It was a lonesome and cold love
A heartless love
A painful love
A love that wasn’t love
A forbidden lust disguised as “love”
And like love it was strong and powerful
It moved my emotions
It moved my thoughts
It altered my views
It changed my ways
And it made me miserable
It made me long for something unreachable
Unattainable but felt like it was already at my fingertips; although never closer. Never further.
The fear of moving away from it
Kept me holding on
A battle never to win always to lose
Like a soldier I fought and I continued
Just to learn
That I was not supposed to be a soldier
It was not my battle
I bled for nothing
I fought for nothing
Lies laid there like dust never to be cleaned
Slowly did I learn
I had to let go
Let go and move on
But how do I?
Teach me to be as heartless
Teach me how not to crumble
Teach me something I already know at heart but refuse to accept
Stop coming back
Stop leading me
Leave your dust and do not come back to whirl it around the room again
Just let me let go
I sometimes get moments, just like this one
Where I think back
Back on something someone said
Told me about life, that I thought I understood
But suddenly one day really understand and realize how wrong I was back then
The time I spent in the hospital, finally accepting help
I came to think
That it is not as scary to be here
It has made me feel stronger, capable of trying again
But it has also led me to this place where I must make a decision
The decision of what to do, two paths to choose between
And I have been thinking
Weighed the options against one another
I have come to a decision, not sure if it is the right one
But I cannot walk without looking at the ground anymore
Someone once told me, that life is full of parting ways
Of having two different options of which way to go
Sometimes it is a good and a bad option, where the obvious is to choose the good one
Sometimes it is two good - or two bad ones
And you might find yourself wondering what to choose
Spending so much time not making a decision because you are scared of choosing wrong
But sometimes you just have to take a random pick and go with it
Sometimes you have to let go of control
And just try
Life goes on
And I don’t know if that is beautiful
Or incredibly sad
How a life can pass
But somehow the world continues
It feels almost as if
Life does not even have meaning to itself
Even when gone
Maybe I look at it wrong
I see it as a big puzzle where each life
A brick of its own
Maybe life is like rain
The drops fall and disappear into the ground
The rain continues even so
Maybe it’s a give and take
Maybe life takes from death and reversed
An endless cycle
I don’t know what to think
But to think how important it is
To make my own life matter
But just to me
Because after all, life goes on
Even when gone
My mind is a mess.
And I am to blame for letting you in.
Words form but they make no sound.
Their shapes bump into one another, just when I'm about to understand.
They become a part of the rest.
Cluttering up my mind.
You came into my life.
And like a tornado you were brutal and forceful.
Your words sweeter than any other poison.
I let you in despite the feeling in my gut, telling me to run away.
You changed me.
I became someone else.
A person I don't understand.
I saw myself fall apart.
And just like that I was nothing but broken pieces of a person.
Foolishly I let you back whenever you decided to return.
You were the only remedy holding the pieces together, and yet apart.
You continued to disappear.
The lies became longer.
Revealing a truth.
A truth I didn't want to believe.
Now your poison is a part of me.
And with the poison came the addiction with no quick fix.
You were the one who called the shots.
You decided when I would get my sweet poison, the satisfaction that slowly killed.
I no longer am.
I am a ghost of a person whom used to be.
A hollow shadow.
A shadow that follows your twisted love to survive.
A love that was never real.
A love that has left my heart twisted.
I had been walking for quite a while
It felt so nice, to once be moving without the fear
But I had yet again been walking on a cloud
Not even love could save me from the massive amounts weighing me down
I'm falling down again
I so often wonder what will become of me
If the ground will hurt me less when I reach it this time
But I know the pain will be as great as it always is
Not even my comforting thoughts can protect me from the ache I feel inside
I'm falling down
I want go back to the temporary happiness
Wanting to turn around mid air, wondering how cats do it
Of course I can't do such a thing
Not even a cat could turn to land safely on its legs from this fall
I see it getting closer and my denial grows
I feel myself losing ground before my body even reaches it
Why am I always such a fool to believe
Not even I could wake me from this nightmare that I seem to have gotten stuck in
Just because I have more than some
and less than others
does not mean my happiness depends on them
My happiness is entirely my own
Mine to be responsible for
Mine to take care for
and mine to water so it can grow
My surroundings may affect it, but it is always me to decide
When will I water it? Is there even water here?
