I will no longer say
that I miss you at night
when my name is written  on pages
you will never read again.

Alone
astray
wandering  in the fog you brought in my mind
a thick mist covering my soul
suffocating.
Lost again
frantically I'll walk
until my heart will stop
stop loving you
stop wishing your road will be one day
the same as mine.

I will no longer say that I need you
in darkness to be my light

I'll drown in this black coffee
all the times I have watched the full moon
thinking of you,
every touch of your cutting hands
I will drown your pictures,
our mornings,
your perfectly painted eyes,
our sleepless nights,
the songs I'm listening on repeat
because I can find you only in their lines.

I will drown you whole.

I will no longer say that I want you
in winter to be my warmest coat.

I will no longer walk this road with no direction
I will no longer watch the moon
or listen to songs,
I will no longer write my name on unread pages.
And when my lungs will be filled
with the ocean I'll cry
I will drown myself
in the same coffee you hate
that I love.

Because I know,
walking any road without you
can only lead me
to my end.

I will no longer breathe
without your love around.

There lies my heart in cold again
waiting in the darkest pain
it prays and prays by the skies to be heard
but skies they reach with nothing but a bolt.

The pavement's wet, my heart is bleeding
in tears I see it breathless leaving
the wings I built they hurt too deep
cause wings of lead can't fly but dig—

There lies my heart in cold again
and I in sorrow am once more falling,
my empty chest, my tears, my pain
in darkness I am hopelessly crawling.

Poetry is dead
when you are not here
to write it in my heart
when your voice is too far away
to read it.

Poetry is dead
when your allure is feeding
strangers' souls on the streets
while I am here alone,
my soul starving.

Poetry is dead in all my being
I feel its ghost leaving my brains
I feel the emptiness inside
and I fear the days
when it will come haunt me
and I won't find a way
to write it.

Sleeping at night it's impossible
cause I hear a question screaming in my chest

When poetry is dead
is there anything out there
left
*alive?

I hope you'll write me letters
from the land
where poetry always dances in front of your eyes
and music never dies.

You left without any notice
no word goodbye
you flew in a second
when I thought you were feeling alive.

You left me with the memories
of some drunk nights
when we were stupid and young
and didn't know
that life is just a dream
of the everlasting death.

Now I am sitting next to your forever bed
feeling the cold ground
and dreaming
about one more day
some last words
a kiss on the forehead
your bright eyes
shining upon mine.

and I wish
you could hear me as I whisper amongst tears  

"I hope you'll write me letters..."

restless every day
i fear the light,
i fear their faces
my heart beating fast at night
won't let me calm my brain.

i will hide in a cocoon
letting the waves of my mind
crush against every thought
driving me insane
never becoming a butterfly
never flying in the light
or i will build a tree house
and hide in there
until I die
or
until You find me.

there are so many words i could write you
but my mouth is locked again
my heart can't read anymore
wish i could tell you how i'd rebuild
the aurelian walls around you,
the king,
but i know my hands are useless now
and my mind has been washed away
by the same sea
you were trying to teach me
how to swim in.

and the beggars on the streets
they ask me for pennies
"from your kindness"
they say
but my cold eyes can't have it anymore.

my decisions are dark
i make mistakes
when i decide to whom i should give my soul,
when i decide what i should ****
when i forget everything i've learnt.

the music i used to love
the metaphors
they don't make sense to me anymore
not because i don't hear them
but because today
i've chosen to see and hear the reality.

sad-eyed lady i will be for some more
but i'll set you free from seeing the sadness
the pain
i wish i could love you
the way seagulls love to rest on the sand
the way children love their paper planes
i wish i could be
the angel you see
but i know
i am just a human being
stepping on souls.

