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Aeerdna Mar 2016
25 daydreams and nightmares i've lived
25 trees i climbed and fell from
25 poems i wrote and then destroyed
25 cherries i stole from Death's lips
25 times i danced in rain trying to forget the pain
25 hopes i found and hopes i lost
25 cigarettes i smoked until suffocation
i died a little more  25 times.

25 years seem sometimes like they went in a blink;
sometimes like it's been an eternity.

i'm looking in the mirror trying to find
a sign of peace
a trace of light
but i can only see
the ugliness building up
the heavy rain in my eyes
the craks in my skin
the 25 wringles life has put all over my face,

25 years and i feel too old, too tired, too weak
to destroy
these 25 walls
i've built
birthday ****** mood
Aeerdna Mar 2016
not even the hardest rain can stop
the fire you started in my chest,                                                    
the burning desire consumes me
until i become
the smoke impregnating in your skin

you eyes haunt me in the middle of the night
my pen is blocked, my thoughts have gone blind
your voice, your touch-
permanent tattoos always reminding me
how in this sick world
you are the remedy for my being.

your fingers dancing on my body
melt my skin
i become
one with the sky and one with the ground,
you are the infinite
and I
just an earthling
coming back to live
everytime you kiss me

we had many addictions,
but i gave up them all
i am only addicted to your lips,
your insanity is the only place i want to live in
i want to become you and you to become me
i want to feel your taste

so kiss me, hold me
let me get lost under your skin
for forever

let me be your ******
Aeerdna May 2016
I saw war machines between the clouds
and while the sky was burning
people on the ground were living carelessly,
ignoring the Apocalypse above.

I saw a madman hysterically laughing and dancing
amongst  people with bleeding smiles
and I, as one of them,
was wandering by the river,
watching, listening,
not knowing if anything was real.

(A stranger took a picture of me
and I felt pretty.)

Then finding myself in the middle of nowhere
I saw demons burning everything I owned
—a poem, a dress, and your picture—
My legs frightened running and running and running
until my body touched the ground.
Breathless, suffocating,
I knew then
that it was the end.
just a summary of my dream last night

Aeerdna Feb 2016
Start drinking,
push away all your family members,
spend a lot of time alone,
move somewhere far, far away from your friends
and the places you like;
spend a few hours a day
thinking about
all the things you've failed at.
And drink some more.
Start wearing more black,
learn to love your nightmares
and start hating yourself.
Forget about all the things you used to like,
all your hobbies,
listen to Pink Floyd or Nick Cave or
Nancy Sinatra’s Bang Bang,
Read Bukowski or Ginsbersg or Emily Dickinson
and drink some more.
Cry every day.
Don’t answer your mom's calls,
think about the people you have lost
and drink some more.
And the most important thing,
the final cut,
take someone you like,
someone you care about
and make them hate you.

Then drink some more.
I'm sorry.
Aeerdna Jun 2016
And if the rain will put you to ground
I'll grow wings and fly you somewhere in a different world
I'll take you in a room painted in your favourite colours
and with blue skies drawings on the windows.
I'll turn myself into light
and burn for you everyday until the end of my life;
I'll be your moon in the night
I'll collect stars and place them on your ceiling
and night birds will sing you lullabies;
I'll send the rain away
to the farthest worlds
and inside you I'll plant
a peaceful air that will never be defeated
by thunder or gloomy times.

If the rain will put you down
I'll give you my hand
and fly you away
in my heart.

My eyes will become
a blue-green rainbow
behind your smile.

*And rain will never sadden you again.
Aeerdna Jan 2017
I love the way the Earth sings your name
It's like the skies are slowly falling
On piano tiles
That even the deaf can hear.
So pure, so slowly killing and reviving souls
At the same time.

I love the way you play with the wind
Like a child who learns how to play guitar
Sometimes foolishly breaking the strings
Sometimes creating music
That cuts deeply into my soul.

