Apple pie is a wonderful treat, one of my favorite desserts.
With a warm, flaky crust, a scoop to make it à la mode,
Sweet with a spoonful of whipped cream.

But the pie by itself, doesn't make it my favorite treat.
It's where it takes my mind whenever I see it,
Smell it,
Taste it...

It was not your beauty that smote my heart, though you are beautiful.
It was not your illustrious eyes withholding a gorgeous soul.
It was not your delicate face that fills mirrors with joy when they reflect it.
All theses are parts of your magnificent, appealing body.
It was not your charm that smote my heart, though you are charming also.
It was not your gracious kindness and loving hugs as I cried into my pillow, broken by life's wicked games.
It was not your adorable bubblyness that cheered my spirits everyday.
All these are great parts of your stunning character.

It was you, only you, that stormed the keep of my frail and dying heart.
Seeing me as I was - broken like glass on a marbled floor - you gathered the shards and mended them with your own.

I sometimes wonder if there's something that reminds you of me, the way this apple pie reminds me of you.

Does a smile cross your beautiful face when I first say hello to you?
Do you stay awake tossing and turning because I won't leave your head or your heart?
Does your stomach tingle when we're separated from each other's company?
Did you cry alone at night when you and I thought we would never speak to each other again?

Do you love me?
Do you know I love you?

These are my thoughts, my questions,
After a slice of,
Apple pie.

Dear Abba,
    
      To spiritually photoshop, or not to spiritually photoshop: that is a recurring question. I’ve gotten pretty good at cropping and resizing to keep an impressive façade, but the emptiness behind it is the telling thing, telling me that something about the life I’m living is off the tracks. I’m not the biggest fan of mirrors but I realize they do serve a purpose: showing me the reality, the real me. I’m a ragamuffin, always have been, and yet You love me, the real me. Amazing.

Some days I'm finding my heart to be increasingly distanced from my friends and family. I'm feeling so incredibly alone and unable to shake the feeling that I'm not going to find my way out of this maze that is my mind. I mean, most days I'm feeling like my mind is still asleep on my bed and under my sheets.

I'm tired of these trust issues I have slowly tear away at my mind. It makes it hard to open up to people and get the help I know I need but am unwilling to accept... I put my friends through a lot because I'm a total mess inside.

This last year has undone me in ways I didn't even know were possible... I've lost and lost and somehow am still losing more because I'm leaking out of myself as if I'm a broken pipe.

I never expected to struggle with alcoholism. I never expected to not know how to trust my closest friends that have been there for me through thick and thin for years. I don't know how to cope with horrific nightmares, or the paranoia that I'm going to lose somebody else...

All I ever wanted out of this life was for somebody to love. I know I'm a good guy with a lot to offer, but it seems nobody wants that anymore. Maybe everyone is just as ****** up as I am. I don't know.

I just know these empty nights are killing me and empty days are leaving me hopeless. What's a Christian without hope supposed to be? ****...

Same, same, same, same,
Same, same, same;
Words, words, words, words, words;
Something about love,
Something about life;

Copy // paste broken feelings;
Attempts at a deeper meaning;
Trapped with the same words,
Said differently;
Seven hundred plus posted poems,
Seven hundred more I scrapped;
But every one I write,
Feels like I'm on page one...

The art of expression needn't,
A canvas,
A page,
A rock,
A brush,
A pen,
A chisel.

The art of expression needs only,
You,
Your heart,
And a path out.

Is poetry an art or an expression?
Rhymes, rhythms, charms, pain,
Tell me, is it art? Is it expression?

I cannot deny poetry is an art,
Full of beauty and elegance.
Poets have such passion to write,
Which is why I have never been a poet.
I simply express myself through pen and paper,
With a poetic soul, yes, but I'm not a poet.

Passion, motivation,
Fell silent.
Fell asleep.
Deeply dreaming,
In trance.
Forgotten.
Forgone.
Oh no!

Avail my mind to find the key to your heart;
Sojurn my soul to lift you to higher levels.

I seek to discover the richness of your love.

Let my ardor for you find peace in your heart.
Oh, that you would want me with fondness!
Voluptuous is your beauty; veracious my love;
Enriching our lives, our hands interlock.

