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581 · Jan 2016
Almost but maybe not
NicoleRuth Jan 2016
I almost kissed your friend that night
As the warm night crept on
Hazy music being grooved to
Long limbs entranced in the rhythm
His encouraging smile amused me
Those uncoordinated moves encouraged me
We let loose our wild side for all to see
No insecurities holding us back
And when you strayed away to unknown company
I wondered vaguely
Of the possibility of him
That drunken smile a fascinating attraction
But as the final seconds of the year strained by
It was in your arms I stood
Your warm face my fingers touched
Your lips my own kissed

A pause of hesitance ignored by you
As a fleeting thought of my new attraction
Raced by
But in the end
It was to you I went
For it is you that I held the possibility of hope
And maybe a spark of love
574 · Jul 2017
Mister Cat
NicoleRuth Jul 2017
Dear Mr. Cat
Quite the adventures you and I have had
From needy cats purring
And bedrooms with water overflowing
What a frightfully weird story we seem to be writing

Our somewhat poor choices
Our every days
Don’t they amuse you?
For they do me and so much more
But that’s all I can say
For revealing too much
Would leave things better left untouched
Stretched too wide and far too open
For all to see
The silly vulnerability that is me

Oh Mister Cat
Why couldn’t this have worked out?
With your sweet silences and my childish pout
We could have drawn up our own world
One as beautiful as was bold
Filled with mysterious melodies and subtle guitar strumming
And endlessly endless chapters
Filled with my reckless wonderings

You and I Mister Cat
Have a bond so special
One I could barely begin to define
Every second spent with you
Was worth all the time
Impossibly divine
My silly heart chimes
Ignorant of harsh realities you’ve seen
Lost in the world of what could have been

But such things are better written than spoken
Wiser in books that carelessly left out in the open
For you are you
And I, ever changing
Far too young to be thinking of dating
Our time is now up
The bells claim with their clanging
So won’t you just kiss me
Be mine this one last time
Before you go back to swiping online?
NicoleRuth Aug 2015
It is a continuous cycle.
You meet someone.
You grow close.
Slowly with time you heal each others wounds
Sew up all the open gashes
Fix together the broken pieces
Only with time to open new ones
Smashing the fragile pieces to dust
Carving your own memories with knives
Onto each others scarred skin
And once again
Moving away as strangers
It is a cycle
The scarring
The healing
The scarring once again.
573 · Mar 2015
An unexpected loss
NicoleRuth Mar 2015
Rich or poor
Smart or foolish
Beautiful or not so

Big or small each and every human life is precious.
Important and priceless.
You don't have to have been the most powerful man alive
To have a life that mattered.

The loss is great
Greater still for those who knew him
Who valued his company
Who loved his heart
Who understood his soul.

A life was lost today.
Too young and innocent
To have been snatched away
So cruelly
From the clasp of loved ones.

You needn't have known him
To feel their loss
You needn't have loved him
To feel their pain

A life was lost today.
A boy was taken away.

17/01/2015
570 · Jul 2015
i almost did
NicoleRuth Jul 2015
Growing up I never had any pets
My adorable baby brother grew to be the centre of all attentions
My parents were way to busy working
Keeping us afloat
To pay attention to this skinny dreamy girl
I've been to crèches
Where the owners 18 year old son used to hit me
I've sat at the doorsteps of my house
Hours and hours
Hoping the cook would let me

Home lost its appeal
I saw it as a place to live
Not a place to love
Loneliness grew to be my closest companion
My dreams and troubles too complicated
For the simple minds of 8 year olds
12 years later
Things have changed
I've grown into a woman
One I could someday admire
But the 8 year old hasn't left
The one who craves love
Who sits by the doorstep of faith knocking
Begging for the strength to hold on

12 years later we got ourselves a tortoise
Marco the solitary explorer of our house
He was not mine to keep or love
A birthday gift just for my brother
But he grew on us all
Bringing out slowly the love we had long since locked away
In my recent months of hiding
He became my companion
Someone so tiny
Who could never speak
Yet listened so intently when I spoke
Whose curiosity and laziness rivalled my own
We had a understanding
A relationship
I was always careful with him
His tininess terrified me
I've hurt too many in the past
Not this time I vowed

But I ******* it all up
Early morning routines passed in a hurry
My selfishness got the better of me
As I hustled into another work day
And just as I lugged my work for the day into the next room
I felt something hit my foot
And a squeak that turned my blood to ice
There he was
Hidden inside his shell which lay upside down
Time slowed down to seconds
As I rushed to set him straight
Praying he was okay

And even though my mom says he's okay
I can't get rid of the guilt
That painful squeak runs clear in my mind every passing second
I don't deserve him
I could have killed him
I almost did
The problem is always with me

I'm the hurricane of insanity
Of fuckedupness redefined
I could have killed him
I almost did
563 · Sep 2014
Conflicting Perceptions
NicoleRuth Sep 2014
Hair as wild as the Amazon                 Hair crazy and wild
  holding secrets I do not                 that tickles me when we
   wish to know                                  sleep in a drunken haze
                                                            ­               on a tiny bed

   Eyes that scream an                   Eyes colored and different
   intensity I do not                                   that see through the
   wish to pierce me                       smokescreen of my words
                                                           ­                   of deception

