I am humiliated
that I have ever let worthless men,
determine my self worth.
I am like the ocean.
Soft, breaking, blue.
But vengeful, strong, and powerful.
Oldie from 06/19
that I've never
gotten from you,
is the kind of love
that I miss the most
find someone who loves you the way you love them
My mother and her mother,
(four generations of mothers to be exact)
All conceived children They didn't want,
because They couldn't bear the alternative.
My sister and I are the only two who survived.
The intergenerational resentment
that is cast among
who decides to carry the burden of their unwanted child.
My mother loves us as much as she is capable-
Just like her mother and mothers mother before her.
Birthed into four generations of hurt,
that longed for acceptance and love that only a mother could give.
But each mother couldn't.
It took four generations of women and their pain
and longingness for love,
to create two women who are full of nothing but love
and are hungry to give it to the world
(we forgive you, because it's all you've known)
The only consistent thing about you is that you will always leave.
And I will always be the one who’s left hurt.
It would be a lie to say I haven’t missed you
After all this time apart.
Again, now I’m left.
Missing the pieces of myself that I built back together after you ripped my heart from my chest;
All because I thought missing you was worth the sacrifice.
It never will be.
Because you will always leave.
You will always hurt me.
I think I’ll always miss you but I miss myself more
I dreamt of you twice this week.
For the first time in a long time.
In the first dream I could see you
(you couldn't see me).
And upon waking I
was so happy.
I felt so
to have you back
in my visions orbit.
The second dream we were lying next to each other.
I touched your hair how you always liked.
You told me you missed me
and you didn't know why.
I told you I miss you too
and I don't know why.
Part of me hopes you dream these dreams too.
Dreaming my dreams
Do you see me in your dreams too?
But maybe I misread the moon.
(She never hides things for long).
You never gave me the chance
to understand why you hate me.
But maybe this is Her way of saying:
by having you completely gone
A new path can finally be cleared.
You left without saying bye.