I remember when I first met you. I had just met your mom and she introduced me to you and your brothers. I shook your hand and there was an instant connection. It was so weird. Electric.
It was a summer day, the sun was out and the breeze was quite welcome.
I remember you never wearing shoes and no socks. Just bare feet through all the seasons. I remember you hating water and not showering. Or brushing your teeth. Or eating for that matter. I remember every night.
I remember your rants and your non sensical speeches. I remember the first time we kissed and your terrible breath.
I remember the many times you cried about your father being abusive to you and you trying to protect your brothers. And how you took care of your mother.
I remember when you'd push me against the wall or hold my arm too tight. Or touch me when I asked you not to. And you'd watch me cry. No matter what it was you'd always hold me close right after. I felt such whiplash because I felt like I was doing something wrong and every time you got mad or rough with me that it was my fault. And first I'd be sad, but then I'd be embarrassed and shameful.
I remember when you tried to kill yourself and you blamed it on me and blamed me for not going to see you. Even though I did. I remember when your dad almost pressed charges against me. And I was too embarrassed to tell him that if anything, you were in the wrong for doing what you did to me. And that I would have been completely happy not having sex with you. I didn't want it.
I remember the night I was going to break up with you for the last time, but you beat me to it. You left me outside on the porch, then outside in the gutter, then outside on the road. I walked home but crouched over in pain. It was like I had been shot in the chest. It was like the seed that had been planted in my heart had been sitting there waiting to grow until that night when it suddenly, finally grew into a massive, lacerative, gutting tree. Full of branches that tore my chest open.
And I only feel sorrow because of my shame. Not from loving you or longing for you. I feel incredible shame and guilt for ever letting you be rough with me or touch me where I didn't want to be touched. I should never have let it happen.
And so it's hard for me to explain this to my lover now. He's so good to me. And I never want him to think I miss you, love you, or want you. No I don't feel sad because I can't be with you anymore. No I don't hurt because I still love you. And no I don't cry out of regret.
But I still carry the devastation and scars from when I was with you. And it still hurts.
But it doesn't hurt as bad as it used to. And I feel stronger. I feel happy and loved and cherished. And I'm able to love and show adoration and be soft with the one I love.
I'm able to be me.
On the threshold
of life and death
by a thread of love,
the veil of time,
a peaceful sleep
so divine, it is
no wonder why we
say Rest In Peace.
To you, who I loved in life,
Do you feel
all our love
Does our pain
make it harder
for you to
of the fabric
in ours below?
Though we long to
hold on to you,
strings of life,
your reel is
less the thread
To my precious loves,
who I must now depart,
form and time.
peace to your now
and free my soul
"I love you through all space and time."
The last line is a quote from Prince's song 7.
Thanks for reading! K:)
i feel like a lost cause
your grandma would tell me to pray to st. jude
i don't think even st. jude would be able to find the missing parts of me
lately i've been thinking a lot about change
i wonder if it's because of change that i can't seem to find myself
because of the disorienting earthquake that followed the hurricane Change brought on
that flung pieces of me far and wide
i have to go searching again, don't i?
i feel like i should be telling you something important
shed some light on how to overcome darkness
but to be honest, kiddo
i still have no idea
and if i dedicate my life to apologising for the fact,
my sorry's will bury me
there's a saying,
the calm before the storm
there's a feeling,
complete peace with a hint of blindness to the tsunamic waves approaching just beyond the horizon
you feel euphoric and skeptical and helpless
a smile creeps across your face
you brace yourself for impact but know that no matter how many times you've prepared yourself for this, no matter how many times
you've lived through this
you will fall, flail, and drown
that is what i feel when i sense Change lurking near
and i can't do anything to stop it
i'm tired, kiddo
i've forgotten parts of me
so bear with me as i continue to love you to the best of my ability despite all this
don't forget yourself
I see you're doing well these days.
One year later and I still watch as you grin and laugh with your friends.
Sometimes I just grin as well knowing the truth behind the plastic you call a smile.
You once told me that you feel like you don’t belong.
You get a burning in your chest thinking of how awful humanity is and how you wish you were a robot so your brain would match your body.
But when I told you from the anxious walls of my heart that I sort of feel the same but I'm not making a metaphor, I'm transgender
You said that I didn't feel it as intensely as you did so my identity wasn't that important.
I suppose I can tell you now that you became the reason why I agree with you about humanity.
Your face sickens me.
Sort of funny how everyone calls you Harry Potter because of a scar shaped like a lightning bolt on your cheek and it was a big joke and I always laughed because what a coincidence even though I never read the books or watched the movies and now because of you:
I never will want to.
I don’t know if you realise that you’ve shattered me.
Shattered me like the board you can cut in half thanks to years of karate and your hand crafted swords are part of the reason I never crossed you because if I just change myself hard enough maybe you would stop saying you could use them on me if I kept talking about how much I love everything if everything isn’t you.
