It feels like a tumour in my brain
It feels like I can't think anymore
I don't know where they're gone
I don't know how to fit these words in no longer
I don't know how to make sense out of these lingering thoughts
I don't know how to write anymore


It's choking me
Because it feels like the one of the only 2 things I was passionate about
Has been snatched away from me
I want to write
But my thoughts don't connect anymore
I want to write
But my happiness won't give me  space
I want to write
But I just don't know how to anymore
Is this it?
Will I never be able to write again?
Is this what it's supposed to feel like, the end?

Life is like a pizza. You crave for a larger one, thinking that you're hungry enough to finish everything yourself. That's like yourself 10 years ago, wanting to become an adult. Now that you're halfway there, all you want to do is go back to being a kid. Sometimes the pizza is too hot, and you've got to wait for it to settle down before shoving it down your throat. The same way, life gets a little rough sometimes, so you sit and wait impatiently, till it gets better. Sometimes, the pizza's too cold. So you heat it up a little. The same way, life gets a little boring sometimes. So you get yourself involved in **** that doesn't necessarily need your attention, under the name of "you only live once". Some pizza toppings are pushed away, because you don't like how it tastes. The same way, you neglect people just because you don't like them. On the other hand, you can't get enough of some pizza toppings. They're too good to stop eating. Those are like family and best friends, you just can't stay away. Although sometimes too much of the same topping makes you want to throw up, you order it the next time anyway, just because you like it. All said and done, at the end of the day, you finish the pizza. That's like death. You really wish there was more pizza, but there's just no more. Sometimes, there's too much, you throw it away. That symbolises suicide. When there's too much to deal with, and you just end it. The only difference is, you can always order another box of pizza, but you can't order another box of life.

I can't describe what it was like,
Falling in love with you was 'yike';
Getting to know you was fun,
Your face glimmering under the sun.

I can't describe how I feel,
But it makes me feel like an eel;
It makes me feel so sad,
But some part of me feels bad.

I can't describe what I think,
It makes me feel like a *****;
I don't know how that made sense,
But it made me feel so dense.

I can't describe what I see,
It makes me go like 'wee';
I wish I knew what to say,
It would keep my thoughts at bay.

I don't know where this poem's going,
It makes me want to smash my head like 'boing';
I had fun rhyming all these,
It made me feel at ease.

I hope this made you smile,
For it made me feel less vile.

I never had the privilege to know you well enough,
I never had a chance to meet you in person,
But I know you well enough,
To know that you've changed the lives of millions.

It takes real talent,
To be able to touch and alter,
The deepest, darkest,
Corners of the human mind.

Yet,
It's something you did almost effortlessly,
You showed us the power of the pen,
And the paper.

You may have left us,
But you will never be forgotten,
This is a promise.

Boeing 777
MH17
17/7/14.

“ Most of the passengers had no race,
But today they gained a nationality.
Today, we are united in grieve. “

Tragedy struck again,
One strike after another,
One blow after another.

Today, we lost 295 people,
Out of a grand total of 7.046 billion people.

To an individual,
The figures may mean nothing,
Comparatively.

But as a nation,
This was a hard one to accept.

How do you digest the fact that
295 people lost their future,
Overnight.

How do you digest the fact that
295 people are gone just like that.

How do you accept the fact that
Your country is falling apart,
Slowly,
But surely.

" Don't listen to pop punk,
Don't listen to rock,
Those are the words of the devil,
Those aren't words you should be saying",
The mother lectures.

If only she knew,
The way Sleeping With Sirense churned my emotions,
The way Roger Rabbit gave me confidence,
The way Who Are You Now gave me perspective,
The way With Eyes To See and Ears To Hear made me feel okay.

The way Pierce The Veil messed with my thoughts,
The way Hell Above filled me with anger,
The way Million Dollar Houses filled me with hope,
The way King For A Day boosts my energy.

The way All Time Low brought forth my happiness,
The way A Love Like War made me feel so alive,
The way I Feel Like Dancin' made me feel like dancing,
The way Therapy, gave me therapy.

The way My Chemical Romace inspired me,
The way Welcome To The Black Parade gave me faith,
The way I Don't Love You ignited strength within me,
The way Teenagers made me feel normal.

The way You Me At Six enlightened me with joy,
The way Stay With Me made me feel whole,
The way Lived A Lie made me want to punch a wall,
The way Crash made me feel like crashing.