Does it need more sunlight to get strength?
Am I being cruel to my own needs?
What am I willing to sacrifice?
Do I sacrifice my happiness or do I sacrifice my comfort zone?
Watering it without making any decision
slowly killing myself because I might take it too lightly
The needs of stepping out of my circle of comfort
Stepping out to a life full of air to breathe and new fears to defeat
But yet here I sit in the dark, continue to water my needs
with water so brown it might only poison me
Knowing I could do better but not knowing how to proceed
I feel it all building up inside of me
Having nowhere to let it out because where would it be safe?
Even if I could I wonder if I'd even be able to find the words
Perhaps all I could say was nothing at all
Maybe silence is all there is to say
They may pretend, with their swords looking of pure gold
Saying they fight for the good because of the colour they dress in
the uniforms standing for righteousness
But don't be fooled
If you look closer
You will notice that the darker shadows of their armor are not delicate sewings but the blood of innocent
and their emblems on their shirts are nothing but blinded praise for their cruelty
I have been told by so many that I explain myself so well
That my sense of understanding is so great that they are proud to tell me
It is good that I can understand so well
But what does this do of good for me
If I can't ever understand what others want of me
I always misjudge the situations
And think that something is going good when really I am just stepping on landmines
Pretending the flying limbs are flowers floating in the air
How can I not see that If I am so good with understanding?
I am beginning to doubt if I am ever going to be happy
Because all the happiness I ever had was created illusions in my head
like a puppet on a string I forced myself to dance joyfully throughout a life; that I did not even enjoy
A big smile on my face after everytime I cry
A big laugh though my soul mourns with the sounds of trees breaking in the wind
A hollow feeling of always walking on a path which carries old imprinted footprints from people whom walked here before me
But instead of creating my own I step in theirs; To ignore the fact that my footprints are taking this journey alone when others have been accompanied on theirs
The thoughts run faster than the speed of light
Scientists will never be able to prove this because all you can see through scans are small electric reactions in the brain signaling to each other codes and orders and maybe even jokes we don't get
We don't even know ourselves how we think these thoughts
We don't even know how to stop our thoughts when they get a little too wild
A big question with probably multiple answers
None of which I believe can ever be found scientifically
No, it must lie deeper
Like an ocean of thinking and we are bound to drown in it
but we won't suffocate, just slowly ignite with the magic happening around us
Oh, what beauty if only we knew if to be scared or feel safe
Yeah, you can look into my brain
But you will never see my mind
It is so easy to pick on yourself
but so hard to pick yourself up
I realised this not long ago after long times of endless hammering smashes on my bare soul
even my body so scarred that maybe I looked more like a chopping board after all
I never let myself have chances to let the parts grow together and see that flowers
do indeed bloom from my depths within
Instead I continued to **** the monsters and demons I thought I consisted of
but in reality I was just harming myself; an awful sin
I always believed that destroying myself was what was needed to be done
and I deserved this pain of never being able to stand on my two feet
I had come to believe what I was told by many, that my two feet do not have the strength they need
So I never walked and never ran
I always stood still or crawled along while letting them get weaker ever since I began
I don't understand and realise when I began to notice that my ways were terribly wrong
I never understood or realised that I had wasted years that forever now will be gone
But I do understand and realise that I finally have been blessed to see
That I do not exist to survive, but simply to live and be me
Poetry helps me cope
But why does it make me bitter and hateful to write down my thoughts
I feel disgusted by touching my keyboard as I spill out some words
It's like I can't allow myself to feel
Not once in my life have I felt without being ashamed of it afterwards
Having been waiting for someone's approval before I could genuinely show myself
God, I am exhausted of always waiting for someone to accept me in order to be me
I really am undoubtedly too tired of it
Circles may not have doors or holes, but they must have a weak point
If only I punch and kick it hard enough
Maybe then eventually I will get out
Am I growing or is the world becoming smaller?