I love the way snow settles on your eyelashes
And how your eyes turn into a Wonderland
Where I don't shrink nor I grow
I just turn into someone
Who perfectly fits
In your world.
Aeerdna Apr 2016
It is on the top of the mountains from your eyes
where I find my hope, my home, my harmony
I climb them daily
and touch with my bare hands the skies
I see the sunset light
shining under your eyelashes
its warmth falls upon my skin
so softly caressing the corners of my lips
shaping them into a smile I have long forgotten,
your fingers through my hair,
your touch belongs to angels
a rain of desire falls on my existence,
I am dissolved and recreated,
our scents intertwined
running wildly where no  man has been,
your kiss writing musical notes
all over my skin,
a perfect world inside your arms,
your smooth breath makes my mind melt,
the harsh wind blowing in my bones
is now just a warm breeze making the pain go.
Your air so pure
cutting through my flesh, filling my heart,
I close my eyes to feel it's power over my body
I breath in
I feel calm,
I feel alive,
in your whispers
I am again
*lost and found

Aeerdna Aug 2015
The walls around me are still breathing
the smoke of your last cigar.
I remember how you used to
let me wrap you around my fingers
like a velvet ring
and the way you were staring
into me
while I was braiding your hair
with the sky, the ground
and the sea.

I remember it was
the last day on Earth
of our embrace.
Aeerdna May 2016
I'll take your hand as I've had in many dreams
and together we'll fly in the night's sky
our love braided with the numberless stars
will make angels cry.

We'll find our place next to the moon
caressed by the light of the stars
I'll lay my head on your chest
and in the sweetest dream forever we'll be
tasting the joy of living
our bodies will float above the mortality
untouched by death's sour kiss.

I'll take your hand and fly with you to the stars
and there our souls will discover immortality.

*À gauche de la lune et parmi les étoiles
nous trouverons l'amour éternel.

Aeerdna Jun 2016
The angels are falling under the weight of the clouds
helplessly fighting with a world
where good hearts are hiding
frightened by the malice around.

The angels are falling,
their wings are dissolving
under the tempest coming
from clouds of hatred and darkness.
Their bodies with the light of stars are dying,
their dreams turning to dust
swept by monsters
under the rugs we're stepping on
saying that everything is fine,
turning our heads,
pretending we're not seeing
that the angels are falling
and the monsters are cleaning the roads
to an existence
without dreams
without purity.

The sound of guns covering the voices
of the innocent children we used to be
blindly we're walking
lying to ourselves
that everything it's gonna be alright.

The angels are falling
and with their tears
we're drowning
in a sea of blood,
in the emptiness.

Aeerdna Mar 2016
painkillers for the body
and painkillers for the soul
I've wasted them all.
I fell into the darkness for which
I thought there was no cure.

Desperate, in denial,
laying on a dying bed
was waiting and waiting in silence
to be brought back from the dead.

And then your memory came again
a pale moon in the black sky
I found deep down in the darkness
a reason to get up.

I was lost in the night
until you taught me how to love the sun
cause you are but a shadow on my heart
and shadows can't exist without light
Aeerdna Feb 2016
Words don't come to me anymore
silence grows deeper in my soul
the pain gets stronger and stronger.

My hopes, they turn to ashes
at the touch of my hands
I lose them, they slip through my fingers
and they're no Phoenix bird,
won't ever reborn.

At every step I take.
My life,
a sinking ship.
My fears consume me day by day.

My love makes me rot inside
light burns my eyes,
music hurts my mind,
my soul is full of scars,

I shall die in the darkest silence.
Aeerdna Oct 2015
My soul has a deep cut
I would stick a plaster over it and I would keep going
But I have none and nobody gets close enough
To see that I am bleeding in the inside,
To see that I need to be saved.
Nobody would waste their good feelings on me.
Nobody wants me in their life
The same way a child doesn't want a broken toy.

I am a broken toy.
Aeerdna May 2016
Love like it's the last day
you are allowed to breathe.
Dream like madmen
lunatics running in the streets
dream like children
wanting to touch the sky
with their paper wings.
Feel the air entering your skin
run, jump, scream,
watch the sunsets
talk to the moon
feel the rain
cry if you must,
travel to unknown places,
don't listen to the ones who tell you
that you're not supposed to dream,
touch horizons
enjoy the stars
and the sleepless nights.
look around to things tomorrow you might not have.
dance like crazy people
the way trees dance with the wind
but don't forget to hear the music.
Life is a song
hear its melody
before the silence breaks in.        

