One answer to a twisted, perplexed question.
Why are you pale?
Choosing your words properly? Everything you say will be used for either reconstruction or destruction within me.
I want you close your eyes and think about this - horrible flashbacks.
I want you to feel the guilt you made me feel.
I'm not sure I deserved it.
Let's see how far your immaturity will take you.
Lee's watch your pride devour you.
It doesn't seem like I'll be getting closure
So I'll keep an eye on you
And watch you search for closure
Closure from yourself
From your own stupidity
Question your own actions
See what they costed you

i don't remember much about you
i grew to forget how your face looks
or what i was attractive to  
i don't remember much about anything about sixth grade
i try to not remember anything about sixth grade

but i remember
december being colder because of you
crying on christmas because of you
my mom driving me to my first therapy season because of you
the heartbreak i caused because of you
the friends i lost because of you  
the people i have hurt because of you
the hurt endured because of you
how everything hurts because of you

you don’t know the hurt
you never and will never know the hurt
you don’t even remember me
that is so unfair
you get to hurt and break and wreak me but
you get to forget me
forget how you touched me for the first time
forget how subtle you made it seem
forget how many times
forget how you took advantage of me

i wish i could forget that i loved you
i loved you
i once loved you
but how could that be  
                                                          how could you love the person
                                                          who took advantage of you?
                                                          how could you be so naive?
                                                          how could you be so stupid?

but i was twelve
how couldn’t i have been that stupid and nieve when i was twelve
i wasn’t even educated on what they were doing until i was a month shy of thirteen
therefore a twelve-year-old couldn’t have gone through that
therefore it is not real
therefore i lied

and so you continue
yet, i
i said stop
i said stop to you
i said i love you
but you should have of stopped.
you never stopped.
please stop.

then when you finally left
you did not take every piece of her
you left her hands
cold
freezing
winter
decemeber
hands
on my body
in my mind
and
i was left with the mess you made
the mess of everything you never and will never know about
and everything i am stuck remembering
the night my parents found me
you will never know why i was absent
you will never know the pain you've caused
the mess you have made
but i cleaned it up
by myself
because the people who could have stopped it
decided it was not real
it was not real
it
was
not
real
i wish you were not real

i am angry about what you did
and how you don’t even remember sixth grade
and how i am stuck with the aftermath
days, months, years, after
i don’t remember who i once fell in love with
or what i was attractive to
but i remember your touch
and the anger
the sadness,
the long-winded depression,
the loneliness,
the feeling of being useless
and unworthy
and the attempts,
and the pills,
and the scars,
and everything
but mostly, i wish i could remember you like the way you don’t remember the hurt, the break, and the wreckage you caused me.


                                                - to you, in hopes you one day understand the pain i felt and the ghost that will never leave because of the sadness you have caused me

My experience of love

I joined as an  Associate Manager in a firm,
We used to have parties in a year.
I used to make arrangement in Luxury way,
but one of my associate (she was beautiful and diplomatic)
always suggested me to spend
less on decoration, food, gifts..etc.
Her advice is 'Less is More'. I got irritated and
told her to mind her business.
Years went through,
I moved out of the branch.
I still invited for the parties and the problem
is whenever I been in the party,
she comes and tease me like talking to
everyone (except me) and sometimes hug them.
She never look into my eyes and
she avoided me particularly.
Its hurts a lot and also made me to
feel small in the party. So I said to my friends not
to call me for the party and explained
my inability to them. They agreed and
stopped calling me.

Few months before, one of my client called about
his daughter's wedding and likely to spend 2 million.
He can only mobilize 1.3 million and wanted me
to arrange loan for the rest. I told him to send the
details on Excel sheet. After going through,
I discussed with him about reducing the expenses and
advicing him about 'Less is More'. After the marriage,
the client invited me to his house gave a warm reception,
hugged me and praised the concept of 'Less is More'.
And that day onwards, I started passing the
concept of advice 'Less is More' to every client
and got appreciated. Then one fine day,
I started thinking, Why the same advice brought me
bad memory and when it worked nicely for others.
And it also costed me a relationship. I started respecting her
and its grown day by day and started loving her.

