Cremate me -
and from my ashes
will come new life

"Love" - it will set you free,
allow you to be the one
you were made to be.

So they promise -

"Love" - it will take all that you are
and leave you be.

Wake me when I'm dead -
Unless I'm dreaming

You held me so close
That I dared to think you were mine

The waking world
Is my sleeping call
Falling under and lost in the daylight -
The night-dark is my kingdom

No dreaming like one in love
No calling on a boy
No dreaming of a curse
No more dreaming -

I want to embed our names in the sand
So the crystal-sweet ocean can take them away


Lost at sea - Lost at heart

Is it my fault that I'm alone?
Is it 'me' that's repelling?

What if this is not just a phase
A single pause throughout my life?
Perhaps I'll be alone
Tonight and every night -

I've seen you colour me in and colour me out -
like a child curious with a new discovery.

I feel your gaze watching me as I half-sleep.
Your colorblind world may be black and white,
but darling I thrive for the darkness!
It hides the colours you could never see -
so colour me out,
and let me sleep in peace!

When quotes hit you in the face like a brick
When dear ones ramble quotes-of-nothings
To fix my "current plight"
It makes me sick.

Do I look like I want your ill-thought quotes
That any fool with Google can condure?
I know I sound ungrateful -
Perhaps a weather beating and endurance has made me so
But really I just wish to be alone.

Locked inside the walls which are
My self made cage
Does not mean I am on self destruct
It means I want to be alone

Alone is healthy, I want to befriend my mind and my beaten feelings.
I want to base my happiness on me
But I can't do that while I'm badgered
By Tinseltown- quotes and an "antidote"
Known as a quick fix -

This isn't temporary, I've to live with me for life - there is no out of this sentence
So can't you let me love me
lost in a cage alone?

Had I to paint a picture
I'd colour you in with my fingers
Using the lines as guides
Rather than instruction

I'd use the colours that we
Painted with our naked souls
Rather than the ones in the pallet.

Then I'd rip the image to shreds
Because a masterpiece is nothing to others
Than what it is is to its master.

I lavish in the night time,
The darkness my comfort-blanket
That wraps around my body
Suffocating life
'Til I cannot see.

The night-dark
Is my eternal muse,
A dusty shadow of lost hope
That hides shadows within itself
Oh sweet night, I envy thee
You hide all the colours my eyes could never see -
My soul and thee intertwined for eternity.

Drown out the voices
And pieces of you will have to go

Don't listen to the things
You tell yourself so late into the night -

How are you to know which voice of yours
Is truly right?

I know every line
I've traced them like endless braille
That always has another message to tell

I've coloured every each in and out
Wiping away the evidence of sadness,
Intrigue, shame and curiosity.

I have woken up to those eyes
Every morning that mattered
And slept with it through the darkness.

I know of the wonders that eyes mask
What each glint of the eye means
And that arched eyebrows are a sign of defeat.

I know all its secret blemishes and shame
The freckles which few see -
We are good friends the mirrors face and me.

Don't believe the things you tell yourself
So late into the night -

You are lost between two worlds,
Neither of which is right.

Always carry a book
So you may live many lives and             experience all kinds of adventure

Never forget the world
Do not forget to create your own adventures too -
Sometimes trouble will help you dear

Always fight for what you believe in
Remaining silent is like loosing yourself and one of the great tragedies!

Choose your battles wisely
You are not always going to win, the world is not always fair - but that doesn't mean you'll never win.

Know that you are always loved
Even when I do not understand or when the world seems against you, I and the universe love you baby.

Education is not limited to school
Fill yourself with the knowledge that you love and crave, never limit yourself to a classroom

Be brave
You are my special creation and I will always be there to catch you!

Love like it will last forever
Never limit yourself because of someone else, do as you wish - but don't be foolish.

And most importantly, if you ever learn anything from me -
leggings are not pants*

Be you my darling, and the world will grow to accept you.

I can see the sadness in your eyes
When you recognise their stare
Cast from judging eyes.

