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Niki Elizabeth Jun 2016
is this what you wanted;
to make me cry?
does this make you happy;
to see me slowly die?
because that's what i'm doing...
i'm dying inside,
this pain that  i'm feeling
it's eating me alive
i see my heart on the floor,
smashed and scattered
i don;t know what to do now,
i'm all bruised and battered
Niki Elizabeth Nov 2016
The winds blows over
As the sun caves in
And I can feel my heart being buried;
The way he looked at me -
No through me
Spoke louder than his screaming at my door.
And panic settled into me
Like the rocking chair my body had become
With the mantra of leave me alone, leave me alone, let me go in peace!
I knew this would be it -
My end if he got in;
For he had lost when he thought he would win
Didn't break me as much as he'd wanted to
Didn't become the pawn in his scheme
I rebelled and made my own way
Took the knife out of me and stabbed him straight through
This would be his revenge
The ending of my life
But in the end all I lost was my safety,
My feeling of comfort and stability
And without that I can grow freely
Without inhibition become who I know I can be
He tried to destroy who I was
But in the end he just helped me to see
Niki Elizabeth Aug 2014
Talking to you, it feels like home again.
We're not really saying anything
But that says everything
I miss you, I'll come visit,
How have you been?
It's better than nothing
And I'll take what I can get.
It's funny how far we can come,
How much things can change
Yet you're still my comfort
It's like you never hurt me
Back to being just friends.
But, we were never just friends
So here I guess we'll begin again.
Niki Elizabeth Aug 2014
To You,
I'd pinned all my hopes on you
now I'm feeling sad and blue
together we had so many dreams
and were so in love, or so it seemed.
I know I should get over you,
but I'm not sure I really want to
you had been the perfect guy,
can't believe I bought all those lies.

but now I can do what I want to
without worrying what you would do
now if only you could see
just happy I could be
without all the rules you had
worrying I would make you mad
there's part of me that wants you back,
but I realize it's too late for that
you've moved on and I should too,
it's something that we all must do.
our lives have change I'll be okay
the twenty-eighth will be just another day
I really loved you with all my heart
but now I'm ready or a fresh start
goodbye to you
I'm starting new,
but just so you know I really did love you.
**-From Me.
Niki Elizabeth Jun 2016
from the moment we met
you took my breath away
every time i think of you
i forget what i'm doing
it's like the world stands still
and it's only you and me
so how could you leave me?
i said always and you said forever
Niki Elizabeth May 2016
There are words
that need to be written,
but I can't seem to find them.
they keep me awake;
and searching
and searching...
reminding me of the past,
worrying about my future,
trying to figure out
where I went wrong
and all of the ways
I still could.
They say to just write
about what you feel;
but this pain extends deeper
than any given language
could ever hope to explain.
And if they don't exist
how can they be used
to help me recover?
When will I get a reprieve?
Find time for my poor soul to grieve.
Niki Elizabeth Nov 2016
if I could trade places with him I would.
if I had to give him up forever;
never see his face
or hear his voice
just to have him back in this world -
I could do it.
stab me through the chest and give my heart to him
let the beat run through his body and bring him back to life.
I will stand cut wide open and barely feel a thing
because just the knowledge that he is back
is better than any drug that he has ever done.
and I will give up my life,
dedicate it to him;
spend forever making sure he never feels anymore pain -
make sure he knows his worth.
I will carve his name into my skin and my soul;
let everyone know that I am his
and his alone.
living without him is not an option,
I will give him my last breath if that is what it takes.
Dear God,
give me one more day with him,
one more hour to say goodbye -
let me fill up his heart with love
so he can rest knowing how much he will be missed in this world
or let me go with him
and feel the everlasting fires in hell
or the peace of heaven
just let me never have to say goodbye to the one who gives me life.
I didn’t know a world with him in it
and now I cannot see one without.
in a place filled with darkness he gave me light,
a deluminator whose switch was crafted to turn on with words of love and understanding,
turn off by loneliness and desperation.
that white picket fence, it drove him insane;
wanted to get married at sixteen to a wild child who just wanted to fly
I didn’t know where I was going
or where I would end up
but I wanted him there when i got there
and I didn’t know how to convey that,
broke his spirit and his heart,
he went mad with his need for a family and my resistance to comply,
so young and in love
yet so confused we spun a fairytale into a nightmare
and turned our dreams into dust.
Niki Elizabeth Aug 2014
that first  twenty-four  hours
i can't even describe how it changed me
those weeks where we spent all day in bed.
all the times we forgot to eat
too lost in each other to remember the big things
it's funny to think, it's been five  months since we kissed,
the last time i got to taste you,
and three, three  months since i last felt your embrace
fixing my world in that moment,
just like you always do
then those two  months in between,
the worst time of my life
having you so close, yet so far
not being able to hear your voice
or feel your warmth
it's been five  months since we said goodbye
when a minute turned into an hour
making every second count
Niki Elizabeth Sep 2015
"i love you, but i can't do this right now.
i need a break to think.
we can try again in a bit."

