I laugh like a maniac as serenity bleeds out at my feet,
The walls of protection that kept me from harm,
Crumbled to dust as I blew them sky high,
Destroying myself for the good of all.

What would you have me do?
Have a starlit night in peace and quiet?
I will not be the one who lives happily ever after.

I will do my best to bring myself to ruin,
Ruin of my own flesh and blood will come,
Call me crazy, call me insane,
It's why I do what I always do.

Wilted,
Withered,
On my knees,
Hysterical and broke.

The trigger I pull stems from a bottle,
The blood that fails us, made only of water.

You cannot **** what isn't living,
You can only die from not breathing.

I can no longer write;
My fingertips are lethargic, connected
to a paralyzed heart that wishes to no longer beat;
breathing is too painful to him.

I can no longer pray;
My faith is a stained mess, she has been
circumnavigated by every sin, plagued by depravity and apathy;
breathing is too painful to her.

I can no longer live;
My life is dead, outlined in chalk
Joy left me, love betrayed me, fate destroyed me;
breathing is too painful...

I know I'm in love because I can't stop crying, telling her how much she means to me.
Because she turns every tear to diamonds and every sob into joy.
Because she saw my demons and never recoiled.
Because I see her demons and I'm not recoiling.
Because we're equally broken, and okay with it.

Broken moments like this,
Destined to be lost in time,
Fading like grains of sand,
Funneled into deep chasms.

Standing on a jagged cliff's edge upon tempestuous winds,
Arms outstretched to each side as I gaze down below and
I see beyond the sedimentary rocks stacked below by the tides.
I see life being revealed like a scroll unrolling through time.
I see a baby birthed by my wife, a healthy son with her eyes.
I see so many smiles to contrast the salty tears streaming my cheeks.
Arms come down to my sides and the wind ceases it's howling.
Sun ascends and the dark clouds set off to come again another day.
I have lived.

Broken moments like this,
Destined to be remembered,
Stay like an over-winter bird,
Kept as fine polished treasures.

Bitterness burns,
inside.
It takes my breath away;
can I cry?
Do I have shelter,
or shall I succumb?

These drafts I have about you
I can't finish them
I've tried for months
But the pain is too much

How could my family hurt me this bad?
How could we hurt each other so bad?
I have only one line written on each of you
I can't bear to write to the end

PTSD and so many fights
Cheating wife and lying husband
Father smokes like a chimney
Mother drinks like a shower drain

Brothers joined the armed forces
But I'm too disabled to join
I'm a great shot and can take a bullet
What more do they want?

So I'll be the black sheep
The outcast and pariah
I'll rise above you all
But I'll never forget you

Scream into my pillow
Bite my tongue in two
Claw off my flesh
And cleave my frail mind
Blow a hole in my soul
Break my hands
Tie me behind my back
Snap my neck, please
Because I don't want to give in

When I want to give in, I think of you
And all that you've done for me, friend.

I can't give in to this and hurt you
I won't hurt you like this, not in this way.

I love being nobody
I need to be nobody
Anonymity is my cloak
The only way I survive

Because when I'm nobody to everyone
I'm everything to nobody
I can work in the background
And, being unnoticed, do great things

I'll die in an unmarked grave
I'm happy with that
Because if you live peacefully
It was worth the cost

Chasing after you is like a merry-go-round ride...
You're always in front of me, close to me...
But I can never actually get you...

Yet I always get off and put another quarter in the **** thing...
So in the end...
You're not to blame...

Settled for this setting
but wanted more
all I got
was war war war

The "righteous" stoning
breaking every bone
all their poison
sown and grown and I groan

This building  was to be holy
but this place is lonely
cold
wholly unholy

Am I at any point better
to call the church a fetter?
silent judgments
& this severed letter

Off to church in Sunday's best;
But why must it be formal dress?
God sees through ties and vests;
So who is it we'll impress?

