I used to think I wasn't pretty.
my legs were too big,
my body too tall,
my face too round.  

Then, others started telling me the same.
That I deceived them with my photos
and lied with my camera.
That I told untruths with angles and lighting.

*******.
My face is beautiful, and it is mine.
My legs are strong and healthy.
I walk tall with my head high.

My camera. My lighting. Mine.

I choose the angles and the lighting to tell my story.

My hips are wide and ****.
My hands are deft and sure.
My skin is soft and fragrant.
And they're mine.

Not yours.

Go sell your self-loathing to someone else.

I'm not buying.

carbon date me.
trace me back to my beginning.
my inception.

find the catalyst that brought me to this point.
to the me that exists in this moment
on this day

this point in the linear graph titled "MY LIFE"

trace it...
back.
back...
wait. stop.
there

that's it.
the metamorphosis point.
the moment this me began.

the unfolding of potentials,
the unweaving of my chrysalis.
the opening of avenues of thought and energy.

right... there.
see?

it's you.

how to be happy.

i listened to an old song today, and it took me back
to breathless august nights
wondering if i'd ever get to kiss you again
or if that one earth-shifting moment was all i'd get
and i'll never forget that.
someday i'll tell you what that song made me feel.
my stormcloud eyes will meet your summer sky eyes
and you'll know how much i loved you.

I love you in the future tense
in the crystal ball sense of the word
in that stupid silly daydream kind of way
I love you in the
"let's start something new; we could get it so right"
"come home to Christmas?"
"how could we do anything else when we fit this well?"
way

maybe this unfurling I feel is the future
or maybe it's my heart
saying
"maybe it's not too good to be true
maybe this time
maybe
maybe
maybe"

but you only had time for right now.

There lives this one guy in Kuopio
who is just a little bit dope, yo
his jokes are appalling
and yet he's enthralling
he's goofy, yet somehow I cope, though <3

Your eyes hit me
like a bolt of lightning
and the fire we started
burned me to the ground.

I feel a pull in my chest;
an ache and a flutter
behind my sternum as if
the bird of my heart is straining
against the prison of my ribs
to be near you.
I don't blame it.
I crave you, too.

I know how to say 'hello'
terve
I can name colors
sininen
I can call you a wizard
sinä olet velho!

but in no language
do I yet have the words
for how you make me feel

i exposed myself
opened wide the curtains
showed you my body
my desire
and, accidentally
my heart

I don't want to fall asleep
only to wake
to another day
without you in it

I don't want you to go
I can't stay, either
so here

here's a piece of me.
carry it always.

night falls
the birds have ceased singing
and you
are gone
flown away in search of more hospitable climes
leaving echoing silence
in your wake

the fire in me
has dimmed
banked
by fear
and heartache

the sparks of optimism and joy
drifting in the night
waiting for fuel
to burn fiercely again

in my dreams
this **** screen
grows large
becomes a portal
and with joy
I step across
into your arms
easy as that

I guess I'm a little impatient.

that's the paradox of
submission, isn't it?
how can you take
what's already yours?

yes, there was tequila, and
yes, the alcohol in my blood is
singing, but
I'm drunk on this weather;
the coolness making
your hands on my skin
that much warmer
the way your
eyes hold mine
as we learn each other
the joy that blooms
in the spot between my eyes
at the touch of your lips
the sound of your laugh
thrumming through
my ribcage,
we lean on each other
giggling because we
couldn't possibly do otherwise
the taste of you
in the morning
the way you call me
beautiful
and mean it

It is not enough
to want to let someone
in

They must first
knock
on the door

Sometimes I want to kiss you
until there's not an inch of you
that hasn't been explored.
I want your collarbone,
your fingertips,
the hollows of your eyes.

and,
sometimes

I want to kiss you
with my fist.

The wind plays with my hair like a lover. 
I'm left disheveled and laughing.  
I'm drunk on sunlight and that particular shade of blue
of skies that have secrets, and they're not telling.

is opening my front door
and seeing your face
in living, breathing color
finally, finally
I've missed you
get in here

is talking with you
for hours about everything and
laughing at the guy in the
grocery store who was
pushing guacamole like a drug
and inappropriate jokes and
quantum physics

is your hands in my hair
running through it so gently and
cupping my face
your fingertips on my skin
skimming lightly
making goosebumps rise
and fall and
rise again

is the taste of you
your/my hand balled up
a fist in my/your hair
a hand on the throat
nails down the back
bruised lips and
hitched breath
and just who is
holding who, here?

is looking in your eyes and swimming in an ocean of blue
drifting to sleep in your arms
or dancing with you in the car

is falling in love with you
and the surprise of
feeling that headlong
rush once more that
I thought was just a symptom of
first love; fleeting and never
to be felt again

flowed over me
like honey
sweet
and slow
and golden
I could feel it in the
tips of your fingers
gliding across my bottom lip
your hands
running through my hair
caressing my thighs
tracing the contours of my palms
your lips
leaving goosebump trails
on my neck and collarbone
kissing the freckles
dusting the tops of my shoulders
your voice
humming in approval
of my skin in the lamplight
in your eyes
smiling at me across the table
I have never felt so
beautiful
in my life

I must remember what it's like
in case I find it again

There's a space in my heart shaped
like cloudy skies and rain- spattered glasses.
It's shaped like breathless,
sweeping green and
trees as high as my hopes.