I see you gently clench your fists while smiling politely
As you hear the wait staff whispering foolish nothings

The pain in your face was clear to me
When your boss insinuated I was worth more than my "price"
Witty, stubborn and still politely balanced.

I try to soothe you, to say it does not matter.
Let those who will never understand think what they wish
There'll never know our hidden bliss.

I did not fall for a birth date or the lines on your face - though I love them dearly.
Age is only a number darling.

They do not know of all you do for me -
How when my illness takes hold
You do not sleep - watching me like a guiding angel so that I may survive the night.

They do not know of the things that we've seen together -
How the world has grown and become dapled with colour since you let me in
And showed me the world through your wise eyes.

Your face isn't the same face
That scowled me when I was a child
Its softer now - wiser and older.

Your body isn't strong like it should be
A sickness has seeped into
The crevices of your being -
But its spared your heart.

Through a child's eyes you were selfish
Strict and staunch and angry -
Never letting us do as others did.

I thought as a child when I grew up
I'd see differently through an ageing mind
Of how you only meant to protect me.

Sometimes I long for the return of my child-innocence
I am still young, but my life has made me cold.
An aged mind shows a story of a different kind.

All the times I found you crying on the tiles
The way you'd scream and panic in public
Why no one was ever aloud come to our door.

You struggled with the darkness placed in your mind
Day after day you scuffled through
Raising three screaming children
Protecting them from the world and you.

I long to be strong like you mother -
To guide you to the light
And apologise for all the times I added to your plight.

You tell me that I am special,
Yet you treat me as lesser.
You recite words that "reflect my beauty"
But I've heard you recite such sweet nothings to others.
You demand to know my feelings
Only to cast yours in disguise.
You praise the "wonders" of my mind
Though when I speak you never listen.
You describe having me as your "greatest decision" and "luckiest find" - you had the gall to tell me I was your rare gem stone, one of a kind.
However I know I am nothing more than option.

Your sweet words and charming romance
May fool your other rare gems,
But my heart is beat and whithered.
Actions speak louder than words Darling -
Your words so full
Your actions scream silence.

" If you live alone,
         You'll die alone, darling "

You were cast as the superhero,
And I played the role of freak.

You saved the world
And one damsel -
Who like the stories always go
Stole your superhero heart.

Flocks of people
Worshiped you as if you
Were their saving Shepard.

I loved you in a different way,
I loved you when you were "human"
And hero only to me.

Your power didn't change you
But took you away from me.
Desperate to claw back
At a love that was never mine

I cast myself as villain
Evil and rotten to the core -
Yet I was no glamorous villain
I was villain alone and forgotten

Lost in the rotting ache of a broken whole
Desperate for my superheros attention -
Love - the purest drug
That maddens like no other.

I sing a song of sorrow
With a heavy heart

I sing a song of sorrow
For a love I never lost

I sing a song of sorrow
Because you can't loose which was never yours.

I sing a song of sorrow
As you were never mine

The scowl you wear on your face
Like a timeless painting.
The anger etched
To perfection.

You think I do not see?
I can feel your hatred
Seeping towards me.

As I stand at the top of the room
The figure of everything you hate.
I don't mind being hated by you -
I'm just doing my job.

I wish you could see your potential -
I correct you so you'll learn.
If you could turn your attention from disdain
And focus a moment on your education -

The things we could learn on this journey
Together.
Just because I am labelled teacher
Does not mean there isn't much
You can teach me too little girl.

The scowl on your face -
Your perfect determination
Tells me all I need to know -
Slowly, together we shall learn.

I love you,
With no hope of gain
And much to loose.

With cautions lost
To blinding love
I gift you my delicate heart.

I darent ask for yours in return -
This gift is selfless
Because I love you,
Silently and without hope

And if you choose
Not to be loved by me -
I pray you'll be loved
Once again this way.

I cried 'til challenged with laboured breathing
After you hung up the phone.
The hole you just ripped in my chest,
More jagged and deeper than ever before.