A few weeks back, there was a call from my
old office to join the party and assured she was not
participating in it.  I went to the party all went smooth.
Suddenly, she entered the party with well groomed Saree
and started to steal the attraction. Now, I am
even more disturbed coz I started loving her
and cannot take any more insult. and
I had no other choice decided to leave the party
but my friend explained that her presence is surprising
to them. then I had an another choice, to join another female
colleague to whom she doesn't have a proper terms.
This time, she never came close to me but that
female colleague said she is staring at us as if
she going to burn both. The party ended and I was waiting
alone at the office entrance for my friends to drop me.
Suddenly someone pushed me a little and left.  
I found it was her, she wiping her tears and
going to the car park. I went behind her and to ask what happened?.
She never responded and got into her car.
And, she almost banged me with her car and left.
I almost collapsed of her behavior and started to
walk alone to my home (its few kilometer away).
Thinking, thinking about the incident and
my perception slowly changed that…. 'LESS LOVE MEANS MORE'.

Numbing sends me crashing to pieces,
lungs fill up before I can scream,
light diminishes into darkness,
substance entered but refuses to release.

Colors now white flashes,
blood dips beneath my chest,
nobody's coming i have no contacts,
only my mothers ashes.

In my mind walls keep me bound,
with water soon to drown,
messed up broken needs a fix,
gotta break this glass so confound.

As water starts to over submerge,
a pulse breaks the glass setting me free,
opening my eyes these people standing before me,
weeping a funereal they all have to purge.

Still cannot speak but now can cry,
knowing people actually care,
never again shall I take a substance,
that costed me a near a goodbye.

For this next to me is a plug,
which might end up getting pulled,
even with my eyes open,
without movement they might just be misunderstood.

There’s a man lying on a bed
Next to him sat a lady within the blanket
Zapping a cigarette, he handed it to her
Sharing a secondhand smoke
And said
“I love lady with a brain.”
She hopped on his chest
Interlocking his lips without letting upcoming words slither.

Following day
There’s a man lying on a bed
Next to him sat another lady
It costed thirthy nine seconds to forementioned lady
Rushed into the room
Bursted in tears
Recalling sugar coated lines the man had retorted.
“It was literally.”

She asked him why would he do such thing
And he replied
“Lemme get the bulb outta my head first.”

The last thing he’d remember
Was sharp pinch
Beneath his necktape
And there’s a lady
Whispered
“It was literally, darling.”

The movie speaks
In silence screams
That encapsulates the feeling of the moment.
A black and white
Scene plays out
And I see the sorrow pour.

The reflection of the many lives that costed during
The era
Reflects on the black and white dots
That move around on my screen.

Wilhelm.
******.
Mussolini.
Gallipoli.
The Somme.

It's funny how they don't speak
But the black and white dots that
Dance
And flickers on my screen,
Tells the unfortunate story
Of the contextual history

That lies behind,
The black and white dots that
Strafes on my screen.

21 November 2012 *

We see it fallin' down like an old tower
Took it for granted, all b'yond our power
We never saved it, thought t’was b'yond repair
But the next things took us unprepared

I want to begin again, despite the worry
By sayin', I’m wholeheartedly sorry
For bein’ so coward and disdain
I know it costed you so much pain

I want to begin again, as long as it takes
By acknowledgin' these simple mistakes
And hope you’d forgive 'n' forget
These faults are mine alone to regret

I want to begin again, after all
Like the first time we met last Fall
T’was fated, but still feels surreal
T’is heart— hope will mend ‘n’ heal

I want to begin again, like this
When we have no one to diss
Like the last time we met in the house
When all the anger ‘n’ aches arouse

I want to begin again, without a clue
By bein' honest, simple, and true
B’cause they don’t know about us
Our nightmares turn from dreams to dusts

My lips tell it’s no joke to me
Take a look into my eyes and you’ll see
Can we do it all over again, minus the pain?
B’cause I just want us to begin again

There’s the death waiting to pounce over,
Only left is the aftermath of the tides left over.
She lay isolated far away from mankind,
She was the loving and dedicated nurse of a kind.
A deadly virus had spread the blanket over her.
Probably her inner conscience spoke of,
The limited time left with her,
Battling the Nipah virus will be soon over.