Aeerdna Sep 2016
Behind the window where raindrops rest
there lies a world dying
under the red sky
a world where the half moon
still looks for its temporary sun,
a world where hope buries people alive
while silver birds are flying
to another sunrise.
behind the window where stars cry
lies my soul
still looking for you
under the dark clouds
of a room
with a dying light.
Aeerdna Apr 2016
i will start a bonfire
and throw in all that i've been
all that i've ever touched
with my fingertips
or with my heart,
all my clothes
and nights with no dreams
all the stars i've watched thinking of you
the moon and the rainbows too
all the beds i've made love in
all the songs i find you in
the poems i  wrote
my tears and smiles
all my soul
my eyes,
this skin you'll never touch
the way i want you to,
all my seasons
and all the years i'll have to live without you.
i'll make a bonfire
and i will throw in all i've got
all the trees
and everything surrounding me
a great bonfire, indeed
designed to put me on desolation row
for eternity.
i'll throw in all that hurts the most
except for my love for you
and a picture with your name on it
that i keep
for rainy days like these.
Aeerdna May 2016
Today I cannot write,
my soul crawling in  misery
I have a lump in my throat
and all I can do is fight the wish
to cut it out.

At the end of my fingertips
the words are dying
as I touch them with my red nails
and in my mind I am slowly realising
that the world is not the place
where I belong.

I'm a misfit,
a creep ,
my ugliness  building walls in my soul,
my eyes are bleeding,
while in my heart I am still wondering
whether I deserve to be loved.

upon myself the sky cries
icy teardrops
cracking up my brain
my skin hurts
and in my soul
the answer to my question is a big NO.

*No, love will never find its road towards my soul.
Aeerdna Dec 2015
Dear friend,
I wish you could tell me
how am I supposed to speak when I know
my words will never reach your ears again,
how am I supposed to breathe when I know
that I no longer share the air with you,
how am I supposed to listen to anything
when I know my ears will never hear your voice again?

Dear fried, tell me
how am I supposed to wake up every morning
and see the daylight
when I know my eyes will never meet yours again?

How am I supposed to touch anything when I know
that my hands will never again touch your skin?
and tell me,
how am I supposed to feel warm
when your arms will never again be around my body?

Dear friend, please tell me
how am I supposed to let other lips kiss my forehead?

How am I supposed to smell the tulips again
Without remembering how you used to say that
I am like a tulip —beautiful in my simplicity?

Dear friend, please tell me
How could you go
When you promised you would never ever
Leave me?
Aeerdna May 2016
We are but two roses in the same vase
sharing the same water
same light,
but our leaves never again touching.
You've grown colder
we've grown apart
separated yet together dying.

Tell me, why do we, roses, die so easily?

Our scents fading,
but our thorns getting sharper
in a world where all the flowers bloom
we are the ones to be wilting.

Tell me, why does the moonlight darken our colours?

I know
I will love you with all my thorns
and with my fading shades
until the last petal will fall
until the sun upon me
will stop shining.

*Tell me, why is there blood on your thorns
and why is my heart leaking?
Together we stand
divided we fall.
Aeerdna May 2016
A hand pushes me in the black
whenever a ray of colour dares to appear in my eyes,
even in my happiest moments
I feel its touch on my spine,
it sets worries on my forehead,
a hand designated by my inner demons
to keep me restless.

In the echo of my laughter
you can still hear the voice of my angst
eating me alive.

A hand wakes me up at night,
painting nightmares under my lashes,
pulling my muscles,
breaking my bones,
digging in my flesh with its sharp claws;
the ceiling pressing my face,
I die a million times and still it is not enough.
it never stops.
My mind hurts,
heart beats too fast,
cracking up my weak veins.
I scream and cry,
afraid of the next nightmare,
I hope one day I will be able to hide.

*In the echo of my scream
you can still hear the leftovers of someone
who once wanted to live.