Do you know how stupid that is?
You don't get to pick and choose when to be with me.
You don't get to wait 'til it's easier and less stressful.
Life will always be stressful,
and love is never easy.
I guess I should have expected this,
from a boy who still likes Hollister.
Niki Elizabeth Sep 2017
I live my life on the phone,
listening to the never ending ringing
and a pre-recorded voicemail
asking me to leave a message.
it's not even your voice,
which is all I've been longing for
the twang in it,
the way you say your name,
the way you say mine.
I miss you,
I love you.
my body craves your touch
but my soul,
it craves your sound
and the way it makes me feel.
five years ago it started
and since then I've spent it waiting,
always waiting,
waiting for you to love me
like I have always loved you.

For years I stayed through his ****,
a compulsive liar, selfish, demanding, always too serious.
But i loved him all the same.
Now I stand alone,
left in the cruelest way possible.
Ruined before,
now ruined even more.
The drugs,
they won him over
and now the drugs,
they help me cope.
I was lost with a road map,
But now even that's been burned
and I can't see which way is up.
I guess I'll just keep staying,
waiting on forever.

It just *****.
That's what I tell everyone when they ask me how I'm doing
And don't take my half hearted okay for the ******* answer it is.
It just ***** ya know?
He went barreling out the this world
just as suddenly as he came stumbling into mine.
Niki Elizabeth Mar 2017
i've never loved and hated someone so much in my life
sometimes i wonder how we ever got together,
feel the break up in each word we hiss out
for our beliefs will never be aligned.
i wonder how i never saw it,
his contempt for love and life
Niki Elizabeth Jul 2014
I miss your arms around me
Enveloping like wild weeds,
How you held me tight
Like you needed me to breathe
I miss the way we fit
Like awkward puzzle pieces
How you'd get annoyed
But I'd soothe it all with kisses
We weren't meant to be
Yet we needed each other,
Two lost sounds in this world
Oh how I wish we weren't over.
Niki Elizabeth Jul 2017
in saving me you have ruined me,
i mean not to say that losing you is a heartbreak from which i cannot recover
nor that i wish you any ill will
in fact i wish you nothing at all
my heart no longer aches for you because it seems to have run away
where i once held love there now holds nothing
and my optimism has been replaced with an animosity towards life
i can no longer hurt because i can no longer care
and for that i have you to thank.
you molded me to your will
and in leaving solidified my shape.
your callousness sanded me against the grain;
making me rough to the touch,
creating a masterpiece of mistakes
ruining my once spotless canvas with a torrent of messy fingers
creating a now messy heart.
and i don't know where to go from here
because i've never been this person,
nor do i like this person.
she is not me but i have lost my way back to who i was
pictures and songs give fleeting memories
of what i once thought was happiness
but now i am sure of nothing at all.
i can go through the motions,
i know what to say
but the feeling never comes
and i fear it may be lost it forever.
i wished for you to never let me hurt again,
should have been more specific.
Niki Elizabeth Sep 2014
because loving you is my favorite thing
and i could spend all day and night
just staring into your eyes,
even if it's through a computer screen,
with 89 miles between us,
but i'd walk that distance if i had to
just to be held in your arms
because falling asleep next to you
brings me joy that i can't comprehend
and hearing your voice say my name
brings me to peace and makes it okay.
because of you i have learned how to love
old scars from the past have vanished,
and i know how to guard myself from you
but doing that would not be to my advantage
because falling for you is inevitable
and all i can do is pray you'll catch me
whisper to me softly
and tell me you'll stay here always.
Niki Elizabeth Jul 2015
I'd forgotten what it was like,
to feel alive, cared for and wanted.
I'd forgotten that I thrive,
on talking so late at night.
Then you came into my life,
flipped my world right over.
The beauty for life in your eyes,
gave mine a new order.
Niki Elizabeth Jul 2014
once i thought i was straight.
i dated a guy,
wrote about a girl
and blamed it on him not loving me.

