they’ll be the mountaintops by our California home  
Hold me
While your vocal chords explode with the feelings I hold dear to my heart
While I lay on your chest and hear yours
beat
Ba dum
Ba dum
Ba dum
As if speaking in Morse code:
I love you
I love you
I love you
Translating this language has never been so easy
One of the many tongues I want you to help me be fluent in
Say my name
In your oh so endearing voice
Because I swear
I have never heard it sound so melodious than when it’s coming from your mouth
And if I’m lucky
You’ll be the last one to whisper it in my ear,
Like sweet nothings,
For the rest of our lives.
Love, Sarah Elizabeth Canalejo

The garden of Eden is no place for fools, but you somehow made your way in
Every step tainting the very ground you walk on, every touch turning flowers and trees to stone
If only you left this place alone
My home
My sanctuary
Is not for you to own
Yet you still weild a trowel and rip up all that I have honed
But what you don't know
Is that I am not helpless
Just because you are destructive doesn't mean I can help myself less
Less than, is all you see me as
Not realizing that I'm more than just a piece of ***
Take a step back
And look at the mess you think you've made
Invading the beautiful glade I call my own
A garden now made of stone
Cold and heartless regardless of the sun shining down
Turns out that sun is now covered by rain clouds
Thunder booming loud
Turn around
See the rain pouring, hear its sound,
Are you proud?
Of all that you have done
You, a hurricane, just having a little fun
But now its time for you to run
Tracking mud over the path of which you came from
But little do you know
That one day you will atone
And that one day
This garden, now of stone
Will, over time, be eroded by the rain
And will return to the mud you have created
Left to regrow, on its own, once again.

I am not alone in my mind
The
Echoing corridors
Home to the unknown
Turning corners
Wondering
When I will run into something
Someone?
Or Some creature.

A leech
Taking advantage
Of my fragile thoughts
Feeding off of my insecurities
So I try to have none
I
Strive towards confidence like holy water
Dousing my consciousness in hope that I might convince them to leave
Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself
And maybe the leech is self doubt.

"John, Jennifer, Sarah, can I talk to all of You? Together?"
Words that I thought too little of and too much of, in unison.
My
Heart dropping
My
Mind dismissing my troubled emotions
"I'm sure it's nothing big" I thought to myself "it must be about dishes, or the broken garbage disposal, right?"
But,
My subconscious knew how wrong I was;
what my sheltering thoughts tried to ignore:
"We
Are getting evicted."
9 years of memories, not gone, but the house they were made in
We will no longer occupy
And
Will never occupy again.
I
Am not exactly sure how to feel
I
Don't really know if I am feeling too little, or too much
I
Don't think I've really even processed the fact yet.
What I thought would be a family conference about cleaning, or dishes turned into news we never saw coming
How
Does one process something you were never expecting to come.
We have
2 weeks:
To process,
To appreciate,
To memorize,
To let go.
Nothing I haven't been through before, and on shorter notice in the past
So this time
I will be stronger,
And older
I will be wiser than my constantly moving child-self ever was
I will
Not break, or crack under the pressure or the weight of past memories
I will
Mature
And be sturdy
And do the most that I can to help.
Because this
Isn't, and won't be easy on any of us.
So I
Will do my best
And we will get through this,
All of us,
Together.

The edges of my heart
Cut my soft fingertips every time I try to put the shards back together
Shattered, it struggles to not beat itself into pieces once again
Sometimes,
It feels as if my heart isn't the only point of origin for the blood Pumping through my veins
My lungs
Have become nothing but collateral damage from the
Razor sharp "I love you's,"
Their causalness
Serrating my gentle, slowing breaths
Stopping my heart's beating
Every word holding a little less meaning
"I love you?" I say back, confusèdly
Wondering
Exactly what percentage of your heart you think you poured into your words
Because I
Didn't hear any of it.
Cold, Callous
sandpaper tongue
Licking at the firey feelings of Doubt in my mind
Maybe
My quieted voice can quench my questions
Smother the slivers of vowels lodged in my lungs
Trust me when I say you cannot hold in the blood flowing from my wounds
By holding My hand.
Shorter than I yet
Somehow your lies stand taller than my inner knowing truth.
Your heart is flawless and filled with youth
So you
Cannot see the end as being anything other than mutual
Like my heart fingers and lungs
Are mutually bleeding
Sometimes, it is hard to tell which is bleeding more
Sometimes,
It is hard to tell if I am holding myself together or continuously falling further apart
Not like you would know the difference
You only ever held me when I didn't need it
When I smiled
Your mouth was filled with i love yous
But when I cried
It was never filled with questions
Why
Did you never try to see through me
Or even simply into my eyes
I thought you knew I wouldn't let you drown in my tears
But
Your reluctance to talk about my fears
Only shoved my own head under the steadily rising waters of sadness
And despair
My dear, how did you get so distant?
Moons, planets, light years away
Your heart
May as well have been located in the andromeda galaxy
Because i
Could never truly reach it
Did you really want to become so distant?
When I just wanted to reside by your side
I guess I'll dont really want to know the reason why
Or if it would have even been worth it to try
To fix us.

You may be my number one but,
Coming in second place ain’t nothing but me on the run from your first love.
Sneaking into your room
Smelling nothing but her fresh sprayed perfume
Laying on her pillow on her side of the bed
Its almost too easy to just pretend
To you, there is nothing to mend
Nothing wrong with it
It’s just *** no feelings in it
You say to yourself “it isn’t really cheating”
While telling me I’m the one who really gets your heart beating
Filling me with fleeting horomones I know will go away when I go home
But
Right now you and I are all alone
If I try to leave you’ll just call my name and groan
“I can’t live without you”
So I’ll crawl into the bed that you pretend is ours
As if we’re the ones engaged in more than just an affair
I lie to you and  tell you I just don’t care that i am not yours
As you hold my body and stroke my hair
I almost feel loved
But I know in reality there are no doves in our future
And No future for those imaginary symbols of love to inhabit
So, after our fun
I rise up and
Smile and
Say goodbye
Because no matter how hard I try I will
Never be your number one
And not looking back I’m
Back on the run
This time, not from your day one,
But from you, and your false illusion of love.