Today I wrought a terrible thought,

I imagined
cutting pain tracks
underneath eyes
so that tears
sting
with salt.

Grievous Assualt

I'm not sure which is the worst
That I thought it
Or that I sought it

It's taken me a while to realise
But simple doesn't always mean happy
Back then was simple,
We were simple.
Two in love
The other two in lust
It was nothing to make a fuss about
But we were simple
Because the rest of my life was complex
So
You were my escape route
And together we made a distraction
Just big enough to stop a ****
And together we helped to map out
My naked body
Which, before you, I didn't think anybody could want.
You made a tangled mind feel
Simple.

And now that part of me is complex
I've lost that group
That laughter
That lightness
But, what I have now,
Who I have now,
What it's made me
I wouldn't switch it for the world.
And
That choice is simple.

Do you have any idea what I go through?
You don't, and I
know you don't, because I never tell you.

Ever wondered why?

I have what seems like a million stacks
of paper pressing on my chest, and
all the ****** memorised facts
are fighting in my head, compressed, I
feel a bit dead. What this person said, what
that person said, my eyes aren't green
anymore, they're red,
and yellow,
and pink,
a highlighters tint tattooed into
my neural net, yet I don't feel
confident enough to bet it won't
wash off.
Yet each morning I still
brush off my shroud of too
little sleep, because I can't fall asleep
when I'm alone and when I'm sad I
moan to shadowy paving stones, as I
walk a march to the station to
and fro, and I secretly wonder, "does
it even matter where I go?", and every day
I'm just that little bit more slow, still keep
counting chances in my head, but when I
dance my heart can still
hear the lead I left at the
side, which resides with me
now.
I fall asleep on textbooks and
I wonder how this
became the focal point of
my existence, every now and
then it meets my resistance but
every time I squash it down, I wish
I dreamed of the crown of
innocence that once brushed upon
my head, but now I feel I'm guilty
instead, because every smile
is a second wasted. Instead I
dream of
paper,
and death,
and funerals.
And I watch as the
ones I love are lost, I
can't remember the
last time one of my dreams
was soft.
I can't remember.
This sacrifice isn't small, I haven't
actually listed much of my fall, but the
tallest order of all isn't even the
grades I must get if I can
finally submit to the
fact that I might be
worth it.
I'm leaving the first person I
have ever romantically loved
to do so, and just the idea
bruises my bones,
because, at the same time
as being miserable, mad, and
sad,
he has helped me be the most
happy, no more, filled, complete,
as I have ever been.
I have thrown my soul at
his feet, and he has
kissed it.
And if I leave him, I will miss
it, a part of me I finally found, will
resound like a long forgotten
tune, my new found flower
unknowing where to bloom.
He has not made it easy, I have
watched him torture, hate, and cry
to himself, I have watched him
wish himself past help.

I will always have her, nothing
can ever take her, she
is me.

But he,
he makes me fear the breeze.

I love you too, but if you think you
see a brick wall then you obviously
haven't looked to see how tall
it is,
I've run out of bricks.
All that are left are sticks,
feel free to scratch in an "You
owe me" but, you see, my perceived
"cracks" have triumphed, I'm
sorry to be the bearer of true news.
I'm sorry I can't sit up with you,
I have in the past.
I'm sorry I can't right now panic for you,
I have in the past.
I'm sorry I can't listen right now,
but I have,
multiple times in the past.

So leave a message after the
tone, and I'll get back to you
when you want a wall to moan at.

Maybe I'll chuck you a brick?

(p.s sorry if this was too "emotionless")

Say my name
no better
pant it
I was infancy until
you sank your lips
onto mine
possess me
climb me down the evolutionary ladder
turns out it's better to
be primal than to be
sophisticated
oh I'm wasted
in your breath
in your stench
I'm drunk on your
wetness
ethonol
a drug
but we haven't drunk
or eaten together before
so now we're rabid
and
ravenous

Why would you ever go back?

I'd walk to you if I could
I'd wear down my heels until I'd bleed
I'd tear down mountains in my wake

Lover lost in the past
If I could just eat your laugh
I would never need food again
Nor would I fear starvation and death
For my life would be wholesome
and succulent.

*******
Mentioning
My
Room
I throw the clothes one by one
into the gloom of the
chest of
drawers
Allowing myself only a pause
to gather a little claw of rage again to fold
and hold
Resolve

Stop talking about my room
Consider this topic
closed

Just how my door will be
In future.

