since i was 7 years old
i have created
so many parts of
myself to survive
to keep myself safe

i am like a chameleon
thrown into new
places and i will
change my spots
to figure everyone out

but maybe now

i am discovering
who Erin really is
before the darkness
crept upon her
and tried swallowing her whole

to be quite frank
i am proud of her
i like her
she is soft
she is resilient
she is me

the nightmares keep
me up at night
almost every night
in March

i get to relive
the trauma
over and over
that month

i awake feeling
my chest tight
stomach turning
counterclockwise

my mind focused
on that first night
why it all happened
what did i do wrong

i was just a child
i remind myself
as i *****

i hope one day
i like March again
like i did
when i was 6 years old

my mother thinks
i will not forgive her
for everything
that has happened

she is my mother
she did not know
how could she of?

the voice in my head
screams at her

how could of
let me into that house?
how could you of
knowing what you knew before?

i was just a child
i lost everything that day

as much as i want
to forgive her

i do not know if i ever will

sometimes when i am doing good
the thoughts come back
the nightmares come back
the memories come flooding back

i have been petrified
of hearing your voice
of looking you in the eyes
of smelling those marlboro golds

i have escaped all over the world
so you could never find me
so you could never locate me
so you could never hurt me again

but

if that day ever comes
if the moment i have been dreading comes
if i ever have to face you again
in that cold dark room

i would ask you
one simple word

     w h y

i have been hiding away
i have escaped to London
i have ran away again

where no one knows my name
where no one knows who i am
where no one knows what has happened to me

for the first time in my life i feel content
for the first time in my life i feel safe
for the first time in my life i am not afraid to feel

a city that has filled my cracks with love
a city that has filled my belly with laughter
a city that has filled my body with compassion

thank you for saving me London

come back alive
  no shade
     no dark sleek  over your own boxed remains
report in     to your family
we'll remove the war from your shoulder
hook up the soldier costume on our hallway peg
return the memory of life to you
we hope we can offer this ..

      ..but we’ve heard tumorous stories
        that   to the war boy returned
                      life   no longer does stick

He escaped the invasion
And the imminent threat of harm
He locked all the doors and windows
And turned off all the alarms

Stepping out into the cold
His breath mixes with the night air
Sneaking to avoid attention
Beneath the cold winters glare

The one place he called his home
Was infiltrated and exposed
He flees to a place of safety
Far away and undisclosed

Too scared to know the dangers
He will face on the street alone
His frozen feet break ground for miles
Leading him to the unknown

His wife returns to darkness
Her home painted by fallen snow
The knots churn inside her stomach
Dread and panic starts to grow

Sirens ring in the distance
She can't enter there all alone
What if he finally rested
His pale skin, as cold as stone

All her calls switched to silent
The wall of noise, too much to bare
His phone smashed and then discarded
They could track him everywhere

She cannot wait no longer
The door creaking open to see
Her torch expels all the blackness
His phone is amongst the debris

He couldn't walk no longer
His bare feet bitten by the frost
Winter elements took their toll
He paid the ultimate cost

A chopper in the distance
A loud rasp fills the cold, cold air
The voices calling out to him
The police are everywhere

He wakes from winter slumber
His wife in a hospital chair
He calls her name so softly
I'm so sorry I wasn't there

By Darren Wall ©

they say home is a place,
but for me 'tis a taste.
they say it is where you grow,
but for me 'tis where you go.
they say that home is where you felt loved,
but that i knew not of.
they say that home is the memories of a childhood,
but i guess my memory's not so good.
they say that home is where you know every turn,
but that is the place that makes my heart churn.
they say that home is the place where your life came true,
but for me, home is with you.

I remember sitting in the garden of my therapists office, trying to feel the sun on my skin.
She asks me if I can feel the warmth and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to find it.

It took me 14 years to say those few words that changed everything.
When my lips formed the whispered sentences, my shaking body suddenly felt so very different, even though the same things I was talking about happened to the same body.

When you start telling the truth, even if you can't build up the courage to speak all of it, a few words are enough, it becomes reality.
It's been real all this time, but now that it's entered someone elses mind, you can't take it back.

And maybe that's what it takes. To start your healing.

Speak your truth, even if your voice is shaking.