Aeerdna Oct 2015
I put my heart on some guitar strings
I let you play them the way you wanted
We've never really had the same songs in our ears
But as long as your fingers play me,
You could turn me into the devil’s notes
And I would still be happy.

But I forgot, you just like listening to music
You've never been able to play anything
You just break the strings
And abandon the guitar
In the corner of your room
Behind your desk
Behind your eyes
Behind your life.
I wish you would just let me escape,
Escape the darkness, the nonsense you threw me in
Because I am here and I hear the songs you listen
And they are not for me
And you don’t know how much I could love you
You don’t know that the sad songs you listen to
Hurt me more than they hurt you.
You don’t know that I could make them quiet
Only if you would let me in your heart.
Only if you would repair the strings
And learn how to play them.
Aeerdna Feb 2016
February is like one of the darkest nights,
a sleep full of nightmares,
it is like a bad, old cigarette,
filling up my lungs with
that won’t let me breathe.

February is like a muddy day,
anywhere I go it makes me feel miserable and filthy,
it makes me feel like a child whose birthday everyone forgot about,
February is like the monster under the bed,
it gets me scared and makes me cry
and I cannot sleep at night.

February makes me want to run away,
it’s like a bad mother who keeps on hurting her child,
it’s like a storm when you’re walking home after a hard day,
it's like the worst sunburn or
the worst paper cut.

February is like an endless Sunday
it’s like the saddest clown,
the most painful song,
February is like a cemetery at night,
like a day in a ****** war.

I have the same menu every February day
wine for breakfast and wine for lunch
and  some more wine for dinner..
I still can’t forget, I still can’t forget
the way you left.
I'll always love you anyway.
Aeerdna Jul 2016
Find me at the edge of the world
with my heart rotting
amongst the remainigs of my life
the skeletons of my dreams and the ghosts of my hopes,
find me there
and let me die
in the space between your eyes
or even better-
in the space between
Aeerdna Jun 2016
Forget me not
when my soul will go to sleep,
when my lungs will stop breathing
and my ashes will disappear in the wind,
when my eyes will shut,
my colours will fade to grey
and my words will quietly remain
behind my cold lips,
forget me not
when my time will come to go to the unknown world
when my legs will stop walking
and my heart will stop pumping
when my arms won't have the power
to hold you closely,
when I will be living only in the past tense,
in lost whispers
and fading memories
forget me not
forget me not
I'll still be here
I'll still be here
to kiss your heart.
Aeerdna Dec 2015
12:02  in the night
and I miss the other 12:02-s
with you and Dylan’s blues
and no words sometimes
just with the drinks in which we were drowning, but we wouldn't let
each other die.

12:02 in the night
and I am trying to hold your voice somewhere
in the corner of my mind,
but it fades away with every second.
I'm trying to remember the way your left eye would smile
everytime after I’d kiss it,
the way you used to write my body down on random pieces of paper,
the nights in the bars,
the smoke of cigars,
the tissues on which we would write our love,
the morning coffee,
your body next to mine,
your dreams, my tears, your trains,
the station where I've waited for you
so many times,
the way your fingers would touch my skin,
the words,
the flowers,
your shirt covering my body in the morning,
your heart,
that night at the beach,
or the sunrises.
I'm trying to remember
the “you and I”,
the we

I'm trying to remember when did we give up
saving each other
from drowning to death.
Aeerdna Feb 2016
I can’t remember the last time
I walked in light,
nor how the sun felt on my skin,
it’s always dark in here
and while trying to make my way in any direction
I find myself stumbling upon souls I lost and souls I miss
and pieces of long forgotten feelings,
I find myself falling over words that can never be taken back
over regrets that have never been said,
I hurt myself
when I step on memories crashing under my feet and
on broken mirrors wearing my once bright face,
or on silent songs that once used to be loud.

Like a child learning how to ride a bike,
I will keep on falling over and over again,
but I’ll never learn
cause there is no one here to hold onto the saddle.
Aeerdna Mar 2016
I know it's hard to touch the clouds
when memories
hold you down
I know you cry a lot inside
when no one is
I know it is hard to wake up
when breathing cuts so deep.

and the birds, they sing
you cannot hear
and the sun, it shines
you cannot see
and there's a lot of warmth around
you cannot feel.

