You are worse for my lungs
then the cigarettes I refuse to smoke.
Conflicted breathing.
Pounding heart.
Dizzy spells.
And love,
is art.

He thinks of me when its time,
A quick post-it note
To inform me of his position.

This loving ritual,
A running joke
A daily reminder of our growing closeness
And sometimes it’s just because he’s gross.

I'm not the kind of person you fall in love with -

I'm always the option,
Never the choice.

If you could see what I see –
You’d know you are
Both
Beauty and grace.

If you could see what I see –
You would not
Describe yourself as
“disgrace”

If you could see what I see –
You’d never want to
Change
A single thing.

If you could see what I see –
You’d love yourself
More
Than I ever could.

If a mirror could
Show you
The beauty
That lies
naked
Next to me –

You’d be your own
Perfectly
Imperfect
Sleeping
Muse.

When they stripped me of my dignity
lashing me -
for all of our community to see

My body a damaged cage
wrinkled in the square
pathetic and quivering.

My smile was clawed from my face
by savages
who did not believe in 'happy'.

They beat me 'til I was broken
bent out of shape,
had I been a contortionist it would have been painless
but oh! it was pain I felt as every inch of me
was broken and shattered - snapped like a twig.

Yet no mark could the human eye see
I was just a girl
lying in the rain, whose touch burned like acid.

My clothes did not resemble the tatters I felt them to be,
my hair was brushed and not the state they had yanked it into,
not an inch of makeup was smudged across my face.

Funny the effect a few words can take.

I cannot remember the last time someone looked at me like that,
just as you do -
with curious eyes full of awe and wonder,
looking at me as if there was no one else they'd rather see.
Soaking up each line on my face,
the shift of my eyes, the creases gained from my smile -

Once you had looked at me enough
confident, there never would be an inch of my face you didn't recognise
You pulled me close, wrapping me into your arms -
your life, your heart!
My world was consumed by you,
your magnetic pull, your strength, your smell
so that I was surrounded by the depth of your breath,
the rise and fall of your beautiful chest.

When the hour came, under the lampshade of this old creaking tree,
while the rare Irish sun shun above, so warm and sweet,
I believed you as you whispered those three innocent words, times by three -
and in that moment never more in love with you could I be.

Those three words
You will me to say
I cannot say
At least not today.

Their meaning I have yet to find
I cannot walk into this blind.
I know you ache
From hearbreak,
But today, I cannot say
What you will me to say.

Its not enough to speak,
But lack true meaning.
You make smile,
Make me laugh,
Make me wish and will -
All is enough but still

Those three words
I'm unable to say
At least not
today.

I wonder if you ever
Wish for an apology?

You are the one who
Knows all about me.

You hear me whine
When I’m awake –
Catch my tears
When I am weak –
And hug the words
I mumble in my sleep.

All I have ever done
For you –
Rest upon you.

16

That's when I met you,
From my sheltered universe I fled.
Tumbling into your strong grasp
To show me the world through a different map.

17

Each day break is greeted by your face,
Within my stomach grows
A seedling - created by our joyous love.
Through my innocence and your persistence, my worlds a little more ambitious.

18

My whole worlds been a lie -
Tumblelost in darkness
The night is all that lives within me.

19

When darkness clutches your neck -
An asphyxiating memory of love
Lost and wasted.

20

By *their grave is where I lay.
Wasted nights leading wasted days.
A wasted body - living as a ghost.
Clasped to unhinged memories
Taunted by a darkened past.

21

A dark existence is not living.

I always have at least one of my writings
scripted and hanging in my room.


They may not be obvious
but they are there somewhere
among all the stuff
because if I don't love it,
why should anybody else?

I love you,
With no hope of gain
And much to loose.

With cautions lost
To blinding love
I gift you my delicate heart.

I darent ask for yours in return -
This gift is selfless
Because I love you,
Silently and without hope

And if you choose
Not to be loved by me -
I pray you'll be loved
Once again this way.

I should have quit
but instead I continued to care for you,
even as you sliced each cut
delicate but deep
into me.

If only I had known
the morphine-tuned tubes
that would inhabit my arms.
The clatter of that knife
the symphony of my life
as my vitals
begin to desert
the hum they give to these machines.

I should have quit,
but I stayed -

I should have quit,
because there was no saving you,
now, there's no saving me.

Read, explore, examine
Don't just accept.
Shape the world around you
And take chances,
Live the life you deserve,
Not the one you were delt.

If you cannot forgive yourself,
How is the world supposed to give you a clean slate?

you used the word we today
when referring to you and me.
it was said in passing
with little thought behind it.

yet the way you used it,
created an 'us',
so to tackle my problem,

that gave me chance to hope,
to want to intertwine my fingers
with your fingers,
and after that, just see what happens.

I can hear the clock ticking
In the corner of this mundane room.
It smells half of hospital,
Half of rotting flowers and you.
A sad pre emtative truth.

That horrible ticking noise
Grows louder!
Demanding to be heard,
While silently smirking that it can be.
You lay hear dying
And it is a silly old clock we listen to.
Its ticking quickens
As your heart slows.

They will want me to speak
After you go.
I should ask you now what it is you would have me say,
But you seem more engrossed in the packet of Marlboro reds, perhaps your last ever.

Still everyone deserves kind words
At their funeral,
Not that I have any to say
And you made sure there would be nobody else left on your behalf who would speak.
I am afraid the liquor cannot thank you
For the years you drained on it.

Perhaps I could tell them of the time
When I was still young enough to have ***** finger nails and grazed knees
And I fell - tumbling to the ground with such force tears welled in my eyes and soon I was screaming out your name.

You came to my rescue, like the Knight I thought you were.
You patched me up good and took me for food.
I could tell them how this evening was my favourite with you, and how I am sorry that I lost this to liquore.

