clutter everywhere
retail therapy gone bad...
nothing fills the void

I didn't even realize
I forgot how to smile,
been wearing a fake one
for such a long while...
But then one day
you came along...
You brightened my world
and changed the words to my song.
Now your sweet lyrics
are all I can hear
and you've got me grinning
from ear to ear😁

saying I'm ok
walking thru life in a haze
sleep is my band-aid

load your gun
with a nice shiny bullet-
finger on the trigger,
be ready to pull it.
make sure the barrel
is aimed at my head,
then force me to eat
that hot molten lead.
paint my brains
all over the wall,
see my knees buckle-
watch as I fall.
my lifeless body
then covered in red...
told you that I'd be
better off dead!

one hundred degrees
mother nature sends a breeze
and flames to the trees

I fool them all
with my pretty face.
I dress myself up
with style and grace.
I paint a pretty picture
for everyone to see...
just hoping to hide
the ugliness of me.

I've been broken
and put back together
too many times before.
picked up the pieces
of my shattered heart
one by one off the floor.
I stitched up the seams
with needle and thread,
and muffled the screams
that wished I was dead,
then swept away dreams
that cluttered my head...
until there were no more.

alone again
just wishing you were here...
to feel your strong arms
holding me near.
missing the warmth
of your eyes, so deep,
i close my own
and drift to sleep....

awakened by a whispered
word in the wind,
a soft breeze tickling
my naked skin.
like fingers it brushes
through my hair,
then a shadow floats faintly
across the cold air.

could that whisper
be one from your lips?
or that tickle come
from your fingertips?
was it your hand
that caressed, lovingly?
is that shadow you,
in the dark, i can't see?

so i call out to you....
my love, are you there?!
but my desperate hands feel
nothing but air.
so i lay back down
and i shed tear,
alone again
just wishing you were here...

You bring out the very worst in me,
the ugly side I hate to see...
That bitter ***** no one can stand,
who's quick to snap like a rubber band.
The angry, spiteful, cold-hearted shrew,
who only exists when brought out by you...

because you fit me...
my world looks brighter
my life seems better
my heart feels warmer
because you fit me...
like my favorite sweater.

Oh how I hate
this time of year,
with the stupid songs
and holiday cheer...
Annoying bell ringers
outside the store,
and the tacky wreaths
hanging on the door.
Cardboard calendars
filled with waxy treats,
ice and snow making
death traps of streets.
Frazzled parents
spending more then they should
on entitled kids
who are far from good.
Fake smiles & wishes
in the "spirit" of it all,
the empty shelves-
the crowds at the mall.
The hour long line
to see Santa the phony
who falsely promises
an x-box or a pony.
Having to gather
with family who annoy,
gifting another cheap
Chinese-made toy.
Fire hazards
strung with tinsel and lights,
tensions leading
to fun Christmas fights!
Secret Santas-
holiday parties for work-
ugly sweaters
making you look like a ****.
The stress of having
an enormous list
and a tiny budget
just makes me ******!
No, nothing seems jolly
or merry or bright...
Oh how I can't wait
till post-Christmas night!

***** *** and cigarettes
bad decisions, no regrets.
Painted lips and fingertips
lace, leather, gags and whips.
Cheap motels, steamy nights
sweaty flesh and candlelights.
Pushing limits, breaking rules
naked dips in swimming pools.
Getting high while living low
riding rails, pure white snow.
Playing games & telling lies
the look of lust in lovers eyes.
Rendevouz in seedy places
sloppy kisses, hot embraces.
Ménage à trios, or even four!
Anything goes behind locked door...
Shots of Jack make it all alright-
just another dirt-bag night.

Tell me how very stupid I am,
tell me I don't know ****.
Tell me it's only my imagination,
tell me not to trip.
Tell me what a fool I'm acting,
even tell me I'm a liar...
Just tell me that this time apart
hasn't put out the fire.
Tell me that I really don't see
love dying in your eyes.
Tell me all I've known to be real
wasn't just made up of lies.
Tell me that the desire is still there,
that passion is still alive.
Tell me something as strong as 'us'
knows only how to survive.
Tell me that the affection, now gone,
is something I still can feel.
Tell me that all my doubts and fears
are unfounded and unreal.
Tell me it's just my messed-up head,
tell me it's all a mistake...
Tell my feelings to stop hurting so much,
tell my heart not to break.
Tell me that you can't live without me
the way I can't without you.
Tell me how much you still do love me
though I'll know it's not true....

