If it doesn't
              set your soul on fire -

Don't do it.

Its tiring really,
the continual questioning
of why my nickname
has no reflection of my actual name.
I always come up with some sort of
half thought reckless excuse.

The real reason however?
That is the name my boyfriend
had me saved as on his phone,
so his friends would never know
it was me he was seeing.

Kind of pathetic really.

When quotes hit you in the face like a brick
When dear ones ramble quotes-of-nothings
To fix my "current plight"
It makes me sick.

Do I look like I want your ill-thought quotes
That any fool with Google can condure?
I know I sound ungrateful -
Perhaps a weather beating and endurance has made me so
But really I just wish to be alone.

Locked inside the walls which are
My self made cage
Does not mean I am on self destruct
It means I want to be alone

Alone is healthy, I want to befriend my mind and my beaten feelings.
I want to base my happiness on me
But I can't do that while I'm badgered
By Tinseltown- quotes and an "antidote"
Known as a quick fix -

This isn't temporary, I've to live with me for life - there is no out of this sentence
So can't you let me love me
lost in a cage alone?

I lavish in the night time,
The darkness my comfort-blanket
That wraps around my body
Suffocating life
'Til I cannot see.

The night-dark
Is my eternal muse,
A dusty shadow of lost hope
That hides shadows within itself
Oh sweet night, I envy thee
You hide all the colours my eyes could never see -
My soul and thee intertwined for eternity.

I will tell you later
if you tell me now

will you sing to me when i am dead
when i can no longer feel raindrops
falling upon my head.

will you play me the cello
as you sit beside my grave,
dying shrubbery, and my life encased.

a closed casket to entrap,
encase, enclose my foolish soul
my ramblings gone stale and old -

will you sing to me when i am dead
like you used to,
when i were a child
ever young and foolish too -

When I was small and I got lost
You found me!
You smothered me in cuddles and
Warned me to never wander away again,
That I was your little darling and I was loved.

I've been lost for many years now
Wandering down lanes of darkness
Embraced in misery.
When will you come find me??
I've been screaming out for you -
Can't I still be your little darling
How can't you see how much I still need you?

Tears ***** my eyes
The hurt, I try to blink away
A flutter of open and close -
Once, twice, no three!

My jaw is tightly locked
As I fuse my teeth together
Counting each breath,
Out and in, out and in -

Over emphasising the sternness of my jawline
In a hope to distract from the pain
That is laced through my eyes

My love, my dearest other
Who is supposedly at home sick

Sits at the table across from me,
With another -

I get drunk
from your perfume
and high from
the very scent of you.

I thrash when the cravings
for the curve of your spine
become too real to deny.

The withdrawal
from your lips
is treated with whiskey
that tastes like dust
in my mouth.

The sound of your laugh
as you smile with your eyes
black hair cascading gently over your face
while you wear nothing
but the shadow of my sheets
is what my heart pangs to see.

instead alone here I'll lay
under the lampshade of an oak tree
and the memory bright
in my tears
that choke at my throat
as if those silk soaked hands of yours
were wrapped around me.

Never have I seen your face -
when I look at you
I only catch glimpses of your soul

and when my fingers brush off your skin
It's your soul, that I feel.

he left my tongue twisted
     around the words I wanted to say
i felt my heart beating - no humming -
      as if it would fly away from my rib cage

had it not been tangled amongst the vines -
       that delicate web of doubt,
that tangled its way around my chest
        caused from past lovers, and that kind of distress.

with a humming heart -
        and shaking knees!
i was playing the role of the love-struck fool
         nothing to say, but a Cheshire-cat grin on my face -

I am everything I have ever been
I am no one, only me.

I am all the colours of the rainbow,
the wind and the rain, and the unbearable heat.

I am the sun and moon,
the grass, the mountains and the oceans blue.

I am all my failures, and all that I have conquered,
I am everything that I have seen, everything I wished to keep.

I am everything I have ever gained,
and everything I've lost.

I am everything,
but I am nothing at all.

Your face isn't the same face
That scowled me when I was a child
Its softer now - wiser and older.

Your body isn't strong like it should be
A sickness has seeped into
The crevices of your being -
But its spared your heart.

Through a child's eyes you were selfish
Strict and staunch and angry -
Never letting us do as others did.

I thought as a child when I grew up
I'd see differently through an ageing mind
Of how you only meant to protect me.

Sometimes I long for the return of my child-innocence
I am still young, but my life has made me cold.
An aged mind shows a story of a different kind.

All the times I found you crying on the tiles
The way you'd scream and panic in public
Why no one was ever aloud come to our door.

You struggled with the darkness placed in your mind
Day after day you scuffled through
Raising three screaming children
Protecting them from the world and you.

I long to be strong like you mother -
To guide you to the light
And apologise for all the times I added to your plight.

Always carry a book
So you may live many lives and             experience all kinds of adventure

Never forget the world
Do not forget to create your own adventures too -
Sometimes trouble will help you dear

Always fight for what you believe in
Remaining silent is like loosing yourself and one of the great tragedies!

