November is full of change,
And I swear that on my own grave.
And soon after November passes,
I swear on my mothers ashes,
Nothing will be the same.

When all you want to do is create,
But all your creations are struck solid-
As if passed through by the gaze of Medusa.
Massive waves of destruction churn and rage,
As if tragedy was the true mother of Aviendha.

And October’s anxieties are much too real
In the face of November’s wounds to heal.
December’s arrival is both relief and restraint;
From grandmother wreaths and 4 year old birthday cakes.

20 came and went and so far I have not succumbed
To the throes of dear death’s mighty blows
And I guess the real test is surviving the age of 21.
And see the difference
between my parents,
To see the difference
between me and them.

November’s change is soon to arrive-
It will not carry me from the burden of being alive,
And sometimes I can’t tell if that plea is for something beyond immortality:
The kind of thing the mortal wouldn’t believe.

November’s change is hot on our tails
And I know, that if all else fails,
I have a love stronger than the
Intermittent call of death.
Meet me on the other side,
The in betweens and underneaths
Meet me in our last breath
And the glaze that covers our eyes.
Meet me where we can make every end meet.

I have known this fool from half way through high school,
And the best part about it is watching the fool replace himself
With the will of gods that only exist in myths,
And the strength of a thousand dead martyrs.
And it's gonna get harder man, it's gonna get a lot harder-
But the longer you remain,
your bones will begin to hold the secrets
On ******* your demons.
The longer you remain,
The endorphins will drift from your veins
And your soul will take their place.
In 2017, at this age,
What normal human being isn't coping with these societal traditions
By forcing their brain into addiction?
These are ancient laws of man, transcending modern knowledge.
Evolution made us capable of questioning our origin or divinity,
And some dare say that an imaginary man gave them this gift of sight;
Societal traditions to condition us into complacent perpetuation of the history that enslaves us.
Lately I haven't been able to hold one train of thought without
Going off the rails, but instead of crashing and burning,
I just travel at the speed of light around all the answers
that could be right.
Ultimately you inspired me to say
I am so proud that you are here today.
With my brothers wild spirit tamed by opiates,
He lingers on my bicep in memorial form
He lingers in the prayers I whisper to the dead,
As gods do not hear your prayers.
(they are too busy creating universes and
punishing their own creations
for acting out of free will)
My prayers are answered by people I know,
Whose physical forms met quietus.
They live on in otherworldly favors,
They live on in signs and vibes.
There is more to death than meets the eye.
Tangent after tangent,
I shall come to a close.
My brother was lost to needle and tar:
He passed away at the grocery store,
In the emptiness of his only car.
My friend, you are not lost
And you are still with us.
I'm so proud you now know the cost
Of instantaneous gratification offered by
The ****** drug.

It takes a lot to say nothing
I'm coming to find that my soul has been screaming my whole life
And I am just now able to translate its tongues
Into some sort of verbal *****
That a human could possibly understand
I have never felt like a true part of this socially structured civilization
I have never felt like a homosapien shaped by its surroundings, its perception
Instead I have felt like a source of energy that flows without molecular or even atomic ties to this universe
Confined to a physical form in a four dimensional realm
If you cleave away the ego, you can feel the infinite
I have so much more to say,
And I have struggled my whole life in finding things to say
That matter, that are relevant
And I've come to realize that my soul has been screaming my entire life
And I am finally able to translate the tongues
Into something meaningful to say.
You may not hear the divinity in the language I use
You may not feel the sincerity in my soliloquies
But I do, and my perception is what shapes my reality
And only I can save me, now
The selfishness in the selfless
And the hollowed out remains of the empath
I can't be the only one who hears this piercing noise?
And this sickness that runs through the planets veins?
The agonized cry of every species on the earth harmonized into the humming vibration some call the will of god
Our pain is ricocheting through the void we reside within
An echo chamber of screams
I do not believe in hell because it cannot get worse than this.
No, not this moment, you may have misunderstood
The progression of these moments will lead to an inevitable end
An end to end every beginning
I am not the only one who knows that the dead are just no longer physically present
I am not the only one who knows that humans are parasites
I am not the only one who can feel the agony of someone I have never come across
Simply because
Our souls all scream on a frequency
That only those who truly listen can hear.

Shake up your bones
And pluck your veins
In hopes for a rhythm,
or a melody.
The body is your medium
Between the mind of the soul
And the crushing reality
None of us can comprehend the same.
You can still find inspiration in rotting corpses-
Keep your tombstones to yourself.
The only things constant in life are change and death.
Invisible languages that only the mad can hear
Make them prophets in their own eyes,
And insane in ours.
My mother
Spoke to Lucifer.
She was dead before her body gave
Her eyes were shallow, empty
There is nothing
Like talking
To the soulless body
of someone
Who you gave you life.
I am haunted by the deceased.
They do not come in physical form,
They do not come in my dreams.
They do not come to bring me harm,
They do not come to bring me peace.
They come in spurts when my fingers
Set sail over the pages, or the screen,
They come into my words when I can't hear myself think.
I do not write for me anymore,
I write for ghosts.

