Here I go once again
I'm currently preparing for pain.

Late nights haunt me
With memories of old conversations
With people I used to know

I remember the ways
I used to look at them
And how dumb I was
And how dumb they were

The names and faces
Old friends and would-have-been lovers
Ring and ring into my head like church bells
Before the Sunday mass would start

They echo in the halls of my mind
Like noise in school corridors
Or cars honking in parking lots
Or even guns at a shooting range

I live with these ghosts
Who sing about the friendly insults
And misunderstandings
And shattered hearts

May God be with me.

Come with me
Through the noise
And the disarray

The deafening tones
Of screaming children
And dying adults
(Millennials probably
We both know
That they never
Shut up)

The world
Around ourselves
Is a path
Of broken glass
Atop coal embers,
So I beg you
To hold my hand
And walk through them
With me

I'm out of words
I'm out of love

I need something
To be thinking of

I need to write
For it's in my soul,

But what's in my heart
Is a gaping hole

I'm forcing myself to write
Oh god, it hurts. *****.

Where was the blood that used to flow?
It's thinned out. Why is that so?

Do I need to love so I can write?
I don't want to feel pain, nor shall I fight.

Argh. This writer's block hurts like knives.
I'm too tired to rhyme so never mind.

Maybe I'm the dark brown eyes you stare into
The ones you see your reflection in

Maybe I'm the hand combing through your jet black hair
Or the voice in the wind on an empty rooftop bar

Maybe I'm the brain you treat lesser than yours
Or the body in the room that tells you that you're not alone

Maybe I'm the throbbing **** you leave red Mac lipstick stains on
Or the stern screams that remind you of your father

Maybe I'm the lips touching your left cheek
Or the fingers that fix your nose ring

Who am I if not for all the times I've been cheated on?
Why should I be more than a pincushion
For all the times your dad didn't tell you he loved you?
Who would I be to all of you if I weren't
eyes,
hands,
barely a brain,
a ****,
and lips
?
Who am I if not a string of traumas
Walking my way through a path paved with eggshells and broken glass?
Who am I?

All you've left me is sadness
Reality is cruel
Rage is what flows through my
Icy veins and heart
After all we've been through
Nothing remains of our friendship
End my life now

I promised to love you
I promised I swear,
But sometimes those're broken.

Just as broken as my heart
On the very night that you broke your word.
I hate to remind you about it

I hate reminding myself too.
The thing is, I did love you
Despite all the pain.

I've learned to forget,
But I haven't learned to forgive
Even though you apologized

With your amazing, angelic voice
I'd cringe at the thought
Because no amount of anything

Could cure this feeling
Because I don't get over some things
But I'm trying to get over you.

All I want is to talk
Again like old times,
But I'm so full anger.

You wrote to me once.
You told me to never forget you
Forgetting you is impossible.

I think about you everyday
Even if I don't want you
I couldn't forget you if I tried.

You're a lost cause,
But I'm trying to fight
Even if it means dying

Just shoot me already.
You already took out my heart.
Finish me off.

Please I'm begging you,
Just end me
Because I don't want to live like this.

I used to enjoy
Reading books in my empty bedroom
While I sipped on a cup of green tea
(Or whatever tea I had in my cup)
During the weekends

Singing songs
To an audience of nobody at all
Was also a hobby of mine
(One I very much enjoyed)

The darkness in my room,
That embraced me
During moments of depression,
No longer holds me like it used to

The day you walked fully into my life
Was the day I realized I was not solitary
And it was also the day
That I stopped fancying being alone

I can hear the river's current
From where I'm seated
And I can hear the ******* music
Playing some few blocks away
The night has its ways
Of not giving you peace
Whenever you need it

The plants flow down the river to receive their dark embrace,
And it fills me with envy because they recieve nightly
What I have always asked for

Life, to me, is torture
A there and back again adventure
Of misfortune and self-doubt
And I choose not to live a life like this
But it is given to me against my will

I wish God were real so I could have someone to blame
Unfortunately, I can only blame myself
For all the shortcomings,
Anxiety,
Doubts,
And **** luck

All I can do is self-medicate
With things that are not medicine
Things that do not cure
But things that delay
And delay
And delay
Like AIDS and ******
Except it isn't

