They only fade
Never die
Not until the day
We fly

Wouldn't it be great
if everyone was an open book?
no secrets to keep
everyone would feel free

if would be so much easier to find the one
because you wouldn't have to pretend to be
someone else because they would already
know everything about you

and love you anyway

i am part of a crazy family
and i refuse to believe that
i cant change them
i realize this is shocking, but
"i really love them"
is a lie, and
"they are not important in my life"
since now i have my priorities straight,
im more important than the rest of my family
its just cruel to think
i love them

Everyone has anger issues

Because anger is an issue

innocent as in not having done
not as in not having known
i always knew
and it made me sad
but know ive done
and i hate that im fine with it
not because its wrong
but because i am
and now i cant stop
im telling myself im above it all
but i know it rules over me
but thats fine
what is going on

If I could leave my consciousness
And travel across my heart
I would see every rock and every drop
As a work of art

At the beginning I might find
A fairly nuetral place
There's never sun and never rain
And too much empty space

But soon the journey isn't smooth
Rises and falls that you might call extreme
One moment snow, the next mad heat
The former like a dream

The next chapter is more puzzling
So many routes to choose
Along one road I gained so much
The other had much to lose

At the end I saw a mountain wall
Streching as far as east to west
I knew I had to climb it
And at the top let my feet rest

When I finally turned around
I could see all the places I'd been

But then I tripped and fell off the edge

*Since then I have not been seen

how many faces have passed by
i can not count

what each face's life was like
i cannot tell

but i can imagine

what a privilege to be amongst so many
intricate lives

but they don't see me
or remember me

but that is perfect
i like it that way

not about me

im a bench sitter
a face rememberer
a open eyer
life ponderer

a people watcher

As I watch the world being help captive by dreams that can never be fulfilled in this life, chasing the darkness and everything that surrounds all the emptiness hidden inside. Well I won't stop showing this hope that is holding this passion so deep in my heart to tell all the world of Your love and affection and the plan that You've had from the start. So I will continue to fight, until the world comes alive.

                                                                           - Jeremy Camp

fall back into the midnight grass
where are you?....... it doesn't matter
lie still as your luminescent irises reflect
glittering pinpoints in the night sky
graph them all in your gridded mind
a glorious correlation of novas and dark mist
calculations in the cold
PAIN as a star explodes spontaneously
light years away, undetectable
to most
but PAIN ONLY PAIN as your lungs…
they explode inside you
an unpredictable gone unmeasured.
your frozen head falls
90 degrees
shattered cochlea inches off of holy ground

flashbacks to pjs and long drives
bleached blonde hair and big blue eyes
sad little sunsets hidden behind crumbling houses
made the stratospheric masterpieces that we stumbled across
as we grew up and traveled farther
all the more stunning
we never talked about them though
just trusting that the other treasured them as much as you did
i never doubted that those sunsets were still hidden
in the caverns of your big, odd, heart
now its not just your heart thats big
look at you, so tall in the crowd
walking... somewhere, anywhere, who knows
certainly not you :)
your head high, eyes to the sky
or wherever, anywhere but down
that was never you, you never looked down
except at me, when i would lay on the floor of your room
and giggle when you'd snort
and your goofy laugh
no wonder im out of sorts
i loved that floor
it was always there for me to sit on while you sunk into your bed
i just miss your eyes on me, no thoughts behind them
it was just our moment to sit in the sibling-ness of it all
now we run but i miss when we crawled
we'd stress about the crazy week coming up
but i could never cry in your room
except for that one time
but that wasnt your real room, just your dorm
the dorm with the door
the closed one
that i just stood and stared at for a little bit
like it had slammed on me
and my throat closed
and i choked for a second because i thought
"i hope theres a window in there"
"so he can see the sunsets...
... and maybe remember me"
just maybe
i cried because i wasnt sure
i doubted that you would remember me
that you would remember those sunsets
i doubted they were still shining in you
i want to say that mine are still shining bright
but you dont ever call
and when i call youre only half there
and i understand that where you are is so much better
than where i am
but i still want you here
on your floor
your old floor
where i giggle
but theres no laugh
where theres a sun
but no beautiful light
not anymore

Those Girls Who

wear too much make up
spit when they talk
think flirting will get them somewhere
complain about everything
lie, gossip, cheat
take too many selfies, then edit them until you can't tell what you are looking at
only care about what they're saying
have no clue what personal space is
live at Starbucks
know who your crush is, then take him away
say they don't judge, but are always silently judging
say they hate drama, then go kiss their friends date
laugh at their own jokes
laugh at old folks
chat during sad parts in movies
read your texts but never text back
and can't read your face when you're too sad to speak

