snowflakes are falling from the sky,
yet here in your arms, secure I lie.
blinding light from the white wonderland
snuggling in closer, hand in hand;
with my head on your chest
your heart beats like the purr of a jet.
orange lights outline your face
and get lost in your crazy hair.
so peaceful, so quite, so lovely
but...
i know the truth, and the trouble you hide
but you've ****** me in.
i'll always stay by your side.

friends forever,*
we'll always remember,
together we'll get through it all
we're one in the same,
we all share the blame
for the trouble we get into.
when you can't decide,
wanna run and hide,
we'll always be there to help you.
when sad and blue,
and through laughter too.
we share everything with each other,
you're a part of us all,
for you've helped build this wall
that keeps each of us standing.
without you I would die,
don't wanna say goodbye,
but you'll stay here in my heart.
we'll be friends forever,
always remembered,
together we'll get through it all.

i keep telling myself i have to live for you
experience all the things you never got to
get married, have children and grow old in you honor
but i don't know if i can,
i never wanted those things,
i never dreamed those dreams
they were yours and so they became mine
i would have done whatever you had asked of me to tell the truth
i would gladly die for you
but i'm not sure if i can or even want to live for you anymore
not when you couldn't live for me.

They say that suicide is just exhaustion
from trying to be strong,
or brave,
or happy.
From trying to have hope
when everything seems hopeless
and everything is falling apart.

Every night I'm exhausted
from this part I play
day in and day out ––
from hopelessly trying
to make anything work out
when everything I touch falls to pieces.

They say you need something to hold onto,
but the only thing keeping me going
is this playlist sent to me
by a guy who doesn't even care anymore ––
maybe he never did ––
because you don't leave someone hanging
when you know they're hanging by a thread.

Every night I pray
to fall deep asleep
and never have to face another day.
Or to wake up and drive
to a place brand new
where no one can touch me ––
not even you.

I was trying to apply for a student credit card
But everyone kept denying me
We didn't know why.
Today I was told my identity was stolen
I wasn't too surprised
It's funny, I've been saying that I haven't felt like myself for years,
I guess I really haven't been...

It just *****.
That's what I tell everyone when they ask me how I'm doing
And don't take my half hearted okay for the ******* answer it is.
It just ***** ya know?
He went barreling out the this world just as suddenly as he came stumbling into mine.

I can't tell you where you'll go,
for me myself I do not know.
I can't tell what the future will be,
when what's right ahead I can barely see.
do not try to fine where we will end,
first focus on making it around this bend.
let's take our time, stop, don't go to fast.
for we never know how long this will last.

light the night with the stars
there's never been a love like ours.
the world is ours for the taking,
there's no point in us waiting
light the fire, light the flame
our recklessness is to blame.
we'll do a dance and take a chance
this will be a great romance
light the candle within my heart
take my hand, this will be the start.

illuminare la notte con le stelle
non c'è mai stato un amore come il nostro.
il mondo è nostro per la presa,
non ha senso in noi in attesa
accendere il fuoco, accendere la fiamma
la nostra spericolatezza è la colpa.
danzare questa danza e correre il rischio
questa sarà una grande storia d'amore
accendere la candela nel mio cuore
prendi la mia mano, questo sarà l'inizio.

just another pretty face,
this was all a big waste.
never stop to look behind
the makeup and actions that all hide
the person who i truly am,
but do you even give a ****?
i'd like to pretend that you do,
but i know the truth will come out soon.
*mirror, mirror on the wall
watch me, watch me as i fall

you're all i want
and all i need
the reason that
my heart still beats
your love it makes me feel so alive
and like there's nothing
that i could not survive.
be mine forever,
till the end of time
you'll be the star
of every love rhyme

let's hope this magic won't ever fade
because here in your arms i want to stay.
your love has been more than enough,
your arms around me, warm to the touch.
i look at you and it seems so clear;
together, right now
we were meant to be here.
your bright eyes sparkle in the sun
you make me feel forever young