Yet you do not see this the same as I!
Offering my heart to you, you recoil;
Undone is my spirit, mangled and mutilated.

Somewhere between life and death
I took a fifty cal bullet straight in the chest

It hurt at first, then all became numb
My insides burst out, I could only succumb

To the dancing darkness closing my eyes
To the opening light piercing the sky.

They called her an attention ***** for the last time
As she put the gun to her stomach and pulled the trigger.

The fat girl
The bipolar girl
The depressed girl
The nymphomaniac
The airhead blonde
The discarded cheerleader
The broken hearted

The girl who cuts
The girl who cries
The girl who has a eating disorder
The girl who can't help herself
The girl who is always alone
The girl who gets yelled at
The girl who always gets *****

She just wanted love
But this is all she has

She has a cheating boyfriend
She has a horrible father
She has an abusive mother
She has a shattered heart
She has a numb mind
She has a lost hope
She has a sharp knife
She has a loaded gun

I'm sure they just wanted attention. I'm sure they were perfectly fine.
I'm sure they didn't need the helping hand. I'm sure they're just overreacting.

I'm sure she's dead. I'm sure you don't really care.

I finally understand how much I hate myself

I'm sorry for clinging too tight to the people I love,
I'm sorry for the addiction ruining friendships,
I'm sorry for the people who I hurt inadvertently,
I'm sorry for having my heart continually bleed
I'm sorry my friends can never stay a part of my life,
I'm sorry my mind is a stew of PTSD and abandonment,
I'm sorry my body has felt the blade to ease the pain,
I'm sorry my heart is so shattered I can't love past friends,
I'm sorry I ever trusted certain people not to hurt me,
I'm sorry I've always been alone and don't understand people,
I'm sorry I always talked straight because I hate ******* games,
I'm sorry I either try too hard or give up too easy,
I'm sorry that hope has taken it's leave from me,
I'm sorry that my faith became critically wounded,
I'm sorry that I was a let-down since I was a child,
I'm sorry that family never really felt like family,

I'm sorry for the hurt, the misery, the agony, the pain,
I'm sorry for the things *i can't change...

To those who have walked away when
I gave everything
I forgive you

To those I have hurt when I sunk too deep
I am so very sorry
I seek your forgiveness

To every vacated prayer I have prayed
I have weak faith
and many sins

To the year that has tortured me
I will come up swinging
I will not bow

A fiddle playing maid wearing a clown outfit
Challenged me to a game of black jack
Where the stakes were steaks
A t-bone I did desire
But the iced tea was spilled
How rude!
So I left the maid for a bell
Trying to get my wonderful meat
But I ended up with bacon
Given from the devil himself

I cage myself because I hate myself,
More and more feeling the burn,
Deep in my heart, whispering my mind,
Telling me I'm no good, I'm not right.

My shadow is going to become my only friend,
Because I can never cause it grief or pain,
It's okay to cry for me, I'm already insane,
Loss of senses over the anguish of insensitivity.

Didn't mean to hurt you so deep,
I really should've known better,
Here, let me put a bandaid,
On that heart I amputated.

The hot bath water helps me not tonight
This feeling of uncertainty fogs my mind
Like the steam rising up fogs the mirror
Lots of thoughts racing through my head

Hoping we don't just turn to memories
Perhaps it just went too fast
Hoping we are going to last
Perhaps we're really in jeopardy

The beast within is baying for blood
The devil sings a sweet song to him
Dances on pawed feet, the beast does
Claws scratch the marbled floor

The devil whispers the deathly melody
Beast's mouth salivates in anticipation
Memories of flesh in between his teeth
His heart begins to beat faster

The demonic choir sings loudly
Echoes into the beast's ears
Fresh meat fills his nostrils
And the blood fills his mouth

When he comes out of his bloodlust
He is bathed in the life of his kills
Trickling into his eyes and ears
Their faces, their voices, haunting him...

Why is it no matter how many words
   I plaster to a page with a broken heart,
How many poems I write about you,
How much I love you,
   That we aren't together living in happily ever after?