Death was one foot away
until she hit the brakes

Death was one car horn away
until she hit the breaks

Death was one small scream away
until she hit the breaks

Death was whispering my name
but she hit the brakes

so so soon
well be together
staring at the stars and moon
and dreaming about forever

I am the Child playing in the puddles
made by the stale water
dripping from the castle walls
covered with moss and grime

I've memorized the rooms inside
and I still play inside them
even though there is only one object of worth
amongst the cobwebs and ancient wax

A shattered mirror
with half the shards scattered on the floor
I found a boy inside those shards
The perfect one for me

I also found a girl
***** and free
the complete opposite of the boy
who stares back at me

after sitting in that room alone
examining the glass
I'll wander down the silent, mournful halls
and wish that my life was different

that I had hope
and love somewhere out there
waiting for me
maybe my boy in the mirror
or maybe it will always be
*just me

Darkness

That's all there is in this world

False teachers
False preachers
False call-themselves-believers

Have no idea how discouraged anyone else is

When they try to force them to confess and repent

As if oppression is how you give light to someone

In a world of only

Darkness

Where are words
do they rest on wings of soaring birds
are they underneath the willow tree
of which i've so often heard

who can say where they may hide
must i travel far and wide
till i finally find the words and tunes
that deserve to be sung to you

where
where are words

My P.E. log
blank and white
Represent the days
that i exercised
Ate chocolate instead, chilled out in my bed
and watched Netflix
Instead of going outside

puppet

1 thing
2 say
3 words
4 you

*i love you

He sat inside his shopping cart
underneath his favorite tree
As a pine needle fell by his head
He thought about how
Christmases used to be

The Christmas tree decorated
with tinsel, ornaments, and candy canes
And Christmas morning discovering bright packages
filled with little toy planes

But he snapped back to reality
away from memories too painful to recall
so he gathered up the plastic bags
and slept amongst them all

I hate it how
I only thankYou
And acknowledge You
When everything is great

What happened to dedication?

You don't know my whole story
You don't know my whole life
You think you can control my mind
But no one can control my thoughts
You can try to build up walls around me
But they will crumble the second they feel my rage

we sat together
in a nothing-special parking lot
in your rusty red pontiac
staring at a white picket fence
contemplating whether we should drive right through it
and out into the real world
a world full of love, pleasure excitement
but not without the loss, pain, and down times
but we wanted all of it
we want all of it
because its better than this, this sitting and waiting
abiding by the clock, our parents, our dresscode, our reputations

i love you for sitting there with me
while i cried and laughed at the same time
you magnified the light at the end of the tunnel
and i never want you to leave because you are the little bit of spontaneity i have left

Why do we run until we collapse,
only to look in the mirror and tell ourselves we need to do it all again?

Why do we ace all the tests,
only to call ourselves stupid and put ourselves down?

Why do so many people call us beautiful,
but we can't help but compare ourselves to the magazines once again?

We are all Jars of Clay, sculpted by God's own hands. In our brokeness, the light shines through.

I know I'm almost gone
and i really don't care

I know I'm fading away
but that's totally fine

walking through life with your head down
gets boring after a while

Im too much of a mess
i've always known it
but i guess
i was just avoiding it
because no one has offered
to hold my hand
for me
when it feels heavy

Cause we gotta
Keep driving down the highway     Even if the pavement's old
Get our toes a little wet     Even if the water's cold
Get a running start
And don't stop sprinting until the end

That's how we learn not to break     But bend

Someone asked if I miss you.
I didn't answer.
I closed my eyes and walked away
and whispered, "so much"

The hotel window is dark now
It used to be full of life
Now the honking horns just scare me
The shadows run away as if they too
are scared

Now
My only entertainment
Is hopping over cracks
in the pavement
on the path to
Death

when will i stop making mistakes
the ones that ache
the ones that break
the hearts of others
that heart of yours
that scars
when you think of the hate
that you have for this world
and for fate
which a given you a hand of cards
that is the reason for most of your mistakes
when you meet someone
and decide not to fake it
but then they see your mistakes
and decide to make
them larger than life
because your life is so small
so very small and it hurts to realize
that you don't mean as much
to the person you love
to the person you trust
as you thought
as you ought
to mean
your sadness makes
you make mistakes
that ache
that break
the hearts of others
your heart that hates
and makes mistakes

