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"fend" poems
*in the midst of an emerald slumbering forest laced with pungent scents of jaded wood a burgundy blushed tail of a chestnut hued fox scurries as copper sunbeams part the day a hospital lumes starkly nearby its aura exudes hints of melancholy commingled with faint impressions of halcyon futures not yet lived at neighboring dartmouth a student sprinting to class drops his crimson colored backpack the prospect of cancer far from his budding consciousness my beloved sits patiently pondering pensively his last chemo treatment elusion of death not far from his mind i feign to fend off future catastrophes watching letters scramble across my screen earnestly writing in a desperate attempt to be with him forevermore an aquamarine hummingbird drenched in tranquility senses the inverse its amber tipped wings stand seemingly stationary while it steals a quick glance through the window curious at chemical infusions meant to heal my beloved walks out of the austere building with rose colored glasses i feel that we’ll whirl on the tips of gilded stardust dancing with another chance to fly ©2016janetaylor
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Apr 30, 2016
Apr 30, 2016 at 1:19 AM UTC
last trip to chemo
I want it so bad Never going to quit it Flip the switch and hit ignition Toss these hands I talk in all ten digits **** wishing - let me finish, Raw- dish it out the kitchen Saw- vision now they listen Off an opp and take position Never in my life did i think i'd make it Fight, take it Might bend to vice Been in sight, fend or die breaking God I know you hear my pain Twisted system call em' viens Wicked lifted off the reigns Vicious gifted follow flame Agh! I'm a savage, a beast Murdering beats, I read it and weep, God Looking to thee, God- never going to stop watch Put 'em em a lock box.. one shot So sorry, not the man you needed On my knees I don't believe em' Read between I'm not deceiving Split the means I mean Never in my life did i think i'd make it Fight, take it Might bend to vice Been in sight, fend or die breaking God I know you hear my pain Twisted system call em viens Wicked lifted off the reigns Vicious gifted follow flame Hope I can say something worth a **** Hope I can change something understand this Pressure pinning me down Picture myself under the ground Taking leaps and bounds Can i stand it be without Peaking then drown - **** it all Speaking my meaning - Hear me now Never in my life did i think i'd make it Fight, take it Might bend to vice Been in sight, fend or die breaking God I know you hear my pain Twisted system call em' viens Wicked lifted off the reigns Vicious gifted follow flame Agh why looking to me for something deep I can’t even feel emotion let that **** repeatin’ heat in motion seeking to be not broken Leave it to me, reach between lost omens Looking to feed the beast I’m hopin’ Ahead of my time I’m rapping these rhymes But go unnoticed Never in my life did i think i'd make it Fight, take it Might bend to vice Been in sight, fend or die breaking God I know you hear my pain Twisted system call em' viens Wicked lifted off the reigns Vicious gifted follow flame
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Jul 26, 2018
Jul 26, 2018 at 5:29 PM UTC
Follow_Flame
I want it so bad Never going to quit it Flip the switch and hit ignition Toss these hands I talk in all ten digits **** wishing - let me finish, Raw- dish it out the kitchen Saw- vision now they listen Off an opp and take position Never in my life did i think i'd make it Fight, take it Might bend to vice Been in sight, fend or die breaking God I know you hear my pain Twisted system call em' viens Wicked lifted off the reigns Vicious gifted follow flame Agh! I'm a savage, a beast Murdering beats, I read it and weep, God Looking to thee, God- never going to stop watch Put 'em em a lock box.. one shot So sorry, not the man you needed On my knees I don't believe em' Read between I'm not deceiving Split the means I mean Never in my life did i think i'd make it Fight, take it Might bend to vice Been in sight, fend or die breaking God I know you hear my pain Twisted system call em viens Wicked lifted off the reigns Vicious gifted follow flame Hope I can say something worth a **** Hope I can change something understand this Pressure pinning me down Picture myself under the ground Taking leaps and bounds Can i stand it be without Peaking then drown - **** it all Speaking my meaning - Hear me now Never in my life did i think i'd make it Fight, take it Might bend to vice Been in sight, fend or die breaking God I know you hear my pain Twisted system call em' viens Wicked lifted off the reigns Vicious gifted follow flame Agh why looking to me for something deep I can’t even feel emotion let that **** repeatin’ heat in motion seeking to be not broken Leave it to me, reach between lost omens Looking to feed the beast I’m hopin’ Ahead of my time I’m rapping these rhymes But go unnoticed Never in my life did i think i'd make it Fight, take it Might bend to vice Been in sight, fend or die breaking God I know you hear my pain Twisted system call em' viens Wicked lifted off the reigns Vicious gifted follow flame