Someone said you work too much,
and I laughed and said
"Don't we all?"
We work at our jobs,
on relationships and friendships.
We work on our appearance
through face creams and gym memberships
We wear war paint,
smear it across our faces playing a part.
We work on our smiles and our vocabulary.
We study and learn every day -
whether it be tabloids or dictionaries ;
we are always learning, working.
We work for money and adventure and love.
We work to feel young and to feel old
and anything but what we are.
We work and we work and we work,
from the moment we start breathing -
to the moment we stop.
You might say I work too much,
but maybe you just don't work enough.

maybe i wanted you to leave
maybe i wanted you to go
maybe it's true i pushed you away,
it's only because i know,
no one ever stays

maybe i liked you a lot
maybe i could have learned to love
maybe your smile filled my world
and the sound of your voice
it made my toes curl

maybe you are just really busy
maybe you're just a little distant
maybe i wish that you knew
about all the things i thought
and i felt for you.

maybe one day i'll live among the stars
but for now i'll lay awake thinking...

of a place full of bliss
and free of pain
where my heart was never broken
and my body never beaten.

i was meant to live along the sea
but for now it'll consume my dreams...

of a place where the ocean is clear
and the waves are my lullaby
where the sun shines bright
and my smile never dulls.

one day i'll live among the stars,
until then your eyes will have to do.

There's a common misconception
when I tell people I have depression,
that I should be pitied or treated like glass,
like it makes me weak and unable.
Sometimes it ***** and my world caves in,
I don't know how to go on
and I can't seem to breathe.
There's something they don't realize,
I wouldn't change it for the world,
each day is a celebration of being alive,
of pain, and air, love and just even surviving.
Depression can make you weak
but it also makes me strong
and I love it, and me for that.

you know i never got to kiss him?
not even once.
never felt his lips up against mine
or  the grizzly brush of his scruff
                                          (he could never really grow a full beard)
i never got to kiss him on the cheek
or even hold his hands,
so worn and tired from hours working
                                          (or at least so it always seemed)
never rubbed his temples after a long day to help take the stress away
i could only ever imagine how he'd relax,
finally lift the weight of the world off his back
and place it ever so gently on mine,
                                          (you see, i already carry the world on my back, and since he was my world it wouldn't have weighed me down too much more)
i was strong enough to carry it, to carry him.
but i never got to help lift the burden of his life
maybe if i had, it wouldn't have crushed him..

heart beating through your shirt,
each thud echoing in my body
warm hands brushing cold skin,
sending shivers down my spine
lips brushing my hair,
sweet breath tickling my ear
muscles tensed, holding tight
a smile felt leads to a smile made
a sigh, a release,
our fingers intertwine
and I drift off to sleep.

the stars remind me of your eyes;
           so bright and brilliant
far, too clouded to see.

No one knows I tried to **** myself the other day.
No one knows I took a sip of my favorite wine
As I began to swallow each pill in the bottle ––
Or that I can't even look at that wine anymore.
No one knows I sat there crying, screaming silently
While my roommate chatted outside my door,
Unaware of what was happening inside.
No one knows about the letter I keep hidden in my bible ––
Or how my heart broke to think of who I'd leave behind
No one knows I had lost my will to fight––
At least not until your name popped up on my phone,
Answering my unspoken cry for help and making me promise to stay.
No one knows I wanted to die, but now instead,
Because of you, I live.

for once in my life I felt beautiful,
and I felt like I was enough.
for once in my life whispers didn’t matter,
I was someone no one could touch.
for once in my life I was committed
and didn’t feel any pressure,
for once in my life I was risky
yet had never felt more secure.
for once in my life, those 3 little words had a meaning,
and for once in my life I meant them
and I thought you did to.
for once in my life I let someone in,
and tried not to push them away.
for once in my life I am heartbroken,
because for once in my life I cared.
for the last time I will feel this way,
for the last time I will cry,
but for once in my life I was vulnerable,
and for once in my life I am sure
that I will never be anymore.

