all these paths lead to the same place
all these empty gazes lead to the same thoughts
and when i'm fighting for you,
you'll be laying back, watching with green eyes
i've been trying to be everything you need and more
and i'm feeling so ******* empty and hollowed out to the core
because no matter how much i give, i will never receive half the worth

my fingers race along the keys without second thoughts
but empty words that don't mean **** to either of us
i can't make art the way i used to, no
art made me me this way
so hard to let go

i used to spend days on end just writing words
for someone to read and cry over
but no one would or could,
they're emptier than my soul left alone

but they were all i had,
a thousand billion words i had already said in my head
a million trillion times prior to
the page unfurling to the pen

i'm sick of these one sided games
where i'm always left out from myself,
watching two lovers caress each other
from the outside in
but did they feel a thing at all?

your tiny frame is a kingdom, no
a world of oceans and lands
ravaged by the course of nature,
the blight of humans
you are the earth.

your green eyes are the sea, wait
more like the galaxies up above
infinite in their creation
unsearchable by any kind of
ego-restrained machination

your fragile bones are structures, but
statues made in honor of something so profound
you've been thinking so hard to find
it is inside not the bone marrow that sticks around,
rather the fleeting memories you ignore in your mind

your soul is a flame, not even
it is the big bang
that brings us all to life
in your honor, all the angels have sang
I am so honored to have the privilege to call you mine.

hands, remember her hands
running along your skin
touching your face, loving you all she can
i can't believe i've come to love again

my love for you is like
the way the universe expands
infinitely growing, endless and out of sight
i just remember your hands

i hear the sound of your creations
flowing through my ears
and i cant help but smile with elation
truly the most beautiful music i've come to hear

i want to visit all the places that
broke you right in half
and i'll replace all the memories you have
that make you so ******* sad

i'm gonna make you love your smile
the sunshine of my life
i'm gonna stick around for a while,
for you, i put down the knife.

razor blades and candle wax
how its made and what it lacks
a night to remember, a day to live forever
i will never forget you, not ever.

my most prominent childhood memory
is when i stood barefoot in the snow
screaming for my mommy.
it was hard to see her go.

i understand now why my father
drinks beer day in and out
because i know the feeling to want something nearer
or close to your mouth.

i was ***** by the same person
who molested me when i was four
i was just sixteen, wasnt even over the first one
same year mommy died, i turned into a *****.

i was in love with a hurricane
and it ate me alive
no use for Novocaine,
i could hardly survive.

last hospitalization
the sixth time i spent a week
with intravenous medication
for my soul to keep.

the first song i wrote was
about my step father
as he tried to push mommy down the stairs because
she was drunk, and such a bother

i spent a week at my now passed grandparents' home
with barbies, cookies, not one school day
as young as i was, as little that i had known
my life was not okay

i have been used about 36 times
in different ways, but on different days
and it makes me feel guilty sometimes
i could have coped in better ways

i reach for you like nothing before
no where near the bottle, the blade
i dont want you like the smoke, the noose i almost wore
it came apart, like we did, and so i hoped and prayed

this prose is ugly to the core
my angel would hear me sing
until she started to snore

it's harder, now, to let the thoughts flow
now that i've learned to let the bad parts go
and where the pen meets the page,
it seems that i've finally broken out of the cage
that held me hostage for so long,
another day, another song.

the ocean doesn't call out to me anymore,
to take me away to the void
and maybe I've become this sorry *****,
but almost all those demons, i have destroyed
they lingered in my core
waiting to take over

And they did, for the time being
a past so infinitely profound,
i feel like a blind man, for the first time, truly seeing
all the light around
i am lonely but i am whole,
no longer an empty shell, no longer sorry and cold

no apologies for the people i let down,
because they never would stick around
even after they visit me in a hospital room,
after my impenetrable doom.
the sadness was so engulfing,
and the wounds would not stop pulsing
to remind me of all the souls lying
in the ground, in urns
they were all trying
but can never return
they are angels now
they are found in the clouds,
the sea, the trees
they are living on in you and me.

we all fight different battles,
but in the end we bleed the same.
i remember the love i found back in seattle,
and i'll never forget his name.