I know it feels so hard
to live
with so many scars


light will shine and you will
and birds will sing and
you will hear

It's just a dark path
you have to walk
and I will be there
to walk along
don't hold your breath
don't give up yet
keep your hope
and you'll find one day
that you can fly again
for you deserve
the highest clouds
the purest air
the deepest love.

and I'll be here for you,
you, dear soul,
the sweetest lyric
of them all.
for lyric, <3
Aeerdna Apr 2016
I cannot find the words to answer your lines,
it's been years since my skin touched yours at night
it's been a long night with no dreams
I am poor when it comes to writing about memories
and though our roads are separated now
you're still in some of the glasses I have
and in the cigarettes filling up my lungs.

I loved you the way I love
the sun touching me with its golden lights
the way I love waves crushing the shore at night
I had you with all my body
and with all the light
I was able to hold inside.

You had a way of digging in my heart
and make bluebirds fly in my evening sky
you were in my coldest nights
the blanket covering my heart.

time has passed and I know,
feelings get older everytime the moon shows her pale light
but believe me when I say
in my mind there are still memories
calling your name.

I'll keep you in the drawer of my mind
you've made me cry and you've made me smile
all in all we are just an ash blowing in the wildest wind
I loved you, I hope you know,
but it is time for us
to find another sun
another glass of poison
from which we'll drink and cheer
till in our dreams
we'll die under the  layers of our skins

I am sorry, dear,
but we had to pack our things
before destroying our souls,
I am sorry the love we shared so painfully died

I still hope you know
I loved you

the ghost of your name still haunts me sometimes
I know you still love me
and I wish one night
you'll find some other dreams to live inside
Aeerdna Jun 2016
She's somewhere far away
sitting on her porch
watching the sun sinking behind the church tower
breathing the warm air
as another day of her life
is going to an end.
80 years and no smile wrinkles on her cheeks
her forehead still a history book
where lines of war and struggle
are deeply written.

Her eyes full of colour,
her heart
a room where hope and sorrow
constantly fight against each other.

Her voice, a joy to hear
though it saddens me
knowing that she goes to sleep as the sun does—
lonely, in a dark, quiet infinity
Aeerdna May 2016
I see the red sun sinking in the horizon
before my eyes the sky is burning,
the half moon shyly smiling
but it is in on her dark side
where my heart is falling.

I breathe in the scent of the evening
trying to remember the days
when I was happy only because I was living.
the soft wind wants to give me wings
but my mind is drowning
in the river running wildly next to my aching body

as the night gets darker,
my ghosts are revealing their faces,
my demons are waiting on the right side of my bed
and while the stars will dance their waltz
I will be sleeping with my fears
and let the nightmares bite again
another piece of my restless soul.
Aeerdna Apr 2016
He sees me as a dragonfly
though I've long ago lost my wings
and the colours on my body have faded to black
banned forever from the light of the stars.

He sees me as an angel
though I've been thrown from Paradise
on this ****** Earth
to pay for the sins covering my dusty soul.

He sees me as a warrior
but I am just a scared mind
I weep and  hide
I can't fight
in front of the pain with my useless arms I die.

He thinks I have saved him
in his imagination I'm still flying
in the lights of evening's golden sky
while the sun sets it's beauty on the colours of my soul.

*He thinks I am angel
while I've already been condemned
to the eternal hell.
"You mean to say that you can LOVE a piece of buttered toast?"
"Only some, sir. On certain mornings. In certain rays of sunlight. Love arrives and departs without notice."
"Is it possible to love a human being?"
"Of course, especially if you don't know them too well." ​

(Charles Bukowski, Notes of a ***** Old Man)

Aeerdna Apr 2016
restless every day
i fear the light,
i fear their faces
my heart beating fast at night
won't let me calm my brain.