once i thought i was gay
then his name popped up
i remembered how much i loved him
and blamed it on her distance.

now i've realized i'm human

and i only have myself to blame.
Niki Elizabeth Sep 2014
i miss writing,
even more than i miss you.
but you were my writing,
my hopes,
my inspirations,
my dreams,
and my heartbreaks.
but now you're gone...
and so is my writing
Niki Elizabeth Jun 2016
I believed all your lies,
all those stories that lead to goodbyes
"I'm not going anywhere,
and I will always, always be there"
what a bunch of bull you told me.
here hoping, praying that you will soon see;
you broke your promise,
broke my heart,
so was it a lie from the start?
you kept of playing with my feeling
now i'm just sitting here while you're leaving.
my heart is broken, broken bad
never thought I could be this sad,
what you did I can't forgive
and now i must find a way to live
with this hole that you have left;
in my heart and in my life.
Niki Elizabeth Mar 2016
He made me feel alive,
And you...
you make me feel secure.
But I never liked feeling secure -
I thrive on the chaos,
I create it.
The craziness makes me feel sane
and gives me the clarity so lacking when I first created the mess.
Now I go along fixing it;
Solving problems,
Working my *** off
All while smoking myself into oblivion.
Bars every night at midnight,
My bed left untouched most hours of the day -
With the trash over flowing
And clothes strewn all over the room.
He fed my wild spirit,
ours on the road make me feel more at home than any place ever could.
Now I have a home and now I have you -
But something in me is lacking,
I thrive on the chaos,
I was never meant to stay.
Niki Elizabeth Sep 2017
The patter of an early evening rainstorm awakens her
and she untangles her sweaty limbs from those of her lover.
The sun has begun to set;
the thrill of adventure calls to her once more.
He begins to stir, awoken by her chaotic movements;
And lazily admires her beauty as she sifts through mounds of overdue laundry,
still smelling of suntan lotion and chlorine,
in search of the perfect shirt.
She’s late, as always,
She can hear her friends are outside in the car -
blasting throwbacks and spilling drinks
as the laugh and scream for her to hurry.
They fly through the night -
windows open letting the cool breeze filter the air thick of smoke and jubilance
All too eager to reach their destination;
moon children growing restless under the stars.
The ocean calls her home and its salty air clears her mind
as flames shoot out of the fire,
crackling and popping in the midnight sky.
Cheers are heard as bottles are passed;
pulling her head back out of the clouds.
Champagne to welcome the sunrise,
whiskey to bid summer adieu.
Daylight begins to break -
she takes one last drag of her cigarette and turns to go.
He’s still sleeping when she arrives,
this time she’s more careful not to wake him when she leaves.
The morning dew on bare feet remind her it’s time to move on -
the mountains are calling her name and to them she would roam;
it was always temporary,
changing with the seasons.
But to him -  
she tasted like skittles,
and she smelled like summer;
one he would never forget.
Niki Elizabeth May 2016
talk about restless;
minutely i change my mind
make plans,
change them,
forget about them,
and make more plans.
blend them together
now pull them apart.

