old habits die hard
isn’t this where she always runs
straight into the arms of a man

“little miss independent” she acts
in a way maybe she is...
&& they all think they’re using her

each one serves a purpose
a place for her to hide
somewhere to weather the storm

they’re just a quick escape
shelter from the empty
a way to get away from the shambles

each one ends a bit differently
takes a little more out of her
**each shambles paves the way for the next

I fell asleep smiling last night
wide awake nestled in your chest
where I've learned I like to be

I fell asleep trying not to laugh
for sheer joy of your affection
Please don't ever keep it from me

Is it possible
that you meant
everything you said?

an inquiring,
lonely mind
needs to know

"I'm home."
My whole plan for the night has changed.
"Let me throw on some real clothes and makeup"
"You don't need makeup"
"Oh the makeup isn't for you. The makeup is so I can deal with reflective surfaces."
I am there in less than a half hour.
You wrap me in a hug.
It's as if some sort of missing gear drops into place in that moment.
So many things are said in that one embrace.
Did it look that way to the casual observer? Or did it look like an average hug between friends?
There were no casual observers.
We're in a bar.
Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.
You drink yours with Coke.
Mine has honey and is on the rocks.
"Are you two talking? Seeing one another?"
In unison: "No. Just friends."
Did anyone smell the lie before I recognized it?
My leg rests against yours.
You text me to communicate thoughts over the others' heads.
"Are you okay? I know he's a bit much. We can leave?"
"I'm fine. He's fine. Do you want to leave?"
We're leaving to join friends at a house.
We route through an ally to visit your brother's first.
You're in front of me. Beside me. around me. Kissing me. My lips remember things from years ago I'd told myself to forget happened. I shove you away. Confused. In shock. Dumbstruck. Awestruck.
"Wha...wher...where did that come from?"
"Oh. I see how it is. I'm sorry. Maybe I misread."
"No. Just...wha..."
I don't remember what else I said to you. Only what I felt. What I still feel. Shock. Relief. Awe. Joy. Disbelief.
I didn't shove you away because I wanted you away. I wanted to pull you in, ******* your hair in my needy hands and communicate to you things I've never had the guts to speak; wrap every inch of me around you and show you what my life had been without you; what it could be with you. I shoved you away because this is not what we do. We do not cross that line. We do not open that box. We do not acknowledge this...whatever this is. We ignore and deny. Even still, I didn't shove aside your next kiss. Or the next.

See me.
Look at me.

Please see me: who I am; what I have to offer you.
I’m sitting here silently screaming at the top of my thoughts.
I’m waiting for you to understand just what I am;
Hoping and praying I’m right; that you have what it takes
Be strong enough. Be brave enough to take me for what I am.
I see in you something that could see me. Try this with me?
I continue to wait and scream at the top of my thoughts.

Hear me.
Please.

You cannot keep him afloat.
No one can.
You'll drown yourself if you try.
Keep yourself afloat.
Do things for you.
Make you happy.
Tell him about them.
Include him if he'll be included.
Talk to him.
Talk to him about simple things;
About beautiful things;
About curious things;
About mundane things.
Let him know you're there and floating next to him
That you will help him float if he needs it
But don't you dare drown yourself holding him above the water while you can't breathe.

We were best friends
We broke up
things are ugly
Our friends have picked sides
not because they were forced but because they weren't really my friends to begin with

You couldn't decide
Couldn't be friends
Couldn't be lovers
Couldn't handle me in your life at all

"If you are out, I will not be"
"Sorry doesn't fix anything. Us not seeing one another anymore does."

You have spun yourself as the good guy.
And they will call you mature.
You've handled this the best way you could.
Sometimes things just don't work out.
It wasn't your fault.
These things just happen
Sometimes

I will be crazy
Or unstable
Or just need to try harder to move past it.
I will be the bad guy.

I will stand drunk here in my apartment as you stick your drunken tongue down my throat
And your drunken fingers inside me

And I will wait for the morning to come so you can blame me
blame alcohol
blame anything except your lack of self
self respect, self worth, self control

Again.

need to get out

want to crawl out

I don't know how

to get out of me

I like you very much,
but I hate acting like it.
I hold back and act aloof
I’m terrified of falling for you
I’m afraid of showing I care about you
I’m afraid you won’t care as much.
It feels like stupidity to admit I want to be with you without knowing how you feel

I like ***, but I also love just sleeping with you wrapped around me.
I sleep better with someone in my bed.
I think you’re gorgeous when you’re fast asleep.
I talk in my sleep, but you do too.