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64
the girls had been chattering and laughing in the dining room when suddenly nan, zoey, and madison charged in the room. making everyone stop and look at them. "Alright ******* Madison stood with her arms crossed and an enraged look in her dark brown eyes. "who the **** stole my money???" she questioned. the girls just sat there and looked at her quietly. "okay, none of you broke *** hos want to fess up? you're ballsy enough to take my **** but you're not ballsy enough to stand up to me? i see" Madison shouted. sadness and hostility in her eyes and voice. "who took Madisons money? i wanna know right now!" Cassie stood up in anger. quickly rushing to Madisons aid. Madison nudged her alittle and rolled her eyes. Cassie folded her arms, mimicking exactly what Madison had been doing. "BROKE *** HOESSSS!" Cassie screamed, pointing at all the girls. Pyper rolled her big blue eyes and flipped her long crimson red hair laughing, "nobody stole your money you idiot, you probably just misplaced it." she laughed, fearlessly looking madison straight in the eyes. which made nan look at pyper very suspiciously as she read her mind. "hold my earrings please." Madison began to put her hair up in a bun. "what is going on in here?" Cordelia stormed in the room with her arms folded. "put your shoes on Madison." Cordelia looked at Madison in confusion. "nothing, Madisons spazing out because she thinks that someone took her money. and now she's getting all 'ghetto' and bent out of shape about it. taking her payless heels off like she's actually going to do something." pyper rolled her eyes and joked, making the rest of the girls laugh aswell. "payless? i only wear chanel." Madison flipped her hair. Nan looked Pyper in the eyes suspiciously, shaking her head from side to side. "i'm going to say this once and once only." cordelia shouted. "i will not have any fighting or steeling in this house. and if anyone is caught fighting or steeling, you will be expelled. it's a big bad world out there girls, up until now you've all lived very sheltered lives and i'd hate to send you out in it to fend for yourselves." Cordelia sighed. pyper got a very sad look in her eyes. "sheltered" she snickered, "right." Nan looked at pyper sadly, still reading her mind. "what are you looking at?" Pyper shouted at nan viciously. "i'm not sure yet." Nan replied curiously.
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Jan 29, 2015
Jan 29, 2015 at 1:14 PM UTC
coven fan fic part 4
the girls had been chattering and laughing in the dining room when suddenly nan, zoey, and madison charged in the room. making everyone stop and look at them. "Alright ******* Madison stood with her arms crossed and an enraged look in her dark brown eyes. "who the **** stole my money???" she questioned. the girls just sat there and looked at her quietly. "okay, none of you broke *** hos want to fess up? you're ballsy enough to take my **** but you're not ballsy enough to stand up to me? i see" Madison shouted. sadness and hostility in her eyes and voice. "who took Madisons money? i wanna know right now!" Cassie stood up in anger. quickly rushing to Madisons aid. Madison nudged her alittle and rolled her eyes. Cassie folded her arms, mimicking exactly what Madison had been doing. "BROKE *** HOESSSS!" Cassie screamed, pointing at all the girls. Pyper rolled her big blue eyes and flipped her long crimson red hair laughing, "nobody stole your money you idiot, you probably just misplaced it." she laughed, fearlessly looking madison straight in the eyes. which made nan look at pyper very suspiciously as she read her mind. "hold my earrings please." Madison began to put her hair up in a bun. "what is going on in here?" Cordelia stormed in the room with her arms folded. "put your shoes on Madison." Cordelia looked at Madison in confusion. "nothing, Madisons spazing out because she thinks that someone took her money. and now she's getting all 'ghetto' and bent out of shape about it. taking her payless heels off like she's actually going to do something." pyper rolled her eyes and joked, making the rest of the girls laugh aswell. "payless? i only wear chanel." Madison flipped her hair. Nan looked Pyper in the eyes suspiciously, shaking her head from side to side. "i'm going to say this once and once only." cordelia shouted. "i will not have any fighting or steeling in this house. and if anyone is caught fighting or steeling, you will be expelled. it's a big bad world out there girls, up until now you've all lived very sheltered lives and i'd hate to send you out in it to fend for yourselves." Cordelia sighed. pyper got a very sad look in her eyes. "sheltered" she snickered, "right." Nan looked at pyper sadly, still reading her mind. "what are you looking at?" Pyper shouted at nan viciously. "i'm not sure yet." Nan replied curiously.