The way you casual said " not that you'll even care "
Left an emptiness I can't describe.
You knew how I felt, I made sure
Every day to love you more than the last.

The tears streamed from my eyes -
Yet truly from my soul when I realised
You had halved a whole.

" Look I've met someone else "
Is all you said, over the phone.
Is that all I was worth,
Five measly words and a broken heart?

Theres wanting love and wanting you -
Making two into one.

Two souls halved
Becoming whole.

I wanted you, wanted it so bad
I'd have lay down and given my life.

I'll never trust, or even love
You didn't break me -

I'll want again, this is true
There'll never again be wanting you.

To be concise, and clear
I trust no one.
You didn't break me -
You never will.

You can't win a war
In which I refused to fight.
I fight alone
In the dead of night.

You can't conquer love -
A love that is mine,
My battles of a differerent kind.

To be clear,
I trust no one,
I fight alone
My broken heart and I

I hate how you make me feel.

That crushing feeling in my core,
That overwhelms me
Leaves me with laboured breathing -
Every time I stumble across you.

I hate how you don't care.

You said that I was yours,
Before I whispered "I love you"
Under the midnight stars.

I hate how I'm a fool.

I'd take you back, and love you
Cherish your very being.
Even though I was just a bet -
A joke to you and your friends.

Mostly, I hate how much I still love you

In the shame and darkened shade,
perhaps such shame being yours -
or do you carry theirs like the cross?
With a thorn-crown for gratitude

Scream for the pain that is yours,
or for what is theirs.
Give them the chance to see
the opportunity which they refused.

To die is to live -
Having died, your life can complete
Your point which may be mute or deafened later,
You may die this way - but if you never let them try
how can they ever see -

Those three words
You will me to say
I cannot say
At least not today.

Their meaning I have yet to find
I cannot walk into this blind.
I know you ache
From hearbreak,
But today, I cannot say
What you will me to say.

Its not enough to speak,
But lack true meaning.
You make smile,
Make me laugh,
Make me wish and will -
All is enough but still

Those three words
I'm unable to say
At least not
today.

When I was small and I got lost
You found me!
You smothered me in cuddles and
Warned me to never wander away again,
That I was your little darling and I was loved.

I've been lost for many years now
Wandering down lanes of darkness
Embraced in misery.
When will you come find me??
I've been screaming out for you -
Can't I still be your little darling
How can't you see how much I still need you?

Never knowing fear, doesn't mean you've
Never been afraid. Never knowing the
Moment that could end it all - affirming or
Destroying all you've ever known - doesn't mean you've lived your life safe. The moments that break you are the ones that create you. Never taking the leaps, your hidden desires encourage wont keep you whole. There's a world out there - the probabilities of being afraid, alone, broken, forgotten and abdonned swarming you, etching into the darkness of your mind. Never knowing fear doesn't mean you've never been afraid - it means you've never lived and knowing then -

16

That's when I met you,
From my sheltered universe I fled.
Tumbling into your strong grasp
To show me the world through a different map.

17

Each day break is greeted by your face,
Within my stomach grows
A seedling - created by our joyous love.
Through my innocence and your persistence, my worlds a little more ambitious.

18

My whole worlds been a lie -
Tumblelost in darkness
The night is all that lives within me.

19

When darkness clutches your neck -
An asphyxiating memory of love
Lost and wasted.

20

By *their grave is where I lay.
Wasted nights leading wasted days.
A wasted body - living as a ghost.
Clasped to unhinged memories
Taunted by a darkened past.

21

A dark existence is not living.

Love somebody
As I have loved you -

Be loved again
As I have loved you -

I hope I love once more
As I have loved you -

And may I be loved
As I have loved you -

Time -
The magic wand of eternity.
Though logic bound
You find the twists -
A moment that lasts a lifetime
And the one that doesn't really exist.

A moment that is my eternity
May be your nothing.
Logic bound -
Though logic free.

Oh sweet giving time
When will your enchantments
Leave me misery free?