I miss you in the morning, love
when the world is bright and new...
but that world will bring no joy,
because it brings no you.

I miss you in the daytime, love
where the sun beats heavy and hot...
but how can I find happiness there,
in a place where you are not?

I miss you in the evening, love
when darkness consumes the light...
and yet I see no pleasure in this,
because you're nowhere in sight.

I miss you in the mid-night, love
as the moon's silver light beams...
cold and alone I drift off to sleep,
and still, I miss you in my dreams~

I don't know why I miss you so much
for you always seemed to make me sad.
Yet I ache to feel the warmth of your touch
and I long for the love we once had.

I miss the taste of your soft, sweet kiss,
and feeling your lips touching mine.
I have never known desire like this,
so raw, so deep, so divine.

I miss your fingers, how they would tease,
and your strong arms, holding me tight.
I miss how you always aimed to please
on those many 'a sleepless night.

I miss how your eyes touched my soul,
how your smile melted my heart.
Without you, dear, I'm half of a whole,
and inside, I'm falling apart.

I miss the smell, so uniquely your own
that is now just a faded memory.
I miss the affection that once was shown,
I miss loving you, loving me.

I miss hearing your voice speak my name,
and the soothing, comfort it brought.
I wonder....sometimes, do you feel the same?
Or am I just a passing thought?

I miss what was my very best friend,
my partner in crime & lover, too.
And although our story has come to an end,
I can't help but still miss you...

It is always present
Dormant in my soul
Until it awakens
Seizing all control.
Crushing happiness
Infecting what's pure
Inflicting a pain
I've learned to endure.
Clouding thoughts
Enslaving my brain
Corrupting judgment
Till i feel I'm insane.
Stealing sunshine
Twisting my smile
Killing kindness
Leaving me hostile.
Ripping at my heart
With utmost aggression
It has awakened...
Hello again, depression.

I'm slipping, tripping-
forgotten how to stand.
Choking, drowning,
sinking like quicksand.

I'm aching, breaking-
feel my heart shatter.
Abusing, wasting,
this life, doesn't matter.

I'm failing, trailing-
always two steps behind.
Lying, cheating,
truth is vexing to find.

I'm choosing, losing-
decisions are always bad.
Longing, yearning,
for clarity I never had.

I'm falling, calling-
can no one hear me cry?
Dissolving, fading,
in the blink of an eye.

I'm waiting, anticipating-
the bottom can't be far.
Hoping, wishing,
on a lonely nights star.

I'm blending, pretending-
smiles mask the pain.
Begging, pleading,
for a day without rain.

A broken face
yet the hate 
remains. 
Countless reflections-
self inflections
of pain.
Razor sharp
jagged shards-
my soul...
shattered apart
reckless heart-
no control.
But burning tears
can't hide
what I see... 
in that broken face-
the disgrace 
in me....

Where are you going
my little one...
my precious son?
Why are you taking
my baby from me?

Close my eyes
and you're two...
Close my eyes
and you're four...
Close my eyes
and you're walking
right out of the door.

Where are you going
my little one...
my precious son?
You just keep growing
too quickly for me.

Close my eyes
and you're eight...
Close my eyes
and you're ten...
Close my eyes
and I just want
to hold you again.

Where are you going
my little one...
my precious son?
You've no way of knowing
how proud you make me.

Close my eyes
you're in school...
Close my eyes
and you're grown...
Close my eyes
and you're a father
precious son of your own.

my ***** secret
moral intoxication...
addicted to him

I truly do wish
I could be more like you,
to live life without regret.
Won't you teach me
how to do as you do?
I promise to never forget...
First, clarify
just how to fake love
so others see it as real.
Then drain my soul
until it's void of
any feelings it may feel.
Instruct my heart
how not to break,
and like yours, turn to stone.
I'd never know loss
with nothing at stake;
I'd never be hurting alone.
Now demonstrate how
to walk out and leave
without ever saying goodbye.
Do disclose how
you so easily deceive...
teach me just how to lie.
Train my eyes
to shed no more tears;
reveal where pain should hide.
Then teach me how
to confine my fears,
keeping them all locked inside.
I must know how
to ignore the lust
found in a passionate kiss.
Then un-teach my mind
the meaning of trust
so I'll never again feel like this!
Now explain how
I can forget our love,
make me believe it wasn't true.....
And then when I master
all the above,
then, I will be more like you.

beyond the happiness, beyond the saddness
somewhere out there amidst the madness
within the shadows and depths of black
beyond the point of no turning back
where all hope and dreams are lost
into the bitter and lightless frost
feeling nothing & loving no one
finally hitting the very bottom
battered a tattered soul lies
and all alone it slowly dies
innocence wasted away
happiness gone astray...
what have i become?
nothing, just numb.