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5
I stopped writing for awhile For I had started to forget Forget what it was like to Be left alone again. After you had left I was abandoned With my own thoughts I had to write A love as pure as you is something I cannot find over night. And for some time I was there Stuck in desperation for a little more Left to try and repair my body My life stuck in a repetitious bore. But slowly I pulled myself out Finding serenity through friends Peace of mind came quickly, easier I found that my thoughts of you came to an end. I participated, I went out I let others hold me as you once did And slowly I found life less lonesome To open up and be happy again. But once more you came back knocking With hopes to drag me in And in my foolish glee, I accepted And I went spiraling down again. I got caught up in speaking with you Then forgot that it would soon end For when you got what you had wanted I was left alone to fend. I'm quick to jump to conclusions: Maybe I could get you back again Or I could always turn and find it easiest To stay laughing with my friends. But we both know that I won't choose the latter I'm weak and foolish to try to crawl back But that never matters *For I'm addicted to your attention And I slip down at your suspension.*
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Feb 27, 2014
Feb 27, 2014 at 2:13 PM UTC
Attention Creates Suspension
You threw me to the snakes leaving me to fend for myself, discarding me like an object that you had grown bored of. And, when i crawled out from the pit more powerful than before, venom coursing through my veins , I became the monster. I became the one to be feared. How easy it is to forget that monsters are not born but made and my dear, you are responsible for every inch of the creature I have become.
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Dec 18, 2019
Dec 18, 2019 at 4:44 AM UTC
Monsters
by rgpage face down she rests her naked form head turned from her lover's glance. eye's closed she lies and knowingly waits, (a) loving touch starts passion's dance. his huge hand moves across her back with strokes the touch of butterfly wings. upon her creamy skin so smooth its path now set toward splendered things. his pace a slow deliberate score her passion's breath he brings, from touch so soft, igniting sparks with love her breath now sings. his steady course she knows so well with every touch as if it's new. her sparks of passion love's embers light, love's embers loving hue. down past her rear with feathered touch just knowing where to go, behind her knees his fingers dance to passion's steady flow. their hips now in synchronic dance, love's voluntary ride, she feels his passion grown so hard, now pressed against her side. he cups her breast so gently as if it were a flower, its ****** earlier soft and small now hard with passion's power. and in her ***** great sparks erupt her soft and pleasured flesh. with juices flowing, desire's high to meet love's natural crush. now she turns to meet his lips her passion running high. with savage hunger she pulls him in her hunter now the prey. tables turned their urge well matched desire holds the pace. she takes control and guides his love with feminine stealth and grace. to places only she could know where sparks ignite small streaks of light, that illuminates her soul. together they fend love's tempting end to stay their lover's dance. to take control and reach their goal the essence of their romance.
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Jan 16, 2012
Jan 16, 2012 at 6:35 PM UTC
passion's dance
by rgpage face down she rests her naked form head turned from her lover's glance. eye's closed she lies and knowingly waits, (a) loving touch starts passion's dance. his huge hand moves across her back with strokes the touch of butterfly wings. upon her creamy skin so smooth its path now set toward splendered things. his pace a slow deliberate score her passion's breath he brings, from touch so soft, igniting sparks with love her breath now sings. his steady course she knows so well with every touch as if it's new. her sparks of passion love's embers light, love's embers loving hue. down past her rear with feathered touch just knowing where to go, behind her knees his fingers dance to passion's steady flow. their hips now in synchronic dance, love's voluntary ride, she feels his passion grown so hard, now pressed against her side. he cups her breast so gently as if it were a flower, its ****** earlier soft and small now hard with passion's power. and in her ***** great sparks erupt her soft and pleasured flesh. with juices flowing, desire's high to meet love's natural crush. now she turns to meet his lips her passion running high. with savage hunger she pulls him in her hunter now the prey. tables turned their urge well matched desire holds the pace. she takes control and guides his love with feminine stealth and grace. to places only she could know where sparks ignite small streaks of light, that illuminates her soul. together they fend love's tempting end to stay their lover's dance. to take control and reach their goal the essence of their romance.
