When it's there, it's there.

Firey passion
Intense love
All of it.

It's there.

But when it's not there, it's gone.

Cute mannerisms become annoying habits

Awkward silences and nothing to say become a norm

You feel lost an empty around a person who used to make you feel whole and complete.

You begin to watch your steps, bite your tongue, and hold you breath because you Never know if it's going to be a good day or a bad one.

All you can do is hope for a good day.

I'm tired of finding myself on the bathroom floor covered in blood.

I'm tired of never having the strength to put the blade down.

I'm tired of letting people walk in and out of my life as they choose.

I'm tired of knowing exactly when the hot tear will finally leave my eye and roll down my cheek.

I'm tired of being tired, so something has to change.

You rarely speak, communicating only your angst

It tears me apart; only because I have so much to say.
So much of literally

N O T H I N G

to say.

I sit here and pretend that my words have meaning, when in reality, they're words filled with meanings I cannot yet convey.

Why I cant get them through to you,
I'll never know.

Is it because I'm not good enough, or because you don't want to listen?

All is silent at this time of night

All except the

Train horns in the distance

The rumble as it rolls across the tracks.

But after its gone,

S I L E N C E

The air is still
The world, quiet.

I lie in bed- wide awake.

My demons come and they won't disappear.

The morning sun isn't a saving grace.

Just a deadly reminder of what happened in the dark night.

The world is not black anymore

The sky is lit by the warm rays of sun

Those rays shine through my window and I pull myself out of bed

Pretending that they woke me up.

No one knows I've been awake for hours.

Turning on the bedroom light
Last nights pain is visible on my skin.

Sweatpants because tight Jeans hurt the wounds.

A hoodie because i Can't show my pain.

A messy bun and no make up because whats The point anymore.

It's 4:23am and I can tell you exactly how tomorrow will play out.

She says that she's a beautiful disaster
But she's really just a disaster.

She knows she's on the wrong path.

She can't do a thing about it.

She's set in her ways;

With her beautiful scars
And her lonely eyes

She knows that she's a disaster,
But a "beautiful disaster" seems a little less sad.

I never really understood how a heart breaks.

I guess it starts with one little crack.
One disappointment from the one you love, one nasty word from your best friend, or one time you fell and no one picked you.

You fell so hard that a little crack started in your heart. As you picked yourself up off the ground and began to dust your knees off, you realized how alone you truly are.

And after this realization, there's one more little crack added to your once whole heart.

You pass through middle school...
One crack here, another there.
Oh, that crack grew a few more centimeters.

You're moving into high school and you don't know if your heart can take any more.  

You meet someone who changes your world.

This boy... He's wonderful and caring, smart and loving. Everything you've wanted in your life.

You get upset by the small things- he doesn't send good morning texts, he's not always the most talkative, and he's surely not giving you the attention you want.

Each of these small things send a small crack to your heart.

Eventually, your heart is broken.

No big heart breaking event, just so many small things led to the break.

He helps to fix your heart, and all is well for a while.

Suddenly, you're heart broken again. This time, the incident was even smaller than before.

I guess, the more your heart gets broken, the easier it is to break.  If things continue at this rate, how long will it be until crawling out of bed, or going into work breaks your heart...?

She still sleeps in your clothes because they feel like home even when your arms are home to someone else now

I long to be kissed the way the ocean kisses the shore
          Passionaltely & loudly
          quickly,
     But always coming back for
          "just one more"

When you walk me out to my car at night,

Kiss me the way the ocean kisses the shore.

~sas

If you're not willing to fight for her...let her go.

To fight like hell with her
To hurt and ache for her because you haven't seen her in a few days

If you're not down to order carry out at 2am because shes Hungry... Let her go.

If you can't promise to love her and all of her weaknesses

Promise to love her on her bad days
And good days
And everyday in between... Let her go.

If you aren't 100%'down for all of her and her flaws... You need to let her go.

If you can't let her flourish and be all that she can be and support that... There's no reason to be with her. If you love her, let her go. Let her go and be all that she can be..

Love is..

Love is you and me

Love is eating Olive Garden and Pizza Hut
Love is playing call of duty
Love is watching Netflix

Love is working on cars
Love is going to photo shoots
Love is taking each other lunch

Love is back rubs and cuddles
Love is piggy back rides and dancing

Love is fighting for each other
Love is fighting with each other
Love is disagreeing
Love is painful

Love is hard
Love is rewarding

Love is you and me

And love is worth the fight.

Maybe

Just, maybe

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I fall too easily and crash too hard.

Maybe I have a sad soul, and maybe I have a dull future.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I'm lonely, and maybe I'm scared.

Maybe my life is in pieces.

Maybe your words internally killed me.

Maybe we were never meant to be.

But maybe, just maybe, you're everything I ever wanted.

SS

I couldn't help falling in love with you.

It was out of my control.

Do you think I would choose this kind of love?

Stressful and upsetting,
Lonely and sad,
Frustrating and irritating.

You honestly think I would choose this love?

Because i would.

Every single time.

Because its our love.