Love me not for what you see, my dear,
or for that which you can touch & hold.
For I'm not immune to the wrath of time,
one day I too will be old...  
My mahogany locks will turn to gray
and my youthful glow will have faded.
My vibrant smile, like a flower, will wilt,
and once sparkling eyes will seem jaded.
My skin may look like an ill-fitting suit,
and gravity will cease to be a friend.
Wrinkles will devour my pretty face,
good looks just a memory, in the end....
So love me not for what you see, my dear
let what is unseen be why.
Love beyond what you can touch & hold,
for one day my beauty will die.

Forgotten flower
silently wilts -
May you have sweet dreams.

Sometimes I forget
how innocent you still are.
With the soul of an angel,
you're my shining star.
As sweet as pure sugar
with a heart made of gold.
A miniature miracle
for my arms to hold.
Your purity and hope,
your limitless dreams...
Sometimes I forget
what being a child really means.
So live wild and carefree
and sing your heart out!
Laugh till your tummy hurts,
feel happiness throughout!
Dance like no ones watching,
let nothing dim your view...
Sometimes I forget
to let you, just be you.
So, on those bad days
when I'm grumpy or mad,
if I say, "knock that off!!"
and it makes you sad...
Just remember, I love you,
more then words can ever say!
For you are the sunshine
that brightens my every day-

Sometimes I forget...

I don't think this is my life
it seems more like a nightmere!
But when I rub my blurry eyes
I just can't make it disappear...
I used to feel the warm sunshine
now I am blinded by its light.
I used to lay my head to sleep
now days just bleed into night.
There was a time I always laughed
now it hurts my face just to smile.
I know I used to be someone,
but no one's seen her in awhile.
I remember I was once in love
and the soothing, comfort I felt.
Now I'm just mad....mad at the world
for the ****** up hand I was dealt.
I think I remember carefree days,
that was back when I had friends.
Living life just for tomorrow,
now I can't wait till my life ends.
I know I used to be truly happy
now I hide behind a mask of cheer...
I guess this really is my life
I'm just living a nightmere.

40 years on earth
Still can't seem to find my place...
When can I go home?

Sunlight gleaming...
golden glimmer-
dragonflies flutter...
iridescent shimmer.

Winter fading...
new life showing-
winds of change...
gently blowing.

Wrapped in warmth...
springs embrace-
rays of happiness...
dance on my face!

Blue skies, butterflies...
distant laughter-
dandelions & dreams...
chasing after.

Sleepy sidewalks...
sprinkled in pink-
yesterdays blossoms...
gone in a blink.

Amethyst, fuchsia...
apricot, blush-
masterpiece sky...
mother natures brush.

Willows weeping...
growing shade-
crickets singing...
twilight serenade.

Black & blue...
glitter star-shine-
thieves of day...
criminals benign.

Cheshire moon...
grinning hello-
darkness falls...
sunlight must go.

Whispering winds...
beyond breezing-
snow falls down...
blowing, freezing.

Loneliness aids...
tedious crying-
living, hating...
loving, dying.

Pale skies...
winter showing-
devours sunlight...
shadows growing.

Fate it lurks...
quietly calling-
screaming, running...
whispering, falling.

Leaves chasing...
nature stealing-
bitter flurry....
whipping, reeling.

Rain dropping...
falling, streaming-
whims, wishes...
foolishly dreaming.

Nights so cold...
never warming-
nightmares, you...
ever swarming.

Dwindling light...
dying within-
darkness falls...
on a heart of sin.

I try so hard
to do it all,
I try to measure up
to your standards.
I've done the best
that I know how,
but I guess my best
just isn't enough
for you.

I've compromised...
...I didn't do it right.
I've sacrificed...
...I didn't do enough.
I've given everything
that I have to give,
but I guess my all
just isn't enough
for you.