you have yours, i have mine
but they fit together so well
we're no longer together
no hope for our future
yet we're still always combined

you make me smile, i'll make you laugh
together things just seemed better
we're no longer together
but we're both always there
helping each other get through

you waited for me, i took too long
ruined our chances of happiness
but i'll always care for you so
just wanted you to know
how much you mean to me.

it does not matter how many times you tell me you love me
because that time when you wouldn't look me in the eyes is my most resounding memory
and no number of "you are beautiful"s
could ever undo the harm caused by my mother's spiteful eye
so instead i'll slip into another man's bed -
using their lust for me to fill my need to be wanted
and the distance of a one night stand
to avoid any further disappointment caused by my inevitable failure

I keep a picture of you on my phone,
But it's not the one you'd think ––
Not from the night when we met
Or of your goofy grin,
But the one from after your death.
I wasn't there. Never got to say goodbye.
And sometimes I forget that you're gone.
So I keep this picture saved to my phone
Of a face so withered and old ––
Barely recognizable, but it's all that I got
When you were all that I would have ever needed.

love me so, love me though
my heart is not yet at the ready.
see me through, see me new
a person rebuilding from thine past.
stabbed through the heart,
broken from the start
this romance doomed 'fore the bloom.
you love me so, you love me though
I cannot return the favour

We all think there will be more of it -
A better time to say how you feel,
Or let someone into your life.

We live in a world of “somedays” -
One days and eventualities
Living life on hold without even noticing.

Don’t wait until you’re holding on for dear life -
Wishing for the unspoken to be said,
Regretting your untaken opportunities
And screaming at the sky:
“Hey! Do you sell time?”

lines are drawn
feelings gone,
the realization comes at dawn.
lies have been told
it's getting old,
I can see it now, your heart is cold.
these games we play
in a dangerous way
and for that we both must pay.
I see the light,
done with this fight,
but moving on will take all my might.

you can pick your side
and i'll pick mine,
take our stances
on these lines
make a change
and take a chance,
I'm asking you
for one last dance
and promise me
that we won't fight
promise this,
before daylight
I'm praying that,
I'm begging it,
that this won't hurt
a little bit
you can take your side
and i'll take mine,
we'll wait behind
these borderlines.

It's funny how one moment can change you
Flip your whole world upside down
That's how I felt when I met you
In your eyes a new world to be found.

It's funny that you're so honest with me
A trait that's been lost over time
So easy to talk to and easy to know
In your words a new song to be sung.

It's funny that I feel this way about you
To barely know you yet feel so at ease
For the first time in a while things have changed
In you I see a piece of me.

can you hear them calling?
calling, calling her name
they're waiting for her to come.
they don't know her name,
but are aware of her pain;
they've been through it all before.
dressed to the nines,
linked together in lines
supporting one another indefinitely.
their personalities screaming out loud.
a sense of togetherness surrounds
dulling that pain in your heart
but one thig's the same,
barely noticeable at first;
determination and courage represented
in that little pink ribbon and a race,
laughing together, right in fear's face.

loving me is not like loving others
i will give you every piece of me
and ask for nothing in return -

feel emotions you never knew existed
exuding out of my pores
in a fragrance stronger than your grandmother's chanel

and losing me will not be like losing others
i will scratch and scream and bite
fight for you to love me;
fight for you to care -

hold on too tight
and let go too slow
- giving up has never been in my nature

and when i do you will see
that loving me was not like loving others;
my flames burn too hot
for anyone else to give you warmth

if you fail once,
stop trying altogether;
distance yourself from those who care
and keep
running
away.

never get close
or let anyone in
that way you'll never feel pain again-
for a soul can only break so much before it shatters.

fill yourself up with the sins of the world
they'll give you an illusion of happiness,
enough to keep going into your next dismal day.

