All I want to do is walk up to her
and kiss her; tell her I miss her.
But I can’t. Because deep inside my brain
there’s this little voice telling me
that she wouldn’t want to me to.
That she doesn’t miss me or want me back;
despite all of the signs my entire being
keeps telling me she’s giving.
And when I do manage to gather the courage to talk to her,
every single word digs its claws
into the inside of my throat, refusing to come out.
She went from being the love of my life,
to just another beautiful girl I’m scared to talk to.
Every single one of our conversations ends up
consisting of her trying to understand what I’m trying to say,
and me staring at the sky and whispering
things that are supposed to mean
“I love you. And I’m sorry”

Whenever she walks past me, I pretend I’m texting,
writing, or even looking for something stuck under my shoe
so I don’t look at her, because I have the feeling
that she does the same.
It feels like she does whatever it takes to distract herself from me,
because in her eyes, I will always be the person who betrayed her.
The person who caused those sleepless nights.
The person who hurt her.

a couple of months ago i got lost
somewhere between sad and depressed
and i never managed to find my way out.
i've been dwelling among roots
of lost memories and engrave
the reasons why i'm still in love with you
in tree barks,
why i still miss you.
i bet you never even think of looking for me
and i can't stop myself from seeing your face
in every crease of my mind.
i hope you still love me. no,
i wish you'd still love me
because i just know your lips
are resting on someone else's
while mine are covered in layers of dust
left behind by loneliness.
late at night,
i'm haunted by echoes
of the way you say you love him
and it's keeping me awake.
i haven't slept in 5 days.
my heart is crumbling
and it's becoming increasingly harder
to hold it all together.
the feeling of your lips
is a fading memory
and i hate that i can no longer remember
what it felt like to hear you say
that you love me.

i wake up at 5 am every day, on the dot. i don’t use the alarm clock you gave me anymore, though. the heavy feeling in my chest is just enough to pull me from my dreams. it always takes a while before i finally start to move. strange, isn’t it… it’s almost like i don’t want to get out of bed.

after dragging myself across the hall and into the bathroom, i start my daily staring contest with my own reflection in the little mirror above the sink. i wonder if it knows how empty the real me is feeling. i always have long repetitive conversations with my shower head about you. it tells me to move on. i tell it to go **** itself. we’ve become very good friends.

it’s almost 6:30 am at this point. after getting dressed, i start a quiet discussion with myself about what kind of alcohol would serve as the best substitute for your lips that day. the answer is ***. it’s always ***. i’m actually allergic and get really bad stomach aches. but hey, i might as well feel something, right?

i watch the sunrise from my living room couch and wonder if you’re doing the same. a half-eaten sandwich in one hand and my heart in the other. i can never bring myself to put it back between my ribs, because i’m afraid i might start to move on.

as i leave the house, i hear my bed calling my name. i do my best to ignore it and lock the door behind me. still, i can’t stop myself from wishing this voice belonged to you. i take a moment to listen to the sound of the wind rushing through the leaves, as if to convince myself that there is more to life than this pain. i know though, that when i come back home tonight, it will still hurt just the same.

we were wet autumn leaves,
hanging side by side
from the highest branch
of an old maple tree
with a magnificent view
of city life.
the cold breeze swayed
us back and forth,
softly pressing us together.
you admired my yellow tint
as i loved your red glow
and the thin veins that
spread throughout
your delicate body.
it was all perfect enough
to make of forget
that autumn stood for decay
and to make us feel
like we were infinite.

I want to be the type of boyfriend
most girls can only dream of having.
I want being with me to feel
like you're living a fantasy.

I promise that I will protect you
from all danger with my arms
and catch your tears with my shirt
when you feel alone.

I will lift you off the ground
like you're weightless and kiss you
like my life depended on it.

I'll be difficult to control,
but easy enough to make you feel
like you're in charge once in a while.

I won't ever be ashamed to tell you
that I love you in front of his friends.
I will show you off to the world,
because you are the best thing
that ever happened to me.

And I will do my best to be the same for you,
because a girl like you deserves
nothing but the best.

it's so odd how
when you've been sad
for a very long time,
and something
unexpectedly comes along
and makes you happy,
you'll do anything
and everything to get rid of it,
because being happy
just doesn't feel right any more.

i'd put a knife against my chest
and let you press it through
my ribcage, piercing my lungs
and flooding them with
the sadness residing within me.
just because it's you.

i'd hand you a razor
and let you cut me open
from my wrist to my shoulder,
spilling out my blood and demons.
just because it's you.

i'd let you hold a gun to
my temple and pull the trigger,
painting the walls of my
living room bright red.
*just because it's you.

