Grace
for my independent self feeding off lies and trying to live on my own
Grace
to pull me back to the throne

Grace
because I say what I'm doing is divine,
but the reality is
those plans are all mine

For my glory, for my fame,
but instead He gave up His name
Came to earth and
bore a cross for my shame

Grace
because I know I don't deserve it
Yet
I'm still trying to earn it

Living as an orphan
instead of a child
No longer lost, because for me
He was meek and mild

Lamb of God, slain
On Him all wrath was lain
So I could be free,
grace covers my iniquity

Grace
because I say I am strong
But really, it's His grace
that carries me along

Grace
because all that's left to see
is the cross as I cry,
have mercy on me

Grace because it's free,
and the beauty is I can never earn or deserve it
Grace that has set me free
Grace that says I'm redeemed

I am
     the only wall you will ever need

                                                    Stop hiding
                                                   Stop fighting
                             against the wrongs you have committed
                               things you wish could remain hidden

Shame is just a mask
Guilt a hidden dagger
         stabbing you again and again
                   never letting you get better

The beauty of grace
is you don't have to be afraid
Mercy new every morning
I've taken your cloak of shame

                                        You can hide behind me
                                    because grace is an ocean and
                                   I've already stopped the storm

When everyone says,
                               "be perfect"
My outstretched arms say,
                               "I already am"

When you hide behind a wall
a construct of your own two hands
You limit a grace that is greater

           Shut everyone out
                           box yourself in

It's not about what you can do
            
                                         It's about what I've done  

I'm tearing down your walls
because I'm the only one
you need

Snow, I hate, No,
Dislike.
Snow’s dislike originates,
Snow indicates-
The air becomes cold enough,
Pour down
White-feathered drops
Upon our heads
Snow, I dislike
Yet,
If cold is cold,
It has to be
I’d prefer
It pretty
So snow's cold I dislike,
But snow appearance
I like

Pass a stranger
Nod a polite hello
Choke on the smell of
Cigarette smoke
Blooming all around
Hold breath till
It's passed
Release and gasp
Fresh new air
But he wasn't the only smoker
Around here
You can get cancer from
Second-hand smoke, you know?
I'm convince we'll all
Die of cancer anyways
Cancer of the body or
Cancer of the heart
Something eating away
All of us and we can't
Self-diagnose the chaos
Looking for something
In all the wrong places
Surface level satisfactions
Nicotine and addictions
Rotting away the soul
And we're all dying of
Some cancer
Cancer of the soul
Looking for answers
Failing to look past ourselves
For Something
Someone
To ease the pain
Satisfy the ache of soul
Clean up a world where
No one smokes
Their souls into
Oblivion

Whipping in the wind.

Floating along.
Free as a song.
Carrying along.

No longer just surviving.
Now carefree and thriving.

Gently curving around each bend.

Don't worry,
just be

Redefined.

A cloud surrounds me.
Suffocates.
The lies, they feel so real they must be I can't see anything else anymore so
Clearly, so they must be
Everything I've forgotten, every scar that I had gotten, and the words, the stares, new knife-marks in my skin

I know the Truth, but I can't always discern the lies.

It only takes one, to get in, penetrating my skin. And downward, I spin.
Into the darkness, the abyss. I can't
get out
Drowning
The words and I think I'm the end of everyone's stares. It only takes one thing, to hear, and my mind runs wild. An inescapable spiraling of words and thoughts of self-loathing.
It's a tangled web of heart-broken conditions, misintentions, these afflictions, did you know heartbreak is a diagnosable thing? It is. I decided.
My heart was breaking.
My heart is break
ing.

Tangled misintentions, a wave of self-doubting afflictions, all conditions of this mess
we've woven.
A web we've spun from our brokenness, and in the madness my minds screams,

This is all your fault
Never good enough
Too much, or
Too little
You'll never be whole
Broken beyond repair or care
This is all your fault
Time to leave
Always say never
Because you aren't fit for any
Endeavor
It's better if you leave
You aren't good enough to believe
Just go
Never
good enough

The lies are so thick I can barely breathe
Scars aren't really healed if you're still bleeding from the slashes. Cut hearts and, broken wrists.

And none of it's true and part of me knows it, inside but the lies keep on coming and sometimes
self-deprecation, feels good
self-imposed asphyxiation, fills you up more than air in your lungs could
Because pain is an addiction when we won't believe who we are.
When I don't believe.
I'm just creating more scars.