The way Mayday Parade poked daggers through my soul,
The way Miserable At Best lifted up my sunken ship,
The way Terrible Things made me feel like I was going to recover,
The way Stay made me want to stay.

The way Linkin Park generated electricity in my veins,
The way Numb made me feel numb,
The way Castle of Glass built me up all over again,
The way Breaking the Habit gave me the resilience to get up and fight.

my name is depression
and i will drag your soul across your bedroom floor and hear you scream for help

my name is depression
and i will dig every blood vessel out of your heart until you are bare and empty, cold and silent

my name is depression
and i will run down your face as you try and explain the demon inside of you to people who do not understand

my name is depression
and i will eat your laughter, run my hands down your happiness and choke you with my scrawny fingers as you beg for air

my name is depression
and i will walk you home tonight, crawl into your bed and sit next to you as you contemplate your fall down this 23 storey building

my name is depression



*and i won't stop

i still am trying to hold back my tears as i write this down. i thought about on my way home and debated with myself for a good 3 hours and decided that i have to write this, if not for people, for myself.

i visited the ward as a visitor today. it felt weird to be on the other side of the door. it felt weird to be on the other side of the glass, and it felt weird to look into the eyes of someone i once knew.

it hurt that as soon as i walked through the open doors, i hear the screams of a man speaking in a language i did not understand. it hurt to watch him being pinned down by 2 men almost twice his size. it hurt to watch his mental pain being temporarily stopped with physical pain.

it hurt as we started talking. it took almost every ounce of courage inside of me to hold my tears back, because i knew that me crying would dampen his spirits and affect his recovery. and i knew exactly what that feels like.

it hurt to sit back and watch him explain his illness in terms i knew far too well. it hurt to hear him say " stay here, you would understand this more than anybody else. " it hurt that i understood. it hurt that for that brief moment, i didn't want to understand. i didn't want to be in there. my legs were shaking but i listened anyway.

it hurt to hear him explain how the electricity worked and hurt his jaws. it hurt to tell him to be strong, because i knew how much it would take out of him to just try. it hurt that he cracked up jokes in the middle of our conversations, i didn't feel like laughing at all.

it hurt to watch so many people suffering from illnesses they never asked for, it hurt to watch so many of you suffering from the pain you don't deserve. it hurt to just sit there and not be able to do anything about it. it hurt.

but it hurt because it wasn't my place to feel hurt, it was yours. it was your place to scream and shout. it was your place to cry and break down into a million pieces.

but it hurt because you couldn't, because in your head you are fine. in your head, you're at work. in your head, none of this ever happened. in your head, 20 cops didn't restrain you. in your head, this is a perfect world.



but it didn't hurt because i knew deep in my heart that no matter what, the way i feel about you will never change. the strong, courageous, brave, joyful, kind, happy man that i grew up knowing will always have a place in my heart. no amount of ect's and antidepressants will take that away.

*so thank you, for opening my eyes to all the pain in the world.  thank you, for making me understand that there is greater suffering in the world. thank you, for teaching me the value of gratefulness. thank you, for educating me, even if it was through your suffering.

The leaves sway in synchrony
To the rhythm of the melancholic wind
There were whispers,
Growls, sobs,
All hidden deep within
The folds of the loud,
Inhuman cries.

Her mood swings in sychrony
To the rhythm of the melancholic lyrics
There were whispers,
Hope, faith,
All hidden deep within
The depths of the silent,
*Human mind.

sitting here in the dark
i silently stare at my laptop screen
no, it isn't brighter than the way my future will turn out


this is me,
after months and months of deceiving myself
only trusting the stupid, stupid definitions of happiness that I had locked within my head

i have gotten over myself


i can be happy just because i choose to be
i can not care about everything any of you have to say about me just because i choose not to
i can only move in by chanting the words & the names of people who make me forget what it's like to feel alone


this is it,
it's my turn to be happy and
no one,
is ever going to be able to take this away from me


.

you are the nerves in my sunken brain
you are the dead sockets in my eyes
you are the blood in my stained veins
you are the quotes on my favorite book
you are the verse of my favorite song
you are the chords in my favorite piano piece
you are the flowers in my garden
you are the soil that keeps the grass growing
you are the dance my body breaks into
you are the memory behind the burning letters
you are the intense reason behind my sleepless nights
you are the elixir to my hopeless days
you are the star in the center of my galaxy
you are the lost concentration when i study
you are the face that captures my attention
you are the scent that i can't get over
you are the reason behind this relapse
you are the reason behind my shivering fingers
you are the reason behind this writer's block
you are the definition of ephemeral dalliance
you are the evocative thoughts that cloud my mind
you are the aftertouch that dissolves in my skin
you are the talisman that keeps me going
you are the penumbra of happiness
you are the reason behind my facade of nonchalance


you are everything that i think you are,
*& everything i think you are not.