i do the same with my looks
and my words
and my thoughts...
that's the scary part;
for a girl so restless,
you sure make me wanna stay.
Niki Elizabeth Jul 2014
why do you make my heart beat so fast?
i feel like it's pounding out of my chest.
i don't know how much longer i can take it
i fear it will stop all together, be put to rest.
they say love is butterflies,
but instead mine are hawks
and a venom in my blood
i don't know what to do
and i don't know what to say,
all i know is that i need you
yet you remain so far away.
you used to be mine but now are hers
and how that happened i'll never know
but just your name drives me crazy
you're my highest high and my lowest low.
Niki Elizabeth Aug 2014
like an animal waiting to pounce,
the effects are disastrous
and tough to undo.
she’s dying to be noticed,
dying to be loved.
she’s crying at night,
it’s her lullaby.
there’s a mask on her face
that hides all the worry,
locks all the pain inside.
when you look into her eyes,
look into her soul.
don’t stop just on the surface.
she’s crying inside and asking herself,
why can’t anyone hear me?
Niki Elizabeth Jul 2014
I want to be to you
what Ginger was to Fred;
          always together,
Niki Elizabeth Jul 2014
my sometimes boyfriend
sometimes lover,
be my protection
and my cover
for love is easy
but not always true,
lust is simple
and I lust for you.
it takes me away
and frees my mind,
for just a little while
I can escape this bind.
your body on mine,
our hands intertwined,
kisses all over
and for a moment all mine.
but it can never last
and life goes on
but for now it's you and me,
at least until dawn.
Niki Elizabeth Jun 2016
i just want to keep writing about you forever
i have so many things to say about you
so many things left to tell you
how much i loved you,
how much you changed me...
but honestly, i think i just write to pretend you never left...
Niki Elizabeth Jul 2014
if nothing lasts
but nothing fades
what is left
for us to gain.
hide your fears
behind the wall
count you steps
don't lose it all.
shadows conceal
but the sun is bright
our pasts revealed
in the light.
what hands can open
curtains cover
don't stow away,
love one another
it's all we've got
yet it doesn't exist
don't be afraid
to find you way,
don't look back
keep going, don't stop
when word ***** turns out kinda poetic sounding
Niki Elizabeth Jul 2014
when i fall you're there to catch me
when i'm too weak to stand we lay,
side by side always together:
forever and a day

six years ago we met
and my life was changed forever
knew it then i didn't,
how you'd stand by me whenever

through stormy skies
and peaceful nights
we're stronger together
fighting these fights

you mirror the good and blur the bad
your heart good and true,
without you to guide me
i don't know what i'd do

together we'll dance
together we'll rise
together we'll make it
to see brighter skies.
just a little ode to my mirror for always being my person.
Niki Elizabeth Nov 2016
what happens when i love you isn't enough
when it can't hold you together any longer
or fix the brokeness of your hearts.
what happens when you have to leave
save yourself and run
even if it means leaving your heart behind
what happens when goodbye doesn't
and leaving brought you closer together
will i love you finally be enough?
Niki Elizabeth Nov 2016
Needless to say I was ******,
I was absolutely distraught;
craving time to scream and yell and cry -
only i couldn't, couldn't render myself vulnerable;
let anyone see me failing -
even as i brought the gun to my temple
Niki Elizabeth Jul 2014
can't find what I've been looking for
and thinking that there's gotta be more
it's not fair to just wait it out
love dims and is replaced by doubt
the fire inside us is dying now
it's useless for us to keep lying now
maybe our love was never meant to be
a future together now tough to see
together you made me so much stronger
thought we woulda held on longer
guess by now I should know better,
walking alone in this rainy weather.
Niki Elizabeth Nov 2014
Society wasn't meant to handle us
be able to understand us;
and so we cannot understand ourselves.
They don't know what it is like to feel and see everything so deeply and vibrantly
that you begin to feel and see no more.

