It's funny how love is so complicated
Only because of how simple it is

Love complicates our situations
But because of this love, you're delighted to change

Things are exciting again

I can't sleep at night
I'm not in love
I swear
It's just flirting right?

It's just mindless questions


And cute texts

...

And pictures of hearts

*****

Biting my tongue was a problem for me as a child
Holding back the words
that I so desperately wanted to say
screaming on the inside
but politely whispering on the outside

As I grew into an awkward
fumbling
naive girl
I hated my passive lips
and ever silent throat

It was when I was confronted
only a timid lion cub thrown into a fight
that I grew my roar
and learned that my bite was worse
than my growl

Now ask me anything
tell me what you think
say what you really feel
and only expect the same in return
and don't be surprised by the poison that drips from my tongue

My saliva can infect wounds
and my teeth carry the venom of a thousand snakes
With lips so sweet
and smile so bright
It's camouflage for the beast hidden underneath

So keep running your mouth
let those slippery words flow through your mouth
but let me warn you


I don't need you
or your facade
A beast hides under these doe eyes
and it's more sinister
than the most poisonous snake

Why is it I like you so much?
                                                            Uhm... I don't know! I think I'm charming
I don't think so
                                                          Well I don't know! They are your feelings
Are they?
                                                         They aren't mine!
Well you gave them to me!

Words that weigh
cause migraines
and I can't remember the words you said to me
the ones that haunt me like
a killer with a knife
I remember the feelings though
the pain that sliced my young heart
I became really good at letting it go
just brushing it off my shoulder
shoving it down deep in my soul
but now as I keep saying what I feel
the suppressed feelings are coming to surface

Emptying the closet of insults
only reveals the darkest ones at the bottom
and your name is marked on all of them
and I can't help but get teary remembering them
holding myself as I close the door
a little girl shouldn't have to hear that
shouldn't have to worry about her hair
the way she dressed
the way she talked
the way she stuttered
why didn't you love me?
why did you pick on me?
you showed love and affection to everyone else
people refused to think we were related
because of how socially inept i was
couldn't you see that i was lost?
looking for you to grab onto me and hold me
to tell me how beautiful i looked
just being me?
but instead
you pulled my hair
and ripped my clothes
threw out my favorite overalls

Sometimes you would rub my back
and call me sweet sarah
you would make me feel loved
and how loved i felt
i wanted those moments to last forever
and in my mind they do
when i'm sad
it's those times i remember
but it doesn't wash out the darker ones

and how i thought
once dad got involved they would stop
but he only encouraged your malicious thinking
the slightest mistake
was my biggest regret
carless, heartless, *****, rude, disrespectful
those words mean nothing now
they are cliches that you say
but ring no meaning

at least
they used to

now everything is like a fresh new slice
opening myself up again
revealing my healed wounds
i thought i could do this
i thought i could show you what hurts more
what hurts more than seeing fat on my bones
or horrible makeup on my face
the words of children never mattered
it was the words of my mother

my mother who preferred my sister
my mother who thinks im useless
a good-for-nothing waste of space
unless i provide a service
i might as well leave
and i want to leave
don't think i'm here by choice

threaten me mother
say you'll hit me
tell me again how you will take everything away
show me your anger
because you are obviously untouchable
you can clearly control me
but one day you won't
and i won't care
but i really hope
that you do

I called you and said
"Mom my chest hurts I can't walk, I can barely breathe."
I had never known so much pain
You didn't sound scared or worried
You simply asked questions
I responded as best as I could
You were silent and then told me to grab the antacids
You told me that you would call once you got to work
I waited for you to call, even though I felt better
You called back and I listened to your voice as the antacids melted my pain

Your voice always soothes me
Even when you are mad or screaming

Whenever I'm in pain
Whether it be a broken arm or heart
A dull ache in my back or head
The simplest touch makes me feel better

Even when you annoy me
And I just want to yell at you and say "Shut up."
You still make me feel better when you call me a good daughter