The magic of the mentally ill
Is the ability they master, with time,
To continue on and thrive
With a hell built into their mind.
I sobbed so hard they thought I was laughing
And instead of screaming, I whisper, silent enough that only
The weak of mind can hear.
And there's something to be said for
The weaker than the average human
And how I have to say they're different from you-
in a negative tone-
Just so you'll comprehend the difference
Between us and you.
Truth is we are stronger than anyone
Will ever give us credit for
And in our solemn solitude
We find ourselves wishing for release
Through whatever could get us out the fastest
From this hell built into our minds.
Truth is we are never going to escape.
Instead we adapt, we tie the knots between hell and heaven
And we thrive
Despite the hell built into our minds.

I am starting to think I don't make mistakes
And rather, mistakes make me.
His favorite play is "Something rotten,"
His favorite woman is someone rotten,
Spoiled with the love she doesn't deserve.
Her hair ran past her back as a child,
But as time grew shorter and shorter,
So did her brown curly locks.
Her mother bestowed them upon her,
Among other things, she tried to cut short.
"Look at the moon," he says,
As he drives us home
I hope I'm your right hand woman
Like you are the wind beneath my wings.
I am always making mistakes,
They follow me around,
closer than my shadow-
From spilled beer to spilled guts
I wish sometimes I kept it to myself.
I am always making new passageways
Through the love you keep around,
Give me your miles, I take lightyears
And still you hold me at night without doubts that
July 20th, 2020
Will be the day my mistakes
Have all lead to a life of what love was made to be.

The numbness of old, once scabbed over scars
The ones where you went too deep,
Should've gotten stitches.
But instead you sent your hopes to the stars
For them alone to keep,
But they don't listen.
Medicine and serotonin
All that seems to matter in the grand scheme
Aggravation and empty promises
Let me not fall back into that bottomless ravine
They say when you wake up with a start
(Like you fell from a cliff and hit the ground,)
They say that's your soul, another part
Of you that died without a sound.
Our love is ravenous and consuming us alive
I hope in the end we make it out side by side
I grind my teeth and bite my tongue
Say not the ways my mind has come undone
For your safety I keep myself around
For our sanity we love each other unbound
Should you choose to turn around
And walk the other way;
My heart will beat its last for you.
First loves never really count-
But the last one, I hope it never fades,
The last one, I hope is you.

I'm just a girl who writes, then and there,
If you put a pen in front of her.
If you pulled the plug from her,
Unwind and fade away,
There she goes again.
Where's the new sentence?
Where's the new presence?
It never changes and I thought
all that was constant was change.
How many brain cells does it take
To change your mind?
Don't be scared of your fear anymore.
This time embrace the fact
That words can't always rhyme and
We don't always have enough time.
My mother was bohemian
She was more than the world could handle.
In 50 years it had torn her to shreds
She had me to be her medium.
And in this world, we all crumble,
From stardust we were built and to stardust
We shall return.
Use your soul for purity,
And let your ashes become anew.

The grass looks more green
After thinking about my dead brother.
I miss him more than usual today.
The wind feels more serene
After thinking about my dead mother.
I know she's better off today.

I am a hurricane of extremes
I love with all that I am capable of
And fear with all I know.
I trust humans with a knife to my back
But death is dishonest, death is the undertow.

I rubbed my mother's ashes on my forehead
Like the ashes from palm branches.
"Remember that you are dust,
And to dust you shall return."

Don't be afraid of the dark
Be afraid of what lies in your heart
Don't fear the monsters under your bed
Fear the monsters in your head
A child's rhymes
Have no sense of time
Until they run out of theirs
And they're taking their last breath of air
There is no softer lullaby
Than a father's goodbye
No sweeter song
Than a mother's bond
Until you die
We begin again
Unformatted, untitled
Until we come alive
We become again
Unknown, unbridled

There's a lot more to the world
Than what meets the eye
Physical intimacy laced with
Eradicating emotion
There's no time in the universe
In which peace can be acquired
The day the earth stands still
Is the day we know what comes next
In a memory flashing by your mind
Just sputtering through the motions
But suddenly you're caught in derealization
And you can hear her voice again
Clear as wedding bells
A young girl reading sermons
To a man passed out drunk, and the woman who made him that way
I was just 4 when I first tasted beer
And I vomited all over myself
I was just 8 when I first tasted liquor
And I don't remember much else
Chicken wings with candles
And the songs my mother used to sing to me
The way she'd crawl in bed with me
In times of drunken solitude
Ungrateful **** of a daughter
Who should've been aborted,
Well I tried, mama, I tried
Now that you're gone and you are nothing more than ashen memories
I look at you in your black box prison
With your name pasted to the front
And I tell you all the ways I have already died
I tell you all the ways I don't feel alive.
The way you screamed for help at the top of the stairs
And he's shoving he's pushing and you can't run
And I'm still here
And I'm still here fighting him away
He says he can't sleep in beds without you anymore
And coming home from 2nd grade
Police badges light up the front porch
And they're shoving you they're pushing and you can't run
And you're in handcuffs
And his arm is bleeding
the young man told me I was not alone
And falling apart on your floor
At a ripe 5 years old
And I'm crying I'm sobbing and you don't care
And I scream
And you don't love me anymore
The piano goes quiet
And after grandpa died
she took all his medicine
Muscle relaxers and pain killers and the daily *****
And anger
And she screamed at the walls she called god
For taking her children away
It was her all along
I do not hold grudges
But it took you dying for me to hold that promise
It took you dying for forgiveness
The family shuns me like how they did you
Black sheep we are
Your ashes lay on the table beside my bed
With fake vanilla candles that light up all kinds of colors
And I tell you all the ways I have already died
I tell you all the ways that I do not feel alive.