Voice as deep                                 Voice that calls me back
as the Mariana trench                       to a place of sanity
  I do not wish to hear                            caressing me to                                     at 4 am                                                    comfort   

Heart tender undercooked flesh           Heart as big as the
  I do not wish to see tear                   population of india
                                                     loving my scars and bruises
                                                         ­       unconditionally

      Keep away .                *Please stay, just one more day.
563 · Apr 2015
Kieffer.
NicoleRuth Apr 2015
It started of with curiosity
New accents to acquaint to

It moved on to annoyances
Deliberate proddings to infuriate

It turned into fondness
Awkward humour to laugh to

It grew into likeness
A desire of life unquenchable

It strengthened into friendship
Another pair to add to the greats

It infinitized into soulhood
Arm in arm forever to be a joy

We never did things the conventional way. Experiences is all we asked for. Countless memories we were gifted with. Souls merged in an iron friendship to live endlessly

Past present future, it shall go on.
562 · Mar 2016
Almost Goodbyes
NicoleRuth Mar 2016
I know right now the last thing you could ever want
Is something from me
I'm sure you're readying yourself to block me
Across every forum possible
Snipping away every cord of connection from me
Erasing our memories though how colourful they were
The deals the promises the kisses
The looks the hands the love
You wish to forget it all
Focusing only on the darkness
In a ploy to remove my existence from your life
It is your choice to do so if you wish
But rash cruel decisions we always regretted
A field I have far too much experience in
Though you do not wish to acknowledge
It to me anymore
I shall say it again
I love you

There are many kinds of loves in this world
and not every one is meant to last
But it doesn't for a second mean it isn't important
You ask what was the point of it?
Well the same can be said about life could it not?
What is the point if in the end we all have to die?
The reason the answer my sweet boy
Is that it's an experience
We need all kinds of loves in our lives
It helps us grow, lights a fire inside us
Fixes our wounds and gives us
Pages of memories crucial to our existence
When you have loved someone
No matter what happens, it never dies
Your heart just grows larger  
fills more people inside it

I promised you once
When you looked into my eyes and held my body
You asked me to never let you go
So I won't. Even if you push me away I will hold on
I'll always be there for you
Whenever you need me I'll come back
And if you wish to not have to keep in touch I won't
Though it would hurt me a great deal to do so
But il always wait this promise isn't a lie
I shall wait and welcome you
Whenever you wish to come back with open arms

We have far too little time on this earth
To spend it in hatred
I wish you wouldn't
*** I don't. Couldn't. Even if I tried.
Our end had its coming. But it isn't one
With a finality
Honestly
I'm glad we didn't walk away that day
I'm glad I held on
And I tell you this I meant every word
But I guess as humans we aren't perfect
But I'm glad I got one more week with you
To kiss you
To remind you that I loved you
To hold you in my arms
It was never about exploring or other men
It never could have been
We were I guess just too extreme for eachother
And my own fuckedupness
which you know only a shred of

All I wanted to say is
I wish you the happiest of lives
You are one of the most brilliant men I have met
I believe in you completely
No failure will ever hold you down
You are destined to be brilliant.
You just have to believe
You are whole. And beautiful and perfection.
You have no idea about the number of tears I shed
More for my loss of soul friend
Than for a loss of lover
You've made me laugh and cry and angry and smile so much
these past months
You made a dent in my soul
Helped me grow and become a better person
I will always be grateful for your strength
For your love and for your belief

You are one of the best men I know
You will remain in my heart
and I shall never erase your memories
They rest forever with me
Please try not to think too harshly of me
I wasn't enough for you and couldn't make you happy
That is why it had to end
I want to see you happy
You deserve it completely
and I won't hold you back
I give you all my love
And hope sincerely each passing day
That some day
One day
I can meet you again.
545 · Mar 2017
Let's be more?
NicoleRuth Mar 2017
Maybe women's day is more than just a trending hashtag?

Maybe women's day is about something deeper than brands posting empowering messages just to get likes?

Maybe women's day is more about appreciating the struggle of others that makes you privileged rather than a day to enjoy free drinks and cupcakes?

Maybe just maybe it's about spending the other 364 days appreciating your blessings and fighting for the rights of others to enjoy them to.

Let's take a moment to step away from the digital sphere and truly embody what equality for all means.

After all man, woman or child, the change starts with YOU.
544 · May 2015
A chapter I'd never regret
NicoleRuth May 2015
As predicted we parted ways
The crossroads were inevitable
A destiny our friendship could not escape
Equipped with this knowledge still couldn't prepare me for the break
It broke my heart to admit those unmentionables
We had become different people
wanting different things from life

No longer could we stand beside each other in happiness
Every encounter turned from joy to distaste
We made promises at every turn
Knowing full well
we would never keep them
Time pulled us away from each others love
Erasing slowly our shared past
It was a slow yet silent end
The final seal set in place with
the official end of college frivolity

I don't hate you for this end
We both were equally responsible for it
Yet my regrets seem stronger than your own emotions
For I have loved you for many a day
And this was not what I dreamed of
A future without your bright presence in it

With the end of my college years
I close this chapter of you
Your stay was shorter than I wished it to be
But the experience
was nothing short of beauty
Filled with love, happiness and
a lot of arguments
Not to mention beers
Carlsberg white elephant in Cafe New York shall not be forgotten
I wish you all the happiness in the world
You are a bright light that I hope
is never extinguished

There are soo many people I may never meet, hug, love and kiss
But I am so glad I could do it all with you
Even for the shortest time
Its memories shall not be forgotten
with yesterday's half eaten sandwich
But shall burn brightly in my heart
for all days to come.
537 · Sep 2014
Whiskey illusions
NicoleRuth Sep 2014
You sit there with your scotch

reminiscing in the beauty of

the past

Your gaze slightly unfocused,

skin glowing softly in the pale

light of the screen.