i will start a bonfire
and throw in all that i've been
all that i've ever touched
with my fingertips
or with my heart,
all my clothes
and nights with no dreams
all the stars i've watched thinking of you
the moon and the rainbows too
all the beds i've made love in
all the songs i find you in
the poems i  wrote
my tears and smiles
all my soul
my eyes,
this skin you'll never touch
the way i want you to,
all my seasons
and all the years i'll have to live without you.
i'll make a bonfire
and i will throw in all i've got
all the trees
and everything surrounding me
a great bonfire, indeed
designed to put me on desolation row
for eternity.
i'll throw in all that hurts the most
except for my love for you
and a picture with your name on it
that i keep
for rainy days like these.

trapped between reality and nightmare
between truth and lies
a constant war in my mind
I cannot fight it with my dusty hands

trying to save myself seems useless
I am but a hollow soul
a darkness in those around me
a crying of despair
a lost cause
no need to be
no need to breath
my legacy is just a wall
with no entering doors
I feel
I dream
I hope sometimes
but i know
I matter not.

in this world
there's only place for light
darkness shall be left
behind.

when i hear your voice
i feel like smoking a million cigarettes
and drink tens of bottles of wine
i see pictures of your smile
i hear you protesting in wise words
and saying all the things
about people who are not heard

the way your harmonica sounds
and your guitar strings
they lift me to heaven
and bring me back to earth
a vision of love and hate
your voice
something so strong,
my ordinary ears cannot understand sometimes
your words

some say you don't have the voice
but the way i hear it
i can't compare it to anything
not to angels
nor to demons
you have the right kind of soul
the kind they will never get to know

i wish you'd never disappear
never go
i know
a stupid illusion
but in my heart you are the one
making my rainy days bright
your songs they make me smile
every time i hear them in my room.

i had a dream
you were sitting next to me
typing some words
and as much as I deny it
i know
it was the most wonderful image
i'll ever get to see.

playing with words is your best game
a mystery
a lost soul
a rough voice
and gentle touch of strings
a mad voice in a world
with nothing to believe in
to you
i'll drink a glass
and in my heart
your music will be
the only thing that will ever last.

i see you painted in other peoples's eyes
i see you smiling in the blue irises
swimming ocean's deepest blues
crossing the horizon and touching the sky.

i see your picture in the green eyes
in spring's early grass i see you laughing
daydreaming,
playing with some hopes
the way you play with my thoughts.

i see your picture in the deep brown eyes
eating their chocolate
the way you sometimes eat my heart

in the black skies
i see you painted
there are no stars
just you wandering alone
looking for something
something i don't know..

i see you painted in blue and green
in brown and hazel and black
and i can only hope
one day you'll see your smile
painted in own blue eyes.

we are the masters of self-destruction
trying to numb the pain with wine
and drugs
and smoke filling up our lungs,
we write down in lines with no rhyme
all the things
that make our souls burn and die.
our poems bleed
we drink their blood
then we write again,
listening to stupid songs all night
wishing sometimes we were deaf
wishing we were dead.
we let the doors open
anyone with a knife can come inside
cutting our hearts in half,
any tear is welcome
to create the ocean around us
in which we deliberately drown ourselves.
masters of self-destruction,
our bodies are temples where dying souls hide,
we run till our legs are broken
jump off cliffs
go between sharks' cheeks
forgetting to sleep
to dream
we bleed
we drink
we love
and hurt
it's a madmen game we play
each day
laughing hysterically
while slowly taking steps to the graves
we dug for ourselves,
the masters of self-destruction we are
lunatics
worshiping what's not for us to adore
crying
hiding
falling again
and again.
legs broken,
hearts cut and eaten
flesh ripped from our bones
lungs full of water
ears burnt
our eyes scream
but that's fine
'cause we are the masters of self-destruction
and our life is just a mad game

i'd sleep all day and constantly wake from nightmares
within nightmares
within nightmares
somehow couldn't recognise the reality,
lost in a blizzard of loud whispers
in a place filled with cold white coats and sick feelings
and worries painted on people's eyelids.

