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stargazer Apr 2019
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"The most important part, is the part that hurts"




~John Green
This quote just hit home

Book recommended: Turtles All the Way Down.
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stargazer Jan 2020
0
even 'zero' has
an 'are'

all i have is
a 'was'
stargazer Feb 2020
all of our memories
are reconstructions
of things
we think to be

maybe that's why
i thought
we'd always be a
we
stargazer May 2018
Our hearts are such fragile things
But they will not be swayed
They soar like a pair of wings
They won't be disobeyed

Our hearts break
When they crack, they don't go back
Our hearts ache
They won't give in, until they win

I've tried many times
To defy the wishes of my heart
I've paid the price of my crimes
The consequences are ****

No matter how many times I deny
It becomes no less true
My silence you need not buy
I have already given it to you

I can't even lie to myself
No matter how I try
To put my emotions on a shelf
To tell them goodbye

I cannot deny
The feelings inside
I try and try
But they will not hide
The heart is a steadfast thing. Take care of it, and don't deny it anything.
stargazer May 2018
I wish there was more
I wish surprise was at my door

I want to see everything
If I could I would sing

And no one could stop me
I'd be totally free

If only there was more
If I had a little more in store
I get bored too easily. Routines will be the death of me :}
stargazer May 2018
Your demons
Your monsters
Your heathens

They all have something in common, you see
When you don't believe, they cease to be
You are the only one stoking the flames.
stargazer May 2018
The stars will not tell you anything,
if you know not how to read them.
Words on a page will say nothing to you,
if you cannot interpret the language.
The same is how life works.
You cannot expect to understand someone,
if you know not their hardship.
You will never be able to love someone,
without first falling for them.
In a world of instant gratification,
these concepts are hard to grasp,
and therefore rejected.
Because it is easier to ignore the truth.
Easier.
More convenient.
Less effort required.
These things make an idea more appealing.
When all they really do is limit our ability.
Our ability to think,
feel,
know,
anything for ourselves.
The things that we believe extend our freedom,
only serve to slowly diminish it.
Bit
by
bit.
It's funny how things happen so slowly that we barely even notice them. Until it's already too late, of course
stargazer Feb 2020
you leave my flannel
hanging up with your clothes
it was my favourite,
and you were too

its only company
is my heart
which you left in the corner of your closet
to gather spiderwebs
stargazer Feb 2020
you wore my
blue flannel
and i wore my
smile
trying to fix things
stargazer May 2018
Please
Try not to make decisions when you are sad
Tears blur your vision
One of the cruel ironies of life: when you are sad, the time when you most want to make a decision (in some cases, anyway), it is the worst time to choose something.
stargazer Apr 2020
people don't label my pain
as real as others

but i promise, it's just as lethal
4-30-2020
stargazer Sep 2018
Can't get enough air
Puts a smile on anyway
Skin becomes more fair
With each breath taken away

Don't look too close
You'll see through the cracks
Sadness overdose
Hidden with a mask

Tears held in
Barely holding on
Can't let the demons win
Must survive another dawn

Can't breathe
Getting faint
Too much
Too much
Can't breathe

Can't breathe

Takes the knife
Slices the skin
Maybe now the air can get in

Smiles
A real smile

Covered in blood

A last grin of relief

Maybe now I can breathe
I open my skin so I can breathe
stargazer May 2018
I put myself together
Over and over
Bruised, bent, and broken
The damage I cannot reckon

I fix myself everyday
Always broken a different way
Pretending I'm okay

I am a broadway star
My acting is steallar
I never miss a cue
In anything I do

The lights come on
A smile I dawn
Impressing the crowd
Their cheers grow loud

Time for the finishing act
This requires wit and tact
I take a slow, careful bow
I see a girl in the crowd mouth, 'wow'
stargazer May 2018
Looked into my eyes
You said, "I will be okay"
I don't believe you
          ~
Worried myself sick
I am tired of these lies
Just let me help you
          ~
You don't say a word
I just see it in your face
Sadness spreads from you
          ~
I am here for you
Please, please, please remember that
My heart can't take it
Tell me if my syllables are off. I get caught up in the pretty words sometimes :)
stargazer May 2018
Your eyes set me on fire
But instead of putting me out,
You watched me burn




