My
mirror
will
be
the
death
of
me

I Know that i am Beautiful
I Know that my heart is Sacred Ground
I Know i have a Strong, Free Voice
and I Know there is None Like Me to be Found

i love driving alone. its comfy in a silent car, cause you can just think and think and think about whatever you want to think about and you dont have to think about what theyre thinking about and you dont have to think about what theyll say next or what youll say next or what they think of you. your only job is to think about yourself. can you imagine not being able to take your thoughts off of the person next to you? thinking about someone else is exhausting. i know cause i did it once.

i was driving on some back road somewhere and saw this guy standing on the side of the road with his thumb out. i dont know what came over me but i just pulled over and let him in. he looked at me and i looked at him and… we just looked at eachother. for a minute i couldnt think about anything but his big beautiful eyes. but then i kept driving and- i couldnt stop thinking about them. it made me angry. angry bc he had taken my thoughts. they werent in my head anymore, they were over there. in the passenger seat that should have been empty, swimming around in his big, beautiful eyes.

id never thought so much about someone besides myself and it made me tired. so tired that i just wanted to sleep, but when i closed my eyes all i could think about were his eyes and it made me angry all over again, now because i couldnt sleep.

i drive alone now. still. because that way i never have to not think about myself ever again. my thoughts are mine, and i like it that way.

maybe
all i've ever wanted is for someone to hold my hand
and to know that they will never let go
maybe
you are just too busy being right
to see how badly i need help
maybe
I've tried to fill the fissures in my heart
with music and school for too long
maybe
the reason im doing my project on personality is so
i can find a way to change mine
maybe
im terrified of the next moment
when you might slam me down
the second i open up

maybe i don't want to be the smartest
maybe i don't want to be just like you

maybe
i cry tears that you had no idea were even there
maybe i need a friend who means it for once

but one thing i am sure of
i was wrong when i thought
that i could find that friend
in you

what's wrong with me
everything

what's wrong with her
almost everything

what's wrong with you & me
her

i want you so bad i have a stomach ache
but gosh **** it
you'll never know because im so painfully shy

are at peace
for they know their beginning
unlike us
who run around on this earth
looking for answers
sure to yield a world of obscene and skillful vanity
once they are found
but the blue tides
come when called and leave when sent away
they have plenty of secrets
but are at peace
because for blue tides
truth is not a commodity

There is only one kind of love that i search for
A love that is jealous
One worthy to yearn for

if it gives you hope
and it calls out your name
this love doesn't come from just any bloke

But there was a sacrifice that was made
my veil was torn and He paved the way
He bled and died so that  I could be saved

the walls are cement
they neutralize my soul
i need a buzz so **** bad
my phone is an empty hole
theres no light in it, or in me
i need your buzz so **** bad

i hate this
ive never hated anything this much before
and in this way
getting up too early every morning
just to do it all again
and expecting it to be different
isnt that the definition of insanity?
whats even keeping me going?
what is so wrong with me that no one even smiles

Is the pain really worth the prize
Is the suspense really worth the surprise

When waiting is the only thing that happens in my life,
take and educated guess

I'm not doing life right

dont judge someone because they sin differently than you
                        
                                      -anonymous

i look up from my book
and there you are
floating around in my mind again
i turn on the tv
locking you back in your cage called
logic and self control
but as soon as the screen goes black
i see youve slipped between the bars
and youre playing in my imagination
i open the laptop
maybe i can drown you in numbers and words
but you have fins and gills
and you swim around behind my eyes
so i tie my shoes and throw open the door
hoping that i can run faster than you
but as soon as i get home
you jump on me and wrestle me to the ground
telling me everything i want to hear
where i scream and cry
no more, please, no more
and my heart bleeds on the concrete

music is my only caress
they say im too young to desire so strong
i say they're too old to remember
how the passion burns inside you
and then the anger
when you realize how impossible it is
im too small and too tangled in expectations
to be held by a stanger

I trust You've got a plan for me
but no matter how bad I want to see it form
into a life that's pleasing only
only to me

I'm gonna tell You that I believe
It's beyond my capacity
to understand the life You have
in store for me is pleasing

to You

last night i began to cry
because my voice was gone
the sound that kept coming out wasnt even a sound
all wrong, warped, wasted
hoarse, hopeless, hated

i had lost it a few hours before
i gave everything i had to a bad decision
including my voice
and now i sit here in silence feeling violated
and furious
because i cant speak and even if i could
it wouldnt change anything
you stole my voice
and ill never get it back

four hands
held firmly
over the eyes of my heart
"no, dont look.
the world out there is scary"
"no"
i say from underneath their palms
"your just scared of what will happen
once ive seen it"
in the silence i hear their thoughts:
"she'll run
of course she'll run"
i smile
"of course ill run"

another week is over
i look in the mirror
well ****
it says
thats a waste

its like i have a shadow
except you make me choke
my words are not your clearance
my sitting down is not your opportunity
get off me
go away
let me take this label off my chest
i am not your safe place