but now i hear your voice in the back of my eyes
i feel the words you say
i could say so many things
but my tongue is locked
my hands just shake
can't hold any letter
any vowel
the ashes of my words
are blown away from my lips

you're playing the strings of my brain
again and again
such a gentle touch,
a warm feeling that makes me forget
about the whispers and cold and worries.

i listened to your song in my sleep last night
and in a flash
the nightmare morphed into a dream
within a dream
within a dream

in this quiet room
i can only hear the rain knocking on my window
i can only feel the storm in my head
dark and it's getting darker
light won't ever shine
cold and it's getting colder
it's autumn in my heart
dying with every leaf
i haven't got the will to live
my body aches
millions of needles through my skin
my heart dies little by little
i embrace the pain
i'm holding my breath
i find joy when closer to death
i am drowning in tears
cutting in my flesh
the rain from my veins falling harder and harder
red on my legs
red from my wrists
an ocean of misery i'm falling in
i cannot swim
i'm drowning in a sleep
that i'd like to last forever.

religion should be about hope
not putting fear in other people's souls
should be about about peace
not about starting wars
about forgiveness
not about punishing innocent hearts

imagine all the people living life in peace

but how can one do this when bombs are thrown
instead of love
when moms cry
and children die
peace is impossible to be seen
when music dies and we hear only desperate hearts
praying
begging
wondering why.

we have different Gods and rules
our prayers sound different
our holy books are not the same
and
there are many sins in our souls
but
you're not God, nor am I
and none of us should play
the game of washing sins away
with spilled blood
and shed tears.

25 daydreams and nightmares i've lived
25 trees i climbed and fell from
25 poems i wrote and then destroyed
25 cherries i stole from Death's lips
25 times i danced in rain trying to forget the pain
25 hopes i found and hopes i lost
25 cigarettes i smoked until suffocation
i died a little more  25 times.

25 years seem sometimes like they went in a blink;
sometimes like it's been an eternity.

i'm looking in the mirror trying to find
a sign of peace
a trace of light
but i can only see
the ugliness building up
the heavy rain in my eyes
the craks in my skin
the 25 wringles life has put all over my face,

25 years and i feel too old, too tired, too weak
to destroy
these 25 walls
i've built
around
myself.

in my dreams i see you sometimes
i am next to you and your eyes
are not sad
they just smile the way i saw them smiling
only a few times

when i look in the mirror
i hear your voice saying there was beauty in my
smile and in my big blue eyes
i was a little girl then
and many years have gone
and you have gone with them
but
i still remember your hugs
though it feels like decades since i was last in your arms
and your voice still echoes in my brain
i remember the last time we spoke you told me
to not cry,
to be strong
and i am trying to be.
i am.

i pretend that i am.

i see you in my dreams sometimes
and i am again a 6 years old little girl
running to you
when you open the front door
and waking up realising
i will see your face no more
it's the most painful story
and i cry sometimes
but you are not here
to open any door
and i am not 6 years old any more
and there's no beauty
in  my big blue crying eyes.

you left and took away your voice,
your dancing,
your bright face
your warm arms
and your kind eyes,
i am left only with a picture
i keep inside a box
behind the front door of my heart
and i want to go back,
to be your little girl again
and i know i'll never get to tell you
that I don't want to pretend any more
and I want you to tell me
that it's okay if i am not always strong
that it's okay to cry.

in many lines i have tried to write you
but i always do it the wrong way
and it seems impossible to describe
how much i miss you
and i need you
and
how much
i love you.

i hope  she thinks of you
when the sun shines
in her morning window
and when the moon is full at night
i hope is your face what comes to her mind

when beautiful songs play on the radio
i hope she wants to share them with you
cause i know music is like therapy to you

i hope she thinks of you
before closing her eyes at night
and in her dreams she kisses you
a billion times
i hope she smiles at your picture in b&w;
that she sees all the beauty you carry
inside,
outside.

