She's just a friend
Who I share common interests with
She's just a friend
Who doesn't reply sometimes
She's just a friend
I talk to about movies
She's just a friend
I share my favorite songs to
She's just a friend
Who listens to my sadness
She's just a friend
That I share stories to
She's just a friend
That I think the world of
She's just a friend
To whom I would give my heart to
She's just a friend
Who I'd want to hold hands with
She's just a friend
Who I'd trust with my heart and soul
She's just a friend
That I want to see when I'm sad
She's just a friend
That makes me happy
She's just a friend
That makes me sad
She's just a friend
That confuses my emotions
She's just a friend
I wanna see all the time
She's just a friend
I'd write poems to
She's just a friend
I would cry to
She's just a friend
Who haunts my dreams at night
She's just a friend
Who makes me drink to forget her
She's just a friend
That breaks my heart every time I see her
She's just a friend
That breaks me every time I think of her

*She's just a friend
And I'm just a friend
And that's all we are
And that's all we will ever be
Even if it hurts me

i'm soft
like a warm towel
fresh out the dryer
hold me until
i grow cold
and
warm me back up
again

i promise
i'll try
to be as warm
so I can keep
cupping your cheeks
comfortably

I had just lost her
But I lost her from the start
I was just too late

There are things I miss
I don't know which one you are
I am confused now

I need a drink now
I'm too tired of studying
Finals will **** me

You were my best drug
I would always take you in
Antidepressant.

All the time I thought
Maybe the world hates my love
So I'll be resting

Hell's said to be hot
But you were my truest hell
The subzero one

Be my source of light
Elucidate my life's path
And I shall be free

Just take my life now
I do not want to study
Please put me to rest

I wish I could say more,
But I could only say less.
So here is a poem for you
I will not jest.

I wish you a long life
And a good one too
I wish you excitement
So you'd have something to do

I wish you good health
One that will not expire
For in these times
The need for health is dire

I wish you a world
Wherein nobody would hate
Such a beautiful person such as you
On whatever date

I wish you happiness
Unlike me who is sad
I'd want you to live
Without regretting the life you have had

Finally, I wish you love
One that will last lifetimes
A love so powerful and strong
That it can slow down your time

Happy birthday

Help me for I suffer
Love songs mean nothing now
Drag me into my grave

Tears race down my cheeks
And my skin turns cold
Why must you do this to me?
What sin have I committed?

Haunt me no longer, I wish
Burn in eternal fire, breathe in my hatred
I hate loving you

Images of you and I burn my memory
There was no then, no now
There was only I who loved
While you endured my infatuation

Drown in my love
Leave me be
Die

I've lived
In this city
18 years

And I never saw it
The way she saw it
Until she showed me

I never saw the lights
In the buildings
Because there were no reasons
To look at them
Until she told me
How beautiful they were
And she was right

The city
Isn't so mundane
Anymore

You once told me
That we would rise from the dark
Like a phoenix in its own ashes
And I believed you

You talked about the beauty of the past
Of caves and of their drawings
How the past calls us to use it
A fiery sword to lead us to the light
And I believed you

You showed me that my art could be more
That there should always be meaning
That there should always be soul
And so I gave my art more life
More soul
And I believed in you

Each line you drew
Each black acrylic spiral
Each word you wrote on canvas
Were similar to mine, in a way
The way the words repeated over and over
Were similar to mine
Were similar to mine
Were similar to mine
And I believed in you

Each line you drew
Each black acrylic spiral
Each word you wrote on canvas
Were similar to mine, in a way
But yours were never yours to begin with
They were Basquiat's
They were Basquiat's
They were Basquiat's
And I couldn't believe it

You showed me that my art could be more
That there should always be meaning
That there should always be soul
And so here it is
With more soul than you will ever have
I hate that you made me believe in you

You talked about the beauty of the past
But never talked of the horrors of your own
And now approaches the fiery sword
To strike you down like the demon you are
And I believe you deserve to rot

You once told me
That we would rise from the dark
Like a phoenix in its own ashes
And I believed you
But now I believe that you don't deserve to

I had nicotine flowing through my veins instead of blood last night
Indonesian cigarettes and grape vape juice does that you
Living becomes a case study on the fine line
Of your body and mind being both asleep and awake

I saw your face four times last night
Once under the dim lights of the outside of the bar
We smoked and you complained about how men make you feel
Once in the darkness of the bar, only being lit little by little by disco ball reflections
We drank and smoked Ares cigarettes and you told me to hurt your feelings
Once in the convenience store lights
We never really went in but the lights were bright enough to see the sadness in your eyes
After I did hurt you; and

Once in my car where you cried and I pleaded
Where I cried and you looked away
Where I told you I cared
Where I told you I loved you
But you wouldn't believe anything I told you
Where I saw the fires in your eyes reduce to embers and then into ashes

I brought you home and I went home
With the cold McDonald's that I bought to try to make us feel better
And I stopped for a moment on the side of the street
To try to fill my already aching stomach
Everything tasted burnt

She painted dark canvas of the night sky
With her beauty worth billions of stars.
She was a source of time dilation,
For every day I knew her felt like decades.