First one, should have been the last
but now our love is left in the past
a future that holds a new reality
to keep you in the present, with complete totality.
my lips are cold
my heart is full
of longing for what once was,
but excitement for what will be.

no hurry, no rush,
the words will one day break free.

take a deep one
before you try again
smile to yourself as you
break the walls that have a clue
as to why you have no more muse

now have some fun
as you meet your heaven
and remember all you can do
when even your lungs have failed you
fight what the tide of life ensues

only you need to hold your hair back,
when you spew up all the words you never could say
and don't you depend on anyone whose soul fades to black
when you talk about the things you went through the other day

you just dont want to, simple as that
when you pretend that maybe you may
forget her and all of that past
the pursuit of love is senseless at this age

maybe honesty isn't always best
when the heart could break into such a mess
it always takes so long to clean
refresh, make yourself free
better than you were before the greed

sometimes i think it's better to forget
and pretend they did exist, you never met
say they weren't a major piece
of your life, your internal peace
straighten out that crease
he left inside you.

monday means
manically searching for something to occupy your mind
and it seems
you just can't seem to leave the past behind

tuesday is
tar and treason; poisoning your own body
and you can't forget what your father always says
don't give that heart to just anybody

wednesday holds
weddings and warzones; love gone faulty
just wait till the air gets cold,
and you'll sense the presence of all that is rotting

thursday brings
thirst for that which the deceitful showed you
and all those broken things
from which you had to choose

friday proclaims
freedom from that which you lost
no longer insane,
you now know the cost

saturday comes with
sadness and pain; thunder and rain
his love, a playful myth
his lust, that which you overcame.

sunday you are here
and no one else stands close enough
to sense your fear
no demons below, no angels above
but your head is clear
you are one with us all, you are whole and full
a week passed, a month went
years were lost, what was possible
has met it's end.

i don't watch the news,
i don't read the paper.
i am blissfully ignorant
of this world's demons and ghosts

i don't have much to lose
but i prefer to inhale the vapor
this is not innocence,
but make-believe, at most.

i don't want to know about your bombs and blood
i don't care about the airplanes crashing from above
viruses to wipe out millions,
your country's soldiers killing impeccant civilians.

there is too much love in my heart
for me to know this world
in truth, honesty, clarity,
it would simply tear me apart.
this empty chaos has unfurled
could we not be human without the austerity?

so keep it to yourself,
what you heard on the television today
i'd rather not be aware of this hell
we, ourselves, have made.

the sun came back today
but i'm still the same
i am rivers immutable,
my currents running south
for eons, no end

and the reeds thrive in my waters
and i feed into the sea
deep in my fluids you will not rot
for you are just as pure as me

you will never forget
the way i tugged at your feet
and how you sunk so deep into my sands
and no, i wont let
you feel this incomplete
reach for me, take my hands
i will never let you drown

the ocean ***** away at me
until i run dry
these waters don't flow alone
mixed with the creatures of the sea
my ingenue lost in the riptide
this disaster is my new home

so when you return to my banks
you will see nothing but the remains
of lilly-pads, withered reeds, the decomposing of leaves
but you still will never forget me

I'll try for myself, and this self only
For this one is dedicated solely to me.
With auburn hair ******* in a bun,
This angel knows not the sight of a gun
She once chewed the barrel, she was barely the age of three,
The taste of the metal and scratches on her teeth.
Overcast sky and the smell of rain
She has fled from the souls that drive her insane
With warm down blankets, she now sleeps alone
But she misses those lovers, she had barely known.
They used her and played her without a clue
Not a **** idea of all the good she could do
Because in a boy's eyes she is merely an object
But it's about time I get off this subject.