The color blue is all I know now
Your bruised irises leading to your
Tightly wound heart strings
There is music inside your laughter
There are artworks in your smile
I fall asleep on the softness of your lips
I forget trauma in the wake of euphoria
My angels' hymns are all about
Knowing you
Feeling you
I am so elated to have met you
The color blue is my favorite now
Your halo shines like a light through
Stormy dusk and evening tempests
There is no dawn like your "good morning"s
There are no ways to eclipse your "I love you"s
I lay my bones before you
I read the lines in between you and I
My poetry is the way I hold on to you at night
Dreams of you
asleep or awake
Are the best I have ever known

The winter solstice went as soon as it came
With startled stunned eyes it raced back to its corner
When you came into my life
And the sun hasn't stopped shining since.
There are sixty-five hundred ways one can say the same thing
And I'd happily say them all
Every language and every day
I would learn it all for you
History repeats itself in meaningful ways
But in the priceless moment of change
There is absolute harmony
You and I are two collisions in perspectives that
Mingle together like reeds in the sea
The once bitter taste of dawn has turned to
Sweet- reality is better now than I can dream
I want my atoms to know yours better than themselves
And in my words there will be no end
As infinity knows time I will know your pain
Soft as a ravens feather I will brush it away
With a smile solely for you

Life's a masterpiece with you in it
And I never had a lover more dear than death
But it seems I want you more than I ever did that darkness
That silence
But there is something to be said for
The tight grip of your arms and
The lines left on your back
Those lines are my best poetry.
I would like to make you ethereal in writing
The way my mother did my widowed step father
But softer, much softer this time around
She always said I was her replacement in the world
And I was to be the better side of her
A second chance at success, or so I thought
A second chance at love, is what I think she meant
Should the dreams of night grasp me again
Remember that I always prefer the reality of you

I remember hurricane Katrina
And how it ravaged your state, you wanted to wait it out
Sit on the roof and watch the flood water disintegrate all you knew
I wasn't there but I have implanted memories of you and your father
Smoking cigarettes on top of your house
Laughing about the rage of nature
I remember skipping school in elementary
We used to walk down the paths and go into the woods and douse ourselves in creek water
And there was nothing I knew better than your face at this time
You were my brother and my best friend
And I begrudgingly remember you strung out and treating me like ****
But I knew it wasn't you who was getting kicked out of my house
It was the ******, and whatever else it might've been
I never thought you'd die alone
With not much to say for-
Not much to live for, I guess
But I knew you lived for us, Sam and I
Because when mom went you knew we needed help
And you were the big brother, and we were your precious sisters
There's nothing poetic about the way you left us at young 34 years old
And I will never forgive black tar and needles
I hope the boat you depart on burns to nothing but your ashes
And the sea takes you to a place better than ****** ever could
I never thought I'd see the day your name made it to the papers
Maybe as a success, maybe as a life that was made out to be something beautiful
But instead, I've seen you in the obituaries
Justin Colter Stilling,
That name belongs to death now.
I wish I could see you off on your trip to the other side
But instead I'll be wasting away remembering you for what you were
And it makes me wonder, how and why
We all have to die

Everything I say bounces off the walls in your brain.
The drink made you insane-
I've seen it once, I see it again,
I prepare myself for another bitter end.
It's relentless, it's hopeless
The way you give in
It's just like how my mother made you
Bury yourself in sin.
It's my childhood all over again.
Everyone tells me I don't deserve this;
I didn't deserve any of it.
I'm not a *****,
But I'm *******,
Microwave your mind's eye
And I'll be busy rebuilding mine.
It's a level of a detachment
That mingles wth dissociation.
The creak of the wheel turning in your head-
It's falling off the track.
You are not my father
When you are drunk.

