you feel so far away
what changed
we used to go for weeks, just texts
its strange
now i ache after an afternoon
knowing youre states away
not safe
for me to feel this way
ill work on being fine
instead of convincing myself that my state is fine

1 thing
2 say
3 words
4 you

*i love you

research claims
that everyone needs at least 12 meaningful touches a day
just a touch that says "i see you"
"thank you" "i love you" "i missed you"
...
and living in a world where we go out of our way
to avoid meaning and intentionality
no wonder we feel lonely so much of the time
3 billion people
living a state of inpenetrability
believing that no one wants to touch them
fearing to reach out themselves
its a cycle of depravation
and its so so sad

They only fade
Never die
Not until the day
We fly

The little bit of time spent every morning, it was my treasure
when I think about the promises you made to me
You would come back

Rush out the door, onto another plane
The risk you took every time you woke up
You would come back

Stroke my hair, thought of me each time you were in the air
Grabbed my hand, kissed my lips, you said
You would come back

Thunderstorms, always I prayed, and hugged our picture frame
I felt you murmur, through all the noise
You would come back

The   only   promise   You   ever   broke

Because   You   didn't   come   back

If I could leave my consciousness
And travel across my heart
I would see every rock and every drop
As a work of art

At the beginning I might find
A fairly nuetral place
There's never sun and never rain
And too much empty space

But soon the journey isn't smooth
Rises and falls that you might call extreme
One moment snow, the next mad heat
The former like a dream

The next chapter is more puzzling
So many routes to choose
Along one road I gained so much
The other had much to lose

At the end I saw a mountain wall
Streching as far as east to west
I knew I had to climb it
And at the top let my feet rest

When I finally turned around
I could see all the places I'd been

But then I tripped and fell off the edge

*Since then I have not been seen

Everyone has anger issues

Because anger is an issue

I trust You've got a plan for me
but no matter how bad I want to see it form
into a life that's pleasing only
only to me

I'm gonna tell You that I believe
It's beyond my capacity
to understand the life You have
in store for me is pleasing

to You

I have a lot of kindness to share

I have so much love to give away

But if you don't want to take it- your loss

My pages may never have been turned, but I'm a Bestseller

"sorry to interrupt your alone time...
but heres cleaning stuff for the bathroom."

Far away, in long long while
We were held in Ecinxile
They tortured us
We screamed and cried
Traitors stole, or so they lied

Corruptness swept through castle grey
Always felt, but seen in haze
Longing for some kind of change
But no hope left among this age

No birds, no trees, no joy it seems
Can fill the void
That sadness leaves
Unactive stages never run
This tremor of death had begun

A lark inside the tallest tree
Keeps my heart under it's wings
Forever on goes your reply
So underneath this tree I lie

This ballad that I sing to you
Will always be fully true
I'm for you, and you for me
In sadness of this melody

For no one knows what life may bring
So all you can do is sing

All the creatures stop in quell
To listen to your feeble smell
Of all the fear down in your heart
Down, down in the deepest part

The moonlight yells,
The starshine screams
And tries to unknot the seams
Those tight seams divide in two
Your heart that won't give in to you

Though this song might never end
If you ever need a friend
The hope that never shows itself
Lives in your eyes, and there to help

Rebels are dreamers
Leaders are reformers
And dusty attic boxes are always full
Lovers are concealers
and Musicians are redeemers

I guess that makes me a
Believer

One day is fantastic
the mirror isn't lying
guitar is already in tune
and the clouds are done crying

But when the only friend I have
is the breeze that's fading quick
and the bars were raised
higher than I can jump

It's getting harder to make the choices
that will make my life
the best it can be

are at peace
for they know their beginning
unlike us
who run around on this earth
looking for answers
sure to yield a world of obscene and skillful vanity
once they are found
but the blue tides
come when called and leave when sent away
they have plenty of secrets
but are at peace
because for blue tides
truth is not a commodity

when will i stop making mistakes
the ones that ache
the ones that break
the hearts of others
that heart of yours
that scars
when you think of the hate
that you have for this world
and for fate
which a given you a hand of cards
that is the reason for most of your mistakes
when you meet someone
and decide not to fake it
but then they see your mistakes
and decide to make
them larger than life
because your life is so small
so very small and it hurts to realize
that you don't mean as much
to the person you love
to the person you trust
as you thought
as you ought
to mean
your sadness makes
you make mistakes
that ache
that break
the hearts of others
your heart that hates
and makes mistakes

Tried to be myself for one day
Also tried to be friendly

Which one? I can't do both

Death was one foot away
until she hit the brakes

Death was one car horn away
until she hit the breaks

Death was one small scream away
until she hit the breaks

Death was whispering my name
but she hit the brakes

Ramblers in the wilderness
We cant find what we need
Get a little restless from the searching
Get a little worn down in the swing
Like a bull chasing the matador
is a man left to his own schemes
Everbody needs someone beside 'em
shining like a lighthouse from the sea

                                             - NEEDTOBREATHE

"Can i ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"You have to answer honestly."
"Okay."
"Really."
"Alright."
pause
"Am i pretty?"
long pause
looks at ground
"Im sorry! You told me to answer honestly!"
"Im not mad. Thank you."
"Why?"
"Because all my life i have been telling myself that i am pretty. And i needed to hear the truth over my own lies. i needed to wake up. so thank you."

the walls are cement
they neutralize my soul
i need a buzz so **** bad
my phone is an empty hole
theres no light in it, or in me
i need your buzz so **** bad

Saddness ***** my voice out
Guilt steals my air
Tragedy poisens my tears
Because of Crying I no longer care

To sing is to laugh in a rhythm

To cry is to shed your laughter

But if you cannot laugh or cry,

can you still sing?