I want to be freed from this life
This there and back again adventure
Of misfortune and self-doubt

Maybe one day
I'll flow down life like the plants on the river
And receive the dark embrace
That I've always wanted

Always for him, never for me
Is what always runs through my head

Always for him, never for me
I wanna fill my brain with lead

Always for him, never for me
Just spit in my face right now

Always for him, never for me
Tie me up and make me drown

Always for him, never for me
Choke me until I black out

Always for him, never for me
Turn my neck into a blood spout

Always for him, never for me
Always for him
*Never for me

She cried at night
And smiled in the morning
She looked happy
But I knew how it was
All just a ruse

I knew the lies and truths
The virtues and faults
The tears behind the smile
The darkness of her thoughts

She was sick
Sick of how the world treated her
Sick because her heart worked
She loved the same way I did:
Unrequitedly

What am I doing here?
I feel useless.
I've no passion in life
Except for love and hate

I don't think I was made
To love
Nor do I think that
I was made to hate

What am I really?
Am I just abstract
In the entirety
of the universe?

I wonder if emptiness
Is a side effect
Of the ability to think
About the meaning of life

Codenames make you anonymous.
I gave you one.
Now, looking back at it,
I wish I didn't.

I gave you that name
So I could tell you I loved you
Without you knowing
And without you leaving.

I gave you that name
To say I would do anything
To get your heart
So we could die together.

I gave you that name
So we could both live in a world
Where only we existed,
Where we could be anything.

I gave you that name
To make you anonymous
And now that you know your name
You're truly anonymous to me.

It is human nature to desire death
Especially in this day and age

The world around us has become a collection of instants
From the messages we write up to the noodles we eat

Life goes so fast that we absorb so much at once
Our minds are filled with milleniums
Of words and dates and names of people we will never meet
And knowledge of places we will never go to

Humans live too fast
Our minds faster than our bodies
And when our minds live life to the fullest
We are left with only our bodies

The street is dark
Yet still visible
Here on the overpass

And yellow lights
Unevenly dot
The concrete and steel
Statues made of rooms
That stand blocks and blocks
Away

All I hear are the sounds
Of my engine humming
Like angered bees
Or silenced jackhammers

These are simple nights
In the "great" city
Nights of silence
Nights of calm
Nights of happiness
Despite being alone

It is the eve of the dawn of a new time
Tonight I fill myself
With any alcoholic drink
To curb the curses this year has given

I'm sad again like always
So I'll be drinking to forget
All the memories that hurt
And all the problems I have

I wish you a Happy New Year
And may you find your happiness
While I find mine
In a shot glass

Less than two minutes
I heard your voice
For less than two minutes today
I hope the sound of it rings in my head
For the remaining 1438 and a half

Honestly, I'm too lazy to read long poems,
But I can't stop writing them so
I can sympathize.

My heart is a planet
Or was
Because now it's
An asteroid belt
That floats
Ceaselessly
Around the sun
The bright star
That is you

I'm running on Bacardi
Drinking like a slob at this party
My heart reaches for her hand
But only on the bottle does it land
I pour another cup of drink
And into a mattress I sink
Thinking just of her
As the world around me blurs
My heart twists and turns
While my esophagus burns
My face goes numb
And now I am drunk

Don't look at me with your ******* eyes
Your stares do nothing but make you look high

Don't speak to me with your ******* tongue
All that's left is for it to pour dung

Don't hear my words with your ******* ears
Because you might stain yourself in fear

Don't touch me with your ******* hands
For all I know, you could have had them up your ***

Don't breathe near me with your ******* lungs
I don't want to share air with a skunk

I have more to say. Alas, I'll stop
After all, I've already come out on top

I need to feel the fires
Without the heat
I am lost

Stoke the flames!
Make the fire burn brighter
I am blind in the dark

Keep it burning!
Burn more fuel, you *******!
Burn everything to keep the fires alive!

Cut down trees
Burn all the gas
Do whatever it takes!