She committed herself to the thankless profession.
Had she not nursed the deadly virus affected patient,
Perhaps she would have been alive here today.
Too late, she realized that the same had taken
Over the life of her patient.
She felt saddened yet unknown to her was,
The virus had already infected her blood.

She never knew it would be her turn to bid bye.
Just a day ago she had fever,
Yet ignoring her health she continued her work.
Finally, her health started deteriorating,
So she got admitted in the same hospital.
She found herself in an isolated ward,
Which made her realize she too contracted the same.

Her husband has been just a wall away.
Though she wanted to see him and her little children.
But thinking of their security she paused there for moments.
She knew her fate was holding her hand to death.
Then she scribbled just few words for her beloved at the last!

Only we can pray today is “May her soul Rest In Peace!”

                           All Rights Reserved!

The young dedicated Indian nurse Lini Puthussery from Kerala needed to be applauded, awarded for her selfless service which costed her dear life while treating Nipah virus affected patient. She was attached to Perambara’s Tukul hospital
in Kozhikode, Calicut. We appreciate the young woman’s dedication to her thankless profession.
The Nipah virus infection, spread mainly by fruit bats and has symptoms like breathing trouble, brain swelling, fever, headache, drowsiness, disorientation and delirium. A patient can fall into coma within 48 hours. It travels through direct contact with a patient. There is no vaccine for Nipha virus yet, as per World Health Organization.

Courtesy Google!

The Historian

Rain falls steadily, wind torments the trees, thunder cracks the sky and lightening dancing paints the earth as I pull up and park outside of my boss’s home.
Tonight, is not a good night to be caught outside on a roam.
A positive note, my boss’s house has a front door made out of chrome.
His front yard is littered with creepy gnomes.

My wife gives me a look wondering why we are here and questioning my sanity.
I reassure her my boss is a good man and has a heart filled with love by Christianity.
She tells me believing in a mystical being is a form of insanity.
I tell her to stop with the blasphemy,
my boss is a good man whom has never uttered a single profanity.
My boss is better than both of us single handily.
Three months ago, he hired me into his company after a long period of unemployment and has ever since treated me like family.
He has exceeded all of my former bosses combined actually.
My wife has no need to worry, she needs to get over the delusional fantasy
she’s playing over and over again in her head callously.

I walk with my wife hand in hand up to the front door and knock.
My wife frowns at me and tells me we don’t belong on this block.
My boss invited us for dinner, we won’t be turning that down,
besides, he’s the only person I can truly call a friend in this town.
He picked me up from the ashes and filled my life with hope.
A few more days of struggle and hardship and I’m afraid you would have found me hanging from a rope.
This man saved my life in my most dire time of need.
We owe him more than we can ever pay, even if my wife may not agree.

My boss answers the door with a friendly hello and a warm smile.
I look at my wife and smile to show her she has no reason to be hostile.
***** needs to loosen up and enjoy the night,
but she’s put off by the fact that we are people of color and my boss is white.
Racist ******* she needs to get over because there is no place for it here,
or I will pierce her heart and soul with a slanders venom laced spear.

We walk inside where I immediately notice a large collection of historical artifacts.
Based on the outside, I was expecting an interior with a bit more pomp and circumstance.
Old flags and pictures line the interior.
Still, my home feels rather inferior.

“Thank you for coming tonight Antonio.
Dinner will be ready shortly.
If you don’t mind, allow me to show you a couple rooms of my beautiful home.
Outside of work, things work a little differently deep down in my dome.
I’m an history fanatic and have a large collection of historical artifacts.
My collection is so massive I often feel like I’ve gone slightly manic.
Here, follow me and I’ll give you a brief tour of a couple rooms.
I promise these rooms are fun to be in and are nothing like a tomb.”