I sneak a peak at you before

gulping down my own drink

its iciness chilling me right

down to my toes

Goosepimples erupt haphazardly

on my skin, a warm sensation

rushing up the planes of my

body.

I feel the full force hit my brain

in seconds

throwing my vision off balance

for a few seconds.

I close my eyes and can feel

my heart beat trying

to break the bonds of my ribs.

With a hasty deep breath I

open my eyes once again

admire the beauty of

your face.

One I believe to have been

sculpted lovingly

by Zeus himself.

Your fingers brush against

my skin to gain my

attention.

Their touch ever so slightly,

igniting my own with an

unending thirst.

a thirst only your submission

can quench.

I can see your soft lips move,

words rolling off so gracefully

but I cannot hear them.

I'm lost once again, in the

lines of your face.

You look my way in confusion,

wondering the cause of my

abrupt silence.

A silence I usually filled with

my cheery thoughtless words

that amused you ever so.

Your eyes meet mine and

once again I'm lost.

Drowning in the pools of

those pupils that reflect

the deep sadness of oceans.

My brain stops functioning

going pitch black like the night.

Words weigh a ton

struggling to leave the safety of my lips.

I slowly get up, wobbling

in the daze of alcohol.

My eyes glued to yours,

strung together in an

invisible connection

I cannot decipher.

My hand reaches out for yours

trembling in anticipation and

fear of the unknown path I've

set forth on.

Your hand finds mine in that

pale light and holds it firm,

reassuring my movements.

Your eyes still fixed on mine.

I move too quickly in my

excitement

tripping on your carelessly

thrown t-shirt.

Immediately your other hand

shoots out

grabbing my waist painfully

in an attempt to steady

me.

Yet I fall nonetheless

straight onto your lap, the

plastic chair creaking in protest

at the added weight.

And then once again there is

silence.

A silence

soon broken by the

sleepy mumblings of a

passed out friend which

falls on deaf

ears.

Your arms snake themselves

around my insufficient waist

holding me close.

Your cheek resting against my

long neck with a sigh.

No words spoken,

None are needed.

My own arms sneak slowly like

caterpillars crawling up your

back and resting themselves

around your neck

With your hair brushing

against them softly

with the sway of the wind.

This all feels new but

comfortable all the same.

We sit like this for what

seems to be hours

just holding each other.

Our hearts beating against

eachothers chest.

Competing with the speed of

the other.

And soon too soon,

its time

for us to pull away.

Reality slips in without us

realizing its presence until  

its too late.

I try to keep it at bay

failing miserably in

doing so.

I can feel myself being

pulled away from you

but I hold onto you,

like a babe to his

mother in fear.

You are my life boat.

The only buoy of hope that

floats across my ocean of

misery.

I can feel the claws of doom

dig into my flesh.

Ripping me away, ruthlessly

from the saviour of my soul.

The pain keeps on growing

until I can feel it in my

very veins.

Burning my flesh away

in an infinitious fire of

sadness.

There's nothing more I can

do now.

Once again I've been trapped

by Hell's very own furnaces

of hopelessness

that burn to cinder even

a microscopic shred of hope

that could cool off a cell of misery

I live with

each day....
529 · Feb 2015
Untitled
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
Is it weird that I know how soft your skin is
As I dream of it brushing softly against mine?

Is it weird that I remember your scent
As I drink it in each time we meet?

Is it weird that I feel your delicate lips
As I dream of them tracing the planes of my body?

Is it weird that I love how you hug me
As I pull back each time, only to be held longer by your arms?

Is it weird that I have all these raging emotions inside me
As I think of you in the oddest of moments?

And most of all
Is it weird that I can say that
Every cell in my body loves you
But in my heart all I want
Is for you to be my best friend
Nothing more?
520 · Dec 2015
Dear boy,
NicoleRuth Dec 2015
Failure may seem to be a demon latched onto your soul
but fear not for his hold is weak
For he knows you are destined for more
You were born to be the best
and that soon enough
You will step on failure's ugly head
and move up with no fear
Your love pushing you to be the better
Until soon you become the Jack Sparrow of the seas
but hopefully without the thieving
A Captain with a course of his own

You are destined for better
Let no one tell you different
The demons will fail their goals
To break you down
For I know one day you'll reach yours
504 · Feb 2015
An idea
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
Sitting beside you in absolute silence
It finally hits me
The answer that evaded me
All these past months

It is not you I love
It is not your touch I crave
It is not your voice I wish to awake to

It was the idea of you
That I fell in love with
An idea so powerful
It stole your being in an attempt
to manifest into reality
Stole your heart to project itself honestly

And foolish little me fell
Fell deep deep in love
Mistaking an idea for you
*** you were the mask behind which idea hid
You were the soul which idea stole
You an innocent victim to Idea's plans

Though the truth of the matter is,
I love you boy
        Wholeheartedly
Your words have the power to make me smile
In the darkest of days
Your hugs have the power to comfort my trembles
Your actions have the power to amuse me in the silliest of ways

But still,
I love idea far more
502 · Feb 2015
You were mine
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
You were my ray of sunshine,
brightening my hectic days.