You find love in the bottom of a bottle
Or even, maybe a can.
Your love died from the same very thing
That you reach for so dearly.
I understand that cold hard grip of addiction
Of something that slips down your throat and into your blood-
But it's different with you.
I thought maybe my near death moment
Would've opened your eyes,
And I thought that maybe my words
Got inside your mind.
But instead you choose to die faster everyday
You choose to die for a buzz that lasts not even for a day.
And I'm not angry. I'm just sad.
I don't want to watch you die
And they say that's love, watching someone die,
But this disease killed my mother, your lover
I know she wouldn't want you to go the same.
And these words are futile, they are hopeless;
They do not rhyme.
They do not have melody,
They do not flow sweetly off the tongue.
But they are honest, they are sincere.
You are my father,
But not when you are drunk.
Boost Post

Damaged seeks damage
And misery loves company
I think that's why we're best friends,
We understand each other's melancholy.
I realized out of the blue
That I've never written anything for you
And that's just ridiculous, you know,
You're the best friend I've ever had
You're angry, and I'm sad
But deep down inside it's the same broken path
I destroy myself for the hell of it
And you watch with open arms,
You stick around.
Thank you for that.
It's three thousand miles of pure *******
But at the end of it all there is nothing more sincere
Than the way we can laugh with each other
After so many long years.
This is pretty messy, this is pretty dull
But I wanted to write something that hadn't been said yet
About something that hasn't grown old.
Our bond is irreplaceable,
Irrevocable.
Thank you for showing me unconditionality
And thank you for being around for refusing to forget.
See January 23rd, 2019
Is gonna either make or break me
I will fly my way across this torn land
I will stay by your side.
And when the clock strikes midnight,
January 24th, 2019
Will break it's way through the clouds to greet you.
A world without you would break my heart
Every day that came.
And in the time we spend apart
I learn the spaces between your name.
This one is yours, for you to keep
Please remember me, when you turn 23.
Boost Post

Cesspools of naked bodies and lust.
Emptiness ravages the home I call my soul,
And in the throes of love and despair
All is not lost, all turns to rust.
Over time, over distance, over loss of care
I lie alone, in the midst of forget-me-nots,
You have devoured me whole.
I am an ***** donor-
If you need my heart, you can have it.
My lungs have breathed for you since we met.
They are corroded with tar,
That beating muscle is broken, salvage it.
I hope you find someone who rises your suns once they have set.
And in the end I am left with
Digital memories and things I'd be better off to forget.
I can erase the pictures on my phone
But I cannot erase the once thriving forest,
With leaves of desire and soil of trust,
So alive- feelings of love, bereft.
You burned down the home
We built together, for what?
I forget things faster than they come to mind,
But you are the exception.
I would've walked through fire and razor blades and nooses and water just deep enough-
But you couldn't even explain why.
What with your unconscious deception,
We could've gotten higher and have it made and truces and wander deep in touch.
But you couldn't even fight.
We say our goodbyes and
I listen to the silence that follows.
I reach into the void for some sort of closure that you will not bring.
It ends in screeching cries and
The kind of pity that wallows.
I turn to dust and collapse to the shadows, the kind of song you can't sing.
Finish her and bury the evidence.
Throw her into the water, let the tide take her away.
She will rot and corrode with nature, become one with the sea.
Don't forget your medicine,
And make sure you tell them you love them and this time, stay.
I will see you in the future,
Where we are one and you are me.

give it a try
not your hardest
stained my skin and left all sorts of marks
rip it apart,
there is no truth
perspective leads to no singularity
perception leaving no place for reality
bleeding gums and a pity party of the ages
except instead of bottles and ashes its
pills and ****** fluids
now why i’m alone i don’t know
he had my heart, though
denial is an old arch nemesis;
my mother’s truest friend
she visits me in your absence
instead of facing an end
she tells me sweet stories at night
“he’s coming back, and never leaving again”
and then rage, rage, rage
whenever i can believe you’re gone for good
she tells me sweet lies at night
“i don’t love you anymore.”
sometimes i wish i stayed inside my mother
sometimes i wish you had let me die, that day.
now we’re left with this game we play,
this stalemate game we play with each other

Now I don't know the words to say to make it okay,
But listen.
It won't rhyme right, there will be no flow,
But these words come straight from my soul.
In your life there comes a darkness so deep;
A personal hell for you to keep,
They call it a dark paradise.
Now he's gone and there's no going back, no refund for death, and no returns for life.
I know you're sinking deeper and I know you're scared to breathe,
I know I'm selfish, and terribly hard to please.
But don't for a moment think I don't hear your screams, your pleas,
you begging him to come home.
I don't know what it's like,
But I know you're not alone.
He's waiting in the wings yet he stands beside you-
He watches you while you sleep,
why do you think he's always in your dreams?
And you are not weak, you are so strong,
Amanda, keep going,
I am no medium but I promise
that's what he's saying.
I don't mean to be defensive, I just don't understand
I don't understand your pain and I don't understand my own
Something's different and will never be the same
But I want you to know he's got you in his hands,
And your love is set in stone
You won't forget his face, the history, his name,
You won't forget a **** thing.
On your skin the hair will rise
At the thought of his touch.
And on your mind he will linger
Until the end of time.
It's too much, it's too soon,
it's tough luck, it's out of tune
Forgive death for taking him away,
Forgive yourself for not being okay.
Forgive me for not knowing what to say,
And forgive the world, for that fateful day.