Emptiness* again,
Unable to find my way back
to emotion.
Alone
Unheard moans
Mentality ripped in my mind
Unable to find a single shred
of hope
Utter Fear
of the Sea's Noose and Rope
looking *inviting

Always there
Always lapping
Always waiting

I basked in the womb of a female's
*choice

because I'm only meant to look like a ****
I shouldn't have any of the fun
you ******* me with your eyes
is what you think my monogamy should be
Locked up wankbank
you want a photo of me playing with
a key

**Have a stop

And I never told Mum
Gaping blonde, **** and teeth
***
He'd won
I'd never tell, not now, not then,
not anyone.

He asked if I wanted to see his "wake-up call"
I was to young to understand the pull of
the nakedness of women
Didn't know what I was viewing
Didn't know what he did
For so long I was unaware
Repression's glare
I didn't want to remember

And he was so ashamed
Told me the next day he'd deleted it
Removed the stain on his hard drive, the first ***** photo
etched in my head. What is said
and seen, will always
be recalled

I should be appalled

But I'm haunted instead by the question
What the hell was going on in his head

Instead of anger
Awareness
and dread, because I hate
the way he messed with my
head.

To make you want to live
Riding the slipstream of your thoughts
I always have to find one more fight to give

Reason's proffered up to your knife blow
Tide lapping at my feet
As I will the World not to let
you go

Don't let fragments fall or soar
I need more
to be alive
I need more than just
to survive

But your needs
Eclipse
My own.

Again.

When did feminism become a taboo?
When did equality become uncool
Men not superior to females
Us not superior to them too.
When did I become the taboo?
When did this become uncool.

So I wish we are all square and blue
true, it'd make dating difficult
but what'd you do,
you'd talk to people
true
*** would be awkward
too angles
too many rights
won't create create the sweetest wrong
but at least we'd break the taboo

No colour
No gender
No looks
apart from the individuals descriptions

Believe: I am female
I am male
without doing a cursory glance up
and down
believe: I am intelligent
I am creative
without checking my pigment or
my ****

because I am done with it
I am tired non-acceptance
Snap decisions
Stubborn judgements

it's nothing personal

No, you made it personal
You stole a personality
Smeared it
Said it was wrong
Said I didn't belong.

So I wish we were square and blue
No stereotypes
No stigmas
No ***
cos maybe we don't deserve it yet.
If all we see are
pigment
genitals
and stereotypes.

I hate you, I wish you were Dead
**** me
**** me, please
**** me
You have something to live for, I
Do Not.
**** me!
Put a pillow over my face and smother me
It would be so easy
cries
Please. Please, **** me.

Do you have any heroine?
You will never be enough
You will never be enough to
make me happy
No one will.

A girlfriend who's doing way better who he'll lose or end up sponging off of
No Friends
Can't Die
Nothing
I could stand in the street and punch myself until everything bleeds, you wouldn't stop me
I could invite you over and stab myself
You would do nothing.

You popular *****
How are you going to last
without alcohol?

Didn't realise I was that far down the list
Nice.

You will never understand

You will never understand how
it feels to be alone with your
thoughts
All alone.
I just want someone to care
for me.

I could slit my wrists in front of you,
I don't think you'd care. I don't think
you'd do a thing.
If I died, you'd probably move on in
a couple of days.
You will always find someone to care
for you
Nobody cares for me.

Die.
Remember this conversation.
*******.
Have a ******* good time
I hate you.

I wish I were ******* dead
And I wish you would
******* die.

Aisling.
I'm done.
I'm going to slit my wrists
I'm going to hang myself
I'm going to walk into the sea
I'm going to overdose
Hopefully suffer a heart attack and explode
It doesn't matter
I don't believe you
I'm going to **** them
I'm going to **** them all
Stab them
Shoot them
Beat them to death
Nothing you can do
I just want it all to end

I'm going to make them disappear,
I've done it before.

Have you ****** someone else? It
felt like there was more room in
there.
I feel like you don't want me to
touch you anymore.
I don't want you to touch me.
You only get Freshers' flu if you've
been ******* someone.
You want a hug?
Sure you don't need a safe word?


