rough draft:
Hang a picture of me up on your wall.
Don’t forget me, I was your first love.
I’d also like to be your last, you were my first and only friend.
It felt as if you wanted to hang me from the tree, all your screams were choking me, they were the rope that held me captive.
I couldn’t see past the tears, they blinded me.
They blinded me from seeing you walking away.
They remained sketched into my memory whenever I thought of you, my first and only friend, lover, soulmate.
First, you hanged me on tree of love, and I felt warm, happy, a life worth wanting.
Then you hanged me on the tree of worry, and I couldn’t asking, ‘Are you okay?’ ‘Why aren’t you talking to me?’ ‘Is there someone else?’’
Lastly, you hanged me on the tree of heartbreak, and I couldn’t breathe, move, or speak.
I asked you why, but you didn’t say anything to me.
I screamed at you, and you showed me your back.
I fell to the ground and weeped as you laughed.
I wanted you, and only you to be my sweet, until you hung me on that ******* tree and left me weak.

revised version:
Hang a picture of me up on you wall.
Don't forget me,
I was your first love.
I wanted to be your last.
You were my first and only friend.
Also my first and only love.
But, things change.
You changed.

It felt as if you wanted to hang me from a tree.
All your screams were choking me, they were the rope that held me captive in your terror.
I couldn't see past the tears, they blinded me.
Blinded.
Blinded me from seeing you walk away.
The bruises on my neck remained etched into my memory,
whenever I thought of you.
My first and only friend.
Lover.
Soulmate.

First, you hanged me on the tree of worry, and I couldn't stop asking.
Are you okay?
Why aren't you talking to me?
Is there someone else?

And then it was the tree of heartbreak, and I couldn't breathe.
Move,
Speak.
I gripped the rope as hard as I could and ****** in air, trying to hold on.
Trying not to shatter, just like my heart.
I screamed at you, and you showed me your back.
I finally released my self from the noose, falling hard.
Weeping while you laughed.
I wanted you, and only you.
To be my sweet,
Until you hung me on that ******* tree,
And left me weak.

Falling off a bike is like breaking your heart for the first time

You don't know this strange pain that's hitting you in your knees or your chest
And it hurts but you don't know this feeling creeping inside your body and making you numb with pain
There's tears because you can't understand why something so simple could hurt so bad
It's a shame because you have to go through it over and over again
You'd ride the bike again but you'd give up on love
One hurts just a little bit too much
Knee pads won't save you from the eternity of pain because you decided to fall in love

My blood is pulsing
wait.
her blood.
it's pulsing, hot and hard.
she's screaming and only i know why.
i wanted to make her stop, but i can't.
she's hurt, i know that.
i feel her hurt, i feel her hear shattering.
i am her.
but it doesn't feel like it.
it doesn't feel like me.
no matter how hard i close my eyes
im still me.
im still her.
im still here.

somehow i had started to bleed
my wrists and their scars were open
pouring into the river
eyes cry red drops of blood
falling down my cheek, lips, and chin
yet i can't feel a thing
if anything the regret lifts from my shoulders and sets me free
but i still feel the little bit of blood stuck in my one side of my heart
that i can never seem to get rid of
and the other half never seems to fill back up
so i wait
and wait
until it's a full river of blood
and
then
i
jump

A witness to the ****** of my best friends heart
He was her first everything
And he tore her apart
It was terrorizing to see her cry
I wanted to help but what do you say
When the person who was your everything
Suddenly disappears one day
What do I say
When her tears don’t stop
And what do I say
When her eyes aren’t filled with the love she once felt
How do I tell her that one day another love will come
And although he will be new he won’t compare to the one who made your heart soar
And your knees lock
Or your brain fuzzy with the thought of just seeing him
As if it’s the first time all over again
You search for love but cry at the thought of having to share all your secrets
And the things that make you cringe
It hurts having to share that
All over again

As the violinist brushes the bow against the instrument
She takes in a deep breath
She takes in those painful memories
And she exhales
They’re gone
Hitting her in flashes
She has to overcome the darkness that stands in the way of her light
She is torn
Because even if she wants to leave her past
She still holds some of those memories clutched tight to her thumping heart
Even the ones that haunt her the most
You see
She is split down the middle
Her mind is saying go
But her body won’t even tilt
She’s frozen stuck in a life
That she had wept about in nightmares
She was strong
But she couldn’t wrap her mind around living like this anymore
She got the message when her eyes would no longer shine
And she had to force a smile on to her face
She just wanted to be normal again
She wanted her violin to bring her joy
Once more
It had been her only sanctuary
The only place she called home

It's as if
The clock is
T
I
  C
   K
     I
      N
         G
And there's nothing I can do to stop it
It's as if
My life means
N
  O
    T
      H
         I
          N
             G
And I can't find a way to make it meaningful
It's as if the music beating in my ears doesn't
W
   O
      R
         K
And I don't know what to do without it because I'm
A
  L
    O
      N
         E
With no one to turn to or tell my story but...
Would they even
C
  A
    R
      E
To know that I'm dying inside?