i hope she talks with you
and she wonders if you're feeling all right
if you had lunch
if you sleep enough
if you rest at night
i hope she asks you about your fears
and dreams
i hope she's there for you
when pain hits you the worst.

i hope she doesn't hurt you.

i hope she gives you the happiness
i could never bring to you
i hope she cares about you
at least as much
as i do.

i hope she loves you

looking for a fresh page
a new start
but I fail
the lights are still down
in the back of my brain
seems impossible to come out of this alive

looking for a hand to hold mine
a friendly smile
a saviour
but I am only lying to myself
as I know,
today's heroes are the ones
who tomorrow will shoot you down

I look for love
and kind words at night
I look for the star that's gonna make light on my path
I look for someone who'll tell me
that it is gonna be all right

I look around for rescuers
I picture them in my mind
I smile when I think that I might one day find
they're real
and I forget for a few moments
there are only temporary heroes
and the ones to save me today
will tomorrow be the first ones
to **** me with their ****** hands

I look around for temporary heroes
and I forget
that my only forever lasting hero
lives within myself

not even the hardest rain can stop
the fire you started in my chest,                                                    
the burning desire consumes me
until i become
the smoke impregnating in your skin

you eyes haunt me in the middle of the night
my pen is blocked, my thoughts have gone blind
your voice, your touch-
permanent tattoos always reminding me
how in this sick world
you are the remedy for my being.

your fingers dancing on my body
melt my skin
i become
one with the sky and one with the ground,
you are the infinite
and I
just an earthling
coming back to live
everytime you kiss me

we had many addictions,
but i gave up them all
i am only addicted to your lips,
your insanity is the only place i want to live in
i want to become you and you to become me
i want to feel your taste

so kiss me, hold me
let me get lost under your skin
for forever

let me be your ******

I know it's hard to touch the clouds
when memories
hold you down
I know you cry a lot inside
when no one is
around
I know it is hard to wake up
sometimes
when breathing cuts so deep.

and the birds, they sing
but
you cannot hear
and the sun, it shines
but
you cannot see
and there's a lot of warmth around
but
you cannot feel.

I know it feels so hard
to live
with so many scars

but

light will shine and you will
see
and birds will sing and
you will hear

It's just a dark path
you have to walk
and I will be there
to walk along
don't hold your breath
don't give up yet
just
keep your hope
and you'll find one day
that you can fly again
for you deserve
the highest clouds
the purest air
the deepest love.

and I'll be here for you,
you, dear soul,
the sweetest lyric
of them all.

My tuberculosis infected heart
spits blood
and
stays away from light
lives in humidity causing fungus growing
In my inside.

My tb infected heart caughs from all its holes
at night
it never sleeps
nevear eats
it's lost it's appetite for people and joy
and laughs

My tb infected heart will die soaked
in smoke
they'll burn its bed, its clothes
every crumble of feelings
and I will be left naked
with blood stains on my skin

My tb infected heart
lives in isolation
between walls of mirrors reflecting
the misery of my mind
It lives in fear and shame
hungrily waiting for death to come
for them to burn its bed.

painkillers for the body
and painkillers for the soul
I've wasted them all.
I fell into the darkness for which
I thought there was no cure.

Desperate, in denial,
laying on a dying bed
was waiting and waiting in silence
to be brought back from the dead.

And then your memory came again
a pale moon in the black sky
I found deep down in the darkness
a reason to get up.

I was lost in the night
until you taught me how to love the sun
cause you are but a shadow on my heart
and shadows can't exist without light

dogs playing happily in the park
children laughing on the playground
birds flying up in the sky,
this picture makes me wanna die.

a clean blue sky
and a warm shy sun
heath makes me feel like
I'm melting to the ground

I'm suffocating.

pretty girls in white dresses
people with kind voices
long, blonde hair in the wind
big, smiling eyes
and tattoos on upper backs
love them all
they used to make my heart laugh
but now I'm only drowning.

The dirt calls my name all day long
sometimes I think
maybe is there where I belong
six feet under, alone
away
from all this puppet show.