And now I am nothing but dust
The flames of the unrequited lovers burn bright and hot and everywhere
stargazer Feb 2020
i think so

because despite everything
you've put it through
my heart
still loves you
been a time...
stargazer Jul 2018
Someone hands me a problem
All wrapped in distress
Packaged in pain
"Can you carry this"

I see the hurt in their eyes
From carrying everything so long
I take the parcel with a smile
"Don't worry at all"

"Can you carry this?"
Another asks
Holding out a bag of sorrow
Laced with depression

"Of course"
I say
Without another thought

They relax
As the pack goes from their back
To mine

I sink lower to the ground

"Can you carry this"
Holding out a burden of self resentment
Tied with a ribbon of anxiety

"Definitely"
A little more won't **** me

The burden is set down on my shoulders
I get a little heavier
My bones aching with the weight
My feet digging cracks in the pavement

I paste a smile on my face

Then you come around
"Can you carry this?"

I took one look in your eyes
"Yes"

Your sack was the heaviest of them all
Grief
Shame
Heartache
Anguish
Torture

My very essence trembled
Under the weight
Of your burden

I was close to the breaking point

But you needed me,
So I carried on

Pretending that I could bear it all
stargazer May 2018
Some people long for stability,
a life of surety.
Not me.
Give me chaos,
havoc,
ruin.
Let me see the darkest dark,
the deepest despair,
the loneliest separation.
Because if all you had was sunshine,
how would you appreciate the glow?
If there was no storm,
how would you know the beauty of the calm?
If there was no sadness,
would happy still be happy?
If we knew no lows,
how would we know when we were high?
So give me all of the chaos,
all of the havoc,
all of the ruin.
And that way I will truly have everything.
Everything.
That way I will live fully.
People that have not had hard times, have not yet lived.
stargazer May 2018
ON THE EDGE
IN DANGER OF COLLAPSE
IS THIS how it ends?
perhaps
stargazer Feb 2020
i bleed in a lovely chorus
that haunts my resonant lungs
striking harmonies in my veins

my broken bones crackle percussively
throbbing through my muscles
creating a beat felt in the depths of my gut

every time i break
music erupts
from the pieces

and for you
i will become
the most beautiful song
stargazer May 2018
Dear Death,
It seems as if everyone holds a grudge against you.
You have taken someone from everyone.
You have even taken everyone from someone.
Some threads you cut short.
Others evade your fatal scissors for longer.
But everyone's thread demands to be severed.
But I wonder if you are only doing your masters bidding?
Are you just a puppet on strings?
A thread yourself, to be maneuvered freely into a tapestry by a higher master?
Being blamed,
mocked,
ridiculed,
just for following orders?
It's like punishing the soldier for the general's war crimes.
Or are you the puppetmaster?
The keeper of all of the strings?
Do you control the balance of the universe?
Do you send the demons to do your bidding, or do you do the demons work?
There is so much that is unknown about you.
We talk about you like we have solved your puzzle,
but you are a labyrinth,
everchanging,
everlasting.
I hope one day we can appreciate your mystery.

Sincerest regards,
Humanity
Death has taken, taken, taken. Death takes, takes, takes. But do we really know why?
stargazer May 2018
Dear Love,
People search for you.
They look in the faces on the street trying to find you.
People lose you.
You fade away from them, leaving them only with grief.
What they don't understand is that you are everywhere.
You are in every fibre of the universe.
People just don't think to look.
They think that you are just an emotion to be felt.
Just the pounding of a heart,
the quickening of breath,
the eruption of butterflies in a stomach.
You are all of those things, but so much more.
You are the sun's rays on the wet earth.
You are the branches of a tree, stretching outward,
outward.
You are the whisper of a child late at night when awoken by nightmares and in need of their mother's comforting arms.
You are the hand of a painter.
You are the mind of a genius.
You are passion, though not always held passionately.
You are devotion, though not always devoted to.
You are reverence, though not always revered.