You gossip too much
And you talk too much trash
You overreact
You overprotect
You over do it
But you're my mom
And no matter what happens I know you will be there
Just one phone call and you'll pick up expecting the worst
But will be relieved by what I have to say
You won't be mad
You will just say "It will be okay"

Thank you

The river
hot and still
sits lazily at the banks

One foot in
and sinks into the mud

Ripples echo off of my ankle
and minerals solidify on my calf

Another step
and the water crawls up my thigh

The muddy waters reach my waist
and I sink
and I pray

The contents of the river are unknown
and I give all of myself to it

The sun burns my *******
my voice is raw
and my eyes are red

This is my worst form
and the river swallows me hole

I'll run away
And live in a fantasy
Where I sleep in the waves of the ocean
I'll rock myself to sleep and hold myself while I cry
I'll wipe my own tears away and tell myself it's okay
I don't need you to do it

In my fantasy
My hair will be dry from the salt
My face will be burnt and marked from the harsh sun
The sand will cake my feet
My skin will be cracked from the heat
And the sky will look at me and think
My what a beauty
I don't need you to tell me that I am

In this world
I am the queen of the wind and sand
I control the ocean and sun
I rule over the moon and stars
You have no power here

But yet here you are
Taking my hand and dragging me down a road I know so well
I'm telling you no
But for some reason
I'm not running away
But walking towards it
Nodding my head and smiling

You slow down for me to keep pace
You're holding open the door asking You ready?
No, I think, I'm not
You're not what I want, I think
My body is in the car
My heart is in the ocean
You're waiting, and you're staring
You call me beautiful as I stare at my paradise
My fantasy

I take a moment to enjoy it
I look at the others who took me away from it
Their skulls smile as if they know what's about to happen
I take a look at you and I can't do it
And I expect you, like the others, to start the car
But instead



You hand me the keys

My body works so hard

it gets me up every morning
so that I may learn

and it continues throughout the day
despite the exhaustion that plagues my mind

and when I work
it keeps up the pace

in the mirror
it sags
has uneven shapes
and lumps

and often I find myself
wishing to have a more appealing figure

but I cry for my body
because it works so hard for me

and I do not appreciate
its perfection.

You make me think of my children
will they be cared for
the way you cared for me?

Will they feel like their house is a home?
Will they yearn for attention like I did?
Will they grow up unable to process their own emotions like me?

Will they have a father who can see past his own wants?

Will you be there for them?

sitting behind you on the bed
naked and trying not to cry
tracing the muscles on your back
in hopes that you'll turn around
and look at me like I did when I was 20
but instead you get up and leave the room
your ratted boxers sitting tightly on your bulging skin
the tears flow freely then as i stare at my loose skin
and my calloused wrinkled hands
i'm not as beautiful as i once was
i'm not as patient or as kind
and i can't remember where i went wrong
where we went wrong
you can't stand looking at me
or being in the same room as me
my naked body doesn't send waves of excitement
it doesn't even make *** worth it
our kids don't know whether to
hope we'll make it work
or
wish we would leave each other and start fresh
you're the only one i ever let myself love
and if you left i'm not sure where i would go
but neither of us are happy
you're phone is full of other women
while mine
well
it's full of pictures of our kids being happy
and work needing me to hurry over
i was, and still am, always busy
and i never gave you the attention you wanted
i hated you for not loving me on my schedule
while i never thought of yours
and tonight was the night where i would try
to win you back
but it's too late
and you're out the door
watching sports on the computer
and i'm still naked in bed
crying while looking at the spot you once were
but i'm a grown woman now
so i pick myself up
and head over to the shower
hopefully
i will get some sleep for tomorrow
and tomorrow maybe
something will change

but nothing does

For one of the rare moments in my life
I was genuinely
happy

I had been myself
and I was strong
I felt secure
and I felt loved

Everything was right
the clouds
the weather

I was
on top
of the
world

And then like
a tidal wave
it was over

The monsters of the sea
wrapped their dangerous
tentacles around my legs
and pulled me back into the dark depths