The most beautiful smiles come sometimes with tears,
The deepest feelings can come with distance.

The distance between me and you
cannot be measured in miles, or kilometres, hours of travelling, nor in any other unit invented by mankind;
it is measured in feelings and thoughts,
in dreams and longings
in "wish you were here" messages sent at 2:32am from a drunk heart who has forgotten the touch of a kind warm hand
it's measured in unsaid words and unshared laughs ,
in skin that has not been touched and tears that have not been wiped
in mental blocks caused by a picture you can't stop staring at
in mad driven souls screaming the same name endlessly
in hearts beating fast at the sound of a ringing phone,
it is measured in empty arms
in lonely walks at night
in the morning coffee poured in only one cup and tables for one at the restaurant
in cold beds
sleepless nights
in eyes that don't meet
lips becoming dry because of the absence of that special kiss.
It is measured in never coming true wishes.

Such a long, painful, distance between me and you
I will always be able to reach you
only with the fingertips
of my mind.

I wasn't there with my body
when you were happy,
or walking in an evening rain,
I wasn't there with my eyes
to see the tears you shed
I wasn't there to feel your skin,
to see your eyes bloom at night.
I wasn't.

I wasn't there with the body
that would keep your feelings warm,
I wasn't with the arms
that would make your pain go.

I thought i was there in your soul,
a shade of sea,
a morning in the spring,
my words, I thought,
they'd make you feel
the same sunrise that's in my smile
whenever your voice speaks to me.

I hoped I was at least a dream,
a thought of yours at night,
a traveller in your mind,
a phrase,
a nonsense,
I hoped
I was one of your cigars,
your cup of tea,
your rest.

I thought
I hoped
In silence now I know
I wasn't with you
at all.

You are Shakespeare in a world of fools,
poetry in a world of broken words and
broken feelings.

in a world full of desperate cryings
and spiteful noises,
You are the jazz instrument that
makes it quiet in my mind.

You are love in the middle of
this war i am fighting with myself.

Your lips, pure art,
You are the smile
that brings colour
in this black-and-white world.

You
a dance in a summer rain,
You
a rebel lost in a world of rules,
a free bird,
a mystery,
You
the richest wine,
that makes my dark feelings
numb.

You,
beautiful as Vincent's Starry Night,
Your eyes are two blue moons
i get lost in
You,
the one who has a shelter in my mind,
You,
the purest feet that have ever stepped on my heart.

You,
the voice that lifts me from the abyss
whenever i fall.


To be or not to be is no longer a question,
to be with You
is the only answer.

A train that never leaves the station
a bird with broken wings
an acid rain killing the spring flowers
I am
the clouds covering the full moon,
a funeral
the desert's freezing nights
I am
the thoughts that won't let you sleep at night
the deepest paper cut,
an illness with no cure
I am
the dust covering your lungs
the antagonist in your stories,
the cold wind hurting your bones.

I am the pain that hurts you the most.
I am the pain that loves you the most.

Words don't come to me anymore
silence grows deeper in my soul
the pain gets stronger and stronger.

My hopes, they turn to ashes
at the touch of my hands
I lose them, they slip through my fingers
and they're no Phoenix bird,
won't ever reborn.

Disappointment,
Failure
At every step I take.
My life,
a sinking ship.
My fears consume me day by day.

My love makes me rot inside
light burns my eyes,
music hurts my mind,
my soul is full of scars,
hopeless,
empty,
weak.

I shall die in the darkest silence.

I can’t remember the last time
I walked in light,
nor how the sun felt on my skin,
it’s always dark in here
and while trying to make my way in any direction
I find myself stumbling upon souls I lost and souls I miss
and pieces of long forgotten feelings,
I find myself falling over words that can never be taken back
over regrets that have never been said,
I hurt myself
when I step on memories crashing under my feet and
on broken mirrors wearing my once bright face,
or on silent songs that once used to be loud.

