It's been almost a year since you left me.
I still find myself waiting for you to miss me-
But how can I miss someone who hurt me so deeply?
Pathetic.

I have spent so many nights crying to my angels-
Begging them to bring you back.
Cursing them ever for bringing you to me in the first place.
Screaming pain into the void.
A pain that only comes from loss.

I hate myself because I still love you-
After everything that you put me through.

But now-
I’d rather go home alone then go home with you.
Maybe I don't hate myself at all.

When someone breaks your heart each day feels like months.
Each minute drags on for some reason, I don’t understand why.
I long for the evenings, when I can drink my world black.
3, 4, 5 drinks- how I can still see your face and hear your voice.
Two cigarettes, that warm embrace.
6, 7, 8, drinks- how I can still remember catching you with her, with a smirk of victory on your face.
I didn’t want this.
I saw it end before it began.

I was 24, living in New York City.
Living the dream I thought I has always dreamed for myself.

A swift darkness quickly consumed me.
There was always a voice in my head-
(One I didn’t recognize)
-Saying “just do it, you’ll finally know peace ”.
The voice would get louder and louder each day.
and slowly, that cold, sinking feeling felt like a distant embrace.
I would look at myself in the reflection of the 2 train window and not even recognize the hopeless face staring back at me.
She was desperate for help.
The warm wind of the passing trains soothed me- and reminded me it would be quick.
Until one day, standing at the edge of the tracks and feeling the wind of the approaching train
I stuck my head out too far.
All I could hear was “you’ll finally know peace”.

Little does my sister know- she saved me that day.
A demanding text saying “I’m coming over after work” shot me back into reality.
And I cried walking 40 blocks home.

That was the moment I knew I needed help.
And that was the moment that showed me
I’m stronger than that voice in my head.

I’ve learned how to be alone
But now what?

I’ve learned to wake up everyday to an empty bed
But now what?

I’ve learned how to hang shelves,
Fix leaks.
But now what?

I even took up yoga,
Meditation,
Running.
But now what?

I still come home to an empty bed every night
Where your side is still cold.
But now what?

A day hasn’t gone by where I haven’t seen your face in my minds eye.
I have learned how to truly be alone.
But now, can you say the same?

The greatest gift I've ever given myself-
is learning my own worth.

It has gifted me with the power of agency.
Of choice.
Choice of what I will or won't tolerate.

The gift of knowledge-
Knowing my limits.
Respecting my own boundaries.

To be able to pick and choose who is DESERVING of me.

The greatest gift I've ever given myself-
is knowing my own worth.
I am precious. Invaluable.

My mother told me-
That she's grateful she didn't raise me.

Because if she did-
She would have raised me to be like the women in our family-
Like her.

As much as I mourn not having a mother
(when I needed her most)
I'm grateful too.

The cycle of abuse ends here.
It ends with me.

To the little girl who grew up too fast:
Who had her childhood taken away from her too young.
Who never knew what innocence was.
Who desperately searched for love in all the wrong places.
Who was afraid to show her heart, but desperately wanted it to be seen.
Who craved validation from men, most who didn’t care to know her name.
Who drank until the world went black.
Who hurt people, because she was hurting her self.
So full of angst.

I can still see her now- clearly.
She lives inside me.
I can find her standing at her favorite beach.
Listening to the angry waves crash.
It’s night and she’s always crying, but silently.
Salt water sprays her face as salty tears run down it.
Staring at the ocean, gazing at the moon.
Desperate for a glimpse of hope.
Here she’s able to feel all the things she has kept inside—
Safely.

To the little girl who grew up too fast:
Who knew pain so young.
Who only wanted the love of her mother,
But looked for it in all the wrong places.
Who made choices to hurt herself, because she saw no value in herself.
Just know, I love you.
Even when you’re difficult to love.
I wouldn’t be me without you.

I am hurt by you.

I am hurt that I cared more about getting to know what lies beneath your skin.
(Than You did)
I am hurt that you made me feel things I haven’t felt since Him.
(Feelings I didn’t know I was capable of again)
I am hurt that you touched the places that others have been too scared to touch.
(The places that I am too scared to open up)
I am hurt that you lead me to believe that you care more about what my body can give to yours.
(Like all the rest do)
I am hurt that I believed your broken promises.
(Excuses, excuses)
I am hurt that I wanted to trust You, and only You with the most valuable thing I could offer.
(The thing that has been shattered time and time again)
I am hurt because I thought I finally found someone who valued me enough.
(Your actions say the opposite)

But I am grateful for you.
Because you showed me exactly what I will no longer tolerate.
That I am capable of connection, vulnerability, and true intimacy.
Things that I thought had died within me years ago.
Things now, that only someone worthy will receive one day.

I am humiliated
that I have ever let worthless men,
determine my self worth.
I am like the ocean.
Soft, breaking, blue.
But vengeful, strong, and powerful.

My mother and her mother,
(four generations of mothers to be exact)
All conceived children They didn't want,
because They couldn't bear the alternative.