For every stressful and upsetting moment, there's two happy and loving moments.

Every lonely and sad moment leads to a warm embrace followed by a soft kiss.

The frustrating and infuriating moments make us appreciate when we do agree.

I would choose our love over and over again because it's passionate. It's wonderful. It's loving.

But most importantly, it's ours.

Blackened souls & ****** wrists
Runny mascara & fake smiles

She waits for the day

Waiting for a chance to be
All that she is
And all that she was

Her chance..
It never comes.

She goes her room
And ends it all.

He was quiet. Speaking only when necessary, but rarely at all.

He was talented and loving,
caring and funny.

Until his love slipped out of his hands.

Lost and lonely,
Sacred and sad,

He sat there, heartbroken and wondering
what could be next.

When the love was gone, talent prevailed;

showing his true colors and the feelings he had within.

He shared his thoughts with the world, and the world approved.

The music came from the soul, reaching all who could relate

to his devastating loss, yet had faith.

When he found himself again, he found the love he once lost.  This time in the form of a human, not just a dog.

Ah but that's just it- he was never "just a dog" he was man's best friend, hero and savior.

She'll never save him the way that dog did, but she can surely try.

Keeping his hopes and dreams alive,
she stood by his side,
never losing faith.

When he seems to stray, she pulls him in, only to watch him stray farther.  The silence tugs at her heartstrings because she's said it all, and it wasn't enough.

But what could she expect from a man so quiet, only his dog could understand?

three cuts and two smokes later the tears finally subside. She hates herself more and more for giving into the razor and the nicotine because the tears may be gone, but the feelings reside in her heard, head and mind for the rest of the night.

She smells of smoke and her skin burns from the blade, but the tears have subsided and her mind is a bit clear.

Her bad habits remain, but the tears subsided.

Time changes everything. I’m not going to say that time heals everything, because it doesn’t. Some things never heal.

Have you ever been so broken down that you feel like you’ll never recover? I wish I was here to tell you that you’re wrong.

Life doesn’t wait for anyone. It moves at it’s own pace, throwing obstacles at anyone it pleases. Life is a cruel, nasty, beautiful disaster.

At some point, you have to realize that wishing things were different won’t make them different! You have to realize that moping around hoping someone will come save you is a waste of time because no one can save you.

Only you can save yourself.

So stop waiting for life to come back and pick you up. Pick yourself up off the ground and chase after your life.
During your race to catch up with life, that’s when you’ll come across more hardships. You have to push through them with more force than you think you even have. Keep pushing forward until you’ve caught up with your life.
Now look at your body. Does it look the same as when you started your race? Do you have more or less bruises, scars or burns? The answer is no. You aren’t the same as when you left. But the time that it took you to catch up with your life didn’t “heal” you. Time doesn’t heal anything. Time only changes things.

The time that you took to find your life again, it was changing you, not healing you. You will always have those dark thoughts, the ugly scar from when you fell off the tree, or the memories of your best friend kissing your boyfriend. But those past experiences have shaped you, molded you into the person you’re supposed to be. If time “healed” you, you wouldn’t be you.

-s.s

she closes her eyes
The hot tear streams down her face
          quickly at first, then slowing its pace.

She wishes
For a life
Full of prosperity and faith.

To be loved in return
Such a simple request

To others not so,
Because she hasn't received it yet.

While deep in my slumber my unconscious thoughts, they quietly await. They creep and they sneak and they prowl and they growl.
They never let me forget the hideous life I once lived.
Midway into my day, my terrifying memories, they force themselves back to a place I can't fight.
They're in my head, demanding the attention I can't bear to give them.
There's no way to repress them, they're all-too real.
For once they are there, there's no going back.

I love you so..

so much that I would do anything for you

Anything for you to live the happy life you deserve.

I love you so

So much that I long to see your eyes glisten with content because you Finally got what you deserved.

I love you so

So much that I want you to be happy

Even if it is not with me.

his arms were like the reverse side of the pillow after a long winter day;

cold, lonely, yet somehow welcoming and extremely comforting.

You'll fight and you'll argue
You'll scream and you'll yell

You'll smoke because you're mad
You'll cut because you're numb

He'll block you out of his life
Only to keep you safe

He'll be thinking of you every moment,
Knowing exactly where he was when you called.

He'll ignore your call because he's got nothing to say,
Being ignored just isn't your style

You'll blow up his phone
Only because you care

No one is there for him so you try to be

He won't let you in,
He doesn't know how

It's just not his style,
But it's completely yours.

You can't wallow in your problems
Because then they become scars.

He can't speak right away because his thoughts become reckless.

You deal with him and he deals with you

You love each other deeply but it just might not be enough

You fight and you fight to stay together

The love and feelings are there
The passion is there
So what could be missing?

Why can't you make it work..

I always thought forever was something that was,
               well, forever.

As I grew older, I began to wonder what forever really meant.

I thought about this quite often.

More often than not, actually.

what is forever? I would ask myself time, and time again.

I sought an answer that no one had.

Still to this day,
     eight years later,

I do not have an answer.