Like a child learning how to ride a bike,
I will keep on falling over and over again,
but I’ll never learn
cause there is no one here to hold onto the saddle.

Start drinking,
push away all your family members,
spend a lot of time alone,
move somewhere far, far away from your friends
and the places you like;
spend a few hours a day
thinking about
all the things you've failed at.
And drink some more.
Start wearing more black,
learn to love your nightmares
and start hating yourself.
Forget about all the things you used to like,
all your hobbies,
listen to Pink Floyd or Nick Cave or
Nancy Sinatra’s Bang Bang,
Read Bukowski or Ginsbersg or Emily Dickinson
and drink some more.
Cry.
Cry every day.
Don’t answer your mom's calls,
think about the people you have lost
and drink some more.
And the most important thing,
the final cut,
take someone you like,
someone you care about
and make them hate you.

Then drink some more.

February is like one of the darkest nights,
a sleep full of nightmares,
it is like a bad, old cigarette,
filling up my lungs with
smoke
that won’t let me breathe.

February is like a muddy day,
anywhere I go it makes me feel miserable and filthy,
it makes me feel like a child whose birthday everyone forgot about,
February is like the monster under the bed,
it gets me scared and makes me cry
and I cannot sleep at night.

February makes me want to run away,
it’s like a bad mother who keeps on hurting her child,
it’s like a storm when you’re walking home after a hard day,
it's like the worst sunburn or
the worst paper cut.

February is like an endless Sunday
it’s like the saddest clown,
the most painful song,
February is like a cemetery at night,
like a day in a ****** war.

I have the same menu every February day
wine for breakfast and wine for lunch
and  some more wine for dinner..
I still can’t forget, I still can’t forget
the way you left.

And now you’re going..
Your blue eyes leaving a cold shadow on my soul
Realizing that you cannot love me
That you don’t need me.

And the wine will never  taste the same it did before.

And now you’re leaving
Taking with you all the scents I've put in your hair
All the poems I've read to you
All the perfect moons
The ugly, boring Sundays
Your smile
The smoke of cigar coming from your lungs
Your heart
Your voice whispering
“I’ll never leave you”.

Falling

Drowning.

I remember how your voice used to keep me
at the surface
walking like Jesus on water I was
thinking that I was saved
from the beasts living, hiding at the bottom of the ocean
waiting, and waiting, and waiting in silence
for me to drown
to get deep into this misery.

Falling.

Drowning.

The beasts at the bottom are waiting and waiting,
your voice is fading, grows weaker and weaker,
I find myself unable to walk
I drown with every step I try to take.
The beasts in the deep are coming for me.


I am unsaved.

I'm still gonna keep you
Even though you hurt me
Even though you drag me down
Even though your hands burn my skin.

I am gonna keep you
Even though my breath is poisoned by your air
Even though when I sleep next to you
My demons, they wake up.

I am gonna keep you
Even though you make me feel cold
And empty
And with you there’s only darkness,
I can never see the light.

I am gonna keep you
Even though I no longer love you
And you no longer seem to love me.
Even though your heart is full of lies
And I cannot believe them anymore.

I am gonna keep you
Because I am weak
And scared of being free.

Broken
Empty
I feel naked
Ashamed
My heart is exposed and my weaknesses are there
In everyone's eyes
My darkness only blinds me
I hear people laughing diabolically
Planning ways to use my flaws
I feel people getting too close
I cannot stop them
My wall is down, my broken arms
Cannot build a new one
I cannot run anymore
Cannot oppose them
I can't cover my nakedness.

My mind has become a blank page
I don’t know who I am anymore
I am lost
In the darkness I feel that I've never existed;
In my thoughts I see
Things that are not supposed to be here

Bitter words are flying in my brain
There’s a cold wind in my soul
I am getting cold
Like Andersen’s Little Match Girl
Dreaming hopelessly about some arms that could make me warm.