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50
Sun up till sun down Trapped in a perpetual frown Moon comes then she goes Drops free fall from my nose Waking hours in the daylight Aimless motions; clumsy, puppet-like Waking hours in the night Uncomfortable in my own skin and psych Sleeplessness be my companion Restlessness be my actions Despondence be my demon Crest fallen be my reason Frantically sifting through my head Vertically upright or supine in bed Compartmentalising might be key To fend off self inflicted insanity Desperation hangs overhead; ripe and bruised Excuses upon excuses ridiculously overused Furiously typing before my mind curds Hopes of finding peace in these unspoken words
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Sep 16, 2014
Sep 16, 2014 at 10:45 PM UTC
Desperation
Like a captive, I capture rapture wrapping around stakes that matter Joan of Arc battered Also tattered but, easily dismissive Refracted from fractured prominent phrases people play with Distinctly persuasive and evasive, dressed boyishly attractive, lax stature, dawning armor crafted by absence as if asked about it- I’m drifted Protection is principle prerequisite, when fire is lit I sort of implore your aorta before it’s incinerated to ashes Dethatched as a habit, with swords or hatchets crafted to singe heartstrings that attached it While I slash slick Rick as a quick fix, To fend for pretend pretenses or presumed tricks, I can’t quit Cause I hit lips against hash spliffs fashioned with dashes of passion all while rationing fireball cinnamon sips Martyr to avoidance I gaze at fabled dazed gossipers galvanizing grips on gritty grapevines while licking warning labels through smoke haze on blurred lines Capably unstable Other eyes attending scandal circles able to shout lies and rekindle handed arguments on tables with locked smiles stay boxed in Avidly amiable Searching for counterparts when combusted or branded Toying with matches loses meaning when rules reseed Those vagabonds claim love is some all end hard bent to mend what the same above can’t comprehend. Breaking boredom, I pillage pillows with night terrors And ardent arsonists yearn for flames that churn, turn, liquefy and learn learned thoughts and smoldered feelings Completely complacent Melting in one another they are completing each other like two candles tryst true at a wedding day However later the blaze is severed, smoke sears, and charred black wick stands alone for them. Aggressive and progressive. As for me never pleading, fire forever fleets to streets between iron bars I built that cage in deep heat and seep dire dreams once desired Suppose I’m a skeptic Roasted or disconnected Just jaded, just met you Always over it too soon Burnt but I’m amused. I’m useful.
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Jun 9, 2014
Jun 9, 2014 at 11:59 PM UTC
Martyr
Like a captive, I capture rapture wrapping around stakes that matter Joan of Arc battered Also tattered but, easily dismissive Refracted from fractured prominent phrases people play with Distinctly persuasive and evasive, dressed boyishly attractive, lax stature, dawning armor crafted by absence as if asked about it- I’m drifted Protection is principle prerequisite, when fire is lit I sort of implore your aorta before it’s incinerated to ashes Dethatched as a habit, with swords or hatchets crafted to singe heartstrings that attached it While I slash slick Rick as a quick fix, To fend for pretend pretenses or presumed tricks, I can’t quit Cause I hit lips against hash spliffs fashioned with dashes of passion all while rationing fireball cinnamon sips Martyr to avoidance I gaze at fabled dazed gossipers galvanizing grips on gritty grapevines while licking warning labels through smoke haze on blurred lines Capably unstable Other eyes attending scandal circles able to shout lies and rekindle handed arguments on tables with locked smiles stay boxed in Avidly amiable Searching for counterparts when combusted or branded Toying with matches loses meaning when rules reseed Those vagabonds claim love is some all end hard bent to mend what the same above can’t comprehend. Breaking boredom, I pillage pillows with night terrors And ardent arsonists yearn for flames that churn, turn, liquefy and learn learned thoughts and smoldered feelings Completely complacent Melting in one another they are completing each other like two candles tryst true at a wedding day However later the blaze is severed, smoke sears, and charred black wick stands alone for them. Aggressive and progressive. As for me never pleading, fire forever fleets to streets between iron bars I built that cage in deep heat and seep dire dreams once desired Suppose I’m a skeptic Roasted or disconnected Just jaded, just met you Always over it too soon Burnt but I’m amused. I’m useful.