You follow me into a dark room
Only to let go of my hand.
I wish my words were more vague,
Something no one could understand.
Blunt and to the point.
I heard you got new windows,
Same painted canvas with
A brand new frame
All the colors you can see-
We don't see the same.
Do you remember the way you
Held my face in photographs?
Or the clench of your hand around my neck?
Do you remember the throes of passion
That I guess were one sided-
See, I remember everything,
Every good memory is yours to keep.
But I'll forget them soon enough,
And remember how you broke me,
And the rest, well, that's history.
If I could word it better, you know I would
It's been over a year since I met you,
And I love you more than I should.
There's a thousand bridges burning down in my chest
Ashes and smoke, above and below
There is no hope for us now.
You can get rid of my things,
You can replace them;
You can wash me away,
Cleanse your body of me.
But you cannot erase history.

Sick of your apologizes
Because sorry cannot wash the blood off our hands
Here is our love's eulogy-
Here is the darkness in which I stand.

When your only passion has been cut short
When all you had to live for is twisting around into a world
Where everything has gone wrong
And no poem, rhyme or song
Can put it back in place.
See, I had dreams of keeping lives safe,
But now I don't know the right I hold
To do so, to be so bold,
I am not sure if I will make it out okay.

I've regressed back into that void where empty promises are sunlight and lust is the closest I can experience to trust
And I don't remember a lot of things, I don't remember what it's like when I'm on the verge
All I know is it's all I have to avoid
I don't understand why I have to live off of artificial serotonin and coping methods
And I don't understand why I have to live at all, sometimes,
Sometimes I think you were the best thing to happen to me but the worst thing I've ever had to lose.

I know it all, I've heard it all before
All these reasons why I'm here
All these people who care
It all becomes make believe in the face of my hell,
My own personal hell crafted by my mothers broken teeth and my fathers swollen feet
I like to think I ****** up for a reason.

I've burnt the 3,000 mile long bridge
Constructed between two points; known as me and you.
I liked to call it love, but the flames engulfed all of that hope, too

I'm not going to apologize,
Because sorry cannot wash the blood off our hands

Memories to make or break you,
And dreams to show the truth.
Neither will save you,
But rather, remind you of what you had
Before you threw it all away.
20 pills down the hatch
Couldn't make the world a better place.

I see you in my sleep,
I feel you in everything I see.
Everything I loved, was everything I lost-
I swear I used to be so free.

My words are recycled from times of agony,
Just rearranged to fill the space you took when you walked away.
Now I don't see how I was preparing to tell you
That I would spend the rest of my life
Waiting for you to love me.

All of me was lost in you,
And my identity is fractured- no,
Shattered.
I don't understand how it was so easy for you to choose
To leave me for good;
I must have never mattered
To you.

I've been meaning to write something like this for a while
But the time hadn't come like it just has
Where words and a desire for death mesh
Into something that someone might be able to relate to,
I don't know, maybe not, but in all actuality
I'm here just to find a way to let this out without
Ending it all in that way that's always called selfish-
You may call this a suicide note, or maybe a testament to living

When my light dims to darkness
But right before you forget all about me,
I hope that you sing about me.

Embers to light the way, nothing less nothing more
Everyone gives up, everyone gets tired of you eventually
They say all you can count on is yourself,
But what about when it's yourself that's trying to **** you?

When my light dims to darkness
But right before you forget all about me,
I hope that you sing about me.

When the time comes I don't know where I'll be
Who I'll be
What I'll be
But all I know is that no one will take me
Unless it's my hand.

Recovery must be a fallacy;
Because right when I taste it's sweet release
I find myself alone, backtracking

When my light dims to darkness
But right before you forget all about me,
I hope that you sing about me.

Dear first love,
Memories and dreams are all I can know you from now.
Years ago, when we were in the same space and time
You visited my slumber a few moments ago,
It gave me a few things to say.

Dear first love,
How dare you encounter me
Beside my lover, in bed, asleep?
And how dare you be so far away
In reality?
Have you forgotten me?
What was I to you?
Something short of nothing?

Dear first love,
I know I sound bitter, angry
But those feelings are put to rest
They say you never forget your first love,
And you don't stop loving them either.
What went through your mind when you saw me
Say your name in the throes of passion
Was it love? Was it all made up in my head?

Dear first love,
I would be lying to say it doesn't hurt
To see you've moved on.
It's been four years now
Since we parted
But something still pains in my chest
When I hear your name, or see your face

Dear first love,
I am sorry.
It's safe to say I trapped you
Between my love and my pain
I hope that you are falling more in love
Every single day.
I hope that your hip has lost the chronic pain,
I used to massage it away.
I hope that when I cross your mind
There is no bitter end,
And although we'll never see each other again
I will never forget you, and neither could my pen.

I see you
With your distant eyes and lazy stare
I follow you
Through demise and through despair
Though we know not of it yet
There will come a time where our sun is set

And when it comes I will be here
Waiting for you endlessly, without fear
Something you carry deep within;
It won't let you love again.

So I know our differences are laid aside
For our familiarity is something hard to find.
As the sun rises high, only to set in time
I wait for you endlessly, without reason, or rhyme.

Drone strikes to take out the innocent
I am not sad.
Starvation, dehydration, all in one sweep
I am not sad.
**** and pillage and ******, cognitive dissonance
I am not sad.
Oppression, degradation, all in one week
I am not sad.