You know you are dying*

when

music no longer brings you joy

sunsets dont make you smile

you give no thought to a rainbow

and pushing yourself isn't worthwhile

when

a survivor's beautiful story

doesn't make you cry

and nothing comes out of your mouth

but lies

when

your tears are redder than your eyes

you scream so loud but no one hears

and you could fill the deepest pit

with half of all your fears

i might kiss someone
i dont know who, when
but i know its coming
and i know youll be watching
because youre too supportive to let a grudge keep you from expressing your love
and ill regret kissing someone
ill see your deep eyes out there in the crowd
trying to appreciate the art through the heartbreak
and ill regret it

i could just go downstairs
look you in the eyes
and open my mouth
smile, speak, anything
i could just get next to you
and sit down in triumph
for having proved myself wrong
and have a conversation
about anything you want
i could just get my nose
out of my book
tearing my eyes away from the words
that offer me an excuse to be alone
and show you that i know
youre more important
i could prove to myself that i am STRONG
and i CAN try
i could just try...
just...
but i dont.
instead
im sitting in the dark
(i cant see anything)
eating mac n cheese
and thinking about how much i want you
alone with my
comfort food and comfort thoughts
because i could and i should but i cant
......but im deseperate...

my room is perfect
just me, my plants, and my lasagna.
the perfect song plays in the background and i hear footsteps up the stairs
normally i can tell who it is by the way it sounds
but i dont recognize the rhythm
huh. weird.
just as im wiping sauce off my face i look up
ohmygoditsyouandyourestandingrightthereohmygodyourelookingatm­e
and at the delicious red mess all over my face.
a million questions race through my head:
why is he here
why is he just standing there
why is he smiling
why wont he look away from me
"that smells really good"
what the heck does that mean
quick, say something cute!!!!
"ha yah its my favorite"
i said cute, you idiot, what the **** was that
p.s. dont forget to breathe
"can i come in? your room is really cool..."
he walks in and looks around.
ohmygodhesinmyroom
"thanks. its like my little bubble of peace and good vibes and contentment..."
stop rambling
"thats cool. woah... theres like, plants everywhere"
"yah, i really like plants. how theyre so green and how they grow..."
he looks at me.
ohmygod he thinks im a total ******
"theyre everywhere... its really beautiful"
he looks at me.
BREATHE
"so what are you doing here?"
"I was just on my way to work and passed by and, well..."
he looks down, blushes and smiles. he looks up at me.
"i saw your light was on, so i figured id say hi. and ive... never actually seen your room before so..."
I smile at him, and for once, my mind is quiet.
"i should go. ill be late..."
he turns to leave.
"hey, thanks for stopping by! its so nice to see you..."
silence. eye contact.
offer to-
"do you want some lasagna? you know, to take with you?"
-or that
he smiles and laughs. my heart swells.
"that's okay. but-"
i smile again.
"could i come by for dinner sometime?"
YES YES YES YES-
i say calmly, "of course. stop by anytime"
silence. more eye contact.
"bye"
"see you soon"
...
*AAAAHHHGGGKJLKJDLIIXB

"Can i ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"You have to answer honestly."
"Okay."
"Really."
"Alright."
pause
"Am i pretty?"
long pause
looks at ground
"Im sorry! You told me to answer honestly!"
"Im not mad. Thank you."
"Why?"
"Because all my life i have been telling myself that i am pretty. And i needed to hear the truth over my own lies. i needed to wake up. so thank you."

the funny thing about futures
is that theyre hazy with trials
but at the same time so clear, you can see it for miles
can riddle you with excitement, all the way down to your core
and render you helpless in a panic attack on the floor
brighten your day
send tears down your face
wrap you in assurance and plans
look big and scary and tell you "you cant"
be the sense behind your choices
be the source of all the inside voices
be the reason you blossom into a beautiful self
or your legacy will be another unread book on the shelf

miscommunication
pent up tension
my sadness, your madness
and now I'm here
criss crossed on the concrete
so cold it stings
scraping my mistake off your precious stones

mom i know i can never make you understand but right now please just hold my hand

its dark and soft, everywhere
danger and comfort coexisting around me
and i am tucked away in the latter
invader, middleground, muddled mind
i turn my head and there is a spear of light
two
they glow, ******* up the life and eminating pain
restriction and aggrivation
the clunk, clunk of metal and rubber
breath caught, eyes fixed
fateful and stunning, slender silver
i hate them but i cant move without them
the sheets lose their softness, my middleground slips away
i cant go back to sleep
2:08 am

i used to slam her behind her back
i used to think it all so unjust
the things she'd say, make me do
simply cruel

time+curiosity+willingness+regret= wisdom

im so sorry for everything ive said before
things you should know
but ill never tell you
i think i understand now
with the help of E and M
how she acts
the awful things she says

theyve helped me see who i used to be
but i think/hope ive changed

research claims
that everyone needs at least 12 meaningful touches a day
just a touch that says "i see you"
"thank you" "i love you" "i missed you"
...
and living in a world where we go out of our way
to avoid meaning and intentionality
no wonder we feel lonely so much of the time
3 billion people
living a state of inpenetrability
believing that no one wants to touch them
fearing to reach out themselves
its a cycle of depravation
and its so so sad