My sister and I are the only two who survived.
The intergenerational resentment
that is cast among each woman in our family
who decides to carry the burden of their unwanted child.

My mother loves us as much as she is capable-
Just like her mother and mothers mother before her.

Birthed into four generations of hurt,
that longed for acceptance and love that only a mother could give.
But each mother couldn't.

It took four generations of women and their pain
and longingness for love,
to create two women who are full of nothing but love
and are hungry to give it to the world

(we forgive you, because it's all you've known)

The only consistent thing about you is that you will always leave.
And I will always be the one who’s left hurt.
It would be a lie to say I haven’t missed you
After all this time apart.
Again, now I’m left.
Missing the pieces of myself that I built back together after you ripped my heart from my chest;
All because I thought missing you was worth the sacrifice.
It wasn’t.
It never will be.
Because you will always leave.
You will always hurt me.

“I’ll miss
Dreaming my dreams
With you”

But maybe I misread the moon.
(She never hides things for long).
You never gave me the chance
to understand why you hate me.

But maybe this is Her way of saying:
by having you completely gone
A new path can finally be cleared.

I haven't been eating much.
My shaking hands beg for nourishment,
And only then I feed it.

I've been sleeping a lot,
but it's disturbed, restless.

I've been drinking more and more.
The red wine at night soothes my sadness.
It even makes Him feel farther away.
Just to wake up groggy, unclear, sad.
Alone.

Here I am, punishing myself.
Unable to wrestle out of this cycle.
The wicked voice inside my head is back,
and She's louder than ever.
She likes it when I'm catatonic and vulnerable.

Every man that I have ever let inside me is you,
Mom.
Every man that I have ever let see me,
touch me, open me up.
Expecting them to tear down the walls that are hundreds of feet high,
just to walk right through
as if my guarded heart is a sliding glass door.  
As if they can see right through my frame.
They see me: bold, opinionated, strong.
But They all have all looked right though me, and can see the little girl who wants to be loved.
They told me they loved me.
Touched the hidden places that have hurt to touch,
as if they knew exactly where they could be found.
Only to treat me like a warm body for their cold. Blood.
They take me as a shell.

Because, like you Mom, they exploit me.
Use my weakness in seeing good, reading what makes me tick,
Learn to gain my trust.
Just to abandon me.
Like you.

I have nothing to write now.
Because I’m grateful
To wake up most mornings
And not feel my chest constricted with hate.
For you, but mostly for myself.
My roots are pure and my flowers are blooming.
Nothing can stop me now.
(Not you, not myself)

Writing and taking pictures.
Those are the only two things I do for myself.
I feel like I can finally breathe.
It's amusing how unleashing inner creativity
can make you feel whole.
Like a child, learning to color their world for the first time.
Out of the womb, taking your first breaths.
Or taking your first breaths,
after feeling like you've been suffocated for months.
As an "adult"
being cast inside a 'box'
I've learned to fall in love with the beauty
of others art.
And basque in the comfort of my own.

Lately I’ve been dreaming about you.
Often.
I’m yelling for you
But you can’t hear me.
You pull me in to kiss you
But you don’t kiss me back.
Maybe it’s because you’re lying next to her now.

That night we drank whiskey til the sun came up;
You pulled me in,
And I pushed you away.
I wish I would have kissed you instead.

nobody hates me more than She does.
though She knows the complexities of me,
thoughts, loves, ambitions, insecurities.
She's seen me naked; physical skin, down to what lies beneath my bones.
She's made me think:
that putting a knife to my own skin to make this pain go away indefinitely, is the only way to escape
She's coaxed me into drinking poison, to lay with men who don't care to know my name.
She is the most hurtful voice in my own head.
it seems these days She only wants to see me lifeless, so She can wrap a warm blanket around me and whisper "I told you so"

but maybe one day, She will learn to love (herself).
learn to forgive the pain she's caused others (and herself)
because i am all She has.

I don't think they know..
How much it hurts to be me.
To haul the cross of others sins.
To be weighed down by the strain of others emotions.
I would rather drown just to keep them breathing.
Feeling like I am sacrificing my own self,
for the painlessness of others.
Never expecting recognition or gratitude,
Or anything else in return.
Maybe just some acknowledgement,
that I'm hurting too.
(maybe even more than you)

How can one person make you feel so warm inside, but internally dead at the same time?

"I always got the sense that he became torn between being a good person and missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him.
And in that way, I understood him."

"Did you look at the stars and think of me too?"

"Enjoy your life always looking for more but feeling nothing"
Oh, what an empty slap in the face that was.

The toxic wounds you have left on my heart still echo through my mind to this day.
In this altered state of consciousness your voice runs through my head.
Pictures, images. Smiles, glances, touch.
Images of your imperfections that I grew to find perfect.
Feelings attached to these moments of time-- images.
As I drift off now, I wonder about you. Where you may be, or who with.
You are toxic to me, and you were never afraid to hurt my feelings.
We were kids-- but the love I felt for you was so real.
I am certain I will never that feel again.