And the lies wrap me up, suffocating in this web of misintention, but a moment of clarity reveals all these afflictions, I sense the darkness creeping in surrounding and
impounding my heart.
Drowning out the Truth, masking the lies, telling me I should believe I'm worthless.
And the lies
make sense
I'm
suffocating inside
I cry out, inside my heart and my mind

Tell me the Truth, I can't discern the lies.

That
infiltrate my soul, I've heard them so many thousands of times
But the scars haven't healed and I'm still bleeding from the slashes
I need a reason to sing, I need someone to bring me out before the swirling darkness settles in and poison takes over my veins. **** out the venom
Or I'll die here alone

And I cry to hear the Truth that overpowers the lies.

I was alone in a claustrophobic cloud of hateful invention.
And two hands reached in, grasped my shoulders, turned me round.
Looked past my eyes and straight into my soul.
Gentle and loving, I hear,
I will fight past the lies to tell you the Truth.
You're Mine

But
Love hung on a tree
Bruised body
blood flowed
Love died for my shame

Love didn't look at skin or color
Love didn't look at nationality,
legality
Love look at souls
and said we're brothers
Blood flowed
for every nation,
tribe and
tongue

But we've forgotten.

And now
the prophets of the streets
crying like Pentecostal priests
Beating chests and
stomping feet
Begging
those choosing blindness
to see

See our pain
Feel our fury
Our righteous anger
rages
against injustices you pretend can
remain unseen

You were born with this freedom
to close your eyes
We were born into a world
stabbing us from behind

So don't
bring your Bibles,
shove your tracts
drag us down aisles
You weren't here from the beginning
Fighting to break chains and
set captives free

"We have nothing to lose but our chains"

Our battle cry is freedom
justice,
equality for all
Jew and Gentile
Slave and free
Now the verses can read
Black and white
Upper class and lower
College educated, GED

You know, He's crying with us
shouting, marching
Beating chest and
stomping feet

Don't think you're bringing Jesus to us
He's already here,
on the streets
Prophecy of protests
Righteous rage against
iniquity
Jesus, the revolutionary

God with us
On the ground with us

Love doesn't look at
skin or color
And love hung from
a tree

It is our duty to fight for our freedom
Love has already won the day

And we have nothing to lose but our chains
We will fight to lose our chains

Cardboard doubles
as shredded sheets
"Spare a little change,
trying to make ends meet
Just seeking refuge
from the cold and sleet"

Well, the Savior didn't have a place
to lay His head
So maybe they're closer to Him
than I am

But people see the signs
All they do is stare
Wonder, what's he done
and where's she been?
I couldn't cast the stone
cuz my record ain't clean

No one gave me
the judgement rod
And you, sir, don't look like God
Driving by
rolling up your windows and
down your nose
"Probably for drugs,"
your judgments say
"Lazy *** will
squander it away"

As if you and I
never fail, please don't forget
we've just been given
a better circumstance,
missed some unfortunate
happenstance
Do you squander love?
Waste your privilege?

We're all the same
Skin bones and blood
And I know I'm
begging for change
on the streets of human love
Forgetting I've been given grace
from the Divine
Covered by love that looks like
water blood and wine

Maybe my friend
the "homeless ***"
is really a bit closer
to the One

Restless. The journey to and from and around my own mind. It's surprising, I'm supervising, this life of mine. I sprint up the stairs of my solitary mind, the castle cascading down a mountainside. Around, around, through trenches, around towers, upward I climb. Stairs grow smaller, closer together, near the top. Rails gone, I look down and shudder for it never stops. It seems I could run forever in this endless masquerade. This masquerade, mask, mask, masquerade. At the top, now. The peak, the pinnacle. Looking down I can see it all, my mind, through my mind's eyes. Everything I've beaten, everything I've broken. Moments, Memories, Scars, Stories, Relics, Relationships, Sounds, Strings, Pictures, Places. Chaotic world, jumbled together, with some surprising and inspired chance forming my fortress. I can see it all. So real. I'm so, tired. Of this masquerade. Mask, mask, masquerade. I recall, all the moments. But I will not fall, as, I look down and through and over and about the past problems, relics of remembrance, sweet sorrows, gentle joys, hope and happiness, helps and highs and glimpses of Heaven. It's my story. My messy mask. As I look down and take in what surrounds, I change. Restlessness grows still. See my world, embrace the masks I've made. But, the masquerade no longer defines. It won't fill, me.

no butterflies in my stomach
I have hands in my chest
grabbing my heart
squeezing it without rest
Crushing me
I'm helpless at best
Tears welling up
salty pieces of soul
filling my eyes
down they roll
You can't ever fully escape
heartbreak
Tears
my broken self spilling out
seeping through my skin
Can't hold it all together
forever
Maybe I'm grateful for
those hands crushing my chest
Don't have to feel all the pain
desperately trying to find rest
But my soul won't stop crying
heart bleeding salty tears down my cheeks
This heartbreak doesn't heal
you just learn to live with the pain