I was overwhelmed
and saddened
too tired to lift up my head

it was the same story
the same voices repeating over and over again
reprimanding
scolding

I guess I'll just keep going
looking forward to the next time
I'll be happy

Porcelain dolls
perfection in every pore
my imagined self is flawless
and I truly feel that way
around you
so perfect that I think I can be with the A-listers
deny a prince
and kiss a king

There's that boy
who you know your parents
would absolutely love
cute smile
great hair
athletic
tall
and treats you so sweetly

We could spend dinner
having polite conversation
telling cute stories
discussing global issues
and everything would be fine

but I'm not looking for fine

I wonder if clouds know they're beautiful
When they sit and watch from the the sky

I wonder if they know how dangerous and threatening they are
When thunder cries out

I wonder if they know how they turn colors
When the sun hits them just right

I walk to work wondering if they know

I wish I could live up there with them
I could be puffy and white

And no one would say anything
Because that's how clouds are

I wish I could reflect the sun
But only be full of rain

If I was full of rain
I wouldn't be full of emotion

Clouds don't become angry
Or sad

Clouds don't fall in love
And realize their love wasn't real

I wonder if clouds know how truly breath-taking they are

If I could stay and lay on the grass all day
And watch them

I would

I've driven through clouds once
It was like a dream

I pulled over and felt the fleeting puffs wisp by
I felt the rain wet my skin

I felt the cold penetrate my clothes
I felt the wind tangle my hair

And most of all
I felt the thrill of being in the clouds

I wonder if they thought of me as beautiful
As much as I saw them that way

There's a moment
where you wish
you could just press rewind

It was just five seconds ago that you said that
It was just a minute ago when you dropped that

and you can remember it in your hands
or the words trapped behind your teeth
and you would give anything to just try and fix it

just a moment ago you could have turned the wheel

just a second ago you could have just fallen the **** asleep and let it alone

but no

you took the plunge and there's no rewind
there's no going back
and the past is the past

I didn't take you back
just to be treated
the same
*******
way
AGAIN

I don't want to be second
I don't want to be taken for granted
I want you to put my love on top

You are everything to me
Why can't I be everything to you?

I always want to run

Like a swan
floating so gently through the water
wading through the ripples
but at the first sign of trouble
it leaps from the cool iridescent pool
wings flapping heavily
flying away as fast as it can

I ran away from friendships
hardships
relationships
from my home
my family

I convinced myself
that I was brave
a lioness
ready to fight at the sight of any trouble

but I know myself
I run

Like a child
I leave a note
or say a short farewell
and I run
as fast as I can move
and as far as my legs can carry me

And with you
I wanted to run
Every pore in my body
on fire
wanting to run
anxiety coursing through my veins

I wanted to run

And yet I stayed
grounded
and after a moment passed
I just wanted to be closer

Can you love someone who can't see past you?

Past your defenses
your troubles
your stress
your tears
your smiles

Can you love someone who can't see inside of you?

The churning your stomach
the missed beats of your hearts
the heat between your legs
the cancerous tumors that life has put in you

Can you love someone who can't heal you?

This is your fault
You're the one saying all these things
Acting like it won't affect me
Treating me like I'm a stone wall
That I don't hear the words you say
Or read the words you type
It was bound to affect me
And turn my feelings for you

I'm becoming jealous
and irrational.
I become worried when I don't hear from you
I want you to say my name
Or think about me constantly
I want you to tell me all things you do
Or tell me something new
Babe
Sweetie
Gorgeous
Call me all of it
And don't stop

You're just a silly girl
with a dazed look in her eye
and flowers in hair
twirling around the room
with laughter spilling from her teeth

You're just a silly girl
with the notion that he really loves you
and he will stay by your side
shouting from the room
with love dripping from your tongue

You're just a silly girl
with the idea that people are good
and everyone holds the best intentions
speaking throughout the room
with nonsense slipping from her throat

You're just a silly girl
with a sad droop of your head
and clenched fists at your side
sobbing in the room
with tears dripping from your lips

You're just a silly girl

Do you regret it?