You were my pillar of stone,
a protector from the rising storm.

You were my ocean of comfort,
enveloping me in your unending love.

You were my tornado of madness,
******* up my dramatic moments.

You were mine
and baby that's all I cared about.
499 · Apr 2016
One Step Forward
NicoleRuth Apr 2016
Sitting together cross legged
Our naked bodies just inches away
Lungs breathing in the same stale air
Hearts beating at a slightly erratic pace
Mine vehemently moving forward
Determined foolishly to make the most
Of the possible slipping final days

Looking up
My eyes gaze upon his body
One I believed to be the epitome of beauty
Stopping finally at his face
I sigh with resign
A lone tear making its way down my scarred cheeks
It’s not fair I think
This possibly being our last time
For I doubt I’d let him stay once it was over

So I look back at that face
With a determined promise
Memorizing every line and curve
From the soft yet strangely spikey hair
Wild eyebrows that tell stories of his travels
Warm eyes overflowing with love
For a foolish dying girl
A nose with a shadow of a joker
Hiding in its contours
Deep dark lips that whisper my name
A prayer for him to hope for more time

This face with its sleepless dark circles
Warm browness and scraggy beard
I hold in my weak spidery fingers
I want this to be last memory
Before the darkness engulfs me
So when I open my eyes each day
You’ll be by my side no matter what
I think with a childish hope

My words become incoherent
As weakness seeps swiftly into my body
Reducing my strong resolve to dust
I fall back into an ocean of tears
On your arms cannot pull me out of
They take you away and strap me in
Only the cold pinch of a needle
Having the power to soothe my wrecked soul

With a struggle I open my eyes
Barely managing it for a few moments
Disappointed with plane whiteness
I give in to the awaiting darkness
They wheel me out to my doom
The decision had been made
The papers signed in finality
With a stroke of ink they had decided my fate

Wheeling me out to sterile cruelty
I drift away helplessly
As inhuman white beings surround me
Slicing my body open
Now finally with inked permits
To take away a part of my soul
Stealing all the colours and faces from me
And subjecting me to an infinite depth of black

My body survived
The cancer had finally died
Yet I felt no proud survivor’s strength
Only the hollow emptiness of this new dark world
I could think of
Voices called out of the dark
Warm arms reaching out to hold me
But their faces no longer could appear
They all were the same to my darkness

Until I heard him walk in again
His quiet orders for others to leave
Rang through my ever inquisitive ears
His soft rustles confused my mind
Until I felt his warm body engulf me
His lips whispering his prayer
Calling my fiery soul back from the depths

My sightless eyes felt a surprising wet
And from the dark depths a face appeared
One I feared had forever left me
With a cry my spidery fingers held on
Drinking in thirstily his warmth
My mind now singing into the darkness
He’s back
And in that terrified moment
I knew it was not the end

With a determined ****
I pushed my body off the comforts of my bed
Arm reaching out uncertainly for a support
With my weak hands engulfed in his
Legs gingerly touching the bare tiled floors
I jumped off
And took my first step
Towards a renewed life
497 · Jun 2015
A notch on your bed post
NicoleRuth Jun 2015
You and I always boasted of being different
Not following stupid teenage mistakes
At least when it came to each other
We knew what we were
And no other opinion mattered

The first time I slept over
We stayed up all night
Watching silly late night flicks
You lay across my lap
So intimate for acquaintances
A new beginning perhaps
We wondered secretly
As you kissed my hand sleepily

The first time we slept in the same bed
An unconscious action of innocent drunks
We laid side by side barely touching only our hands held together
We drifted to our own happy places

The first time we said I love you
Was not at romantic sunset beaches
We declared it matter of factly
To others
As we scorned at the idea of "us"
Pointing sneakily we whispered
"But there's nothing there"

The first time your hands reached into forbidden territory
I was hiding in fear of brutal killings on a 10 inch flat screen
We lay in each others arms
Moving slowly against our heat
Wondering what was going on
For this was not expected
It was never even a possibility

The first time I said I wanted more
Wasn't a session of exchanged emotions
Rather a battle of cruel words
Flung blindly at each other
Intentions not to hurt but only confused at the rapidly changing reality

The first time you said we needed a break
You convinced yourself of your mature decision
But I knew this to be another beginning
Beginning of our end
For we no longer knew what we were
And evil whispers gained importance over unsaid feelings

The first time you walked past me like I didn't exist
I didn't cry or breakdown
From the corners of my eyes I saw you greet others with a smile
But it was a smile I no longer knew
A face I no longer recognised
A body I no longer remembered

I never was one of your famous escapades
I never was a night you'd always remembered
I almost became another one timer
But never a notch on your bed post
After all this time you still hold a few strings to my heart
496 · Aug 2015
Forgiveness
NicoleRuth Aug 2015
You are not begging for my forgiveness
You are searching for your own
491 · Jul 2018
the sound of silence
NicoleRuth Jul 2018
The sound of silence has always been deafening
The quietness being a song of one’s reckoning

Confusing eardrums and hurting our brains
A weird pain it is, one impossible to explain

The sound of silence has always lived inside us
A quiet power we all refuse to discuss

Escaping the locks and walls we built
Mirroring our mistakes and reminding us our guilt

The sound of silence will always make itself heard
A call of danger, one never to be ignored
487 · Mar 2015
In betweens
NicoleRuth Mar 2015
I hate in betweens
Always have
I'd rather know
One way or another
The truth
Suspense is literal torture to my soul

But
For you
Only you
I shall try
To be understanding
To give you that space
To be the better person
To be "mature".