Can't let our friends and family
See through our masquerade
Gotta be perfect for this day
Let nobody see every other day

Sunday: "Perfect"
Monday: Cuss out your co-worker
Tuesday: Neglect to spend time with your kids
Wednesday: Go to Bible Study
Thursday: Drink all night
Friday: Hit the *******
Saturday: Recover for tomorrow

So often I feel that church is just a costume party.

please just let these wounds bleed/
razor blades across my brain/
razor blades across my brain/
over and over again/
counterfeit feelings and choked out dreams/
all im asking is you let me bleed/
let me breathe/
scream for air in a silent scare/
razor blades across my brain/
razor blades across my brain/
tired eyes and a poured out heart/
stop living and just survive after ive died/
nonsense is my language of choice/
a voice alone in the dark corner of my/
razor blades across my brain/
razor blades across my brain/

I made a bed of wrong turns and bad choices
  & blankets of regrets and sorrows
I cry myself to sleep in this livid torment
  & dream whilst never awaking...

I want to run;
Run away,
Far away,
To distant places.

Planets in space,
Worlds away,
World's apart,
To start anew.

Refreshing change,
From the mundane,
And the monotonous,
Worthy of champagne.

Mountains tall and wide,
Little hills their children.
Deserts of vast expanse,
Oceans surrounding sand.

Fields of green and corn,
Rocky oasis, huge waterfall.
Somewhere to go,
Anywhere but here.

Every single tear of blood
        Cupped in Your scarred hands

Deserted island, just me and the waves.
  Driftwood washing ashore, lies are no more.
Palm trees encircled all around the shore,
  Skull and crossbones adorn my lonesome home.

Nothing to do with my adequate time,
  But to build sand kingdoms and,
Watch them crumble with shifting tides.
  Oh, what a blight to be me!

Passing ships glide over starlight's gaze,
  Nothing but laughter from their crowded   decks.
The only friend I have is a coconut;
  To eat or to talk? A tough decision...

I lust for the things I do not need
Chaining myself to these sorrows of sins
I pray without seeking forgiveness
Hating those evil men whom pray louder

I am pride, I am hubris, I am blind
Honesty died long ago in my youth
I am a twisted and cursed creature
Painted with a disarming masquerade

I am what You hate, I am two-face
Walking in darkness and claiming light
I love adultery and hate Your Love
Lord I am sorry... Lord I am sorry

If only I had no consequences to my actions.
Stars that glisten in the sky's night light,
Reflecting your beauty that matches endless suns.
If I had no consequences to my actions, surely,
I would join our lips in a sinful embrace.
Could we have just this one night?
This one moment?

I strike thee heart, as you struck mine,
Entertaining the peripheral of untouched love.
Hand holds hand, finger against finger.
I wish it were so!

You are going, going away,
Unbeknownst to you,
My heart sojurns with you.
Even to the ends of the earth,
Beyond the rugged edge of it all,
I follow you to your tomb.

If only I had no consequences to my actions,
I would give my heart to you.

Let there be no dawn from the sun,
I wish it not to be,
The dark pits of my mind's eye,
Leave me withering,
Cradling any hope and goodness,
But it is dead in my arms,
Like a smothered infant child,
My tears turn to blood,
Fingernails claw rock as I slide,
Further down,
Echoes rise up this chasm,
Earth falls on me...

I wrap my life in crimson sheets of paper
         so nobody will notice when the blood seeps through

Everything is crushing me
Silently the world passes by
Onlookers without love
Demons plaguing their lungs

But demons plague me as well
The dust stuck to my lips
Gravel caught in my teeth
The bootheel against my throat

Yes, everything is crushing me
As I try to carry the world
Everything is crushing me
Because I'm under the water

I'm curious
And I love being curious.
But curiosity killed the cat.
Which means curiosity is a murderer.
The cat only wanted to know what things meant
So curiosity gave her shoes of cement
And threw her in the river to prevent
The ugly past of curiosity from being exposed.
Now that the cat is dead, no one will know.

My eyes are eyes like yours,
My arms.
My face.
My blood.
All flesh and bones.
Just like everyone else.