Belief in temptation, responsible fees
She had a subtle inclination that he would fall to his knees
Upon the sight of her, so full and so proud
A blessing to this world and the universe abound.
She listens with patience and unconditional care
She only picks flowers to put them in her hair.
She is delicately different, in all the right ways
But no one can see her in the light of day.
As it shows her true colors, all kindness and love
And these children in this town know nothing of the above.
You cannot see colors in the spectrum of light
Until you've lost it all, in the dead of the night.

read between the sloppy lines
of drunk texts and high poems
scrawled upon pages of telephone books
in black bold letters, black slippery ink

i remember the days when you were mine
loved the ***, loved the roses
all your side-long glances and pretty looks
but without you i have gotten better,
in deaths quick sands i no longer sink

i miss you, honey,
but we'll never love again
when pages turn and our story ends,
read between the lines of my drunk texts,
and you will find me.

fireflies only come out at night,
or maybe we just can't see their gleams of light
in the daytime

this was a lonely day
where my step father took me back to the western shore
to be alone again
companionship is not easy to come by these days,
buried in life's sad and sorry sands
regardless of all that has been good
there has always been the subtle reek of the bad

i don't know jesus,
but i hear he's a great guy
i don't know you,
but i know you're the only real answer, the only reasons why

and we pollute the rivers with reckless abandon,
and we let our children drown in it's poison
and when the sky opens up, there will be nothing left,
nothing but you, and him, and the lives that you have touched.

red lip stick stains on
yellow pages, phone books and
cigarette tubes

he comes upon me like the way that
storms come upon this town
eventually, and all at once

where the rain kisses
our skin to sleep
and the thunder turns on its lights
to wake us up again

parasites that **** at your blood
come flying at you in the winds
the clouds cloak the sun,
she bows,
goodbye

make way for the summer rain
where the air finally cools
and the storms roll through

i'm your little play machine
dress down for you, all lace and skin
i might be the finest one you've seen
but there's no way i'll forget,
i don't mean **** to him.

i'm your little dress up dolly,
put on a show for you, all love and truth
3 am, you call me
just to say, just to say,
i don't mean **** to you

apologies make me sicker than betrayal
i'd rather you rub your burning coals into my skin
then pretend you care again.
my ships sail stable,
with or without you.

you said "i hope you don't disappear"
well i'll be sure to keep myself no where near
you and your deceit
and believe me, you'll never play me again,
for the first time was quite the feat.

hawaiian flowers light my eyes up in that way that men used to
instead of breaking me apart the way that dead leaves crunch beneath heavy boots
i've never been met halfway in the sense of love
as i am always chasing, giving, unfolding, while they are
closing, solidifying, lying

so i too became rocks, but i glittered in the sun light
i was a ruby, red as dripping blood,
but oh so blue, like that fluid, still in your veins
i greeted the selfish with open arms and legs
and let them enter me with hardly a fight
not saying i should've,
never said i was a saint

soon enough i opened another eye
and looked at someone with more than just my mind
he turned away before i could show him
a world he had never known.

and here i am,
alone again
waiting, playing
bored and aroused
internally screaming
for someone to save me.

you closed the door without even looking in
you were too scarred to even begin
and when i wait for you, you never come
because you're far too busy searching for the meaning of life's conundrums.

and you don't see what i am
but i see who you are
i've been traveling, from land to land
but even here at home, you couldn't get much farther

i'm pretending i don't care but trust me baby
you broke my heart in the matter of two weeks
i don't care if you regret it, love
i'm alone again, it seems

so build your house of wax and leaves
i'll be the sparrow hiding in your trees
remembering a simple kiss
ah, it don't mean ****.
it don't mean ****.

i got so attached so fast
looked back on the plane and saw our past
shoulda' known it was too good to last.

i needed a new muse
you needed someone to use
i wanted something brand new
you wanted something, but you never knew.

so i wont knock upon your door anymore
i wont stand at your steps, awaiting
because i don't know what i'm waiting for
just knew i was ready for creating.

refusal of ignorance beholds the vigor of the human condition;
it is in this repertoire between our minds that this ligature becomes real
we stumble over ourselves in our entreatment towards each other
dearth becomes so substantial that our hearts coil in trepidation
and for the shattered souls, we close the seal
so hold your fathers, and kiss your mothers
for they have bestowed upon you the purest of endowments.