Do you ever feel numb
It's that feeling when your whole world
Seems to fall apart right in front of you
And there's nothing you can do about it

It's that feeling when you're all choked up
And the words just won't seem to come out
The tears are stuck, and they strangle you
And all you feel is sole numbness

It's that feeling when you're indecisive
Do you not care anymore?
Or are you just really tired?
Or is this just a phase that will pass?

It's that feeling when you're exhausted
Mentally
Physically
Emotionally
And you wish to close your eyes

And never open them,
*Ever again.

Today,
I fear love.

Today,
I fear oblivion.

Tomorrow,
I'll break free.

The day after tomorrow,
I'll see things from different perspectives.

Each day,
*I'll be a better person.

i am twirling in a dark space
the door is slammed shut, i heard the keys were right down the door
there are no windows,
there is no laughter

all i have known is my head locked between my thighs,
all i have screamed for is the help that never seemed to be enough,
all i have felt is the tears running down my face,
all i have heard is the laughter - this silence is deafening

i have tried to reach for the door but i can't find it,
how do i let the light in?
how do i open up my heart?
how do i let this pain float away?
how do i ask sadness to let me go?

i am stuck in this room,
i am stuck against this wall and i can't see,
the dark doesn't scare me anymore,
this now feels like home.


the dark is my home,
don't call my name for i am long gone,
all that is left of me is the shell of the person i once was,
i am a walking, breathing, corpse

don't ask me to feel,
all i remember is pain.
don't piece the broken fragments,
i want to be gone.

*i want to be gone.

Do you convince yourself to believe
that you can?

Or

Do you actually believe
that you can?

Maybe goodbyes actually mean
You'll do better without me

Maybe I give up actually means
I'll try again tomorrow but for now, I'm done

Maybe I hate you actually means
I'm tired of trying to love you and getting pushed away

Maybe I'm sorry actually means
I didn't mean for you to find out

There is good in bad,
There is bad in good.

You can't deny it,
Nor can you run away from it.

*Like a phoenix,
You rise from the ashes.

The human mind is a miracle,
I'd call it the pinnacle.

Where postivity runs free,
And negativity buzzes like a bee.

Where confidence is rare,
But insecurity appears bare.

Where dissatisfaction is common,
And unhappiness looks like an almond.

Where serenity is easily found,
And everyone is home bound.

Where your darkness thoughts collide,
And your happiest thoughts are tied.

Where your memories are bottled up,
And your bad luck is thrown away in a cup.

Where living seems easy on the surface,
*But surviving somehow, became a race.

It's funny how one day you're so motivated
And the next, you forget how it even happened.

It's funny how one day you're laughing,
And the next, you wish you could do it again.

It's funny how one day you're wishing you never exist,
And the next, someone reminds you why.

It's funny how one day you're filled with hope and glimmer,
And the next day one person takes it all away.


It's funny because I sometimes am lost,
I wish I knew how I feel;
And I wish I knew how to say it out loud.
I wish I knew how to breathe
*Instead of drowning, over and over again

pop the xanax
before dawn, they will turn their backs
pop the xanax
both hands behind your head, standing on the edge of the decks
pop the xanax
maybe if you try you'll figure out all the hacks
pop the xanax
what else tonight, dewars or shots of jacks
pop the xanax
don't keep telling me what my brain lacks
pop the xanax
what does it feels like to have dosages on max
pop the xanax
do you still try to forget, inhaling cigarette smoke by the packs
pop the xanax
you don't understand mother, my thoughts come from a buy one free one off the racks
pop the xanax
does it take your mind off everything, all that ***?
pop the xanax
my sadness shows up on time, always reminding that there's tax
pop the xanax
i tried to light up a candle to cast away the darkness but then it started to burn, all that wax