But when you get to my heart,
You will see it houses a synthetic soul.

My mind nothing more than,
A cold-blooded machine,
Analyzing,
Organizing,
Expanding.

I bleed red,
As do you.
I feel the wind,
As do you.

But we're not alike,
My flesh is nothing more,
Than a cloak,
Covering my metallic being,
Caged in mortality.

Nearly fell
I heave blood

Dancing a dangerous tango,
Every step perfectly aligned,
A dance of give and take,
Both in want of one another.

Bodies close, but not too close,
Enough to create goosebumps,
And make fine hairs stand on end.

Like balancing a ball of fire in the heart,
Keeping it from rolling into one lung or the other.
Your eyes dance with mine,
Even more dangerous than our waltz.

We both know what we want,
But neither is giving an inch.
No quarter need be given,
If we mutually surrendered,
To love.

I don't regret the choice I made,
The decision forced on me, to go away.

I live today off another day-old danish.
Crystallized sugar sticks to my lips for a moment,
Then it falls away, bouncing off my lap to the ground.
Like it's representative of what happened to us,
We were stuck to each other, then hit the ground. Hard.

Our vibrant red love diminished to a dull charcoal. It boiled to a vapor and was eradicated by a gust of wind.
It's almost like I went to sleep holding you in my arms, and woke up with a new face, in a different house, a totally different person.

Yet, the puddle on the ground from the rainfall earlier holds my reflection, and I have the same face I had when I was with you.

I still can't really process
you left.
My best friend, through the
hard times and the good.
You just left.
Violated my trust and then left.
Blamed me and then left.
I put everything on us and
you just left.
I'm too scared to cry.
I'm too scared to breathe.
My mind is just in a fog
can't understand you.
Were you looking for an excuse
to leave?
Was I that bad of a friend to you?
Did you suffer the same hell
I went through for you?
Seven years, and the one time I desperately
needed you, you tell me to *******?
Do you not understand I would
do anything for you?
That you were one of the reasons
I didn't pull that trigger last night?
You leave,
block me,
don't respond,
just like that...
And that hurts me more
than my friend who killed herself,
or the second,
or the third...
the lover I lost,
all the rejections,
the family issues,
the PTSD,
all of it combined...
You never even asked
why I was suicidal last night.
What did I do to you
to think of me with such
little regard? To discard me?
We talked everyday.
I supported you through
every ****** boyfriend you had.
I did everything I could
to make sure you were okay
when your mom had the stroke.
I've written you hundreds
of heartfelt poems
(that you never would read
unless I sent them to you)
and you leave
when I cry out for help...

**Who have you become?
Because you're not the woman I knew.

So you've been dead a whole year now, mutt.
Not a day goes by I miss your adorable face.
But oh boy you had **** breath! Disgusting!
You were a great dog, even though you were a coward.
Oh, you had the snobbiest personality I've ever seen in a dog.

You had those terrible seizures two years ago that left you deaf... seven seizures in two hours. One of the scariest nights of my life.
But it's okay, the vet hooked you up on drugs. Phenobarbital!
Yeah, you got addicted real fast to that! Haha! It was so sad, but my twisted sense of humor saw the funny side of it. Every day at 11am and 11pm you would whine for your pill. Drove me nuts. But I still loved you...
And I miss you, bud.

if it was hidden
i was blind
but i see
everything clearly
from the second story balcony
and
did i feel what
i was meant to feel
and
close my eyes
to finally see

All I write are empty pages filled with words
Trying to let out demons I locked in
To convey that I'm not okay
I'm broken inside
Nothing helps
I'm alone
I'm dying
Drowning
Nothing helps
I can't stop the pain anymore
Peace is just the time between waves of pain
Everything that is good that steps into my life
Gets taken away from me
Pushed out the door
So I'm sorry
I'm sorry
For being alone
For dying
For drowning
In thoughts not my own
I'm broken
Please leave me alone
You don't want to see me like this
You don't
Please go
please...