It's stupid.
I'm this sad over love.
Why am I so caught up?
I'm supposed to be emotionless.
Free of my ties from you.
But I still see your face everywhere I go.
Haunting me in my dreams.
It's not necessarily your fault but I'm going to blame you anyways.
You made me this way.
Why'd you have to pretend to care?
Say all those sweet words...
The lies leaping off of your tongue and diving into my heart,
making me believe you were really *the one.

You’re Satan’s lover
You have to be because I haven’t met anyone as evil as you
I stumbled upon you
It’s the one regret I  will always have
Because you sneaked your way in
And you clutched tight
Worn down but I still fought
And tried to rip you off
But your lies made sense in my mind
And for a while I  let you stay
But you hurt me again
Then whispered in my ear another time
And for a while I let you stay
Because I once thought of you as mine
Now I want you to be ****** to hell
And I want to be the one to do it
I’ve waited so long for my freedom
And now I have it
But I no longer seek to be free
I’m too broken from rescuing myself
My hands tattered and ******
Eyes wet with tears
Lips scowled in pure rage
My mind blank with nothing but the thought of your face
******
Bruised
Scarred
And your mind
Broken
Your pride
Destroyed
Your voice
Gone
Your fear
At an all time high
I wanted you to feel the same way I did so bad
But now that I’ve done it
I realized that this is my greatest accomplishment in life
And I  have nothing left to look at
And to think of myself
But a wilted flower
Who tried her best to stay alive

I hate myself
It's not a surprise
Most teens are
Insecure
Depressed
Filled with anxiety
Ready to jump.

I remember being 8
I've always thought that one day I would just get smaller
But I got bigger
And my circle of bullies got bigger
And my friends smaller
My sobs louder
And my laughs nonexistent

Here comes middle school
And the kids are even crueler
I wished and prayed that this fat would just go away
And I could have friends again
I lost more
And I gained some again
I got bullied for everything
And I hung my head in shame
I didn't speak
I wished that they couldn't see me
That I was invisible
Out of sight
Free

Third but not last
High school
My not so old friend
I sliced my skin more than once
Cried a lot
Discovered pieces of myself
And lost some pieces too
Loved some
But hated most
Wished that it would be better
But it was all a lie
I didn't go to prom
I barely graduated
I was glad when I left
That I would never have to come back

I learned what my mental illnesses are
And the voices in my head aren't real
But I can't stop them from saying these terrible things
I'm stuck in my own mind
How does that even happen?
Well it did
And now I can't tell the difference between me and trash
Because we're so alike
Nobody wants us but ourselves.

Not like we'd let anyone in anyways
We're too broken to love someone else
Too ashamed to tell our secrets and how much we've failed
Too scared of letting go
Of the things that make me us safe.
We're fried in the head
Loopy
Too much to manage.
Crazy
But they don't know how crazy in the head we really are.

is it weird that i think hell,
might just be,
the perfect place for me?
not that i dont want to be in heaven.
but am i,
simple ol' me,
good enough for god?
i tell lies,
sometimes i talk behind peoples back,
i don't always respect my parents,
and i even think that im too good for people sometimes.
does that make me bad?
well,
it sure doesn't make me good

growing up they didn't tell you that love hurts
only that it's one of the best things you'll ever experience
and also one of the worst things you'll feel
they don't tell you how stressful love is
or how late you stay up crying
they only tell you how good it feels to be with someone
and not how to keep living when they leave
they don't tell you that one day someone will decide that they don't love you anymore
and you can't change their minds
they don't tell you that you'll be on the ground watching him leave right out the front door
they don't tell you that your first love won't be your last
but the first of many because you're looking for all the other fish in the sea but none of them could even amount to that first love you had when you were young, foolish, and naive
they don't tell you that love is only a chemical state of mind
and all of this that you're feeling is because you let it be more than what you think
and
they don't tell you that heartbreak hurts much more than falling
they don't tell you that once you fall, you might not get back up
they don't tell you that love may never come your way
and while you're waiting there's others who have that love they don't deserve
which is what you deserve
yet you're here...
alone...
sad...
stuck
wishing for a love
that may never come

she was soft and gentle
eyes big and bright
full of happiness
i watched them die that night
they turned dull
grey
empty
i wished over and over that i could've been there
because she didn't deserve to be treated so cruel
she was just a little girl
who wanted love
just like you