Blood poured from head, hands, lacerated skin
Water flowed from stabbed side
Love filled eyes instead of tears

trepidation.
walk on eggshells. Don't make the wrong move. words are more powerful than you know. vanquished by them, yet again. Woulds never heal when written by a blade of sound.
walk away.
hopeless, forlorn. dejected and rejected. failure cuts a knife so deep. why. Never should make a person feel, this way. rejected. a state of being denied, shunned, dropped, jilted or abandoned. Drop-kicked is more accurate. through thoughts and feelings and walls of un-intention. Unintentional doesn't mean, unafflicting. It's not unconditional.
Up, down, turn around. Hide and seek, but words will always find you. Ominous. Noxious. Apocalyptic. Impending and inauspicious, never pending doom. Don't drown. words surround. Overpower and oppress, get in touch with loneliness. Inescapable. Better to surrender. words.
Immobilize. Can't even hear. Things being said, here. take out. shut off. take over. can't control. it's overtaking. seize power. let go. it'll never stop. Beaten. Buried. Conquered. No respite here. Weariness, none do care. Defeated, run-over. a dump truck of cruelty crushing, running over your heart. The soul is next. **** the heart, now defeat the senses. can't, survive. stressed and, suppressed.
The power of a consonant hath never been matched.
Rip apart, tear down from the start. People don't matter when reduced to mere words and petty emotion. Remove humanity. Steal personality. Nothing matters. Anymore. Disheartened and, Decomposed. Striped bare. unaware. doesn't matter, anymore.
forebodingly frightful. frustrating, feeble, failing, falling, faintheartedly framed. Fuddled. Flustered. No solution to this mess. no respite from such unbearable distress. The fright won't subside.
What a great terror, to be left outside. Alone. In the dark. words. tear, destroy. Shut out in the cold, still scared and alone. Abandoned and deserted. Desolate in a land of cruel misintentions. Uneager comprehensions.
Falling, no stopping. Fear suffocating any chance for hope. Fall.

forever and always.
a very long time.
Flying along with the feeling of freedom. elation. sprouting wings, they shoot out from shoulderblades. Time to sour. Unrestrained, liberty and life in the breath of the clouds. Whole and Complete. Joy unending.
these things can't be written, only felt and forgiven. Unbidden, so, welcome still. Freedom of the soul can't be lost of sold. the way the music plays, crescendos and dances. Notes the most beautiful melody of joyous abandon.
Release. Fly.
Freedom in the waves, wings glide along glistening waters.
Sparkles.
Millions of diamonds dancing atop waters, delighting in the laughter of joy and, innocence. Wings unfurl, plummet through sky. no stopping no turning no end to this flight. Can't open or close, define or control. this freedom brings so, much, more. Words can't describe, minds can't imagine. Poets left wordless, musicians without notes.
Purity, not a definable thing. This love, that they sing. it isn't a definable thing.
release, be free. That's the song to be sung, nothing can come, near. Sweeping and swirling, with no worries simply twirling. unimaginable. uncontainable. the beauty of this freedom song. A dance, sweet flight, all things beautiful. Release and relinquish and be free inside. arms open wide, wings spread so free. on top of a cliff, overlooking the sea. Breaking. Free.
Forever and always, the love of which we sing. freedom comes at a price, I'm growing new wings. break. free. New and completed, ever appreciated. Perfection in imperfection, every bit accepted and, unabbreviated. No need to say no, to change or to bend. Just spread those wings and sour through the breath of the wind. Undivided and unqualified, yet utterly complete. Perfected in the sight of love consummate.
Flawless, fearless, freely flying, forever and always. such a very long time.
Perfectly broken and unintentionally flawed. Beautiful in the chaos of a world still in snow. Beautifully broken, all the battles have been won. sweet wings open wide, feathers glisten and gleam.
fly. fly.
fly free.

Sometimes
I wonder
am I more saint
or sinner
Is it
self-preservation or
selfish and me-centered?

And how,
how can I know
when Your voice feels
so far off?

Am I saint
or sinner
self-preserving or
self-centered?

Your voice isn't sounding
all I hear is silence
And I beg,
I plead,
Lord,
am I a saint
or a sinner?

Sometimes I can't breathe
my soul
suffocating in
questions without answers

What
do you see, in me?
Saint
or a sinner?

Do I delight or
disappoint,
You and others with
this life I'm trying to live?