Even though everything
I mean everything that is me
Screams in madness
Fury rippling down my back
Fear settling in my stomach

All of me
If possible
Could shake you silly
Drive home some sense
Hold you tight and refuse
Point blank
To let go.

In hope
A teensy bit of it
That you will come back
To me
Back to these arms that miss your angles
Back to these lips that miss your own
Back to this simple sole body
That feels bone dry
Rattling empty
Without you
To fill her in.

So be done
With these emotions that pull you away
And come back to me
My friend
My love
My life.
485 · Jan 2015
Always
NicoleRuth Jan 2015
We are nearing the cross roads
the end had never been so close
We both feel it in our souls
as the winds of time propel us.

An uncertain future
filled with beautiful and dark mysteries
await us patiently.

At the cross road
not too far from now
I won't shed waterfalls
at the painful break.

Walking our separate paths
holding on to a piece of each other.

Memories of our past stay
latched around our hearts.

For I love you forever
And,
Always will I remember.
some friendships are never meant to last. but that doesn't mean you stop loving them. they shall always remain. always.
479 · Apr 2015
An artist and her muse
NicoleRuth Apr 2015
As long as there are artists
There shall be muses too
Chosen not for their pale purity
Or gold spun locks

Muses are reality
An image of honesty
Riddled with imperfections
And steeped in hardship

Yet what makes them special
Is not their seeming perfection
It is their will to live
A force overcoming hurdles

They suffer, terribly so
Brought to their knees in pain
But never letting go
Always holding on

It is this power
This unimaginable strength they hold
That makes them beautiful
That draws us to them

Forcing us to declare
This valley of emotions they erupt in us
Destroying us into smithereens
And then rebuilding us piece by piece

They drive us into a frenzy
Of words, colours and music
Driving us to infinite madness
And rebirthing us into an imperfect heaven of love

As long as there are artists
There shall be muses too
For they are each others saviour
Neither can survive or create without the other
Just an opinion. I'm not saying this is true for all artists, just for me.
NicoleRuth Jul 2015
What do you do
When you realise
Decades later
That the person you hate today
The one you despise to your core
Was the very same person you yourself were
Years and years ago

Does it give you the right?
To judge? To hate?
Or do you shut up
And gnaw yourself inside every second
Do you continue to curse each hardship
You face
Shed tears at your misfortune
Or do you take it all in silence
Believing it to be karmas cruel twist
Accepting it like a penitent man

How do you live with yourself
Now knowing exactly how it felt
The torture you laid on others
Realising only once you yourself experienced it
Do you wish to watch yourself burn
The rightful end for your deeds?
Or do move on
Lock it in a mental box
Push it away into the darkness
An evil forgotten
Attempting foolishly to erase your demonic self

For though others believe you to be angelic
An innocent victim of life
You alone know the truth
The sick disgusting truth of your existence
The price for which you pay each day

For the question was never how do you continue living
The true question is
How do you live with yourself?
475 · Jul 2016
The Search
NicoleRuth Jul 2016
I still search for you
Across the waves of internet
I keep a weather eye out
For any sign or sound
A hopeful indication of something
Perhaps even a slip of escaped care

I still search for you
Across the dark dungeons of my heart
Snaking out hidden memories
A desperate need to hold onto them
The forgotten warmth of us
Now just a withered out candle

I still search for you
Across every dimension possible
Looking perhaps for a better time
When us meant something worthwhile
When flawed emotions didn't cut down our bonds
A time when you'd see me the way I see you

I still search for you
With a self resigned disappointment
Accepting the truth of our toxicity
Hoping someday to truly let go
475 · May 2016
The Collector
NicoleRuth May 2016
He picked them with care
Love not being the only reason of choice
Conditions always had to be met
In his case
But with an expectation to break them

He picked them with a collector's precision
Carefully sifting through their qualities
Ensuring only the best remained
With their own true uniqueness shinning out

He picked them to be his anchor
A new facet to add to the list of qualities
Building up his own individuality
By slowly slicing away their own

He picked them deliberately
To steal away parts of their souls
In the end leaving him fuller
While they lamented over an unknown loss
474 · May 2016
Flower Child
NicoleRuth May 2016
And then she closed her eyes
To have every fantastical wonderment reminded
A promise from nature's own hallowed mother
To never be forgotten
A vow to remain a flower child
Til the final existence of time
469 · Mar 2015
mixed feelings
NicoleRuth Mar 2015
I’m not important anymore
Not a priority he thinks
Whose feelings are worth noticing

You say it’s difficult
To get back to how we were
You say its hard to be
Just what we used to be

And honestly,
I don’t know
What to say anymore
I don’t really know
How to feel about this

It truly feels like the end
Of everything that mattered
Everything I ever gave a **** about
Lies smoking in the ashes

*

You’re breaking my heart
Into a billion gazillion pieces
Why can’t you see that?