I’m impulsive, but I overthink things.
I’m sensible about most things.
I feel like I’m not being sensible about you.
You don’t know what you want with me
and somehow this is okay.

Seems like yesterday I was 17.
I was a different girl in every way.
I know who I am now and what I’m worth
I think you’ve known from the start.

Every person that comes through the door
I hope is you
I'm hopelessly strung out
reel me back in

Have you ever been Cinderella at the ball?
Have you ever stood there so completely in awe of the impossible wonderful you're experiencing?
Have you ever had to leave the ball so no one sees your riches turn to rags
Return to the drudgery of a reality full of tyrants and sycophants;
Thinking that you'll be okay going back to being just you after the clock strikes midnight?
How do you go back?
How do you ever taste anything the same again?
How do you learn to not ache for that kind of love; that kind of beauty?
How do you go back to living as a scullery maid?
How do you go back to the cold hearth alone?
Do you tell yourself you never deserved it?
Do you tell yourself it wasn't real?
Do you tell yourself the prince never cared?
Do you just sit alone by your hearth, covered in the day's cinders and hope beyond hope that it wasn't all in your head?

Again I attempt patience
Until home again we go
The unknown is all that awaits us
in Loretto other than snow

We toss and turn in separate beds
Fighting separate battles
with separate packs of demons.
I'll fight yours if you fight mine
I'll toss when you toss and turn when you turn.
You're right in saying I'd try to take care of you if you let me.
I absolutely would.
I'd remake the world to make you okay.

you're constantly split
between trying to protect me from yourself
and letting me in

You can call me kid, but
I promise I'm a big girl.
I know what I'm risking being here

I knew you were a risk
from the first conversation
but your arms feel like where I should be

Maybe it's you
who should find some
safety from yourself

                                          Just maybe that safety
                                                should be me

I choke back tears that I know are irrational.
You scared me.
Knowing, imagining what I would feel to no longer know you existed somewhere was a terrifying thought experiment.

lend me your heart
just lend me your ears

                                         I will tear you apart
                                         I will play on your fears

lend me your lips
lend me your thighs

                                        I will give you my hips
                                        but then I will cry

lend me your arms
and lend me your shoulder

                                        I will do more harm
                                        I will simply grow colder

please lend me your soul
lend me your mind

                                        I will make you un-whole
                                        I will leave you behind

  
    you've always known I was a flight risk

necessity drags me away
from our warm bed
where I'd rather stay
the familiar ache stirs
deep in my chest
missing you, the moment we part

Affection.
Retreat.
Affection.
Retreat.

When will you learn that emotion
doesn't have to be so hot and cold
so on and off?

Let go.

I just trust you
My gut says it's okay
This all feels....
genuinely okay

I'm still in a state of shock
you're such a conundrum
all at once gentlemanly and crass
lovely and dangerous

Everything you do
leaves me in a state of amazement
You're everything I've ever looked for
trite I know

Your reputation
should leave me terrified
quaking in my shearling boots
It doesn't

You calm me down
Leave me bubbly like champagne
Your body curled around mine
Feels safe

You feel like safety

I don’t think you know what              it is you want with me
                                                   exactly
I don’t think you want me
                                                   exactly

Do I even want you?    
"Yes. Of course you do."          comes the answer unbidden and unwelcome

If maybe we don’t want one another, why                are we both still hanging onto this
                                                            ­               exactly
If maybe we don't want another then why                isn't it easier to hang onto this
                                                            ­               exactly

It creates me.
It controls me.

It frees me.
It motivates me.

It stunts me.
It protects me.

It defines me.

It destroys me.

I'm looking down
I'm standing on the edge
the water is warm and waiting.

I don't dive in
that's what's sensible
but I can't do it

I just stand on the edge of the diving board
calm and collected in appearance
petrified

I don't want to dive
I don't want to feel the fall
I don't want to hit the surface

the water no longer seems inviting
though I'm shivering in the cold air
I'm a young girl again:

afraid to get in the water
afraid to feel its warmth
afraid to be comfortable

I turn and walk away.

I surrender.
I'm done fighting it.
I'm done attempting to reason with it.
I'm done attempting to figure out how to manipulate the situation to get anything new or different.
I'm done stressing about how to be
or how to change it.
I'm done worrying about whether or not it's okay.
I love you.
That's it. That's all.
I'm letting go and trusting you with that.
For better or for worse.