I am the Child playing in the puddles
made by the stale water
dripping from the castle walls
covered with moss and grime

I've memorized the rooms inside
and I still play inside them
even though there is only one object of worth
amongst the cobwebs and ancient wax

A shattered mirror
with half the shards scattered on the floor
I found a boy inside those shards
The perfect one for me

I also found a girl
***** and free
the complete opposite of the boy
who stares back at me

after sitting in that room alone
examining the glass
I'll wander down the silent, mournful halls
and wish that my life was different

that I had hope
and love somewhere out there
waiting for me
maybe my boy in the mirror
or maybe it will always be
*just me

dont judge someone because they sin differently than you
                        
                                      -anonymous

I hate it how
I only thankYou
And acknowledge You
When everything is great

What happened to dedication?

two catheters
one in each tender cavity
the bag held above my head by a dark
evil face, smiling, ready for destruction
fluids of fear
desire drips into the divet of my elbow
floods into my desperate body
what i would do to wrap these punctured arms around you
but for your sake i lay here
i must keep you away, let you go
i don’t deserve your love
i am a disappointment

"hon-"

"dont call me hon"

"okay im sorry. i know this makes you uncomfortable but its true and you cant keep running from it. you arent doing yourself any favors"

"and youre not doing me a favor either by confronting me"

"i know it doesnt feel like it hon, but-"

"dont call me hon"

"im sorry i just love you and you need to-"

"dont tell me what i need"

"If i cant tell you that you need to stop lying to yourself then you cant tell me to stop calling you hon"

"i hate you"

"well i love you, hon"

You know you are dying*

when

music no longer brings you joy

sunsets dont make you smile

you give no thought to a rainbow

and pushing yourself isn't worthwhile

when

a survivor's beautiful story

doesn't make you cry

and nothing comes out of your mouth

but lies

when

your tears are redder than your eyes

you scream so loud but no one hears

and you could fill the deepest pit

with half of all your fears

starting fights
spewing lies
more wrong is accepted as right
every second of my life

four hands
held firmly
over the eyes of my heart
"no, dont look.
the world out there is scary"
"no"
i say from underneath their palms
"your just scared of what will happen
once ive seen it"
in the silence i hear their thoughts:
"she'll run
of course she'll run"
i smile
"of course ill run"

If I were a bird,
I would sing
as proof that I am free

If I were a bee
I would buzz all day
and you would see that I am free

If I were a tree
I would grow bright and green
so you could feel what it is like to be free

But I am neither a bird, bee, or tree
but I am still free

i look up from my book
and there you are
floating around in my mind again
i turn on the tv
locking you back in your cage called
logic and self control
but as soon as the screen goes black
i see youve slipped between the bars
and youre playing in my imagination
i open the laptop
maybe i can drown you in numbers and words
but you have fins and gills
and you swim around behind my eyes
so i tie my shoes and throw open the door
hoping that i can run faster than you
but as soon as i get home
you jump on me and wrestle me to the ground
telling me everything i want to hear
where i scream and cry
no more, please, no more
and my heart bleeds on the concrete

I know I'm almost gone
and i really don't care

I know I'm fading away
but that's totally fine

walking through life with your head down
gets boring after a while

I sent you on a guilt trip
Paid all the expenses too
I sent you on a guilt trip
Here's some cash,
Go spend it on someone new

If you want me to change myself so badly, why don't you help me?

I want to withdraw
From all those who hate me
But I can't
Because I have responsibilities
And there are some who love me
That hold me back
From an ending
That for the first time in my life
I could write
For myself

A tablespoon of manners
2 teaspoons of daring
A couple drops of hope
and a whole lot of caring

A dash of handsome
and some be-with-me-wherever
pre-set temp at 100
and leave it in my heart forever

i am a psychopath
i am the queen of terrifying confidence
i am a minipulator of truth
and lies
because i
am a psychopath
who has her eyes set
on the way she should be
on the reasons behind what they think about her
hurt
it swirls around inside yet i dont feel it
it scrapes away at the walls of my heart
which should be painful
why not
because i am a psychopath

i could just go downstairs
look you in the eyes
and open my mouth
smile, speak, anything
i could just get next to you
and sit down in triumph
for having proved myself wrong
and have a conversation
about anything you want
i could just get my nose
out of my book
tearing my eyes away from the words
that offer me an excuse to be alone
and show you that i know
youre more important
i could prove to myself that i am STRONG
and i CAN try
i could just try...
just...
but i dont.
instead
im sitting in the dark
(i cant see anything)
eating mac n cheese
and thinking about how much i want you
alone with my
comfort food and comfort thoughts
because i could and i should but i cant
......but im deseperate...

if my brain was bigger
and i had more room up there
youd think id fill it with important stuff
facts and ideas to share
like maybe science, math, and tech
or art and lit instead
but no, for me, whats worth the most
is remembering every sweet thing youve said

puppet

i want you so bad i have a stomach ache
but gosh **** it
you'll never know because im so painfully shy

I Know that i am Beautiful
I Know that my heart is Sacred Ground
I Know i have a Strong, Free Voice
and I Know there is None Like Me to be Found