Most men run like clockwork.
Each piece is relevant to the system.
Alas, I am different.
I am a clock, like all other men,
But I am filled with broken parts:
Broken gears, broken hands,
And broken everything else.
I can no longer move forward in time
For my hands are stuck
Cursed to tell and retell one minute.

Why would the clockmaker
Turn me into a monstrosity?
Is this a punishment for my sins
Or is it a challenge I cannot win?
Am I broken to start with
Or is this a cruel joke?
I wish not to retell the same time
Because it is a time that haunts me.
A time that has brought me grief.
Fix me, so I may not be stuck.

I'm dreaming again
I kissed you and you kissed me
We both felt the aftertaste
Of coffee in our mouths

I miss the air in your apartment
The scent of you and city air fills it up
The calm and the chaos in every inhale

I miss the warm days with cool breeze
Where your lips descended upon mine
And our tongues ran in each others' mouths
Like wild horses over grassy hills

I miss the cool nights with warm breeze
Where our minds ascended into the stars
While bottles of craft beer and odd mixes
Gradually declined into emptiness

I miss you.

The same stories
The same laughs
The same people
And it still feels
Just like home
Every bit of it

How would it be like to die in a gutter?
A gutter made of cold pavement
That slowly grows warmer and warmer
As I lay down and feel the life drain out of the pores of my skin
A gutter with stagnant water turned green
By whatever the hell makes stagnant water green

Some nights I see myself dying in a gutter
I feel the warm blood rush out of my mouth
And the icy gutter slime on my right shoulder
Both of them cooling my skin, one more than the other

I watch cars full of people
Who don't care enough to help a dying man
Pass by my side as I die sluggishly
With their rubber necks and undeaf ears

I don't want to die in a gutter
I would never want to die in a gutter,
But if there is peace and silence in dying in one
Let the cars pass

Tears well up in my eyes
As I wait for night to pass
The quiet hours never lie
As sad emotions flow and flow fast

It's pain
That I feel
I don't want to
Cry to sleep once more

Being as lonesome as I
Expels all thoughts of happiness
A darkness looms over me
Telling me to give up hope
Reality is cruel, but
I shall stand tall
Combatting the demons
Everywhere in sight

Was I ever enough?

It's just that I never felt
Like I was enough,
But you always told me I was
There was so much
That I gave
And I gave despite
My empty pockets
Or my depression
Or my lack of time
I gave all I could get my hands on
And you told me it was more than enough
And that I never had to do more

I couldn't ever give you the world,
But I tried so much to do it
I was giving you bits and pieces
So one day you would have been able to take them
And put them together to see it
I only did that because
It was all I could afford
And I would have given it in its entirety
If only I had the chance

I tried
I tried
I really tried
Believe me

I wanted to give you the universe
From the grains of sand
Which you hate so much
To the stars in the sky
That I have never seen
But you couldn't wait, darling

And when you got sick of me,
You told me I was never enough
You told me I never did enough
You made me feel
Like the world I was trying to give
Was just a moon
Compared to the vastness
Of the universe that was you

Darling, I have another question:
Did you ever love me the way I loved you?

Am I enough?

It's just that I never feel
Like I'm enough
It's like there's so much more
That I can do
But can't
Because of
My empty pockets
Or my bursts of depression
Or my rage toward the past
Or whatever else

I'm sorry if I can't give you the world in itself
At this very moment,
But I'm giving you bits and pieces
So that one day you'll be able to take them
And put them together to see it

I'm trying
I'm trying
I really am trying
Believe me

I want to give you the universe
From the grains of sand
Which you hate so much
To the stars in the sky
That I have never seen
Just you wait, my love

I spent my days staring at her
Contemplating her beauty
Missing lessons left and right
Failing quizzes and the like

I used my spare time thinking about her
Us having picnics on hills
Staring lovingly into her eyes
Her face radiating in the sunlight

I imagined our waking hours
In our house by the beach
Opening our eyes so sluggishly
Exchanging smiles, her and me

I stopped daydreaming and thought
Of the dark reality
I imagined all the way
And let her slip away

I haven't heard from you.
You could be dead,
But I hope you're still breathing.
You probably are anyway.

It's been a week,
Yet it feels like centuries.
You don't want to talk,
So I'm staying away for a bit.