i will hide in a cocoon
letting the waves of my mind
crush against every thought
driving me insane
never becoming a butterfly
never flying in the light
or i will build a tree house
and hide in there
until I die
until You find me.
Aeerdna Dec 2015
i am never alone
there are nightmares walking beside me every second of my life,
demons procreating in my head,
a freak show of feelings disguised like those clowns that terrify me,
my mind is the stage for a barbarian, ****** show,
i am an open field full of bombs that explode with every step I take breaking me
into little dark pieces of something that used to be warm and bright,
i mourn for my soul and I never remember how to laugh anymore,
i have this internal bleeding and there is neither cure nor doctor for it to treat it
i can feel how I am losing pieces of myself while running or walking or just breathing,
i can see the cage I’ve thrown myself in
i feel the sun burning my soul and I cannot stop it, I cannot cover it I can’t
run from it anymore because my legs are broken
i cry every day until I dissolve in my own sour tears
i don’t know how to cry for help anymore, I am tongue-tied
i am scared of breathing and scared of not breathing
i am never alone
they make me dance to their music until my legs give up and I fall, I crawl
into the darkness trying to hide but there’s no hiding from them
i know the only refuge
is in Death.
Aeerdna Mar 2016
dogs playing happily in the park
children laughing on the playground
birds flying up in the sky,
this picture makes me wanna die.

a clean blue sky
and a warm shy sun
heath makes me feel like
I'm melting to the ground

I'm suffocating.

pretty girls in white dresses
people with kind voices
long, blonde hair in the wind
big, smiling eyes
and tattoos on upper backs
love them all
they used to make my heart laugh
but now I'm only drowning.

The dirt calls my name all day long
sometimes I think
maybe is there where I belong
six feet under, alone
from all this puppet show.
Aeerdna Mar 2016
i hope  she thinks of you
when the sun shines
in her morning window
and when the moon is full at night
i hope is your face what comes to her mind

when beautiful songs play on the radio
i hope she wants to share them with you
cause i know music is like therapy to you

i hope she thinks of you
before closing her eyes at night
and in her dreams she kisses you
a billion times
i hope she smiles at your picture in b&w;
that she sees all the beauty you carry

i hope she talks with you
and she wonders if you're feeling all right
if you had lunch
if you sleep enough
if you rest at night
i hope she asks you about your fears
and dreams
i hope she's there for you
when pain hits you the worst.

i hope she doesn't hurt you.

i hope she gives you the happiness
i could never bring to you
i hope she cares about you
at least as much
as i do.

i hope she loves you
Aeerdna Apr 2016
I hope you'll write me letters
from the land
where poetry always dances in front of your eyes
and music never dies.

You left without any notice
no word goodbye
you flew in a second
when I thought you were feeling alive.

You left me with the memories
of some drunk nights
when we were stupid and young
and didn't know
that life is just a dream
of the everlasting death.

Now I am sitting next to your forever bed
feeling the cold ground
and dreaming
about one more day
some last words
a kiss on the forehead
your bright eyes
shining upon mine.

and I wish
you could hear me as I whisper amongst tears  

"I hope you'll write me letters..."
'cause you were the one I could find myself in whenever I'd feel lost.
Aeerdna Feb 2017
I know.
I know how our souls react
I am here and you are there
and like magnets we sometimes attract each other
and sometimes repel
it's just about the way we sit,
you see,
when we close our eyes
it's easier to feel.

And my heart is stained
and my hands are tattooed with sins
and I know,
there's too much blue in my eyes
and too much white in my soul,
too much winter
too much snow
for the fire that you are.

I know
and you know too
there is a ground we'll both step on,
when there won't be so much snow
when you will have forgiven my hands
and the blue in my eyes
will seem warm enough
for your heart.
Aeerdna Aug 2016
Trying to fill the empty spaces
with coffee stained pages
and the memory of a kiss on a windy night
when you were both drunk and under your closed eyes
there was only the illusion
of a different tomorrow
where birds would sing the music of your mind
where planes would take you
to a place where the roses never die.
You  fall asleep every night picturing yourself
wearing a nice shirt and a pretty **** smile
and in your dreams
her white dress dances around your body
in the shadow of a ****** red sky.

Is it hope or is it just a lie?