I hurt
I'm hunted by poltergeists,
With my bleeding hands I dig my own hole in the ground,
I hide in it
I close my eyes
I feel that I'm dying, but I know
I am only sleeping.


I can only hope that I will soon wake up from this nightmare

12:02  in the night
and I miss the other 12:02-s
with you and Dylan’s blues
and no words sometimes
just with the drinks in which we were drowning, but we wouldn't let
each other die.

12:02 in the night
and I am trying to hold your voice somewhere
in the corner of my mind,
but it fades away with every second.
I'm trying to remember the way your left eye would smile
everytime after I’d kiss it,
the way you used to write my body down on random pieces of paper,
the nights in the bars,
the smoke of cigars,
the tissues on which we would write our love,
the morning coffee,
your body next to mine,
your dreams, my tears, your trains,
the station where I've waited for you
so many times,
the way your fingers would touch my skin,
the words,
the flowers,
your shirt covering my body in the morning,
your heart,
that night at the beach,
or the sunrises.
I'm trying to remember
the “you and I”,
the we

I'm trying to remember when did we give up
saving each other
from drowning to death.

When I think of you,
I see this imaginary person my mind has created
to make the pain easier to endure,
I see you reading my words
and writing to me,
worried or smiling,
sometimes happy, but most of the time sad.

When I think of you,
I can feel the warmth coming from your soul
even though it is full of cold darkness and full of demons in there,
when I think of you
I imagine your beautiful smile,
your voice whispering healing words,
your eyes looking into my heart,
I can see myself being in your arms and feeling safe.

When I think of you
I imagine someone who would wait for me
in a small, warm-lighted house,
at the end of a hard winter day.

When I think of you,
I see someone who would
Make soup for me when I am down and hungry.

When I think of you, it sometimes hurts
because I will never know if you are real,
I will never have the smile,
I will always have only the words.

When I think of you
I have the feeling of emptiness,
like a cold winter wind blows in my body.
I feel like my stomach clenches up in knots,
and I can't breathe or speak any more.

When I think you, it hurts so much
because I'm always down,
I'm always hungry.

Dear friend,
I wish you could tell me
how am I supposed to speak when I know
my words will never reach your ears again,
how am I supposed to breathe when I know
that I no longer share the air with you,
how am I supposed to listen to anything
when I know my ears will never hear your voice again?

Dear fried, tell me
how am I supposed to wake up every morning
and see the daylight
when I know my eyes will never meet yours again?

How am I supposed to touch anything when I know
that my hands will never again touch your skin?
and tell me,
how am I supposed to feel warm
when your arms will never again be around my body?

Dear friend, please tell me
how am I supposed to let other lips kiss my forehead?

How am I supposed to smell the tulips again
Without remembering how you used to say that
I am like a tulip —beautiful in my simplicity?

Dear friend, please tell me
How could you go
When you promised you would never ever
Leave me?

i am never alone
there are nightmares walking beside me every second of my life,
demons procreating in my head,
a freak show of feelings disguised like those clowns that terrify me,
my mind is the stage for a barbarian, ****** show,
i am an open field full of bombs that explode with every step I take breaking me
into little dark pieces of something that used to be warm and bright,
i mourn for my soul and I never remember how to laugh anymore,
i have this internal bleeding and there is neither cure nor doctor for it to treat it
i can feel how I am losing pieces of myself while running or walking or just breathing,
i can see the cage I’ve thrown myself in
i feel the sun burning my soul and I cannot stop it, I cannot cover it I can’t
run from it anymore because my legs are broken
i cry every day until I dissolve in my own sour tears
i don’t know how to cry for help anymore, I am tongue-tied
i am scared of breathing and scared of not breathing
i am never alone
they make me dance to their music until my legs give up and I fall, I crawl
into the darkness trying to hide but there’s no hiding from them
i know the only refuge
is in Death.