Instead they diagnose us and they “treat” us.
Say it with me:

But I will not be ashamed. I stand proud
Because while the drugs may dull and fix the pain on the surface,
I remain an anomaly, something so rare and unique ––
Something so misunderstood they're afraid and don't know what to do.
uncontrollable, unrestrainable,
Niki Elizabeth Aug 2014
Why do I feel so empty?
This weekend with you is all that I've wanted in a while.
So then why do I feel so sad?
Her name keeps popping up everywhere.
I wish I knew where we stood,
And where you stand with her,
Where you stand at all.
I just want to be with you and forget about it all
*But I feel like there's another person in bed with us right now.
Niki Elizabeth Sep 2017
All of a sudden the air felt heavy;
I’d heard her name one too many times,
dreamt of her in my place for yet another night.
He could claim I was the one -
but her memory still lingered on the walls,
slowly suffocating me more each day.
Niki Elizabeth Jul 2014
you're trying to stay mad,
but there's a twinkle in your eye.
and that dimple on your cheek
makes it impossible to lie.
I'm trying to look tough
but my walls begin to waiver.
hide from you, I can't
and not doing so is braver.
a look, a smirk, a sigh,
open books to each other
yeild our poker faces useless
yet we pretend not to know better.
Niki Elizabeth Apr 2016
the tears are gone,
I'm on my own,
don't bother knocking
cuz nobody's home
I'm rid of you
it was meant to be
those feelings are gone
it's time you leave,
leave me alone,
just go away.
don't talk to me
I don't care what you say.
kiss me not,
I don't love thee now,
our love is over
I swear, I vow.
Niki Elizabeth Jul 2014
the tears are gone
I'm on my own,
don't bother knocking
cuz nobody's home
I'm rid of you
it was meant to be.
those feelings are gone
and it's time you leave.
leave me alone,
just go away
don''t talk to me
I don' care what you say.
kiss me not
I don't love thee now,
our love is over
I swear, I vow.
Niki Elizabeth Jun 2016
jealousy, the green-eyed monster
dangerous as a fiend.
it waits to pounce,
creeping in the shadows
it takes control, it takes over,
making you paranoid.
your jealousy,
your green-eyed monster
is making me want to give up.
Niki Elizabeth Jun 2016
there's a hole in my heart,
it's where you used to be.
to the outside world
i still look happy and carefree
but it's a hallow facade
and it's fading fast,
i can't sleep,
can't eat,
i can't think!
not with you always on my mind.
you are driving me crazy,
i'm going insane!
i just need you here with me,
to help ease this pain.
Niki Elizabeth Sep 2014
I knew who you were coming in -
I'd heard her name before
but still I dove in head first
and they told me about your ways -
how you'd love and leave
breaking hearts without care.
That you didn't even try to
but her name was always there.
No one really knows what happened
or why she controls you so.
It's over and she's not waiting -
why can't you be over her too?
Niki Elizabeth Jun 2016
it's kinda funny that every time someone asks me how he died
i know i have to tell them he was a ****** addict with a bad batch of ******
then autocorrect takes over -
and it's "he was a heroine addict with a bad ***** of a heroine"

one rehab after another - he tried to get sober -
but always ran back to drugs
one relationship after another - he looked for someone to save him -
but always ran back to me

maybe i'll stop trying to fix my auto-correct
******, heroine - what's the difference?
we both killed him in the end
Niki Elizabeth Apr 2016
broken stories,
broken trust
once thought love,
now revealed as lust.
mystery surrounding words,
meanings unclear.
I'm losing you
and all held dear.
hate filled lies
from a broken heart,
black brush strokes,
across delicate art.
no life to live,
no life to love.
searching for guidance
from up above.
can't understand
what you say now,
these bitter words
are ringing loud
keep all the hurt
locked inside...
my tears,
from you,
I must hide.
Niki Elizabeth Sep 2017
in truth i was always leaving-
so much in fact,
i wasn't sure that i ever truly arrived.