be grateful for that which you can comprehend
for the imbecilic nature of the beast
that we all contest to extinguish
only the sagacity of our spirits can transcend
or tame, acclimatize, at least
and this is how we must distinguish

the idiosyncrasy from allurements
i can feel your pulse beneath my feet
from miles and miles away
i want you to be my heaven-sent,
i want you to be my king.
in your bold winds i will sway.

and for your adoration i will beg
until i am shackles on your legs and
ropes to your wrists
cold as sand in the nights of winter,
i want you to be my man,
where we can find our own portals in the depths of mists
you can call me your angel, your sinner.

i am taciturn in my consciousness,
yet so avidly alive
what are we good for?
you are whole in your somnolence,
yet so passionately sublime
when will i be yours?

you don't know how long i've been waiting for

someone like you to come along

you see darling, i just wanna be adored,

let me be your baby, you'll be the muse to every song



every time your words seem to have a subtle tone

of resignation, a nervous glow

i cannot help to think that it is my flaws

laid out beside yours, they seem to weigh so much heavier

so i hope and i pray

to some gods and a enigmatic fate

your feet seem planted on the ground, so much steadier



i can begin to feel you knotting up my heart strings

that tension in my chest growing deeper

but how you do it, and how it sings,

because it already knows that this one's a keeper.



you saw my physical form cloaked in no silhouette
and i showed it to you with no sign of regret

we shared a non menthol cigarette

i could make your heart race, your skin sweat.



i could listen as you rant

philosophically, nonsensically

i could tell all those boys that you're my man,

i could live my life so unselfishly.



would you like it when i'd run my fingers through your hair?

or keep you sane when the world just doesn't seem to care?

tell me darling, are you still there?

or am i just talking to the humid still air?

I was the strike to make your flames ignite
And your skin could be marble in it's magnifence
You were the first to come to sight
And from then on I was lost in your potence.

The rain has come for us and the thunder made it's way home
Birds will sing with us,
Chiming with a gracious tone,
They got their fix, they lost their loneliness

Companionship in the summertime
Is as sure as the shadow before the substance.
I pieced together the little things marked as signs
You can lay back in the overhang while I lose myself to the warm rain and dance

You can watch me with a gleam in your eye
But I'll never know the thoughts that soar through that mysterious mind
And I'll drench you in love and adoration
When the morning comes, I'll be beside you, holding on to blossomed conversation.

your eyes are a mirror to mine
a simple spell of love or lust
we will know the difference in time
we can share the pillows and keep the door shut
we can bathe each other and maybe fall in love

the breeze comes to cool you when you get too warm
let me be your wind
to carry you gently, embracing your full form
you look right through my faults and sins

you are tender and intoxicating,
alive and thriving,
in your own world, that you'd love to share
i'm hoping that maybe you'll be the one to care
about all my dreams and inquisitions
for more than a body and ****** positions

i'll tell you my secrets and all the fleeting stories
you'll listen with brown eyes closed
while we lay together in your bed under crisp sheets
the summer air is humid and greeted us as we rose

smoke in our lungs and beer down our throats
this is the place that i love the most
here with you, sincere and true
doubting you is something i'd never do

so miles apart and roads stretched wide
we link our hearts and pocket our pride
turns out you're the only thing on my mind
falling for you like the rain from the sky.

hey you
with the eyes and the hair
sprouting from the brilliant head i'm yet to recognize
here i am, with nothing left to lose
life's been pretty giving, but pretty unfair.
the weight of living morphs in size

because when two pairs of shoulders
hold it together
it seems so much lighter,
doesn't it?

all those age old mistakes
were made for you
so i could learn how to piece me together
and see what we will make,
will you be ready too?

i can't wait to meet you,
whether we have or not,
i cannot wait to love you
the same and one, a true love knot.

I am fragile today
And my skin sparkles with sweat
The odor follows me around like a shadow
And I am left in the hallway with little more to say.

Sunlight sprinkles through the leaves of cedar trees
And we scatter like ripples
Upon a stagnant shore
Betrayal marks the embodiment of humankind

Torn paper to lace your lungs in tar
Your existentialism runs to a close
As your mind hollows, and your eyes begin to cloud
The angels above scream for you to stay.