If I don’t let it out soon
All my troubles and worries
All my trials and tribulations
If I can’t open up my mouth soon
I will wither
I will shrivel up like a beautiful rose
That’s been depleted of its nutrients
I shed my last tear and haven’t watered myself since
If I don’t let it out soon
I will be still addicted to something
That isn’t even good for me
Addicted to someone
That isn’t even good for me
But is everything I could ever need
But if that’s so
Then why am I still withering?
If I can’t open my mouth soon
I will never be able to change
“I just want happiness”
Is all I have to say
How can I have that when I won’t let myself
Trapping myself in this box
Was not intended
Now I’m too comfortable
In a place I don’t even want
Bounded
Cursed
Stuck
All things that I feel every second of the day
So
If I don’t let it out soon
I’m going to be just like you
And that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person
But I can’t see myself being happy like this anymore
I love you so much
I never would’ve thought leaving you would be the only way to break free
From everything holding me back
So
If I can’t open my mouth soon
I’ll just be the next stereotypical black female
And I can’t have that

“Drugs are all fun and games until you watch someone you love become someone you don’t know.”

She called her daughter a ***** today
Something she said she’d never do
She treats her boyfriend better than her child
And she can’t even see it
Her lies fly out of her mouth like it’s been recited to perfection
And I’m tired of listening to them
I wish that my mothers life wasn’t so ******
So that my sisters could’ve had something
I wish for a lot of things
But a family is what I want the most
I wish I could tell them all how much I love them
But how do I do that
When the drugs are so strong that they can’t see past it?
When the need is so strong they’ll do anything to be high
And I know I should try and help
But how do you help someone who doesn’t want help?
How am I supposed to do all these things
When I’m only one person?
How do I tell them that their life will be ****
If they don’t pick it up and do something with it?

You’re Satan’s lover
You have to be because I️ haven’t met anyone as evil as you
I️ stumbled upon you
It’s the one regret I️ will always have
Because you sneaked your way in
And you clutched tight
Worn down but I still fought
And tried to rip you off
But your lies made sense in my mind
And for a while I️ let you stay
But you hurt me again
Then whispered in my ear another time
And for a while I️ let you stay
Because I️ once thought of you as mine
Now I️ want you to be ****** to hell
And I️ want to be the one to do it
I’ve waited so long for my freedom
And now I️ have it
But I️ no longer seek to be free
I’m too broken from rescuing myself
My hands tattered and ******
Eyes wet with tears
Lips scowled in pure rage
My mind blank with nothing but the thought of your face
******
Bruised
Scarred
And your mind
Broken
Your pride
Destroyed
Your voice
Gone
Your fear
At an all time high
I️ wanted you to feel the same way I️ did so bad
But now that I’ve done it
I️ realized that this is my greatest accomplishment in life
And I️ have nothing left to look at
But  to think of myself
As a wilted flower

I just get so tired of all the lies
And the regret
Tired of all the tears that I've wept
Tired of being me but not being me all at the same time
Tired of feeling like I'm empty inside
Tired of being tired even though nothing changes overnight
It's been 18 years and I'm starting to lose this fight
So how can I get back to the times where it all made sense
And I'm no longer depressed or feel like I'm in somebody's else's head
How do I tell my parents that I live with this illness and although they can't see it
It's been apart of me for a while
How do I tell them that I'm ready to die at any given moment
And I've already written my letters goodbye over and over
Trying to get it just right?

And how do I tell my friends that I love them when I can't love myself
That they make me happy
But bring so much guilt
How do I tell them how I feel when I don't even know what this feeling is
I'm just TIRED all of the time
And when I'm not I think of why I shouldn't be happy
And why the worlds so ****** up
Or how things just aren't meant to be perfect
Just a little damaged but I'm completely ****** up
With no hope
And I don't know how to crawl out of this deep hole
I can't break the chains
Or move the hand from my mouth
I'm just stuck here like this
And it's been like that for a while

He hated to watched her leave
But he knew she'd back soon
He wanted to hold her until life no longer existed
He waited up that night for to come back
He waited
And waited
And waited
She didn't come back

What did he do wrong?
Was it something he said?
Did he not love her enough?
"**** it," Began to be his motto
His face became hollow
The empty bottles of jack slowly filled the room
The receipts of take over crumpled up filled the corner of the room

Then one night
He heard a knock.