just pop the ******* xanax

i have fallen so hard
i have hit rock bottom
i have been on a spiral that takes me only downwards
i have been invisible, for as long as i can remember
i have isolated my soul
i have tried to let myself give up
i have stayed six-feet underground, mentally
i have been choked with despair
i have been swallowed by nerves
i have been consumed by fear, my mind and body withering
i have been torn into pieces, paper thin
i have been ripped off my opinion, my bones crying to be heard
i have been broken down into tiny fragments, each embedded on paper
i have left my thoughts everywhere;
in people, in books, in songs, in journals, in the rain,

but here i am-
i am on my way upwards
i am collecting the bits and pieces, i will not try to connect them
i am carving my path towards my dreams
i am being heard, i am a voice worth listening to
i am a part of someone
i am a part of something
i am growing
i am accepting
i am learning

my mind will be reborn, my body and soul surrendered to faith
my thoughts untangled, my feelings splattered like paint
my spirit is no longer blank-
*i am no longer a hole, i am whole.

Red,
Was the color of the blood running through her veins.

Red,
Was the color of her hope painted out on a thin, white canvas.

Red,
Was the color of her eyes the day you walked away.

Red,
Was the color dashed all over Gaza.

Red,
Was the color of her screams magnified as her family was gunned down.

Red,
Was the color of anger when you broke your promises.

Red,
Was the color of her parents heart when she succeeded.

Red,
Was the color that lit her whole universe,
Till the day you walked away.

i don't know what is happening to me
i feel like i'm slowly losing grasp on reality

i feel like i'm losing myself?
& i feel like i'm not going to make it through


i feel like i'm losing my mind
& i wish i had some sort of explanation for it


and honestly,
i'm *terrified

my sadness knows no love
my sadness knows no fear
my sadness knows no pain
my sadness knows no end
my sadness knows no happy endings
my sadness knows no sleep

my sadness knows lies
my sadness knows death
my sadness knows scars
my sadness knows eulogies
my sadness knows 2am voices
my sadness knows 4am shadows

my sadness - knows how to hit every Self-Destruct button and watch me disintegrate into a million and one pieces, and then hits the buttons again

I think poets function best at their lowest,
For I haven't been able to write for days now.
Since the day you made me yours,
Since the day you became mine.
You turned my lows into highs,
You turned my drunken melody to dance rhythms,
You turned my lonely thoughts into "Are you okay, sweetheart? "
And you,
Are my sweet serenade.

Violet was the color of her eyes when she spoke so fondly about the characters from her favorite novel
Red was the color of the blood dripping down her skin, the day the thorns pierced into them; while playing hide and seek in her favorite park
Blue was the color of her tranquility, her ability to not get angry at almost anything
Yellow was the color of her anger when she did lose her temper
White was the color of her personality, so pure it made the color itself look impure
And turquoise was the color of her heart, simply because it was her favorite color
Indigo was the side of her that gave, and gave; the side of her that never put herself before anyone or anything
Grey was the side of her that enjoyed sleeping in & having conversations in her head


If these colors were personalities, she would have been diagnosed with split personality disorder

But she isn't sick, she's just colorful

*She isn't sick, she's just colorful.

Why would you tell someone that they're good at something even if you thought otherwise
Why would you tell someone that they're beautiful if you don't think they are
Why would you say that she isn't fat when your conscience is screaming for you to be honest
Why would you say that it was okay for him to be crying himself to sleep every night
Why would you say that it is going to be okay if you weren't sure

Just why would you get someone's hope up
To tear it all down,
Over and over again.


You didn't have to lie, all you needed to do was to shut up.

I'm writing a song today,
While I try to keep my thoughts at bay.
A tune that will keep your face,
Stamped in my heart with some lace.
A verse that'll be filled with your favorite words,
I'll try to match that with perfect chords.
A bridge that'll be saturated with our memories,
And all the emotion that your heart carries.
A chorus that'll rhyme with all  the days you make me smile,
Even when sadness seems to pile.
I'll then put the song into a disk,
And maybe take a huge risk?
For the song will be ours,
And we'll listen to it for hours.
As dawn turns to dusk,
As the environment smells like musk.

The song will diffuse into our veins,
As we fly towards the clouds to meet the saints.
For there is serenity in these words,
*For they are mightier than the swords.

And soon I'll forget the color of your eyes
and you'll forget mine.

Isn't it funny
How we become so attached to people
Only to detach months if not years later?

Isn't it funny
How the ones we let our guard down for,
Are the ones that make us build our walls higher then before?