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34
* *The witches heart is made of straw, witches' heart is no heart at all.* *The witch ideal a nature's fend, her heart desires the human end.* *The vines contort limb, Lycurgus' gape. as a punishment for, man's unholy **** ' ' ' '
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Sep 5, 2017
Sep 5, 2017 at 7:05 PM UTC
Dr. June Moone
I've learned to hate uncertainty. Changes that come cursedly unannounced. The future glass is half empty, and leaking. God, Luck, and the Fates have lost my file. Tossed by mistake to the recycling bin, to fend for itself. Time is the only one that plods along, dragging moment after moment to the slaughter, though they shriek never taking a day off. Death is the only certainty and even he works by spontaneity.
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May 20, 2014
May 20, 2014 at 10:54 PM UTC
Uncertainty
I lie in the sand under the palm tree Sand between the toes, crashing in the sea. I count the stars, for the seventh time now With the moon out, I nearly forget how My meals come few, and far in between. Could the fish be sparser, so it would seem There's so much time between my feasts to think Ocean surrounds, yet not a drop to drink. I ponder at the moon and recognize How its hue reveals the deceit and lies You, my misty moon, I remember you When I saw you last, in agony, too. Those I held dearest left me here to rot To wander about, within pain and thought To fend for myself and survive alone And march ahead in bracing the unknown I lie in wait tearing my own nails Wondering what first will come, death or sails? Until then, I'll forsake those who left me. And draw closer to the sun whilst I be.
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Feb 12, 2010
Feb 12, 2010 at 7:15 AM UTC
Company of Seashells
All will be lost, And all will be found once again when you are not looking. But I can never not look. It is the bane of my existence. I survive on the meeting of eyes, the nod of heads, the shake of necks. All is well, as long as you keep your distance. So don't come near. Enjoy the looks, the smiles, but never think about touch. I will burn you as soon as skins make contact. I promise you, I will make your body a living hell. I will turn your soul into ash. I am the Lilith's daughter, You don't know what I am capable of. I fend for myself. I do not need your pity. I don't need you. You may stay in the fringes for the time being, But when it is time for you to leave, Leave and never look back, Never think back, Never talk back, never never... I am Lilith's daughter, You don't know what i'm capable of Keep your words Keep your love, if that's what you want to call it. Keep anything you could offer me. Nothing you can give me will make me satiated. I am so much more. I am the Lilith's daughter, And you don't know what I'm capable of.
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Mar 21, 2016
Mar 21, 2016 at 4:44 PM UTC
Lilith's Daughter
*When happiness and smiles you have within grasp They’ll charge in with swords of pain and sadness Raise your shield with a tighter clasp Be strong, be strong against your demons! As achievements and great success chimes They’ll attempt to feed it with arrogance and pride Keep watch and be aware at all times Be strong, be strong against your demons! While innocence and upright honesty comforts They’ll rebel on with lies and sly deceits Restrict them from ever passing forth Be strong, be strong against your demons! Among the midst of compassion and pure love They’ll counter with anger and ugly hatred Fend them off with all the might you have Be strong, be strong against your demons! They will be close your whole life They will force themselves in Do not let them win Be strong, be strong against your demons!*
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Jun 5, 2015
Jun 5, 2015 at 7:45 PM UTC
Be Strong Against Your Demons
The moon shines down below On us pathetic mortals With nothing but malice to our name And myths of love to counter those. Love and hate aren't opposites For they both display passion Ground-breaking passion But indifference. Indifference Is where true evil lies Then again, evil is but the absence of good So let us rephrase,   Indifference is like smoke to us humans Flighty at best, comes and disappears. Something we desperately try to hang on to But it always slips away Leaving nothing but a slight smell As a reminder of the numbness That was indifference. In comparison to this, Passion is like the tree Which has deep roots And has seen many a tale occur If you try and remove it, It will leave a crater, where it stood. Lives that nested in it will be lost. Left to fend for themselves, Most will not survive the felling. The ones that do, will flee To something similar. When these don't remain, The earth will be in ashes.