You were right.
He only meant to use you for your body
And not your brains
All for your looks
And not your intellect
He wanted you for one thing
And not the rest
He was just another person
Wasting your time
And another person
Telling you lies
He was just another person
Just an excuse
And he made you question why
He just lied to you
So he could get his nut off
And have fun
While you cry
And he smiles
While you die inside
And you wish you never took the chance
Because you got hurt again
And although it won’t be the last time
It’s going to hurt for a while

do i not have the right to be outraged
to see that my people have once again been dehumanized
throw down on the grounds, beat up, killed
as if this is an everyday thing?
#blacklivesmatter until i die, because i know deep down that this world won't change and we'll still be holding up this sign a hundred years later
#handsupdontshoot might still be there too
you say have positive thinking but how can i when im too worried about my nephew being the next bLaCk kid shot down for having a toy gun?
because he's bLaCk
not white
because he lives in the hood
and not the suburbs
he has food stamps
not cash
tootie fruities
not fruit loops
he takes the bus
too broke to afford a car
yes, he works
but at mcdonalds
it's not good enough for them but they put us where we are
so how can you complain
when you're the cause of it all?
RIP
#MikeBrown
#TrayvonMartin
#PhilandoCastile
#TamirRice
#D­eJuanGuillory
#JordanEdwards
#EricGarner
#SandraBland
#DontreHami­lton
#QuaniceHayes
#FreddieGray
#EzellFord
#AkaiGurley
And to so many more.

There’s always a reason why I can’t be as good as you,
Or I can’t have the same respect as you.
When I buy a car you charge me more and the white man less.
I’m expected to possibly get a high school diploma, while you’ll have a doctoral degree, sitting pretty.
Why is my life less important than yours?
Why do you get to have everything?
Why do I have to work twice as hard just to be half as good as you?
Why do we have to do so much to be accepted, just to not be accepted anyways?
Why?
Why do we always seem to be less?
Does it not bother you that we will never be seen for accomplishments, but for our color of skin and the stereotypes you give us?
*Why?

i want to forget everything exists and that love is blind
that the color of my skin wasn't such a bad thing to others
and that i could've never met my 'first love'
i wish *** wasn't such a popular thing and it didn't matter in a relationship.
i wish for my soul to be free and my body to be tatted with purple and white ink symbolizing that i've finally let go of the pain that i've been wishing to shed
and that someone could understand my pain and that i hate being alone but-
if i were to tell them, would they think i mentally ill? that i should be institutionalized and considered a lunatic?
why is it do we shame the ones that are not considered 'normal'?
what is wrong with our society?
since when did being homeless mean you were of less than any other?
the rich aint ****, everyone can see it.
the album is 12 dollars but you'll only donate 1?

i wonder
what it feels like
to be confident in everything i do
i wonder
what it feels like
to know someone loves you
i wonder
what it feels like
to wake up with a smile on your face
i wonder
what it feels like
to be happy for longer than an hour
without wanting to wither away
i wonder
what it feels like
to stop thinking these thoughts
i wonder
what it feels like
to stop thinking at all

"What was your first cut like?"

          I was in the seventh or eighth grade. I was curious, I wondered why others did it. I did it on my pinky finger, my right hand and I jumped, it was with a razor and it didn't hurt, but it was only a matter of time until I got addicted.

"You got addicted?"
        
          I didn't know that self-harm would be my outlet, nor did I know that my depression, anxiety, and mood swings for come into full effect my junior year of high school. I was so angry, so sad, so emotional that it was one of the first things that came to my mind. I went away at my body, I can't remember where I started, but all I know is that I wanted to feel pain. I **needed to feel it. It was a numb feeling at first, I couldn't feel a thing but the blood seeping out of my wounds made me feel okay, as if to say, "You're still alive, you're still here." And that's when I knew I wouldn't be able to stop.

"Have you ever been addicted to anything else?"

          Pills. I started taking those before I did cutting. They gave me a high and even if it only lasted for an hour and I got the headache, it was worth it afterwards. I was away, I could think what I wanted to and the voices would stop. I'd take eight at a time and I didn't care, as long as I got my high. For a while, it was all I lived for.

"Do you regret any of it?"

          No, you wanna know why? Because it made me, me. I am who I am today because of those decisions. I was doing what every other teenager who had home problems and bullying at school, did; surviving. It was better than offing myself, something I thought about doing so many times. I still do, to this day. The doctors tell you that depression is hereditary but anyone can become depressed, in my opinion at least. Most times, you're already swimming in it a while before you actually realize it.

i'll never be as pretty as her
wear the clothes she wears
be her size? gosh, that's gonna take a while
i want to be with you
but i can't be what you want me to be
i can't act like her or be like her
if so,
what will happen to *me?