Isn't it funny
How we fall in love
And either remain lovers



Or become

Permanent
*strangers.

it  makes me so sad that we're  falling apart it makes me so sad that these changes are making me lose my mind it's making me so sad that I miss you every single day of my life and there's nothing, just nothing I can do to convince myself that I'll be next to you sometime soon it makes me so sad that these changes are making me lose everything that I thought I had figured out it makes me so sad that I don't have a backbone to stand up and face all this myself it makes me so sad that I'm so dependent it makes me so sad to be away from people I love the most it makes me so sad that there's no place else I can break down without feeling weak and inferior it makes me so sad that I feel like I'm losing myself it makes me so sad that
there's no life within these four walls it makes me so sad that I've forgotten what pain felt like because you took it all away and it makes me so sad that I've lost my ability to be numb and it makes me so sad


because despite being sad I will continue putting on this facade
I will lie to myself until I believe I am truly happy
and I will do whatever it takes to get where I want to be

I think the thrill of this basic lies in the suspense of not knowing what would happen next,
The mystery if the person next to you right now will be alive as dawn approaches,
The mystery if you will be the same person you are today, tomorrow.

The urge to know what the future holds,
The desperate want to change what the past held,
The shameless regret of the present,
And the beautiful consequences of your past actions.

" The future lies in your hands "
That gives you the thrill
" Be a better person than you were yesterday "
That gives you the motivation to change

Change doesn't have to occur immediately,
One step at a time.
The smallest step of all steps,
As long as there is effort,
As long as there is dedication,
As long as there is hope,

There is change.
*In change, there is life.
In life, there is change.

The day will come
where someone will relive the dead flowers in your soul
where someone will ignite the dying flame in your heart
where someone will teach you what it feels like to love
where someone will explore the deepest, darkest emotions you feel
where someone will look forward to studying you
where someone will bring to live the parts of you that feel so dead
where someone will love and cherish everything you hate about you


&  

on that day,
*nothing else will matter.

you say tomorrow will be better
you say the world will start over
you say the sun will shine again
my empty, sacrificed soul is lying on this godforsaken land
breathless
drowning
in a sea of opiods i am a bubbled addict
a bubble that ceases to exist
a bubble that is overlooked
a bubble so blank you'd almost consider it dust
dreams are for the hopeful
but where is hope when every inch of your skin feels like a graveyard
where is hope when blood feels like it is draining out of your body at the speed of sound
where is hope when the lump on your throat blocks your airway and you feel your body shutting down
where is hope when you question everything that you are, am i even a thing
where is hope when the answer never seems to stay
where is hope when this temple feels like it was built only to shatter
where is hope when the ground I walk on turns into a sinkhole and the water I drink turns into a sea monster
where is hope when the sunshine i bathe in turns into a third degree burn, my skin sCREAMING RIP IT ALL OFF
where is hope when my parasitic mind is looking to swallow me whole
where is hope when i sit on this empty highway and wonder if
tomorrow will actually
be worth fighting for
where is hope in this funeral
don't ask me where's the body
i am the body
your forced eulogies and apologies, don't ask me
don't ask me where's the body
i am the body
this is the funeral, i am the funeral

the love that gets you excited just thinking about the very fact that you might actually get to spend the rest of your life with him

the love that makes you stomach feel funny and your heart flutter every time he says something about your smile, or the way he talks about your laugh

the love that makes your knees weak just at the thought of his name, the kind that makes your bones tremble when you see him for the very first time

the love that makes you want to fly when he holds you in his arms, and the kind that makes you forget what home was before you met him

the love that drives you up the wall, but the very kind of love he fills your heart with, when you're up that ****** wall

the love that makes you look forward to waking up each morning, the love that makes you want to achieve goals your heart didn't even know you had

the love that fills your eyes with tears with each I love you, the same love that turns your tears into cheeky smiles with each I love you

the love that frees you

the love that makes you feel like you're walking on the ******* moon as you stroll down the street,

but mostly, *the love that keeps you alive

first,
you will try to recollect the way i smile
the lines that my eyes make and the light that shines through them
the way i squint when i try to read letters that are far too small
the different wavelengths of laughter
the sneaky one when the politician i voted for won against yours
the sarcastic one when i insult your favorite football team

then you will try to remember the way i ate
the mess i made when i tried to gather rice in my hands
the smile when all of you were not too happy about the mess

then you will remember when i stopped using my walking stick
and when it hurt to walk

then you will realize you can't remember if my favorite sarong is checkered or plain
if it was indigo or brown
was it silk, was it cotton?

