1/6/09

Liquid *******!
rigged outfitters
folkstar [protected post]
I sit in a crowd of people, I don't know which ones to trust.
I sit beside her, but look away, and dissapear into the dust.
Her expressions are animated, and her look is pensive.
She talks right to me, but it's always so defensive.
I try to hide my thoughts, and I stare blankly into space.
But everything's forgotton with that look upon her face.
Will last year come back, and will love repeat itself?
This hope in a bottle, sits neatly on a shelf.
I'll have a drink, if you'll share one with me...
I'll give you love, if you'll share love with me...

This ****** garbage I put on the screen. Screaming for some sort of definition of what I am. What I feel. Fear  - what I say. Said.
Tears that are like fire drops bleeding down my salty cheeks. Too pale to see the Sun. To weak to see my son. Develop - Grow. Live.
This mistaken luck has been put on a microphone. Grabbing it -- to drop it. I murdered those words. I killed this mistaken life. Left.
Explode your lyrical database on my inverted abdomen - woo me. Her. You don't seem to take notes on the spherical (re)cycle that drives your automated mobile. To nowhere. But here.
******* lover. Or did I? Did I ever... or do you always?
Tough.

You congratulate me
On every... tiny... victory
Like I am tiny, like I'm a baby
Whose cheerio bowl is emptied
On time with the finale of your meal
And cheered on when I'm not whiny
When fighting this or that ordeal
And like a parent to a child
You tell me that you're proud of me
As if YOU get the reward of pride
As though you built my profile
But through all your ignorance...
I smile
Entertained by anything shiny.

Look,
The day will come where it takes a mortician
to show you there are worse things
  than your depression
Death or dismemberment
It's not just your falsified insurance claim
The day you fell to your knees and wept
  over the great pacific ocean
In the city of angels you were humbled by its majestic potion
The message in a bottle you never sent
Your laziness allowed the entire ocean to be swept
  carelessly away for your lack of devotion
The day you spoke about your loneliness
sitting in an upright-coffin-confession
Adjacent to the man who ***** children
  to make himself feel... more... man.
Literally, I meant, he felt those young men.

Did that yet distract your pain?
Remember that day
that day you cried to your doctor
  Elaborating about your back and lack of motion
She’d been crying
She was trying to comprehend
hospice for her cancer-ridden husband
  Off to die, he was sent
Oh, that's exactly what it meant.

But, oh, that little tiny microscopic pain!
Then there was that day you complained
To your flat-mate about your job being so mundane.
  As she spoke of her boss firing her,* post-*****
To avoid the human resource claim
You were hell-bent over your issue…
As she went insane.

Remember the day you went "insane" to your best friend
About your second wedding being destroyed by the rain
Your bestie was a man who had never felt the embrace
      of love
           affection
                 or pain
The ability to cherish
The passion and pain of a woman,
      he had paralyzed legs,
           no woman had ever loved him
                 Because he could never provide ***.
And YES you booooooo-hoo-ed
Over all your costume-esque dresses getting wet
Whats next?
You complain about the rain...
  A magical natural scene
But LOOK,
You've never once tried
to see that persons suffering.

I have brought to you your question
Brought to you direction
Listen,
It's not a competition
Don't petition
Resist them
What's your position
Your mind fruition
You list it
Twist it
Missed it.

As you fell asleep I held my breath
You told me you weren't afraid of death
Only that you didn't want to leave
The comfort I built with my knees around you

You said,
"The stars, they shine only at night
but they're still there even when it's light
The twinkle, the twilight is still in sight
No fret, no fright, our love is right
and it illuminates the days and nights you fight
the feeling you're not alright
But love is right...
And, mama, you're alright"

My grief could drown the ocean
Pain so big it's cosmic, a stellar potion
My son, you are more than the universe
and it's universal like a star in motion
We are but one candle in a drop of the ocean

You said,
"when lights shoot across the sky...
it's not goodbye"

The kindest simple paralysis as I held your chest
No matter if it's right... It's best
My lifes left a mess of emptiness and loneliness  
and that ocean is the tears I've wept

See, your ghost, it's not a 'thing'
It's not something I can boast about seeing
It's a host of the most amazing sights seen
It's been in my heart since the beginning of my time

You're going to be young for eternity
because what you are and what you were
is a feeling
A beguiling, bewildering feeling

But the worst is here, it hurts me my dear
Another feeling on my list of fears

I know I can't be everything to you
But I can be something
That something is the best thing
It's the thing you'll love
You'll love to have

I don't want to be your everything
I want to be a golden something
The one thing you love
And more of that one thing
Is the everything I offer

That one magic thing you want
It's everything I am
It's everything I want to be
It's everything to be that one thing
It's everything for me

If I give you my everything
I know I can be that something
That beautiful thing
That you need in your life
It's my everything
It's me

The closer I get to being done
The more I see a bed at home
A bed alone
It's made of sticks and stones
Each night it breaks my back bones
I get so ****** up when I'm alone
It's so ****** up
That I find someone.