Where did I leave my childhood behind and when was it really over?
Is there a way to predict the future or does it completely depend on our choices?
Am I the one to calm my thoughts or is it out of my control?
Why did they do this to me and should I be sorry for their actions?
Do I try too hard or do I just not care enough?
Am I too less or too much?
Why did I never get to say goodbye when I knew it would happen?
What is the reason for the birds to leave south and come back again if it'll just get cold later?
How do I rescue myself before it is too late and will it ever be too late?
Did I hit rock bottom or can I continue to dig further down?
Is there a specific purpose for me in this world or are some of us perhaps not destined to anything?
Are we walking in circles or are we actually moving forward if not backwards?
Does it get better with time or do I just get better at swallowing the pain like it was bitter medicine?
Will this end and how did it even begin?
Why do the covers feel too hot but the world around me too cold?
Am I scared of monsters or people who pretend to be angels?
Do I get deceived to believe or is the feeling about this real?
Do I want to go back or is it worth to keep moving?
Am I scared or am I excited?
”You need to learn how to love yourself
You keep stomping on yourself like you were a bug that freaked you out
You point your fingers at yourself
Seriously why would you do that to yourself, do you know how stupid it is?
Why do something others easily can do to you, why would you waste your time on that
You're never going to become of anything if you never let yourself grow
If you keep saying that you can't, you're again wrong
Because even flower seeds are strong enough to break the paved roads and bloom
Do you think they give up because it is difficult?
Yes, it is unfair that you happened to be planted under a thick pavement like those flowers were
but if you don't keep on trying you will never bloom”
It's funny how a tower you used so much time and energy on to build
can by a single blow fall to the ground and break again
And you're often left at the top of the ladder, looking down
-helplessly observing the fall you're about to take
Not knowing how to deal with it when you hit the bottom
and desperately looking for reasons to not believe that it is happening to you
You might come to believe you are a bad builder
and you will therefore swear to never build again
In fact you might even get reasonable and safe-looking chances
but then again you might mess up as you always do
because you are after all the worst builder
You might look at other peoples' beautiful creations where many almost reach the stars
then you look back on your building spot which still stands bare and naked
The ladder might even still be lying on the ground from the fall long time ago
But maybe one day you'll get the strength to build again
and maybe the tower won't be that tall
but your bravery will be and that is what counts
Someone will one day walk by your small tower and find it magnificent
And you will be glad you in the end never gave up
I am so tired of people who don't listen
When I talk you only look for the words
that can be related to the things you already wanted to say
you are like a loaded gun, which only fire out the bullets already put in
Stop talking to me if you only ask
with the intentions to reply
and not simply listen
I am so done with the friends who call you up
about problems, which they think they need help with
that they also mostly do
but in their heads they already found sense like paths, which they will strictly follow no matter what road signs they meet on their ways
Why do you call me to tell me the same thing you told me 10 times already, when you know the advices I gave you by now
This is not a game
Stop wasting my time, if you want my help please take it
it's right there
Don't ask if you already made up your mind
I do not have time for friends who text you about fun
that you are not invited to but somehow they say it's going to the best time of their lives and they are sorry that they can't bring you with them
because apparently you're told the people would not like you
Please do not tell me where you are going if you don't want to bring me along since I know I will be the one sitting with you afterwards when you are crying because the people at that party suddenly didn't want to talk to you anymore
I am not somebody you can ditch and then casually without shame crawl back to when you get bored another place
I can get bored of you too
Insults and excuses
are not something I can use for anything
I am fine being by myself sorrounded by only me
because I am capable of handling the term "lonely"
since it was what I've always been - even around you.