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Aug 6, 2012
Aug 6, 2012 at 7:57 AM UTC
Passion and indifference
We will work together through sweat and strain, coffee in hand as we drink late night to numb the pain. Times may bare tension blicking with blame, but we'll get down to play the Game. You have my back and I yours, through the night. Though the score low we shall last the fight. Like crazy glue we will stick together and fend off the storm, as dark clouds break off, We will stand. Then we shall say we fought together, and never gave up to die!
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Feb 1, 2019
Feb 1, 2019 at 12:49 AM UTC
The Team Chant
With all of your mind, can you imagine… living a sacred and a victorious Life, whereby you become more like The Christ? With all of your heart, can you believe… that you’re covered by His righteousness and an embodiment of God’s poetic finesse? With all of your might, can you achieve… the desires that He has purposed for you? Can you envision His promises coming true when daring to imagine, believe and trust Him? Only your lack of Faith- can hold you back; pray continually to fend off ungodly attacks of evil, that originate within the darkness of this world; know that you still possess Salvation and have been… permanently blessed! . . . Author Notes Inspired by: 1 John 5:4-5; 2 Cor 5:21; Rom 3:22, 6:23, 8:31-39; Eph 2:8-10, 6:12; Isa 40:31; John 1:12; Prov 19:21 Learn more about me and my poetry at: http://amzn.to/1ffo9YZ By Joseph J. Breunig 3rd, © 2015, All rights reserved.
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Mar 19, 2015
Mar 19, 2015 at 12:47 PM UTC
Poem: Imagine. Believe. Achieve.
Sunny days and rainy nights, Thunder howling causing fright, Everyone says it will be alright, Try to endure with human might. Places I'll go, and places I've been , Where will I start, where will I end , No one to tell me , no one to send, Letters to my family if I can't fend . Time goes on and days go by, Years and years seem to fly, Time goes on and tears are cried, Life's a roller coaster, enjoy the ride. Ups and downs from time to time, Try to keep your head right, rhyme for rhyme, Work hard as you can, dime for dime, Following the wind , chime for chime, Don't expect humility, life is raw, Fall down, bounce up, like a see saw. When you're down you will find, Emotions on paper can ease your mind, Write what you feel, it can free your bind, Life is a ***** and death is kind. Only thing I've left to say, Live, laugh, love and enjoy the day.
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Oct 27, 2013
Oct 27, 2013 at 8:23 PM UTC
Sunny Days and Rainy Nights.
Fear; its your best friend When for yourself you cannot fend It sticks by your side- company It stays with you through thick and thin Every which way you turn Beneath your skin, it burns It comes and goes from the surface But does not cease to return
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Jan 12, 2015
Jan 12, 2015 at 8:06 AM UTC
Fear
I lied when I said I could trust you again. I lied when I said I could easily fend. I lied when I said I was telling the truth. I lied when I told you this was proof. I lied when I told you he looked fine. I lied when I told you it left with the time. I lied when I said it was no big deal. I lied when I told you I could give you time to heal. I lied when I told you I was fine. I lied when I told you I’ve never lied. I lied when I said he wasn’t my best friend. I lied when I told you how much time I don’t spend. Talking to him. I lied when I told you I was doing okay. I lied when I didn’t lie straight to your face. I lied when I didn’t tell you how I felt. I lied when I was uncomfortable and didn’t tell. I lied when I kept a straight face. I lied when I ran past you, upping my pace. I’d be lying if I said I don’t want to tell you. But I’d still be lying if I wasn’t being true. I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about you every day. I’d be lying if I said I was okay. With you not being here, Not knowing why I fear. I’m lying when I say I’m fine without you. I’m lying when I say I’m over what I didn’t do yet. I’m lying when I tell people I didn’t ask for advice about you. I’m lying when I say it’s about someone else. I’m lying when I say I don’t want to be with you. I’m lying when I say I know you like me too. I’m lying when I know I can’t escape. This lying is covering me like a cape. I’m not a liar all the time. But I can’t stop lying, When I tell you I’m fine. Just to see the smile on your face. It makes me feel better. I’m almost okay when I see that smile. It almost makes it all go away. If I saw it more than once a year, Maybe I wouldn’t have to lie about being okay. But don't you tell me you're okay too, Because we both know it isn't true.