We walk into a room where I discover it contains a large collection of American Revolutionary War artifacts.
They are many pictures hanging on the wall, each with a plague underneath it explaining some facts.
George Washington,
Thomas Jefferson,
Benjamin Franklin,
John Adams,
Thomas Hutchinson
Joseph Brant,
along with Thomas Paine and his common sense.
There are old fire arms, books, clothing and flags.
I’m sure all of these items costed a pretty little price tag.

I exit the room and walk into the next room to discover…
A **** themed room and dedication to the holocaust.
My wife walks in behind me, I can feel her heart skip a few beats.
She stares at me and gives me a glare that’s not so nice.
There is a large picture of Adolf ****** hanging on the wall.
I swallow my spit, take a deep breath as my nerves act up and fear begins to crawl
up my spinal cord.
There are many more rooms left in this house, but after this room I no longer feel a need to explore.
Multiple **** flags pollute the room.
This room is a lot to take in and consume.
My boss (Nathan Kline) has written speeches of Adolf ****** framed and hung on the wall.
I’m not sure how anyone would react to this room except with appall.

“Antonio, I see you found my **** artifact room.
The look on your face is concerning to me and I admit that this room can be a lot to consume,
but it’s not to be taken in a negative way.
I’m a history nut, both good history and the bad, what else can I say?
What the ****’s and ****** did were terrible and beyond words and this room is not to honor them.
This room is to preserve this part of our history, as bad as it is, so we learn from it and don’t make the same mistake ever again, that’s the place of my heart this room is coming from.
Listen, you guys must be starving, what do you say we go eat some delicious food and talk about some brighter topics?
Maybe you can tell me about some of your interests and hobbies and teach me about a topic in which I’m a novice.”
My wife looks at me, a fire burning in her eyes.
Once we leave here, she’s either going to rip me apart or break down and cry.
She forces a smile, grabs my arm and tells me it’s time to join our host for dinner.
She knows how to hide displeasure and fake kindness, she’s no beginner.

We follow Nathan to the dining room to discover an older gentleman already seated at the table.
He radiates a warm smile in our direction, he seems rather graceful.

“Antonio, Katrina, it’s my pleasure to introduce you to world renowned neurosurgeon, Dr. James Allen Blake.
I invited him here tonight to enjoy this wonderful feast we are about to share that’s center pieced by a one of a kind steak.
Dr. Blake and I have been friends for many years.
He knows all of my darkest secrets, all of my loves and fears.”

“Antonio, Katrina, it’s my pleasure the meet the two of you.
I am a neurosurgeon, that part is true,
but what Nathan has neglected to tell you is…I’m retired!
Just recently actually and now I’m trying to find new activities to do to fill all of my new found free time that I’ve acquired rather undesired.
This dinner is a celebration of my long career and also a celebration of making new friends,
so, cheers to the two of you and thank you for joining us here tonight.”
We shake Dr. Burke’s hand then take a seat at the table ready to eat.
I’m glad to hear we are having steak, it’s my favorite meat.
A gentleman of color walks in from out of the kitchen carrying a bottle of the finest wine.
His eyes are cold, he doesn’t smile, I wonder if he’s mentally fine.
He pours the four of us a glass of wine then departs without saying a word.
Do I bring up his demeanor with Nathan or do I defer?
**** it, I’ll ask.
I want to know why his face looks like he just got done surviving doomsday.

“Not the friendliest person is he,” I mention nodding in the direction of the man from the kitchen.

“That’s just how Robert is, it takes him awhile to warm up to new people.
Once he opens up you will realize his heart is full of love and not evil.
Besides, he is the best cook I have ever met.
I made his acquaintance during a time when he was working 60 hours a week and still struggling to pay rent.
I went out eat at this run-down restaurant over on 9th and hilltop and the food was fantastic.
Honestly, I was expecting it to taste like plastic.
I was so impressed that I asked the waitress if I could talk with the cook.
He came out, I told him how great his food was.  He thanked me then told me that no matter how hard he worked there, every day he was still broke.
I made him an offer to come cook dinner for me five nights a week and he accepted and walked out the restaurant right then and there with me.
When he walked out of that place, it was like a giant weight was lifted off of him and suddenly he was free.
He started cooking for me the very next day and has been here ever since.
He may have been taken for granted at that restaurant, but here he’s treated like a prince.
Sure, he’s a bit rough around the edges but he’s a good man.
Taking care of him like he takes care of me is my plan.
Now that we have wine, how about a toast.
Here is to my new friends Antonio and Katrina, to you Dr. Burke and to our wonderful cook…cheers!”