Questions
begging answers
can't rest until
they're found

Saint
or sinner,
self-preserving or
self-centered?

"God creates out of nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but he does what is still more wonderful: He makes saints out of sinners."
― The Journals of Soren Kierkegaard

Jewels
Just joking
the jankiest of jaunts
Juxtaposing justice
Jails and
Jealousy
A jingling jackpot
Joyfully
Jostling
Jawboned jewels

Longing
        
               for a world made right

Knowing
  
               the truth that restores

                            
                                      Yet.
                                              Still.

Living

           in brokenness and disrepair

Waiting

              for the world to be pure white.

I chose the narrow path
less trod and
not well-worn
Entangled in briars and brambles
I knew my skin would be torn

As I ran along
voices whispered
taunting, jeering, mocking
my decision to take
the narrow road

But another voice penetrated the darkness
a blanket of hope
laying over all my fears
Gently reminding
this path leads home

As I ran I oft stumbled
was quick to falter and fall
Soon I understood
why this path seemed empty
and unworn

For in the moments
when I could
no longer even crawl
strong arms reached out
to carry me to the throne

by Katy Owens, December 2012

Brake lights reflect off streets damp with spring snow
Brake lights and street lights and street signs reflect a myriad of colors
A beautiful array off streets too terrifyingly wet to properly see
Danger in the brake lights
Shining street signs
Of roads too wet to see
And sometimes there's beauty in the danger
Sometimes
Dangerous is beautiful
And before there was light the world was in darkness
And before light there was darkness
And before light there was God
In the darkness
So if we spend so much time driving away from the darkness
Do we miss God in the beauty
Of street lights reflected on dark, shiny roads
Do we miss the beauty only found
In the darkest of nights
Are we straining to see with eyes not truly looking
Maybe in darkness our hearts
Learn to hear
Our souls begin to seek
Our ears see
And eyes feel
and bodies hear
And souls find
that peace comes from
Being WITH God, not from sight
And in the danger
There is beauty
Of a soul at peace
Seeing God without eyes
And soft brake lights

Open window, light shines in
Patch of gold
Shimmer on floor
Whispers
Take a chance
On me

Water, drips
Escaping from cold pipes
Claustrophobic caverns of mildew and moisture
Collecting in pools at the mouth of the faucet, forming and fusing until it's big enough
To fall

Drop
Plummets down, an endless journey, toward the white expanse of a sink and the impending drain that crowns it
Flowing down the smooth porcelain sides, nearer to that terrifying drain
Lingering on the edges until the water once more collects
And down the drain the drip falls
Back to the claustrophobic pipes
Time to go again

I am a small child, again -
wrapped in the arms of
Some One who loves.
Strong arms,
wrapped around
never release
never leave
always

Bare branches
Stripped
By whipping winds of winter
With cold air arrives
Sprinkling of snow
Dusting branches like
Powered sugar on
Mom's warm brownies
Reminiscent of
Warmth, welcome home
So far away now
Cold
Alone
Starkly beautiful
Lightly covered
Soft blanket of
Snow
Solitary
Yet never truly
Alone
Gently dancing
With wind
Whispering through winter
"The sun will come out
Again"

When the rain falls
and worries slide
like drops down a windshield
sprinkled in drops
And the fears don't
feel so
overwhelming,
anymore
Falling clouds
help the fears
fall away
And maybe by tomorrow
even though the mud
hasn't dried
and sometimes my
hands still feel tied
I'll start to feel,
like clouds fading into day,
a little more
okay

fall
    flurries

those bits of
crumbled color, crushed
                                     into
                        the ground

hints of red
crimson and gold
the fragrance of a season

                              brilliance
                                 so crisp
eyes nearly have to squint

leaves and color gently
drop from
branches
shredding
their yearly coat

floating down
       or pushed
            by
                  windy
                            gust

fall flurries

Walls I'd
Carefully erected
Deconstructed in
A few moments of
Brutal honesty and
Embraced doubt
You'll run
You'll reject
Never forgive
Heaven forbid you forget

Those doubts, crushed
When the pressure couldn't
Be handled and
I combusted
Wall deconstructed
Those bricks held in place by
Mortar mixed with my lies
Set carefully by insecurity,
Crumbling in the explosion
Telling me
To just be

But now, not
Too long later,
I'm scrambling
To pick up the pieces
Gathering bricks and ashes
Remixing my mortar of lies
Trying to reconstruct
My walls

I know
That it isn't good, but
It sure as hell feels easier
Stack brick, on brick
Hide away,
All hide and no seek
I know it's no good
But it sure feels easier