Eating crumbs of happiness from the pavement
won't turn you into a pigeon,
you're still a fish
swimming in a bowl of pain
surrounded by the smoke of the cigarette left burning in the heart serving as an ashtray.

And in the end you realize
that life is just a space between hellos and goodbyes.
Aeerdna Jan 2016
I'm still gonna keep you
Even though you hurt me
Even though you drag me down
Even though your hands burn my skin.

I am gonna keep you
Even though my breath is poisoned by your air
Even though when I sleep next to you
My demons, they wake up.

I am gonna keep you
Even though you make me feel cold
And empty
And with you there’s only darkness,
I can never see the light.

I am gonna keep you
Even though I no longer love you
And you no longer seem to love me.
Even though your heart is full of lies
And I cannot believe them anymore.

I am gonna keep you
Because I am weak
And scared of being free.
Aeerdna Feb 2016
The most beautiful smiles come sometimes with tears,
The deepest feelings can come with distance.

The distance between me and you
cannot be measured in miles, or kilometres, hours of travelling, nor in any other unit invented by mankind;
it is measured in feelings and thoughts,
in dreams and longings
in "wish you were here" messages sent at 2:32am from a drunk heart who has forgotten the touch of a kind warm hand
it's measured in unsaid words and unshared laughs ,
in skin that has not been touched and tears that have not been wiped
in mental blocks caused by a picture you can't stop staring at
in mad driven souls screaming the same name endlessly
in hearts beating fast at the sound of a ringing phone,
it is measured in empty arms
in lonely walks at night
in the morning coffee poured in only one cup and tables for one at the restaurant
in cold beds
sleepless nights
in eyes that don't meet
lips becoming dry because of the absence of that special kiss.
It is measured in never coming true wishes.

Such a long, painful, distance between me and you
I will always be able to reach you
only with the fingertips
of my mind.  

(thank you, Bill)
Aeerdna Apr 2016
i see you painted in other peoples's eyes
i see you smiling in the blue irises
swimming ocean's deepest blues
crossing the horizon and touching the sky.

i see your picture in the green eyes
in spring's early grass i see you laughing
playing with some hopes
the way you play with my thoughts.

i see your picture in the deep brown eyes
eating their chocolate
the way you sometimes eat my heart

in the black skies
i see you painted
there are no stars
just you wandering alone
looking for something
something i don't know..

i see you painted in blue and green
in brown and hazel and black
and i can only hope
one day you'll see your smile
painted in own blue eyes.
Aeerdna Jan 2017
I'd break these feelings
Into litlle pieces
Rearrange them with by bare fingers
Into something
That doesn't hurt as much.

I'd put my soul into the streets
Let it be stepped on by million feet
And still
It wouldn't hurt as much.

I'd take your name, your smile your touches
And put them somewhere in some old pockets
And then it won't hurt so much.

But here I am with all these feelings
And they are not into pieces
They are not.

And my soul is still inside me
I can feel it burning, stabbing
Oh, oh, it hurts so much!
And your face, your smile and touches
They are are still here, in my pockets.
Oh, they hurt so much.

So I'll take this mirror in front of me
Break it into little pieces
rearrange them with my bare fingers
Into a face that wears a smile.

And I'll pretend
That it doesn't hurt so much.

It doesn't hurt that much.
For my Robin
Aeerdna Mar 2018
I have never thought about getting here
27 years old and 10 pounds lighter than 8 weeks ago
It's all in numbers, you see
How many cigarettes I have smoked today
How many drinks I've had
How many times I've lost you

It's all in numbers
And as I count the eyelashes shadowing my eyes
I still remember
It's been 1000 years
Since my heart has been
Broken down.

The way it has been
In these 24 hours
Since you decided to say goodbye
For the last time.

Aeerdna Jun 2016
I will live until the tempest in your heart
will silence the demons in my head
while the sunset will bless
our holding hands.

I will live until your breath
will caress my skin
and the moon instead of seeds of sorrow
will plant hope deep in our souls.

I will live until these words and dreams
haunting me at night
wandering my mind
from my heart will land
on the top of your lips.

Until then I'll live
and when your eyes will find their place in mine
I will exit this life and enter a new one
created by the happiness you'll bring
with a kiss.

