Beautiful words
Lush words
Unique words.
Long words.

Masterfully wielded words

They caress my ears
They kiss my lips
They are ****** in my mouth.
They tangle on my tongue.

They spill out of you
and into me.

You keep everyone
two arms’ lengths away.
You’re untouchable.
Everyone wants a touch
But this way you’re safe.
No one can touch you.
No one can hurt you.

I have days where I laugh for no reason;
absolutely everything amuses me to no end.

I have days where nothing makes me happy;
not hugs, not food, not running, not you.

I have days where everyone is irritating;
I try to tell people. They irritate me too.

I laugh too much. At all the wrong times.
I’m moody. I’m a pain in the ***. I'm going to hurt you.

I'd never tell you this
...
I'd never tell anyone this
...
here, in the dark of night
I miss you.
It's not that I haven't replaced you
and replaced you
over and over again

I shiver
...
I can't stop
...
Perhaps it's the time of year; the cold
You were the only love I'd ever had around the holidays
Perhaps it's just the stability I missed; strong arms
You were always my rock
Perhaps it's how my parents loved you; too much really
You were so, so good to me


Maybe I'm just lonely.

Some meals you tire of before they're finished.
You push your plate away
the taste ash in your mouth
finished with even the idea of that flavor gracing your pallet again.

Some meals you devoir wantonly until there's nothing left.
They leave you hungry still.
You are forced to go find more to eat
another meal to fill you up better; more completely.

Some meals you nurse as long as you can.
They are savored tiny bite by tiny bite
you hoping to drag out the pleasure as long as you can
not wanting it to end.

Some meals you make as often as possible.
They become your favorite
delicious and effortless.
You eat them often without regret of calories or regard for consequences.

We’re sitting on a hill. We’re listening to someone over the age of 40 introduce a band he says is lyrically good. I half-heartedly cheer when they take the stage. He looks at me, eyes twinkling and says,

“No, no, no. Like you mean it.”

“But....fine. Wooooo!”

“Come on. Like you mean it!” he chides, grinning. I relent and attempt to cheer ‘like I mean it.'

I let out an enthusiastic, “WOOOOOO hahahaha !”

I’m laughing as I cheer, finding that meaning it is fun. It’s invigorating. Being here with him, meaning it is perfectly fine. It’s been so long since I’ve had fun; so long since I’ve felt alive.

Feeling alive is meaning it. It’s just going, doing, feeling. It’s giving someone a door through those walls I’ve so carefully crafted. It’s the horrible hangover you get when you realize you’ve had too much ‘meaning it.' It’s living in the moment. Isn’t life just a compilation of moments anyway? Always mean it.

I miss you.
Not *******.
I miss
You.
I miss your smile when I have a hard time waking up.
I miss you teasing me about my inability to go a day without spilling food on myself.
I miss knowing what you're thinking about; all ten things.
I miss the way we never walk in step.
I miss your wolffish grin when you're about to say something ****.
I miss the way you look at me and actually see who I am.
I miss talking to you after work until you fall asleep in my passenger seat; trying to stay awake but failing in spite of yourself.
I miss the way your hair sticks up eight different directions in the morning like a super Sayan
I miss conversations around the clock.
I miss your worries and your fears;
Your concern
Your empathy
Your laugh.
I miss you.

the game has ceased to be fun
you don’t want to settle anymore
you’re so bored with waiting
waiting for him to show up
waiting for him to notice you’re
right
there
hold on my dear

**you’re far too young to be so jaded little girl

Do you know what it's like to rewire your brain?
To lie to yourself for years about something?
Because that lie is easier to understand than what you know in your gut?
Because you can't explain what you know?
Because it's easier to lie to yourself so well that even you believe it than it is to acknowledge that you are terrified and lost and alone and that you don't know when that's going to stop?

I’m a boredom buster
I’m a midnight snack
I’m a pointless drive
I’m an occasional drink to calm the nerves
I’m here nor there
I’m not going to be in the future
Why dwell on the past?

Love of Wisdom
You don’t seem so wise to me
You spend all day questioning
Searching

I’ve noticed this double standard
you don’t like to be searched
you don’t like to be questioned
you object to my endless curiosity

I’m curious
I’m headstrong
I speak my mind
I act

You told me not to try to change you
I ask that you extend me the same courtesy

I want you.
I do.
I want to sleep next to you.
I want to have morning coffee with you.
I want to tell you about the stupid things that happen during my day.
I want to cook dinner with you.
I want to shower the day off with you and stroke your hair as you relax before bed.
I want to talk deep into the night with my cheek resting in the supple skin where your neck meets your shoulder.
I want to kiss your bearded jaw line and fall asleep nestled against you; fit around you
where I belong.

gentle hands and kisses wake me
my own brand of heroine
his face next to mine
holds me closely

it’s not healthy for me
or so i’m told
I thought I swore this off
a long long time ago

yet here he is
in my bed, in my arms
I’m unable to say what’s healthy
I’m an addict

I look it, don’t I?
under-slept with smudged make-up
too thin
un-gorgeous despite his words

I’m an addict
keen for another fix
I’m a ramshackle building
waiting to fall in on itself again

You're unsure your potential is worth keeping around.
You love life enough to leave it and protect everyone from you.
**** your protection. You know how I feel about that.
"Everything will be okay"?
"It always is"?
Nothing in me will feel okay until I can wrap my arms around you and feel you again.