I'm losing my will.
I've lost all pride.
I've forgotten how
lovely it feels
being happy...
But you don't care.
Why would you?
I don't mean enough
to you.

Maybe if I try harder,
and break a little more...
Maybe one day
I will be enough
for you.

It's my best friend,
and my nightmere-
it's all that I love
and everything I fear.
It's my fulfillment,
my bottomless sorrow-
bringing dark thoughts
of no tomorrow.
It's my strength,
my greatest plight-
this evil addiction
I try to fight.
It's my oblivion,
my heartbreaking pain-
a toxic cloud
that's killing my brain.
It's my protection,
my paranoid lies-
the Devil himself
in crystal disguise.
It's my sanity,
my endless strife-
this methamphetamine
destroying my life.
It's my reality,
my make-believe bliss-
I just never imagined
I would end up like this....

Tear drops falling
drowning in sorrow
wipe away each one for me~
Just keep me laughing
today....tomorrow
spare me form this misery~

YOU hurt me in ways
like no one else before,
cutting me deep-
right down to the core.

YOU beat me up
without lifting a hand,
reminding me exactly
where I stand.

YOU love to **** with me
building my hopes-
making me the ****
of all of your jokes.

YOU shove your money
and life in my face,
finding it funny
that my life's a disgrace.

YOU give me your love
just to rip it away-
an unworthy pawn
in the game you play.

YOU think that I'm ugly
I'm well aware,
to all the others
I just don't compare.

YOU treat me like I'm
a worthless ****,
barely good enough
for you to ****.

YOU boldly look me
straight in the eyes
and feed me so many
******* lies.

But please don't stop,
I love it this way!
Choking on every
cruel word you say....

For I am too spineless
to ever stand tall,
and I'd rather feel pain
then nothing at all.

i know heartache
but this.....is more
painful punishment
never felt before...
a ruthless torment
my heart blighted
damage derived from
love, unrequited

I am warmhearted and icy cold,
with a pretty face that's getting old.
I am fragile yet tough as a man,
struggle thru life with no real plan.
I am petite and cuss like a trucker,
slightly naive, but I'm no sucker.
I am a sinner with a halo of gold,
an open book with secrets untold.
I am a hypocrite but always play fair,
a bleeding heart and I don't care.
I am a mother who acts like a child,
crazy, impatient and easily riled.
I am spontaneous and I am a bore,
forever forgiving, I still keep score.
I am unstable and wonderfully wise,
a ****** deviant in sweet disguise.
I am creative and self-destructive
naturally skilled and unproductive.
I am shy and I am outspoken
with a heart of glass, easily broken.
I am awkward and well refined,
lost, insightful and a little love-blind.
I am respected and I am addicted
shamed by burdens, self inflicted.
I am a perfectionist and I am a slob,
unbiased and shallow, an inept snob.
I am nocturnal, a creature of night,
blissfully ignorant, typically right.
I am cautious and I have no fear,
a loser and quitter, still I persevere.
I am brilliant and easily amused,
over-zealous and under-enthused.
I am impervious with wounds to heal,
a habitual liar just keepin' it real.
I am witty and weird and mean-
I am what I am.......100 Aileen.

I've decided I'm through
I simply want out,
please give back to me
my life.

What I'm saying is true
I have no doubt,
I never want to be
your wife.

You've caused me much pain
given me such grief,
you alone have broken
my heart.

Things will never be the same
I now live in disbelief,
as promises you've spoken
fall apart.

I've taken all a woman can
of your heartless ways,
as my single remaining dream
has died.

You insecure and selfish man
with your jealous craze,
You're not at all what you seem,
you lied.

I gave to you, my everything
it was never enough,
always wanting much more
from me.

I can not go on pretending
so I call my own bluff,
what tomorrow has in store,
I'll see.

In this relationship I only gave
never once did receive,
the sweet love and attention
I deserved.

I will not be your heart's slave
so today I must leave,
this hateful facility of detention....
time served!

window panes in the dark
secrets locked within...
twisted whispers whirl about
dance the dance of sin.
broken mirror on the floor
yesterdays hope reflected...
dreams dangle from a noose
forbidden love rejected.
cinders pop beneath the hearth
vacant words to vapor...
crimson color stealing sight
blood of her hearts *****.
nevermore she softly sung
while razor slipped into flesh...
pleads for help screamed unheard
as body made final thresh.

end.