Aeerdna Apr 2016
I will no longer say
that I miss you at night
when my name is written  on pages
you will never read again.

wandering  in the fog you brought in my mind
a thick mist covering my soul
Lost again
frantically I'll walk
until my heart will stop
stop loving you
stop wishing your road will be one day
the same as mine.

I will no longer say that I need you
in darkness to be my light

I'll drown in this black coffee
all the times I have watched the full moon
thinking of you,
every touch of your cutting hands
I will drown your pictures,
our mornings,
your perfectly painted eyes,
our sleepless nights,
the songs I'm listening on repeat
because I can find you only in their lines.

I will drown you whole.

I will no longer say that I want you
in winter to be my warmest coat.

I will no longer walk this road with no direction
I will no longer watch the moon
or listen to songs,
I will no longer write my name on unread pages.
And when my lungs will be filled
with the ocean I'll cry
I will drown myself
in the same coffee you hate
that I love.

Because I know,
walking any road without you
can only lead me
to my end.

I will no longer breathe
without your love around.
http ://

Aeerdna Sep 2016
Look at me
I'm an illusion
Breathing air
From your lungs.

Look at me
I'm a song
You used to love
But not anymore

Look at me
I'm the dream
You once had
In your open eyes

Look at me
Slipping through your fingers
A flower in the sand
A drunk on the sidewalk
Dying like the hopes
Of those who thought
That love
Will one day
conquer the world.

Look at me
A naked ghost
Searching for a place to go
Away from your storm
Away from your soul
Away from all I used to know

Look at me
My own illusion
Aeerdna Apr 2016
trapped between reality and nightmare
between truth and lies
a constant war in my mind
I cannot fight it with my dusty hands

trying to save myself seems useless
I am but a hollow soul
a darkness in those around me
a crying of despair
a lost cause
no need to be
no need to breath
my legacy is just a wall
with no entering doors
I feel
I dream
I hope sometimes
but i know
I matter not.

in this world
there's only place for light
darkness shall be left
Aeerdna Sep 2016
We've been breaking each other
for years,
day by day,
piece by piece,
there was nothing left of us
but pain
and misery
and the ghost of a love
wandering the lonely streets
of our souls.
Aeerdna Apr 2016
we are the masters of self-destruction
trying to numb the pain with wine
and drugs
and smoke filling up our lungs,
we write down in lines with no rhyme
all the things
that make our souls burn and die.
our poems bleed
we drink their blood
then we write again,
listening to stupid songs all night
wishing sometimes we were deaf
wishing we were dead.
we let the doors open
anyone with a knife can come inside
cutting our hearts in half,
any tear is welcome
to create the ocean around us
in which we deliberately drown ourselves.
masters of self-destruction,
our bodies are temples where dying souls hide,
we run till our legs are broken
jump off cliffs
go between sharks' cheeks
forgetting to sleep
to dream
we bleed
we drink
we love
and hurt
it's a madmen game we play
each day
laughing hysterically
while slowly taking steps to the graves
we dug for ourselves,
the masters of self-destruction we are
worshiping what's not for us to adore
falling again
and again.
legs broken,
hearts cut and eaten
flesh ripped from our bones
lungs full of water
ears burnt
our eyes scream
but that's fine
'cause we are the masters of self-destruction
and our life is just a mad game
welcome to the show.
Aeerdna Jan 2017
Maybe it's not about this
Maybe it's not about the way you say my name
Or about the paper planes you wrote our dreams on
And then tried to fly them from your room
To my hands.

Maybe it's not about the songs you played to me
On your old guitar
Neither about the way your laugh would come killing
Every sad minute in my life.

Maybe its not about the way you'd show me the snow and the sun
The rain
And the autumn in your eyes.

Maybe it's not about the way you've taught me
how to fight loneliness
Or how to smile and chase away the demons in my head.

Maybe it's not about any of these.
Or maybe it's about everything.

Maybe it's about the fact that I love you
You've never taught me
How to stop this.

All I know is
Paper planes don't always fly
Only my dreams do
All the time.

Away from me
Away from you
Away from us.
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