Choose your battles wisely
You are not always going to win, the world is not always fair - but that doesn't mean you'll never win.

Know that you are always loved
Even when I do not understand or when the world seems against you, I and the universe love you baby.

Education is not limited to school
Fill yourself with the knowledge that you love and crave, never limit yourself to a classroom

Be brave
You are my special creation and I will always be there to catch you!

Love like it will last forever
Never limit yourself because of someone else, do as you wish - but don't be foolish.

And most importantly, if you ever learn anything from me -
leggings are not pants*

Be you my darling, and the world will grow to accept you.

And I'll lay here
pondering how exactly it came to be,
my lonely heart and me.

After all the years
we spent in each other others company,
the moments that lasted an eternity
and oh the nights that were eternal bliss.
When time failed to pass
and we believed
never again would we feel
a moment such as this.

It is terrifying really,
that all those years of love
have been lost
to a few words of hate.

In the shame and darkened shade,
perhaps such shame being yours -
or do you carry theirs like the cross?
With a thorn-crown for gratitude

Scream for the pain that is yours,
or for what is theirs.
Give them the chance to see
the opportunity which they refused.

To die is to live -
Having died, your life can complete
Your point which may be mute or deafened later,
You may die this way - but if you never let them try
how can they ever see -

I fill myself with strange men
Bottle innards
And illegal blends.

On a one way system,
Labelled “self-destruct”
By the spectators and their lust.

Driven by my insanity –
Fuelled by lacking faith in humanity –
Caused by my depravation,
Isolation, and lack of conscious restoration.

That pitied stare cast from judging eyes
Sends chilled shivers down my breaking spine.

My will is breaking –
The “fight” others speak of
To “pull through”,
An obvious deficit in me.

Encouraged by insanity,
Or does she welcome it?
Have I cocooned my insanity – nurturing it?
Or have I always been so tumble-lost,
Void and weakly?

Self – Destructive or it destructing self?
Oh me and my, and our insanity.
Is it me at fault,
Or humanity?

I was six
when I was first betwixt
by a world of words
and heartfelt tellings.

Poetry became
my enchanted castle,
the fairy tale
that just quite wasn't.

The first poem I read
was about the Banana man,
and how he would live
and die as such.

And as my body grew
so I fell deeper
in love with these
sometimes forgotten wordsmiths.

Each day I fall a little more,
as I read your words,
your little crafts
of feelings.

You tell me that I am special,
Yet you treat me as lesser.
You recite words that "reflect my beauty"
But I've heard you recite such sweet nothings to others.
You demand to know my feelings
Only to cast yours in disguise.
You praise the "wonders" of my mind
Though when I speak you never listen.
You describe having me as your "greatest decision" and "luckiest find" - you had the gall to tell me I was your rare gem stone, one of a kind.
However I know I am nothing more than option.

Your sweet words and charming romance
May fool your other rare gems,
But my heart is beat and whithered.
Actions speak louder than words Darling -
Your words so full
Your actions scream silence.

You are a million miles away
so far beyond my reach
that my touch will never again
be greeted by your laughter,
or the glint of mischievous dirt-brown eyes.
And the echoing of my name
through the colours of your voice
will never again fill this empty space.

You are a million miles away,
next to me, not in outer space.

Ghost of my mind
Takes all my time.

While others intertwine
I grapple with self.

I am seen as ghostly
because others never know
Whats really going on below.

So dear friends - persons
Keep in mind,
Whats in plain sight
Rarely really shows -

I don't shine
she hummed to herself
half hazed with life, under her drunken breath.
Her fingers twitched gingerly
as if playing an invisible tune.

I don't shine,
she mumbled once more
as her sunken eyes dropped to the floor,
shoulders slumped, accepting defeat
and I could swear she had a tear stained cheek.

I don't shine,
she said a little too loudly,
nervously glancing around in case anyone had mistakenly heard,
then retreated back into her own little world,
swaying to a long forgotten tune,
sad and swollen, beaten and bruised,
where the sun don't shine
where she remains abused.

I don't shine either

I hope that you remember me,
but how would you remember me?

Would you remember my smile
that you could tell more from my eyes,
than from my lips?

Would you remember my laugh
that no one could ever mistake it
for anyone but me?

Would you remember my scent
how it wavered on the pillowcase
long after I had left?

Would you remember how we first met?
The accidental bumping into a stranger
who shared you life philosophy,
which we discovered over accidental-coffee?

Would you remember the fights
how we would stay up all night
at the other side of the room,
listening to the other breathe?

Would you remember how we would make up
searching our eyes for the truth,
for the pain and the sorrow?

Would you remember how much I loved you
how I would hold you so close
when I was afraid, happy or did not want to be alone?

Would you remember the life we built together,
the apartment that you still live in
cluttered with all our 'must-haves' and trinkets of nothing?