Everyone has someone
they get along with perfectly;
someone they’re at total peace with.
For me, that person can only be you.
You’re perfect; gorgeous, caring and so generous.
You give, give and give.
But for once, I want you to be selfish,
take me for yourself
and let me do the giving.

I want to be the one to lift you up
when you lose hope,
I want to be the one to catch you
when you fall and I want to be the one
to hold you up when you threaten to sink.

Whenever you feel alone,
I promise I’ll be there to flood you
with all the love I have in
body, mind and soul.

Everyone has a moment in their life,
which they wish they could relive
over and over again.
To me, having you in my life
is that moment.
I love you.

i'm not superstitious
so i don't believe
in phantoms

but yesterday
i came face to face
with the ghost of
who i used to be

*i'm not so sure any more.

it’s so cold when you’re not around
to hold me and that scares me,
because that means i’ll freeze to death
if you ever were to leave.

i’ll have to learn to be the happiest i could be
on my own and not let the intensity of my flames
depend on someone else’s fuel.

the only problem is that i’m tired
of dreaming about you and waking up
to an empty bed every morning.
i want you there when i open my eyes.
i want the kissing, the cuddling, even the fights.

the bottom line is that you make me far too happy
for me to be completely happy on my own.
you’re more of a flame to me than you are fuel.

it’s painful to see how our generation has become so afraid of being judged for eating and gaining a bit of weight that we’d rather starve ourselves to the point of sickness than live healthy lives. so many people bending and breaking themselves over what we have lead ourselves to believe should be considered as beautiful.

it’s painful to see how the word ‘love’ has lost  of all it’s meaning after it has been flung around and stepped on countless times. we have all lost our grasp on what being happy together was supposed to mean.

it’s painful to see how many of us have forgotten the meaning of valuing ourselves; everyone is out drinking themselves into comas, drowning their lungs in smoke and waking up in places they've never been before with no recollection of the events that have taken place the night before.

letting go of someone you desperately fell in love with may be one of the hardest thing you have to go through in the process of life and love, mainly because most of the time, you don't want to.
 
you want to hold on to what made you so happy; to the person who filled up the void inside your heart. 
sadly, this will most certainly lead to your destruction; every thought, every memory of them claws at your heart and soul, slowly killing you emotionally, eventually leaving behind an empty shell of regret.

it's hard to find peace within sleep
when the moths in my chest
are constantly awake and cutting my lungs
with the sharp edges of their wings

it's hard to focus on where i am going
when every single step i take
feels like another further away
from your warm embrace

it's impossible to go out and find someone new
when every time i kiss them i remember
the way you used to bite my bottom lip
and the way you used to tell me that

you loved me.

Monday.**
I ran up to you and embraced you,
lifting you off the ground
like you were weightless.
You smiled and hugged me back,
but not as tight as you used to.
When I kissed you, you kissed
me back, but your lips
were uncertain.
I knew I was losing you.

Tuesday.
I walked up to you,
much slower than the day before.
I felt your muscles tense as my arms
slid around your fragile body.
You said you weren't sure any more
And you needed some time.
As much as I wanted to kiss you,
I forced myself not to.


Wednesday.
I decided to be distant and
only smiled at you.
You walked right past me,
staring at your feet.
The smile melted off my face
and for the first time in my life,
I felt what it was like to be lonely.

Thursday.
I said good morning.
You looked right through me,
and engaged in conversation
with someone next to you.
I felt my heart drop.
I felt my ribs cave in.
I felt like I didn't exist.

Friday.
I walk past you with my head low.
You are smiling.
Your fingers are folded between someone else's.
Your lips don't hesitate
when you kiss them.
Your muscles relax when they hold you.
You avoid looking at me.
I lost you.

03.09.2013
i've gone to bed around 7 today. the feeling of being awake without you is becoming unbearable. i still don't understand why you left. i never got any explanation. i miss you. everything is so cold. i think i want to die.

31.10.2013
i tried using ***** to make someone's lips taste like yours. but when i kissed them it felt like i was pouring my blood into a bottomless vase and everyone could see how i was failing miserably at trying to fill an empty well with a handful of water.

14.11.2013
i barely leave the house because i'm afraid that i might see you with him. you always look so happy. why do you look so happy without me. you said you loved me.

22.12.2013
i tried turning my sadness into a corpse of words and the burying it in 6 feet of blank pages, but every night i am visited by the ghost of the feelings i attempted to forget.