"I don't really know anymore"
seems to be the best thing I can tell myself
Because so many times before
I found myself trying to find an explanation to it
Answers and explanations
have turned out to not be what I need
While questions and relations
seem to only make myself utterly confused
So I stop searching for them
then I don't need to be in a never ending hunt
They're not like a gem
that I need to find filled with my lost treasures
There is no significance
in the meaning of answers I think I find
The only one importance
is that I try to accept that this is my life
I guess I think I'm pretty
Do not ask me why
because when can anyone explain why they are pretty
without coming to question the truth of it themselves
So I guess I think I'm pretty
Because I want to believe I am
I want to be able to walk out and not have to feel less or more
- but just right -
I want to have it just right like a cup of coffee
Because if I have too much I will overflow the cup
and make a mess for myself and for everyone around me
Yet not too little or I will never feel awake
So if you ask me if I think I'm pretty
Then yeah, I guess I think I am
But if you ask me if I think I'm beautiful
I will tell you
I am most certain that
I am beautiful
I can't help but let my thoughts run wild
I can't keep up with them though
because they take me to places I wish I had never seen
Places I didn't know existed
I always stand with the same unanswered question:
”Why am I here?”
But do they listen?
Not even once do they turn around to answer,
they don't even look at me with the intentions of even thinking of an answer
Some just grin at me, while others look at me with expressions full of panic
Their emotions are somehow contagious so after a while I find myself
full of shame
full of fear
full of anger
full of hate
I somehow come back to where I was all along;
In my room on my bed, crying without knowing when I began
All I know is I can't keep up
Well let's see
It is 6am
Did I sleep?
No I did not.
I can hear
my sister walk
towards the bathroom
at 6 o'clock.
In one hour
will be up.
But at that
time I will
be fast asleep
time will stop.
While I am
in my dreams
wake me up.
long -so it's
all I got.
I think the only and best reason
to why I cannot dare to be fully myself around people
is that I tried too many times that people have pointed it out
and made me feel like the drunk person at the party who took it too far with the striptease
And then I am cooled out from any other of their great parties
because nobody likes the person who is too different
I came to a conclusion that I do no longer want their acceptance
nor their invites to their social gatherings of ”who can be the biggest ******* without being the real *******”
Because I simply think the right people will come to me
and even if not, I can always get a cat or a dog
I noticed that
even if I get drunk
it doesn't stop my thoughts
So I might think when I'm in the crowd
sorrounded by people
just plain having fun without being fully aware
but as soon as I am alone in the bathroom
and I stare into my reflection I realise
I can't run away from my mind
Words from other people scare me
because I do not understand
how such horrible cruel words with the meaning of actions
that could be fatal
can be said out loud without given any thought
What scares me the most
is that the words sometimes sneak out of my mouth as well
and I don't want to become like them
I'm a very colourful person
but I can be black and white if I need to be
yet only few people get to see my grey zones
We live in such a shallow closed world
Where feelings are told to be shared
yet we keep them behind bars
so no one can tell
I suppose it's fear of judgement
because who wants to be vulnerable
and show their inner soul
when others so easily can rip it out
If you choose to be open
you are either frown upon
or you get the big eyes and the gasps
”You are surely special”
Oh am I? Why is that?
I don't believe to be
because just like you
I have feelings
The only difference on you and me
is that I choose to show them
because I am not scared
And my feelings deserve their freedom
Little beautiful girl in the mirror on the wall,
Tell yourself that you are prettiest of all
Not because you're being selfish in any way
But you should be allowed to praise yourself today
Little beautiful girl in the mirror on the wall,
I noticed how your smile is not a smile at all
I wonder what made it turn into a masked frown
Did you forget that you're also worthy of wearing a crown?
Little beautiful girl in the mirror on the wall,
Why are you crying did you perhaps fall?
Seeing a tear running down your cheek
Does not at all make you weak
Little beautiful girl in the mirror on the wall,
You're down on your knees while the tears still fall
Are you sad because of something that happened today?