then you will realize that the newspaper company you still subscribe to, in memory of me - has shut down
then you will realize my favorite tv show has aired its season finale, and they're not available online
then you will realize my optician no longer makes lenses to the glasses i used to wear
then you will realize the wooden chair i used to live in
has shattered


that is when,
you will take a step back


and i will be

nothing
but
a
faded
*memory

my heart is empty and my mind won't shut up, it keeps repeating a mantra " you're not good enough, die. you're not good enough, die. you're not good enough, die. " every part of my body aches just to drag my feet out of my bed and i am freezing cold under the sunlight. i feel like i am in a crowd of people and everything around me is moving at the speed of light but i am stuck in one place, unable to move. everyone keeps moving and i am screaming but no one will stop to listen. i am drowning in a sea of people, i am suffocating. the voices won't shut up. i beg for them to leave me alone, just for a day - i say. i hear the laughter in my head and it's true - i will never be left alone. i reach for the blades and i hear my parents ask " will you ever stop hurting yourself? " " why are you cutting yourself? " - BUT MUM I AM ADDICTED TO THIS PAIN. i don't want the alcohol, i don't want the cigarettes. i want to watch myself bleed to death - i want to be in a coffin. my mood jumps suddenly. suddenly i am the happiest person in the entire ******* universe. everything is funnier and i laugh at the stupidest things. someone trips over and jesus it's like i've never seen someone fall. my books drop and it's like i haven't heard a sound like that in my life. my sister laughs and it's like i haven't seen her in 2 years. then the voices come back and i forget who i am. i am so sad and i scream at everyone around me. my heart is empty and i am worthless. my existence is purposeless and these antidepressants make me even more worthless. my fingers are freezing and the voices get louder. my blade runs back and forth and my mum says these scars aren't going to fade, ever. but mum, i don't really care because i don't even know if i want to be alive tomorrow. " i want to see you get out of it"  but mum, i was never given a choice. depression ****** my soul like a vacuum cleaner and anxiety followed because it was her best friend. bipolar disorder then followed because three is a charm? feeling like dying isn't a way to live and i am so tired. i honestly am so tired. i am tired of hating myself, i am tired of starving myself because i feel so ugly. i am tired of binge eating and then throwing up at 12 am because that's how ****** it feels like to be upset. i am so sick of this void inside of my body that jusT WONT LEAVE ME ALONE

You wanna know what it's like to love?
When you feel so lost in time and every second that's passing feels so unreal?
You wanna know what it's like to feel like choking on tears at 3 in the morning?
When time refuses to pass and every second feels like a ticking atomic bomb?
You wanna know what it feels like to be ripped off your sanity?
You wanna know what it feels like to have *** for the first time?
You wanna know what it feels like to try so hard and fail?
You wanna know what it feels like to fall out of love and experience the kind of sadness you never thought you'd feel?
You wanna know what it feels like to be kissed in every spot that drives you insane?
You wanna know what it feels like to have someone talk about you behind your back?
You wanna know what it feels like to smile like nothing has happened?
You wanna know what it feels like to get wasted on your birthday?
You wanna know what it feels like to have cigarette smoke filling your airways?


Then you **** right feel it.
Then you **** right experience it.
Then you **** right give yourself a chance.

By the time you're 20,
No one gives a **** if you're a ******,
No one gives a **** if you were the top student in '09
No one gives a **** if you were so drunk you couldn't remember your own name
No one gives a **** if you were so choked by cigarette smoke you thought you were suffocating to death
No one gives a **** if you almost rammed into a tree on your 16th birthday
And sure as hell,
No one gives a **** because let me tell you this.


It is your **** life,
*So you **** right do whatever the hell you want to do.

when your body burnt to ashes-

I stopped believing that God was real
If He was real, why weren't my prayers answered
Why wasn't all my tears on New Years Eve accounted for
Why wasn't I even gifted enough to say goodbye one last time

I stopped believing love is real
It wasn't strong enough to keep you from leaving
It wasn't true enough to make you last one more night
Everything I had grown to love was built on a lie

when my friend fell into pieces-

I stopped believing that strength is real
If you could fight all the years of pain, why was this one any harder?
If he was tough as steel, why did the tears run down his face?
Everything I had grown to believe was built on a lie

I stopped believing in promises
You said you loved each other and then you both hated each other
You said I would get better and yet I find myself thinking of a million different ways I could take away all of this
Everything I had tried to put my faith in, was a lie


This life is nothing, and I am nothing.
I have nothing to lose and I give up.