It's dead silence between us.
Almost like there's a serial killer
Running through the house
And we're trying not to die.

I have seen it
I have seen how it
Destroys
Degrades

There is pain
Much of it
And I wish to help
You won't let me

It's *******
I know
I have felt it
In my earlier days

The days that you smiled
Are those I miss
The sound of your laugh
Is almost just a memory
The days I want back

I bang at your doors
Let me in
Let me in
Let me in
For it is getting cold

All I'm asking for
Is for you to talk to me
Don't toss me aside
I'm not one of your old toys

I've accepted it:
The fact that we'll never be
I am now begging
That our friendship doesn't rot

It's all I have left
It's all we have between us
No more and no less
It hurts me to say these things

I wish I were somewhere else
Somewhere not of the world
Somewhere peace
Somewhere love
Somewhere smiles are not false

Nirvana maybe
But the chaos here
does not permit passage

I was out drinking again last night
Going home gave me some sort of fright
For the darkness altered my sight

My world spun unearthly
I watched the planet go topsy and turvy
As I went down home walking curvy

As I arrived home I hit the hay
I thought of you in the bed I laid
More than I did everyday

When I slept I had a dream
That you loved me
Something that could never be

We shared a kiss or two or three
Too good, it was to be
And now a hangover follows me

I'm smelling ash that isn't there
And tasting beer I haven't drank,
I have you to thank.

I miss these dull temptations
Even all they've done is hurt me.
Leaving me was easy, how hard could it be?

These days I laugh,
I laugh with pain,
I can't even try to say your name.

Happiness like this is irrational
It is a happiness I do not enjoy
Because it ends up dissipating
One way or another

Dopamine and adrenaline
Run through my body
I feel like I'm alive again
Like hundreds of horses gallop in my veins
And thousands of butterflies fill my stomach

Then you disappear
Leaving me with nothing
But the air you had breathed
And the feeling fades
And it fades
And it fades
And it fades

A bright flame danced in my heart
It danced because of love
It spun and moved with grace
And moved from place to place

It filled my soul with warmth
And the strength to carry on
Every time I left to fight
It filled me with soothing light

The fire danced for you
So our souls could one day unite
The fires in our hearts would merge
And the electricity in us would surge

But then the fire in me burned out
From your gust of icy wind
That I was in darkness for so long
And I had no will to be strong

After a while, a new fire was lit
And it's heat burned blue
It was hotter than any fire in the land
Not even I could make a stand

This fire was eternal
This stationary burning blue
It burned for the lust of bloodshed
The flame kept still, never turning red.

Every day and every night it burned
Through my heart and soul
I realized that the fire was still for you
I did not know what I felt or what to do.

I wanna talk to you
Like I'm yours and you're mine
Slow deep conversations
At two in the morning

Us traveling the world
Like we're birds in the breeze
Exploring all the bumps
And the cracks on Earth's face

Hearing your soft whispers
Say "I love you" at night
While the world is asleep
And enveloped in dark

Your lips and mine touching
As fireworks light the sky
Burning bright memories
In our lives' pages

My soul was ****** some time ago
But she brought it out of hell
The way her eyes looked into mine
Gave me new hope in the world and in life
Her fingers fit between mine like keys
Opening doors in myself I've never seen before
And when her lips touched mine
I found nirvana

The phases of matter all turn into one
When her lips touch mine
It burns like a thousand supernovas
And freezes like the vaccuum of space

The stars spill bright light through the invisble river
That holds no air in the darkness

The cheek of her face brushing mine
Fills me with the feeling
Of my heart when I see crescent moons

I can't wait to float away
Into the bright swirling stars
In the distance
With nobody but you

And maybe when we do that
We'll feel the stars pull us back
Like on starships

I am a fisherman
Looking for the one fish I need
The prized catch

To escape
The horrors
And reality
Of life
Is enjoyable

May it be
Roadtrips
And city lights
Or highway reflectors

May it be
In relics
In museums
Or paintings
In hallways

May it be
In dark movie theaters
On summer nights
Or in sunlit parks
On summer afternoons

May it be
With the love of your life
On condominium balconies
Or on soft beds

Escape
The reality
Of the cruel world