i think there is someone in our lifetime
that makes us feel emotions
we didn't think were possible
someone you'll just love and love
with everything in you
and you won't look for them
you won't meet them
intentionally
they'll come into your life
at the strangest time
when you least
expect it

melatonin for when you just wanna sleep
midol for when your cramps are unbearable
molly when you wanna dance
ibuprofen for when your parents are yelling
acid for when you wanna trip
tums for when your heart burns
xanax when you're anxious
eye drops to make them believe you weren't crying
pepto-bismol for an upset stomach
**** for when you wanna chill
alcohol when you wanna forget


but little do you know
i don't need any of these drugs
because you make me feel
better
and higher
than all of them combined

i found you
when i wasn’t even
searching
a breath of fresh air
after being in deep water
for so long
a running and laughing down an empty hallway
type of love
a love where i don’t say that i’m sad
you just feel it
a love so pure
that nothing needs to be said
it is known.

you're sitting across from me
after months of not speaking
you called and said something about how
we don't have to be strangers

i answered on the third ring
just like i always used to do
and agreed to meet you

we decided to get coffee
to warm our bodies
from the november air
although mine is cold
by the time i even think to take a sip

"there's someone i want you to meet, you know"
it's strange
because when you said it
i didn't feel jealousy
i felt anger
i wanted to know
"why?"
you grabbed my hand
"you're still important to me,
i want you
to meet her"

i knew what you were doing
and so i let you
for a few minutes more

and then i thought about how
you've never even heard my voicemail
because i always answered
on the third ring
and how
i doubt she even answers at all
and that
was enough for me

you wanted me to meet her
to compare
and if i did
you'd see that you're never
going to find anyone like me
ever again

i let go of your hand
look into your sea green eyes
that i used to dream about

my voice is suddenly clear as day
"we don't have to be strangers,
but maybe we should be."

i think
that the most beautiful thing in life
is finding genuine happiness

finding it with the people you love
and showing each other
what your idea of it is

whether it be
waking up at 5 to see the sunrise
having breakfast for dinner
laughing until your stomach aches
seeing your favorite band in concert
or just being in the presence of someone
who shares the same love for you
that you do them

i keep having
the same reoccurring nightmare
where i'm driving and i need to stop
but my brakes won't work

it reminds me of when
i'm sitting with my friends
and i see all their subtle glances at each other
each time i take it just a little too far
because i always do
always

i can never
just get my brakes to work

nobody knows what they want
not when they're 17
and not even when they're 40
people look for their best option
whatever is going to fill the void in their heart
at that moment

whether it be a job
a sport
a hobby
or a person

some people don't always choose correctly in the moment
it's hard to know what you want
to decide what's best
that's why so many people choose wrong

because
nobody knows what they want
not until
it's right in front of them

you didn’t love me
i don’t think
you ever did

you just loved the way
i love you
or
use to

i would have done anything for you
and that
was the problem.

look up when it's raining
you'll see my eyes
and you know it

the damp ground
will remind you of what you did
and how it made me feel

i was promised forever
but how long is it?
a month?
a year?
five?
all in all
our definitions weren't the same
and that's okay

because i know you'll always think of me
when the skies are grey.

i was dancing on my front porch
spinning with my head to the sky
and you were looking at me
in a way you never have
so i asked, "what?"
and you looked down
so i hugged you
and asked, "what is it?"
and you looked up at me
and said
i think i'm falling for you

sadness
looks different
on everyone

when my best friend is sad
she drives to a cafe
to get coffee alone
she says,
"when people see me all alone
they see me just like how i see myself"

when my mother is sad
she yells at me for having a ***** room
even though there's only a shirt on my floor
she has a glass of red wine
and asks my sister why she was out so late
even though it's only 9

when my brother is sad
he says,
"get out of my room, i'm busy'
but in reality
he's playing video games
with the volume up to high
to drown out the thoughts in his head

i realized all pain and sadness look different
because when i'm sad
i don't really want to speak
or do anything at all

my mother always told me i was too giving
but she doesn’t realize she made me that way
she gave everything away
even my name

my mom wanted to name me eviana
my dad wanted to name me zara
but my sister wanted a sister named olivia
so my mom gave that to her

she always told me it was okay to give
but to a certain extent
she told me
it’s okay to be a giver
you don’t need to receive every time
but sometimes
you should

i was 15 when i gave a boy almost every part of me
and even when he left
he hardly gave one piece back

i was 6 when i wrapped my brothers birthday gift
he was turning ten
i used two rolls of tape
when he opened it he laughed
you can’t give me a gift that i gave you
and so i replied with
why not?

i was 12 when i came home with a report card
with two C’s on it
i thought i did good
so i gave it to my father
and he didn’t even glance at me
he exhaled
and asked me why i couldn't be like my sister

every time i go out with friends and the check comes
i’m the first to grab it
it’s just a meal or a drink
it’s not a big deal
until one day we’re at dinner
and i'm two dollars short
"can someone spot me on this one?"
and everyone stays silent
that’s when its a big deal

i spent the majority of my life giving
and hardly receiving

but that’s not what my mother taught me
it took me years to realize that my mother taught me to be a giver
but not everyone has my mom to teach them that, too

i have moments where i space out completely
like in the classroom
where my teacher is talking
where i'm driving my car
down an old backroad
when i'm reading a book
or watching a movie
it's like for a split second
i'm not even here at all

sometimes i get so lost in my own mind
i feel like
i'll never make it out.

one day
you're outside riding your bike
getting scrapes on your knees
that your mother kisses
after she's bandaged

one day you're running outside with your friends
throwing water balloons
without a care in the world

one day you're sitting in class
praying to go home
and for time to move faster

one day you'll hear your name called out
loud and clear
a stage awaiting your footsteps toward your future

one day it will all be over
appreciate it now
you don't have
as much time
as you think

i remember the last time we spoke
and i told you
“i’m just tired of holding onto something that isn’t there.”
and you looked up at me and said
“then let go.”
so i did.

i've lived in the same house all my life
pulled into the same driveway
carried groceries
through the same door
slept in the same bed
and yet
it's never felt like home

i sit in my room sometimes
and think to myself
i want
to go home

home is where one feels safe
and wanted
and loved

i realize now that home was never a place for me
it was a person
it's you.

because i paint a pretty picture

slight smirks
and jokes
that make your eyes squint and your body fall over

compliments
that illuminate your face
and make you shuffle in your seat

touch
that makes you quiver
but that makes you feel loved

a relationship where you feel beautiful
but not just in someone’s bed

it’s easy to fall in love on the surface of me
because it’s the only thing you see
but as soon as you scratch through it
it’s already too late to get out.

someone told me today
"i've never seen you without a smile on your face
you always have a front"
i laughed at her words

i thought
that's how i have to be
i can't be bringing people down with me
drowning them in my sadness
i need to make others happy

it's like she read my mind
because she smiled and said
"sometimes you need to take down that front you put on
take care of yourself"

i hardly knew how to do that
and that's when it dawned on me
i need to put myself first

i am a priority
not an option
i am my first choice
not last
i am my best friend
no one else.