*Death, you win.

It's that feeling of being so close
Yet not achieving

It's that feeling of falling so hard
Yet losing it all

It's that feeling of giving it your all
Yet not getting there

It's that feeling of surrendering your soul
Yet being let down, over and over again

It's that feeling of becoming tougher
Yet being crushed down, over and over again

It's that feeling of putting your trust in someone
Yet being stabbed in the back, oh so hard

It's that feeling of putting so much hope in something
Yet knowing that it'll never work

It never has, and it never will?

But you get up anyway,
And you try,
And you keep trying,
And you try anyway.

Because that's how you were raised;
*To keep trying
and never die,
a quitter.

this morning i woke up
looked in the mirror
and i saw you

you're cold, aren't you?
tired, shivering
i look for your shadows
but where are they

everything is so dark
where did you go
you were right there

suddenly it is warm
the sun comes up
i turn back

where are you

there is light
all i see is a big yellow bulb
and rays; beaming with joy

suddenly the leaves rustle
a chill runs down my spine,

oh
welcome back,

my nightmare,
my other half

And as I took a step back
And as I carved a hollow spot where you once belonged
And as I became an empty vessel
I had nothing left to say.

As the ruthless thunder smashes on the trees
On a rather cold yet blurry night
As the wild gusts of wind break the silence
Oh, such a shame it is
As the bullets ran through the roof
Of this creaky wooden hut

" Daddy, daddy I'm scared",
The little girl pleaded
" Close your eyes, little one",
Daddy didn't know what to say,
Or what to do
Or what would make them feel better
Or what would save their lives

Bang
Bang
Bang
The old man looked up to his little girl
And tears ran down his face

I'm sorry,
*I couldn't save you.

You are more than the need for you to binge your food right after ingesting it
You are more than the opinion of that girl from high school who had everything done her way
You are more than the layers of cellulite you see on your thighs every time you look into the mirror
You are more than the chocolate cakes you avoided under than name of calories
You are more than the test you flunked after spending every Friday night revising
You are more than the tears that flow down your cheek after knowing you've let your parents down
You are more than the apologies that you're so used to hearing, that they have become as meaningless as the 'I love you's '
You are more than the job interview you didn't get through because you had far too many piercings
You are more than the stares you get for standing up for things everyone else is against
You are more than the pain of trying to be someone you are completely not for the sake of fitting it
You are more than the lips who speak ill of another to make yourself feel better about yourself
You are more than the thoughts that think of destructing everyone around you to be called a king in the kingdom inside your head
You are more than the lies that flew across the courtroom when you admitted to mistakes that weren't yours
You are more than every bad experience, every disappointment, every heartbreak, every single damage that has made you uncomfortable to be in your own skin


You, are everything you want to be
& everything you don't want to be.

you may think this is going to be a list of how i almost killed myself about 10 times, or how i was stuck in the psychiatric ward but no, it isn't.

1. Depression taught me to rely on God. I found my faith and realized that my God is bigger than my mental illness. I found light even in darkness and learned to lean on Him more than I ever have, and I am so grateful.

2. Depression taught me to stand on my own two feet. I learned very early into my diagnosis that I had to save myself because no prince or princess charming was going to come in a pumpkin carriage and sweep me off my feet and no fairy godmother is going to flick her wand and take my illness away. It was my battle to fight.

3. Depression showed me the people who loved me for me. It was quite easy to figure out the people who wanted something from me and the people who wanted me. It was heartbreaking to realize the truth, but better late than never hey? Cutting off everyone who only chose to be a part of my life for their selfish needs has done me more good than any other choice I've made thus far, I am so happy.

4. Depression taught me to be kind. Being thrown into what felt like the deepest pits of hell taught me what pain truly feels like. I had always known that mental illnesses were torturous, but experiencing it first hand is a whole new level and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemies. I learned that everyone is suffering and we all fight battles, and how important it is to recognize that the person next to you may be going through hell and just chooses to be silent about it. Be kind. It may not mean anything to you, but it may mean the world to the person next to you.