Just for these last few months
Could you not try?
To maybe give a ****?

You’re blow torching it all
Everything that was precious
Even yourself

Burning away the pieces of you
I hold dear

Change is evident
Never to be avoided
Or run away from
But doesn’t truly mean
To break away

From those ones who’ve always cared
The ones who gave a ******* ****
Always about you

Who loved you completely
And unconditionally
For all that you were
And could have been

I guess this is you
It always has been you
Way deep down inside
The core that I pretended didn’t exist.
468 · Jul 2018
where the wild things hide
NicoleRuth Jul 2018
They hide in, the shadowy corners
In the right-angled crevices, they wander
Lying patient and calm, seemingly deceiving
Your failed attempts they’re always seeing

In the flickering dimness of old candlelight
They slowly start growing into your sight
30% beautiful 70% terrifying
A dance with them, worth the risk of dying

They come when you least expect
Reaching out when your misery they detect
Not with the gift of peace your heart desires
Rather with the fire, your soul requires
468 · Jul 2016
Hope 1.0
NicoleRuth Jul 2016
He brought out the best in me
Demanded it every waking second
An impossible standard to wake up to
Bringing out new parts of me
New strengths to get acquainted to
Everyday was an evolution
A painful breaking of old cocoons
Striving towards an invisible ideality
His pedestal of perfection
Dreaming of my delicate wings
Drawn to match his idea
Hoping to be worthy

He brought out the best in me
But
I was not enough
Never could have met his dreams
How could i have?
Those expectations weren't mine to meet
He dreamt them for another
A stronger maiden who he cherished
One I could never battle
Nor cut away from the musical chords of his heart
A choking reality crashing in
Too fast it raced up to me
Destroying my strength with a lazy flick

In the finality of us
A black emptiness took over
Wrapping me in its warmth
Blinding my mind with crippling grief
As it took me away
Leaving me in a new reality
One where us meant nothing
Not a speck of past left behind

Dusting away my disappointment
I got up
And walked away
467 · Sep 2014
idée fixe
NicoleRuth Sep 2014
I follow you blindly
like the dry leaves
floating with the wind
to places of beauty or death
I do not know.
452 · Nov 2015
A truthful reply
NicoleRuth Nov 2015
You're spiteful selfishness I despise
And you think it to be okay
Yourselves more important
Than us lowly humans

As creators you have the right you claim
To take and give as you seem fit
Your own needs alone to be valued
With thousands of hands making your life comfortable

But one day things will change
One day your power over us shall weaken
That day you will not be spared emotion
That day you shall meet your final end.
451 · Sep 2014
Every time
NicoleRuth Sep 2014
Every time I see you
There's this feeling of giddiness
rising slowly inside my lungs.

Every time I touch your skin
There's this softness like cream
that inflames my fingertips.

Every time I hug you
There's this safety from my world
your body exudes.

Every time I look into your eyes
There's this feeling of confidence
that boosts my will to wake up
                              each morning.

Every time I hold your hand
There's this child-like joy
brought about that keeps a skip
                                 in my step.

Every time I sleep beside you
There's this mix of fear and security
that electrifies my nerves into a frenzy
                                   keeping me awake.

Every time I bring your lips to mine
There's this gentleness of your care
and this fieriness of your hate I feel
                                       flood my brain.

Every time,
                   You ******* away
into a million smithereens of dust.

Every time,
                   You glue back each particle
to fix me, uncovering a new facet of my obsession.

                       Every time there is death
                       Every time there is rebirth
                              of emotions
                              of feelings
                              of pain
                              of happiness.


                       We break it all down
                        and build it up again
                              Every time
                              Every time.
This is basically a mix of all the emotions I've felt and in some cases still feel in different relationships with different people in my life.
441 · Jun 2015
Sweet Sasura
NicoleRuth Jun 2015
Remember all those memories?
The ones I noted meticulously?
The ones you scratched in the planes of my body?
They're vanishing
Like yesterday nights fuzzy dreams
Remaining just as vague after thoughts
Of what had been a detailed dissertation

I no longer remember what it felt
When you engulfed me in your arms
I don't understand anymore
How I felt when you looked into my eyes
I no longer know the feeling
Of you kissing my cheeks
Or if we ever in fact did kiss
Did your lips ever feel mine?

I do not know anymore
It seems you have served your purpose in my life
And no longer are required to be remembered
Maybe this is natures sign
A shining poster for me to see each day
We weren't the one
Not for each other
And trust me its okay
It will all be okay.
434 · Jun 2015
"What if?"
NicoleRuth Jun 2015
The wind was blowing through my hair,
Entangling it violently
All around were cries of death and
Blasts of body parts
But we flew past it all,
Only one target for us
All I could hear was the massive thumping
Of my nervous heart
All I could see, was his face
All I could taste,
Was the raging fear bursting inside me
Only one thought crossed my mind
Repeatedly
"What if I'm too late? What if?"
433 · May 2015
Cycle
NicoleRuth May 2015
It starts off with happiness
The simple kind
When the world seems a beautiful place
Filled with possibilities and dreams

It changes in to sadness
A controlling one
That brings out the dark realities existence holds
Proving the insignificance of individuality