****
yourself
slowly;
let each breath feel like a knife to your heart -
know only pain in a world full of suffering.

let the darkness overwhelm
until it begins to feel like home
and make your bed
in a pit of despair.

cry yourself to sleep,
and smile during the day -
suffer,
but let no one know.

All of a sudden i’m back to a wednesday afternoon
And i’m thirteen again,
Startled by a knocking on the door
Followed by an angry bellowing
And i see a face i had thought i was done with.
The door begins to creak open
Left unlocked and cracked,
The naivety of a trusting child
Excited to be home safe from a long day of school
And i push with all my might
To close and lock the door
Afraid he would get in -
Afraid of what would happen if he did.
Tears begin to fall,
Hesitant at first to leave my eyes
Then cascading down around me
Trying to drown my fear and myself -
He can’t **** me if i’m already dead.
Right?

I can hear myself screaming
And feel myself shaking
But i don’t feel like i’m there,
Trying to block it out,
Play it back like a movie
Where if i just wait long enough
The hero will come in
Save the day,
And save me.
A minute feels like an hour
As i pray and i pray and i pray
Hold onto myself for dear life,
Digging my fingernails into my skin
Trying to awake from this bad dream
Craving something sharper to help ease the pain
And the pounding continues
as i realize this isn’t a dream
Or a nightmare
But the nightmare my life has become
What did i do to deserve this?



In time the commotion ceases
I’m left alone
Trapped in a horror worse than before,
Wondering if he has left
Or is just waiting for me to stop hiding
Peek out from the basement,
See if he’s gone
Waiting….
Waiting for the perfect moment
To wrap his hands around my neck
Tell me he loves me one last time and end it
A final goodbye
The final ending
Dear god why did you abandon me at this crucial hour?

I cry myself to sleep that night
And for the next few as well
Coming home becomes a chore
Fills me with dread as i enter the driveway
I’m afraid to be alone
Lost in a panic
My mind’s always racing
And paranoia has set in like a blanket of doom
Always checking my back,
Wondering when he’ll appear
Finish the job he didn’t before
The days keep coming
The nights feel everlasting
I wish i could run away
Find somewhere that feels safe
Somewhere he’ll never be able to find me
But i’m trapped in this hell hole i call my mind
And I know that leaving won’t change a thing.
I just want to feel safe
Why can’t i ever feel safe?

guess it was the truth
when i said i loved you more
for this pain that's deep inside
has never hurt quite like this before.
it's funny how it all worked out -
you turned my world inside out
and took me on your wild ride
your love and laughter blinded me
now with this pain,
i still can't see
can't seem to get you out of my head,
miss talking to you at night in bed.

I keep trying to think of what to write,
I know it's there yet I can't find the words
and then I realize that it's already been written,
I've lived this story before,
with him five years ago.
But I delve in anyways, heart, soul and mind.
giving it up to a stranger that feels like home.

Maybe this time it will be different,
I really hope it's different,
as I fall in love again.

how lucky am i?
meeting the love of my life in disney and so young
how ****** was it?
i wrote our vows, and accidentally deleted them.
but you died so i guess you're *******.

The open road late at night,
Driving down 22 going 80 smoking a cig and smoking a bowl
That's when I feel most alive.
Taking the early exit just to drive by his house
One.
Last.
Time.

he tells me i’m a good person -
but he doesn't know i want to sleep with his best friend,
that sometimes i can't stand the sight of him
but know i have no where else to go.
he doesn't know how i dream of leaving,
taking off without a word
and hope it will break him to pieces.
he doesn't see the way my eyes glaze over,
purposefully tuning him out when he speaks
because i can't be bothered to listen
he thinks my kind words hold deeper meanings,
doesn't see my shallow promises
when i say i'll never leave.

The flowers have reached their bloom,
But the beauty can't compare
To the day we walked through their buddings
Catching up and making small talk,
Trying to avoid the goodbyes to follow.
We hugged goodbye and I avoided your kiss
The lingering taste would be too much to bear.
And the happy music blasted around
As I walked away with tear stained cheeks.
A month without you, too painful to bear...
How will I survive these next years...

i wanna scream,
i wanna shout,
cry real loud
and let it out.
i'm going down,
i watch me fall,
all alone
against this wall.
my heart is racing,
my head is spinning,
i've gone too far
no hope in winning.
my world has crumbled
where I stood
and screaming now
won't do no good.