5. Depression taught me that I am a strong *******. It tried to break me, over and over again. It put thoughts into my head and told me I wasn't good enough and I would never be, good enough. It told me I had to harm myself to feel things and it told me I would be better off dead. It told me I wasn't worth of love, happiness, kindness - I wasn't worth anything. It told me to wreck myself because I meant nothing anyway. It told me to make decisions that only made me feel worse because at that point - I would have done anything to take the pain away. But here I am today, able to write all of this without shedding a single tear. Because I am strong. I suffered, but I survived. And nobody will ever, be able to take that away from me.

6. The last, and most important lesson. I've always wanted to change lives, make a difference. Depression taught me that I didn't need to change 200 lives at once. I didn't need to change the world when I was 18 years old. All I needed to do was listen to someone, give someone a hug. Talk to someone when they needed a friend. I was changing the world, even if I didn't realize it. And I will continue to do it.



To everyone who's wondering, I'm off anti-depressants now. The fear of relapse constantly does bug me, but my will to survive exceeds everything else. I am a fighter. And so are you.

i am alone and it is dark
the light's are switched on and there are two people next to me
one by the name of depression, and anxiety; it's best friend
there is occasionally a third, he calls himself schizophrenia

i am tired and my heart is heavy
there are rocks in my chest and there are pebbles in my throat
i want to take a knife and cut it wide open and rip them out
they are choking me and i forget what it's like to breathe

my mind reaches out to the first thing i know, blades
i can't find any and i panic, what do i do now
do i jump off? do i overdose?
just tell me what i have to do to take this pain away from my heart
please
please
please
just tell me

I thought about it, a lot
But I never did it.

it is the attention i will beg for because silence scares me
the voices in my head are demons and they just won't leave me alone please don't leave me alone they won't leave me alone

it is the lack of trust i will have in you because every single thing i have grown to love, leaves
my mind is far too noisy and they scream in languages i do not understand
but it is not completely foreign, i know they are telling me to walk away

it is the time i will always demand for
because the dark scares me, it always has
learning to live in the dusty corners of your head does not teach you how to no longer be afraid,
it only teaches you to scream and jump every time there is a silent movement, a little tweak

it is the love i will keep questioning
i am so sorry my sadness loves me more than you will ever be able to
she gets jealous every time my attention is drawn to another being that she creeps me
she will wake me even in my deepest sleep to remind me that she, never leaves

it is the reassurance that i will constantly need
i know you were there the last 8 times i laid stone cold on the bathroom floor, not being able to move
but where were you the other one time i couldn't get out of bed


to love me is to love my depression
to love me is to love my scars
to love me is to watch me destroy myself over and over again but to stay
to love me is to hold me when i scream at you to leave me, it is not me it is my head it is not me it is my head it is not me
it is
my head

when i say i am tired
i am tired of explaining why my head is so full of thoughts that eat my heart from the inside out

when i say i am tired
i am tired of you asking me to just "snap out of it", i am dying on the inside and i do not know how else i can phrase it for you to understand

when i say i am tired
i am tired of the nightmares that make me feel like i have not slept at all, i am tired for screaming for help inside my head

when i say i am tired
i am tired of trying to fight a battle that i will never win, maybe this is how it all ends

when i say i am tired,
do not keep asking. just hold me and tell me i will be alright
when i do not believe you,
let me go.

where is my indian
is it in the way i don't use my palms as a medium to transport rice into the back of my mouth
is it in the way my face turns gloomy at the sight of spice and curry
is it in my skin color that isn't as brown as you need it to be
is it in my eyebrows which aren't as bushy as per your requirements

is it in the way my tongue twists awkwardly as i say happy diwali
is it in the way amma is the most fluent piece of tamil i speak
is it in the way i didn't know how to recite the words at my grandpas funeral
is it in the way i cannot, for the life of me, name you another tamil movie besides chandramukhi?

or

is it in the religious classes i took up until age 12
is it in the ramayana epic that i learnt, age 8
is it in the sanskrit bhajans i was made to sing, not knowing what they meant, age 10
is it in knowing that ganesh is the remover of obstacles,
brahma, vishnu, shiva - the creator, the preserver, the destroyer

is it in the eyeliner drawing a bindi in between my eyes when i
head to the temple, to present myself as indian

where is my indian
is it on a checklist, is there a passing mark?
where is my indian
please tell me,
because i am tired of feeling like a foreigner in my own skin

Today someone asked me why do I write
And I stared blankly into thin air
And then someone asked me
" What do you see in those words? "

And then I merely looked up and said
" What don't I see in those words? "


Maybe it's the way these words have power
Maybe it's the way these words collide and form
Beautiful,
Life changing,
Phrases.