My life orbited around hers like a moon to a planet,
But I was merely a moon while she was a solar system.
I was an irrelevant speck of dust floating within her galactic heart.
I wish I could turn into her one and only star.

Maybe she sees
Gentle rays of the sun
Glimmer from my face
Just like how I see her:
The light in the darkness
Of life's obscure fog

I wonder if she feels
The warm summer breeze
That would slowly blow
Upon her soft cheeks
Whenever I speak
The same breeze I feel
When she tells me
Nothings and somethings

I hope she feels
The slight glow
Of white moonlight
When my arms wrap around her
The very same glow
Whenever her arms
Lock themselves behind me
Sending me a message
To never let her go

I wish she forgets seeing
The heavy rains
That flood the roads on my face
Whenever I asked
If I were enough for her
Or if I were too much to handle

I wish she understands
The cyclones in my head
That clap thunder and flash lightning
Whenever the anger in me
Boils the chaotic saltwater
And creates tsunamis
In the vast ocean of my mind

I wish she forgives me
For the hailstorms in my words
That fall to the ground
And break like glass shards
That shatter windows and roofs
And car windshields and windows

I am a force of nature

I am trying to avoid you,
But you keep showing up

I was invisible to you once,
And now you notice me
Like I'm a pimple
On the tip of your nose

I'm not complaining,
I don't want you to go
Stay as long as you want

Lo and behold! The idiot has returned
      The people ask why
      I shrug and head turn

There he walks with his idiot stance
      I watch him angrily
      As he does his dumb prance

I remember his mind, so simple but true
      We talked a lot in the past
      I think his IQ is less than two

Great Scott! I cry for this hurts me so
      He should be executed
      Or have his ******* cut off for show

I am filled with anger every time he breathes
      How did he live this long?
      He should just stand in a busy street

Alas, there is nothing I can do
      What a shame
       I think he needs some counseling too

Good grief! I don't thinks his parents did well
      Raising a half-wit delinquent
      Oh isn't that just swell?

May this be a warning to you and to all
      Be wary of idiots
      For their brains are small

I used to spend my nights
With only bottles of alcohol as friends
They didn't care if I talked about
Love or
Dying or
Life or
Anything
They listened

Months later, I met her
She didn't mind if I talked about
Love or
Dying or
Life or
Anything
She listened
And said she loved me
And I abandoned my old friends
Because she gave me the bittersweet buzz
Without the bitter

I never liked the bitter

there are
millions
of reasons
to stay
in bed

pillows
matress
&
blankets
are a few

the way
the sun
is blocked
by curtains
is another

morning air
void
of sadness
negativity
&
pain
is another

but
there are things
that make you
get out
of it

like her
smile
voice
&
existence

Those three words will never be enough
To tell you how much I really feel
Even if I could catch all the stars in the sky
Of this ever-expanding universe
And fit all of them in an artisanal bottle
It would not suffice for half of the feeling

My heart could jump out of my chest
And sing the most beautiful ballad on earth
For hours upon hours upon hours
Until it shrivels up and dies
And it still wouldn't do

I could write you millions of poems
That each have millions of stanzas
And it would never be able
To tell you how much
I love you

I spend my nights thinking of how you thought
If ev'rything you said was all for naught.
Did you love me true romantically
Or did you just say it to not hurt me?

My dear, I loved you with all that I had
I thought we would both end up real glad
But now I see that you didn't mean it
Now all of this, to me, is pretty ****

I wish you meant all of the things you said
Maybe I wouldn't have wished I were dead,
But I still love you in all honesty
I wish you never said that you loved me

Because I'm finding hardships moving on
If we stayed friends this feeling would be gone,
But you decided to ***** the floor
And told me that you felt a feeling more

I would've missed the style and way you kissed,
But all I am right now is ******* ******
I really truly wish that you loved me
Or maybe just let the friendship we had be

I miss you so much

I miss you too

I want you so badly right now

Me too, darling...