Silhouettes of organisms lost at sea,
An ocean of shame
Skeletons of dignity
Line the shore

You broke the bones
Of a hundred gleaming soldiers
Fighting for peace and hating for love
Keep your eyes closed.

Red wine bubbling in the back of your throat
Rewind the kindling of a fire you won't put it out
Oceans unchanging, swallowing whole boats
You and I left in the void, to drown

I am unfeeling and fleetingly alive
I am lonely and slowly finding peace of mind
You are salt spilled across table tops
You are a child tearing apart and lost.

Dirt on your knees and scabs on your skin
We live free with the pleasures of sin
You taste him on your tongue,
Songs we left unsung.

Your old jacket, the one you gave me,
Well the zipper broke last week.
And the sleeves are torn apart,
It's grown too tight, it don't fit how it did in the start

Metaphors for a broken heart
How the ocean rages and pulls us apart
Smiles for the tattered soul
How the angels play their role.

avalanche, mystifying icon
you are still on my bright screen
yet i no longer linger upon yours

lo and behold i try to
muster up the courage to
approach you
only to fail, flee, or **** it all up.

of all the love i have come to make
and all the hearts i'm yet to break
there is something so subtle in the way our eyes meet
when you're skin is my skin, and you are a part of me

the hazel green, and stubble on your chin
my mortal machine, lovers drenched in sin
is it electricity or madness
where felicity finally left behind the sadness
i cannot wait to see you again.

i hope that water leaks from faucets onto our skin together.
i hope that we can lay in bed and shake the mattress with our laughter.
i hope the heartache we've known, well it just won't matter.
let the boundaries fearlessly shatter
for us and all the mindless chatter

you're sweeter than smoke in my lungs and
i wish you were here.
awake me, give me touch, cause i've been so numb and
i wont watch you disappear.

i've known you for a few days now,
but i've been dreaming of you forever
and the way air escapes from your lungs
when you're breathing inside of me
can you ******* carbon dioxide?

oxygen shared between two organisms
the shuffle and static between two skins

although something feels like you're the one,
i'm sure you're just another one
using me for the skin
i am living in

that man has got a blade for tongue
his vocals slipping off into the slum
he speaks with vigor
and empty voice of debilitation
the mouth of the rancid giver
he develops the destruction of communication

slashing tires just for fun
this golden child is on the run
from disabilities better classified as demons
losing his breath for the rising sun

the open eyes are clear to see
what is unfolding
right in front of me
a path to the future,
a gaping aperture;
there are a million things to say
but none of them match the light of day

i've been silent for quite a while now,
but here's some thought for the why's and how's
keep your soul trapped in the skin
until the day we are whole again.

bad things happen to good people in this town
just overcame some hills, but now it's all down
entitlement to pride, a nervous wreck breathes
i see my reflection in the growing tides, mirrors just confusing me
i lost a lot but gained some peace of mind
misunderstandings that crush and divide.

Had a dream about my mama last night, keep getting little flashbacks of memories with her. It's been five months since you passed, and I'm finally realizing all the good things you put in my life, despite the bad. I wonder if you're somewhere in these heavy winds singing the weird little "Ming songs" you made up for me. I love you mama, I like to think you're still with me in the things you taught me and in that blue sky we live beneath. Call me a dweller, but I am thinking about you today. And for once, it's in gratitude and nothing but love. When you were put to rest, so were my grudges. You weren't the best mom, but you were one hell of a friend.

let the caged bird free
though you'll miss the songs it sings.
my muse is gone, he went away
for good, forever,
no more words will stutter off my lips,
fewer sentences to scrawl
i get anxious at this time of day
noon, where the light doesn't matter
i gouge my eyes until all that's left are the sockets
all this ice beneath my feet, but i'm yet to fall.

i have dreams of men falling in love with me
and everything is as pure as they can be.
oceans beneath the winds
faith beneath the sins
i haven't lost all hope,
despite the loss of you.
what have you done with all those love notes?
did you throw them away, too?

i'm alone, but that's alright
because loneliness is something i grew up with
no eyes, but i haven't lost sight
of angels soaring, or spring's solemn kiss
phlegm built up in my throat
from all the smoke in my lungs
often times, i've found myself in the cold without a coat
do you understand me as i speak in tongues?