I know
Out of ashes can
Come a beautiful new creation
Redeemed and restored
Because
Lighting and sand make
Glass in a storm
Combine enough
Pressure and heat and
You get a diamond

I know beauty comes
From ashes and
I'm a rough cut diamond crafted
By Greater Hands

But I still want to
Scrape up the ashes
Mix my mortar,
Build my wall
Because it may not be good,
But it sure as hell feels easier

Help me believe
Your diamonds are
Better than
My bricks
Don't let me reconstruct
My walls of
Insecurity and
Self-sufficiency
Deconstructing all
You've built in me

I have
To love You more

When
floating dust hits
the sun just right it
looks like flecks of diamonds floating
through the air reminding
me we're all
just dust and
beauty comes from
ashes
Floating diamonds

Tea
and Thoughts
centered on the table
Tea is gone
but Thoughts
are brimming full

******,
Lord...

I keep falling
short

If I could walk around
on my knees,
would You expect less of me?

Because the bar
seems too high
and I believe that
You've asked me to die

To myself
self-ish gain
to my ways
man's high-ways

And I think I've said
no
again and again
to the whims of my
fellow man

But it's never enough
it would seem
Fall flat off my feet once
again

Bar's too high
can't reach that high
How much more do You want me
to die?

When do I get to cry
"it's finished"
Have given enough to
once again feel
Your touch

When all I want
is to know You more
and this world around keeps
pushing me to the floor

Are my ways ever good
when only Your ways are God

Do I only reach higher
when I find myself lower
Cuz every **** day
I fall even shorter

I'm seeking perfection seated
on a throne
and today feels like I'm battling alone

Do I only find perfection
when I'm sitting on the ground
where heaven and earth meet
In a glorious dance
this miraculous romance
to find truth in the dichotomy
of dirt and divine

To stop reaching for a
kingdom in the sky
find eternity in my heart
this Kingdom is nigh

Lord,
I'm still falling
short
flat on my face
growing use to dirt in my mouth's
gritty taste

Maybe in moments of
my greatest failure
are where I meet
my relentless Savior

Looking up I see
the cross

Bloodstained wood
Nine-inch nails

Reminder of
the greatest sacrifice

Closing my tired eyes
I see

A Savior staring
back at me

Through tears of pain
sweating bullets of blood

His loving eyes say,
"you are more than enough"

I open my eyes
See clearly

All weariness now
wiped away

His grace is enough
for all of me

Looking up I see
the cross

My mind transformed
My life renewed

Heart breaking
for what breaks His

Freedom for captive
Hope for orphan

My desires are His
for love, justice, mercy, and peace

Looking up I see
the cross

And I see myself
through my opened eyes

Lost and broken
Weak and weary

Adopted and loved
Restored and healed

Precious in the eyes
of my loving Jesus

I see the cross
And now I can truly see

lustrous colors drip.
mixing, melting, marbling.
go down the drain. paint.

Summer storm clouds
Rolling in
Flash of light
Shrill whistles blow,
Long and Clears
Out crowded waters
Smiles dance on
Restless faces
Summer Storms
Favorite part of
A lifeguard’s day.

You fill

Safe and Smile

friend me

secret

you’re Beautiful
and Love

me

Happiness and Kindness
My heart to you

a friend, share I

help give, how? with
my
love

Hug

Together. Home. Us.

love (is) my feeling
My feeling is Love

Listen
Like
Flower
Friend
Favorite
Enjoy

Comfort(ing)

me

Catching dreams
like paper planes.
Flying,
twisting,
falling, all about.
Blowing in the wind,
like grains of sand.
And suddenly
there's nothing holding you together
Anymore.

You say
There is no fear
Yet
I always feel it here


Draped about me
A cloak suffocating me


Burden on my soul


Heavy weighing down,
My heart, nearly broke


You say  
Perfect love casts out fear
Yet
Always I am afraid


Always permeating
In my soul harsh words
Resonating


"You're not quite right"
"You could always be better"


What if I fall
What if I fail


To be short of the mark
Of this
I am so afraid


He says
I care not for judgments of man
Only
Of God's mighty hand


But the feeling
Can't shake
Eyes always watching
For a mistake


Whisper, "You're not good enough"


There is no fear in love
Yet I'm always afraid
Of
Eyes always watching
And the judgments of man


When will love be enough?

I want
to fall
Tripping down
over my
brokenness and
pride on
the ground
beneath me
I want
to fall
so your
strength can
pick me
up, again
Again the
reality of
my weakness
so openly
on display
Complete only
in your
perfect strength