You're engrained into every cell of my existence.
Because every beat of my heart cries out in pain for you.
Every tear that escapes from these hollowed eyes,
    Is every word I left unsaid to you.

*I'm sorry I never confessed my love for you,
It's just something you didn't need me to do.
Maybe you'll one day find out and know,
Perhaps then we will unite in love.
Tonight is just so much pain,
Of not having you.

My love for her is so great,
my heart melts for her 'til the dusk of day.
The night mourns when she's away,
cherish, adore 'til the dawn.

Her beauty is great,
Wondering mind 'til her sees,
pursuing is all I do,
While waiting for the moment, for her to say "I love you."

With such a finite amount of time to live
It would be foolish and worthless
To waste words on hate, anger, banter, lies, and flattery.
Be honest, kind, loving, speak your heart, and use wisdom.
It's real people that get hurt.

I think the only way I can see in black and white is to blind myself. Because my eyes are easily deceived, and I trust them no longer.

I think the only way to breathe is to tear out my lungs. Because they don't draw breath anymore, they only draw death.

I think the only way I can speak is to cut out my tongue. Because I talk but no words are ever spoken. Only lies.

I think the only way to die is to live. Because I'm dead so much and I want to live again.

Before you get in bed with me, there's a few things you need to know.

I'm a lot more than just a warm body you lay with, I promise.
Don't get me wrong, I love a woman's curves as much as the next man; but I know it's not the thing that matters.

I'm good at what I do when we get between those sheets, but I'm not going to just run there to get laid. I'll take you to a world of ecstasy and pleasure you may not have ever had before, but I don't get there so easily anymore.

I'm really a sensitive guy who's heart has multiple scars on every wall. See, I've been in love. I mean real love; the kind of love that should be made into a chick flick because it's so unrealistic but it actually happened to me. And it happened to me twice. And I lost them both.

So I have a lot of trust issues, and a lot of pain - really I'm terrified of being hurt again. I'm so tired of being hurt. And I know you want to take my pain away, but if you're just going to use my body then that will hurt.

I don't really care about the ******* anymore. I care about what's going on in your heart, I lust for the emotional intimacy and security and vulnerability that comes when we take off more than just our clothes. Cuz I want to be close.

So take that all in, I'm an open book. I won't hurt you, please don't just leave. If you're okay with something more than just flesh, then let's give us each other until morning light.

Air
It moves in an out between my lips
If fills and empties my lungs
It provides oxygen for my blood
And yet I hate the taste of it
It reminds me I'm alive
And I despair in life
Because life is harmful
My soul wrongs itself
So that tears fall from my eyes
If the air were to stop
I might be happy
Then again if the air stopped
I wouldn't have you

Air**
It moves in an out between my lips.
If fills and empties my lungs.
It provides oxygen for my blood.
And yet I hate the taste of it.
It reminds me I'm alive,
And I despair in life,
Because life is harmful.
My soul wrongs itself,
So that tears fall from my eyes.
If the air were to stop,
I might be happy;
Then again if the air stopped,
I wouldn't have you.

Turn the page,
Words of rage;
I'm on the wrong
side of broken,
and you put me here,
but I chose to stay.

I want to blame you,
Hate you, but I can't shame you;
There's something in the mirror,
it's slowly becoming clearer,
you're my highest low, my trigger.

I wish we'd never met,
You're my living hell;
torturing my heart now a shell,
harsh words from the man that
once loved you without fail.

You're a seven year wound,
I can't figure out how to forgive,
this bitterness is a wickedness
brought to the surface by wordless rage.
I hate you.

Yet I still love you,
at least the memory of you;
before you changed,
personality rearranged,
I loved you as you were.

The ones hardest to love
Are the ones that need it most;
you rejected mine and buried your own,
carried us to the gravestone,
are you alone tonight?

The love turned to ache,
when you chose to forsake
me to my demons within;
do you think of me still,
or am I just a speck of your past?

I loved you.
I hate you.
And I don't know how to let go.