She’s not the kind of girl you put on your “roster” or decide to only see sometimes. The universe isn’t going to throw her at you twice. She’s the kind of girl you lock down as soon as you can. That’s the problem. You know that. You sense it; even if you aren’t ready or can’t give her what she needs. You try. And you fail. Inevitably she gets spooked and you lose her anyway.

She doesn’t need you. She doesn’t need me, or you, or him. Never has and never will. She wants you. She wants you and she isn’t afraid to tell you that; to show you that. She’s not someone you can game; or a game you can play. She doesn’t play.

She takes her love seriously with a side of whimsy. She wants it all and she wants it now. Play with her and she’ll get tired. She'll walk away. She’ll try to poke and **** you in the right direction, but if you take too long you’ll lose her. She knows what she wants and she knows what you want. She knows it better than you do. That’s why you want her. That’s why you want nothing to do with her.

The brunt of your being:
I want it.
Anything you’ve been shielding me from.
Monsoons. Tornados. Earthquakes.
All of it. I want all of you.
I want to know what I’m missing.
Hit me with all that you have.

I want the walls down:
yours and mine.
I want one relationship where things aren’t obstructed by walls.
I want one person in my life to inhabit the same spaces with.
Be that person.
You know you could be.

" I just felt the need to tell you
you're beautiful."
Why did you feel that need?
Do I strike you as someone who doesn't know,
who isn't told often,
who is looking for your attention?
Did you need to force me to pay attention to your energy?
Did I invite your attention by entering your visual space?
Was I asking for it?

"Your boyfriend,
you probably have one of those,
is a very lucky man.
You're gorgeous."
Is that so?
I don't have one.
Haven't in years.
Why didn't you ask my name
my occupation
my dreams?

"You're very attractive.
You probably have a great man in your life."
I don't.
No man.
Great or otherwise.
If I were ugly would I be less deserving of great?
What would you say makes a great man?
How do you know I belong with one?

"You're very lucky to be here with her.
She's the cutest girl in the room."
I am not his property.
You sound like you're offering a compliment on his dog.
I am not a dog or a thing to be complimented.
Did he groom me this way?
Have you even heard me speak?

I am not the summation of my experiences with men.
I am not the totality of my beauty or outward traits.
I am not property
I am not a token
I am not a symbol of worth.

I am a woman
with a voice
talents
feelings
wants
needs

I am a full life.
I am a woman.

You don't talk
I'm afraid I've done wrong;
afraid you've changed your mind; afraid you will change your mind still. I'm afraid.
My past. Your past. Our history.
It makes me afraid.

There's a sweet spot
between the crazy passion of a newly begun fire
and the embers of a fire which someone has tried to extinguish.
During that nice slow burn there is bliss to be found.
There is beauty and warmth.
As long as you keep feeding it and respecting it, it won't go away.
You can keep that fire nice and controlled
warm for you for a lifetime.
Or you can douse it with cold water, hope it goes out,
try to pretend you never had a fire to begin with;
convince yourself that you were going to get burned if you kept enjoying its warmth.

being loyal is pie
being good is cake
one never wants to lie
when love may be at stake

It's not feasible for me to depend on you to wrap me up and protect me from the world as much as I would like that to be so.

I can't come curl up on your lap every time the world takes a swing at me.

I can't call you in the middle of every busy day to whine that people are irritating.

I can't expect you to be there every night to hear me vent or emote about my day.

I can't depend on your comfort. I need to depend on me.

Still, I'm sitting here trying to calm down

And I ******* miss you.

I'm afraid...
                of being alone in the dark
                of roller coasters
                of relinquishing control
                of hurricanes                and tornadoes
                of letting you love me

I don't want...
                    to go to the race/game/match
                    to eat here
                    to play this game
                    to have ***                just yet
                    to get hurt again

I need you...
                  to take me somewhere
                  to clean this up
                  to talk to me
                  to show me                 and tell me


                  **now

You're in or you're out.
Make the choice.
Decide.
I'm here, with an open heart,
willing to set aside my baggage and travel this unexplored road unburdened by my past.
I'd love for you to join me.

Understanding.
Safety.
Comfort.
Home.
I sleep better when you're here.
I feel better when you're touching me.
Even just a brush against your leg or your back behind me as I roll over.
You are what I crave the second anything is wrong
and the second anything is right.
You are a comfort I didn't think it possible to have.
I don't know what I give you that keeps you here, but I'm glad of it.
Please stay.

I'm drinking good coffee and eating good foods and watching fires burn low and gazing at crisp, clear, sparkly night skies.

And you aren't!

I'm reading books. I'm watching films. I'm listening to new music. I'm learning new things. I'm meeting new people and growing, growing, growing.

And you're not!