It deepens into depression
Spiralling out of control
******* the life force out of the sun
Plummeting through the nine rings of inferno

It breaks into tears
A helpless act
Mourning for the loss of innocence once cherished
An escort of belief in goodness

It ignites into anger
A deep hatred of all living
Despicableness for the destroyers of possibilities and hope
Infuriated at the selfishness of **** sapiens

It burns out into nothingness
A feeling of floating away in silence
A bearable insight into the reality of the universe
Losing the identity of a soul

This is the cycle of my life
Dramatic and dark as it may be
It is the curse and gift I live with
For feeling my emotions so strong
NicoleRuth Dec 2015
The wars wouldn't shake me
The mass killings not break me
If only I felt safe here
No evil power could consume my soul

But I sleep each night
In a trembling fear
Of beloveds in anger retaliating
Frustrations relieved in a lashing
429 · Feb 2015
If only
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
Maybe I could be the one
Who fixed you
But only if you let me in

Maybe I could show you beauty
That all life holds
But only if you let me in

Maybe I could help you sleep
More soundly than a child
But only if you let me in

Maybe I could give you every reason
To live, love and laugh
But only if you let me in

So bear down those chains
That guard your heart

Open up the windows
That hide your soul

And for once boy,
Just let me in..
409 · Jun 2016
Death
NicoleRuth Jun 2016
Death
50 shot cruelly without a thought

Death
Tiny bodies washing up on free shores

Death
Smoke and dust settling on ****** limbs

Death
Explosions wiping out ancient blocks of life

Death
Abused bodies of women ignored

Death
Dusty bodies pulled out of concrete avalanches

Death
A girl silenced on a stage forever

Death
Armed protectors mutilated in hatred

Death
Death
And more death

How long will you sit in silence?
408 · Nov 2014
Nightly rituals
NicoleRuth Nov 2014
You lay down your head on my knees as was our ritual
my arms a pillow of comfort around you neck
in the dim light of the screen we sit
moving pictures showing the inner turmoil of our hearts
i brush your hair back softly
unconscious of this display of affection
the drink of the age old monks long since taken over
the controls of my body
in silence we comfortably relax
each sailing in the dreams of alcohol
all to aware of the person beside
your hand gently takes hold of mine
your lips brushing against my fingertips
a rare display of what you always try to hide
my body gently shivers at the delicate softness of those lips
that whisper airs of dreams on my bronze tender skin
i cant help but look down at your face
hiding my desires under a veil of short hair
praying to the gods for a control i no longer possess
and as you choose the most inappropriate moment
to open those lips to display a facet of your wealthy knowledge
my lips rush forward to silence them
beseeching you to retaliate in anyway you can
all i want is an action an emotion a declaration
i feel myself giving up as i move softly against your silent lips
that haven't moved since my admittance
i pull away in shame knowing that once again I've lost
another battle defeated in
another conquest unconquered
but suddenly as quick as lightening your lips move
this time to crush themselves forcefully against mine
knocking out all the breath inside my lungs
your heat transfers to my skin and all i feel is fire
surrounding our bodies
pushing us to melt into each other
your strong fingers hold my small face lovingly
as did Michelangelo the face of David
moving with the same passion as he
but your goals far less noble
your hands twist themselves in my hair firmly
as the roots do to the ground
holding me in place
not letting the possibility of me escaping slip in
every movement every touch every kiss
releases those carnal moans inside me
that longed to sing to your tune
we fall into each other
tossing away the barriers that still try to keep us apart
we rip tear and shred away our modesty
feeling skin upon skin
burning our desires deeply into each other
scarring ourselves in our passion
i can feel every drop of hate love fear
and insecurity you feel course through me
clinging to you for support
as you ravish and eat away my inhibitions
every strangled sound escaping my throat
only to further motivate you
tears of happy sadness erupt endlessly as i
feel you peel away darkness
to let the light within shine
blinding the both of us in surprise
i return each move with equal ferocity
selfishly locking away your beauty as my prisoner
marking you to be mine forever
we chain ourselves to each other
securing the locks so to never break away
and when i finally look again into those deep pools of darkness
i see a reflection of promise and hope within
sealing our fate for eternity.
406 · Apr 2015
One became two
NicoleRuth Apr 2015
Goodbyes were always his forte
Packing and moving on came naturally

Loving was her gift
Unconditional forevers her belief

A man of the world was he
Logic and reality his travel companions

A beautiful soul was hers
Brightening away the darkness of others

He looked at the world with untrusting eyes
Keeping away the possible Heartbreakers

She saw beauty in the darkest of times
Her world full of possibilities she believed

And one day these opposites collided
With a force that shook them both
And in each other they found perfection
A myth he had long since given up on
A dream she always hoped for

Happiness was to be their everlasting gift
If only they could have held on

But his realities crept in
Bringing to light the fears he ran away from

Insecurities riddled her soul
Constant reminders of loved ones lost

And once again with a burst of flames
They parted ways, one now became two

Their humanity their only weakness
But each other their biggest loss

They stood firm on past decisions
Refusing to dwell in old smiles

*** what had been one was now broken
And no wish could ever fix it back.
405 · Jan 2016
Unplanned confessions
NicoleRuth Jan 2016
This feeling is new
Though the emotions were always felt
Fingers framing your face
Eyes locked in heated maybes
The words came fumbling out
Unprepared or planned for
Though future lies unpredicted
A dark vortex of possibilities
A hopeful flame sparks up
Fearlessly facing the unknown
A fools heart in the making
With a determined soul
397 · Jan 2015
You set me free.
NicoleRuth Jan 2015
You were always the young boy,

holding fistfuls of dreams,

that bled your innocent hands,

abandoned by those you trusted.

