I know that I know naught –
That there is infinity
Of that which I’ll never know –
Understand, cherish or learn.

That does not stop the longing –
The yearning of mine heart
To comprehend why you
Must be the harshest cruel –
Everything and nothing
to me.

I am not sure there are words to explain my
Loathing –
Of that diminutive seen icon.

It reduces me to being exposed –
To myself – to my feeling
The raw and cutting pinch
That jars the edges of my heart,
Of my sensitivity.

That putrid button
Has lead me to realise
My love for you is real –
And it has been denied.

This ones for you - not me
I wish I could teach you about the bee -
Drunk on nectar, dreams of sweet honey.

Do you dream of me I ponder?
I dream of you when grey -
by you, I hope I'll still lay.

Both of us caring for our honeybee
Adoring sweet honey - oh love!
Love of money - honey honey bee!

Dreams come true - or else you loose -
Lost - I lost you - and all that honey -
Honey - honey was a wasp!

I watch a moment more -
the hands they turn, and rise.
I know not - what to expect
With each exhaling breath.

The hands, again they move -
not together, but with each other.
A syncronised harmony -
both moving, changing blissfully.

I'd look away, but I daren't not
I stare amazed, awaiting -
trying to catch or freeze I know not -
The tick-tock of that enormous clock.

No one's youer than you,
Or me-er than me

So lets be the us-iest us,
That we can be.

After that, just let it be.

My apathy is disgusting!

I think?

I wish you would get me a diamond ring already,
I know I am still young,
But we’ve been together for so many years
It’s been five already – that’s almost scary –
Well it would be scary if I could feel
You make sure I don’t though
You scream a darkened silence at me
And smother me with nothing.

I’m not saying a pretty diamond
Would salvage you, or make up for all
But I’m not a fool –
You and I
Are carved forever.

Not that I believe in forevers –
You made sure of that one
Right after you took all the FEELING.
I’m drowning in the nothing where you suppress me
I feel like Victorian bridal doll –
Entrapped, encased, suffocating
Watching in silence, in a dress that’s not mine
No one can hear me shouting

I can’t even see me anymore
The walls cave in
As I collapse on the floor.
Being awake shouldn’t take any effort
Or leave me with laboured breathing.

Can you just get me that diamond already?
At least then I’ll know we’re in something steady.
Not that I’d ever want to commit to you
But good days don’t come anymore
And I’d like to drown in screaming.

I feel everything
And nothing,


All at once,
And not at all.

I am so obsessed with you,
I wanna smoke you right
down to the filter,
'til there's nothing left.

The first time that I touched you –
Caressing my hand along the bare curve of your spine
While your tongue danced behind my teeth
My heart flitted, skipping a solid beat.

This drunken adventure has left my heart confused
A misremembered experience of ecstasy,
Or have I unleashed a secret that I’d always buried so deep?
Maybe this is why no man has ever been enough for me.

Once, when I was too lost being me
Being foolish and falling into the allures of youths stupidity
You stood there, always looking out for me,
waiting for me to mature, complete my phase of idioticy.

That day never came, I know you call me a ***** when I’m not near –
I know there is a deep and permanent scar of me on you – in you,
I would be sorry that I’m not what you wanted me to be –
honestly that apologies a little empty, void of empathy

I am sick to death of the blame falling on me – the user-***** and heartless soul-sucker
You were waiting for someone you created in your mind – I have always been me.
I have a love for you deep inside, of course of a different kind

It’s not my fault you can’t see that you are in love with an idea of a woman
One that’s never been real ,only aspects of her are reflected in me
I’m playing out my youthful stupidity now – because I never had a chance before
I told you from the start to let it go, why you won’t, I don’t ******* know.

I failed my mother – she failed me first.
All through childhood I held your hand as you wept –
You sighed and cried and denied a mothers love.

I was twelve when I sliced my first cut –
I weaved artistic patters all over my arm,
Each hack felt like a distorted piece of sympathy.

You have been cured for many years –
The disease was just passed, unquestioned to me.
You have never asked, or even glanced twice.

Last night I saw you crying –
Your friends’ daughter had cut – it was a tragic devastation.
Everyone was making plans, dinners, lunches, supportive hugs.
You went to help – to empathise like her mother never could.

I have never punished myself for attention,
It’s a sad and sick release from my insanity – for me.
You birthed me and gave me life, fed and clothed my pathetic body.

I know there is so much that I can never repay –
I know I failed to make you happy when I was young –
But why do you give this girl a mother’s love??
When all I have are forced hugs -

I have never asked you for anything –
Because you do not know how it is that I feel.
Or perhaps you do, but choose to deny –
Keeping the later silent, in fear that I’d cry.