Do you hate me
Do you hate me
Do you hate me
I bet you hate me
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
Take a ****** joke
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
You aren't the same
I want you to be with me
Not like this.
Sorry I've been angry
I can't really stand talking
to you

I didn't mean it;
I was high
I was drunk
I was angry
I wasn't me

I'm a horrible person
I'm a ****
I'm a ****
I'm a liar
I'm an idiot

You're going to leave me
Do you want me to leave?
Shall I leave?

Hold me
Spoon me
Give me a hug

I love you
**I love you too

I was more than this

More than the sieved shelled
husk in a hallway
Waiting for relatives to
scavenge fragmented
memories

More than the salted sinner
deserving of slaughter
Further than the fear in
my shivers as I stared down
a bullet; and lost.

More than just a media martyr
A way to sell papers
A symbol of massacre
Emotional wankery; societies comfort

That isn't me

I am more than just bravery
I am not merely someone's
More than a parent
More than a child
More than a hero
More than a minute of silence

I was my own.

A scribble;
Hobbies, Quirks, Tics,
Snarks, Anger, Laughter, Tragedy,
Sexuality, Inside Jokes,
Embarassment

I was secrets, that no-one else will
ever know.
I am secrets locked inside a rotting mass
I am forgotten; because I can no longer remember.

A stockpile of emotion,
reduced to a photo,
and the title of 'victim'
'hero'
'martyr'
'missed'

Today I am 2D
Today I 'RIP' Remembered

Tomorrow, I hope to be real
and forgotten

Tomorrow, I hope to have
**lived

Our noses touch,
But we mustn't kiss.
It doesn't matter;
This is still bliss
You remind me
Of Security I've missed.
Maybe someone likes
Me after all?

And, I wish this hold
Could last a year.
I wish I wouldn't just
Return to fear
For now, I make you
Lend an ear;
So, I can whisper in it
Nothings for the night.
Pray the curtains won't
Let in the light.

In case you disappear like
Star light in the sun

Can't bear to think reality has won.

So, we stay in pause,
Your breath on my lips
Instead of a kiss.
Never missed if it
Never happened.

Loosen up your anchor chain
You're reducing me to
Bubbles

Emptied out the suitcase of my thoughts
I'm kinda tired of lugging them around
Searching for a place to just feel sore
Without some ******* telling me
To flip my smile around

If I could? Don't you think I would?
If I could just blank out the bullcrap of today
If I could? You bet I would.
Funnily ******* enough, things don't quite work that way.

Wiping away the scratchmarks of the day
With the antiseptic wipe of yet another pill

To erase, a half prayer that I
could peel off my face.
Hoping my mind would die inside
So I could rebuild, start to replace, the
memory within my fingertips
Of your missing pulse
The way your eyes screamed
contention, and the
sight of your bodies post-
mortem convulse,

I want that to stop
Still

Smash in every clock, for
when Time doesn't link us, why should
I hark to a ticking that
slices at a life
already half empty, rather
than half full

Keep topping myself up with ethanol
Central Nervous System policing
the cheat, puncturing my
sockets to free the
holograms of happy memories,
in a silver stream

No substance left now that it's
tainted
No substance strong enough to take
this pit away

Shovel thrown away, but never
clean, bones and teeth,
muscles oiled and lean,
cling to the metal of
my mouth.
All eyes drawn south, because
dust always draws flies

Like the worm trodden mess
of your thighs

And the way I can still feel
you on my breast

Like a coffin's weight
I bare you

Never at rest
Always a race

Perhaps I'd find peace if I tore off my face.

I write, but it all seems pointless
Disjointed,
Useless, and Dejected.

This way of expression I created
Has seemed to still and stopper
A Goner.

Done for. Finished.
I used to relish the kiss of
inspiration and entanglement
into something that seemed purer
than myself

Now, my words dust on a shelf
Inspiration strikes and snaps;
disjointed and useless.

Sapped.
I find myself writing for a voice
, and musical ability, which
I do not possess

I pray I will be able to pick up a pen soon
And write away this uselessness.

Instead it's earned, like a payment
plan. Every drop of sand quickened or slowed
with actions, words and loans of health.
Death is the epitome of stealth
So far away when young, yet the last
lap of it, you run,
It's breath on the nape of your neck
Like scorch marks, track marks
The ****** skid marks of a life too short, yet too
long, yet too unexplained, yet too peaceful, yet
too daring yet-
Everything.

Death is not something to steal, it is natures
to take.
Death's scythe is a rake for fallen souls
If I had time to learn every religion, I'd probably
believe them all
In the hope that penance is a myth.