If only I knew how to make the tears go away
Little beautiful girl in the mirror on the wall,
Won't you please tell me because I know nothing at all
Suddenly you open your mouth and tell me
”If only there was a way to make me less ugly”
I have a friend who is nothing like me
And she somehow is everything I want to be
I wish I could brush off the mean comments just like she
without feeling there might have been some truth in their words to me
This friend of mine is so confident and bright
And I suppose I could also be like that, right?
I try to be but obviously I fail because how can I be like that
When she is so beautiful and I am the opposite and it makes me sad
She gives me advice and tells me to open up
She tells me that there is nothing to fear, is there not?
I take on her advice but it doesn't work much for me at all
Since everytime I try following her ideas I only always stumble and fall
Oh but really did I not learn anything?
Well I suppose I actually did learn something
I somehow gained a bit courage and it made me dwell
That maybe after all I'm just being too ******* myself
It takes time
It is hard to explain to them
that you are not easily adjusted like a roadsign
you can't just push away the hands cribbling over your back
remindind you that you are not like them
It took me 6 months to open up to a friend
It took me 1 year and 5 months to accept, that I had fallen
It took me years to tell myself that THIS is not the end
It took me my entire life to remind myself that life is better than
leaving to be in the world above
It took me 12 years to realise I had anxiety
It took me none less than a week to realise that I had a problem
It took me many tearful years to realise I was not the problem
It takes me forever to adjust back to a life worth living in a world
where I always believed I was the definition of the word "problem"
It took me 12 years to decide that I should fix my broken pieces
It took me 1 year to realise that this is not easily done
It took me painful deeds to find something other than a knife that eases
It took me the realisation of lies to realise that being lonely was actually
okay since all my friends with masks had gone
It's still taking time to find the places for my pieces I repaired
It's still taking time to tell myself that I am worthy of being happy
It's still taking time to take back the confidence that disappeared
It's still taking time to fix my broken self and begin to act alive
and remind myself that it is okay to sometimes still feel ******
So when they tell me "Get over it"
I now know, that it will be yet another thing
to take the time, and though they don't get it
I won't let them make me hurry my life to begin
Because it takes time
I add in more crazy actions
to my list of insane ways of keeping my sanity
I noticed something
Some people don't wish to speak
but only observe
I tried to open
but I received only air
it's oddly heavy
People don't seem to get how I feel at all
and no matter how hard I try to explain it it's like continually walking into a wall
I tried telling them about when I see people outside
and I get the urge to talk to them but it gets overruled by the bigger urge to hide
Or how I could feel like buying pizza or chocolate
but then I remember I have to talk to the person behind the counter and I figure it's better to wait
I get excited about a party but when I have to go out of the door
I always somehow end up staying at home, no wonder I never get any invitations anymore
If I see people I recognize on the street
I tend to back off and run away if it is possible instead of just greet
I have to call doctor? Oh no!
It doesn't matter, I tell myself, I don't really need to go
People usually don't understand my fear
and just because it isn't visible to you doesn't mean it's not here
But I understand why they don't get me
because who is so excited about being around people yet too afraid to actually be?
Yeah that's true, it's sadly me
They thought it was Anorexia
because I could not eat in front of them
so while they began getting me to seek help
then I -left alone- ate well out of social gatherings
unable to speak up to tell them;
"You were looking for the wrong A
the A you should've been looking for was Anxiety"
Happiness come in small amounts from
the ability of letting yourself be happy
I want to say hi
but I can't make myself say the words
as if my tongue burns itself on them while I taste them in my mouth
I want to reply your smile
but somehow it frightens me of how it will come off
I panic but forget to smile and now I stand here looking rude and mean
I need to ask something important
but asking is bothering, I do not want to bother you
I will just seek for guidance in my own sea of selfhatred
I want to talk to you
I think you are interesting, but I better stay away
maybe you will think I am boring or I will seem like a creep
I don't want you to think I hate you
I truly think you are a great person but I know I send out grumpy & judging eyes meant for myself but accidently pointed towards you
I really want to go there
"there" means school, class, work, a party or some kind of something
but hey I might ruin it for everyone.. I better call in sick -use an excuse
based on what goes through my head caused by my social anxiety. This does/might not apply for everyone, I respect and accept that: It's just how I feel with my anxiety.