Katrina and I take a big sip of the wine then set the glass down.
The wine is good enough to serve to the royal crown.
Nathan and James sit their glasses down without taking a drink.
That’s strange…I begin to think.
I go to ask why they didn’t take a drink but begin to feel light headed.
Katrina looks at me frightful, eyes cold blooded.
She tells me she doesn’t feel well, stands up to go to the bathroom but collapses and falls hard to the floor.
I go to get up to help her but I’m suddenly brought down to all fours.
I crawl over to her as Nathan appears over us.
He tells us we have something to discuss.

“Antonio, Katrina, please look each other in the eyes.
Take a moment because this is your only chance to say goodbye.
You are about to pass out and when you awake…
well you will no longer be you.
Dr. Burke is going to rewire your brains to make you perfectly obedient slaves for me.
The life you know it is over, you will no longer be free.
You two won’t even recognize each other after this, you will be complete strangers who’s only objective is to serve me without question.
I’m sorry if you feel like this is oppression.
It was actually Dr. Burke’s suggestion
to rewire *******’ brains to make them slaves again.
I must admit, with Robert, it turned out to be a great plan.
With you two, I’m sure it will work just as well.
Well enjoy the last few seconds you have left to dwell.”

I look my wife in the eye and can see the terror that has overcome her.
Never in my wildest imagination did I think something like this would occur.
Nathan treated me like family, but it was all for show.
He will ultimately pay the price for his actions here tonight after he dies and Satan ***** him in the *** while playing a banjo!
I reach out my arm and hold my wife’s hand one final time
as the world around fades to black.

“James, when you are done and have them ready for me, meet me in the master bedroom with them.”
----------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------------

I enter the master bedroom the admire the work James has done for me.

“Pretty impressive, don’t you agree?”

Antonio and Katrina appear emotionless and cold.
They are firmly under my control.
I say hello to greet the pair.
They respond with a hello master then bow down and kiss my shoe.

“I’m very happy to have the two of you here.”

“We are here to serve you and satisfy you in every way possible master.”

“Antonio, I would like you to begin cleaning all of the toilets in the house using a toothbrush and cleaner.”
He promptly agrees and departs to do just that, “thank you Antonio I love your demeanor.
Katrina, you sure are you cute little thing.
What would you do to please your king?”

“Anything you wish sir; your happiness is all I care about.”

“That is the correct answer Katrina, now how about you get a little bit more comfortable and take your clothes off.”

Katrina immediately stirps down to nothing and stands **** in front of me.
This is the way I always want her to be…
Naked and pleasing me in my bed.
I hope she gives great head.
Don’t patronage me for this.
Washington, Jefferson and all of our forefathers had slaves and procreated with the females.
They had many children with them.
Katrina will provide me with many of my own.
She is a fine little specimen.
Nice tight body, firm ***, perky ****, she’s going to be a fun ride.

“Get in bed Katrina and start ******* yourself I’ll be right there to make love to you.
Thank you for everything you have done here James, I can’t ever express my gratitude in the appropriate way.”

“Well when the time comes for you to return the favor I will call on you.
As for now, I will leave you be with your new toy so get busy kid!”