The piercing cold has frozen my hold.
As my breath mists in the wind, I lose my mind in my sin.
Why did I walk through the pitch black portal?
Why did I sell my innocence for a price that wasn't priceless?
I look into the mirror, my face is what I see.
Yet my eyes hold a darkness, how is this me?
So I turn in horror, step out for some air.
But from me escapes screams of unfiltered anguish 'til my voice is like a bear.
Why did I walk?
Why did I sell?
Let the cold take me.
It's warmer than my hell.

Bleeding out...
Bleeding out...
Not a drop of blood
But I'm bleeding out dead

Bless the Man crucified
Bless the slain Lamb
Bless He who bled
Bless God in flesh
Bless the Savior
Bless Jesus
He Lives

I have forgotten how to breathe
yet my lungs keep me alive;

I am losing everyone
because I lost myself;

I am falling apart
splinter by splinter;

I am now lost
the walls break down;

Who am I;
What is in the mirror these days?

Blood seeps through the walls
From the sky like rain blood falls
Blood fills our heads
Makes all we see turn to red
Is this all we are?
Ghosts of the dead?
When there are children to be fed
We **** and we maim
Without the least bit of disdain
What shame.

boy meets girl
girl meets boy

boy falls in love
girl doesn't know

boy tells girl
girl gets scared

boy is always there
girl just doesn't care

boy gets wounded, starts shutting her out
girl wants to be close, gets hurt by the wall

boy suffers guilt from hurting her
girl suffers guilt from hurting him

boy can't stop loving her
she can't stop being afraid

round and round they go
in circles they orbit

boy wants to let her go but can't
girl just wants to find real love

boy ends it all because love just hurt too much
girl finally opened her eyes and saw love was always there for her

too late

Enjoy the
silence
settling around your
ears;
savor
the taste of air
while
the moment lasts.

When I am in my Dark Before Dawn,
Believing my falsehood that I am a Failure
Listening as Angels Fall, Breaking the Silence;
The sound is Hollow yet it brings me Close to Heaven.
Bury Me Alive is no longer my mantra;
Never Again shall The Great Divide form like this.
I taste the Ashes of Eden clinging to my lips, I remember that I am not forever Defeated.

Yet I am living in Dear Agony,
Feeling like I'm going to slowly Fade Away.
I realize that I Will not Bow to these demons,
I will Crawl as long as you Give Me a Sign.
Then I realise that it's all Hopeless when I,
Discover What Lies Beneath.
I solemnly sing out, in a whisper, the Anthem of the Angels.
I can comprehend it's Lights Out in my mind,
Screaming out Dear Agony out Into the Nothing because I am Without You...

Did I ever tell you about my Phobia?
I got it while I was reading The Diary of Jane,
It took my Breath away when she wrote she loves You.
So I fell like an Evil Angel,
Swearing to hate you Until the End.
With my self-centeredness I daftly decided I should Dance With the Devil at a ******* bar.
But... Here We Are again; I'm an Unknown Soldier and you've Had Enough.
Once again, You Fight Me.

Remember that We Are not Alone.
I've felt desperate, So Cold,
When it's just a Simple Design I should Follow.
You are my Firefly as you catch me. You Break My Fall and I won't Forget It.
But Sooner or Later I'm going to Breakdown,
Slipping Away because I can't Believe.
So watch me fall like *Rain.

I laugh like a maniac as serenity bleeds out at my feet,
The walls of protection that kept me from harm,
Crumbled to dust as I blew them sky high,
Destroying myself for the good of all.

What would you have me do?
Have a starlit night in peace and quiet?
I will not be the one who lives happily ever after.

I will do my best to bring myself to ruin,
Ruin of my own flesh and blood will come,
Call me crazy, call me insane,
It's why I do what I always do.

Wilted,
Withered,
On my knees,
Hysterical and broke.

The trigger I pull stems from a bottle,
The blood that fails us, made only of water.

You cannot **** what isn't living,
You can only die from not breathing.

I can no longer write;
My fingertips are lethargic, connected
to a paralyzed heart that wishes to no longer beat;
breathing is too painful to him.

I can no longer pray;
My faith is a stained mess, she has been
circumnavigated by every sin, plagued by depravity and apathy;
breathing is too painful to her.

I can no longer live;
My life is dead, outlined in chalk
Joy left me, love betrayed me, fate destroyed me;
breathing is too painful...