Someday maybe that space will be filled.

Our lips are matches
that, struck against each other,
blaze up
brighter than the lights of your city;
brighter than the desert sun, and
I don't want the fire to go out.
So press your lips against mine again.
Strike the match
Let's see how brightly we burn.

I run my hands through
your jewel-bright hair
and close my eyes.

Time slows, condenses,
crystallizes,
and hangs suspended;
still and perfect.

I know
I won't forget this moment
This floating
peace

many times;
left freckles scattered across my skin.
The sun has kissed me more times than you have,
but just barely.

fall in love with a man with arms like
beacons in the night
that promise safe harbor
with eyes that glint with
mirth and optimism
with hands that cannot
get enough of you
with a voice that soothes
with sturdy roots
and a healthy relationship
with his mother
with a man who understands pain
and understands that it doesn't last forever
and understands that joy is the same
who cherishes the tiny beautiful things
fall in love with a man who is thankful
and makes you laugh
that makes you feel welcome
that has stories to tell
and who listens to yours

In my dreams, I'm
under you
I feel your teeth on my skin
and your hand
on my throat
and I wake
with your name on my lips.

you *******.

loving you feels
...different

it's not a headlong rush
not a quick descent to a hard landing
not scary
or fickle

it feels
safe
comfortable
inevitable

I have grown into it
learned to love myself
and in so doing
recognized
over time
that you were there
loving me
just the same
as you always have

I will not wait
for you to
decide
that I am worth
your friendship.

I will not hang
my hopes
on a text message
that may never come.

I have better things to do.

I cannot sleep with someone
holding me- I feel
trapped
within a lover's embrace
unable to move, twist and toss in my own rhythms.

Hold my hand, fine;
touch my back gently, but please
don't take my freedom in my sleep.  

I cannot sleep with
someone holding me

Why, then, do I crave your touch?
Why do I sink into deep,
still pools of sleep
with such ease
in the shelter of your arms?

And why do I feel its absence when
you're gone?

that I will take home with me:

park benches in the sun

your hand in my hair

the care with which you cook

wordless touches in the morning to say we're awake

my fingers on your neck

forehead kisses

smile lines

cobblestones

windswept hair

backrubs

blister bandages

morning stubble

sunscreen stains

your mother's cooking

dog fur

sleep-rasped voices

strawberries

train selfies

reaching for your hand

a neon dancing fish

your grandmother's coffee

your lip ring against my mouth

five thousand three hundred twenty-seven miles

one date seed

fall in love
with a man
who has time for you
and is capable of
loving you
back

is in California
on the beach at 3am,
braced by the
freezing ocean wind
and "******* I'm here!"
It's in New York
in bar-top games of scrabble and
walking in the sun
hand in hand.
It's in future plans
and the horizon is
so much bigger
than it used to be.

Symphony of dreams
Sleep drunk boy whispers to me
Honey sweet moonlight

You kiss
my hand; each fingertip, one by one
slowly, softly
with such deliberate tenderness
that makes my chest
ache
with a feeling I cannot name
that feels a little bit like soaring,
and a little bit like falling,
and a little bit like
coming home.

a deep river flows between us
light dances across your face
and hot wind stirs my hair
i'm standing on the bank
numbly wondering
how did this fire start?
and why
is there a torch
in my hand?
the bridge cracks, splinters
floats away.

How do I put into words
How it feels
To let go
And let you love me?
The delicious terror?
The rush of fear/joy/fear
That comes from that feeling
That somehow
This is to good
To be real?
How do I say
How much I want you?
The crush of lust
That leaves me breathless
Every. Single. Time.

my heart
is a
lion

proud
fierce
regal

sanctuary

quiet
sacred
full of candles
that replaced the torches
I used to carry
for lost loves

ocean

deep
serene
tempestuous
stormy

child

who still can't understand why
love just can't be easy
and life can't be fair

cavern

empty
mysterious
unexplored
for now

there is an ache in my chest
the size of my current happiness
the shape of your touch
that will crack my heart open when I leave here

I am altered
changed by the reality of you
I don't know how to go back
to the smallness of only seeing you
through a screen
every dimension of you
compressed
into my pocket