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Jan 29, 2018
Jan 29, 2018 at 9:53 AM UTC
I'm Okay
I lied when I said I could trust you again. I lied when I said I could easily fend. I lied when I said I was telling the truth. I lied when I told you this was proof. I lied when I told you he looked fine. I lied when I told you it left with the time. I lied when I said it was no big deal. I lied when I told you I could give you time to heal. I lied when I told you I was fine. I lied when I told you I’ve never lied. I lied when I said he wasn’t my best friend. I lied when I told you how much time I don’t spend. Talking to him. I lied when I told you I was doing okay. I lied when I didn’t lie straight to your face. I lied when I didn’t tell you how I felt. I lied when I was uncomfortable and didn’t tell. I lied when I kept a straight face. I lied when I ran past you, upping my pace. I’d be lying if I said I don’t want to tell you. But I’d still be lying if I wasn’t being true. I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about you every day. I’d be lying if I said I was okay. With you not being here, Not knowing why I fear. I’m lying when I say I’m fine without you. I’m lying when I say I’m over what I didn’t do yet. I’m lying when I tell people I didn’t ask for advice about you. I’m lying when I say it’s about someone else. I’m lying when I say I don’t want to be with you. I’m lying when I say I know you like me too. I’m lying when I know I can’t escape. This lying is covering me like a cape. I’m not a liar all the time. But I can’t stop lying, When I tell you I’m fine. Just to see the smile on your face. It makes me feel better. I’m almost okay when I see that smile. It almost makes it all go away. If I saw it more than once a year, Maybe I wouldn’t have to lie about being okay. But don't you tell me you're okay too, Because we both know it isn't true.
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44
Father figures through out my life they fall to pieces for my mother, only to get swept out by her broom when the floor the family is depending on gets too filthy to dwell in. Blame this on the fact that Pisces is in Saturn in my birth chart. It was never in the cards for me to have a father. I no longer have to play the role of a daughter. My age has outgrown that possibility, my mother could never keep a man in the house for too long, on the surface she is strong but my mother makes us sleep in her bed for a reason. I came from a male chromosome that came from a body that has yet to perish but dead to my existence. I don't mind this, except nights when I'm pure tragic madness, and he pulls up in front of my house while I'm drinking wine and puffing chemicals. Hello, you made me but we don't speak. Strange sadness but mammals don't need parents to fend for them once one hits a certain degree of awareness. But I thank him anyways for giving me life.
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Sep 5, 2013
Sep 5, 2013 at 4:51 PM UTC
Pisces in Saturn
I thought you considered me a friend You were always nice to me But I am afraid That I thought wrong Well, being wrong has become as common As India failing to win a global cricket tournament Especially as far as people are concerned Thanks to my autism Though I was not aware of it When I was in college with you all I was always seen as different Well, it is true that I am different But I was never one of you I was a lone wolf Left to fend for myself At the slightest hint of trouble You never took me seriously I was always the problem child Who just needed to "grow up" And then everything would be taken care of It also didn't help That I was a South Indian Though my Hindi was decent You always saw me as a "Madrasi" But I saw you all as human beings Not fair-skinned North Indians Anyway, you must understand one thing Friendship is not a joke It is a serious relationship If you can't be friends after college Then you can never be friends at all Don't call me a friend And then take me for granted Leaving me to drown In a pool of my deepest insecurities Which, by the way Would never have been created in the first place Had you possessed the guts To be honest with me Right from the start Instead of playing your precious games Just call me an acquaintance And be done with it Full stop
0
Dec 10, 2022
Dec 10, 2022 at 10:50 AM UTC
Friendship Is Not A Joke