I miss holding you
And your presence
And your voice

I miss the smell of your perfume
I miss your hands
I miss running my fingers through your hair

I miss the taste of your lips
And the warmth of your skin
I miss your eyes and their depth

I miss you entirely

I miss your being around me

******** it, Lorenzo

it's a hot day
in mid-December
as well
the world
(as we know it)
has gone
even more
topsy-turvy

Decembers used to be cold
like heartbreak after a date
or a cold shower at 4 a.m.

there isn't much around
besides the ceiling, the floor,
and the four walls that confine me
while the not-so-soothing sounds
of motorcycles pass by
my cage with silver bars
that i like to call my house

i miss you
and the summer's warmth
you bring when nights are cold
and the October breeze you have
when the days are hot

She never smiled for the soothing sounds of my smooth soliloquies
Nor did she fathom the frightful forms of my words
She didn't enjoy my empathy nor my engaging emotions
She did not bestow her best upon me,
But I still love her longly, largely, and life-filled.

Three knives
In a triangle
On my back

Mind
Body
Soul

Mind is a mess
A rip in a tea bag
Where all the leaves
Fly wildly
Like birds to a gunshot

Body is a temple
One I have desecrated
With ugly graffiti
And human ****
And posters
Of corrupt
And desperate
Politicians

Soul is black
Like sewer grime
Smells like it too
It's putrid
It's disgusting
It's not worth anything

There is no balance

Show me the world I never knew, darling
The one where notes leap off and onto staves
The world that beats on drums, and strums on strings, and sings as I sleep
The world full of late nights in bars I never go to
Where beer pours like ambrosia to the sound of galloping red horses

I want to kiss you in your world, if you'd let me
Let me into your world and let me look into your eyes the way I do when we're alone
And I hope you look into mine the way you do when we're alone

I let go of you
I thought of other things
And I was in bliss

I was alone now
And I was enjoying
Silent solitude

You were off my mind
You were nowhere near me
I thought I fell out

I was moving on
From you and from the past
And then I saw you

When I first saw you,
You took my breath away
You showered me with affection
And kind words
Things I was never used to

You held me
You kissed me
You made me feel fearless
Like the whole world was my oyster
You made me feel loved

You told me you loved me
Over and over
A kiss for each time you did
And you held my hand all the way through

Now when I see you,
The anxiety you give me takes my breath away
You shower me with death glares
And venomous words
Things that I was never used to with you

You stare in anger
You stare in hatred
You make me feel worthless
Like the whole world is closing in
You make me feel betrayed

You give me excuses
Over and over
A hiss each time you do
And you scream all the way through

The way she smiled
At the sight of
Pretty glass bottles
And things like honey
Always amused me

She sees so much good in this world
And she is slowly teaching me how to

The sound of your voice
Saying sweet things
Still rings in my ears
Like the sound of blades to bucklers

The look in your eyes
That show me the universes in your soul
The ones I get in dimly lit parking lots
I miss that

Your hands
They tell me you trust me
When I hold them and when you hold me
Without caring if they're sweaty or not

Your cheeks
The way they grow warm
And they way they make you glow pink
My hands cup them almost perfectly
I wish I could hold them again

The feel of your lips
Smooth, pink, and velvety
My lips glide upon yours
I wish they would once more

I'm not going to lie
I've been missing you dearly
The way flies miss the window
Even if it's wide open

I wish I could hold you again
The way we hold each other when nobody is looking
How we hold each other
When we know nobody who sees us will care

One of these days

I want you to fall for me,
So I can hurt you
Just as much as you did me
I want you to feel
Your heart burst like a balloon
On a sunny day
I want you to be in tears
Of sadness, not joy
And watch you cry your heart out
In hopes I'd  turn 'round
Cruel they seem, my thoughts now,
But you did the same
The morning you turned your back
I was born again
Into who you see today
If you want the old me back
You will have to dig
Because he was buried deep
In his now dead heart
The heart you stomped on back then
The one in the dirt
My poor, beat up, dead, black heart
How I wish daily
That my heart beat like before
So I could love more
But it is impossible
For it lost the fight
I want you to fall for me,
So I can crush you
Until your **** heart gives out
And you cry to sleep
For the rest of your **** life

Why now?
Why now?
Why now?

I needed you the most right now
I needed your love
I needed your warmth
I needed to hear your voice
(but not in the way I did last night)

I wanted you to hold me
And tell me that everything
Would be fine
So that I could stop crying myself to sleep

I've cried myself to sleep
For the past four days
And I didn't want to tell you
Because I didn't want to bring you down

Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't enough?
Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't enough?
Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't enough?
Why didn't you tell me I wasn't enough?