Sometimes I would wonder if you could hear my knees fighting not to snap in half.
I would wonder if you knew that you are like a hurricane; strong and unpredictable.
And like a hurricane, you came storming and when your thunder rumbled and rain paraded all over me it left nothing untouched.
I could say you're a forest fire but that would make it hot and quick and emotionless.
No, you are a hurricane because hurricanes are wet and windy and raw and wild and it left me drowning.
Unlike a hurricane, your damage can not be fixed with teamwork and donations from those that feel sympathy.
The damage you’ve done is permanent and even with all the repairs I’ve made in the form of therapy sessions and promises that I shall overcome,
I am still in ruins.
You are bitter but not sweet.
But for 17 torturous months I only saw it the other way around.
Reaching out to try to catch onto something worth fighting for
But this isn’t worth fighting for
Because my hands hurt from writing I’m sorrys.
Because my brain hurts from pushing out reasons you’re not worth it.
Because my soul hurts from fighting the back of my mind that still loves you.
You have rendered me obsolete.
It’s okay to cry
Don’t let your mother's poisonous words sting like bug bites
She’s only upset with herself.
It’s okay to scream
Don’t let anyone tell you your excitement annoying
They’re only jealous they don’t have the freedom to express themselves like you.
It’s okay to dream
Don’t let your teacher’s laughter bruise your heart
She only wishes she had your imagination.
It’s okay to be the odd one out
Don’t let the exclusion isolate your soul
It isn’t your fault that you aren’t like them
It’s okay to ask why
Don’t let the exasperated sighs stop you from seeking answers
You can’t be Sherlock until you get to the bottom, after all
It’s okay to forget
Don’t let his vile voice find its way into your rib cage
He was the one who chose to leave
It’s okay to live
Don’t let your learned helplessness persist
You are so young and you have so much to strive for.
So go after it.
Quite punctual, one might say:
His loss of interest.
We would've been a scandal,
A scarlet letter;
And I imagine
He began to wake up
In a sweat,
Unable to handle
How he felt;
Unable to handle
So, is this it?
If I fight hard enough,
If I show up,
And make him laugh
Will he come back around?
I was unaware of how much
As he left,
I shrugged him off, saying:
But a depth opened up
In the pit of my stomach:
Something I couldn’t patch up;
Something that caused me pain
As I bragged about him
To my friends.
I know he’s gone
And I won’t bother him
In that comfortable peace
He refused to sacrifice.
But I can’t help
(And I doubt he’d blame me)
To check my phone
For the thoughts
He used to send me.
But they come no longer,
And that I must accept;
Just like I’ve grown accustomed
To the sore pit
He left in my life.
What if I thanked you for this,
Half a lifetime of free bliss,
What if I thanked you for our fusion,
A soul mate in our communion,
What if I thanked your aura, dude,
So healing my broken heart, your attitude,
Such an atmosphere, so golden and stellar,
You're a really lovely fellow,
So I write to my love in a letter,
I wish I could express it better.....
To The Daughter I’ll Never Have:
I want you to know that I did my best. I fought for you, for the idea of our family. I stood up for what I felt was wrong. Giving up my selfish ways wasn't easy, but it was doable. You need to know there was a time when our world was fixable.
When I was a child this was paradise...
A cool Summer breeze was a stroll to the 100 foot Oak, drinking the sunlight.
The river was a new road in the December.
Spring was as full as your sinuses.
A dying Autumn took your focus away from mortality.
All at once we cut the trees to steal their fruit, broke the ice with our fast machines, killed the sheep that kept us warm and fed us, and remembered that we weren't invincible.
I can picture you now:
I loved the name Haley.
Your first words were "Daddy".
You walked into your first day of kindergarten fearless.
You had this ferocious spirit that let you go into any situation without any hesitation. You got that from your Mother.
I was always proud of you, no matter how much trouble you got yourself into. There was something special about you.
I can only dream of the life we'd have together but I fear for the stability of my world today. Not even today have I met your Mother but I know she fears the same for you. What will the world have left for you and those around you left the clean up the messes that those before us made?
It is on that note I regret to inform you that I may never have a chance to meet you.
My time will be spent gluing leaves to the trees.
I will carry polar bears on my back until it breaks, bees on my shoulders until they are stung and swollen, and love in my heart until it swells. While you and I may never meet here on earth, you need to know that this love will not go to waste. Every ounce of love I was supposed to give to you will be shared with everyone who cares about our world now.
Please forgive me for being selfish.
When you pushed me away I really felt it.
I felt like I couldn't breathe.
You were nice to everyone else but me.
I couldn't understand!
How could you be mad at me for being myself?
I'm asexual and aromantic.
You're sexual and romantic.
How can we be together?
Easy, we just weren't
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