I’m sick of being single
sick of being alone.
I’m sick of being angry,
sick of being tired.
I’m sick of being sad,
and feeling so depressed
I’m getting quite sickof it
and asking you for help.
I’m feeling like I’m drowning,
will you pull me out?

i've been running for months now
searching for what has been missing,
trying to find my way
to a home that does not exist.

i've been crying for months now
searching for another soul,
one as lonely as i
that can understand my pain

i've been scavenging for months now
searching for a way to survive,
selling the old me
in hopes that the new one will thrive

i've been loving you for months now
not that you'll probably ever know,
for your eyes draw me in
and your lips awaken my soul.

Then the tears came flowing
Pouring down her face
And the release in relinquishing her pain into the open,
Even if it was her alone in her room,
Brought a stillness of peace
At least, the closest thing to it she'd felt in a while
And so she wrote and she wrote and she wrote
Hoping it would take the pain out of her and onto the paper instead
Let her make sense of it all
And figure out what to do.
But no help came and the picture remained muddled
So with her tear stained cheeks she curled up to sleep
Praying it would be her last

running in circles
can't stop looking back
the memory of you chasing me
just waiting to attack.
the key to my heart
was stolen from me.
i just wanna let you go,
but i can't let it be
for a story unfinished
is a torturous thing
until all is said and done
neither can win.
a hand in my face
awakens my mind
and take it i do,
without another glance behind.

I miss you in the moonlight
And while standing in the sun
I miss the way you held me
Just can't believe we're done

I miss the way you saw me
It made me feel so free
I miss how you see the world
It filled mine with glee

I miss the simple pleasures
Like staying in bed all day
I miss holding your hand
And the way we lay

I miss the way you teased me
Can't even believe that this is so
I miss you more than imagined
Or you could ever know

I miss our time together
My escape, my peace and quiet
I miss how well we worked
I'll never find something like it

your smile is the serpent
to which I'll always be your Eve

I wanted to write something powerful about the time i was *****
But first i had to decide which one
There was that night in october my freshman year
When a guy i trusted took advantage of a young girl too drunk to realize
Or that time on christmas eve,
After a party, with a boy i ended up on a blind date with six months later
Or what about all those times someone forced themselves on me
And i was too ashamed to try and get away
Or guilted by them to say no,
Made me feel like i owed them my body.
Hands covering me even after i refused
As if telling me i don’t actually know what i want
Like if they just touched me anyways it would magically turn me on
Or that the way my body was curved to theirs was all the consent needed.

I tried to write about how i felt
But the feelings still overwhelm me,
Even after almost half a decade
How i was called a ****,
Told it wasn’t as bad as i made it sound,
Told that I was lying about how it affected me.
Told that he was drunk too,
Told that it was partly my fault
Told what a stand up guy he was
And when i think of that night;
i think of the next year
Him whispering in my ear during class
Hitting on me, trying to hang out
And feeling like i didn’t have a right to be...
To be…
I don’t even know how to say what i felt
Disgusted with him and with myself
Repulsed at the thought of my body when he was around
Sad, so incredibly sad that other people can understand my pain
I just get so overwhelmed i just become numb

And so here i am 4 years later,
Finally writing about the night i became just another number
Another statistic never truly understood
Forgot about in a day
But left with this pain for a lifetime
Still feeling the way he grabbed me
Mourning the loss of my body as my own
Trying to find the words to explain
But there are none to describe how it feels
When someone steals a part of you
That you can never get back,
Or the shame that hangs in the clouds
Even on your brightest days
So I’m sorry this wasn’t what i wanted it to be
But this is all i know how to say
About the days i can’t speak about.