As I my mind returns to the place at hand,
And I consider telling you this
That horrible ticking ceases to exist,
Taking you with it.

Which is worse?

to feel everything so deeply
every sideways glance
and cold shoulder
feeling like a dagger
grating against my chest

for every glass
that falls and smashes
shattering to dust-like pieces
to feel like the shattering
of my pathetic life

to keep on feeling
that tightness in my chest
knowing you are barely breathing,
and there's no real reason.

to feel the pinpricks on my skin
which feel more like
lacerations to your sole,
to the very core of your being -

Or take the pills that the doctor keeps prescribing
and feel nothing,
not even the death inside?

I want to bleach my soul
so that it may be untainted
and returned
to its original
blank canvasry
of beauty
and innocence,
as sweet as welcomed summer rain.

we were tangle-lost
and falling deeply -
as my skin brushed yours
the beating of our heart stilled -
joined -
and beat again.


There was looks in your eyes
that only I knew,
as we danced
under the lampshade of an old oak tree
I'd have given anything for thee.

now I sit alone
just me,
and some distant memories

I held her breath within my hand
so soft - so sweet
so delicate!

that baby breath -
half in, half out
but breathing still

it twitched around my fingers
a nervous dance -
but dancing still

I reciprocated
with a kiss of life -
but dying still -

Theres wanting love and wanting you -
Making two into one.

Two souls halved
Becoming whole.

I wanted you, wanted it so bad
I'd have lay down and given my life.

I'll never trust, or even love
You didn't break me -

I'll want again, this is true
There'll never again be wanting you.

Might as well be a precious treasure
Long lost to the sea -

I know every line
I've traced them like endless braille
That always has another message to tell

I've coloured every each in and out
Wiping away the evidence of sadness,
Intrigue, shame and curiosity.

I have woken up to those eyes
Every morning that mattered
And slept with it through the darkness.

I know of the wonders that eyes mask
What each glint of the eye means
And that arched eyebrows are a sign of defeat.

I know all its secret blemishes and shame
The freckles which few see -
We are good friends the mirrors face and me.

The waking world
Is my sleeping call
Falling under and lost in the daylight -
The night-dark is my kingdom

No dreaming like one in love
No calling on a boy
No dreaming of a curse
No more dreaming -

You're eyes sparkle like the ocean,
They are as vast and blue too -

I wish I could swim in your eyes,
Forever looking at you.

The bells are ringing loudly,
toiling for their muse.
There won't be another
to fill his shoes.

The bells are ringing louder,
as he makes his final stroll,
upon the shoulders
of his dearests sons.

The bells are ringing,
but no one here can hear,
there is an echo of ending life,
it's time to share our memories
while they are still ripe.

The bells are ringing loudly,
ticking like a fuse.

Love, is the weapon with the sweetest ****,
Hallelujah!
as I count my blessings,
which are far and few.

Love, is my solitude's King,
Hallelujah!
as the world tumbles around me,
I stand still, poignant and smiling.

Love, is a conqueror,*
as all else fails,
or ceases to be.
Hallelujah!
His love is real,
His love is all that can judge me,
and will set me free.
Hallelujah....

I know that I know naught –
That there is infinity
Of that which I’ll never know –
Understand, cherish or learn.

That does not stop the longing –
The yearning of mine heart
To comprehend why you
Must be the harshest cruel –
Everything and nothing
to me.

falling in love, is like aligning with stupidity -
trying to save you, to save us
in the name of love
is like passing your hands through the flames of the fire
someone's going to get burned,
and that someone is always me.

Ad hoc decisions about living or dying
Are stealing you away from the truth,
Because once you're dead, you're dead darling.

" If you live alone,
         You'll die alone, darling "

imagine if you loved yourself
                as much as you loved your friends

I am just glad
that we have that offline
kind of love,
where we really see and hear each other.

I sing a song of sorrow
With a heavy heart

I sing a song of sorrow
For a love I never lost

I sing a song of sorrow
Because you can't loose which was never yours.

I sing a song of sorrow
As you were never mine

I can see the sadness in your eyes
When you recognise their stare
Cast from judging eyes.

I see you gently clench your fists while smiling politely
As you hear the wait staff whispering foolish nothings

The pain in your face was clear to me
When your boss insinuated I was worth more than my "price"
Witty, stubborn and still politely balanced.

I try to soothe you, to say it does not matter.
Let those who will never understand think what they wish
There'll never know our hidden bliss.

I did not fall for a birth date or the lines on your face - though I love them dearly.
Age is only a number darling.

They do not know of all you do for me -
How when my illness takes hold
You do not sleep - watching me like a guiding angel so that I may survive the night.

They do not know of the things that we've seen together -
How the world has grown and become dapled with colour since you let me in
And showed me the world through your wise eyes.

at the very core of my being
is all the scars only a trained eye could see -
what of beauty without misery?

Faded scars and a broken being
lead way to a nonchalant
way of seeing - or existing.

the root of scars,
the root of pain,
the root of endless misery

a pathetic quest for beauty,
but what even is beauty to me?

I am Eve.
Your Eve,
like one, created from your very rib!

I am forever,
a piece of you.
Yet another body.

It is only customary then
that you _
from whom I am created
will be my demise.

Your serpent is there to temp me
and from it
a web cast of lies -

I wonder if you know
how deeply I could love you,
if  you would just let me.


Or is it that you already know
and this is why you choose to leave me in this love-limbo?

Is it my fault that I'm alone?
Is it 'me' that's repelling?

What if this is not just a phase
A single pause throughout my life?
Perhaps I'll be alone
Tonight and every night -

I find my dreams
      are slipping away
            from their usual crazy trance
                    

now my dreams are bittersweet
         echoing a wish so secret -
                  I dream for you, not me.