I dreamt of you twice this week.
For the first time in a long time.
In the first dream I could see you
(you couldn't see me).
And upon waking I
was so happy.
I felt so
to have you back
in my visions orbit.
The second dream we were lying next to each other.
I touched your hair how you always liked.
You told me you missed me
and you didn't know why.
I told you I miss you too
and I don't know why.
Part of me hopes you dream these dreams too.
Dreaming my dreams
Do you see me in your dreams too?
But maybe I misread the moon.
(She never hides things for long).
You never gave me the chance
to understand why you hate me.
But maybe this is Her way of saying:
by having you completely gone
A new path can finally be cleared.
You left without saying bye.
As I sit here, the last night before I turn another year,
I can't help but reflect.
The people I've loved.
The people I've hurt.
The ones that have damaged me
and the ones who have loved me endlessly.
The teachers I've had,
and the greatest teacher Herself... Life.
Thinking of the men who held my beating heart in their hands,
just to rip it valve to valve from my chest.
The men who have been in between my legs,
and even the ones who didn't care to know my name.
The hands I've held, the faces I've touched.
and all the faces that have really touched me.
All the things my eyes have seen..
even the things that hurt.
I'm so grateful for them all.
happy birthday to me
I haven't been eating much.
My shaking hands beg for nourishment,
And only then I feed it.
I've been sleeping a lot,
but it's disturbed, restless.
I've been drinking more and more.
The red wine at night soothes my sadness.
It even makes Him feel farther away.
Just to wake up groggy, unclear, sad.
Here I am, punishing myself.
Unable to wrestle out of this cycle.
The wicked voice inside my head is back,
and She's louder than ever.
She likes it when I'm catatonic and vulnerable.
my own worst enemy
to the waves,
how they crash,
and call out your
as all the
drains from me,