saranade Dec 2017

I find myself in love with you
   You have known it all along, as well
We spent many naked hours together
As you taught me to be confident
   Secure, in who I am, in what I do
In who I am with you and what I do to you.

Having dreams of our sexuality, whatever that is
Having dreams of desire
  desire for the married, it's no "sin"
Sin is just another three letters man has defined
Defined with a meaning so great it's punishable
Punishable by even death to some
    And "die" is just another three letters
We let determine eternity
Why, oh why, so we let the smallest words have the most and longest outcome?

What have we done except create roadblocks
Barriers from our own freedoms
Like all the state lines I'd have to cross
   To get to you
To not be here, to not die alone.

There's a three that is quite the opposite
   You.         Her.          Me.
I've never felt something so welcome
Something so perfect
Why it couldn't be, well, that's on me.

But I need you again, Magic Healer
Show me again how to be your lover
  To love myself, again, too
Love myself inside you...... Us.

1400 miles away
  Dec 2017 saranade
Vicki

My green pen was writing again
in the wee wine hour of 2 a.m.
my drunk jeans in the corner
half-crouching
at the thought
of taking down
the strange quill scratching

in the naked darkness
I'd whispered prayers of penance
as I watched it all unfold
inside of me a nuisance
itch itching black gold

The pen seemed to have
a mind of its own, detached
my boots one, two in a row
near the front door, heel to toe
slipped off ready
to go, I sipped..

lit the tip of an incense stick
to incite the writing invisible bitch
intensely scratching envious cries
or poems of yearning
and I droll slow

rolled a cigarette grinning at
her back hunched
over that desk
She would be jealous again of me,
the runaway girl in her head.

repost by spec req
saranade Dec 2017

I am closer to immortal than you can imagine
When you lie down it defines beauty sleep
But, I am six feet over... I'm in heaven
And six feet under you're in heaven
A cure for a disease progressing

And no question of a harmonic progression
Even if my song is sung as a narration
The lullaby is my confession
Of loss and of pain...
The depression
For my son
Gone

Where I'm at there's little self-expression
My vocal chords are my only organ
But no one here is listening
Just you, to me
Singing to
My son

The exact structure of your skull was no accident
Synthesis is in my heart, as sound intents
Perfection of beats made in my chest
But as you are in the ground
With a skull so round
I sing down
To you

Painters get to blend more color, white or black
Keep mixing until pigment is exactly right
The tone of the dialogue is a fact
Enacting a meaning intact
On tight canvas skin

It is laughable the way sounds bounce around
That the sound reverberates in your skull
As we give energy to words announced
A frequency is altered by meanings
Dependant on tone or sound
  
I cannot count out the lullabies composed
I can only remember the feelings
Energy left by words we chose
And since you'll never return
I choose to come to you,
Oh, what I'd do for,
Just an ounce,
of your love
At home

saranade Dec 2017

Years we spent, speaking in silence
    Wth the most of feelings, you changed me
We spoke in feelings
        A currency not used enough.

Your feelings are energy
    And I am your energy, too
We are enough to power the galaxy
        Maybe that's exactly what we do.

We powered through the struggles before us
    Lighting up every dark day
With a simple exchange of feelings... Energy...
         The current that is you and I.

You were a tidal wave the flushed my skin
    A bolt of lightening that burned away pain
You were red wine that turned my pale cheeks
         And everything became flushed with power.

You've now become that energy
    Pure and devine and heavenly
In a land I cannot walk through
         But a current with me,
            through all my days.

Energy is life is feelings is all.
saranade Nov 2017

Ten years miserably passed before..."At last!"
Four eyes dizzely cast into blue and brown,
and four, no, six legs on the ground.
Wistfully down a park laid sidewalk, we walked
to meet one another, blissfully.

We walked inside the dried canal, a river of the desert.
It hurts that we go there, no more, to flirt
with the dirt and our companion... infinity.
Is it you with me as I find kin company
in the molecules of divinity?

Repeatedly, I go searching the vicinity and nearby
For anything with similarity that I can call you by.
Any tree, light, shadow or star in the proximity
of where we met that belonged to you and me.
Or a feeling of solidarity that I cannot see.

Son, don't let me now survive ten years expeditiously.
Destructively alive, left with the intangiblity of life
that we left at that decision tree at 5:45.
Repetitiously I continue to apologize,
but apologies won't bring you back to life.

Seeking the sureness of his afterlife.
saranade Nov 2017

As you fell asleep I held my breath
You told me you weren't afraid of death
Only that you didn't want to leave
The comfort I built with my knees around you

You said,
"The stars, they shine only at night
but they're still there even when it's light
The twinkle, the twilight is still in sight
No fret, no fright, our love is right
and it illuminates the days and nights you fight
the feeling you're not alright
But love is right...
And, mama, you're alright"

My grief could drown the ocean
Pain so big it's cosmic, a stellar potion
My son, you are more than the universe
and it's universal like a star in motion
We are but one candle in a drop of the ocean

You said,
"when lights shoot across the sky...
it's not goodbye"

The kindest simple paralysis as I held your chest
No matter if it's right... It's best
My lifes left a mess of emptiness and loneliness  
and that ocean is the tears I've wept

See, your ghost, it's not a 'thing'
It's not something I can boast about seeing
It's a host of the most amazing sights seen
It's been in my heart since the beginning of my time

You're going to be young for eternity
because what you are and what you were
is a feeling
A beguiling, bewildering feeling

But the worst is here, it hurts me my dear
Another feeling on my list of fears

I see you, son. I feel you, son. I love you, son.
These feelings... They're energy... They are you and me.
RIP.
saranade Nov 2017

I sang to you, my son, until I ran out of breath
And sang to you again as I gave you to death.
I've been stuck in house arrest
Because I've given you to death.
I declare my degree in your grief
But I sing to you...
"I-I-I have never lo-o-oved someone,
the wa-ay I love you-u-u"

A lament for your bending brain descent
With energy so pure, unsure and in the moment
With disorient movement on legs bent
Or were they wings?
It was hard to tell on the descent.

Yet, something eternal was created
At your birth and at your death
Your heart was too big for your chest
We wept together over it,
Over your death,
As there was no preparation for the separation
Your rotation of cognation
Gives formation to an ideation if...
You... You ever were
Or I... I ever was?

Disposessed words in the world we'd imagined
Obtained and ingrained love in our intestines
Our black will eventually turn to grey
The grey will one day go away
Just as blood dries and becomes sparks
It parks inside eyes to become stars
And the love we lasted long enough to receive
Becomes songs in energy I sing
From my throat
From my hand to your coat, I bathe you
I soak you with my love... a baptismal
     ... like never before and ...
As you drown under, you wonder
If you... You ever were
Or I... I ever was.

Death. Euthanasia. I had to say goodbye to my wire fix terrier.
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