I want to be enough for you
You always told me I was more than enough
You always did
Apparently I'm not

I have not felt the perfect calm
That exists when I'm in proximity to your being
Since the day you walked through those doors

The light of the sun no longer shines down
I can only feel its searing heat boiling my blood and skin
The stars and moon no longer give light in the evening
They left me with only the darkness of the night sky as company

I don't think I'll write about how your hair flows in the wind
And how I worship it like the flag of my country

I'm not going to write about how your dark eyes fill me with vigor
And how they turn my dark soul white

I'm not authoring a poem about your voice
Filling the air with the sweet notes from Apollo's lyre

I'm not going to pen down anything about your sweet smile
The smile that can end wars and famine

I won't write you for Valentine's
I might reconsider it though

I am jealous
Because he is the poison
In your bloodstream

He is the darkness
That haunts you at 2 AM
When you're falling asleep

I wish to be the one
Who keeps you up at night
Making you think of ruined futures

"Love pushes people to do things they wouldn't normally do. Sometimes it's more of a liability to love."

- Me

Wala ba akong karapatan mapagod?
Rinig na rinig ko ang hiyaw ng aking kaluluwa
HIGA KA, HIGA KA, HIGA
PIKIT KA, PIKIT KA, PIKIT
IDLIP KA MUNA, KAIBIGAN
Gustong-gusto ko, pero hindi pwede

Dinadaan ko na lang sa tula ang kapaguran ko
Dinadaan ko na lang sa tula ang sakit
Dinadaan na lang sa biro at libog
Sa halakhak at ngiti
Sa mga sigawan at kwentuhan
Sa kalungkutan at panloloko sa sarili
Ito'y ang aking araw-araw

HIGA KA, HIGA KA, HIGA
PIKIT KA, PIKIT KA, PIKIT
IDLIP KA MUNA, KAIBIGAN
Kay sarap isipin
Kay sakit marinig
Pero sana'y makahiga, pikit, at idlip rin

At kahit minsan sana'y
Maramdaman ko ulit
Ang tunay na kapayapaan

The Christmas spirit has dissipated into the atmosphere. The jolly tunes come out of the speaker only to be turned into sad sounding drones. Every note becomes sadder and sadder and the lights grow dimmer and dimmer. It's like watching an old TV shut off, the sides fade into the middle and eventually all you have is blackness. You see your dark reflection on the convex glass. Growing old is watching a TV turn off. The happy cartoon faces slowly fade and you're faced with a reflection of yourself. What do you do now? 

The happy cartoon that is the Christmas spirit has faded into the abyss and all you're left with is yourself. You float in the dark nothingness that is the act of being self-aware. Christmas is just another day on the calendar. Say goodbye to the cheer and the snowmen and the gingerbread houses and the Santa hats. Say hello to life.

While the cold, golden **** of dull temptation
Slowly fills up the acidic pool of my empty stomach
I pray hard for even the littlest of light
As tears roll down my face
I pray so hard
That I forget which god I am praying to

I fall deeper into the abyss once again
And feel cold hands gently caress my face
"I have brought you the light you long for."
She says
But I know not if she is the answer to my prayers
And I know not of this light she brings

She comes to play when I am ill
She comes to flirt, but never stays
Some days I wish she would
Sometimes I wish she'd kiss me
And end all of my suffering

When she leaves,
The sorrow in my heart grows greater
When she leaves,
The weight on my shoulders, she brings with her
But I know one day
She will kiss me
And I won't be ready

The darkness disguised as light that is life creeps slowly into my spine like water dripping down a rain gutter after a storm. The reality in the air fills my lungs like twenty cigarettes all smoked in a dimly-lit stairwell on a Tuesday afternoon. I exhale as hard as I can, but the reality ceases to leave my being. It carves into my windpipe like a tiger's paw, ripping it into shreds as gravity pulls it back down.

I take a look at the calendar. A calm font reads December 24. I feel nothing. There is no cheer or happiness lingering in the supposedly cool December breeze. It used to fill the air with the scent of gingerbread and mint, but all there is now is the smell of rotting garbage, sun-dried ****, and the occasional stench of ****.

False smiles are painted across coffee shop windows. Bright lights that distract you from the world are wrapped around the trees. Mary gives birth to Jesus on each manger atop each building. It all still feels blank. The magic is gone. The false smiles frown at me. The luster of each bulb of each string of light has faded into a bland dullness. What lies atop the buildings are dead eyed statues.

Where has it all gone?