She hung by a thread to her sanity
Constantly staring in the mirror she realized her vanity
But if what they call her is "vain"
Then there must be more than one definition to that name
Because her sense of self is "skewed" and "inaccurate"
But to her it's all she knows and she's quite aspirant
Ready for change and to be a new version of herself
Hardly caring about her deteriorating health
Walking into the health club already exhausted
Not understanding how much it has costed
Not with money or credit but with physical wellbeing
Not heeding her body's warnings or in the mirror seeing
Her hair is thin and no longer growing in places
She compares her pale skin to the other people's faces
She puts ******* down her throat in the hope to purge up a candy bar
Convinced her calorie count was taken too far
Her nails chip far too easy
And the thought of eating makes her queezy
Yet the stress encompassing her life pushes her to binge
Hundreds into thousands the floodgates unhinge
Never for sustenance, always for taste
Each and every calorie is a ginormous waste
She collapsed on the Stairmill and in embarrassment and rage
Exited the gym floor as though it were left-center stage
With poise and a smile she laughed as they stared
She grabbed all her gear and left as they glared
When she got to the car she was nothing but angry
Pushing too hard her body sat blankly
Breathing was difficult and by speaking she was pained
Every ounce of her life force felt utterly drained
Her skin can no longer take the lack of nutrition
And her eyes are wavering as she tries to focus her vision
She used to be a student with straight A intent
But all she can think about is the next meal and its scent
Forgetting the most basic things about her day
She forgets how to write and takes a derivative the wrong way
People look puzzled as she waves off their concerns
While in her stomach and throat a deep hunger burns
She stares once again at her monstrous reflection
Grabbing and poking at her bulging midsection
Now huddled on the ground she stares at the ceiling
Entering a loose dreamy feeling
On the brink of unconsciousness she extends her hand skyward
Only then realizing that down to her soul she is tired

Mommy left when I was young
But daddy never cared
And I don't know what's worse of the two evils
Because daddy let my skin bloom in violet stains
But mommy...well I guess mommy was mentally deranged
I learned from a young age
That I'm the only one I got
So if you thought
I needed you
I don't because I've fought
For my spot
With everything that I got
And you're not the only one who's lies I bought
But I've learned
Trust is earned
And I'll never give it away again
countless times I've been burned
I'm exhausted
From everything it's costed
I'm done
You've won

I don’t care
About your perception of my
Saccharin sentimentality
But I know
That on the day
That humanity kills the last Tiger
That the beauty in the world
Will have gone
Our science-fiction
Will start to be fact
And magnificence
Will be only ours to create
Melancholy though it will be
If we are to be Gods
And make this world our concrete
Functional costed playground
Then the poetry will need
to be **** good
The music  
Better
And we will need to
Reconnect with something
That will make it all
bearable  
forgiveable
and worthwhile

"you loved me for a year
I might not have known it, but you loved me.
We would talk and talk for hours,
Hold our breath until we could see each other
Over skype of course, but see each other
Nontheless.
Then you did something stupid. You made mistakes.
Painful mistakes. Mistakes that costed trust.
I got angry, I laid into you with words that cut you deep, but I didn't care.
If I did, I didn't show you.
You tried so hard to make it right. You said you'd do anything,
Anything for me.
I still turned up my nose.
You pleaded and begged, you wanted so bad to fix what we had
But still I refused.
And I keep refusing."

You, after so long of thinking yourself the victim,
Have become aggressor.

What a fool
I knew it then and there
I could feel it through your lips
I herd it in your stagnant heart beat
While mine pounded away
filling the room to the top
I had been resisting so long
I am only human
I couldn’t push your hands away
I put them on me
Because your mind had already been there
I won’t know the full worth till I see your face again
If I get that same look out of you then I’ll know
I’ll know what that really costed me
Was it worth it
I use to think so
Till now

Cut and sold, costed and old,
touch never sweetened,
touch never to bare.
Painted reactions ran fickle of significance,
painted sorrows resented to vain and blank stares.

Proceed, proceed, my dear,
the wrong is never as it seems in an affair;
never black, blue, nor purple.
But proceed to the concealed air,
but proceed to the loss of a prevailing simper.
Purely flee from such unsuspected,
where the finding of such dear had disappeared.

In the baking heat & undefeated.
There in the pouring rain.
Frozen in the ice without shame.

Winter brings an eery chill.
Summer has free will.
Spring you hear angels sing.
Autumn is where flowers bloom.
Fall is dead leaves near tombs.

A life is not yours to take.
A crime is what that would be at stake.
In more ways than one he destroyed my life.

It costed alot & I will never get over it.
Shattered pieces bit by bit.
I will carry it the rest of my life.

You can decide some to create.
Babies are easy to make.