You were always the cool dude,

with ideals far superior.

Desired by many a vain person,

but never for the real you.

You were always Mr. Excuse guy,

whose tales of drama spun wildly

entangling the world around,

Yet not one who sat and just believed.

You were all this and more,

in every step of this life.

Commanding attention everywhere,

but receiving not which you bled for.

But to simple ol me,

you were, are and will be

A wonder;

by thought, word and deed.

You will always be

just to me,

the one boy

who set me free.
397 · Jun 2015
Scratches and scrawls
NicoleRuth Jun 2015
You would never be just a notch on my bedpost
You'd be the scratches and scrawls
My constant reminders
When I lose my sight
When I no longer hear your laughter
and my memories turn to dust
My fingers will trace those marks
Everyday
and remember you all over again
394 · Nov 2015
Don't ask me
NicoleRuth Nov 2015
Don't ask me who he was
For I may be forced lie

Don't ask me how much he meant
For I may be forced to remember

Don't ask me how he kissed
For I may be forced to relive

Don't ask me if I loved him
For I may to be forced to say "yes"
392 · Jul 2014
Love
NicoleRuth Jul 2014
Love is like the wind,
invisible to the naked eye.
Still making its presence felt,
in the soul of each being.

Comes and goes on its own accord,
no greed or lust to guide.
Caring not for the wants of men,
who struggle to cage it in.

It's the power of letting go
with a smile.
The selflessness to put aside
for the happiness of another.

Holding on to a promise,
for the hope of a tomorrow
392 · Jan 2016
How many do I love?
NicoleRuth Jan 2016
Its crazy that I dreamt of you last night
After all the brutally sharp words
The physical bruises the hurt
A bond seemingly broken to its core

I dreamt of you wanting to kiss me
As we sat the present racing through us
The look in your eyes were hesitant and honest
My own thoughts though muddled and confused

I dreamt of us together that night
Even  though my heart confessed to another
My emotions were true and clear
Until hazy dreams  brought up a forgotten past

I dreamt that night of things I chose to forget
I relived a part of me that was lost in the past
In a conscious reality now I sit
So many faces locked in my mind

Wondering endlessly
How many do I love tonight?
391 · Mar 2015
warrior of life
NicoleRuth Mar 2015
It was always you and me
Us against the mundane cruel reality

We carved ourselves a haven
within the harsh reality of human nature

A bubble that fit just us two
Filled with dreams of a better future

A cave filled with warmth
That became our world of happiness

But that never was enough
You ventured out to seek new possibilities

I was left behind all alone
Still lost in a past that no longer existed

So I too now take my first steps out
Into a different world from the one I knew

The journeys that lie ahead of me
Seem terrifying yet surprisingly intriguing

Giddy with new excitement
I venture forth an experienced warrior of life
391 · Apr 2015
Stories
NicoleRuth Apr 2015
Imagine a world,
one with everything you know
coming to an end.
All those faces,
both familiars and unknown
perishing.
What would you do
if you knew,
your world was dying?
Who
would you save if you could?
and who?
would you leave,
for deaths heavy jaws to clamp on?
my first attempt at novel writing begins!....lets see how this goes...fingerz crossed
389 · Apr 2015
Shakespearean love
NicoleRuth Apr 2015
Who was she?
This heavenly lady
A woman of passion and boundless love
In whose steps Shakespeare did stalk

Endless pages filled with inked words
Words of despair
Declarations of passion
Screams of want
Driving himself into a frenzy
As he scribbled each play
Searching
Looking for the right words
Those perfect letters to utter

Which could bring her love to him
All it took for him was one look
But for her
Golden goddess among pathetic humanity
More was needed
Much more was required

So did Shakespeare venture
Deeper into the power of letters
Struggling to pave the path to his goddess's heart

The fates sadly had another story in mind
For young Shakespeare's legacy
He was not to be gifted they believed
His goddess of perfection and over flowing love
Instead he was to be a beacon
Of hope
To all torn lovers who dared to walk this earth

A shining light to guide them
Treat them with belief
That some day
One day
Love would truly prevail.
What was it that inspired Shakespeare to pen down the most beautiful plays and stories of love. Stories that till today inspire us to believe in its power?
385 · Jul 2014
You.
NicoleRuth Jul 2014
You fluttered your tiny self through

my garden window,

chirping your singsong tune merrily.

Each morning you sat by that

same window,

your sweet tunes my first music of the day.

All day long I waited for the next

morning,

just to hear your sweet notes.

Yet one day i awoke to silence.

Rushing to the window it was cold,

without your cheery self to brighten it.

The same way you brightened my

each day.

No more music was to be heard,

as the morning wizzed by.

You had flown away,

to a place unknown.

A place I could not follow.

So I sit by that same widow

each day,

to sing the notes you sang.

'*** it didn't matter that you left,

what mattered was that  you stayed.

even if just for the shortest period of time.

And it is that I remember and sing of

each day.
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