All I wanted was a cigarette. We weren't allowed to smoke. He knew where to go. We swept sidewalks together. Raked sand together. Talked about life together. His window was across from mine. I think he saw me changing once. Maybe more than once. He was getting dishonorably discharged. I didn't think he was a good man. I didn't think he was a bad one, either. It had been two weeks since I landed in Monterey. I only wanted a cigarette. He knew where to go. I bought the Southern Comfort and bottom shelf gin. He carried them with him to his room. I didn't think anything of it. We raked sand together. We ate lunch together. We watched movies together. We sat on a makeshift bench by the ditch by the installation fence. We drank and smoked and laughed. I taught him Farsi and he taught me Russian. Russian for "hello" and "goodbye." Russian for "This is allowed." Russian for "This is not allowed." I think he saw me changing once. He tried to kiss me on the cheek. I told him no, my boyfriend wouldn't like that very much. We smoked some more. We drank some more. We laughed some more. It was 2130. I had to be in my room by 2200. He said not to worry, I'd be back in time. I insisted and tried to leave. I fell to the ground. He didn't help me up. I only wanted a cigarette. He kissed me on the mouth. I did not kiss him back. I was immobile. Paralyzed. Drugged? He kissed me again. And again. And again. I did not kiss him back. I had a boyfriend. All I wanted was to smoke and drink and laugh. He grabbed me by the ankles. Pulled me over the ditch behind the army barracks by the installation fence. I could hear soldiers coming back to their rooms. I was paralyzed. I always thought I would fight. Fend him off with car keys stuffed between my fingers. I looked up at the tree branches above me, my watch said 2147. That was the last time I prayed to God. There were leaves in my hair and dirt on my arms. There was something less than a man between my legs. It looked at me with hate in its eyes. We swept sidewalks together. God kicked back and swigged a PBR      while I was ***** behind the army barracks,      over the ditch by the installation fence. He helped me up. I couldn't stand on my own. How sweet. I vomited by a tree. I was disgusted with myself and him and God. I wanted to drown in Southern Comfort and bottom shelf gin. He walked me to my barracks building. How sweet. I made it to my room by 2200. All the girls watched me stumble down the hallway. I was so violently alone. Taps wailed outside the window. I left my hat by the bench by the ditch by the installation fence. He brought it to me the next morning. How sweet.
0
Apr 22, 2013
Apr 22, 2013 at 8:38 PM UTC
casuals
All I wanted was a cigarette. We weren't allowed to smoke. He knew where to go. We swept sidewalks together. Raked sand together. Talked about life together. His window was across from mine. I think he saw me changing once. Maybe more than once. He was getting dishonorably discharged. I didn't think he was a good man. I didn't think he was a bad one, either. It had been two weeks since I landed in Monterey. I only wanted a cigarette. He knew where to go. I bought the Southern Comfort and bottom shelf gin. He carried them with him to his room. I didn't think anything of it. We raked sand together. We ate lunch together. We watched movies together. We sat on a makeshift bench by the ditch by the installation fence. We drank and smoked and laughed. I taught him Farsi and he taught me Russian. Russian for "hello" and "goodbye." Russian for "This is allowed." Russian for "This is not allowed." I think he saw me changing once. He tried to kiss me on the cheek. I told him no, my boyfriend wouldn't like that very much. We smoked some more. We drank some more. We laughed some more. It was 2130. I had to be in my room by 2200. He said not to worry, I'd be back in time. I insisted and tried to leave. I fell to the ground. He didn't help me up. I only wanted a cigarette. He kissed me on the mouth. I did not kiss him back. I was immobile. Paralyzed. Drugged? He kissed me again. And again. And again. I did not kiss him back. I had a boyfriend. All I wanted was to smoke and drink and laugh. He grabbed me by the ankles. Pulled me over the ditch behind the army barracks by the installation fence. I could hear soldiers coming back to their rooms. I was paralyzed. I always thought I would fight. Fend him off with car keys stuffed between my fingers. I looked up at the tree branches above me, my watch said 2147. That was the last time I prayed to God. There were leaves in my hair and dirt on my arms. There was something less than a man between my legs. It looked at me with hate in its eyes. We swept sidewalks together. God kicked back and swigged a PBR      while I was ***** behind the army barracks,      over the ditch by the installation fence. He helped me up. I couldn't stand on my own. How sweet. I vomited by a tree. I was disgusted with myself and him and God. I wanted to drown in Southern Comfort and bottom shelf gin. He walked me to my barracks building. How sweet. I made it to my room by 2200. All the girls watched me stumble down the hallway. I was so violently alone. Taps wailed outside the window. I left my hat by the bench by the ditch by the installation fence. He brought it to me the next morning. How sweet.
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