I only feel safe with you,
in your bed and under your sheets,
in your arms listening to your heart beat

I am drowning when I am home alone,
I am so scared of myself and my malignant intentions,
Things that to you, I never wish to mention

I am ashamed of these thoughts,
the ones that sadly calms my head,
the ones in which I am always dead

But then I get to see you again,
and my heart swells so full and beats so fast,
I look into your eyes and my fears crash

But I cannot be with you constantly,
So I sink into you for a moment as these feelings begin to return,
And those feelings are the ones that truly burn

is to write about my dying mother,
perhaps as damage control to help
begin to heal the gaping wound
that she will leave
behind with me

"take it day by day" they say,
but how can I do that when
some days are so beautiful,
with the sunshine upon my face
& the grass between my fingers.

but how can I do that when
some days the rug is pulled from under me,
with broken hands desperately reaching
& nothing to grab ahold of to steady me.

some days I drown and some days I swim,
but most days I just want to stay in.

My father is 54
My mother will be 55
My brother is 21

My father cannot lift over 30 lbs without dropping dead
My mother cannot lift herself from her bed

My father can only survive on an array of medications
My mother survives by the grace of Adonai and Radiation

My brother wants to **** himself
with a gun he says one day he will get a license
I beg him to stay with me, I try to talk some sense

My father can no longer do the things that he loves
My mother can no longer do most things in general
My brother's misery is congenital

I beg them to stay with me but can only do so much
God has turned his back on us

"I'm treading carefully" you say
with lips that touch mine so sweetly
like warm chamomile that heats my body

A fire is meant to be kindled
and here you are stoking the flames
slowly and gently but
you swear you can't do it
that you're still too damaged

And so my flames die out and I wonder
is it worth trying to keep my fire
when we both know that
neither of us are able to nurture it
especially not right now

But one day I want you
to come and see if we can light it again