It was a lonesome and cold love
A heartless love
A painful love
A love that wasn’t love
A forbidden lust disguised as “love”
And like love it was strong and powerful
It moved my emotions
It moved my thoughts
It altered my views
It changed my ways
And it made me miserable
It made me long for something unreachable
Unattainable but felt like it was already at my fingertips; although never closer. Never further.
The fear of moving away from it
Kept me holding on
A battle never to win always to lose
Like a soldier I fought and I continued
Just to learn
That I was not supposed to be a soldier
It was not my battle
I bled for nothing
I fought for nothing
Lies laid there like dust never to be cleaned
Slowly did I learn
I had to let go
Let go and move on
But how do I?
Teach me to be as heartless
Teach me how not to crumble
Teach me something I already know at heart but refuse to accept
Stop coming back
Stop leading me
Leave your dust and do not come back to whirl it around the room again
Just let me let go
I sometimes get moments, just like this one
Where I think back
Back on something someone said
Told me about life, that I thought I understood
But suddenly one day really understand and realize how wrong I was back then
The time I spent in the hospital, finally accepting help
I came to think
That it is not as scary to be here
It has made me feel stronger, capable of trying again
But it has also led me to this place where I must make a decision
The decision of what to do, two paths to choose between
And I have been thinking
Weighed the options against one another
I have come to a decision, not sure if it is the right one
But I cannot walk without looking at the ground anymore
Someone once told me, that life is full of parting ways
Of having two different options of which way to go
Sometimes it is a good and a bad option, where the obvious is to choose the good one
Sometimes it is two good - or two bad ones
And you might find yourself wondering what to choose
Spending so much time not making a decision because you are scared of choosing wrong
But sometimes you just have to take a random pick and go with it
Sometimes you have to let go of control
And just try
Life goes on
And I don’t know if that is beautiful
Or incredibly sad
How a life can pass
But somehow the world continues
It feels almost as if
Life does not even have meaning to itself
Even when gone
Maybe I look at it wrong
I see it as a big puzzle where each life
A brick of its own
Maybe life is like rain
The drops fall and disappear into the ground
The rain continues even so
Maybe it’s a give and take
Maybe life takes from death and reversed
An endless cycle
I don’t know what to think
But to think how important it is
To make my own life matter
But just to me
Because after all, life goes on
Even when gone
My mind is a mess.
And I am to blame for letting you in.
Words form but they make no sound.
Their shapes bump into one another, just when I'm about to understand.
They become a part of the rest.
Cluttering up my mind.
You came into my life.
And like a tornado you were brutal and forceful.
Your words sweeter than any other poison.
I let you in despite the feeling in my gut, telling me to run away.
You changed me.
I became someone else.
A person I don't understand.
I saw myself fall apart.
And just like that I was nothing but broken pieces of a person.
Foolishly I let you back whenever you decided to return.
You were the only remedy holding the pieces together, and yet apart.
You continued to disappear.
The lies became longer.
Revealing a truth.
A truth I didn't want to believe.
Now your poison is a part of me.
And with the poison came the addiction with no quick fix.
You were the one who called the shots.
You decided when I would get my sweet poison, the satisfaction that slowly killed.
I no longer am.
I am a ghost of a person whom used to be.
A hollow shadow.
A shadow that follows your twisted love to survive.
A love that was never real.
A love that has left my heart twisted.
I had been walking for quite a while
It felt so nice, to once be moving without the fear
But I had yet again been walking on a cloud
Not even love could save me from the massive amounts weighing me down
I'm falling down again
I so often wonder what will become of me
If the ground will hurt me less when I reach it this time
But I know the pain will be as great as it always is
Not even my comforting thoughts can protect me from the ache I feel inside
I'm falling down
I want go back to the temporary happiness
Wanting to turn around mid air, wondering how cats do it
Of course I can't do such a thing
Not even a cat could turn to land safely on its legs from this fall
I see it getting closer and my denial grows
I feel myself losing ground before my body even reaches it
Why am I always such a fool to believe
Not even I could wake me from this nightmare that I seem to have gotten stuck in
Just because I have more than some
and less than others
does not mean my happiness depends on them
My happiness is entirely my own
Mine to be responsible for
Mine to take care for
and mine to water so it can grow
My surroundings may affect it, but it is always me to decide
When will I water it? Is there even water here?
Does it need more sunlight to get strength?
Am I being cruel to my own needs?
What am I willing to sacrifice?
Do I sacrifice my happiness or do I sacrifice my comfort zone?
Watering it without making any decision
slowly killing myself because I might take it too lightly
The needs of stepping out of my circle of comfort
Stepping out to a life full of air to breathe and new fears to defeat
But yet here I sit in the dark, continue to water my needs
with water so brown it might only poison me
Knowing I could do better but not knowing how to proceed