Or is it up to me alone -
To create new memories?

“No mother I don’t want to go out to play!
I want to stay here, locked away!
I don’t want to play with the others outside,
In here is my kingdom, all I need is my mind!”

I’d never thought of seeing you again
My mind too crammed to believe
In such distasteful possibilities.

Yet there you stood
In all your pathetic glory –
Imitating the successful knight
Of children’s stories.

They crowded around you
Smiles, laughter and love.
I stared on in disbelief and disgust.

My foolish innocence never void
I thought a sight of me
May change your mind –
Or display a shred of humanity.

The unhesitant look you gave me
Will forever haunt my twisted soul.

I know what you did.
How could you continue to live like this?

When left alone
Late at night
The voices of my mind
Being my only
Lonely plight –

I oft wonder
Do I love you?
Is it a feeling
Imbedded deep within
My soul?

Or a lust?
To be your bed maiden
Your late night
Lure?

Is there a “we”?
A heart spoken
Us?

Or is all this
Just a “madness”
Coated in my lust?

If you could see what I see –
You’d know you are
Both
Beauty and grace.

If you could see what I see –
You would not
Describe yourself as
“disgrace”

If you could see what I see –
You’d never want to
Change
A single thing.

If you could see what I see –
You’d love yourself
More
Than I ever could.

If a mirror could
Show you
The beauty
That lies
naked
Next to me –

You’d be your own
Perfectly
Imperfect
Sleeping
Muse.

Ghost of my mind
Takes all my time.

While others intertwine
I grapple with self.

I am seen as ghostly
because others never know
Whats really going on below.

So dear friends - persons
Keep in mind,
Whats in plain sight
Rarely really shows -

I wonder if you ever
Wish for an apology?

You are the one who
Knows all about me.

You hear me whine
When I’m awake –
Catch my tears
When I am weak –
And hug the words
I mumble in my sleep.

All I have ever done
For you –
Rest upon you.

From the time
Which I understood my thoughts,
I knew I was destined to be
Apart.

Never was I meant to be –
One of them.
Chilling in someone else’s plan,
With a white picket fence.

I was going to be something,
Small or great –
Just anything that wasn’t
That.

Now I sit here
Still young and ambitious,
Yet ever more ridiculous.
The only difference between
Me and them,
Is I’m doing it without a man.

I fill myself with strange men
Bottle innards
And illegal blends.

On a one way system,
Labelled “self-destruct”
By the spectators and their lust.

Driven by my insanity –
Fuelled by lacking faith in humanity –
Caused by my depravation,
Isolation, and lack of conscious restoration.

That pitied stare cast from judging eyes
Sends chilled shivers down my breaking spine.

My will is breaking –
The “fight” others speak of
To “pull through”,
An obvious deficit in me.

Encouraged by insanity,
Or does she welcome it?
Have I cocooned my insanity – nurturing it?
Or have I always been so tumble-lost,
Void and weakly?

Self – Destructive or it destructing self?
Oh me and my, and our insanity.
Is it me at fault,
Or humanity?

If it hurts – do you scream?
I vow to keep my silence,
An unspoken promise.
A love like ours.

I’m bound in chains – but not you –
Outside I may seem free,
My voice yet fails me.
A sound like yours.

I feel no pain –
A weight still do I feel –
One of metal small and round –
A ring – saying wedding bound.

Closed doors mark hidden lives –
Soundless screams – end forgotten dreams
Words I’ll never say – sounds you’ll never make,
I wish you a mistake, but then –

A love like ours
Never promised a wondrous hour.

You know those moments
When you are content -
Realising everythings going to be alright?



Yeah, neither do I.

I met myself one evening,
It was a chance encounter –
Like the chilled meeting of
A ghost from your darker past.

I stayed awhile –
Staring at me – while I stared back.
Neither me knew which to say –
Each the others misery company.

After time the ghostly figure asked aloud
“What is wrong with you?”
All that mine self could reply –
“What is right with  us?”

Questions which neither can deny,
Answers naught can create.