I should have left Him where I found Him

I should have let Him be

I know me
better than anyone else
I know what I'm capable of

My heart is not as fragile as I once thought
but His

His heart is bandaged
and broken
full of scars
hoping for the right person to care for it

and it was not I
but I took it anyways
and used it for my own pleasures

He was going to give me the world
and I?

I only gave him two syllables

Sorry

I used to stand in church
and close my eyes

waiting for a god to wash me over
with peace and love

and all i felt was

the tingling in my fingertips

the uncomfortable way my eyes were closed

the soft hairs tickling my temples

the pain resounding in my joints

and i didn't feel god
all i felt was the awkwardness of me

standing in a church

Low guitar strings
strum and stir the night sky
stars illuminate
your eyes
strained to see mine
while i stare
stardust trailing the midnight sky

it's hard to love you again

but i'm starting to
standing next to you
holding your hand
stargazing
starstruck
in awe of the view in front of us
and while i stare
i can feel your eyes gaze at me
and your mouth
whispers
"wow"

You are strong
and hold a power inside of you
so pure and bright
that it pierces through the pain
and sorrow

and it isn't pure
because it is untainted
it is pure because it has fought
through the darkness
and survived

i hate you
not because you did anything wrong
but because
it hurts too much to love you

and that line between
love and hate
is so fine

strewn webs of light
   coalesce under a commonality
they tell stories of the ones
that their light has fallen unto
   couples in estranged relationships
   children envious of one another
   communities screaming in outrage
and light wonders
why do humans fall
under their revealing gaze

but darkness grins
blanketing the layers of
secrecy
deceit
lies
giving temporary shelter to the
hatred
sadness
jealousy

it is in the twilight
where darkness conceals
but light gives hope
where
lovers meet
children cheer
communities reform

and it is in the inbetween
where I met him

my eyes burned from the light
and my heart haunted by the darkness

inbetween
love and hate
secrets and truth
I found him

and it is in this twilight
that I hope our love can stay

I fear that it will not survive the
judgmental eyes of light
or the suffocating embrace of darkness

*and while I am scared
and I can feel his palm shaking under mine
I know that even if I am
burned again
or
smothered to death
it will have been worth it all
to at least have tasted such a love
that I thought was
only written
in fairy tales

You have forgotten this song
the power it holds on your heart
how it can crush you like a rock
maybe you shared it with an old lover
or its the song they played for your friends funeral

Suddenly you hear the start of the first verse
and it breaks your heart
the eternal sadness comes rushing back
and its almost too much to bear

Every verse, chorus, and lift leaves you breathless
Crescendos crash into you
Bridges breaks you
but nothing hurts as much as the ending
and the way it leaves you feeling lost

The wall
mighty and strong
made of
steel
concrete
wood
sticks
mud
dirt
sand
it stands
ready to fall
to break apart
and tear
behind it is the ocean
that will sweep away the worries
and fears
but the wall stands
trying to contain
the threatening tsunami
and I am but a humble
observer
parched in the desert
dying for a drop of water

I just need
*to let go

They say you don't know what you have until it's gone
And yet I miss him dearly

I'm crazy in love but too afraid to show it

I want to wrap myself around you
until I'm pulled away
until you call me insane

Am I too much?
Am I enough?

I'm falling in love with you
But I can't help but want him
I'm human and I'm young
He looks at me and I feel at home
But I talk to you and I feel free

He hurt me more than I can say
I never cried over him
Not until I felt my heart for the first time
In I don't know how long

But you
I didn't realize it but you picked up my heart
And gave me the shattered pieces
And I pieced it slowly
You talked me through it
And you held my hands while I held my heart
And with you I can't stop smiling

But tonight
When I saw him
I wanted to kiss him
I wanted to hold him down
I wanted nothing more than for him to say
I love you

So what do I do?