Thank you.
Thank you for making me forget the stars.
Though they are always watching,
You silenced their shine.
They brought you to me,
Making you mine.
And for that I love you.

Couldn't have said it better myself.


"
'I love you.'
'How much?'
'SO much.'
'How much is so?'
'Way, way more than you know...'
I love you as brilliant as each sparkling star, and as way out in space, I love you that far.
I love you as gigantic as a great lions roar, and as deep as the ocean, I love you much more.
'That is a lot' you say, 'but how did it start? Where did love come from, to be in your heart?'
You put it there, really, when you and I met. And I knew with out certain, without you I'd fret.
From my head, to my toes, I was feeling inside a devotion for you so deep and so wide. And now it's enormous and wonderfully real, and hard to describe how much I feel.
I love you as awesome as a thunderous sky, and soaring as mountains, I love you that high.
I love you as silly as a puppy dogs kiss, and as quiet as midnight, I love you like this.
'Do you love me every day' you ask with doubting awe 'or does love go up and down like a teetering see-saw?'
I love you steady as the earth rounds the sun, though some days of life are the farthest from fun.
'Like when you feel mad' you ask with distress 'cause I've broken the rules, or made a big mess? Or when I'm unkind and your feelings are blue, do you love me although I do what I do?'
I love you being nice, and when you're cranky, too. I love you without liking the naughty things that you do. My 'I love you' doesn't change like the temper of the days. It's a certain kind of thing in many different ways. You're my sweetie, my dear, my smile, and laughter. You're my playmate for always, and my joy ever after.
Hanging out with you is where I want to be... Eating ice-cream sundaes and watching TV.
Under your umbrella, behind you on a bike. By you and beside you is what I really like.
'Do you love me just as much when I'm far away from home? Is your love still the same in distant lands I roam?'
I love you near or far. I love you high or low. My love is there with you wherever you may go.
'Even when I am sick and can't get out of bed? Do you love me better healthy, than with a fever in my head?'
I love you sick or able. You're always you to me, the one love forevermore undeniably.
I can't imagine life before you came along... me there singing senseless no meaning to my song. Call it meant to be, or simply blessed with fate, you fill my heart with love, and for that I celebrate.
*"

"First chill,
Then stupor,
Then letting go"

"Do you honestly want to do everything you offer?" he said.
"Yeah." she said with profound sadness.
"Are you sure you want to?" he said.
"Yeah." She echoed with a breaking heart, a silent tear streaming down her cheek.
They only kissed three times that night.

What is deep is deep and shallow is shallow.
More than deceives the eye-
Deep waters appear shallow and safe
With no warning tile decorated with the depth.

Water is easy to maneuver
With it’s tranquil gems flashing back at you,
Begging you to dive in.
More than deceives the body-
It’s turbulent gems ware ******* the body
With each exhausting tread.

The water tempts you;
Appeals to your senses.
Rejuvenation, Relaxation, amorous.
More than deceives the mind-
Suffocating, overwhelming, loss of control.
Becoming completely enveloped,
Unable to make sense of the outside world.

Or maybe it’s the suspense
That keeps us coming back for more.
The suspense of the unknown.
Appearing: Amicable, Agreeable, Trusting.
More than deceives the heart-
When two concealed conflicting currents make you struggle
To keep your head above water
And differentiate reality from appearance.

you don't remember.
but i do.
before dawn had broken over the horizon.
i rolled over, so i could face you.
pushing your hair behind your ear,
whispering "i love you",
not wanting a response,
you were just so peaceful.
and in-between snores,
"i love you too."
but you don't remember,
and that's okay.

Of course I miss you.
I really, really do.
Our infatuation is what I miss most.
Beautiful memories,
Trampled by resentment and oncoming hatred.
Our "love" that once existed,
Now ceases to exist.
Broken darkness has consumed you.
Trembling, holding on to the last fragments of your old self.
Not even the fragments, or mere shards, remain.
Numb, now,
Unknowing of this unfamiliar you.
Pushed, and driven off the edge;
You made me stop caring.
I didn't want to, but I have to.
"How am I supposed to care about you if I can't even care about myself?"

I thought it would make me happy...
But it didn't.
It doesn't.
Like all fires, it went out.
Passion that was once there
Even ceases to exist.
I'm sorry for us both.

I can't make you love me.
I never could, never will, never can.
We were different.
Not like the rest.
We were special.
And we were special because we are broken.
The special bond that brought us together,
our brokenness and longing;
that is our undoing.
It is for something each other aren't and will never be.
Both of us holding on to two things that are dead.
Not only you and I,
But Him and Her as well.

I know you may think it,
but this is not a love story.
I have loved you for the longest time.
I'm sure you just thought I stopped after we were done,
after we went our separate ways, but in fact,
I've missed you more than ever.
I've spent two years loving you, missing you, wanting you, needing you;
and you no longer share those feelings.
But I hope you think of me every now and again,
until then I'll try my best to wait for you to be my "happily ever after",
so I can love you, and you'll love me again,
like you did before.
You will complete my heart.
It's always been you.