i was drawn to the places i was not,
seduced by minds not yet understood
and enticed by paths left unexplored.

the world is too vast to stay put -
i will follow where the wind go,
consume the knowledge of all i meet
and soak in the wonder of the skies.

for i am insatiable and always wanting,
unable to soothe my wandering soul;
home has never had a name,
nor love a heart to hold.

but please sit with these weary bones;
give me a place to lay my head,
i'll stay with you till morning -
and wait to begin again.
Niki Elizabeth Nov 2016
i know it's coming -
the gut wrenching,
life stopping heart break.
i can see it in his eyes
when he says i love you
and feel it in his arms
when he holds me at night.
even with words of comfort
and planning of our future
i know the end is coming -
wait patiently for him to come clean
and confess his love for her
for i am a storm,
and her a safe habor
and he wishes for peace
Niki Elizabeth Mar 2016
such a pretty girl
with such sad little eyes.
good at hellos,
but better at goodbyes.
she walks the road,
her music blaring,
heart stone cold,
hope waning.
she's living on some **** and wine,
pretending that soon,
it'll be all fine.
her liver's failing,
her thoughts are sailing.
you'll see her come
and see her go
never realizing,
you'll never know;
who she was
or what she did,
how she tried her might to bring some peace.
Niki Elizabeth Nov 2016
I talk a lot about staying strong -
But I don’t feel strong
Too weak for tears to even leave my eyes.
I speak words of why I live -
Endless reasons to keep breathing
When in truth I just don’t know how to die.
I preach of loving yourself -
Finding beauty in every day
But see my own world in shades of grey.
I write about bravery and growth -
Living my own adventure
When it’s always been for others that I’ve stayed.
Niki Elizabeth Sep 2015
Do you ever feel so cold,
almost burning yourself to get warm
yet never succeeding, never feeling soothed
only to realize it all came from within.
Niki Elizabeth Jun 2016
i'll give you my heart
if you promise not to break it,
it's been you from the start
and we'll be the ones who make it.
you're my sunshine
when i'm sad and blue,
i trust you with my life
and i'll tell you i do.
a world without you,
not one i want to see
for as long as you're with me,
happy in love is what i will be.
Niki Elizabeth Nov 2016
I loved you and you turned me to stone -
Took my soft words of caring
And sharpened them into daggers.
Stabbed me right through,
Cut out my heart
And left me to bleed out on the floor -
Stole the hope I had left and gave it to her
Used my kindness for your own personal gain
And got angry when I had nothing left to give

I loved you and you turned into a monster -
Or maybe you always were
And I was just too blind to see it.
The anger when things didn’t go your way -
When I stopped walking on eggshells
And began to raise my voice

I loved you and you destroyed me -
Broke me to pieces I may never repair
Rid my world of all that was good
Made sure I’d never feel safe;
That no place would ever feel like home
Forever bound to roam
Reminiscing on my life
Before I truly knew how hate could ****
Niki Elizabeth Aug 2016
i love you isn't a strong enough word
it can't articulate how my heart flutters every time i see your face
or that when your arms are around me nothing in the world could be wrong
it doesn't describe the longing i have every moment that we're apart
or how i'd rather die than spend a single minute without you in my life
i love you does not contain the emotions i feel
it can't imagine the bliss that exudes when you kiss me on the forehead
or the giddiness of when you pull me in close and hold me like you'll never let go
it doesn't understand that kissing you feels more important than breathing
or all the ways you feel like home
i love you just won't work
there aren't enough letters in the alphabet to explain the way my heart beats for you
or the fear that festers inside and drives me insane when i think of you leaving
i love you will never be enough to make it clear how much you mean to me and the worth you've added to my life
but if you give me the chance i'll spend every day trying to make you understand
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