I thought that turning 18 would make the small puzzles fall into place
That I would finally be somebody I've been longing to be
I would be confident in myself. -But that wasn't the case
I thought so much, that if I believed hard enough
That all my dreams would come true like small butterflies
baffling out of their cocoons filled with pure love
But again I thought so much I forgot to act on my beliefs
and on my behalf that hand hit me so hard in my face
the hand of reality
I now lie on the ground thinking to myself
"maybe I was too busy living in the world of it-will-happen,
than to be working on the I-will-make-it-happen, which I had left on a shelf"
Foolishly I keep lying down because how do I get up
even such a small thing as that is difficult since I never fought for me,
but I have to because the fighting against me project had to stop
Maybe I just need a little time to figure out how my legs work
and get used to acting and standing up
then maybe finally living life will become a perk
What I've become is scaring me
I am terrified of my own reflection, because who can love a person
who has gotten so shut down, power-off towards reality
When I am forced to open my eyes
I am worried about all the things that could happen, because I
who is so full of troubles, do not know how to power-off on that
Where I place my feet solid on the ground
I am not feeling the solid but more a wobbly cloud of traps awaiting me
who cannot grip onto anything but my fears and isolation
Why did I become such a sad humanbeing
I am in lack of understanding my own emotions and actions
who can save me -from myself
Beginning the journey on fixing myself
not that I am broken
but I need to be fixed
optimised, updated, restored.
I am not broken, I just realised I have been living as an old version
and there's been this update which has been declined and ignored for some time
**But I am now finally ready to accept.
Being alone doesn't mean you're on the edge to disappear
I believe that trees do make a sound when they fall to the ground
and nobody is there to hear
I don't think you being alone means you're any less you than
any person is them.
And if you still wonder why it feels like it is the case
it's just because it is all so new to accept for the humanrace
We should not let our brain interfere with our mind
because what good comes there out of thinking
when you were somewhere inbetween floating and flying
in somewhat a third dimension of wonders, without moving an inch of your body.
We have the power to become and be nothing at the same time by just letting our mind go on adventures while our brain will distract us with thoughts and do we really want those when we at last can get a break?
We should allow ourselves to sometimes let go and let the fantasies take us to the inner places of space.
Our inner galaxies will speak louder to us than any thought that reminds us of what we now forgot to get at the grocery store or how we did not do our work properly enough.
The responsibilities are binding us forcefully together so we mentally can't move comfortably.
Inside our own universe we are only bound to be free.
is it a feeling
is it a state of mind
is it even real
Are we real
Your mouth full of lies
do you even believe them
do you have a heart?
A butterfly there
so pretty and elegant
yet so deceiving
You're hurting me
Your words cut deeper than knives
You seem to enjoy
All the hardship made me numb
”What doesn't **** you, makes you stronger”
What a crap load of misleading words
I feel less and less
Like a ghost that can't find its peace -
but somehow still gets pulled towards the emptiness
to fade away
while everyone seems to not notice
I learned how to blend in
I fit in well between the paintings on the wall
I made some new friends, they are all nothing
sadly they belong
in my fantasy world where I chose to live -
Yet reality is there to remind me
of my body
still living in a world where I must exist
I am no longer sure of my own existence
I am a soulless person, whom has lost heart
I am a balancing act between real life and dreams
I wander alone
But a body binds me to this world -
I can leave but do I want to?
my mind never takes a break, since maybe
might be worse than this
Silence is also an answer
but I don't speak the language of the quiet
and it worries me because maybe I should
I got too used to be on my own
that I no longer know if I am lonely
but sometimes it does hit me: my own isolation
and then without a warning, I realise
How alone I really am
I came looking for answers
But I didn't even get a reply
Live in the moment
We are all slowly dying
Don't leave with regret