Sincerest regards,
Humanity
Try not to just look at the romance in Love. There is so much more she has to offer.
stargazer May 2018
Dear Time,
So many have sought to escape you.
Either that, or they want more of you.
They beg in desperation.
You turn your icy shoulder,
denying them in their cries for mercy.
In the end, you claim everyone for your own.
Wearing them down until they are nothing but bone,
and after that you grind them into nothing.
You rob people of their long lives.
You move quick and just out of reach.
Unless there is suffering,
then you move like a calm lake,
slow,
contemplating.
I understand.
You just want to feel wanted.
You are tired of being used,
wasted,
ignored,
taken for granted.
This unappreciation comes from every direction.
Squeezing you tight into a box of neglect.
You just want to show them.
To make them see.
To make them pay attention.
Their grief.
Their hatred.
Their longing.
But you are like the hammer to the nail.
It is hard for the nail to appreciate the hammer,
no matter it's intentions.
The hammer wants them to appreciate it,
after all,
it is putting them to good use.
But all the nail sees is the method.
Never the outcome.

Sincerest regards,
Humanity
Time is screwy, and messes with all of us, but consider a different perspective. Or don't.
stargazer May 2018
I used to dream but now I know
Dreams are just ignorant nightmares
Just ideas with nowhere to go
And no one who really cares

I want to have hope
I wish for a light
But depression says, "nope"
I'm left in the darkness of night

I cry alone
So no one hears
I'm on my own
To face my fears

Suffer in silence
Let no one see
This became my guidance
And then my reality
Depression ***** :)
stargazer May 2018
My breath rushed out of my lungs all at once,
an ocean of air flooding from my mouth.
Shock waves crashed over me.
The pure wonder that enveloped me was like
wind.
All sensation, with no time to think.
Just pressing,
flowing,
feeling.
In the moment I felt helpless.
Lost at sea,
wave after wave pounding,
pushing me from the surface.
Trying to breathe,
gasping,
flailing,
desperate.
Panic seized the depths of my mind,
each a sharp needle,
stabbing,
digging into the flesh of my brain.
I began to crumble from the weight of it all.
All of the expectations,
secrets,
lies,
mysteries,
everything.
Everything.
T­he weight of everything crushed me.
Dust to dust.
Nothing more.
stargazer Dec 2019
the sunlight was so loud
but i couldn't hear it
because it doesn't shine
on me
when you aren't around
you are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you make me happy
when skies are grey
you'll never know, dear
how much i love you
please don't take my sunshine away
stargazer Jan 2020
you are so sweet
yet so bad for me

you taste so secretive
so deliciously mine
but you're only a recipe
for a broken heart

no matter how many times
i put you on my tongue
you drench it in your savoury promises
that you'll never keep
leaving me empty
with desire

and somehow, i can never say

'no'
****.
stargazer Nov 2019
i stare at the pen in my hands
and think

i'd give
just about anything
to write my life
in

pencil
i can't seem to stop ******* up
stargazer May 2018
Just when we think everything has been said
Someone says something new
When we think everything has been done
There is something to do

We don't fully comprehend the meaning of everything
We use the term so casually
But really we don't undersatnd
Everything happens gradually
stargazer Aug 2018
sp1nning
fluctuat1ng
all around me

the 1mages never stay the same
as soon as 1 think 1 see 1t
1t changes
a small shift
throwing my percept1on 1nto a d1zzying dance

c1rcular room
m1rrors enfolding me
1n a reflect1ve embrace

1 see myself
warped
1n a million d1fferent places
a superf1c1al 1mage of me

the embrace of the m1rrors
turns strangling
constr1cting snapshots of my face

gasp1ng
chok1ng
for air

but relief does not come

1 am encased in a million different vers1ons of myself
who am 1
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