She was so beautiful
The blind men would fall in love with her beauty.
She was so beautiful
The angels would give up their wings
So they could walk next to her.
She was so beautiful
The seagulls would fly to the desert
Just to be with her.
She was so beautiful
Not even the demons would dare to seed sins
in her pure soul.
She was so beautiful
I would let her hurt me over and over again
And thank her for that.
She was too beautiful for such a miserable heart
Like mine.

I cannot imagine myself living in a world
where you don’t exist.
Because in this world where all one can smell
is gun smoke and young blood shed on the pavements,
in this world, your breath makes the air pure
bearable to me,
even though you are so far away from my arms,
even though I will never have you
and I've never had.
Even though you've been only one of those vivid dreams
from which I wake up crying
and scared
and happy.

I woke up a long time ago,
but I can still feel the air
you were breathing out
into my soul.

I put my heart on some guitar strings
I let you play them the way you wanted
We've never really had the same songs in our ears
But as long as your fingers play me,
You could turn me into the devil’s notes
And I would still be happy.

But I forgot, you just like listening to music
You've never been able to play anything
You just break the strings
And abandon the guitar
In the corner of your room
Behind your desk
Behind your eyes
Behind your life.
I wish you would just let me escape,
Escape the darkness, the nonsense you threw me in
Because I am here and I hear the songs you listen
And they are not for me
And you don’t know how much I could love you
You don’t know that the sad songs you listen to
Hurt me more than they hurt you.
You don’t know that I could make them quiet
Only if you would let me in your heart.
Only if you would repair the strings
And learn how to play them.

My soul has a deep cut
I would stick a plaster over it and I would keep going
But I have none and nobody gets close enough
To see that I am bleeding in the inside,
To see that I need to be saved.
Nobody would waste their good feelings on me.
Nobody wants me in their life
The same way a child doesn't want a broken toy.

I am a broken toy.

I want to get smaller and smaller, to turn into a ghost, a shadow, to be able to hide in a wormhole in the ground.
I want people to forget about me. Because I hate myself and I hate everything I do. Because I hurt everyone I know and I destroy everything I touch.
I want to stop the time, to live forever in this moment, I want my life to stop advancing in space, because I don’t like where it goes. It’s like my body, my whole existence, is composed of mistakes and I am like this gigantic fault magnet, no matter what I do, no matter where I go, failure is there, waiting for me.
The demons inside my head build a hell for me every day and I have to carry it with me all the time. And I can’t stop them. I am so used to this hell that I am afraid of trying to get rid of it. I’m afraid of becoming happy.
So I hide.
I feel weak, I feel cold. I feel a sharp pain in my chest.
My bones are empty.
I fall.
I shatter.
I am small, but not small enough.

I feel like I am one of those sad songs
nobody wants to hear at a party
because they wake up memories,
open wounds,
make you bleed inside
And because in a few moments they ****
Everything that’s left of you.

Because they hurt.

There’s something that makes me spend
more and more time in my room.
It is a dark place,
the lights never get through the window,
there are monsters under the bed,
but they never sleep.

People are not allowed in my room
they can’t even knock at the door;
Some of them know it,
they just let me be alone.
—or maybe they just don’t care—
But sometimes new people arrive in my world,
they try to save me
so they just come in.
And that’s when I hurt them.
And then the monsters make me lock the door,
light a small candle
and read from the book where the pain
writes poems every day,
while they show me pictures of all the people I've hurt,
of everything I've destroyed.

And then my entire being starts screaming, mad at me,
until I shatter and pieces of me cover the floor.
After that comes the silence.


You don't know  how afraid I am
of silent, dark nights
how something just makes me go in there
every time I start feeling
love.

And I wish I could let people in
without hurting them.

But I can't.

So please, don't come in
don't even knock.
Don't try to save me.

There are monsters in my room
and I am the worst of them.

There were times
when the moon used to hurt so much
it was like someone
was constantly carving in my heart
portraits  of pain
it was like someone
was painting with flames
your face
in my chest