Heading at warp speed
To a recovery, to healing
I am not sad.
The past and the future
Lovers and abusers
I am not sad.

Honorable, slow suicides
I am not sad.
Parents who never cared
I am not sad.
The scars on your wrists and your mind
I am not sad.
The children who never learned to share
I am not sad.

It comes slipping through the cracks
You forgot to seal
I am not sad.
Don't look back
At the devil's deal
I am not sad.

I guess blood ain't thicker than water
The way he held a gun to his head and said;
"If you don't **** me then I'm better off dead"
Now tell me it wasn't manipulation, and how was I not to falter
In saving myself from a man who already had caused me traumatizing trivialization

I guess blood ain't thicker than water
The way I held a gun to my head and you said;
"It's all for attention,"
I guess you thought me better to be dead.
But I tried to speak out, I tried to reach out instead
Only for you to slaughter
All hope I had sent.

I guess blood ain't thicker than water
Because people don't believe in saving grace.
Deliver me into my fate,
If I'm gone there will be no hate.
Maybe you'll see after Thanatos takes over-
A death drive to send me to a new place.
Tell the victim they're a liar,
Might as well say there's no such thing as ****.

I guess blood ain't thicker than water.
A father gives up his daughter,
A mother faded away.
A brother whose got nothing to say,
A sister whose forgotten her place.
I guess blood ain't thicker than water,
Because I'll be drowning,
blood covering the counter.

Now settle down and listen
Not to the voices in your ear
The mind is a confounded prison
But there is more to life than fear

Words might not seem to flow like they used to
And people you love may turn into gargoyles haunting you at night
But it's not them you have to fight.
It's the mind that has chosen to attack you.

My words are shuttered sentences on what it's like to hurt
But yours are futile and terrified-
man, I'm just hoping we'll make it out alive.
What I'm trying to say is it is all in your mind
Reality is fluid, more than one can be right

Remember a time before the fear
Remember me, remember her

I'm not here to hurt you, I'm here to make sure you're okay
I don't understand as much as I want to-
I don't always know what to say.

The fractured mind is the darkest time
I think we will ever know.
But you are not alone.

Adam's eve, the night before his day
A friend I've been, a friend to keep,
I will always be here to fight by your side, come whatever may.

Behind this porcelain skin you'll see
Oceans of pain, begging for release.
Behind these brown eyes you'll see
Hurt, from a million times I've tried to forget.

Behind the tattoos you'll see
A soul, just waiting for proof of identity.
Behind the blue hair you'll see
Me, no longer trying to fit in.

Beneath the blankets of agony and sheets of rage
There is a calm before the storm,
A place where forgiveness is found,
A little girl waiting for her mother to come back home.

Under all of this, there is peace.

I'm blown away by the serendipity of life and death.
You know when you get some ink on your skin
In memoriam of someone whose last breath
Was taken by the reaper; your barriers got broken-
Where am I going with this again?

I'm amazed by how the light circles the dark in intricate patterns
Like the way our eyes capture spectrums,
That the rest of the world can't even fathom.
I'm trying to express the way the universe comes together,
In alignment to where it's supposed to be.
Before chaos ensues and the ends fray and we lose grasp of the tethers
Holding us together.

Here I am in a foreign place
I once knew as home
I've found that roads and places fade away after years and space
From existence, from memory,
Leaves behind an empty tomb

I had dreams last night of lizards,
Birds landing on my fingers.
I leaned that once you know sadness,
It comes at your beckon, your call,
Never too far away from madness.

Slow suicides and honorable lives
Friends from years passed and lovers who turned away
I have found peace buried within
I have found the rest to be not worth the time of day.

In another life and time,
Where you are not gone and I was never trying to be
The sweetest angel on my mind
I hear you in the forest's songs-
The whispers of the wind's serenities

The darkest cloud you've seen
Since the hurricane of sixteen
Lingers far over the horizon
And the sky darkens
The mind goes blank
All the polite smile and nods you've always faked

Murmurs of lovers
******* SCREAMING IN YOUR EAR
three thousand miles spread across my heart
Space and time is something I've learned
To never fear
I guess sometimes people need time apart

Please mind the gap
Between my mind and soul
Between space and time
Between light and dark.

I've gotten so fat
So tired and old-
Draw the line
Between alright and all hurt

The blood always runs red
Skin color makes no difference;
Why do you feel no regret
When your bullet sets the sentence?

I can't feel their grief,
I can't taste the fear,
But watching this repeat-
No ******* relief-
I can hear this endless ringing
Deep in my ears.

How can you not?
At least 136 souls dispersed
Among the dark beyond;
Their light turned off
Forever.

But even after, you turn both eyes blind
Unless you're looking for reasons
For how it was their fault they died.
Now is the season for revolution-
Not homicide.

wuthering anatomy lay bare to an inquiring eye
morose, i have a sympathetic chord
unstable, barely perceptible fissure,
lost in sullen waters.
conduct me, in silence, through many dark and intricate passages in my progress.
somber, ebon blackness.
a tattered atmosphere of sorrow
pervaded all
cadaverous and pallid
unusual moral energy, not easily forgotten.
silken incoherence reminisces from a hollow self.
a family evil, a nervous affection
tortured by the grim phantasm, FEAR.
mental condition conveyed in terms too shadowy here to be restated
a bitterness which i can never forget
a settled apathy
a gradual wasting away of the person
alleviated the melancholy, as if in a dream.
the recesses of spirit
poured fourth upon all objects of the universe.