downed half a bottle in less than five minutes
and then i heard the news
so my mind reached it's limits
when you told me what he did to you

your throat caught between a car door
his fingers in your mouth,
biting, tearing, screaming, like you never had before
from the time you left my house,
it all went south
blades of steel beg for him to bleed more

i would hope they choke
on all the words they spew
i can only hope
tragedy will leave me and you.

my fist met the dead wood
blood drips down my fingers
and i did not do as i should've,
found him, destroyed him, left his soul to linger

so instead i returned the books to a false love
who broke me in ways no man ever should
it should've meant something, it must've,
but with him, it never could.

here's to the bruises on your arms
and the words that still echo inside my head
here's to the war we fought, all the harm
here's to the men who are better off dead.

for you, i hold nothing but contempt;
full of lies and hateful words.
i regret every single day i spent
every single voice of yours i heard.

it might as well be ******
in an oasis of *** and fantasy
and you didn't listen when i'd murmur
at your hand, i lost all sanity.

my prime weakness,
my ultimate curse
the karma, it seeks us
leads us to our hearse.

9:25 PM
a star falls, i was the only one to see it
about two feet across from me is where you sit
you told me the only people where your temper does not fit
me and your parents, you push away, bit by bit

9:42 PM
i am looking you dead in the eye
while you watch the stars collide
my majesty, my bona fide
the ghastly little creature that runs rampant in my mind

10:31 PM
i turn the corner
and the stars meet my eye
i feel just like a foreigner
who's lost all track of time
that numb hollow ache in the center of my chest
is where you and i stay settled,
and the memories of when you'd watch me undress.

11:00 PM
it's me still, and
you're still on my mind
it gets harder each time
to stand
and leave you behind.

i promise to keep you warm.

i still want to spend
all the beautiful days with you
but i no longer bleed a shade
with your name laced in the hue
i am tired from nights i've lost
to the thought of you

the likeness of our minds
repel and confine
i have so many things to say,
with no where to begin
but i suppose it's okay,
since you'd never care to hear them.

this is not a love letter
this is not a suicide note
all in all, i've gotten better
but upon your name, i still choke.

those coal black eyes
i barely met
but
got to know so well
the panic, the fear
the mania, the psychotic
the love, the joy
the trust, the life

i see them now behind screens
living life as they should
plagued by the demons from behind

you were asking me what happens if you have an ******,
you grabbed me by the shoulders and told me the devil was here.
i saw it in your eyes,
but i'm not sure what it was

you are not crazy, my dear
dark skinned beauty
you are not sick
you are alive and you are well
from behind the screen

i've been silent for a while
my words hold a numb distance
all simple and docile
it will return, but for now, good riddance

the waves no longer rage
or beg for me to stay
and the winter is passing
and for air, i'm no longer gasping

i am breathing and i am grounded
i am solidified and no longer broken
some sort of tranquility, i've found it
but it's left me so softspoken.

Your hands untied the noose
Without even knowing what it was
Everything you do, irony shades it's hue
We seem to embrace that chapter of life
That begins with us.

That jagged birthmark across your back
Where my fingers dance
Your eyes dialate, that cool black
Into my heart, your seed still plants.

Watching your fingers slide against the strings
My muse has returned
He listens when I sing
Shaking off his winter sunburn

winter froze us solid, solitary
i am no longer by your side
the omen calls.
hoping for something different;
oh, how useless.
unordinary and bold,
the time between us grows.

yes, i am alright without you
okay, i know you're hurt
unforgiven sins lay barren

its all over

all of the evening sunsets
mindbending in their infinity

fear and love
impeccably, are two very different things
never risk where
empathy lies