03.01.2014
it's been so long since i've had alcohol in my system. i've become numb enough to no longer need substances to make me forget whatever is happening around me. the pain has faded over time, but i still don't feel any less dead, let alone alive.

10.02.2014
my parents keep asking me why i'm always so quiet. thing is that i could never answer them, because your name is constantly clogging my throat. i see you in everything around me and late-night breezes have started to sound like lost echoes of your voice. your smell is still clinging to my sheets. god, help me.

15.03.2014
i'm drunk again. i miss you and everything hurts. i couldn't resist. i'm sorry i'm so sorry i'm so so sorry i love you i miss you please come back i love you i love y

when you cry, i can feel
every single one of your tears
being shed.
even when you're suffocating,
i can feel myself gasping for air
my lungs don't even need...

i hate knowing that this is
what you go through.
and what scares me the most
is the thought of you having to
endure the suffering i go through too.

i know love isn't
the solution to everything,
but it's the closest thing we have
to happiness, so…

i love you, and i sincerely hope
that you love me back enough
for the pain to fade
every time i kiss you.

my Christmas wish was
to have you here with me,
wrapped in my arms.
the way it used to be, you know?

just us two, huddled together
on the sofa near the Christmas tree,
inhaling the sweet smell
of its wet leaves, watching
the drops of rain collide
with the ground and crawl
down the windows.

I wanted you to sing along
to your favorite Christmas songs
and laugh at me when I tried;
to dangle a piece of mistletoe
above our heads and lose
ourselves in a kiss.
It would have been a December 25th
to remember.

merry Christmas, love.
I miss you.
I miss us.

my love for you is comparable to the moon;
it will not always show as much,
but it will always be there.
you are like magic;
your eyes are the galaxies
that put the stars in my skies
and when it's pouring rain, your smile
is the sun that clears up the grey clouds.
whenever my world falls silent,
your voice is what puts life and color
in everything around me.
my love for you is comparable to the moon;
it may not always show as much,
but it will always be there.

You are the girl
I try to draw with my words;
the girl I try to describe as perfectly
as she actually is,
but none of my words do her justice.

You are the girl
with the big silver eyes
that reflect the world
like two clear pools of tears.
The eyes that look past all my flaws
and still manage to find something
they think is perfect within me.

You are the girl
with the little hands
that grab and tug my shirt
when she wants my attention.
The same hands that trace my jawbones
and leave scratches across my lower back.

You are the girl
with the perfect lips.
The lips that drive me close
to the edge of insanity.
The lips that have left marks all over
my rough skin.

You are the girl
that makes me want to write,
because you drive me crazy
and cause my emotions to build up
inside of me.

You are my dreams.
You are my reality.
You are that girl.
You are the only girl.

She was the only girl I was able to be myself around. She listened to my stories, laughed at my jokes, cuddled with me when I was sad and made me smile when I couldn’t. I was completely in love with her. We spoke of marriage, children and growing old together. It was the perfect picture. I honestly thought I had found the one for me; my perfect match. I thought we were forever.
I was wrong.

In the blink of an eye, she was gone. She left me for another, better man. As every person would be, I was devastated. I tried everything to get the love of my life back, in vain. Nothing I said or did was going to change the fact that her feelings have shifted to another.

Before I could even understand the whole situation, the pain of my loss hit me. My feelings were everywhere. It started with tears in the shower, sleepless nights, alcohol and my chest caving in every time I heard her name. I’ve woken up to tear-soaked pillows, caused by nightmares so many times. I’ve pushed away friends and family, because I was so afraid to love anyone any more.

Then suddenly, it all stopped. No tears, anger or pain and no happiness. I became a mirror: blank when nobody was around and showing everyone smiles, laughter and joy; just what they wanted to see. Only I knew that none of it was real.

I still don't understand how
I just woke up one day and knew
exactly who I wanted to be with
for the rest of my life.

It's strange, because it wasn't a
progress. It just happened.
I was suddenly magnetically drawn
to you; I didn't feel at home if you
were too far away.

Words somehow started to sound like
your name. I became numb, deaf and
blind to everything around me,
because all I wanted to see is your face,
all I wanted to hear is your voice and
all I want to feel was your touch.

I've been told falling in love was a treacherous journey,
but with you,
it felt like a merry boat ride.

you are a flower;
started off small,
barely noticeable.
as you grow
and develop,
you become beautiful
and radiant.

you are on
of the few things that
despite all the negativity
still catches people's eye
and puts a smile
on their faces.

now the question is:
"who gets to take
you home?"