Today
I took a break
from
hating myself

Poetry is about what is said
And what is implied

Implying is known for its subtle
Body gestures or vague sentences

Syntax and diction often control
The reader's persepctive

but
how can I control what other's think

Is it colorful word choice
Or WHAT WORDS STAND OUT

Am I accurate in assuming that
With a simple
pause

and repeat of word
I can cause someone to think otherwise?

Is it crazy that I control
the beat
in time
with a
meter

My dear I seem to have you under a spell
Can I tell you something

I'm not falling for you
I am in fact

Floating
Or for a better word

Afloat with you
Enjoying the water

And maybe
Someday
at some point
In some time

I will be ****** in
Drowned in your bliss
Penetrated by your words
Enraptured by your touch

Poetry is for mad people
With nothing better to do than to scrawl out their words with a pen nearby or a ***** keyboard that sounds more atrocious than the screaming of a fish

Poetry is the only way I can say my feelings
and if it's confusing

I'm sorry
I'm also confused

Maybe your love won't be drowning
and for once

It will feel like flying

Countless times have people asked,
Why are we here?

And still
the universe refuses to answer,

never acknowledging the simplistic question
being shouted from tiny voices.

People pray to know
what their purpose is or if there is a purpose.

Demanding an answer to the misfortune that happens.

But the universe stares coldly at the world,
never uttering a single sound.

And why should it?

Why should such a grandiose power
answer people who will die in the blink of an eye
to never change or influence the course of life
and yet people continue to shout
asking and demanding for an answer or a sign.

Nothing changes and the world continues to spin.

The universe continues creating without reason.

Spawning life from the palm of its hand.

He's different
No he's not
I'm special to him
No you aren't
He isn't damaged like the others
Yes he is
He thinks I'm beautiful
No he doesn't
He says I'm sweet
You aren't
He says my eyes are beautiful
He's lying
He says my hair is pretty
He's just joking
I like him
Why?
He listens to me
He just wants to see you naked
He just wants you to break again
Then he'll run like the others
You'll fall harder this time
Let me guard you, protect you
Just let me help you
Let me help you, and don't let anyone love you

You're gorgeous.
He's different
**No he's not

I am weak
And when they ask me
What has made you this way?
I will only whisper your name

Your smiles
Laughs
Eyes
And arms
Have made me weak

I long to hold your hand within mine
And to caress your hair under my fingertips
To see your smile brilliantly flash in my direction
And to feel your breath intertwine with me
Our hearts beating in synchronization

You have made me weak

I used to stand strong
On my own
Indestructible

I left you
In an act of defiance against my own heart
To prove to my own self
That I would not be a fool again
I would heed the warnings
And listen

But
I am broken

The hand that would hold yours
Aches painfully

My fingertips bleed
With my carelessness

My smile has disappeared

My breath is stuck in my throat
Choking on words I want to say

My heart is shattered
By my own hand
That wields a dagger
Carved from my own bone

Every ounce of strength I possess
Is used to stay away from you

You have taken so much from me
My happiness
My strength
My appetite
My peace
My future
My soul

I walk around my own home like a ghost
Haunting the walls
A shell of the woman I used to be
Only occupied by a pathetic creature

One that only takes up space
One that only ignores what is painfully obvious
And one that can’t seem to let you go

What am I doing?
Why can’t I let you go?

My hair is falling out
My skin is losing its color
My smile is losing its brilliance
My laughter is forced

Why have you made me this way?

I need you
And you have made me too weak to get you

I'm only happy with you
I'm only happy with you
I'm only happy with you
Even though you drive me insane
Even though you're such a pain
I'm only happy with you
I just want to be with you