Or would all these be clouded by the end?
Would you remember me than nothing more
than a frightened ghost of girl,
lost to a dark, dark sickness?

sometimes when left alone
and lost in thought
I catch myself wondering
if anyone will ever love me,
in a way that they'll just want to talk about
what's going on in mind -
where my darkest wildest thoughts
can be freed-

and furthermore, will they love that part of me?

Pen to paper
Words on a page.

Ink smudges
Wisdom for days -

Life is short
When days are numbered

But my thoughts I wonder...

They immortilise my soul
An immortal soul
Meaning immortal life -

It is merely the body that scripts the words
But the soul that writes!

Only the body faces mortality,
Ending merely this form of life.

"There is no saving him,"*
the doctor mumbled as he cleaned his glasses,
I could almost see him choosing
what he would have for his lunch
as he glanced eagerly at his watch,
watching the seconds tick as my response delayed
him from his freedom.

Seconds that ticked
as he passed away,
taking most of me with him.

It has been five days since we first met
you shook your head in amusement
at the loud discussion I was having with my friend.

I snapped my head in your direction
to give you some of my harsh crafted words
but then I saw the smile creeping across your lips.

I won't write about how beautiful  you are,
or how I can compare you to no words in our language
but I will say how something in me changed.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Before that day I would have never thought you my type,
but as the seconds melted into hours

Every world that spilled from your lips
was everything I have ever believed.

We are so different, and have a lack of knowledge
for everything the other loves
and still -

I stood at the very edge of the peninsula
Admiring all my past work -
I was captain of land and sea and rock!
There was my ship
Casting shadow along the skyline
Alas but where were my crew?

I called to them
Bartering with their dampened souls,
Oh my men of dearest bravery
My companions and dearest friends!
"Oh captain our captain,"
Came but one faint reply
"Poetry's dead Sir,
Why haven't you text us?"

Life is not like instagram,
it doesn't come with an edit button.

If you picked me
to love,
I'd be honored.

You are more beautiful
Than the dying lungs which gave you life,
That now are taking the very thing they gave you.

You are so much more than this disease
That with each aching breath is
Betraying the body you thought you knew so well.

We won't be angry with you
When you take your final sleep,
We will breathe a sigh, as you will be free from suffering.

You are more beautiful than that.

Last night it was him that I was kissing,
It was his tongue pressed to the back of my teeth,
And his hands on the small of back,
Pulling me closer -

As the wind wept around us,
And as his hand slipped into mine -
I realised, that it was him, that I was kissing in the shadows.

And as I pulled away, slipping back into the light -
You stood there watching, waiting, with a sullen sadness on your face.

And after all this time, that is when you chose to tell me,
That you loved me -

You will think I write this of you –
Assuming, words of tender love and grandeur.
You will search, with soul-less eyes – for my proclamation –
My declaration, of you.

Assumptions, I feel, a sign of thoughtless stupidity.
I do no write of you, nor sweetly or of disdain.
You hold no possession on my heart,
Your face is not echoed throughout my soul.

You do not haunt my dreams –
Never were the cause of those horrid, bloodcurdling sleep-screams.
Mistaken they all were, you fell for it too.
The possessing you see was of a different kind –

Have you not seen your soul-less eyes?
Ever ponder what happened that sun-gleamed smile?
There was a possession of the heart – not done by king.
No, no! You are full of such sweetly innocent stupidity!

The spell was cast and darkness simmered –
All from one demonic queen – yes, now cue me.
The roll I played lacked nothing – but a returning thud of my heart.
See I took yours – and placed in under my shoe –
You never touched my heart.

We met,
And then you chased me
Until you could call me yours.

You loved me!
And I loved you,
until you were the stars in my eyes.

And then I loved you,
As you grew bored -

I loved you,
As you left.

You broke me,
And yet, I love you still.

When I write,
Putting that pen to paper -
Even if to merely create ink smudges
Where the thoughts die young -

I can feel each piece of me,
The ones I know are there,
And the ones I've buried so deep down
Even I forgot-
Swirl around my soul,
And gather in that pen -

So the words and patters and nothingness on that page
Are my everything,
My words, well, they're me.

I am scattered human being,
with fragments of emotions
that fall and scar at unexpected moments.

I am difficult to deal with,
trust me I know.
One minute I am on a high
the next I'm mumbling nonsense while
scrapping pieces of paper
searching for the one piece that holds all the answers.

Our house is a heap of half written words
and letter to myself
each a note of remembrance
of a thought that I once had -

I know I cradle this paper-mess
like they were a child that grew within me,
in a way they were
they are my creations, my imagery.

I forget the simplest things
like today was my day to clean
or that tomorrow we are supposed to go to dinner
but I am so lost in my thought-process.

Please don't be disheartened
by my chaos-mess
or how I seem to care little,
because I write all these for you.

With each waking word
these are fragments of my soul
my innermost thoughts
and my deepest love for you.

So I am sorry that I seem distracted
but I am so full of love,
that I wish the world understood
how you are the most perfect God-creature
that has ever lived.

When the moon shines,
It paints pictures with my soul