I'm so ******* cold.
Cold outside.
Cold inside.
Literally.
Metaphorically.
Cold.
My nose runs.
I quiver.
My soul aches.
I hunch up.
Try to hide under covers.
Summer is over.
Winters do not suit me.

This whole thing is up to you:

I’ll sleep with you
because I like to.
I’ll wait and see where it goes
because I think you’re worth waiting for.
I’ll be around
because I don’t know how to be anything else

These places feel strange.
They smell
Wrong.
I dare not taste them.
I want my home back:
The familiar smell
Arms which feel like comfort
A face which looks at mine and sees me
Not my skin or my hair or my eyes
But me:
My soul.
I want to come home.
When can I come home?

You're a different place.
It's understanding.
It's home.
It's pure bliss.

I'm the kind of girl
who doesn't need much
to stick around for awhile

I'm the kind of girl
who would simply be there
every night if you'd let me

I'm the kind of girl
who doesn't mind
that you get busy sometimes

I'm the kind of girl
who sometimes only
wants to be an extra pillow in your bed

I knew this was going to happen
It was never a question of if
Only when
Knew it the first night

I stepped into your embrace
"God it's good to see you."
We got drinks.
We left together.
I was still trying to fight myself.
I thought you'd be gone in a day...a week...a month at most.
That's why I pushed you away in the alley.

This. Raw. Open. Angst. Sadness.
Where I am now.
I was afraid of it.
I was afraid of letting you in.
Of letting you see me.
Of letting you have me.
Of letting myself have you.
I was afraid of losing you.

Then I was afraid of what not having you would do.
Of ignoring you, pushing this back into a box trying to convince myself of things I know aren't true:

"We're better apart,"
"You don't love me,"
"I'm the only one who sees this;
feels this;
fights with this"

Scared of regretting more than I already did
My only regrets belong to you.

I let go.
I dove in.
I swam.
You sat on the shore.
You watched.
You left.
I knew you were going to.
You said you would.

I didn't go my whole life without swimming.

Do not presume to tell me what is good for me
How I'm feeling
What I want
What I need
While I may not always know
I know you know less
When I say I can handle something
I can
When I say I want something
I do
Don't you dare try to control my life from afar with your words or lack there of

Deliriously happy.
"You look like you won something;
Some sort of prize."

I did.

I won the only prize I've ever given a **** about:

A place in your life.

There once was a time when I thought that if we just spent time together and tried on one another that we'd find we were ill fit for one another;

that we would move on rather than sit around in ill fitted clothing.

What I didn't account for is you becoming my favorite thing to wear.

You don't fit improperly at all, rather you're the most comfortable thing I've ever worn.

I got butterflies hearing it
You got drunk and told me in a smokey bar
Earnestly, clumsily, but in the dearest way
You don't remember
You weren't quite ready
It wasn't how you wanted to do it

So we pretend you haven't told me yet.

I've wanted to tell you in so many smokey bars
On street corners when we're walking
In bed in the early morning
In the shower, suds covered, soaked and laughing
In my kitchen, dancing and spinning me around
On grocery trips and in speeding cars.

You haven't told me yet
But I'm bursting to tell you again

I adore being called out.*
Honestly.
Nothing turns me on more
than a man who calls me on what I’m up to.
The man who sees every little awful,
awkward detail in me,
and turns them against me.
I adore the thrill*
of being gamed.
I enjoy having to work,
and making him work.
I love it.
I thrive on it.
*I live for it.

Calm.
There's a resounding calm over me.
The day was long.
You're not here.
But that's not to say you won't be again.
This hot toddy is perfection.
The only thing that could make it better is your company.
I miss you, but not painfully today.
Today I miss you comfortably;
In a way that says I'm adjusting to whatever this is.

waiting for you to awake
it finally hits me

zero to sixty in a few short days
that's what we've always done

you came back around riding storm clouds
wrapped me up in a tornado of comfort

I need this
it's terrifying

I wait
even a glimpse of you
would be plenty sometimes

                   You used to hug me when you saw me
                   even if it was only a 30 second meaning

You didn't
yesterday instead
you said 'hey dude'

                    You're frazzled. I get it. Honestly, I do
                    but a little encouragement wouldn't hurt

I want
you to just tell me
what you want

                    Don't be afraid to hurt me.
                    I'm not as fragile as I look.

I knew what I was getting into from the start.

If people were to be created in pairs
or halves,
he is my other.
He is complimentary.
Designed for me.
Fit for me.
We are a matched set.
He is my kind.
And I am his.