The people will always show
Not once but twice in a row
Alignment perfectly chronological
Calloused and shallow
When they are illogical
Waving words so psychological
Psychologically ****** up
It's so ****** up
That I found them at all

For a moment I'm special
So quickly I'm gone
Your feelings grew strong
With misplaced infatuations along
I've been doing this dance so long
I should know when I'm done wrong
Skipping and singing along
It's so ****** up
I've memorized the lyrics to this song

A complicated concept
Dumbed-down
For even a weak mind
To easily interpret
It's more than just
"understanding" they get
These weak minds,
Seemingly, flock to it.

pushing...
it....
me......
                                      ­                                                                 ­  o
                                                           ­                                                  v
                                                           ­                                                       e
                                                           ­                                                           **r

The problems I have are bigger than me, friend
They are bigger than you, than you could imagine
And bigger than the god you believe in

People keep telling me to be patient
But I have been a patient my whole entire life
There's nothing that this so-called-god has fixed

I have no faith in man or in god
Or the doctors that both of those come from
I only have faith in myself and the things I have done

God and man have hurt, stolen and crippled me
There was no exterior angel that repaired me
There was only me and the things I have done

How many pools of blood must I lay in asking, "am I gonna die?"
Yeah, I'm gonna die, but that's not up to man
It's up to me, and the things I have done.

The action... a stance
Or is it a sequence...
As in
the ordered number of
Events
Or movements
Or things
That follow each other...
Patterns, repetitions
Within one, or each,
Other.

screaming.

Give an insignificant person
The opportunity to be significant
And they'll change everything!

I know where I stand
Familiar with where I fall
My brand of delusion
Tells it all

Secretive emotions
Inside vivid fantasies
A devotion to us
That no one sees

And you can tell me it's over
I'll play along
But, Lover, I never left you
Even though I'm wrong

I left you inside pain
Pain I caused
I'll refrain bringing it back
But never forget what was

I still smell your skin
Taste your body
Remember within
Nothing seems to stop me

I remember holding your hand. I remember how nervous you were the first time we did. I don't think you were nervous because I’m a woman, I think you were excited. I'll never forget the shape of your hands, or how soft and squishy they are. They melted in-between the calluses of my boyish hands.

I remember how you'd touch me out in public. You weren’t nearly as touchy-feely as I am and so when you did, it mattered. I always felt that touch from you, it was invigorating. I could never keep my hands off of your body, maybe I diluted myself to you. Your skin was my everything.

I remember how much you wanted me near you, at all times. It felt like we reciprocated that attraction. We were addicted to each other. We both enjoyed feeding that addiction, no matter what we were supposed to be doing in the outside world.

I remember when you would crawl on top of my lap, while I was watching TV. It was as if you painfully, painfully needed me inside of you. I remember how easy it was to get where you wanted me. I remember the face you would make and I could determine what to do, purely based on your expressions and your eyes.

I remember the flavor of your sweat, even though you hardly would even glisten. I  knew exactly where to go, to taste it. I remember covering your body in my own sweat, I loved working that hard.

I remember how long it took me to figure out what worked for you. I remember being frustrated and let down with myself, in the beginning. i’ll never forget the magical moment that I figured it out. The pressure simultaneous with the motion. You told me I was the first person to ever give you an ******. Regardless of whether or not that’s true, I will never forget that you said so.

I'm tired of this game.
That loneliness you now feel, has been my suffering for many years. It never mattered.
But it surely matters now, now that it's yours.
I'm tired of pretending.
Pretending that it wasn't you who made me feel that way, to begin with... Pretending that I'm worth anything other than my own suffering, some of which I caused and some I didn't.

It's a delusion I live with, I live inside of. This complex, multi-layered delusion that I'm good enough to be loved, by anyone, on any average day. A delusion that anyone would ever love me for me, as I've been made to be.

Being strong is a joke.
You can say it on repeat if you want to, but it's all a lie. We merely want others to be strong so that you, yourself can pretend to be strong.

Humans are weak.
Humans are selfish.
Humans are critical.
I say this with certainty, because I am human. I am critical. I am selfish. I am weak.

It's all a game.
Everyday I log into my single player game and I pretend my delusional thinking could ever actually be real. I pretend I'm like you, so you don't feel pity. You pretend I'm like you, so I don't hate myself.
Layers of lies, is all it is.

No person wants to cause the end, but the end is inevitable. If we are forced into living, we will also be forced into dying. It's uncontrollable...
Humans love control, though.

So this is the dilemma. It's not that you, or I, don't want to die, eventually, it's the control of when it happens. Which it will.

So we can sit around and cry about the uncontrollable nature that is this existence, or we can have a voice, have action, have meaning, have love, have purpose.

Because I didn't purposefully become different than you, it leaves me with a permanent state of "uncontrollable life". Unlovable. Unchangeable. Alone.

So I continue playing the game.
Eating the layers of this onion, so you can feel like you didn't contribute to the end. I'll eat this disgusting onion, so you feel better about what you've done. So that you can think I'm happy.

You can sleep peaceful knowing you fed me these onions... so I didn't end, outside of your control.