It doesn't matter what you said
i get a grip when i lose my step
its not that easy to break me

we are all silhouettes against the sun
shadows on a hill
pebbles rolling down a stream
and one more empty space to fill

is the pain really worth the prize
is the suspense really worth the surprise
the path darkens
the light in front gets brighter
but i am going nowhere

your gaze
puts sunlight underneath my skin

I want to withdraw
From all those who hate me
But I can't
Because I have responsibilities
And there are some who love me
That hold me back
From an ending
That for the first time in my life
I could write
For myself

"hon-"

"dont call me hon"

"okay im sorry. i know this makes you uncomfortable but its true and you cant keep running from it. you arent doing yourself any favors"

"and youre not doing me a favor either by confronting me"

"i know it doesnt feel like it hon, but-"

"dont call me hon"

"im sorry i just love you and you need to-"

"dont tell me what i need"

"If i cant tell you that you need to stop lying to yourself then you cant tell me to stop calling you hon"

"i hate you"

"well i love you, hon"

the circle of light shines down on me
its so bright i cant see
so i look down and around
its so dark i cant see
this is my life, either too light or too dark
the tears are so many i cant see

"Thank you."

"I love you"

"I'm sorry."

"God Bless You!"*

So overused, so overlooked
These phrases should only be said if they are meant with *the whole heart

i will never forget coach saying
"swim like you've got a chip on your shoulder"

i can feel her glare melting the rubber of my cap
lol sure coach can do

Tried to be myself for one day
Also tried to be friendly

Which one? I can't do both

streams of a Savior's blood on the temple floors
cracks of a whip echo off the marble
fresh splinters wedge themselves in the cracks
in the skin
in the soul
the screams and tears go mute for a moment
His moment
to look up from afar
and into these black, clouded eyes
this black, clouded heart
the same weight on His back the same weight in His gaze
the same pain in his crown the same pain in the irises
that bore into blackness and flood it with
glorious light
glorious light
and effortless omniscience of all the terror
of the hell that has entered into the holy place
and stained it with despair
except for the eyes that contain visions of eternal hope
and they are staring at me

"sorry to interrupt your alone time...
but heres cleaning stuff for the bathroom."

if i died
would she realize it was her fault
i dont think so
because she refuses to believe
that ive already decided
that against all truth and logic
im done for now

stimulation is atrophy
irises shed their illuminessence
...but its fine

if my brain was bigger
and i had more room up there
youd think id fill it with important stuff
facts and ideas to share
like maybe science, math, and tech
or art and lit instead
but no, for me, whats worth the most
is remembering every sweet thing youve said

ive been pounding my fists against this wall for days. or has it been years? no. days.
all my love has been ****** out of me. i dont know where its gone. maybe its evaporated, now floating with the stars.
did you know salt water stains leather? or maybe its just tears. not all salt water.
im distant. even thought youre just on the other side, sight, or lack of it, is one of those catalysts. close? youre closer than ever. far away? where are you.
why heaving? im sick of this ****. dry? i havent eaten anything since the **** quesadilla.
um... yeah. ive started cussing. a regret.

two catheters
one in each tender cavity
the bag held above my head by a dark
evil face, smiling, ready for destruction
fluids of fear
desire drips into the divet of my elbow
floods into my desperate body
what i would do to wrap these punctured arms around you
but for your sake i lay here
i must keep you away, let you go
i don’t deserve your love
i am a disappointment

the bathroom door has fissures
millions of curved metallic grains
all flowing together
but they etch out a raw, terrifying vision
at least, that's what it is to me: a womb
like the pentagon of an ultrasound
which would normally depict a cramped, squirming fetus
but instead, my face
staring blankly and pathetically back
but i swear im actually thinking, swirling
im trapped in this dark womb fabricated by a million
uniformed streaks

my whole body is burned
outside
inside
ultraviolet rays
and sugar

you feel so far away
what changed
we used to go for weeks, just texts
its strange
now i ache after an afternoon
knowing youre states away
not safe
for me to feel this way
ill work on being fine
instead of convincing myself that my state is fine

i never would have guessed I would want to change everything
tear my lists, maps, and plans out of the notebook
and fill their place with letters
lyrics, little poems, and love
I would do it in an instant
But I don’t
Because I’m afraid of paper cuts
And the tears and blood that they bring
So for now I’ll just leave them
All my plans, safely in the book, their sharp edges far from my fingertips
And I’ll read your beautiful words over and over again
scribbled passionately in the margins between neat lines that predict my future
And I’ll recite them as I walk, drive, sleep
And I’ll wish you were there in those moments instead of just your words
And I’ll wish I wasn’t so afraid of paper cuts