You are the harshest man I have ever met,
Though oddly sweet and sadly kind –
I crave your harshness – I view it as foreplay –
Your words like daggers – pinch my soul –

They free the dreamer, causing her to grow –
I imagine things with you, that one should not.
I ponder upon a life, you feel you cannot give.
You say you do not love me so –

I ask you playfully to love me – you always tease
I know truthfully, my heart is in your sleeve.
I wear you like my precious winter-rose
Upon my breast – within my soul

A heart for a heart –
Harsh words threaded with sweet –
A love that was never meant to be,
Yet a lifetime of it.

I sat at the table – engrossed in Poe, once again my friend had failed to show.
A young man sat at the table next to me – mumbling it was the only free seat
I smiled politely and returned to the words, which meant everything to me
Each word alone a magnificent beauty.
I noticed the man was watching me, so I turned my gaze to he.

Twelve hours later I lay on your floor, as you read me poems about the girl you love.
Each one of us became an addiction to the other, each the others ecstasy.
Each week I came and we spoke, laughed, watched vintage films, read words of beauty
And music – there was always music.
Sometimes new, mostly old – my favourite was yours.
Months passed before we met the others friends, we had been so obsessed with talking.
Your friends sweetened the deal – each a soul, so pure and real.
They invited us camping – I could hardly wait.

When I turned up the next day, you looked different – ached, with a look of painful desire etched onto your face.
You said the trip could not go ahead, but pleaded with me to spend the night at yours.
I looked up at you, with my bug-wide eyes, sharing my smile and nodded silently.
I placed on our favourite movie and resumed my position on the floor, while you lay on the bed.
The film ended and you called to me, your voice sad and pained.
“Why do you never sit close enough for me to touch you – are you afraid?”
You slid unto the floor and sat next to me, this poem you spoke was different to all the ones before.
Nervously I bit my lip and sighed inwardly – that one, was written for me.
You pulled me closer to you and kissed me in a way that had never been done before –
It was soft, sweet yet hungry and full of desire. I turned away.
“I thought we were friends,” I whispered while nervously biting my lip.

You held my gaze until I understood, this time, I was kissing you.
You made love to me for the first time that night –
And every morning and night for a year after that.
You had warned me that first night that I would grow bored of you – I denied it.
Now I see, you grew bored of me – my love flowered as your apathy grew.

It’s been some months now since you uttered words of love for me
For a while we remained those friends who spent hours talking and listening – bonding.
We could hear the clock ticking – we could only pretend for so long that everything had not been destroyed.
That addiction, that time-warp-friendship, all that talking.
“I thought we were friends” was the last thing I whispered to you
I never wanted our love, it was your doing –
Now I am the one who holds the burden of  our love, in my heart and soul

You look straight past me -
I knew we should have gone camping.

You will think I write this of you –
Assuming, words of tender love and grandeur.
You will search, with soul-less eyes – for my proclamation –
My declaration, of you.

Assumptions, I feel, a sign of thoughtless stupidity.
I do no write of you, nor sweetly or of disdain.
You hold no possession on my heart,
Your face is not echoed throughout my soul.

You do not haunt my dreams –
Never were the cause of those horrid, bloodcurdling sleep-screams.
Mistaken they all were, you fell for it too.
The possessing you see was of a different kind –

Have you not seen your soul-less eyes?
Ever ponder what happened that sun-gleamed smile?
There was a possession of the heart – not done by king.
No, no! You are full of such sweetly innocent stupidity!

The spell was cast and darkness simmered –
All from one demonic queen – yes, now cue me.
The roll I played lacked nothing – but a returning thud of my heart.
See I took yours – and placed in under my shoe –
You never touched my heart.

The dark is a howling beauty that whirls throughout my hair.
The dark dark beauty and the oh! so familiar fear.
The darkness clawed at my paled skin, yet only I could see.
The dark, he never would like me – only if I had behaved for He.

The first time that I met him, he was standing by my door.
Eyes dark dark and hateful, they instilled such fear.
Speaking to myself in tongues, twisting in my sheets –
A nightmare a dream! A dark dark vision – it cannot be real!

He slinked along the darkness, crawling up to me.
The stench of death and sewers – the end of sweetly innocent stupidity –
Now and for all the tormented years to come, void of sweetly.

The darkness – his clawed, disfigured, insipid being withdrew the light from me.
Only I could see the lustful hate of He! His inspiration, his muse – all lay with me –
This dark and howling beauty that loved me – ravished me – destroyed the dreamer of my soul.
Took my love from me – there is a howling beauty – which instils such fear, only in me.

He would never love me again, Oh, what I did to He! What I did to me –
That only I will ever see.