TRUTH IS I AM LIVING A LIE
AND I SEE YOUR UNFORGIVING EYES
EACH TIME I CLOSE MINE
I AM A UNIVERSE OF MISUNDERSTOOD MISTAKES
AND DRIED UP ROSES
BUT IF YOU LOOK
CLOSE ENOUGH
YOU WILL SEE GOD*

i've done all i want to do before i die besides seeing the world and falling into requited love but this world, this life, this universe seems to have some ****** up plan for me and i'm not so sure what it is. there was a time when i believed i could change the world but then the world changed me. i am swaying like trees in the wind and my eyes are closed and i cannot hear them calling my name over the sound of the shore that begged me to stay, although i have not seen it since the late fall, and now it is late winter and there is snow all around me *bury yourself inside of me it is cold in the wind but warm under my skin, i promise i will share. we spent evenings huddling for heat and we spent mornings under sheets, under each others skin. now i am alone and desolate but that does not make me any less whole or any less real. i am a human being and we all need love.

keep your eyes on the prize
when i grow up i wanna be on the other side of the desk
i want to be the one in the spinning chair
eyes locked on the couch
i want to see this prescription work it's magic
on the lost and the losing

i want my words to be sanctity
the color of my eyes to be warming souls
i want to hold them close but with hands tied behind my back
i'll let my own demons out to play with theirs

ink on the skin never mattered to him
i want to have pages on shelves
i want my words to be serenity

i'll smile with purity and sincerity
the lies and the truths all lined up to dry
oceans wont call my name anymore, instead
i'll be singing to its tides

it's not so hard to be on my own anymore
i can breathe again

the little games your mind plays, like when daddy screamed about how much he loved the windshield wipers in that old, old car. it is probably a mere scrap of metal now. you spent the afternoon on a bridge, in the forest, now your fingers are slow and a vibrant cold against the warmth of your kitchen. my first memory is a photograph. it gets easier to be alone the longer you are, i have found. we see the same constellation every night, Aryan lined up to greet us as soon as night falls. he takes over her like ivy on trees, wrapping its tendons tight around the skin, suffocating, asphyxiating. they say every person has a mind of their own, the contest between strangers; who can hold the steadier gaze? do your eyes glaze over at the sight of a smile? or do you match it with one of your own? the interaction between strangers is my purest form of socialization, the ease, the comfort.
the little games your mind plays, playing tricks on you all **** day.

i bite my tongue often
regularly grind my teeth
like butterflies, they slip out of your fingers
right as you caught them
they want you to bury it all beneath
and ignore what hollow ache lingers

hurtful words spew from a once-love's lips
my jaw aches
the ego stays intact
don't know where my bones will fit
live with my mistakes
the time has come to face the facts

misuse of vibrant words
wasted on the deaf
tell me, have you heard
about how my life is just a mess?

my room sighs with the loss of you
the love it saw between cold sheets
lingers no more
the pillow sobs its last
when it realizes it will hold your head no longer
blankets curl up, lonely
knowing it will not wrap around you again

your warm skin felt like the summer breeze
every cell sang in unison
for the passion they recalled
your mouth is a sea of irrevocable mistakes
just give me one more taste

your fingers in and around me
played me like the puppet i am
where guilty pleasures are all we know
the crack of hollow bones

my body is useless
without yours beside it

the evening sun kisses me goodbye
when the smoke rises
and tears fall

come over and stay
for just a little while
we can watch the rain fall
with our brown eyes

i'll make you tea
with ice cubes in it so as not to
burn that heavenly mouth
i found a home in months ago
but you packed my bags and through them
out on the curb,

foreheads pressed together with your eyes locked on mine,
you say "stay strong"
when you are my sole weakness

white powder and green flakes
oceans rush in after your wake
i can't stop with the poisoned lungs
and the blisters
or the lines on my throat

angels and devils
all lined up to see me fall
this was nothing
to you

2012
the boy was like sun rays falling from a blue sky. his hair was shining blonde and flew in the wind, his eyes were the perfect blue, azure like a pure sky, tranquil like a warm sea. he was bones and skin, but knew not the weight of sin. he was on a quest for ataraxia, he was selfless, he was kind. he had wings and a halo shining above his blonde head, he was my guardian angel for a year and 2 months. he was the ambulance, he was the desire. he was the first. when the "hospital" prison gates came clamoring shut on my face, he ran far, far away. he found another shining blonde head with sky blue eyes to bury his love into. the distance was our downfall.