I understand you more
The farther the miles stretch
And I feel for
All those lost files you sent
In the hopes of making something new
When in reality, all you had to make
Was you.

See I watch leaves fall from trees that just came back to life
And it reminds me of the way we
Ramble on endlessly, to avoid the call of the knife
Asking you to break the skin
You almost came to love again.

I got these new pills and I been drinking too much
Don't know if I'm ill enough to need this heavy of a crutch
This is the first I've wrote since you left
Trying to sift through the memories and regrets

I'll write about you, cause you were my muse
I don't love you, cause you lit the fuse
I love you, for the person you are today
Not in love with you, but I love you, okay?

All this time on my hands. Can't give what the truth demands; your fingers fell through mine like grains of sand, my heart breaks when you command. Ashamed to say it but you're still in my dreams every night, it's the same today as it was when I scream "I'm alright". Never loud enough for anyone to hear, I've succumbed to the numbness, my dear.
I never got to sing you to sleep or give my soul fully to you to keep. These waters I tread are cruel and deep, I wish for a world where our ends meet. My angel, my queen, everything in between; I was faithful, I believed, you were the truest relief.

I heard you speak in Greek just now
To a man who's barely alive
He was too unconscious to hear you in this world
But your words will forever echo 
In his heart. 
I need to find a way to look at you
Without falling in love all over again. 
And when I hear your voice 
It's like the call of angels from heaven,
I don't even believe in heaven. 
Was the light of your life for a few weeks there
Now I'm more like
The guiding light
To your darkened eyes
I don't know man, sometimes it just feels like
Something beautiful could've happened, and we just 
Couldn't seem to fight
For all we saw in each other, all that life
I really would have had you not
Shown me it was all for naught
Now I'm laying in lukewarm water
The soggy ends of my hair
Drinking wine someone else bought
But nothing feels as right as you,
Nothing felt as true. 
Sorry, sorry I won't shut up
I know this hurts, but please don't cry,
The happiest thing I know
Is that you're alive
And when my breath stops
When I breathe my final sigh
Years from now, a couple hundred stones down the road;
You'll still linger in my breath
You haven't been breathing well, my darling,
Because I kept some of your air for myself
To taste in the times I feel most alone
To remember your hands, and eyes, and oh god
I can't stop. 
You were meant to be in my arms and I haven't known it so strong
In so long
Once a miracle happened
when I knew he could be mine
Turns out things fell right in line
Even if I was a fallback; the second time. 
I think life works in synchronous ways
And I've seen it far too often in us, these days. 
All of me was a song we both knew,
And we both tore ourselves apart in the tub, same time, and just with you
I'm so sorry I broke apart
And quite literally terrified your heart
Into being so scared of me you can hardly look in my eyes,
But believe me when I say, this connection is one of a kind. 
I carved your name In my skin not to be spiteful,
Rather to remember you, forever, even when our ships set sail
I took your soul by the handfuls
And showed them to you with no avail 
I wish I could give you my eyes
To see the angel I can't seem to ever deny. 
Please hold out for me, when the tides get rough
The current may pull, but I am always here
To keep you afloat. 
I know in the deep end, it always gets tough,
Nightmares and daylight fears;
But I won't let you go. 
No, I won't give up on you
Until the day you no longer want me to stay. 
I won't even doubt you
When you say everything will be okay. 
Because I'll believe you, till the day I die,
When you talk, I'll listen,
You're the only truth I won't deny.

I'm sorry my words are all the same
All trains and the insane and
Unrequited love
I heard the howl of a locomotive just now
And I swear it was howling for me

The faces and things you'll never forget
I can't help but feel I'm next
To be added to the crowd of ex lovers
You'll try so hard not to remember
While I'm fighting to keep your face and hands
Locked inside my mind
It's for nothing

The sun is shining so bright
I can hardly keep my eyes open
And it's so warm
I can hardly feel the cold in my bones

I found a new paradise
In Fredericksburg, Virginia.
No oceans, no throw of the dice
A constant place with the same people
I've come to love so deeply

i've found my own succubus
******* the life from me word by word,
dollar by dollar,
tear by tear

they sold my mom's house
as i signed the consent form
i felt like i was selling my childhood
for something like 16,000

bold figures, i'll have all i need
enough to make any dream closer to reality
except for you

no no not that again
this isn't poetry,
these are streams of consciousness
spilling from my finger tips and eye lids

i think they got the wording wrong,
when they said
"absence makes the heart fonder"
i think they meant to say
"absence makes the heart somber."

i would do anything to have you back under my skin
i gotta stop thinking about you, man.