I'm creating art works and planning and writing and going new places and exploring new things. I am walking up city side walks and down country roads and hiking up old trails and seeing ruins.

And you are not.

I wish you were here with me; doing these things.

**** you. You aren't.

You're a bundle of contradictions
You're gorgeously insecure.
You're an arrogant disaster.
I want you all the more for it.

I feel bound.
*******.
Caged.
This lack of action
Lack of knowing
Sitting tight
Waiting for you to return to me
Ties me in knots.
Turns me inside out.
Fills me with fury and fear and upset.
And need.

Don’t think.
Just act.
Revel in the beauty of the moment.

Don’t think about what comes next.
Just feel.
Improvise: Play the melody by ear.

Don’t think about the illogic of it all.
Just love.

I have so much to give.
So much to offer.
And no where to put it
It's this constant feeling
Like I know what I am, what I want, what I need
and there's nothing to do with it right now.
I'm waiting to stumble upon someone with the same needs and wants
and massive soul with too much to give.
I'm waiting on someone to wake up and live life as much as I do;
to just have this huge energy that wants to play and mingle with my massive soul and huge energy.
Do you reach a time where people suddenly love life?
Do people start to feel more alive
or do they stay mostly dead
I don't want to feel dead.
My vulnerable open loud insides need people with the same guts.
I need people who feel familiar;
people who love loudly and often.

Don't really know when it's okay to talk to you
Is it okay to talk to you?
You only answer at certain times
Maybe you're just busy
Maybe you have nothing to talk about
I want to talk to you about everything though.
I want to tell you about my day
About my classes
My lack of art this week
My professors
My classmates
My job
Veronica's dog.
I feel like I would be a bother if I did that.
So I try to say nothing.

Hey, It's me
You know who I am

I'm here for the long hall
I'm stuck fast, going nowhere soon

don't know how to quit
don't know how to bail

Wouldn't even if I could
It's not my nature

Give yourself (and me) a break
try not to make me wish I could get away

It took me 10 years to let you in. 10 years to allow you to look at me and truly see me. 10 years for me to let you look at the piece of me I've never gotten back. That piece is yours. Hell, all of me is yours if you want it. I don't know if I can bear to be anyone else's now, knowing what I know; how things could be. And this is why it took 10 years. I've always been afraid that once I tried you I wouldn't have a taste for anything else. I let you in completely. No walls. No pretenses. No pretending I didn't. Now what?

Today I am sadness
Today the world is too much
I am angst
I am worry
I am holding back tears
Today I am unrequited
Today I am longing
I am concern
I am need
I am just going through the motions
Today I am confused
Today I am a headache
I am a heartache
I am weighed upon

Snow falls outside
the library lights go out as we walk out into it

study dates are a bit of an oxymoron aren’t they?
somehow simultaneously less date than study
less study than date

they’re the sort of thing
that leave you with more questions than answers
from calculus to what exactly was meant

we walk to my dorm
under lamp posts
and the ever present snow

a hug good-bye,
“goodnight,”
and he walks away

the snow falls more rapidly
we both turn back as if waiting

'Good Morning Sunshine'
those are words I long to hear
ushered from your lips
as you roll over to caress me awake

If I'm entirely honest,
I simply wish to awaken to you

I feel.
It’s so new.
So acutely painful.
When had I forgotten how to feel?
Did I get so caught up in being loved,
that I forgot how?
I remember.
You force me to remember.
I’m tangled in knots.
I’m edgy.
I’m confused.
I’m freaked.
Are you?

every time
you ask the same questions
sometimes twice

                     Why on earth are you here with me?
                     You look at me like you genuinely care.
                     Why?

my answers are mangled messes
there's no absolute truth
only many components of why

tonight I am quiet
I contemplate how to say
exactly what I mean for once
  
                            I thought you were adorable, and interesting
                            at that ridiculous icebreaker the very first day.        
                            I do care. You're a genuinely good guy.
                          
Maybe eventually
I'll be able to finish what I mean.
Maybe someday I'll answer:

                            **You're everything I've ever waited for...

You're my other.
You understand.
You engage.
You listen and mull things over and discuss.
You let me run
and you run with me.
You don't just let me run and wait for me to come back.
You run next to me.
You exhilarate me.
You allow me to breathe.
You breathe for me when I can't breathe for myself.
I miss you terribly.

I live to see you look at me like I'm the most beautiful creature you've ever laid eyes on.
You brush my hair behind my ear gently and run your fingers along my cheek.
"You have the most beautiful ears.
Ears are such a strange thing to love about a person, but I do love them.
I love your ears. Little, delicate pixie ears.
My tiny manic pixie dream girl."
I live to hear that I'm yours.
I live to hear you say anything really

You didn't say, "Come here and stop being so scornful, you stubborn little woman."

So I didn't say, "Why should I?"

And You didn't say, "Because I love you."

And I didn't put aside my fears and doubts to bury myself in your arms and say, "I know."

And You never held me while I cried happy tears of relief as I added, "I love you too."

"don't ever worry
             when we're back at school"
you said
              "you know how I feel
               about you"

of course I do.
  I know what
                      you said
    I remember
    **every word