The trees conceal karma's possum.
What causes a shade of black & blue.
Anything the wind blows on your doorstep & there it blew.
Poison in the stew.
If only death of his could save you.
Don't know what your going to do.
Sometimes it takes not one but two.
An unknown hero would be who?
Unseen danger affects more than a few.
Not very many people knew.

Tell me, little brother of mine
How can I repay you?
All the things I stole
I can’t give it back at all


How can I make you forgive?
All the sins I made
Didn’t just cause you grief
But also wasted your breath


How could I make amend?
When everything's will never fall into place
What costed was your dear life
No matter what I couldn't return back


Tell me, what should I do?
Mother’s death cursed us two
And in vain I also drag you
I'm sorry your brother is a fool


Oh dearest mother so sweet
When you're gone we'd been incomplete
Back to the years we are one
Now we're divided and nothing can be done


Don't cry my big brother
Neither you nor I were innocent
Shed in blood our past is
Both of us are to be blamed


Clinging to that desire
Both of us took that crooked path
And fell to the hell we made
Since that day we are dead


That sin of yours is a sin of mine
We can't erase the things we did
But the future, we can still change
Isn't it right brother?


Oh dearest mother so sweet
When you're gone we'd been incomplete
Back to the years we are one
Now we're divided and nothing can be done


To where will we go?
When there's no place we belong to
Walking to the thorny path
Our shoulders feels so heavy


Blinded by that old dream
What was lost is forever gone
Can we ever go back to those times?
Mother we're sorry


We may not be whole
But two is always better than one
So let's start to forget and forgive
Even the past couldn't be fixed
All we had to do is to live

We confidently dove into the blue river-
The two of us, swimmers at heart.
It didn’t matter that sometimes we shivered,
We never wanted to be apart.

Now you say there’s too much of a current.
But... you told me before, that you were a swimmer.
What you said to me that those other girls weren’t,
You said that I was. I was your winner.

So you ask to let go; you say you’re exhausted
And you want the current to take you away.
But I am afraid- what has this costed?
Will going with the river cause us to decay?

I wrap myself in sizes too big because that’s how I see myself.
For surely if they see me this big,
When I reveal my true self it won’t be as bad.
I smother my hips, stomach, shape because
I can’t get past the fact that I hate myself.
Looking in the mirror makes me cringe.
That’s what I look like?

Why can’t I wear cloths in my size?
Why am I afraid to go into changing rooms?
It makes me want to scream when I walk away from a store, that my friends, sister, mother bring me into, so I can find my style.
I will stick with this t-shirt that costed a dollar.

They think it’s easy for me to walk away.
They believe I am being over dramatic.
But I can’t walk into a changing room without worrying if I really fit into anything.
I don’t want to disappoint them when it turns out I’m too fat.
Even if I do fit…
My skin feels like it’s showing too much.
“Watch out for those massive arms dot.”
Right. Thank you.

When will I love myself again?
Writing this made me feel semigood again.
With prom coming up and all my friends wanting to look for dresses,
I am terrified.
Petrified.
Mortified.
Horrified.
Every word that ends with “-fied!”

I will not cry in another changing room.
I will not cry.
I will.

You were (are) my best friend,
I really thought it was us (you and I) till the end,
You knew (know) what goes on in my head.
You cared (care?) when I was happy or sad,
I could never (ever) remain mad.

You know, something terrible has occurred,
I'm not (you are) the one getting lectured.
You called (please call!) me your angel and your everything.
....I'm too afraid to try and do a thing...
You don't talk to me and whenever I actually try,
I often end up surrounded by strangers (not you) as I cry.

You look tired and exhausted,
I set up that stupid chat room and look what it costed.
You're seeming able to walk and talk without any pain,
I have lost my everything, with nothing to gain.
You probably don't miss me,
I'm glad you're (finally!) free.

You no longer have to constantly reassure (love) this one.
I just can't seem to get over you and be done.
You were (are?) protective and sweet,
I don't if  Im glad (sad?) we did meet.
You were my most peaceful balm but now the most painful thing,
I doubt I'll ever see those eyes light up with that special 'bing'.