2013
the boy was earthy, he was brown eyed like oak trees, his veins the limbs, his heart the roots. i poisoned him with nicotine. we kept our brown eyes in the forests with polluted rivers running astray, we told our secrets with no fear. he was selfish, he was keen on his own way. he could not see past his own eyes. brown and murky was his world, diseased ones followed him home. he tried. i tried. we failed.

you've got the night
love just like words
hope inside,
feel the fingers, gone

that long old broken look
you'll hold loose
stay in bed
with your tree dreams

the world came to forget,
apart from remembering,
the sound leaves tears.
dead, hard, growing bones

wont meet that man,
lips like air,
drown, dear

faces watch
arms run
lungs hide
breathe, die.

i wish burning hearts closed
pretty smoke, tired scars
your clouds breath shattered,
lay, wait

god met ashes,
the sky turned hopeless
sick of leaving stars
snow sheets make no difference anymore

walk, smile.
grasp the breeze, gentle.

what doesnt **** you makes you wander
those frozen minutes drag out longer
what doesnt **** you makes you ponder
hearts no longer growing fonder.

hold on for dear life
before it throws you off the edge
sometimes its all you find that's left
it gets too hard, sometimes
for us to remain in line
but don't cry, little soul(dier)
everything will turn out just fine.

there's an (empty) space where your fingers laced
along mine, creating puppet strings in my (heart)
mind (the gap)

don't get too close to the edge or you'll find yourself
frayed and (echoes) screaming
until your voice falls along with your life (and)

i put the noose around my neck, i missed you then
but my legs were too long for (death) success

there's a hidden message just for you
between the lines and the spaces of every word
like the spaces between my fingers
where yours used to be.

now my neck aches
where your (fingers should've been, squeezing) heart beat along side mine
phlegm rises in my throat just enough to drown me
in the (poisonous) smoke i love so dearly

you were there, asking me for relief
but instead i gave you
my bleeding heart,
you asked me what it was,
not knowing how to respond
i told you it was all i had (left)

Write a poem.

your words are ethereal
they keep me solid
red wine, aged since 1990
keeps you lingering in my mind

i can't see past your brown eyes
they're my blue skies
big enough to be mirrors
to my empty soul

what would we do
if we spent hours with each other
speak in tongues and
writhe together over love lost

the weight of your angel wings
is sending shivers down my spine
open windows and shady trees
sentences that do not rhyme

i can't let you go
with your open arms
that keep me on my level
the oceans sigh for us
the sand tumbles over itself
keep me out of harms way
when i drown my tears
in the blood red

you and your
bad news
look me in the eyes
and tell me something new

you say the pain will pass with time
but i can't please you
the way i used to

when i warned you not to fall in love with me
i didn't foresee the true future
where you took my advice, and i, well
i lost myself to your clouds

this memory is one of my favorites
where you and i went to the baseball game
with your parents and
your dogs that hated me
and we walked around the stadium
the sunset was almost as beautiful as you
then you begged your mother for beer
but instead you found intoxication
from in between my thighs

and then there was the time we got lost
on the way to annapolis,
our minds too cloudy to figure out the gps
so instead you got pizza, and i got frozen ice
but we were together and happy
before anything ever happened

do you remember when
we walked through the forest and i
expressed to you my love for radiohead and we
shared our deepest secrets on a rotted log

please remember the time
we first stayed the night with each other
it's hazy, but i can clearly see
your hands all over me
where waking up next to you
was the most refreshing place

and the times we spent naked together
our bodies intertwined, unafraid
of judging eyes, of wandering minds
where we were one

now you can't see past
the times i left shattered in my wake
and i suppose i deserve the solitude more
than your hands around my throat
although i'd much prefer the latter

you're gone and i gotta stay high
all the time
to keep you off my mind

i'm waiting for the words to make a difference
but you always focused on my actions
where they were shaky and full of twists and turns
places where your mind couldn't follow

i have done more wrong to you
than i could ever think to do
and it's like i've dragged myself across
a bed of all the blades
used in your name

i just want to wake up where you are,
one day.