I can't keep writing about the same things
Like a broken record played over and over again
Just so the lonely can hear something sing
It's all her emerald eyes and silent goodbyes
And all the times I've lost my mind
A memory lasts a lifetime,
As long as you have the evidence that that time
Truly existed
Maybe we missed it,
The last train to our future together
Maybe the timetables were wrong and
We were too busy watching our scars heal to
Make it to the station on time. 
I've torn apart so many books and
Burnt so much fabric
In the hopes of forgetting people who
Discarded me entirely
And I will never see that word the same again,
Because when you've become inconvenient,
You will be dispensed, replaced, 
Discarded.

ultimatums to make a woman mad
choose between nothing, and half of what you had
there's nothing harder than unrequited love
sends you screaming and howling for the angels above

and it gets easier, the longer time fades
it gets harder every time you turn a new page
and when it's over, when they no longer want you by their side
all you have is your breath, and the dull ache in your mind

you're waiting for a response
while i'm trying to read between the lines of your songs
to see if maybe there's a way
to get you to come back, and stay.

ice falls from the clouds
and all i can hear is the sound
of it falling to the ground
ticking like a clock, so ******* loud.

this is an ultimatum,
i remember the train station
your hands, their creations
i recite you word by word, verbatim

Angels come and go,
But at least they came,
Right?
I feel as though my soul melted with the snow
But you'll remember my name,
Right?

I am nothing
Not even a ghost
I am consciousness floating
In a pool of nothing
No form, no host,
Existing on no plane of time
Prey to all of a lost-lovers lies

The smoke isn't enough anymore,
Air turns to liquid
In the heat and pressure.
So instead, I do not sip it,
I swallow it whole
I suppose this is it, you have played your role.

The night calls me to dream
And my dreams call me to you
But nothing was as it seemed
Turns out I had the whole world to lose.

I tried everything and I blew you away
Like dust in the wind, like leaves decay
Your beautiful eyes and night terrors
I would wake up at the wrong times, in human error

Here is death and here is life
Intersecting points on an endless line
Men or mice,
I feel for them the same, all alike

The dead part of me begs for wholeness
And the life in me begs for you
Give into eternal rest
Or give the world it's dues
A world worth staying for
But you've lost all your worth
I'm waiting for you, can't you see?
You're the only thing I need.

I didn't mean to hurt you, no, man it's over
Over
Make a wish on a four leaf clover
She don't answer when I call her

I'm dead to you, so why not be dead to the world
If it takes my own death to see someone care enough to fight
My life unfurled
At the sight of your light

I keep hearing trains, but there's no station around
Is it possible for the mind to fabricate the 1 sound
Of what you need to hear?
Could it then, possibly, bring you nearer?

They told me not to look back
But how can you not with a past like that?
It took 2 months to find a connection
Generating such adoration and passion.

So I've been smoking up a storm
In my man made heaven, in some form
I think I exerted myself a little too much
Spent over 3 hundred dollars on you, but i used you as a crutch

So back to standing as singular as ever
Metaphors and words that appear to be clever
Well I won't forget you my dear, never,
Just wish those times with you could last forever

what can i say
the bitter cold has a way
of etching words of sorrow
into your bone marrow

i liked the way you breathe
always so gentle
even when your heart is lashing out at me
i thought i had it handled
the way i fall in love completely
or not at all
you wouldn't even meet me
at the train station, so i walked

everyone says i should be angry
but no, i am just so sad
loss holds a heavy weight upon me
not enough to anger me, just enough to drive me mad

what more can i say,
when you have a way
of feeling your thoughts so deep
never having time for anyone else to keep.

here's to a lover that doesn't want me here
here's to a lover that wants me gone
here's to you, an angel disguised as man
here's to the bleeding broken heart thumping away in my chest

here's to all the liquor my body wouldn't stomach
here's to the blood, the marks i left along my skin
here's to the fear, the crippling terror of being trapped in your own head
here's to the selfish ******* said you loved.

here's to the nights we spent in bed
and the days we lingered under sheets
here's to the kisses we shared
that didnt mean **** to you

here's to the love i thought we had
pulsing and beating through one heart
thought it was mirrored, reflected inside your own,
what a silly mistake to make.

knives behind my eyes and
blood dripping from my skin
here comes the feeling we
thought we had forgotten

the wolves are watching me with
hungry, angry eyes
from the darkness in my mind
they linger quietly, waiting to strike

i got blood on your sheets,
i got a ransom on my neck
nooses and blades all sing
for me to utilize them

piano keys light the way home
trains are screaming from a mile away
80 miles aint too far to go
from a home where i should've just stayed

i have your name on the cuts on my arm and legs
i stopped with the ravaged skin on the newly tattooed wrist
here we are, us lowly dregs
i still can remember the first time we kissed,
like it was yesterday

our bones crack at the same pitch
we would know all about that,
the way we make music
together, beside each other, side by side
soaking our skins in a tub full of lukewarm water
you started crying on my shoulder
and you said the words i knew would come again, again
i could feel it rising on your tongue,
with the fall of your lungs
you breathed out the words with no remorse,
"i don't want to hurt you," you said
well you did,
purely,
wholly,
totally,
destroyed