Your meaningful (less?) silence is killing me,
I  don't want to take the signs and just let you be.
Your lack of works is telling me to just stop already and go,
I'm screaming (not that you can hear) no, no, no.

the memories are flooding in
tears cover her pillow, and her cheeks
she's gone down, deep
too far in her past... gone
she tries to lift her head only to have a memory remind her she isn't allowed to feel the happiness she once possessed
she caused herself pain and misery
"lies" that costed her everything
she could have just held on, bit her tongue and dealt with it... but she let go
the drinking and the drugs took her away from the only thing she knew
but yet drowned her sorrow and helped her forget her surroundings as she so wished and begged her mind to do... it just wasn't enough
now she sits in a room... with memories as her drug
addicted to the pain she's caused herself unable to return
maybe... just maybe she soon will learn how to do what the liquor and drugs did with the memories...
fade away.

So take a deep breath
the wave is hitting
it's a new beginning.
I've fallen so far
that falling stars are nothing
but dust tossing in the air
just praying on prayers to save the day.
Blink, because my heart is still there;
the air I breathe are still memories of them
like how often I found myself lost on thoughts
nothing to break away from all that I've felt.
The mistakes costed relationships like an iceberg,
as fights burst, trying to survive the titanic.
A didactic tone to reassure my mental state
that this rental hate is just driven away
by her smile, her warm personality and her presence.
The essence of her ability and her personality...
I watch the waves crash against the shore
skies tumble and fall as thoughts of her emerged,
perverse the course of how things were meant to be.
I dare not watch her say goodbye, nor choose life without
but clouded doubt still seeps between the crevice of my brain,
afraid that the same mistake occur like two doves in one stone
leads to a dove-less world.

I'm afraid of speaking my mind,
blind to how my lips must move
or do I choose to motion words
that hurt not only me but others.

I'm afraid of speaking my mind,
the silence binds my lips sealed tight
and at night I hear the echoes of wind
win a one sided fight against the trees,
the bees and the birds missing in flight
as a lamp-light overcasts a broken shadow
of a man hugging himself in tears.

I hate to confess it
but my honest guess
is that man is lost....
because that man is me.

I'm a monster and I shall be slain like one
so as lights gone, please someone swing
a ring that weds me to the eternal end,
pretend that I am nor human nor soul
just a hole filled with nothing but decay
and mistakes left to rot...

But don't slay me, for I have so much to see
so much green left in nature and life,
a light almost vanishing yet clinging on
so swing along with the flick of a switch
that enriches the darker colours with light.
For tonight, I love and hate myself.
So help...switch on or off the light,
for I dare not ask...

who am I ?? A star or a monster??

Hype beast, hype beast
He's wearing ***** Nikes
Daddy wasn't there
So he's not acting very nicely.
Its likely, likely his room is sure a mess
But he's feeling real clean
Cause it's all in how he dress.

***** pack across his chest
Ego real big
Man he feels like he's he best
But he's just a P.O.S.
And never any less
Cause it's all in how he dress.

"Give me that new season
I can't wait until it drop.
Limited edition
400 bucks so I can cop.
I want the most exclusive thing.
*****, my styles so supreme."
"Sole purpose to impress all these self-conscious depressed *******
And when I'm feeling threatened
I resort to molesting pretty misses."

Diluted street wear Nike s.b.
Whatchu' coppin' on this drop?
I rock hyped ****
Just so I can get the props
Got no self worth and it costed me a lot.
No personality?
***** look at what I bought.

We're standing on the opposite shores of a sea made of our differences
And we have no ships to sail across
We lost our love amid that sea
And into its depth
Sank our story and our memories
We were no divers
No swimmers or sailors
We were simple people who were afraid of water
Afraid to leave the safety of the land
And that fear costed us each other
When an earthquack set the land apart
How I wished you could come
Cross a bridge made of love
Plant a kiss on my cheek
And wipe away the farewell tears
But you never did
Nor was I brave enough to do it myself
We should have built a ship
Or overcame our fears and learned to swim
But instead we decided to quit
It is not you to blame
And it is not me
It is just the big blue sea
A sea, and a whole lot of fear.