If life is a gift, then
death is the end of the party.

Do not **** others, for that would be taking cake
that is not yours.

and do not **** yourself, your life is not your
own to take.

But, take solace, Death will rake you soon enough, and
then, maybe only then, will you feel the regret of wishing away
a lifetime.

Do not steal
Do not ****
Do not scorn
The master of nature, which
must take us all.

Amen.

You start to taste with your eyes
The nights disguise of supposed peace
Hid release in Tarantula legs
Tarantula eyes
You feel like spiders are scuttling inside
scream, and only you will hear
peace is ceasing, peace is never near
steal a breath
steal a pill
Pray that you will
fall
into a beautiful abyss, no greater
release or escape than this;

A Sleep Successful

Pillows make a fort,
a duvet; a shield.
Limbs like a parachute
Keep your secrets close, and the
enemy of your mind closer,
Stronger
Longer

Sleep
Please, no oxygen, just in case
that helps them in.
Only heat

and the possibility of Sleep
*can bring hope now

Alright page…okay, fine, I admit it;
I've been avoiding you.

Your face, beautifully smooth and innocent, reminds
me I have yet to find the time to paint it…so:

I apologise,
to the eyes I should have coated in the eyeshadow of
romance (scorned, loved, lost, lived)
to the cheeks I should have blushed with eroticism
to the ears I should have punctured with anger and
passion and vanity
to the skin I should have smeared foundation over: covering
bad rhymes like concealer over spots (still there, just less obvious)
to the lips which I should have animated with laughter and
sarcasm.

I apologise,
to the body of the poem which never:
Felt the stanza of a corset
Felt the **** lace of an internal rhyme
Felt the bra of a title
Or the shimmering dress of a metaphor

Or the thrill of removing every last bit.

I've missed a million date nights, and I
want to try to fix it.

Please? Despite our marriage of minds, we have drifted, I'd like permission to take our hands on a date once more
Letting the wine of ideas pour between
Sighs of Sibilance
complete contentment

**Tasting the catharsis of your lips

Do you want me

"I want you if-"

no

not a bargain
not a condition
not a sub clause or by-clause easily broken

do you want me

Like a dying man wants to live
Like a mother would give herself for her child
Like a tiger threatened, turning from mild, smelling meat
Would you want me even if I were weak
And feeble
broken

Do you want me
Like a drowning sailor begs for air, lungs swimming, head boiling, the body knowing what it needs, but the brain bleeds confusion; a drowning sailors final ******, offered to the depths like a tribute, a lover's kiss: sorely missed, but it's taste forgotten.

Do You Want Me
Need Me

Tell me.

Or let me taste you next in the second circle of hell.

When I saw my bones
Protrude
From the knots of my back
Like the ridges of a dinosaur
Sapped of food, singed with
Stress
A childish distress
Fear darkness
Blankness
Terrifying emptiness
When I saw my back protrude like the
Ridges of a dinosaur
I saw my body dressed as the
Skeleton I will one day become
I saw a vessel controlling a brain
I felt like a bottle of tequila drained
Such fun until it's empty
Used to the tip of uselessness
When I saw my back protrude like dinosaur ridges, a skeleton
****
The most terrifying thing I felt when I saw my back protrude, like the dinosaurs I coveted when I was small,
The rudest thing I felt was

Satisfaction

With it all

I felt more beautiful than I ever had
Maybe
Ever will
Felt satisfied at the neatened carelessness I
Had almost used to **** myself
Satisfaction
That my body curved in
Only bones, no fat or muscle to
Hide the struts within
Revelled in the hunger in the pit of
Stomach because no one
Could control that but
Me
You can't fail at starvation

I loved it
For once I couldn't fail

When I saw my back protrude like a dinosaur
I knew I could never go there again

Because the living dead feel only
Hunger
Chest pains
And fatigue

And dinosaurs ate whenever the **** they wanted to

I'll tickle you
You'll probably get in 'a huff'
You'll give me a growl
Warn "That's Enough"

But you'll laugh as well though

So comfy I could finally sleep
A glowing trust that you'll keep
me deep in your patterned arms
So safe from harm
With you.

Held together better than glue
Sometimes you don't believe me
When I tell you "I'm so happy"

But around you
It's hard to be anything but

that.

and he is mine

Tentative praying
please let it all work out fine

*everything crossed